The Ballad of the Physics Police
by BobCat
Summary: This story is an old shame of mine. It won't be updated anymore. I keep it up only because it's how I met several of my online friends.
1. Fun with Chaos

Part 1

 Fun With Chaos

by BobCat

Preread by Flaktrap

For those of you who are new here, I bring in a massive number of crossovers. The primary focuses are Dragon Ball Z, Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon and Star Wars, with references from everything from StarCraft to Battletech to Ranma ½. If you get lost, don't worry; it happens to me sometimes too.

Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.

So relax, pull up a chair (Oh, wait… Odds are, you're already sitting. Never mind.) and enjoy the fruit of my labors!

In the universe, there are two basic elements: Order and Chaos. One cannot gain dominance over the other. For Order to gain supremacy, all of reality would be frozen forever in time, as that is the only way to prevent change. Were Chaos to rule, all of life as we know it could not exist, as their component molecules would change randomly. What was a carbon-based life form one instant, could transform into a Ford Taurus. So, balance must be maintained, and for the most part, it is. The multitudes of alternate universes generally exist in harmony. Occasionally, whether by accident or design, an object will travel from universe to another. This spark of chaos must be extinguished.

Submitted for your approval is one Ralph. His last name has been omitted to protect his identity. Ralph was just a normal human being. He had a job as a janitor at a small insurance company located in northern Idaho. He had an unusually intense love for anime, and would often spend hours watching his movies or reading from his unusually large stock of manga.

Otherwise, just an ordinary man.

************

The insurance company Ralph worked for was near a laboratory. The lab had been established so that the brightest minds in the metaphysics community could come together and decipher the mysteries of the universe. However, the brightest minds of the metaphysics community were bright enough not to be shoved into some tiny laboratory in the small town of Podunk, Idaho. So, the second brightest minds were asked, with the same results. And so on, until a pair by the names of Eddy and Wally volunteered.

Eddy and Wally were actually quite brilliant. Either could come up with complex equations on command, and easily figured out the requirements for time travel, teleportation, cold fusion, etcetera. They also were capable of _making_ said machine. However, they never understood what they had made. This was due to their poor short-term memories.

They would start out one day working on a perpetual motion machine. By about noon, the equations would be complete, as well as the design specifications. They would already have forgotten what the device was for, but always built it anyway, hoping they could figure it out when they were done. At approximately 5 P.M., their device would be complete, but Wally and Eddy could never figure out what it was. Whatever it happened to resemble is what they would use it for. The perpetual motion device became a hat rack. What was actually a time machine, they used as a garbage disposal. Thanks to their efforts, the dinosaurs were wiped out when a rotting apple core unleashed a horrible plague upon the planet. But that is another tale for another time.

Given their perceived failure on the time machine, the duo decided to prove the existence of alternate universes and build a device to facilitate travel between such dimensions. As per their standard _modus operandi_, they forgot what they were working on by 11 A.M. By 4 P.M., they had completed the machine. It resembled a microwave oven. Therefore, they assumed that was its function. Unbeknownst to them, another Eddy and Wally in a parallel world were doing exactly the same thing. Each duo of absent-minded scientists placed a burrito in the center of the oven, entered the time and pressed enter. What they assumed was the cooking times were actually the dimensional coordinates. Each was warped into the other's dimension. The two worlds were virtually identical, so when the four scientists exchanged universes, they noticed no change, except that their burrito was still frozen. In one universe, the scientists threw their "reject" into the back room. In Ralph's universe, Eddy and Wally chucked their invention out the window.

*************

Ralph got off of work each day at around 3:45. After putting his cleaning supplies into his simple locker, he would walk home. That day, he decided to go past the laboratories because Eddy and Wally were always good for a laugh. He still remembered the time they had transformed themselves into gerbils with what looked like a coffee machine. Ralph was rather surprised when a perfectly good microwave oven flew past his head. "Gosh!" he muttered. "What won't people throw away these days?" His wife, Gertrude, had been nagging him that they needed a new microwave. "I think I'll give Gurty a surprise today."

At 4:19, Ralph stepped through the door. "Gurty, I'm home!" He suddenly noticed that his wife wasn't home. "Gurty?" He stepped into his simple, ordinary kitchen. On the refrigerator was a note. It read:

_Ralph,_

_I can no longer live this hollow shell of an existence you call "life." I have left to be with Juan, and shall write you as soon as we reach his chateau in France._

_Gertrude_

"She never was very good at geography. Oh, well. Life goes on." Taking his new microwave over to the nearest outlet, he grabbed himself a leftover casserole from the freezer. "This should take about an hour." He entered sixty minutes into the dimensional coordinate indicator, placed the frozen concoction into the dimensional transporter, and pressed enter.

With that, Ralph, mild-mannered janitor, was ripped from the universe you know and love.

**********

In an entirely different dimension, a man sat before a gigantic monitor. He turned to his supervisor. "Sir, we have a tear!"

**********

Elsewhere:

"Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I shall have all of your energy!" The creature laughed madly as it held what appeared to be a diamond in its upper limb. It was presumably female, given the shape of its eyes and lips, but if anything, it resembled a vacuum cleaner. The face was at the end of a snake-like neck, while the body was boxy and had wheels. From its end emerged a large electrical cord, with similar appendages sprouting from the front of the body. It was currently in the lower side of Tokyo.

"The master will be pleased with all of the energy I am gathering!"

"Not so fast!"

"Who?"

"I am Sailor Moon, guardian of justice, and in the name of the Moon, I will punish you!" _Dang, there IS a youma!_

The monstrosity groaned. So did the vacuum cleaner. In unison, they said, "Must they always ruin my plans?"

Sailor Moon, in her secret identity of Usagi, had been preparing to work her limited charms on some unfortunate boy. Fortunately for him, Luna had interfered again. Damned cat!

By then, the other Sailor Senshi had joined her.

"Stupid Senshi. Prepare to die!" It whipped out its triple array of cords, each one finding a scout. This left only Jupiter and Mars left to deal with the threat.

Both of the remaining Senshi were in shock. Jupiter turned to her comrade. "I don't believe it."

Mars nodded. "Yeah, a youma smart enough to take out Sailor Moon first."

Venus, Moon and Mercury found themselves being crushed. Somehow, despite the thin appearance of the cords, they were slowly constricting them. Each breath became more difficult, and it was only a matter of time until breathing was impossible.

"You realize we don't stand a chance."

"Yeah. _We're_ just the diversion."

"Now what?"

"Only one thing to do. Mars Fire Ignite!" With that, both launched their attacks. Mars' flame was blown away as the monster sent a gust of wind from its mouth. The electricity from Jupiter's assault was absorbed by one of the cords.

"Even more energy! The master will be thrilled!"

"Just great." Then Jupiter noticed a nearby flagpole.

The pole was rusted through and was lying in a nearby alleyway. In fact, it had been worn away in such a fashion that the end came to a jagged point. "Mars, keep it busy! I have an idea."

"Right! Mars Fire— _uff_!" She was interrupted as the youma rammed her headfirst.

By now, Jupiter had reached the alley. Grabbing the rusted spear, she began to run up the fire escape. Arriving at the top of the building, she began to take aim. "Here's hoping all those years of track and field weren't wasted." She cocked her arm back and skillfully threw her makeshift javelin. Unfortunately, she overbalanced and fell off the roof. She was uninjured, due to the fact that she was too stupid to realize that she should have been dead.

The flagpole flew along its planned trajectory, plunging into the youma's side. It screamed an inhuman cry of agony and released the captured Senshi, who were by this time unconscious. Dusting herself off, she muttered, "Oh well, I wasn't planning on their help. Jupiter thunderstrike!" The lightning traveled towards the demon.

Even in a world occupied by talking cats and magical girls, the laws of physics still hold some power. For example, the rusted flagpole jutting from the youma's side made an excellent lightning rod. As massive amounts of electricity were injected directly into what served as the monster's innards, it proved to be too much. Emitting another wail, it simply exploded. The energy it been storing flew out, returning to the original hosts. 

Luna ran from the shadows. "Sailor Moon! Are you okay?"

Sailor Mars, shrugging off her injuries, rose to her feet. "That was the most unusual battle ever."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"A number of things. For one, the youma actually attacked while I was powering up my attack. Also, it figured out it needed to take out Sailor Moon first, Sailor Moon wasn't the one who defeated it, we used strategy instead of brute force, and Tuxedo Mask didn't show up."

Sailor Moon regained consciousness. Wincing, she pondered, "Yeah, where is he anyway?"

***********

Elsewhere:

Glued before his TV was our favorite tux-boy. He was also playing with a Game Boy at the same time. He was singing badly along with a theme song. "Gotta catch 'em all! Pokémon!! 

***********

A few minutes later, all of the Senshi had recovered. Everybody had congratulated Jupiter on her first victory. All was well in the universe. That was about the time that a gigantic portal opened immediately behind them. It glowed as bright green, and what looked like lightning skittered along the edges. Its shape wasn't fixed, and it kept shifting between a circle and an oval.

"What the hell is that, Luna?"

"A warp tunnel? What are they doing here?" For some reason, the talking cat seemed even more worried than usual.

Mercury was using her computer to analyze the hole. "It is a tear in the fabric of reality! We need to close it or else we could all be sucked in!"

Sailor Mars was about to spout a sarcastic remark along the lines of "And how exactly are we supposed to do that?" when a loud scream emanated from the thing. An instant later, a man flew from the hole. He landed badly.

He appeared to be about ten years older than they were. Dressed in a dirty janitorial uniform, he was out of place amongst the group of superheroines. Clutched in his hands was what appeared to be a battered microwave oven. 

The man stared at them for a few moments. Sailor Scouts? For a longtime fan like him, there were three explanations. One: I've died and gone to heaven. Two: I've died and gone to hell. Three: This microwave is one of Wally's creations and the radiation has damaged my brain.

"Where am I?"

Sailor Moon responded in Japanese. Although he loved Japanimation, all of his collection was dubbed. Thus, he didn't understand a word of it. He tried again. "Do you speak English?"

No response. He decided to try French.

"Parlez vous Francias?"

No response. Okay. Maybe German?

"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"

With that, Sailor Venus launched into a stream of German. "Wie heissen Sie?" (What is your name?)

"Ich heisse Ralph. Wo bin ich?" (My name is Ralph. Where am I?)

"Sie sind im Tokyo." (You are in Tokyo.)

"Ficken!" (Fuck!)

"Nein, Danke." (No, thank you).

The two exchanged bits and pieces of information. Neither had a terribly firm grasp of the language, but it was sufficient for both parties to realize that Ralph had no idea where he was, the Senshi were (as usual) clueless, and neither of them knew how he had come to be there.

And his casserole was still cold.

Sailor Mercury turned to her comrade. "Where did you learn German?"

Venus shrugged. "Well, I have no idea what I'm saying. I'm just reading the script. As for what he's been saying, I've been reading the subtitles at the bottom of the screen."

"Huh?"

"This was supposed to be a TV movie, but got canceled. The subtitles are at the bottom." As she spoke, a line of Swedish appeared at the bottom of the screen.

"I see."

Suddenly, another warp hole opened up. Unlike Ralph's, this one was a perfect circle. Instead of random lightning bolts, the circle seemed to be supported by a spiral of light that extended as far as they could see. A man who looked to be in his early twenties stepped out. He was dressed in a green police officer's uniform. An army helmet covered his head, and he seemed to be holding some sort of military-grade rifle. When he spoke, all understood.

"Freeze! You are all under arrest for violating the laws of physics! You! Put down the microwave. You, in the badly designed school uniforms, drop your transformation pens and get your hands where I can see 'em!" He turned towards Luna. "I see you, cat! Don't move!"

For some reason, Ralph didn't think it unusual that the man was yelling at the cat at Sailor Moon's feet. But even as a Sailor Moon fan, the misplaced janitor was surprised when Luna began speaking.

"I am Agent Luna of universe WN-BF4-4791-SM. These girls are under my protection."

"Wait a minute. Why would we have a cat as an agent?"

"I'm the only one who would volunteer."

"You have my sympathy."

The man lowered his rifle. He considered the situation and slung the weapon over his shoulder. "All right, let's see some ID."

"Girls, give the man your amulets."

"What? But those are the source of our power!"

"Just do it!"

One by one, the Sailor Senshi placed their brooches into the officer's waiting hand. In the other was what appeared to be a small wand. He scanned each in turn and seemed satisfied by the results. "All right then, your superhero licenses are still good for another year, but don't forget to have them renewed. As for you, Agent Luna, your witch's familiar and magic licenses are good for another decade, but your mystical mentor permit comes due next month. You girls are free to go."

Sailor Moon's response was understandable. "Huh? What's all that about licenses and permits and witches?"

"First of all, it might be better to explain who he is. This is Sergeant Phil of the Physics Police. He is assigned to our sector of the multiverse."

"Huh?"

The cat sweat dropped. "Well, Usagi, the Physics Police are in place to enforce the laws of physics. It is incredibly hard to do, but occasionally, someone or something violates these laws. With this, the precarious balance between order and chaos is shifted. Then, they step in to apprehend or eliminate the source of the disturbance. Also, they make sure that dimensional barriers are maintained."

Ralph was thoroughly confused. "Why license superheroes? It sounds like these police are pretty powerful."

Luna turned to face the perplexed janitor. Somehow, all understood what she said. "They acknowledge that some universes have rogue elements that require local support. There are too few Physics Policemen to handle every disturbance, but they still feel that they need to maintain control. Thus, all superheroes must be licensed and under their control. Most don't even realize they are under their jurisdiction. Even a Super Saiyan must obey them because they all sorts of nasty tricks. For example, there is the IRS audit gun. The idea is that everybody has errors on their tax returns. Even the most powerful beings can be arrested for tax evasion. Do you understand?"

Sailor Moon scratched her head. "Dimension? What's that?"

Phil slapped his forehead in frustration. _Nobody is this dense. Why me?_ "Let me dumb this down a bit. We keep the universe from going bye- bye."

"Okay." She was having a little difficulty with the "bye-bye" part, but she got the gist of it.

By now, Sergeant Phil was focused on Ralph again. "May I see your dimension hopper license?"

"My what? Who are you?"

Phil was getting desperate. "Please tell me you did this intentionally."

"Look, officer. I ain't done nothin' wrong. I was just making some casserole."

"Why me?" he groaned. "All because Warren's the Chief's pet. That lucky bastard is probably lounging on Tatooine about now."

He turned to Ralph. "You're coming with me." Grabbing the protesting janitor by the collar, he dragged him into an alternate dimension.

The Sailor Senshi looked at each other. Sailor Moon turned to Luna. "Who was that?"

All within earshot simultaneously facefaulted. After recovering, Luna sighed. "All right, Mercury, get out the sock puppets."

Groaning, she reached into a well-hidden pocket. When her hand came out, it was clothed in a sock with buttons for eyes. Sailor Mercury adopted a high-pitched voice. "Hello! I'm Lefty Lisa, and I'm here to tell you about the Physics Police! Remember, learning is fun!"

Ignoring the wet pavement, Sailor Moon promptly sat down. "Oh boy! Lefty Lisa!"

Let us leave this pathetic scene before I get a migraine.

End Part 1

Author's note: Some may say I have been unfair in my portrayal of the mental abilities of the Sailor Senshi. This claim is accurate. There is no way Sailor Jupiter would have come up with that strategy on her own. Please excuse my inaccuracy.

All jokes aside, there is a simple explanation for the unnecessary roughness toward the Senshi: my pre-reader is rabidly anti-anime. This is kind of amusing, considering that he spends massive amounts of time reading and helping me plan my next sections. So, initially, the fic does tend to be somewhat mean-spirited. However, I do eventually start giving the Senshi their due (much to my prereader's distaste).


	2. Oh, the Horror!

Part 2  
  
Oh the Horror!  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: Blah, Blah, Blah, I own nothing, except for original characters. However, the Physics Police were an idea of a friend of mine.

*                                              *                                  *                                  *  
  
For the second time in fifteen minutes, Ralph was hurtling through the emptiness between dimensions. For the Idaho born janitor, it was experience unlike any in his fairly short life. There was the simultaneous sensation of hot and cold, as well as pleasure and pain. He and Sergeant Phil of the Physics Police were moving at several times the speed of sound, although to Ralph it felt like he was gently floating. Also, he and his companion were robbed of all color. They were an odd combination of white and black. Around them was a vortex. It was mostly red, with an odd spiral of sparking white light moving along it at a regular interval. And before he knew it, his freefall ended. With great force, he slammed face first into a foamy surface. Such was his velocity that he skipped like a rock across a pond. Phil hit feet first, bending his knees upon impact to absorb the shock.  
  
Ralph turned to Phil. "What happened? Where am I?"  
  
"We just went to home base, and you are in a world of trouble." The Policeman pointed over Ralph's shoulder. The confused janitor spun around and almost fainted.  
  
Before him was the single largest structure he had ever seen. For somebody who had never left Podunk, Idaho, this was not a difficult accomplishment. However, the building before him was larger than most continents.  
  
It was a bright pink and extended above the clouds. What Ralph noticed was that those clouds were green, and the sky the same red and white color as the vortex. Mounted upon the building was a P approximately the size of Rhode Island. To the right and slightly above it was a 2.  
  
"P2?"  
  
"It is P squared, you moron. Get it? Physics Police?"  
  
"Oh."  
  
The lost janitor nearly wet himself when Phil snapped on a pair of handcuffs. "OK, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and will be provided one if you cannot afford it. You also have the right to wear frilly pink underwear and smear peanut butter on your face. And I wouldn't suggest moving your hands, or else you'll get a nasty burn."  
  
Ralph held his arms rigid and decided to change the subject. "Speaking of pink, what's with the building?"  
  
"It came that way, and there isn't enough paint in your entire dimension to cover it. Come along."  
  
"But wait! What did I do?'  
  
"You are charged with owning a interdimensional transport, traveling to another dimension and talking to denizens of that dimension without the necessary licenses."  
  
Ralph continued to protest as he was led into the building.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"OK Chief, this one is your problem. What's my next assignment?"  
  
"Vegeta has crossed into universe PKM-023-AIAD-1."  
  
Phil's face contorted into an angry scowl. "Aw! I hate that place! Damned electric rats and fire lizards! And that Ketchum kid! Oi!" Just then, an older man walked past. He wore a uniform identical to Phil's, had shoulder length blonde hair and was whistling a happy ditty. He resembled Fabio, except he was less muscular. He was just back from a relaxing vacation on Tatooine, despite the fact that it was Phil's day off.  
  
Phil faced his commander. "Where's Warren going?"  
  
"Research and development wants him to test a new sports drink."  
  
Taking a folder in his hands, Phil stomped off, muttering about lucky bastards and aspirin.  
  
Ralph felt greatly relieved when the man left. This new officer seemed a bit calmer. He was around 50, with a pleasant face. His hair and mustache were completely gray, and he looked like a pudgy Alex Trebec. "I'm Chief O'Connor, primary manager assigned to sub sector 8, sector 3. And you are?"  
  
"Confused."  
  
"Well, Confused, let me enlighten you. As Phil explained, you have been arrested for two counts of breaking dimensional barriers without a license and one count of interacting with denizens of a foreign dimension without our permission. He never gets the wording right. Also, the machine you used violates volumes of interdimensional safety laws."  
  
"What, the microwave?"  
  
He nodded, comprehending the situation. "Did you make that 'microwave'?"  
  
"Uh. No."  
  
"Where did you get it?"  
  
"I was going by Wally and Eddy's lab and it flew out the window. I thought it would be a good surprise for the wife."  
  
O'Connor began scratching his chin thoughtfully. "Wally and Eddy, you say?" The janitor nodded. "Would you happen to live or work near Podunk, Idaho?" He nodded again. His mood changed from contemplative to frustrated. O'Connor began to massage his temples. "Not this again! Stewart!"  
  
An aide appeared from nowhere and saluted. "Yes, Chief?"  
  
"Didn't we tell those two to knock it off after they vaporized one of Jupiter's moons with that 'laser printer'?"  
  
"Uh, yes sir."  
  
"Explain."  
  
"They keep forgetting. We send a few agents every week or so. They promise to stop every time, but can't remember what they agreed five minutes ago."  
  
"Tattoo it on their hands or spray paint it on their wall. In fact, do both! Now!"  
  
"Yes sir!" Stewart disappeared into the sea of cubicles.  
  
"Now, Ralph, it really isn't your fault. You're probably wondering where you are, and how you got there."  
  
"That sums it up nicely, sir."  
  
"The structure we are in is older than most universes. Particles in the walls and floor have been dated at approximately 500 billion years old. We don't know who built it or why. A few thousand years ago, the founders of the Physics Police came from an unknown universe. Although many of the records were destroyed during their journey, those that survive indicate that it was a peaceful place, possessing the technology to travel at the speed of light, cure all disease and build incredibly stable worm holes. We use much their technology to this day."  
  
"Why did they leave?"  
  
"Apparently, they were fleeing a tyrannical regime of immense power. Upon arriving, they destroyed all data involving the coordinates of their home dimension."  
  
"They traveled to a parallel universe, then they made sure they couldn't go back. Why?"  
  
"To ensure that future generations wouldn't destroy themselves attempting to battle the invaders. According to legend, the tyrants came from a universe beyond our ability to find. Thus, having seen the ravages that had been wrought on their home by invaders from anther dimension, they pledged to stop it from happening elsewhere. Thus the Physics Police were formed."  
  
"Physics Police Headquarters, as we call it, has millions sensor boards, each capable of monitoring any spot in the multitude of universes. Within this structure are various manufacturing plants. We are completely self sufficient, with levels devoted to agriculture and housing. Several generations have been born and died without ever leaving. We also have good number of aliens too." As if punctuate what he said, a Wookie walked past the cubicle entrance holding a mug that said, "I hate Tuesdays too."  
  
Ralph stammered, "Was that a... a... a...?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That reminds me: why do I keep seeing all of this fictitious stuff? I saw the Sailor Scouts a few hours ago, and that Wookie, and Luna was talking about Saiyans like they were real."  
  
"There is a fundamental truth about the universe you must realize. There is no fiction."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"All authors and writers are simply gifted with the ability to see visions. They can tell about the past, present and future of other dimensions. Most people who claim to see any of the future of their own universe are liars and swindlers. A few, like the Jedi or Sailor Mars, are accurate, but most aren't."  
  
Ralph was having a hard time absorbing this. "So, Darth Vader is real?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"The X-Men?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Barney the Dinosaur?"  
  
"Well, technically, he exists in all dimensions. He and various other children's show stars occupy the fifth circle of hell. If you were very bad in life, you become part of his backyard gang." Both men shuddered violently at that.  
  
"So, everything is real?"  
  
"Well, not fanfiction. That's all made up."  
  
"Wait; that would mean that..."  
  
"Don't think about it."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Ensign Smith, get in here!"  
  
A man in a red uniform came in. "Yes sir?"  
  
"Think about the fact that you're in a fanfiction."  
  
"Yes, sir." He paused. "OK, I am in a fanfiction, fanfictions are not real, therefore..." He disappeared in puff of smoke.  
  
"And that is why we don't think about it."  
  
"Why is the sky the same color as the portal?"  
  
"The planet we're on was either built in or moved to the space between dimensions. We are essentially in a huge wormhole. Again, we have no idea who did it or why."  
  
"So, why aren't you just sending me home? I don't see why I'm even here."  
  
"Like I told you, your 'microwave' there violates hundreds of safety laws. Because you wanted casserole, the very fabric of reality is at risk. Our machines, in layman's terms, gently open a portal, and they only hold it open for a minute. On the other hand, this device rips a jagged gash in the universe, shoves you through it, and it doesn't close. Also, it sets off a chain reaction. Your hole caused two to open, which caused four more, and so on. As the chaos increases, the barriers between the dimensions will fall, creating one unified dimension. However, the rules governing each world are too different. Some are like yours, but in most the laws governing reality are more flexible. The laws of physics will lose their power. In about one earth year after that, all matter in the universe will start to randomly lose and gain subatomic particles. A simple oxygen molecule could become uranium in under a second, releasing deadly radiation. Imagine the effects on more complex compounds. Like life forms. We don't have enough agents to handle all of the tears. To be frank, we need you."  
  
"Is this why you sent Phil away?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
* * *  
  
"Look Vegeta, let's talk about this."  
  
"NO! I don't recognize your authority, you weakling! You're going to back off, or the rodent gets it!"  
  
Ash Ketchum, Misty and Brock all stood a good distance away. All were shocked, but the Pokemon trainer from Pallet was openly weeping. "P- pikachu!"  
  
"Pika." it moaned weakly. The electric rat was being held by the scruff of its neck, and occasionally the Saiyan would strike it. Pikachu was covered in bruises and minor burns.  
  
Phil sighed. _I guess in his universe, he hasn't reformed yet_. Good. "OK, Vegeta put down the rat. This is your last chance."  
  
"Never!"  
  
"All righty then. Kaio-ken!" Sergeant Phil was enveloped by a red aura. Faster than even Vegeta could track, Phil snatched Pikachu from Vegeta's hands and put it into Ash's. The glow around his body ceased. Panting, he said, "Get out of here, kid! Take that Pikachu to a Pokemon center!"  
  
Tears in his eyes, Ash said, "Thank you! This means so much to me!"  
  
"Don't thank me! Run!" Ash, Brock and Misty complied.  
  
Vegeta looked at his hand, then a Phil. His eyes were wide with shock.  
  
"How did you learn Kakorot's attack?"  
  
"Still think I'm a weakling? We Physics Policemen are just full of surprises."  
  
Vegeta began to sweat. "What do you want?"  
  
"Look, my orders are to defuse this situation. If you like, I can get you back home. Or just to your destination. Where were you going, anyways?"  
  
"None of your business, human!"  
  
Phil let out a sigh. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You just picked the hard way. Kaio-Ken!" Again enveloped in a red aura, Phil punched Vegeta seventeen times before he felt the first blow. Sweat ran down his face and he was breathing heavily. "Had enough?  Now, how about telling me what I want to know?"  
  
Vegeta collapsed in a heap.  After a few seconds, he managed to rise to his feet, although it was a little shaky.  "If you must know, I was on my way to Namek. However, I prefer this place. The people are so weak that I can dominate them easily! Those little rats are irritating, but I can defeat them easily enough. Now, I suggest you leave. You couldn't use that cheap technique again to save your life!"  
  
Phil gasped when he realized that Vegeta was right. Then he smirked. "Wanna' bet? I have weapons you couldn't imagine."  
  
"No weapon can defeat the Prince of Saiyans!" To illustrate this, he powered up and shot like a bullet towards the Physics Policeman.  From his pocket, Phil pulled out what looked like a remote control.  Completely calm and collected, he pressed a button near the top of the device.  A dome of green energy surrounded him. When Vegeta entered it, he found himself unable to fly.  Carried by sheer momentum, he placed a normal punch into the armored vest under Phil's uniform. Then they collided. Phil staggered backwards, while Vegeta screamed in pain and clutched his broken hand. With venom in his eyes, he looked up at Phil. "What did you do?"  
  
With a smug grin on his face, Phil dangled the device just out of Vegeta's reach. "This is called the Reality Checker. It strictly enforces the laws of physics within a ten-foot radius regardless of which universe you're in. You lose." He pulled out a small box. He placed in Vegeta's undamaged hand. "That is a one-use dimensional transporter. Think about your ship, and you'll be there. Don't try thinking of anywhere else. We can watch your every movement and my supervisor would be most unhappy if we wasted a perfectly good dimensional transporter. You have about enough distance between your ship and Namek to heal en route, but don't push it. Oh, and by the way: you are the weakest link. G'Bye." Still glaring daggers at Phil, the self-appointed Prince of all Saiyans disappeared into nothingness.  
  
Phil pressed a button on his wristwatch. "Beam me up, Scotty!"  
  
A tiny voice responded, "I told you! I'm Irish!"  
  
With that, Phil was sucked into a wormhole.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
Back in the Physics Police headquarters, Ralph was scratching his head and turned to face O'Connor. "Where did Phil learn the Kaio-Ken?"  
  
"No, he has never met King Kai. You see, in most universes, there exists an energy field that unifies all life. The designations for each universe type reflect this."  
  
"A class C universe uses Chi. These dimensions are characterized by superhuman abilities that enhance strength, speed and endurance. Examples are Tenchi Muyo and Dragon Ball universes. Then there is class M, for manna. The powers of the inhabitants tend towards magic, both offensive and defensive. You've visited one of the Sailor Moon worlds, so you get the idea. A class T universe is one in which the energy fields are too weak to support any advanced physical or mental powers. These dimensions use technical knowledge to compensate. Finally, there are F universes, which are a fusion of any or all of the above types. Most dimensions are F classes, but we tend to refer to them by the dominant type of energy. The inhabitants of each universe usually adapt to draw upon their own energy fields, which is the reason you find so few wizards in Dragon Ball Z and no Super Saiyans in Harry Potter."  
  
"Our officers are drawn from a variety of sources, so we run the full gamut, from normal beings to full fledged mages. Each is in charge of their own path. Phil prefers the direct approach, so he specializes in super martial arts. He's been training since he was a child, so his powers are very advanced. This is the first time he actually used the Kaio-Ken technique, which is why he is so drained. You saw what happened back there. Still feel up to the job?"  
  
"Well, no. I'm just a janitor from Podunk. However, the first thing a janitor learns is that if you make a mess, you clean it up. I'll help you however I can."  
  
"Actually, you're very useful. You have sufficient knowledge of enough story lines that you can make educated decisions. Also, according to our records, you have a brown belt in karate, which you can use if you do have any special gifts."  
  
"First, you need something to warm up with. Let's check the hotspots." O'Connor turned to his monitor. He picked a lower priority assignment. Yes, this will do nicely. "Good luck Ralph. Get your gear from Phil when he gets back, and then report to teleportation bay 3. Tell them Jack sent you."  
  
Thus began the most interesting adventure in Ralph's life.  
  
  
  
End Part Two  
  
  



	3. Morons and Senshi and Zerg, Oh my!

Part 3  
  
Morons and Senshi and Zerg, Oh My!  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned everything or anything mentioned, why would I waste my time posting it here?

*                      *                      *                      *                      *                      *  
  
Phil was shocked. Less than six hours ago, he had arrested Ralph the janitor. While he had gone to kick Vegeta's Saiyan butt, this guy had been promoted to Physics Deputy. And placed under Phil's control. O'Connor hates me. "OK, look kid, we're giving you a milk run to show you the ropes. In your universe, there seems to be some kind of disturbance around Elvis' old house in Nashville. Here is your gear. Audit gun, Reality Checker, light armor plating for your chest and stomach, helmet, Deputy Badge, list of Miranda Rights, a few one use dimensional transporters, and your key to the snack bar. Now go get changed!"  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
About five minutes later, Ralph exited the locker room. He was dressed in a uniform identical to Phil's except in one detail: it was bright pink. It was a test to see how devoted the new recruits were to the Physics Police Force. Because of the uniform, many quit the first day. In recent years, it had led to a higher percentage of female recruits.  
  
Suppressing his laughter, Phil led Ralph to the transporter room. "Hey, this is just like the Enterprise's!"  
  
"Yes, well, let's just say that O'Connor's a Trekkie. Other transporter rooms look different. Now get on!"  
  
"Wait, what about guns? The Chief said I got guns!"  
  
"Only if you need 'em. Which you won't. G'Bye."  
  
Ralph screamed as he was sucked into the red and white wormhole.  
  
* * *  
  
Nashville, Tennessee: Our Universe  
  
As the sun rose, Carol Jacobs greeted the morning the way she did every day: "Damn. It wasn't a nightmare." For the past four weeks, she and her husband, Joe, had occupied the same tiny tent, sleeping on the same leaky air mattress, all in hopes of seeing "the King." Joe awoke, greeting his wife. "Hey there, pretty momma, when's breakfast?"  
  
"Look, Joe, we need to talk about this. We've been here for four long weeks, ever since you thought you saw Elvis at the Gas n' Grub. I came here to humor you, and in that month have we seen Elvis? No! Get over it already!"  
  
"I tell you, I saw the King!"  
  
"Look, Joe, you need to realize something: Elvis has been dead for over 25 years!"  
  
"No! It isn't true!"  
  
"OK Joe, lets make a deal. If we don't see Elvis in five minutes, we're gone. Starting... now!"  
  
The husband and wife sat there. It was the longest five minutes of their lives, with each second seeming to be an eternity. However, it did end.  
  
"Joe, time's up! Let's go already."  
  
"OK." He noticed some movement in the bushes. "Hey! It's the King!"  
  
"Now don't start that... huh?"  
  
"Hey there pretty momma, when's breakfast?"  
  
Carol was shocked.  "Oh... my... God. It is him!"  
  
Joe was less sure, once he took a closer look at the stranger. The accent and hairstyle were dead on. However, the King had never been a blonde, nor did had his upper body been so muscular. Also, he wasn't wearing a cape.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"The name's Johnny Bravo." He posed and grunted. "Is she with you?"  
  
Both Joe and Carol dove screaming into their car got in and drove away as fast as the ageing Volkswagen would allow.  
  
With a glazed look on his face, Johnny watched them drive away. "Yeah, whatever. Hey! Free jacket!" Picking up their tent and wrapping it around himself, he grinned. "Plastic is in this season!"  
  
Suddenly, a portal opened behind Johnny. He looked at the vortex of red and white energy and said, "Christmas just comes earlier every year."  
  
Ralph managed to land feet first this time. "Johnny Bravo? Some milk run. OK, Mister Bravo, we're taking you home."  
  
"No! I like it here! The chicks are cute and there are free jackets everywhere!"  
  
"You have to go home. Now."  
  
Disappearing in a whirlwind of action, Johnny emerged a moment later in a white gi. "You, sir, have angered the master of the Chipmunk karate technique! Have at you!" With that, he leapt into the air in an attempted karate kick. Ralph stepped left. The karate-king wannabe flew face first into a cement wall. Shaking off his injury, Johnny stood up. "At last! A worthy opponent! I can finally use my full potential! Super Johnny Schmaiyan Power!"  
  
For an instant, Ralph was worried as he considered the possibility of a universe with a super powered Johnny. Then he realized that there was no change in the moron's appearance. He breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"You're in trouble now! Kan-o-cans-or-somthin' attack!" He cupped his hands and, predictably, nothing happened. "Zounds! This fiend has developed a counter to my ultimate attack! I'll have to go to blows with him!" He leapt into the air in an attempt to fly. He slammed into the pavement. "He's even managed to stop my natural Schmaiyan flying abilities! Then I must use my other powers!" He held up a pencil with "Pop's Diner" written on it. "Sailor Johnny Transformation!" After another whirl of action, Johnny's gi sported a few ribbons.  
  
"OK, evil demon Yo-Yo Ma guy, I, Sailor Johnny, shall defeat you in the name of chicks everywhere! Johnny love and junk blast!" He pointed the pencil at Ralph. Again, nothing. "I must use the imperial cherry-flavored diamond of goodness!" He pulled a ring pop out of his pocket and placed it on his finger. He gave it a lick. "Mmmmm, linty!"  
  
Meanwhile, Ralph had figured out how to combat Johnny's stupidity. He stepped forward and activated his Reality Checker. As Johnny came under the influence of the green field, his face was smashed into the hard concrete. "Hey, how'd ya do that?"  
  
"You're legs wouldn't support a toddler, dipstick!"  
  
"Can't get up! I'm paralyzed! Help!"  
  
"If you go home, you can walk again. Also, I'll give you this nickel."  
  
"Sorry, not interested."  
  
"It's shiny."  
  
"Well why didn't you say so? Gimme!"  
  
"OK, Johnny, think of home." As he said that, he handed Johnny one of his dimensional transporters. "And tell your mother not to let you watch any more Anime! You're a disgrace to fans everywhere!" As he disappeared, Ralph thought to himself.  _How do I get_ _back?_ A voice came from his watch.  
  
"Good work, Ralph. That was some fast thinking back there. Remember, this is only going to get harder. From now on, radio us when you want to return." A vortex appeared above Ralph's head.  
  
* * *  
  
Once again, the events of his life had led Phil to one conclusion: _my life sucks_.  
  
Under an hour ago, a Zerg brood had appeared in the Sailor Moon universe he had visited the previous day. The insectoid aliens had begun to run amok in downtown Tokyo. Although any one Zergling or Hydralisk was easy enough to deal with, packs of a dozen or more roamed the streets. Phil had just come across such a pack. Standard tactical doctrine for dealing with giant insects was the use of fire. Unfortunately, his flamethrower had run out of fuel three groups ago. His other weapons had proved virtually useless. The Zerg, having no income of any sort, were immune to the audit gun. In addition, they violated no laws of physics, making so that his reality checker would only hinder himself or any allies in this universe. Their exoskeletons were too tough to penetrate with normal guns, and he was out of grenades. Only his medium power armor and his knowledge of the Kaio-ken had saved him.  
  
The power armor itself mounted a few weapons. The laser mounted on his right arm was effective, but it was hard to use at close range. Plus, its rate of fire was too low to deal with multiple opponents. The armor itself was equipped with a rocket pack, so he saved Chi from flying. Also, it provided enough power and protection to go hand to hand with Zerglings and come out on top. He reserved the Kaio-ken and other martial arts maneuvers for groups. However, even a veteran Physics Policeman had his limits, as did his armor. It was only a matter of time until either the armor gave in or he would collapse from exhaustion.  
  
What really galled him was that Warren was assigned to this disturbance as well. However, while Phil was assigned to find whatever Cerebrate was controlling the horde and take it out, Warren's job was to ensure that the Sailor Scouts weren't hurt battling the Zerg. Although it was necessary to preserve this universe's timeline, Phil was particularly upset that Warren had gotten the better job. Again.  
  
_Less than two hours ago, I was in mortal combat with Vegeta. Now, I'm fighting a horde of gigantic bugs. When I get back, I want more than a cup of coffee and a senzu bean. Sleep seems like a good reward.   
_  
His ruminations were interrupted as a Zergling seemed to pop out of nowhere. Using his rockets to get out of the Zergling's reach, onto the roof of a nearby building, Phil began to scan for other Zerg. There was no sign of any more bugs. However, the Zergling was running towards him, scaling the wall as if it was level ground. Deciding to save his energy for larger groups, Phil grabbed a small ball from his utility belt.  
  
"Pokeball, go!"  
  
The Zergling took the ball to the face and was sucked in. Falling to the street below, the Pokeball wiggled three times, and the red light that served as the clasp turned off. By some magic, the capturing device levitated to Phil's hand.  
  
"These things are more useful than I thought." He made a victory sign with his armor's enlarged fingers. "Alright! I caught Zergling!" He switched the ball to its smaller size and put it back in his belt. "Enough fooling around. Where is that Cerebrate?" He pulled out what appeared to be a pokedex, but was in fact a scanner.  
  
The proper energy signature was not to be found. The dark energy that powered the Zerg was focused around Cerebrates, gigantic brain-like organisms capable of running hundreds of Zerg simultaneously. The energy was to be found across Tokyo because of the invading insects, but there wasn't enough in any one spot to mark a Cerebrate. However, there were three smaller signatures. It could be three younger cerebrates, but they would likely be clustered together for safety. Then again, it could be something newer and deadlier.  
  
Using his rockets, Phil leapt from rooftop to rooftop. He saw no more Zerg. Using the scanner, he homed in on the nearest dark energy cluster. Upon arriving, he saw a vaguely elephantine beast shredding a building. It stood nearly three stories tall and had six legs. Insectoid mandibles sprouted from its jaws, and it appeared to be eating the structure and its inhabitants.  
  
"Can't have this. Destructo Disk!" Phil threw the jagged energy Frisbee towards the Ultralisk. The disk sliced partway through its leg, although the thick tissue stopped it. Phil was shocked. "That should have cut all of its left legs off! Either I'm weaker than I thought, or... A hero unit!"  
  
Hero units, as they are called in strategy games, are units that serve as special characters in a scenario. They are usually impossible to manufacture in an actual game. The presence of such a unit indicated that whatever Zerg Brood had been warped into this dimension was an important one.  
  
"Torasque, I believe. So that's the power signature. Great. Just friggin' great."  
  
Enraged by the pain, Torasque twisted around. Its rear leg limped, but it appeared otherwise undamaged. Roaring, it charged.  
  
"Kaio-Ken!" Phil leapt over the beast and fired a barrage of chi bolts at it. The thick skin of the Ultralisk absorbed the blasts. "Shit!" As the red glow surrounding Phil dissipated, he realized he was in trouble. His morale was plummeting. "I can't even hurt that damn thing, and I don't have the energy to tackle it head on! How the hell am I supposed to take on a Cerebrate? Damn that Warren and his babysitting! He gets all of the good jobs. Even when we were cadets, the instructors liked him best! I'm worthless!" As his diatribe continued, Phil could feel a power growing within him. _What the..._ Suddenly, Phil had an idea. He had seen this technique once during a trip to a Ranma ½ universe. It fed on the pent up rage and sorrow of a person. A purple aura surrounded him. He turned to a frightened old man lying on the ground next to him.  
  
"Insult me."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Just do it! Your fate depends on it!"  
  
"Crazy Gaijin! We're all going to die, and you want me to insult you? Damn idiot! You are worthless!"  
  
"Oh yeah, that's the stuff!" The purple aura grew and became darker. _Ready as I'll ever be._ "Die! Shi Shi Hakodan!"  
  
The massive beam of purple light, fueled by years of anger and resentment, smashed into the Ultralisk, vaporizing it where it stood. The beam continued onwards toward the bay, and dissipated several miles out to sea.  
  
Oddly enough, Phil didn't feel any fatigue after using the technique. _I'm bitterer than I thought. _However, there was no time for self-reflection. A pair of Hydralisks seemed to melt from the shadows. Distracted by his newfound power, Phil failed to notice the pair of Zerg in time.  
  
Each Hydralisk resembled a gigantic worm, with bladelike arms and a fanged maw at one end. It lifted the front half of its body from the ground. Each reared back to attack Phil. However, each was halted by a separate attack. One exploded in a shower of gore as a missile slammed into it. The other was distracted, as Flamenco music seemed to come from nowhere. Then, a rose slashed at the exoskeleton covering its chest. The very shallow gouge was more painful than damaging. By this time, Phil had spun around and fired his arm-mounted laser. The beam set the Hydralisk ablaze, and it cried out in an inhuman scream of agony. It collapsed when another rose flew in and stood erect in the middle of its forehead. More by accident than design, the flower had found the alien's brain stem.  
  
Phil turned to face his saviors. Shrouded partially in shadow was the semi- imposing figure of Tuxedo Mask. Nearby was a quartet of infantry. They were clothed in battle armor similar to Phil's.  
  
"Tuxedo Mask? Shouldn't you be off saving your girlfriend?"  
  
He grinned sheepishly. "She wasn't too pleased that I didn't show up the other day."  
  
"If it will make you feel any better, that was very helpful. Now get out of here before you get yourself killed."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Look, as much as you may deny it, the ability to throw flowers at your opponents is not a terribly useful ability. You got very lucky, hitting those weak spots. I refuse to take responsibility for your lack of superpowers."  
  
"Throwing roses isn't my only ability! I'm mysterious, can seemingly melt from shadows and I can cause that cool Spanish music to play whenever I like."  
  
"So could any kid with a hockey mask and a boom box. Now scram."  
  
Grumbling to himself, Tux-Boy melted into the darkness.  
  
Phil addressed the squad of infantry. "Identify yourself."  
  
One of the armor clad men saluted. "Sir, I am Sergeant third class Jackson of the Physics Militia, Sir!"  
  
Phil nodded. The militia had been founded on planets that had few or unreliable super heroes. The universe they were in counted as both. They were as well equipped as the Physics Police, and answered directly to the Police. Phil noted that one of the troopers was reloading his man-portable short-range missile launcher.  
  
"What were you doing here? And you don't have to address me as sir."  
  
"Sir, we were tracking that energy signal you just destroyed, Sir! And might I say Sir, nicely done, Sir!"  
  
"Thanks, and don't call me sir!"  
  
"Yes, Sir!"  
  
"Don't call me Sir! I feel like Peppermint Patty, for God's sake." He quickly glanced at his scanner. "I only see one significant signature left on the board, so that leaves only one option left for the Cerebrates' location. Move out, attack pattern alpha."  
  
"Yes, Sir!"  
  
"God help me."  
  
End Part Three  
  
First of all, I wish to apologize to any Yo Yo Ma fans, and to Yo Yo Ma himself. It was simply the only word I could think of that sounded like youma.  
   
Note: For more info on the Zerg, check out the Computer Game Star Craft.  
  
  



	4. That Ain't No Cerebrate!

Part 4  
  
That ain't no Cerebrate!  
  
By Bobcat.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for unique characters. Don't sue me, for only your lawyers would be paid.  
  
To other Fanfiction authors out there, ask permission if you want to use the Physics Police in any fics you write, but please invent your own characters. Heck, the opportunity for diverse characters is the main reason their base is so large! But really, I would be honored if you used it in a fic, but tell me what it is so I can read it.

*************  
  
  
  
As Phil rocket towards what he was sure was his doom, he reflected on his life. Mainly, he was focusing on the negative events to power up his Shi Shi Hakodan. He was hoping that the dark energies were of the type required to slay the Cerebrate. He had come to the conclusion that it was a Cerebrate, because the Zerg were too organized to simply be following instinct. They moved in effective packs, with a few Zerglings acting as advance scouts. A Cerebrate had to be pulling the strings, but also was skilled enough to hide much of its energy signature. A deadly foe indeed.  
  
His scanner informed him that the Cerebrate was directly over the next building. He raised his hand to stop the troops at his command. The Physics Militia troops came to halt in almost perfect unison.  
  
"Alright men, here is the plan. Load your Short Range Missile Packs with inferno rounds." The napalm would be doubly effective against the biological Zerg. "On my mark, fire them over the building, and we follow. Some of us may not make it, but we do this not for ourselves, but for the very fabric of reality. Now fire!" The missiles flew over the small apartment building. Upon reaching a certain altitude, the missiles spilled their contents, sending burning petroleum jelly flying towards the enemy position. They were rewarded with the screams of dieing Zerg. "GO!"  
  
The infantry jetted over the building. At the apex of their trajectory, Phil noted that they had inadvertently set several buildings on fire. A swarm of Hydralisks waited for them. Some were covered in Napalm, but their simple brains could only grasp one concept: Kill. Pain was almost meaningless for them. The wormlike beasts began spraying acid at Phil and his Physics Militia allies. "Split up!" Using their rocket packs again, the heavily armored infantry leapt into the air, firing their lasers. The massive weapons struck several Hydralisks, but more came to take their place. "The kid gloves come off." Powering up, Phil was relying less on the strength of his armor and more on his Chi powers. He rammed straight through one, blasting through the other side in a shower of gore.  
  
Although the quartet of troopers from the Physics Militia lacked his abilities, Phil noticed that they were doing as well as he was. Another Hydralisk entered his path. However, unlike its compatriot, the worm was not gutted. Instead, it used its bulk to slow Phil's advance. That shouldn't be possible, unless... A Hunter Killer! Like the Torasque he had defeated earlier, this Hydralisk was a rare hero unit. "Kamehameha!" The blue beam of energy incinerated the Hunter Killer before him. Deciding to get some perspective, Phil flew upwards, above the battle. Surprisingly, the Physics Militiamen were ripping through the horde of Zerg between them and the power controlling the aliens. Although their attack created large amounts of smoke, Phil's advanced sensor systems allowed him to see through the haze. And there was no Cerebrate to be seen. A few rudimentary Zerg structures were expanding the toxic purple Creep that fed them to encompass an area the size of a city block, but there was no evidence of the brain- like organism. _The Zerg have been too smart to be operating on instinct, so what's controlling them?  
_  
While Phil pondered the source of the Zerg's strategy, the infantry punched through the line of Hydralisks. As Sergeant Jackson vaporized a Zergling, they saw a humanoid being standing before them.  
  
"Foolish humans. Always racing to their death. I should know. I used to be one." In their universe, the Zerg had been in the process of absorbing a new species into the fold: Homo sapiens. These infested humans were little more than living bombs. Filled to capacity with volatile chemicals, these kamikaze troops would throw themselves at enemy emplacements, vehicles and troops. Their single-minded obedience to the Swarm was sickening. These living machines were capable of limited speech, but it was always some rhetoric exulting the Swarm or the Overmind. This infested human sounded too intelligent.  The troopers had assumed that it would be an easy enough to use their lasers to detonate the former human.  Then, as they closed in to battle the being, they realized their error.  
  
It resembled a human female. To a point. Its skin was a putrid copper green, and looked like a living corpse. Strands of wiry tissue had replaced the hair, and there was a hump on her back. From the hump extended four legs similar to those of the Hydralisks, but somehow sharper. However, most frightening were its eyes. The soulless, glowing yellow orbs seemed to possess a savage intelligence. It had a smirk on its face. Phil recognized it as Kerrigan, Queen of the Zerg.  
  
Once an enemy of the Zerg, she had been captured during an assault on one of their bases. The Zerg Overmind had recognized her Psychic potential, and removed the inhibitors that had been placed in her brain to control her. When the Overmind was destroyed, she had fought a bloody civil war with the various Cerebrates for control of the brood and won. Her presence had not been expected.  
  
Her thick carapace deflected their arm-mounted lasers. They continued their charge, and one trooper fired a missile at her. It was another of the inferno rounds, and the flaming napalm covered her from head to toe. She seemed to ignore the assault. One of talons whipped out like a scorpion's tail. The scythe-like blade found a trooper's armored faceplate. The decapitated soldier stumbled forward as it followed the brain's final instructions to the body, and then collapsed.  
  
Seeing the horrible events below, Phil powered up and flew towards his target. He landed with the intent of rebounding towards Kerrigan. However, the swarm of Zerglings and Hydralisks set upon him. Desperately fighting his way through them, Phil ordered the infantry to fall back. But it was too late.  
  
Kerrigan's eyes glowed even brighter, and a storm of psychic energy surrounded one of the troops. The energy coursed up and down his body like electricity. His body armor reached a temperature higher than that of the sun. Where skin touched metal, his skin burned away, followed by the tissues beneath. As a final scream of agony escaped his lips, the Physics Militiaman burst into flames. Around the smoldering corpse, the armor remained intact, although every circuit had been fried.  
  
Kerrigan sent all six of her blades into the torso of the trooper bearing the missile launcher. "That almost hurt. Now you learn the price for angering the Queen of Blades." Even as his precious fluids leaked through his battle armor, the infantryman was treated to pure agony courtesy of the sextuple array of scythes. Each blade moved in a random pattern, reducing his already mutilated body to little more than slurry with limbs.  
  
While all of this occurred, Jackson shot his laser on rapid-fire mode. He risked overheating it, but he had little to lose. Kerrigan casually strode through the hail of laser beams and stood a foot away. Moving her human arm back, she struck out, grabbing the Sergeant by his armored throat. Although his armor weighed over a ton, she lifted him over her head with little effort. Her blades cut away all of his protection, leaving his dangling as he attempted to find breath. "And you will replenish my energy." Moving her scythes again, she worked them in the manner of an ant's mandibles. Ignoring Jackson's agonized screams, she pushed the bite-sized chunks of flesh into her mouth.  
  
This was too much for Phil. "Monster!" The aura of energy surrounding his body began to simply vaporize the minions around him. The horde of Zerg had stripped away most of his armor. His short-cropped brown hair was pushed upwards by the waves of red energy. Having activated his Kaio-Ken, he pulled an object from his belt. It was approximately thirty centimeters in length and had a variety of switches and knobs adorning it. He pressed one of the studs, and a blade of green energy emanated from the weapon. _Good thing I saw this in the gift shop at Skywalker Ranch._ Brandishing the lightsaber, he flew directly towards Kerrigan.  
  
The blade came down on one of her scythes. The hard material withstood the blow for a few moments, but eventually the lightsaber cleaved the claw away from the limb. Still flaming from the attack a moment before, she stepped back. "My precious blades! Now you die, human!"  
  
"No, Kerrigan. The Zerg perish today." He launched a deadly counterattack, his saber striking out with impossible speed. The remaining three blades of the infested human blocked each blow, but her strain was obvious. Although his sword cut shallow gouges in the limbs, he was unable to put steady pressure on any one spot, lest her other limbs skewer him. Unable to gain any ground, Kerrigan decided on a different tactic.  
  
"Burn." Her eyes glowed again, and a psionic storm surrounded Phil. Swiftly activating his Reality Checker, the electricity had no effect on him. When the assault subsided, he turned the device off again.  
  
"No, Kerrigan. No more. How many innocents must suffer because of your anger? Your hatred of Mengsk for abandoning you during that assault? Your petty vengeance? Why is your ego worth more than the lives of billions? In the name of the Physics Police, you are under arrest for two counts of attempted genocide, mass murder and genetic engineering without a license. Either you escape in chains, or you don't at all."  
  
"Fool! I can see inside your mind! Your power is reduced, and you cannot raise it again! Whatever that green field was, it cut off your powers!" To illustrate this, she began her counterattack. Phil momentarily cursed himself for trying to be so dramatic.  His pause had given Kerrigan as chance to regenerate her lost apendage.  Now Phil could hardly parry her strikes, with his single blade against her four. _I'm doomed. She's right! That last Kaio-Ken was my last. I'm getting weaker by the second!_  
  
Still blocking the blades, he continued to think. _You moron! Using all of your energy in your first assault! Now you die, and_ _so does this universe. She's easily twice as powerful as you, and there you went, charging blindly into the fray!  Damn it all!  _ The purple aura of the Shi Shi Hakodan formed about him again. _My anger is mighty, but I don't have the time_ _to concentrate and form it into an attack!_ He was forced to use both hands to block a double blow from Kerrigan's remaining left side blades. While he was distracted, she struck out again. With a speed he couldn't imagine, Phil narrowly avoided the assault. Backing away from his opponent, he said, "Whoa. How'd I do that?" _Adrenaline is such a wonderful thin_g.  
  
_I need to feel worse! Let's see... Warren! Damned chief's pet! When those demons attacked the Love Boat, who made time_ _with the supermodels? It sure as hell wasn't me! I was too busy fighting for my life!_ The purple field grew darker as he continued to berate himself. Unfortunately, it left him open to another attack. Kerrigan prepared all of her blades for a final thrust. However, it was at that exact moment that a foreign object flew through the air. It embedded itself in Kerrigan's right eye. In a scream that was both human and inhuman at the same time, she clutched her face and removed the object. "A rose?"  
  
Flamenco music seemed to come from nowhere, and Tuxedo Mask stood atop a smoldering apartment building. "Fowl beast, know that you cannot defeat the forces of love and justice!" He leapt down to stand beside Phil. "What were you doing, just standing there? Stupid Gaijin!"  
  
Phil was angry. He didn't care to be insulted by anyone but himself, and the darkening of his aura was an obvious sign of it. "What do you think you're doing, Tux- Boy? I told you you'd be killed if you came here!"  
  
"You aren't doing much better."  
  
Phil gave in. _After all, he might just make a good decoy.  _"Alright, you can stay. However, nobody blames me if you get killed. Deal?"  
  
"Got it."  
  
During their conversation, Kerrigan had recovered from her pain. Her lips moved but no sound came from them.  
  
Tuxedo Mask turned towards Phil. "What is she doing?"  
  
"Calling reinforcements."  
  
* * * *  
  
"Mars Fire Ignite!"  
  
"Jupiter Thunderstrike!"  
  
For the second time in less than a week, Sailors Jupiter and Mars were the only Scouts left standing. The nature of their powers, which relied on burning rather than a physical blow, had allowed them to fight off the advancing horde. However, they were swiftly running out of energy. Warren was with them. His laser incinerated another Zergling.  
  
He spoke to them in his thick Austrian accent. "Ve cannot hold zem off much longer. I'm scared! Help!" At first, the girls had found his accent exotic and intriguing. However, the whiny pretty boy was getting on their nerves. He had told them about the Zerg, and their odds of surviving. However, they had fought anyway.  
  
And now we die because Usagi can't give up. A massive Hydralisk slashed with its claws, cutting away at Sailor Mars' ribbons. But I won't go without a fight. "Mars Fire Ignite!" The miniscule tongue of flame burned weakly at the Zerg's thick hide. That last attack had taken the last of her energy. She fell to her knees, awaiting her fate.  
  
The monster rose above her and raised its blades to strike. Just before it completed the killing blow, it cocked its head, as if to focus on a distant voice. It turned away and slithered towards its master.  
  
Surprised to be alive, Mars opened her eyes. The doom she had seen coming had failed to materialize. "Where is it going?"  
  
"I do not know, but ve should get avay fast."  
  
"Mars, I have enough energy to fight a bit more. What about you?"  
  
"I used up all of my fire with that last attack. I can't go on."  
  
"I'll follow those things. Maybe I can get in a strike at whatever is controlling these things. You and the whiner get the girls out of here. They could need medical attention."  
  
"Right!"  
  
Jogging after a massive Ultralisk, Sailor Jupiter briefly considered that Warren might have been right.  
  
* * * *  
  
Sweat ran down Phil's face. The smoke and dust in the air made breathing difficult. His muscles groaned in agony with every movement. He winced as he was forced to block one of Kerigan's strikes. He had long ago abandoned chi attacks, because her exoskeleton absorbed the punishment easily. Tuxedo Mask was even worse off. His cane was missing half of its length, and his body was covered in shallow gashes, as well as a few deeper ones. _I gotta give Tux-Boy credit. He's lasted longer than I thought he would.  
_  
"Is this your best? Pathetic!" She had failed to notice the purple aura surrounding Phil. She pressed the attack again, and Tux-Boy suffered another wound to his right arm. The limb went limp as he cried out from the pain. He dropped his cane and it clattered to the ground.  
  
_Finally! _He had gathered enough energy from his sense of inadequacy to fuel a perfect Shi Shi Hakodan. The powerful assault would (hopefully) be enough to vaporize Kerrigan. Now all he needed was an opening. An idea flashed into his mind. Switching the lightsaber to his left hand, Phil hid the right side of his body from view. He spun around to block Kerrigan's slash. He successfully parried the blow and threw a ball behind her. It narrowly missed her head.  
  
"And what was that supposed to do?"  
  
A Zergling appeared behind her. "Ah, good. The first to arrive." She gestured with her human arms while she silently spoke to it. There was no response. "What? I cannot feel that Zergling..." She realized that it wasn't one of hers when it lashed out with its claws. The blades, miniature versions of her own, dug into her thinner torso carapace. She cried in anguish and eviscerated it with her own blades. But the opening had been provided. However, Phil felt the need to say the line that went along with the assault.  
  
"Damn you, Ranma! This is all your fault! Prepare to die! Perfect Shi Shi Hakodan!" Even larger than the previous attack, the sphere of power dwarfed nearby skyscrapers.  
  
Sailor Jupiter and the group of Zerg arrived in time to see the massive strike. Everybody within a kilometer radius cried out at once as the world disappeared in a blinding purple flash.  
  
  
  
End Part 4


	5. Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead

Part 5  
  
Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead!  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Author's Note: Yes, these past chapters have been dark, but you can't write about the Zerg and make it happy go lucky. Don't worry, comedy will soon return.  
  
Disclaimer: If you've read this far, odds are you've seen my other disclaimers. Pick one you like and imagine it right about. here.  
  
  
  
Sailor Jupiter awoke. Around her, smoke and a thick dust cloud obscured the smoldering ruins of downtown Tokyo. The cloud made it impossible to see more than three feet in front of her. Her head pounded and she had difficulty staying on her feet. She stared at the scene in open-mouthed horror.  
  
"Is anybody there?" She walked down what had once been Eighth Street. A few tears began to drip down her cheek as she saw shops that she had frequented gutted and burned. Corpses of both Zerg and Human origin littered the ground on either side of the street. She tripped on what had once been a Zergling's head. Already, various rats and flies were swarming over the feast. The swarm of flies moved like a layer of skin over skull. She proceeded to lose her lunch upon the pavement, and continued heaving long after she had run out of digesting food. A swarm of flies flew over and soon covered the vomit as thickly as they had the head. Controlling her reflex this time, Jupiter grabbed a chunk of wooden debris and used it like a cane, probing the ground in front of her.  
  
After nearly ten minutes, she heard a groaning noise. Slowly walking towards the sound, she saw a pile of rubble with a human hand sticking out of it. It was contorted into a claw-like shape, as it had been when aiming the powerful Shi Shi Houkou Dan. She rushed over and began moving the large chunks of concrete as best she could. Years of athletic activity gave her above average strength, but it only allowed her to move the smaller pieces. Suddenly, the hand began to glow a bluish color. She heard a muffled yell, and a beam of light emanated from the exposed hand. Giving a squeal of surprise, she leapt away from the explosion. When she turned to look, she saw a familiar figure lying amidst the rubble. She ran over, ignoring the new cloud of dust forming around her. She came in close and recognized Phil from their previous encounter. _Warren did say he had backup, but I wasn't expecting him._ She placed a finger on his throat. Surprisingly, his pulse remained strong despite several shallow gashes and a general lack of movement. Blood flowed from a few, but the rest were covered in the same gray dust that filled the air.  
  
"Would you mind not touching me? I'm a tad sensitive at the moment."  
  
Her oversized eyes grew even larger. He's conscious? That building collapsed on him after that explosion that leveled several city blocks, and he's conscious? What is he?  
  
"Don't worry Jupiter. We won." He coughed, and a small trickle of blood escaped his lip.  
  
"Oh God! You're bleeding internally! Don't move!" She attempted to force him down, but he easily overpowered her, even in his weakened state. Getting himself into a sitting position, he grinned at her.  
  
"Not quite. I just bit my tongue. It should be fine in a minute."  
  
_He hurt himself more than that blast!_ "What was that purple flash?"  
  
"That would be the Shi Shi Houkou Dan. I basically put all of my anger and resentment into a gigantic ball and released it. Very therapeutic, and very deadly. Now let's go see if we can find Tux-Boy."  
  
"Tuxedo Mask was here?"  
  
"Yeah. He wasn't as useless as I thought he was. A very good distraction, and brave to a fault. We have to find him fast, though. He was at ground zero with me." He rose to his feet. "Let's go. I'm picking up a vague power that away." He pointed into the darkest portion of the cloud. Jupiter, although she didn't completely understand, nodded and followed him.  
  
Trudging through the cloud, they happened upon a pair of Zerglings. They were tearing at each other. Their eyes were sightless, having been blinded by the extremely bright light of Phil's attack.  
  
"Why are they fighting?"  
  
"They don't have Kerrigan controlling them anymore, so they've reverted to their primary function: destroy all life. If we looked, we'd see more like them. From the looks of it, they're blind. That light was about the same intensity a huge spotlight, right up close. I'm not blinded, because I've been training in these techniques for years."  
  
"What about me?"  
  
Phil looked at her with a look of condescension. "Well, lets think about this. Your attack is to have a lightning rod extend from your head and send out bolts of white-hot lighting. So, you have some sort of resistance, or you'd have gone blind years ago. Also, whatever magic you Senshi have protecting you had to help."  
  
"Oh."  
  
After two minutes, they found the source of the signature. Despite the massive energies directed towards her, it was the prone form of Kerrigan.  
  
"Impossible! Nobody outside of a DBZ universe is that powerful!" Phil lost his confident air and began to back away.  
  
As Kerrigan opened her inhuman yellow eye, her entire body exploded in agony. All her blades had been burned away, leaving six stumps jutting from her back. Her wiry "hair" was also gone. Her right eye, having been weakened by Tuxedo Mask's rose, had been gouged away by the beam. Her other was in perfect condition. Already, her eye and blades were slowly regenerating themselves.  
  
"Die!" She sprang forward towards the pair and attempted to slash them in half with her scythes. The stumps twitched, but it had little effect. She glared angrily at Phil. "My blades! I will eat your beating heart!" She used her human limbs to punch Phil. With one hand, the Physics Policeman blocked most of the blows. He reached towards his pocket for his lightsaber, but it wasn't there.  
  
_Damn! I must have lost it in the explosion!_ Despite her battered appearance, Kerrigan still had half of her power. She couldn't use any psychic attacks, but her physical strength was unaffected. On the other hand, Phil was almost completely drained.  
  
Jupiter attempted to aid her ally. "Jupiter Thunderstrike!" The barrage of lightning bolts flashed towards Kerrigan. The electricity caused her to convulse wildly. Taking advantage of her situation, Phil landed several blows. The attack sent Kerrigan flying. Phil gave Jupiter a sideways glance. "Can you make another one of those?" She shook her head. "Then get out of here!" Complying, Sailor Jupiter ran away as fast as her legs would carry her. While his attention was divided, Kerrigan caught Phil with a tackle. The two rolled across the ground, each attempting to strangle the life from the other.  
  
After it became apparent to Kerrigan that she wasn't making any headway, she kneed Phil hard in the gut and leapt away. The blow nearly caused Phil to pass out, but he somehow managed to maintain consciousness. The Queen of Blades smirked at the swaying warrior. "Foolish human. Your genes will strengthen the brood. You're futile assault has guaranteed the victory of the Zerg over all other races." Phil cursed, realizing she was right. "When I assimilate you into the Swarm, I can manipulate the stock of each species at my command. It will take time, but eventually every living Zerg will have your energy generating powers. Imagine that. An entire army of mindless drones, each as powerful as you, or even more so, all obedient to me. Thank you."  
  
She rushed forward, fists flying. Phil lacked the strength to launch a counterattack, so he was forced to block each blow. However, several punches got through his failing defenses, pounding his arms and torso. In a desperate bid, Phil attempted to knock the legs from under Kerrigan. Seeing the attack, she simply leapt over the attack and struck out with her own kick. It caught Phil in the nose, shattering the bones within. Grabbing his face, Phil collapsed, the last of his energy leaving his body. He couldn't summon the power to stand up, much less attack. _It's over. I'm dead. Great.  
_  
Just as she readied the killing blow, a rose found its way into Kerrigan's surviving eye. Shrieking, she turned blindly towards the source of the attack. It was Tuxedo Mask. The Mask covering his eyes was gone, and his tuxedo was sliced to ribbons. Cuts, both deep and shallow, covered his limbs. His top hat was also gone. He clutched his right arm, which bled freely from numerous wounds. Phil would never know how he had managed to throw the rose with such accuracy in that condition. Almost completely blind, Kerrigan's charge was guided by her psychic senses. Lashing out with her left fist, she literally snapped Tuxedo Mask in half. The top half of his body flew into the gloom, while the lower collapsed.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
Warren and Sailor Mars were moving the injured Senshi to a safer location. They had been spared the blinding light by the shelter of the destroyed hospital they were seeking sanctuary in. Each unconscious Senshi suffered from various small cuts and large bruises. None of them were in any immediate danger.  
  
Grunting in pain, Sailor Moon turned to face Mars. "Rei. Tuxedo Mask."  
  
An angry glint in her eyes, Mars turned to face her leader. "Yes, that lazy bastard never showed up!"  
  
"No, not that. He's. gone. This new enemy... killed him."  
  
"What enemy? Nothing could have survived that blast!"  
  
"He's dead. I just know."  Tears rolling down her cheeks, Sailor Moon was grasped by blessed oblivion.  
  
Somehow, Mars didn't doubt her friend's testimony.  _May God have mercy on us all.  
  
_* * * *  
  
Turning to face her fallen opponent, Kerrigan smirked evilly. "You should be proud. You and your little friends have done more damage than any group I've ever met with fewer resources. Congratulations." She grabbed a large rock, hefting it above her head with little effort. Unbeknownst to her, Phil had been gathering any Chi he could access in a desperate attempt to take her with him. His kamikaze assault was never performed.  
  
"Planet X Beam!"  
  
A beam of energy came from the cloud, and it found the spot on Kerrigan's chest where Phil's massive attack had struck. Already weakened by the strike, the exoskeleton gave in to the attack. The energy burned in one side and out the other. Kerrigan collapsed. Even the advanced restorative abilities of the Zerg required her heart. Before oblivion consumed her, her thoughts were along the lines of "What the hell?"  
  
Struggling to his feet, Phil had a similar question on his mind. He turned towards the source of the energy. Out of the gloom stepped a Sailor Senshi Phil had never seen in any briefing.  
  
She had Asian features, with smaller eyes and black hair. She was slightly older than the other Senshi, but not significantly. Her uniform was the same as the other Senshi, except her white sailor suit had black accents. She held a long staff in her hands, and at the end was a green crystal. Presumably, it was the source of the beam.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
She struck a semi-dramatic pose. "I am Sailor Planet X! Guardian of peace and love! And you are?"  
  
"I'm Phil, and I'm with the Physics Police." She gave him a confused stare. "You're coming with me." Somehow, his wristwatch was still operational. "Hey, this is Phil. Make us a portal for two."  
  
"What?" Grabbing her by the wrist, Phil bodily held her in place as the wormhole sucked them both into its swirling red vortex.  
  
* * *  
  
Later:  
  
After the medical technicians had given Phil a clean bill of health and a senzu bean, he joined Chief O'Connor in interrogating the girl.  
  
Even the affable Chief was becoming frustrated. _So much for good cop bad cop._ "For the last time, you are not a Senshi! A planet has to actually exist for it to have a Senshi, and there are only nine planets in your solar system!"  
  
"But I can transform!"  
  
"You told us yourself that you found that Transformation Pen in a dumpster!"  
  
"Destiny led me to that dumpster!"  
  
"Look, we've had a chance to talk to Agent Luna about this. She admits that it took her several attempts to make fully functional Pens. Yours is one of her earlier failures. It didn't disguise the user, potentially exposing their identity. Also, you require that stick and that emerald to focus your power. Another flaw that was later corrected. You have powers, but they aren't as strong as the other Senshi."  
  
Phil joined in. "Yeah, the only reason you got Kerrigan was because I softened her up for you. And, while we're on the subject, you've been using those powers for a few months now without a license. That would be about five years in jail."  
  
"But I didn't know! Please don't lock me up! I was just trying to help people!"  
  
O'Connor nodded.  "That is why we aren't carting you off to the Spice mines of Kessel right now." The girl began crying. _Understandable. She just defeated the greatest threat to her world, and people she's never even heard of just arrested her. _"Look, I have a proposition for you. You have potential. If you joined the force for, say, two years, I'd let you off the hook. We would compensate you for your time. What do you say?"  
  
"Do I have a choice?"  
  
"No, you really don't. Report to personnel. Move!" The scared Senshi wannabe ran quickly towards a desk at the far side of the room.  
  
"Phil, are you sure Tuxedo Mask is dead?"  
  
"Yeah, I already told you. Kerrigan ripped him in half. Why?"  
  
"This makes no sense. It says right here that Sailor Minimoon will arrive from the future some time next week. If her father is dead, how can she do that?"  
  
"Maybe she's coming from an alternate reality? It's happened before."  
  
"No, we checked that. She hasn't left the confines of her dimension. Somebody else must be her father."  
  
"Hold the phone. This Mammoru guy he used to be had no siblings. How could the same person be born from different gene pools? Maybe we're going to send a clone?"  
  
"No, that wouldn't fix anything. Somehow, Sailor Moon was able to feel when he died. It wouldn't be believable if he came back, and they'd likely alienate him. They don't have any of his genetic material, so artificial insemination is impossible, even if they wanted to do it. I can't figure it out!"  
  
"Well, Chief, is there anything else?"  
  
"Yes. I'm putting Sailor X over there and Ralph under your control. Permanently."  
  
He immediately spat the coffee he **had** been drinking across the cubicle.  
  
"Say what? Those rookies? Heck, they aren't even part of the force yet!" Why does he hate me so much?  
  
  
  
                                                                                    End Part 5

  
What? How will Chibi Usa be born without Tuxedo Mask? Why is the Chief putting these greenhorns in Phil's charge? And will Mike discover that Denise cheated on him while he was in his coma? These and other questions will be answered in Part 6, The Comedy Strikes Back.


	6. The Comedy Strikes Back

Part 6  
  
The Comedy Strikes Back  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: Actually, I own every last one of the characters and ideas used, based on the legal counsel of the voices in my head.

*                                                          *                                                          *

Last time, on the Ballad of the Physics Police…

All seemed lost.  With Tuxedo Mask dead, and Phil drained of all of his Chi, it looked as though the evil Kerrigan would begin anew the cycle of death and destruction in a new universe.  Yet, just as it seemed that all was lost, a new figure appeared, Sailor Planet X!  The ersatz Senshi, with no planet to her name, was given two options: either join the Physics Police, or spend five years in prison for her unlicensed use of her powers.  Seeing that neither option was ideal, she selected the former.  Now, Chief O'Connor has just informed Phil that both Ralph and Ecks have been placed under his direct command?  What will happen next?  Look and see!  
  
"Chief, why do you hate me?"  
  
"Phil, I don't hate you."  
  
"Yes, you do! Every time I turn around, I have to fight the evil devil monsters of Planet Drakon or something, and Warren is in charge of guarding the supermodels they want to abduct for their breeding or something. Why does he always get the easy jobs?"  
  
Chief O'Connor began to chuckle. "Just yesterday, Warren was in here asking why you get all of the interesting jobs. And I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him: Warren is an incompetent momma's boy. The odds have to be heavily stacked in his favor, and he still has troubles. We only keep him around because he's Sector Commander Jacob's son. You, on the other hand, are one of our best agents. Some are stronger, but you rank in the top ten. Also, you can think on your feet. Heck, you take techniques it takes others years to master and get it right on your first attempt! That is why you always get the tough jobs."  
  
"But, yesterday, you weren't enough. If it hadn't been for some unexpected support from the Physics Militia, Tuxedo Mask, Sailor Planet X, and even Sailor Jupiter, you'd be dead right about now. Had we sent anybody else, Kerrigan would have ripped him or her apart as easily as she did the Militia. Our tactics just don't take into account an impossibly strong being that didn't violate the laws of physics. When you used your Reality Checker, you doomed yourself. It wasn't entirely your fault. We've trained you since day one to use that thing like a crutch."  
  
"Not everybody can operate without it. But I'm lumping those who can into Special Forces units. They are composed of the following: Somebody with Chi Powers, you, a mage/Jedi, Ralph, and somebody who falls in between, Sailor X. As senior officer, you have command."  
  
"Ralph? A potential Mage? Since when?"  
  
"A DNA test determined that Ralph has an unusually strong ability to draw on Manna, which lets him use the Force as well. We have no idea where it came from, since his dimension has very weak energy fields in all respects, so most of the people don't have this kind of power. We've already talked to him, and he's agreed to join on a permanent basis."  
  
"Now it all makes sense. Where are they?"  
  
"I believe that they are in the snack bar on level three. I'll let you talk with them." Phil exited the room.  
  
* * * *  
  
Level Three, Physics Police Headquarters.  
  
"So, anyways, then I found this pen and jewel in a dumpster. Destiny led me to that dumpster. After the other Senshi appeared, I waited for them to seek me out. But for some reason they never did."  
  
"That might have something to do with the fact that a Planet X would have to exist in order for it to have a Senshi."  
  
"I tell you, I am a Senzu Bean!"  
  
"No more sake for you." He removed the bottle from her hand. Ralph decided to change subjects. "My story is I went to the finest College in Idaho. I was the valedictorian, played football for the team and everybody loved me. Then I met Gertrude. I loved her, and I thought she loved me. We married after college. For some reason, I couldn't get a job anywhere other than Franks Insurance Hut as a janitor. Maybe it was destiny. Maybe I had used up all of my luck at college. Anywho, two days ago, I was going home past a laboratory, and a microwave oven almost hit me in the head. I took it home to find out that Gertrude had left me for some Frenchman named Juan. We were married two weeks! Two! I just don't understand it. Anyways, I plug in the microwave, and I'm zapped to your universe, then zapped here and told that I was going to destroy reality or something. So here I am."  
  
Phil sat on a stool to Ralph's right. "Hey Phil! Good job with that whole Zerg Invasion thing! I'll enjoy working with you!"  
  
"I won't." Ralph seemed to ignore Phil's response. Phil decided to change subjects.  
  
"So, Ralph, what have you been up to? I heard about that thing with Johnny Bravo, but that took you five minutes. What about the other ten hours I was gone?"  
  
"Well, somebody from personnel told me I would be good at magic and junk, so I checked out this book from the library." From his back pocket, he pulled a massive volume with the words "Grimorum Achrinorum" written on the cover. "It has all sorts of interesting spells. Watch!" He focused intently on his hand and said, "B'ree em a'Bginr." A beer appeared in his hands in a frosty mug. "Cool, huh? They also gave me this lightsaber and a little pamphlet called the Jedi Code. It has a few techniques, and the librarian said I could study the Jedi Holocron whenever I liked."  
  
"How did you get that book in your back pocket?"  
  
"Somebody named Misty taught me that. It usually only works with mallets, but I used a spell to hide other things there."  
  
"Oh." Phil's wristwatch beeped. O'Connor's voice emanated from it. "Special unit two, there is a disturbance in universe OMG-023-9120-FU. Report to the transporter room immediately."  
  
"You heard the man! Move!" The new team left the snack bar with all possible speed. The bartender, a black Wookie, growled at them about paying their bill. They ran faster. "Well Phil, looks like we have to find a new bar."  
  
* * * *  
  
One Week later, Tokyo, Universe WN-BF4-4791-SM  
  
Sailor Moon hadn't left her bed since returning home. Although most would have thought that she had exhausted her supply of tears, occasionally one would roll down her cheek. She was facedown in her pillow when she heard the now familiar sound of a portal opening. She turned her puffy face to face the hole in the space-time continuum. "The Physics Police? What do they want?" It was indeed the characteristic red hue of their portals. However, the spiral of white light was instead green. Those in the Physics Police knew exactly what it meant: it was a Time Hole.  
  
After a few moments, Chibi Usa fell through. She bent her legs to absorb the impact. Instead of the overly pink costume she normally wore, she was clothed in an orange jumpsuit. She had no gloves, but her feet were clothed in oversized black boots. On the front and back of her shirt, written in bold katakana, was the word "Turtle." What Usagi noticed was a brown, furry tail sticking out the back of her clothes.  
  
She had a simple air about her. Her eyes absorbed all of the data they could, but revealed no mental processes. However, she had a childlike innocence about her. This wasn't surprising, considering that she was a child, but still, she was completely pure in some way. In fact, those who watch Dragon Ball might think of her as a female Goku. "Hi, mom!"  
  
Even Usagi could grasp the significance of this statement. "Mom?"  
  
"Yeah. I've been sent back in time to make sure you and Dad meet. My name's GoChibi." Her stomach rumbled. "I'm hungry. Do you have any food?"  
  
"S-sure. The kitchen is downstairs." As GoChibi left her room by flying, Usagi quickly ran over to her phone. She pressed the speed dial marked "Fire Department." It rang twice. "Hello, Rei? Meeting at my place. Now! Call the others!" She heard banging sounds coming from the kitchen and hung up to supervise her daughter.  
  
* * * *  
  
Subbasement 7, Physics Police Headquarters, around the same time.  
  
George Sinatra, in no way related to the famous singer, worked at a monitor for the Physics Police. He was approximately 65 years old, and today was his last day. Ever since he had retired from active duty ten years prior, his days were spent monitoring whatever universe he was assigned for the day. He enjoyed his job. He never got the same situation twice, so it was like a perfect, rerun free television. His favorite events were when a change in history occurred, because they often resulted in humorous circumstances. However, today was the best of his career. He checked the girl's DNA with his long-range scanners, and found out who her father was. He giggled all day because of it, and profusely thanked whatever deity was responsible for sending this event on his last day on the job.  
  
* * * *  
  
Back in the Sailor Moon Universe:  
  
Usagi raced to the bottom of the stairs and was shocked by what she saw. Even a glutton like her wasn't capable of this kind of destruction. Every cupboard was bare, and various pots and pans littered the ground. The refrigerator door was ripped off of its hinges, and the child had also consumed its contents. GoChibi was napping in the middle of the kitchen, an expression of pure bliss upon her face. _That's impossible! She was down here for ten seconds! Oh, and she didn't leave anything for me either! _Picking the girl, Usagi was surprised by how light she was. But she just ate an entire kitchen! This isn't right!  
  
The girl from the future was still asleep on Usagi's bed when the other Senshi arrived.  
  
Ami was the first. "What is it, Usagi? I have a test to study for?"  
  
"There was this big red and green portal and this little girl dressed in the tackiest orange and blue outfit came out and she had "Turtle" written on her shirt does that make any sense to you, then she said she was from the future and she was my daughter but I don't know who the father is yet and she ate my kitchen and didn't leave any for me Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"  
  
From years of friendship with the meatball head, Ami was able to understand what she said. "What does Luna say about this?"  
  
"I haven't seen her around." From upstairs, there was a surprised yelp and a joyful cry of "Luna!"  
  
The girls ran upstairs and found GoChibi excitedly squeezing the life out of the cat. She was also gently stroking Luna behind the ears, so she somehow managed to be asphyxiated and purr at the same time. "Hey Luna! How are you doing?"  
  
_Can't...breathe...but...feels...so...good! _  
  
"Let go of her! She can't breathe!"  
  
"Oh yeah! I had the same problem back home." She released the moon cat, who collapsed to the floor and didn't move for several moments.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Hi! I'm GoChibi, but I already know you!" She went back to stroking Luna's ears. Her new round of purring was significantly less strained. Now she knows how to treat a cat!  
  
Ami was thoroughly confused, but continued her line of questioning. "Usagi tells me you're from the future."  
  
"Yup!"  
  
"What's that in your hand?"  
  
GoChibi looked at the object in her hand. "Oh, that. It's a Time Diamond, or Timeond. This crystal lets me move through time. The Physics Police make them."  
  
"The Physics Police, you say?"  
  
"Yeah, they're very important. They keep things peaceful most of the time, but sometimes Dad and I have to deal with aliens and stuff. Isn't that right, Luna?"  
  
The cat hated being talked down to, but didn't particularly care at the moment. _This is so heavenly!  
_  
"Who is your father?"  
  
"I'll tell you when the others get here."  
  
"How do you know that the others are coming?"  
  
"I can feel their Chi. Wow, you guys are so weak right now! Its hard to pick you up!"  
  
Ami felt insulted. "Why does your shirt say "Turtle?"  
  
"Oh, I trained with master Roshi. They call him the Turtle Hermit. He's weak, but really smart. He knows so much!"  
  
"Master Roshi?" For the first time in years, Ami was completely ignorant on a subject. And she didn't like it. Before she could ask her next question, the doorbell rang, and GoChibi put her index and middle finger to her forehead. Using the instant transmission, she appeared at the door. The other Senshi were there, and were surprised when the pink haired midget came out of nowhere. She grabbed Jupiter's hand and moved her legs to touch the others. Then she teleported again. The Senshi were very shocked to suddenly be in Usagi's room.  
  
"What the hell?"  
  
"How?"  
  
"I feel sick!"  
  
"Hi! I'm GoChibi! I thought I'd save some time. Usagi is my mommy!"  
  
Rei looked at Usagi with a sick look on her face. "How could you? Having a child out of wedlock! And how long have you been hiding her?"  
  
GoChibi giggled. "No, silly, I'm from the future!" Minako, Makoto and Mars were developing migraines.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Minako looked confused. "But time travel is impossible!" At this point, Artemis climbed out of Venus' backpack.  
  
Luna looked up. The petting had stopped, and she was irritable. "Says the magical girl with a talking cat." GoChibi went back to stroking her, and she was content.  
  
With a look of jealousy in his eyes, Artemis walked over to the girl. "Who's your father?"  
  
"His name is Gohan."  
  
End Part 6  
  
Time to give credit where credit is due: Carrotglace came up with the idea of having Chibi Usa be a) a Saiyan and b) have a different father. However, I like to think that the way I did it is somewhat unique. Besides, instead of her being an evil being sent back to ensure a dark future, she has a nobler quest. I have one thing to say: Poor Gohan!  
  
You may wonder: How can basically the same person result from two sets of parents? Its rather simple: theoretically, if Gohan/Tuxedo Mask had completely recessive genes, as far as physical characteristics, then only Usagi's would be expressed in her appearance. The tail is the only visual change. Also, her martial arts abilities are a deviation. She seems less sarcastic as well.  
  
How are the Physics Police involved? That is a tale for another chapter. Specifically, chapter 7.  
  
  



	7. A Match Made In Hell

Part 7:  
  
A Match Made in Hell  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: You should know by now.  
  
When we last left Phil, Ralph and Sailor Planet X, they were lumped together to form special unit 5 (SU5).  
  
Einstein was correct: time is relative. Although only a week has passed since the Zerg invasion in the Sailor Moon universe, nearly half a year has gone by for SU5. In that time, they have developed a reputation as an elite unit. Phil has grown stronger in his Chi power, with an approximate power level of 50,000 as opposed to his previous 15,000. Ralph is a mid- level mage, and has learned a few Jedi tricks. However, he limits his reliance on the Force to avoid the temptations of the Dark Side. Sailor Planet X, after long months and heated debates, has finally acknowledged that she was not one of the original Silver Millennium warriors. However, she has basic abilities in magic and Chi, both of which have developed significantly. She has taken the nickname "Ecks."  
  
The universal collapse predicted by O'Connor was mostly avoided. A few universes have ceased to exist, but more on that later. However, wormholes between dimensions have become more frequent, a possible aftereffect of Ralph's microwave.  
  
We find SU5 in a familiar cantina on the planet Tatooine in universe SW-T6-5AN-LU. They are currently engaged in a card game of some sort. To Phil's left were Han Solo and man in a yellow and black jumpsuit that was trying to look down Ecks' shirt.  
  
Ralph suddenly threw four computerized chips into the stabilizing field in the middle of the table. "Sabaac!"  
  
Sabaac, a combination of poker and blackjack, is played throughout the various Star Wars universes. Basically, one attempts to get a score of 23 in either positive or negative. What makes the game challenging is that the chips in a deck randomly change. What may be a score of 22 one second could randomly morph into a 5. Once one puts the chips within the stabilizing field, they are fixed. If nobody gets 23, the highest score wins.  
  
The other players threw down their chips in disgust. Ralph raked in a small pile of credit chips. Phil began to shuffle again. "So, Kirk, you still in?" They had "borrowed" the captain after a transporter malfunction. He would soon return and tell the crew of his odd visit to a parallel world.  
  
The man was distracted from his efforts to get an eyeful. "Your game… intrigues me. Although… the Federation places no value on… material wealth… I feel this strange... need... to continue."  
  
"Looks like we got ourselves an addict. What about you, Solo?"  
  
"Sure, I have credits to burn. But make it quick. I just made this deal to take a couple of suckers to Alderaan for 17 thousand. One easy job and I can pay Jabba off. Then I can finally get back to my life." Phil and Ralph both smirked at this. Ecks took this in stride, mainly because they always seemed to know something nobody else did. As Phil passed out the chips, Ralph attempted to use the Force to foresee the near future. He foresaw a loss for himself, so he folded.  
  
Han turned to Phil. "It's weird. It's like he only plays when he knows he'll win. If I hadn't checked him myself, I would say he was cheating." He tossed a couple of credit chips into the growing pot. Ecks, Kirk and Phil did the same. After taking another chip, Phil had to restrain himself. _An idiot's array!_ It consisted of three chips, a 0, a 2 and a 3. When read, they make 23, much like a stupid person would add 2 and 3. It was the most decisive hand in Sabaac. Now to milk it for all it's worth.  
  
Unfortunately, it was at this exact second that Phil's pager beeped. He picked it up and looked at it. He cursed in fluent Huttese. "Ralph, Ecks, grab Kirk and lets get out of here. Our ride's coming out back." He left the large pot behind in his rush. Han simply grinned to himself and raked it in.  
  


* * * * *  
  
SU5 burst into O'Connor's cubicle. Phil was dressed as he had always been, with a green police uniform and his army helmet. Ralph had traded in his pink suit for a simple, brown robe. A lightsaber dangled from his belt. Ecks hadn't changed her black Sailor Fuku, despite Phil's complaint that it wasn't practical. All three saluted.  
  
The Alex Trebec look-alike acknowledged them. "At ease. Take a seat."  
  
They did so. "This is quite possibly your most vital mission yet." He handed Phil an envelope. "You have to move quickly, so listen up. I got a message a few moments ago. The code indicates that it's from the future. It says that it is vital that you ensure the Gohan and Usagi get together."  
  
Ralph's eyebrow rose. "With all due respect, sir, they exist in several realities, but not in the same dimensions. Are we supposed to abduct Usagi and take her over there, or what?"  
  
"This is new development. Apparently, the reaction that we stopped still is having effects. This morning, universe WN-BF4-4791-SM merged with universe DB-Z3-AC20-WK. Computer estimates indicate that there are several other dimensions starting to merge with them as well. What we have here is the start of the most complete F class dimension ever. All energy fields will be present, and in great abundance. Somehow, the cataclysmic reaction that occurs when various laws of physics collide is not occurring. It may have something to do with the basic similarity between the merging worlds, but that is only a theory. It has been redestinated FC-1. We think it has to do with the sheer number of rifts that occurred between those worlds. So many occurred, the walls between those worlds shattered. Only people unique to one universe or another remained unchanged. Others are combinations of their various incarnations. Whatever is causing this, and whatever the results, the letter says that it is vital that we get Gohan and Usagi to fall in love while causing the least damage to either timeline. Since the Sailor Moon universe has been turned upside down by Kerrigan, try to focus more on saving the Dragon Ball Z timeline."  
  
"So, Chibi Usa is Gohan's kid? What about Videl?"  
  
"Unfortunately, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And she goes by GoChibi these days. As for the rest of the world, Gohan will be a good ruler, according to the message. You need to play matchmaker. I assume you're fully stocked?"  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
"Then move it! And remember: the future counts on you."  
  
As SU5 left, O'Connor regretted being unable to tell them everything. However, according to Sector Commander O'Connor's message, it was vital that they know as little as possible in order to preserve the future. Cheir O'Connor grinned to himself. I have seen the future, and it looks good!  
  
* * * * * *  
  
As SU5 strode down the hall, Ecks queried her commander. "So, what's the plan?"  
  
"I've been thinking about that. I figure the best way to start is to determine how far along the DBZ universe was before it combined with the others. Gohan's age will play a major role in how we do this. If he's too young, we'll have to wait and go into the future. If he's already met Videl, we'll have to find a way to break them up. However, Gohan has a good head on his shoulders. He would probably send his daughter back to after that nasty business with Cell. But, we'll just have to see." He addressed Ralph. "Hey, Potato Head, got that chloroform?"  
  
The Idahoan mage glared angrily at Phil. "Look, just because I'm from Idaho doesn't mean I'm some sort of spud-obsessed maniac! I don't even like potatoes! Oh, and yes." From his oversized right sleeve he pulled out a bottle. It proudly read, "ACME Brand Chloroform: The Choice of Kidnappers Everywhere."  
  
With an evil grin spreading across his face, Phil steepled his fingers. "Excellent, Smithers. I mean Ralph." He suddenly looked up and began to cackle madly.  
  
Again, Ecks opted not to ask.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Universe WN-BF4-4791-SM  
  
Usagi's Room  
  
"Gohan. why does that name sound familiar?"  
  
"I think I heard it on TV once… during that whole Cell thing."  
  
Usagi's brow furrowed. "Why weren't we involved in that?"  
  
Ami snorted. "We were about nine at the time."  
  
Usagi had a chagrined look on her face. "Oh, yeah."  
  
Suddenly, Rei's face brightened. "Hey, he was one of those blonde warriors. Y'know, the ones that Hercule said were tricksters?"  
  
GoChibi began to giggle. "Dad always told me not to believe what I saw on television. Silly, Daddy was the one who beat Cell."  
  
"But I thought Hercule was the strongest man on Earth!"  
  
"That idiot couldn't beat Grandma Chichi! If dad hadn't wanted to live a private life, he wouldn't have let him get away with it."  
  
"Oh."  
  
It was at this moment that another hole in the space-time continuum opened in Usagi's bedroom. The girls, long since desensitized to big red portals coming out of thin air, all thought the same thing. _What now?_  
  
First came Ecks. She landed and attempted to bend her legs to absorb the impact. Unfortunately, high heel shoes were not designed to absorb shock. She hit the ground and bounced into a convenient pile of stuffed animals.  
  
Usagi pointed at the demi-Senshi. "Hey, I just got done alphabetizing those last month!" Ami made a mental note to remind her friend that she didn't know her alphabet well enough to do that.  
  
Next came Ralph. The mage used a spell to gently float to the ground. His face shrouded by his cloak, he adopted a deep voice. "Obi-Wan never did tell you about your father."  
  
Rei, having lived with her grandpa for most of her life, responded, "He died in a plane crash when I was little." A tear rolled down her cheek.  
  
"Aw jeeze! That about covers it, but sorry!" Try to make a joke and look what happens!  
  
Ami looked at him with a perplexed look on her face. "Ralph? When did you learn Japanese?"  
  
He tapped a small device embedded in his ear. "Universal translator. Never leave home without one."  
  
Finally, Phil came through. Unlike the others, his landing was completely uneventful. However, immediately following said landing, GoChibi let out a squeal of joy. "Phil-Chan!" She leapt into the air and wrapped herself around the surprised Policeman's head and neck. "It's so good to see you!"  
  
Realizing he would be crushed if he didn't act quickly, Phil powered up. Even reaching his full level, he was still struggling to breathe. _Can't…breathe! Only...one…hope!_ Everybody in the room heard a muffled, "Kaio- Ken times twenty!" All were knocked back as a wave of power shook the house. Throughout the neighborhood, the various denizens of Juban calmly ducked under a desk or table. A few continued to play their advanced video games while their cheap housing shook back and forth around them. On the tectonically active island of Japan, in a ward of the city where Godzilla and various Demon Lords liked to visit, this relatively minor quake didn't even faze them.  
  
Using his full strength, Phil managed to force the affectionate GoChibi off of his face. Gasping for precious oxygen, he looked at the source of the attack. "GoChibi? What the."  
  
She smacked herself on the forehead. "I keep forgetting. You're not my Godfather yet. Sorry. I thought you were stronger than that."  
  
Still recovering from the little girl's attack, he angrily retorted, "Who are you calling weak?" Then her previous statement caught his attention. "Godfather?"  
  
"Yeah, that happens in a few years when I'm born."  
  
"I... see..." _D'oh! Chained to the super ditz's foul spawn!_  
  
Usagi and the others got to their feet. "What was that?"  
  
"Kaio-Ken. Increases my power for short bursts."  
  
"Ah." Once again, Ami was lost and didn't like it.  
  
He turned to face Usagi. "All right, meatball head, you're coming with me."  
  
"Huh? Where? Why?"  
  
"My mission is to make sure you meet Gohan." _May God have mercy on his soul._ "Hey, GoChibi, did your parents tell you where they meet?"  
  
"Yeah, the World Martial Arts Tournament."  
  
"Good, Gohan is all grown up. Do you know when that is?"  
  
"We have about a week. Dad thought it would be a good idea to give you plenty of time."  
  
"Hey, Usagi, aren't you and the others on Summer Vacation?"  
  
"Uh, yeah."  
  
"How very convenient." He turned to face super ditz. "You're coming with me."  
  
Of course, Minako and Makoto were all starry eyed.  In a dreamy voice, the latter said, "Wow. Fated love.  How romantic. You'll need our help, Phil. We're romance experts!"  
  
Ralph chuckled. "You girls are all boy crazy, but when was the last time any of you had an actual boyfriend?" Usagi raised her hand. "Who isn't dead." She lowered her arm. "OK, how about a date?" No response. "I rest my case."  
  
Usagi crossed her arms across her chest. "I'm not going!"  
  
Phil's eye twitched. "What did you say?"  
  
"Martial arts are icky! Only sweaty, egotistical morons do it!"  
  
"OK, plan B. Ralph, the chloroform, if you please?" The mage handed Phil the bottle. Pulling a rag from his utility belt, he doused it with the liquid. "Here, smell this."  
  
Ami immediately stepped between her friend and the Physics Policeman. "Wait! It'll knock you out!"  
  
Phil knew how to deal with that. "It smells like chocolate."  
  
"Gimme!" Pushing past a protesting Ami, Usagi grabbed the bottle, shoved it up her nose and inhaled. She was instantly in dreamland.  
  
"Once again, foiled by her Achilles heel."  
  
Rei lifted her transformation pen into the air. "You won't take her if she doesn't want to go! Sailor Mars Transformation!" As the various Senshi had their clothes replaced by the ridiculous Fuku, Ralph grinned.  
  
"Now we get to have some fun!" He raised his hand, palm outstretched, toward Sailor Jupiter. "Ide E'oul liivan!" The spell sent a bolt of energy into the tall brunette. She was hurled backwards through the wall.  
  
"Planet X Beam!" From Ecks' crystal shot an energy blast similar to Ralph's. The bolt dropped Sailor Mercury where she stood.  
  
Phil simply walked towards Mars and Venus. "Mars Fire Ignite!" "Venus Love Chain!" He simply shrugged away the fire and energy hearts. He came within arms length of the magical girls.  
  
"Here's a little something I learned from Spock. Vulcan nerve pinch!" He struck out with both hands, catching the young girls where their shoulders met their necks. Both collapsed instantly.  
  
"Are we done yet?"  
  
"Yes, GoChibi. You've been very patient." Already he liked this girl. The original would have been stupid enough to attack with the Senshi. "Ralph, grab Ms. Chocoholic over there and lets go!"  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"Piccolo's Watchtower. We need to borrow the Hyperbolic Time Chamber."  
  
With that, those still conscious left through the window.  
  
End Part 7


	8. The Training Begins

Part 8  
  
The Training Begins  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing mentioned, except for original characters.  
  
Thought of the Day: It is very hard to come up with good "Thoughts of the Day."  
  
In a remote corner of Japan, which is a remote corner of the world, there is a place that completely violates the Laws of Physics. It was known as "Kami's Lookout," until that particular Guardian of the Earth had merged with Piccolo. Now, Piccolo had taken Kami's place.  He and Mr. Popo, a short, round black man with no discernible nose and oversized lips, were the sole inhabitants of the massive structure.  Well, technically there was Dende, but he was off doing who-knew-what.  All Piccolo knew was that the new Guardian of the Earth would spend large amounts of time missing, and he was constantly picking up the slack.  He didn't know where or why, but he had heard rumors from Gohan that a "Green Messiah" was making his way through various Third World nations, healing the sick and whatnot.  _If that's Dende, I suppose this isn't TOO boring.  I mean, I wasn't doing anything more important anyway.   _

The green man sat in an opulent palace, suspended thousands of feet into the air by a far too thin totem pole. Piccolo was spending his day as he normally did, meditating. Occasionally he would journey into the forest at the base of the structure to train, but it hadn't been as pressing since Cell had been defeated.  
  
Crouched in a lotus position, the Namek was breathing in a slow, deliberate manner. He resembled a human or Saiyan, except for a few minor differences. First of all, his skin was a green hue, and he had pink marks on his arms and torso. From his head sprouted a pair of antennae, and he had claw like fingernails and fanglike teeth. (Author's note: OK, fine! He looks absolutely nothing like a human or Saiyan! Just forget I said anything!!!)

Mr. Popo was off doing... whatever it was Mr. Popo did when Piccolo wasn't around. Not that the Guardian of the Earth particularly cared.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Elsewhere in the Shrine:  
  
"Gotta catch `em all! Pokemon!"  
  
* * * * *  
  
Suddenly, Piccolo detected five energy signatures moving towards his residence. The reached out to each one, in an attempt to discern their identity. He didn't recognize any of them.  
  
One had a fairly conventional power level, drawing upon Chi as he did. This one was reasonably strong, but nothing compared to himself or his friends. Another was, based on her signal, unconscious. Her Chi power was laughable, but Piccolo sensed that there was a sleeping strength buried deep beneath the surface. Close to her, possibly the one carrying her was slightly stronger than she was, but still puny. However, energy unlike any other he had yet encountered seemed to flow from him. Another female signature flew. She was an odd mix of Chi and whatever energy surrounded the second male. Finally, and most powerful, was another female. This one's Chi was oddly familiar. It resembled the unconscious girl's energy, but also that of somebody else close to him. Her power was enough to pose a threat should violence break out.  
  
He rose to his feet. "Mr. Popo! We have visitors!"  
  
"Yes, Piccolo." He switched off his television.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
SU5 arrived about five minutes later. Phil, being the strongest member of the team, took point. Slightly behind and to his right, Ecks landed and rolled. She drew her oversized staff out of the nothingness she kept it in and prepared it to fire. Ralph gently set Usagi to the ground and moved to Phil's left. He activated his lightsaber, and the red column of energy extended, ready to defend against any threat. Moving like a professional, GoChibi took up a fighting stance next to Phil.  
  
Piccolo stood waiting for them. He was clothed in his usual white outfit with the ludicrously large shoulder pads. "You're trespassing. What do you want?"  
  
Phil, seemingly unimpressed, stepped forward. "I am Sergeant Phil of the Physics Police. May I see your Super Hero license?"  
  
"My what?"  
  
"You heard me. Hand it over."  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about."  
  
"In that case, you are in big trouble." He pulled out a pair of stun cuffs. "You are under arrest for multiple acts of superhuman strength, speed and stamina without a license."  
  
"You think you can take me?" The Namek grinned savagely.  
  
"No, but I think she can." GoChibi transformed to Super Saiyan. Her now blonde hair was forced from the bands that had kept it in pigtails and stood straight up.  
  
"What... you're Chi... it's just like Gohan's..." Now he knew why she had felt so familiar.  
  
Phil coughed into his hand. "Ahem. I have been authorized to pardon you for your offenses if you will a) return with Ecks here to get your registration and b) let us use the Hyperbolic Time Chamber."  
  
"Huh? Return where?"  
  
"The less you know, the better for you. However, I need to train badly if I'm going to survive in this timeline, so I need your facilities. Also, Ralph here will need to stay with the meatball head."  
  
"And what would the penalty be for my "crimes?" He nervously eyed the Saiyan girl.  
  
"Approximately three hundred years, give or take."  
  
Piccolo winced. "I think we have a deal, but the second I get back, I want an explanation!"  
  
A wormhole opened in the fabric of reality, and Piccolo and Ecks fell through the space between dimensions.  
  
Phil stooped over, bending his arm at GoChibi's level. "Shall we?"  
  
She looped her arm around his, and the two merrily skipped towards the Hyperbolic Time Chamber.  
  
* * * *  
  
Piccolo's already oversized anime eyes were larger than ever. He had seen alien worlds; beings that could destroy a planet in their sleep and at least a dozen shape shifters. Until a few moments ago, he had thought that nothing would ever surprise him again. His senses were assaulted by a myriad of sights, smells and sounds. He heard conversation in more languages than he knew existed, several alien species that he had never even imagined and smells that ranged from intoxicating to nauseating. Ecks was leading him along, and occasionally had to use all of her strength to move the Namek as he stared at something. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, they made it to the licensing desk.  
  
"Here you are. I'll be waiting. Just holler when you're done." She disappeared into the endless sea of cubicles.  
  
Behind the counter was, to his surprise, a perfectly normal man. "Name?"  
  
"Uh, Piccolo."  
  
"Would that be a first name or a last name?"  
  
"Uh, I'm just Piccolo."  
  
"OK." He checked another box. "Home address?"  
  
"Uh, my home really doesn't have an address."  
  
"Well we need an address in order to give you your license."  
  
Piccolo frowned. It looked like it could take a while.  
  
* * * *  
  
"Ralph, your job is to make sure Usagi doesn't fall off the edge. That would be a bad thing." Phil looked past Ralph's shoulder to see the drugged up Moon Princess. "In principle. If the other Senshi find out we're here, what do you do?"  
  
"Hit Usagi with another dose of chloroform, use the Reality Checker and engage them at close range."  
  
"Very good. See you in two years." Phil and GoChibi entered the overly ornate entrance to the Chamber. On the other side was a fairly normal dwelling, with more luxuries than he had expected. On the wall was a huge clock.  
  
GoChibi scratched her head in confusion. "What's this place?"  
  
"It's called the Hyperbolic Time Chamber. I'm surprised Gohan didn't tell you about it. Every day we're in here passes as a year for us, and we're allowed to stay two days. For now, we are just focusing on increasing our physical strength. Special techniques and strategies can wait until later."  
  
"Why are we here?"  
  
"Look, at the moment neither of us is strong enough to be much of a threat to the Z fighters or their enemies. You managed to bluff Piccolo back there, but we got lucky that he didn't notice how hard it was for you to transform. Now, we work on our base powers."  
  
Thus began their training.  
  
* * * *  
  
Two Hours (1 Month) Later  
  
A scared little girl ran through a seeming dreamland. It was white in all directions, and nothing else. She was sure she was lost, but couldn't stop running. She had been fleeing from her pursuer for hours, and couldn't see him. Suddenly she saw a shadow on the ground beside her. She glowed yellow, and GoChibi transformed into Super Saiyan. The presence above her began to glow red. With this, Phil scowled menacingly at her. "For the last time, young lady, you are taking a bath. Now!"  
  
She unleashed a bolt of Chi energy, which Phil barely managed to avoid. He fired his own barrage, and sheer number of energy beams ensured that a few of them hit. Then, the two came to physical blows. Phil was using his longer reach and greater mass to hammer GoChibi while she vainly attempted to block and parry the blows. She cupped her hands. "Kame..." When Phil moved his arms to block the blast, she halted her attack and flew forward, planting her fist directly into his gut.  
  
The wind knocked from his lungs, Phil collapsed to the ground in a heap. GoChibi pressed the attack, but her stubby leg passed through the afterimage of Phil. The real warrior materialized directly behind the young Saiyan and his fist smashed into her temple. Stunned, she plummeted towards the ground like a marionette with its strings cut. After making a crater in the blank nothingness, she leapt back to her feet, activating a blue lightsaber. Phil pulled out the yellow bladed weapon that replaced the one lost in his fight with Kerrigan. The two flew towards each other at approximately mach 2, and began to execute a midair version of the Jedi's odd fighting style.  
  
GoChibi landed a burning strike against Phil's right arm. Fortunately, the weapons were only set to training levels. However, it still stung. Whipping out with his right foot, he kicked away her lightsaber. He struck out, and the yellow blade lopped away some of her hair  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Don't worry about it. That look is definitely you!"  
  
"But I'll look like Misty with bright pink hair!"  
  
Phil winced. "I guess you're right. I'll fix that," he said, his voice taking a dark tone. "After your bath."  
  
"Never!" Using her small grasp of the Force, GoChibi plucked her weapon from where it lay. She began to force Phil back with the ferocity of her attack.  
  
"Kayo-Ken times forty!" The red glow surrounding his body intensified. With a single backhand, he slapped her across the face. The young Saiyan clung desperately to consciousness. Phil lifted her by her right arm, dangling her at about eye level. "Give up yet?"  
  
She responded by swiftly kicking him in the groin. Even using the Kayo-Ken, Phil's eyes began to water after the Super Saiyan's blow. In a very high-pitched voice, he commented, "Impressive. Most Impressive. But you are not a Jedi yet!" He waved his hand directly in front of her face. His voice still unusually high, he said, "You are very sleepy." She immediately dozed off. "The Force can have a great influence upon the weak minded. Heh." The red glow dissipated, as did her yellow aura. He walked, bowlegged, back to the living area. Good thing I put that homing beacon over there. It's really easy to get lost around here.  
  
* * * *  
  
GoChibi awoke. It took her a moment to remember where she was. "Phil-san?"  
  
Then she smelled the familiar aroma of frying meat and vegetables. Putting two of her fingers to her head, GoChibi teleported directly next to Phil. He was in front of the stove, making some sort of stir-fry. Shocked by the sudden appearance of the young Saiyan, Phil grasped his chest and glared at her. "Gah! Don't do dat!"  
  
"What'cha makin?" She sniffed the concoction, and a grin spread on her face. "Fajitas Con Phil! My favorite!"  
  
"Yeah, that was what I was planning on calling them. But this is the first time I've made, it so how..." He smacked his forehead. "Of course! You're from the future!"  
  
"Yeah. You're a really good cook."  
  
Phil blushed. "Aw, gee, you're spoiling me."  
  
"You make this all the time."  
  
Phil's eyebrow rose. "You mean, every time you visit. Right?"  
  
"Oh, no. I spend more time at your house than at the Palace. Mom and Pop are always too busy to take care of me, and none of the maids like me much cause of my powers, so I basically live with you."  
  
"Wait a minute. You mean, in the future, I'm your... nanny?"  
  
She furrowed her brow in concentration. "Yeah, you could say that, I guess..."  
  
Phil lowered his ladle. His face was an emotionless mask. He calmly placed the ladle in GoChibi's hands. "Could you watch this for a minute?" She nodded. "Thank you." His body glowed a dark purple as he swiftly flew into the white void.  
  
After stirring the fajitas a moment, GoChibi decided to add a few more onions. While she cut the vegetables, she heard a faint yell of, "Perfect Shi Shi Houkou Dan!" A purple flash filled the air, and a massive shockwave followed a moment later. While the structure shook around her, the future Moon Princess continued to obliviously slice the onions, while singing a happy ditty.  
  
* * * *  
  
Later:  
  
The two warriors sat at the simple table. Phil hadn't spoken since returning and finding out that GoChibi had been ordered by Future Phil to destroy Present Phil's cyanide pills. Her exact words had been, "Something about a suicidal impulse, but he...you... he didn't explain what it meant."  
  
Phil finally spoke. "Sorry I reacted like that."  
  
"Reacted like what?"  
  
Phil's eye twitched. _It's like Gohan's genius somehow exists alongside Usagi's ditziness. Weird._ "Never mind. What I was going to mention earlier was that I've figured out how we can completely dominate anybody we run into here."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Well, there are two steps. First of all, no more transformations or Kaio-Kens." GoChibi sat there in shock. She almost stopped eating. Almost. (One can't fight the combined glutton genes of both a Saiyan and Usagi for long.) "You see, I've uncovered a basic fault in every training exercise in every Dragonball Z universe after the Super Saiyan level is discovered. Basically, everybody here relies too much on the "next stage" in whatever series of transformations they practice. A stage that may not exist. Piccolo remains a powerful figure, but only because he regularly absorbs other Nameks. But, you see, one can't rely on that. Also, they always train in Super Saiyan mode. It makes it almost impossible for them to strain themselves, which means they have to work that much harder to grow stronger. You see, one basic element of both the Kaio-Ken and Super Saiyan transformations is that it increases your power based on your original level. It's easier to find a way to work out in normal mode, so gaining even, say, a one percent power boost during training can have profound results on your transformed state."  
  
"OK, I see. So, we're going to work out as is?" She pointed to her hair. After losing the hunk during the fight, Phil had rearranged it into a simple pigtail that was a little more than shoulder length.  
  
"Well, that's the first half. Also, every technique and transformation I've seen around these parts wastes insane amounts of energy on cool lights and sounds. Once we train a bit more, I'll start working on increasing the efficiency of our attacks. You'll probably be able to adapt it to your Super Saiyan transformations, but I make no guarantees. We still need to work on our speed, but our regular training should cover that." Seeing that GoChibi had cleaned her plate, he used a small amount of Force to clear the table.  
  
"Step one begins now." A blue battle aura surrounded him. "After you." He opened the door. Actually, he more ripped it off its hinges. "Oops. Maybe I should have powered up **after** opening the door." He shrugged. After all, they had another twenty-three months to train. He would fix the door another day. Its not like they really needed a door. Who were they trying to keep out? With these questions on his mind, GoChibi flew out the door, with Phil on her tail. The two began to exchange blows and energy attacks.  
  
But what about Piccolo?  
  
* * * *  
  
After five hours of filling out paperwork, Piccolo wiped his green, perspiration-coated brow. This is harder than it looks. He handed the last form to the man behind the desk. "So, when do I get my license?"  
  
The serious man chuckled. "Oh, those weren't the forms for your license. Those were the forms to let you sign," He paused as he hefted a two-foot pile of documents onto Piccolo's desk, "these forms."  
  
Piccolo face faulted. I'm going to need a new pen. "Where do they find you people?"  
  
"Well, I used to work for the IRS."  
  
A scream of horror filled the licensing department.  
  
End Part 8  
  
Next Chapter: Ralph verses the Sailor Senshi!


	9. Ralph versus the Sailor Senshi

Part 9  
  
Ralph Vs. The Sailor Senshi  
  
By Bobcat  
  
   
Disclaimer: Pokemon, the Sailor Senshi, various Dragon Ball Z characters and ideas and anything else I throw in are owned by Japanese people who I don't know.  
  
Location: Universe FC-1, The Hyperbolic Time Chamber  
  
Day 1 (Year 1), Hour 5 (2 Months)  
  
It was another featureless day in the Chamber. Several months of training were beginning to take effect. GoChibi felt easily twice as strong as she had before, and Phil... well, Phil was a special case. GoChibi suspected that he was stronger than he was letting on, but she couldn't figure out why he would hide his power. She shrugged, and continued her exercise without a hitch. This was pretty impressive, considering that she was currently standing on one hand, studying a Jedi Holocron that she had brought with her, and lifting several household objects with her mind.  
  
Normally, she would have begun the day in silent meditation. However, today she had decided to cram in some more Force training. _Phil usually uses some Jedi trick to beat me. Putting me to sleep, throwing me around... but I'll be ready next time! _In her right hand was the small cube. From one of several ports emanated a hologram of an older, bald man with dark skin. The Holocron was a tiny library, filled with as many Jedi secrets as one could stuff into its almost limitless capacity.  
  
"Master Windu, how do I stop Phil from using mind tricks on me?"  
  
The hologram wavered a moment. What also made the Holocron unique was its interface system. Basically, a Jedi had recorded certain lessons into the device. A different Master taught each lesson, and Mace Windu had recorded this particular lecture before being slain by Darth Vader. GoChibi still wasn't sure how the Physics Police had come into possession of the Holocron, but she didn't particularly care.  
  
"One must immerse oneself in the Force. Learn to see through the false vision. One's will must be strong, and your spirit clean. Remember, any illusion is simply that: an illusion." Again, the image froze.  
  
Flipping to her feet, GoChibi put the item into her back pocket. "Right. C'mon Phil, I'm ready." She gently set down the silverware and plates onto the table in a neat pile. A yellow aura surrounded her, and her pigtail came undone as the energies of her Super Saiyan state flowed through her. "D'oh!" _Not again! From now on, I'm just gonna let it do what it wants. _She scanned for her Godfather, and detected him several kilometers away. She flew at supersonic speeds. The empty whiteness of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber engulfed her.  
  
_That's odd. Phil feels weaker than he did yesterday. But that's impossible! He's been training even longer than I have! Is he exhausting himself? _Her ponderings were interrupted as a bright blue flash filled the air. She winced in pain at the brightness. _What the... _A massive shockwave struck an instant later. Had she not been in Super Saiyan mode, she would have been killed on the spot. As it was, she could only resist the energy wave for a moment. She was forced to ride it for the two-kilometer trip back to the living quarters. GoChibi flew through the still broken door and into the couch. The green love seat broke in half and the young Saiyan was embedded in the wall. For several moments, it was all she could do to remain conscious. "Ow." _Was that Phil? It had to be, but... he was so weak! How could he...  
_  
She remembered Phil explaining how his technique worked. "First question: do we use the same engine technology as the first model Ts?"  
  
"No," she had said.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because, they used too much gas, and were too difficult to get going."  
  
"My attempts to make our Chi attacks more efficient work the same way. We've been using the same way to power up our Chi as they were using thousands of years ago. It works just fine, but it's difficult to maintain, and the techniques are wasteful. I'm trying to get the same effect with less energy. Heck, if this works out, you may not have to transform any more."  
  
GoChibi shuddered. She looked at the weak yellow glow surrounding her arm. That attack almost killed me, but it wasn't even aimed at me! Her mouth gaped in horror as she realized what had happened. I'm obsolete! I must learn this technique!  
  
In the middle (if it even had a middle) of the blank space sat Phil. His finger glowed a light blue, but it was beginning to fade. He blew the smoke from his hand. "Well, the Kamehameha is coming along nicely. I'm disappointed; I thought GoChibi had more smarts than to fly into a firing zone. Oh, well. Now to start on the Kaio-Ken." He went to work, attempting to maintain his enhanced strength while eliminating the red glow.  
  
* * * *  
  
Just outside the Hyperbolic Time Chamber:  
  
These guys are good. Ralph held five poker cards in his hand, and beads of sweat flowed down his brow. He stared into the beady eyes of the player across from him. He placed two of his cards on the table. "Two." The dealer gave him a pair of cards. _Yes!_ "I see your five, and raise you ten." _No way they have anything better than this!   
_  
"Char, char mander char! (Nothing but garbage!)" The Charmander threw down its cards. Geodude and Poliwag each stayed in.  
  
"Poli, Poli?" (How the hell am I playing cards? I don't got no hands!)"  
  
"Geo. Dude. (Don't ask me!)"  
  
The Pokemon Ralph had picked up during one of his missions served a very important purpose: companionship. Since Ralph was usually assigned to guard the rear, or make sure that somebody didn't escape, or to keep an eye on things, he usually didn't see much action. He felt that his Jedi and magical talents were going to waste, but as long as Phil was around, the mage was always playing a support role. _Heck, I almost wish somebody would attack!_ As soon as he thought it, he took it back. He was in the middle of a world where there were demons, monsters and people who could casually vaporize a planet. He was proud of his skills, but he knew he stood no chance against many of the inhabitants of this planet. _My only hope is to just stay out of the way_. "I'm calling. Read `em and weep, boys! Full House, Aces over Kings!"  
  
Geodude then revealed his four of a kind. "Huh?" _Not again!_ It was at this moment that Ralph felt a disturbance in the Force. He held up a trio of Pokeballs. "Everybody, return!" All three creatures were converted into energy and sucked into the balls.  
  
"It feels familiar. It's... under my feet?" He considered this for a moment. "They must be at the bottom of the tower." _Who could it be?  
_  
* * * *  
  
At the base of the totem pole stood four young women. All stared in amazement at the structure before them. It had various hieroglyphs and images carved into the stone structure, and stretched high above the clouds.  
  
Sailor Venus scratched her head. "What is it?"  
  
Sailor Mercury was using her Mercury-Computer magical laptop and scanner goggles to analyze it. "It... isn't possible! This thing must go up for kilometers! There isn't enough stone in all of Japan to make this!"  
  
Sailor Mars had a pair of binoculars. "Looks like it's just one large stone. Wonder where it came from?"  
  
Jupiter agreed. "Yeah, and who built it? Why didn't anyone notice this thing before?"  
  
"Because it wasn't there before."  
  
"Huh?" All four turned to face the voice addressing them. Stepping out of nowhere was Pluto, the Senshi of Time. Also joining her were Uranus and Neptune.  
  
As usual, Mercury was full of questions. "Uranus? Neptune? What are you doing here? We haven't seen you since that business with Sailor Saturn."  
  
"They are here because I asked them here."  
  
"OK, Pluto, then why are you here?"  
  
"The timeline is in peril. We have come to repair it."  
  
"What's causing this?"  
  
"Some element of chaos has been causing all sorts of odd happenings for about a week now. Look!" She made a motion, and some sort of crystal ball appeared in her hands. All of the Senshi, Inner and Outer alike, stared in amazement. It showed some events transpiring in New York.  
  
* * * *  
  
"Bah! Hulk smash funny gray things!"  
  
The Incredible Hulk didn't know how he had ended up in the middle of New York, but he wasn't pleased. The brutish behemoth had been leaping across the plains of New Mexico one moment, and was transported to the noisy, smelly center of Manhattan the next. Suffice to say, the Hulk didn't like this one bit. And then, having a pair of Imperial AT-ST scout walkers attack him didn't improve his mood.  
  
Inside the cockpit of one of the walkers, Commander Jork of the Third Imperial Division was as confused as the Hulk. They had been fighting a band of local aliens, "Awoks" is what he thought they were called, on Endor when a hole in the space-time continuum had opened directly beneath his unit. Unbeknownst to him, the other members of his walker contingent were being blasted apart in one of the various Gundam universes. More pressing, however, was this odd green alien that could withstand several bursts from their chin-mounted lasers. _These things can take out a small speeder, and this... creature acts like we're shooting him with Calamarian Fluffsquid! _"Gunner, try actually hitting him!"  
  
"Sir, every shot has been a direct hit, sir!"  
  
"Damn!" The alien leapt out, landing at the feet of walker number three.  
  
"Why puny humans never leave Hulk alone? Hulk smash!" With that, he lifted the walker above his head, and threw it directly upwards. It achieved a low orbit, and would eventually burn up in the atmosphere somewhere over France.  
  
Commander Jork weighed his options. "Retreat!" By then, it was too late.  
  
"Puny humans run! Puny humans think puny guns hurt Hulk? Hulk smash!" 

Jork's last thought was, "That's a rather limited vocabulary!" Then the Hulk's massive feet crushed the AT-ST into an object roughly the height of a manhole cover.  
  
With nothing left to smash, the Hulk leapt away, hoping to find the solitude that he so craved.  
  
* * * *  
  
Sailor Jupiter was the first to speak. "What was that?"  
  
"I don't know. I've been guarding the Time Gate for thousands of years, but I've never seen anything remotely like that green creature or those robots."  
  
"Pluto, is it a youma?"  
  
"No, its energy isn't right. But this isn't all. Cities have appeared and disappeared overnight. There is a Gotham City, and a Metropolis, but no sign of Salt Lake City! People's personalities have changed overnight. For example, President Bush of America went on the radio to address his nation, and didn't invent a single word!"  
  
All gasped in unison. Mercury had a worried look on her face. "How is this possible?"  
  
"That's exactly my point: it isn't! Some chaos is reshaping our universe, and a good measure of it is focused right here." Pluto looked straight up. "Any ideas how to get up there?"  
  
Jupiter raised her hand. "Oh! Me! Me!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"We can hijack a helicopter, then..."  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, please?"  
  
This time, everybody answered in unison. "No!"  
  
"Just this once?"  
  
"What part of no don't you understand?"  
  
"Ah, you never let me have any fun!"  
  
"Excuse me." All of the Senshi turned around, weapons drawn and attacks readied. "Calm down! My name is Sahib. I am a wandering carpet merchant, and I couldn't help overhearing your dilemma."  
  
"Why would we want a carpet? Stop wasting our time, old man!"  
  
"Just for that, I charge you double for my magical flying carpets!"  
  
"Wait... flying carpets?"  
  
"Yes, fresh from Arabia. I can rent you a few. However, for all of you, it will cost... five thousand yen." All immediately choked.  
  
"Huddle!" Venus addressed the group. "Do you have any money?"  
  
"Uh, I have a few yen in my pockets..." Mercury accidentally pulled out Lefty Lisa. "Oops! Wrong pocket!" She searched her right. "Uh, I have a hundred..."  
  
Between them, they had about one thousand. "Oh, please, good sir, please let us have them for this much! The fabric of reality depends upon it!"  
  
"Well, if it's for the good of the world... alright!" He accepted their money. "You can share two."  
  
As the Sailor Senshi floated to the top of Piccolo's watchtower, Sahib whispered into a nearby bush. "Watto, you can come out now."  
  
The blue skinned, flying tapir flapped his way from the bushes. "Ah, very good! What I tell you, put a few old repulsorlifts in an old bantha-hide rug, and the rubes come swarming to see your "magic" carpets!"  
  
"Let's go find some more suckers!"  
  
"I teach you well, boy!"  
  
The swindlers moved into the thick undergrowth of the forest, out of both sight and mind for the Senshi.  
  
* * * *  
  
Ralph was deep in contemplation. _The two strange signals are moving away, but those others are coming straight towards me!_ He ignited his lightsaber. The red energy blade was in position to ward off any attacks.  
  
It was at this moment that a pair of energy orbs flew towards him. One was yellow, and the other blue. He sidestepped the yellow blast, and used his lightsaber to bat away the other. It flew off into the ground, blowing away several tiles. He then saw the source of the attack. Packed three or four to a carpet, the Senshi leapt from the old rugs.  
  
"I, Sailor Pluto, will punish you in the name of Time!"  
  
_The Outer Senshi? This could get hairy! _"Look, what's all this about?"  
  
Mars stepped forward. "You kidnapped Usagi, you jerk! We want her back, and now!"  
  
_Damn! I forgot about that!_ Sailor Jupiter had lightning streaming across her forehead. _Looks like she wants a rematch._  
  
Pluto nodded. "Foul bringer of chaos, we will slay you for the sake of the future!"  
  
"Look, Lady, we're doing this to preserve the future! Just ask GoChibi!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
_Just great! The Time Gate hasn't adjusted for the influx of new data! She probably doesn't even know Tux-Boy's dead! And there are too many of them for me to just defend myself with the Reality Checker!  
_  
Jupiter had formed the lightning into a ball. "Enough talk! Let's fight already!"  
  
Using the Force to aid his leap, Ralph jumped over the attack. "You call that electricity? D'undertholtes fo Zuse elend mir!" From his own hands came a cluster of lightning bolts. It hit Jupiter. She grimaced for a few moments, but recovered quickly. _Damn! She just absorbed the attack!_ "Dehas f'rifoes het musomni!" A fireball flew towards Jupiter, but Sailor Mercury used her "Mercury Bubbles" attack to intercept it.  
  
_OK. My magic is useless. May the Force be with me._ He dodged another attack from Uranus.  
  
"Venus Love-Me Chain!"  
  
"Mars Burning Mandala!"  
  
A wave of hearts and fire flew out at him. He narrowly avoided the flames, and used his lightsaber to deflect Venus' attack towards Mercury. The attack sent her sprawling._ One down! _He was surprised when she rose to her feet. _What the hell? Looks like their magic doesn't hurt the other Senshi!  
_  
Pluto lowered her staff at Ralph. "All together, girls!"  
  
"Venus..."  
  
"Mars..."  
  
The sheer number of attacks directed at Ralph might have worried even Phil. _Ah, crap! Time to get sneaky!_ Ralph raised his arms above his head, and yelled, "Saotome Family Desperation Move!"  
  
After seeing Phil's power the other day all of the Senshi braced themselves for impact. When ten seconds passed with no assault, they looked out. Ralph had vanished.  
  
Pluto cursed under her breath. "Spread out and find him! Groups of two!"  
  
"Right!"  
  
Meanwhile, Ralph was running through the halls of the palace. He could feel each of them through the Force. _Good, they're_ s_plitting up. I can take any one of them, but they can beat me through attrition. Gotta think...  
_  
A few minutes later, in a dark hall:  
  
"Uranus, any sign of him?"  
  
"Negative, Neptune. It's like he disappeared!"  
  
Ralph was far closer than either would have guessed. He had deactivated his lightsaber, and had now released Geodude. The logic had been that it could withstand their powerful physical attacks. "Ready, Geodude?"  
  
"Geo. (Yes, **Master**.)"  
  
"Cut the sarcasm, you!"  
  
When the pair of Outer Senshi reached the end of the hall, Ralph sprung his ambush. "N'Diw sw'te ponu lalki!" The whirlwind knocked both on their butts.  
  
"What the..."  
  
"Geodude, tackle attack!"  
  
"Geo!"  
  
The rock Pokemon rammed into Neptune's face, knocking her cold instantly. Uranus began to summon an attack to get rid of the thing. "Planet... oof!" Ralph, using his lightsaber as a club, struck her in the temple. She slumped to the ground.  
  
Hogtying the pair of Senshi, Ralph hoped that Charmander and Poliwag were having this much luck.  
  
* * *  
  
"Hey, Mercury, is that computer of yours picking up anything?"  
  
"Yes, there are two life forms around this corner… Jupiter, wait!" It was too late; her friend was rushing headlong towards the enemy.  
  
As she rounded the corner, Jupiter was toasted by a jet a flames. In classic Anime style, she was burnt to a crisp. She opened her mouth, releasing a puff of smoke. Then she collapsed to the ground.  
  
"Jupiter! Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" A wall of water flew towards Charmander.  
  
"Char! Mander! (Get off yer lazy ass, Poliwag!)" The tadpole Pokemon leapt from above, and used its barrier attack to shield its ally.  
  
"What are you?" Mercury received no reply from the tiny youma. (Or, at least, she assumed they were youma.)  
  
Poliwag added its water gun attack to Charmander's flamethrower. Still recharging from her last attack, Mercury ended up in much the same state Jupiter did.  
  
Charmander gave a little victory sign. "Char Char! (Slap me some skin, little frog buddy!)"  
  
"There they are! Mars Fire Ignite!" The Pokemon were forced to retreat from the remaining Senshi.  
  
* * * *  
  
"Hurry up, Geodude!"  
  
"Geo! (Don't rush me, man!)"  
  
The two groups of non-Senshi ran into each other. "Charmander? Have you found the others?"  
  
"Mander! Char Char! (They're right on our tails!)"  
  
"I see `em."  
  
"Halt, foul bringer of..."  
  
"Aw, shaddup! OK guys, Rock Throw, Flamethrower, Water Gun!"  
  
"Venus Love-Me Chain!"  
  
"Mars Fire Ignite!"  
  
"Dead Scream!"  
  
The two waves of energy and projectiles collided. For the moment, neither side held the advantage. However, the underdeveloped Pokemon at Ralph's disposal couldn't hope to hold out much longer. Than Ralph had an idea. His eyes began to glow an odd yellow color, and a similarly colored aura surrounded his body.  He then began to chant.  
  
**_By the Hammer of Thor,  
  
And the Eye of Odin,  
  
Lend me the strength of  
  
The collectors of fallen warriors.  
  
Valkyrie Beam!  
_**  
This particular spell, hidden within the depths of the Grimorum Achrinorum, was the most powerful attack at Ralph's disposal (It was also the only spell in English). It was as yet untested, but it was also his only hope. From each hand, an intense beam of yellow light flew out. The beams assumed the shape of a horse and rider, and smashed into Venus and Pluto.  
  
Mars stood there, shaking. _Pluto was the most powerful one here! If he took her out..._ Then she noticed that Ralph has panting, and was forced to lean against a wall. _He's totally drained!  
_  
_Shit, I'm totally drained! _As he sat down, he felt a pain on his right side. It was like a dagger was poking into his leg. _What the...It's that wand I picked up in Oz!_ _And a poker card! _"I hope this works!" He threw the card up into the air. "Sailor Mars Card, return to your power confined!"  
  
"What the hell are you doing? Eeep!" She squealed in surprise as her body was converted into energy and drawn into the poker card.  
  
Ralph looked at the card in his hand. It had changed from a nine to a picture of Sailor Mars. She had an angry expression on her face, and seemed to be looking right at him. "I can't believe that worked! Geodude, you and the others collect the Senshi. I know just what to do with them. And then we can take a nice, long nap."  
  
* * *  
  
Sailor Mercury awoke. "Where am I?" Her head was racked by a splitting ache, and various parts of her body were covered in minor burns. Above her was a stern looking police officer.  
  
"You are under arrest for assaulting a Physics Police officer, interfering with a Physics Police mission, and two counts of cruelty to animals. You have the right to remain silent..."  
  
As the officer began droning, Mercury's headache worsened. Maybe we should have just left him alone. Her thoughts drowned out the list of Miranda rights being read to her. "I'm going to need some aspirin. And maybe a lawyer."  
  
End Part 9  
  
What, did you really think the Senshi would win?


	10. The Training Ends

Part 10  
  
The Training Ends  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: I lay claim to nothing except the Physics Police. No Claimjumpers allowed! Unless they ask nicely!  
  
Universe FC-1  
  
The Hyperbolic Time Chamber  
  
Day Two, Hour 23 (1 Year, 11 months)  
  
There was nothing for miles. Literally nothing, except for an atmosphere composed of oxygen, nitrogen and other trace elements, as well as some kind of ground. Before coming here, Phil had thought he had known isolation, growing up on the go, never able to make many long-term friends. However, here there was no life of any kind. No plants grew in the whiteness, and there were no animals to feed upon them. As far as he could discern, there were no bacteria or viruses either, based on the fact that their food hadn't spoiled in the two years they had spent there. The next time he heard somebody arguing that life will find a foothold anywhere, he would tell him or her of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber.  
  
Somewhere in the nothingness, there stood two warriors. Each brandished a lightsaber, one with a blue blade, and one with a yellow. In the two years, GoChibi had grown from age ten to age twelve. Yesterday had been her birthday. Instead of coming up to Phil's waist, she was now level with his chest. After much trial and error, her hair now was about shoulder length. No bands held the hair in place, since it always came undone during training. The proportions of her limbs were closer to that of an adult, which had forced Phil to modify his fighting style. He still had a reach advantage, but she was swiftly closing the gap.  
  
In the year since Phil had begun streamlining various attacks, he had discovered that only a member of the Physics Police could have developed this technique. It required his in-depth knowledge of the laws of physics to know how far he could bend them, and when he could break them. He now needed about one thousandth the energy he had required before to reach the same level. His power level had not risen significantly since he had begun his efforts. However, he was squeezing as much energy from his powers as he physically could. Phil's new technique was also stealthy, since it limited that amount of energy radiating from the body. One could really be at level ten thousand, and read as a level two.  
  
Today was the final test of Phil's improved techniques. If all went as planned, they would be almost on par with a level one Super Saiyan without any Chi enhancing techniques. In this exercise, the lightsabers were on full power. With the strength of the wielders, they could easily eviscerate each other. However, Phil had been coaching GoChibi in her technique, and his own prowess had improved greatly. Phil grinned. "Alright, GoChibi, the sooner we finish this, the sooner we can go home."  
  
"Is that your surrender, Phil-san?"  
  
"I wouldn't dream of it. Ready, set... Go!" The two began trading lightsaber strokes. Phil was running purely on instinct. _Block. Duck. Strike. Block, block, block. Kick, kick, kick._ With the Force flowing through each of them, both could anticipate the moves of the other. Had a casual observer been watching, they wouldn't have even seen movement. All they could do was feel a strong breeze blowing their hat away, and occasional flashes as the lightsabers struck. Even one of the Z fighters would have had difficulty tracking them.  
  
Phil purposely let one of her kicks through. It knocked him back, and he used the distance to his advantage. _Couldn't very well do this at point blank range. _"Improved Kamehameha!" He curled the fingers of his left hand into the shape of a gun. He simply pointed it at GoChibi, and jerked it backwards as if he was shooting with a pistol. Although there was no visible light, Phil's hand glowed a bright blue. An instant later, there was a deafening roar as the beam superheated the air around it. Following the roar was an explosion that engulfed GoChibi. When the dust cleared, she stood there as if nothing had happened. An attack that would have split the earth in half had had no effect on her.  
  
Phil closed in again. The two began to duel with their lightsabers. After several minutes, neither had gained any ground. Phil stepped back, and pocketed his lightsaber. GoChibi followed suit.  
  
"That was a good warm-up. Improved Kaio-ken times one hundred!" As opposed to the explosive burst of red light that would have accompanied this maneuver a year ago, a faint red aura now surrounded him. He pressed the attack, using his superior strength to force her back. Suddenly, a vague yellow aura surrounded GoChibi.  
  
Once again, the two were matched for power. Both began firing nearly invisible Chi bolts at each other. An equally powerful bolt intercepted each attack. After several hours, it was obvious that neither was making any headway.  
  
"Truce?"  
  
"Truce." The auras faded, and they flew casually back to the living quarters. The area where they had fought was pockmarked with massive craters. Had that battle occurred on Earth, there wouldn't be much left of Earth.  
  
* * * *  
  
Outside:  
  
Piccolo sat meditating before the Hyperbolic Time Chamber. He had returned with Ecks only three hours prior, and would occasionally fall asleep. After over a day of efforts, he had returned with small, laminated piece of plastic that allowed him to do what he did naturally. In his photo, he looked as tired as he had felt, and his left antenna was drooping. It unknown why, but of the entire multitude of universes, with trillions of beings inhabiting each, nobody had ever been pleased with their license photo. Piccolo was no exception.  
  
When he wasn't sleeping, Piccolo was attempting to read the energy emanating from the Chamber. It was a frustrating task, because each hour within lasted about a fraction of a second outside. It was necessary for an advanced level of power to be maintained for long periods of time in order for somebody on the outside to accurately read it.  
  
The more Piccolo sensed, the more upset he became. As time went on, he noticed that they had made minimal progress in the time he was monitoring them. They were, in fact, growing weaker. He felt the occasional tug at the energy field that surrounded the one known as Ralph, but the drain was minimal. It was rather frustrating; he had been bullied into allowing them in, and they were doing... nothing!  
  
The door opened. Phil and GoChibi stepped out. And Piccolo could now confirm that they were significantly weaker. Rage etched on his face, Piccolo faded into nothingness and appeared directly in front of Phil.  
  
"What the hell were you doing in there? What, did you just feel like watching TV and living off me for two years? I'm not welfare, pal, and you're going to pay!"  
  
"You will be fully compensated for your time and resources. As for your accusation that my Goddaughter and I have been lazing around, would you like to try me?"  
  
The Namek grinned. "Sure, I could use a good laugh."  
  
"Start whenever you feel ready." Phil didn't adopt a ready stance, nor did he remove the large backpack that carried his personal possessions.  
  
The grin still on his face, Piccolo lashed out. Just as his fist was about to impact Phil's face, the alien found his hand in a viselike grip. It turned out to be Phil's. Piccolo powered up to maximum strength, but was still unable to remove his hand. He was considering ripping it off and regenerating another when Phil casually threw the massive Namek through a wall.  
  
Casually, Phil walked over to the hole. "Now, who's been slacking?"  
  
Piccolo stammered, "This isn't possible! There's no way you could have gotten this strong and still be able to hide it!"  
  
"Tisk Tisk. You see, Piccolo, you technically are stronger than me. In fact, you're a lot stronger than me. You simply are rather inefficient in how you use your energy. While in there, GoChibi and I determined the most efficient way to store and utilize Chi. Goodbye." Phil began to walk away. Piccolo staggered to his feet. "Oh, and Piccolo: don't mention this little occurrence to your friends. I have no interest in world domination or destroying the planet. I'm just doing my job." Phil flew towards his teammates, followed closely by GoChibi.  
  
"Ralph, Ecks! Good to see you! It's nice to have somebody more adult around for once!"  
  
"Hey!" GoChibi's face contorted into a pout.  
  
Phil didn't respond. "Now, where is Usagi?"  
  
Ralph and Ecks were still in a state of shock from what they had just witnessed. After a few moments, Ralph stammered, "S-she's with Mr. Popo."  
  
Phil sighed. "Look, guys, you don't have to be afraid of me. I'm just the same as I've always been. Heck, I could teach you if you like. Now, lets go see Mr. Popo."  
  
As they walked down the opulent hall, Ecks was using a Dragon Ball Z model Scouter on Phil and GoChibi. The readings made no sense. According to the device mounted over her eye, Phil was only as strong as he had been during his fight with Kerrigan, and GoChibi was a shadow of her former self. Yet, she had seen him casually toss about a being with about the same power level as a Super Saiyan. _It just doesn't compute!_  
  
Phil looked over his shoulder. "Don't bother with that antique. It's really easy to fool."  
  
Mr. Popo was in his room. It was a Spartan place, with only a small television to indicate any changes within the last century. A few rugs dotted the ground, and it had his bed was roughly queen sized. Mr. Popo was asleep.  
  
"Hey, Popo! Wake up!" Phil poked him roughly with the butt of his lightsaber.  
  
He snorted a few times. "Huh, what... oh, hello. How are you?"  
  
"We're leaving, and we need to take Usagi with us."  
  
"Very well, she is in the bottle. We found it after we beat Garlic Junior. It is very useful for keeping people from leaving." He nodded, indicating a bottle that was reminiscent of "I Dream of Genie." Inside, a miniature Usagi was hitting the side in a vain attempt to free herself. Phil pulled the cork, and she left in a puff of smoke. When she rematerialized, she began beating Phil's chest in the same manner as she had the bottle.  
  
"Let me out!"  
  
Phil sighed. "You are."  
  
"Oh." Then she remembered who he was. "Foul villain! In the name of the Moon, I shall punish you!" She pulled a silver dollar from her pocket and yelled, "Moon Compact Transformation!" She began to spin around. Predictably, this only served to make her dizzy. She finally came to a halt, and collapsed. "Oh... I don't feel so good."  
  
Ralph pulled her compact from his pocket. "As you may have noticed, we went to the liberty of removing this from your person. And we aren't villains; we're just heroes with a different agenda. Want another sniff of the chocolate drink?"  
  
"Yes!" Again, she shoved the bottle of ACME brand chloroform up her nose, snorted it, and was rendered unconscious.  
  
Phil addressed Ralph. "How many times has she fallen for that?"  
  
Ralph counted on his fingers. "I'd estimate about... twenty times. Which goes to show that one doesn't have to smart to run a planet."  
  
"George W. Bush wasn't enough?"  
  
Usagi was curled up in a fetal position, with a look of pure bliss on her face. You see, she actually thought it did smell like chocolate. "I do not want to think about the fact that I'm looking at my future Queen." Oddly enough, it was GoChibi who said this.  
  
* * * *  
  
Five Minutes Later:  
  
SU5 was flying away from Piccolo's place. Once again, an unconscious Usagi was in Ralph's arms. Ralph was complaining. "Why can't you or Ecks take her?"  
  
"Ah, quit whining. All you've had to do the last couple of days is sit around and watch Usagi."  
  
"Actually, Mr. Popo suggested the bottle immediately after all of you left. However, the Sailor Senshi attacked en masse yesterday."  
  
"C'mon, there were only four of `em."  
  
"Actually, the Outer Senshi were also involved, so there were seven of them. I won, but it was tough."  
  
"Well, good work then."  
  
"Does this mean one of you'll take her?"  
  
There was a simultaneous "No" in response.  
  
Ecks interjected. "So, boss, what's the plan now?"  
  
"Well, I figure we take the uber-ditz here to Hercule City so that she can meet her future husband."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Why not, GoChibi?"  
  
"They told me that they met at the World Marital Arts Tournament, not before!"  
  
"So, we have five days to kill?"  
  
"That would about cover it."  
  
Ecks snorted. "What are we supposed to do for five days?"  
  
Phil shrugged. "I dunno."  
  
While they discussed their next move, none of them noticed a tiny object flitting about them. In fact, there were three of them. Each was the size of a small insect, and shaped like a miniature syringe with wings. They had no obvious propulsion systems, so it was a mystery as to how they managed to fly. Each had a tiny insignia on it: a ribbon with two R's. The symbol of the now defunct Red Ribbon army.  
  
Over twenty years earlier, an evil genius by the name of Doctor Geroe had developed a small army of cybernetic and robotic warriors, which were referred to as Androids. Each had possessed above human strength and intellect, and was mostly loyal to him. Along with a large number of human warriors supporting them, Geroe had planned a campaign of world domination. There was only one thing he hadn't counted on: Goku.  
  
Although he was only a boy at the time, Goku had defeated the Red Ribbon army almost single-handedly. After that, Geroe became obsessed with creating the ultimate warriors. For the most part, he was successful; androids 16, 17 and 18 had each proven more powerful than even a Super Saiyan. Unfortunately for the doctor, his creations had turned upon him. Eventually, these androids were either destroyed or reformed.  
  
However, Doctor Geroe had also realized that there was an alternate route. One of his creations, known as Cell, was formed from genetic materials of the most powerful warriors in existence. Goku, Vegeta, Freeza and many others were all involved. A supercomputer oversaw the operation, dispatching the probes to collect samples. The Cell defeated was from an alternate timeline, and had little effect upon this Cell. However, in this dimension, the lab in which Cell was created wasn't destroyed. Had this universe not fused with the others, Cell would have been born, and then immediately destroyed by Trunks. However, Phil's presence would have serious repercussions.  
  
The supercomputer had discovered several new power signatures. By the time the probes had arrived at Piccolo's home, the most powerful beings had left. The sensors of the probes detected two of the signatures in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, but they were unable to enter. So, the supercomputer ordered them to maintain their position. Now, with the new beings in transit, the probes went into motion.  
  
Their sensors relayed their data back to the supercomputer. It eliminated Ralph and Usagi, based on their weak Chi power levels. The others were targeted. None of them were particularly powerful, but the supercomputer still could access their knowledge and techniques.  
  
Each probe landed on the back of the subject's neck, and inserted the syringe. Much like a mosquito's bite, the host wouldn't notice the probe's presence. Later, each would each find a lump caused by the immune system's response to the anticoagulants meant to stop a scab from forming. The syringes released a swarm of nanobots, and then drew the blood. With their weight nearly doubled, the probes flew back to base.  
  
The nanobots, little more than microscopic transmitters, swam in a great swarm up the neck and into each subject's brain. Then, they attached themselves to the portions of the brain responsible for memory and physical coordination. They arrayed themselves to intercept the nerve impulses, and began to copy and transmit the collected information back to the supercomputer. Within minutes, the host's immune system destroyed the nanobots, but by then their work was complete.  
  
The supercomputer was a near sentient construct, and it was capable of limited independent thought. As the data came in, it became obvious that Ecks was a dead end. She introduced no new Chi techniques, and her power was laughable compared to others it had sampled. She would not be introduced into Cell. However, the other two possessed a more efficient mode of gathering and utilizing Chi. With this technique, Cell wouldn't need to absorb androids 17 and 18 to achieve his full potential. In fact, he would go beyond Geroe's wildest imagination. When the samples were delivered, they would be integrated into Cell. For now, the memories were sufficient.  
  
Then the supercomputer determined that it could easily harness this new method to shorten Cell's gestation. The problem with Cell was that he required nearly two decades of Chi absorption and growth to be a viable opponent. However, this new technique would cut the remaining maturation time to just over a month. If the supercomputer had been capable of such an action, it would have laughed maniacally.  
  
End Part 10  
  
Author's note: Just a little foreshadowing. I realized that in order for an opponent to pose a threat to Phil and GoChibi, it would need to either a) be so insanely powerful that it would be more godlike than anybody I felt like creating, or b) know Phil's technique. Now, Phil wouldn't go around teaching this to random bad guys, so Cell was a logical choice. I also believe I managed to come up with a good explanation as to how Cell knew so much just from a few cells collected from various sources. Obviously, something had to be copying information from the host's mind.  
  
  
  



	11. The Calm Before the Storm

Part 11  
  
The "Calm" Before the Storm

By BobCat  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, Star Wars, the Tick, any DC or Marvel Comic Book characters, Pokemon, or Dragon Ball Z. (I wish I did; do you have any idea how much money these things make?) Again, others may use the Physics Police with my permission.  
  
Universe FC-1  
  
North America, Earth  
  
Metropolis, United States of America  
  
Once again, the Hulk was in a large city. He had no idea where it had come from; just two weeks ago, this spot had been a national park that he had enjoyed visiting. _Where am Hulk?_ _Why stupid humans always ruin pretty trees?_ He had no use for the human's cities: they were big, ugly, noisy and smelly. (Many humans would say the same about him, but not to his face.) As usual, he wasn't consciously trying to destroy property (the Hulk didn't do an awful lot consciously), but a half-ton giant leaping through your city tends to break things. He landed directly on top of the mayor's limo. Fortunately, nobody had been inside, but the Hulk wouldn't have particularly cared either way. Bending his massive legs for another leap, Hulk was knocked back by a bolt of energy.  
  
The attack didn't cause any actual damage. He was more surprised than hurt. "Who hit Hulk?" Turning to face his tormentor, the Hulk saw four people dressed in ridiculous costumes. One was dressed in a red and yellow jumpsuit with a lightning bolt boldly printed on the chest. Another was a woman dressed in a skimpy red, white and blue ensemble. The other woman wore a mask and had feathery wings sprouting from her back. Finally, one was in a familiar blue costume, with a red cape and a yellow "S" on his chest. Hulk thought he recognized one or two of them, but it didn't matter. "Puny humans never leave Hulk alone!" Fed by his anger, his strength began to grow.  
  
The Justice League of America was quick to respond. They had received reports of a creature destroying property at random, and they had found him. Superman began barking orders. "Flash, Hawkgirl, flank his left. Wonder Woman, you and I go up the middle. Break!" The Flash was first to arrive.  
  
"Hey there, tall, green and ugly, watch this!" He began to windmill his arms, creating a powerful whirlwind that would have sent most opponents flying. This oaf didn't even notice. Flying at high speed, Hawkgirl uttered an inarticulate battle cry and attempted to crush the Hulk's skull with her mace. With a surprising speed, he grabbed the archaic weapon and ground it dust between his fingers.  
  
"Bah! Puny weapons no hurt Hulk!" He swatted her aside, as a normal man would a gnat.  
  
Suddenly, the remaining heroes were upon him. The Hulk took several painful blows, mostly from Superman. Finally, he was thrown back by a particularly powerful uppercut from the Man of Steel.  
  
The Flash gave his leader a thumbs up. "Looks like he's finished!"  
  
While the Flash congratulated himself, the Hulk recovered from the attack.  
  
"Now Hulk mad! Hulk smash puny humans!" He leapt forward, catching Superman in the face with both of his enormous feet. The leader of the Justice League was thrown back. Wonder Woman threw her Golden Lasso in an attempt to ensnare the Hulk. It tightened, and the Hulk flexed him inhumanly large muscles. After a few moments, the mystical lasso snapped into several pieces. Then, the Hulk clapped his hands. The massive shockwave knocked her backwards into a semi truck. She went in one side, and out the other.  
  
The Flash began to run in circles around the Hulk. The green behemoth was confused by this. "What stupid Red Man do?"  
  
"Even you need air, ugly!" The vortex was creating a vacuum around the green giant, and he was beginning to suffocate. The Hulk had encountered this before, and knew what to do. He stuck out his massive arm, and the Flash was unable to stop in time to avoid smashing his face against the grotesquely large limb.  
  
About the same time, Superman recovered from the assault. He had tangled with the Hulk before, but something was wrong. Last time, he hadn't been this savage, nor as strong. _It looks like Banner's reverted to his previous state._ He had seen this Hulk before, when Bruce Banner's personality hadn't yet merged with the other half, and had been able to beat him with minimal effort. _He must be really mad._  
  
"Cape man want fight Hulk? Bah! You just make Hulk mad, and the madder Hulk get, the stronger Hulk get!" The two began exchanging blows, and neither made any headway. However, Superman could feel that he was slipping. As time went on, the Hulk's blows were beginning to add up, and he was becoming drowsy. On the other hand, this brute didn't even seem to notice his strongest punches, and was growing stronger by the second. Superman flew away, and tried his heat vision. The twin beams of red light struck the Hulk in the chest. The behemoth was only forced backwards a few inches.  
  
"Funny red light no hurt Hulk! Nothing hurt Hulk! Hulk strongest one there is! Hulk smash!" He clapped again, and the vibration forced the Man of Steel to halt his attack. This was the only opening the Hulk needed. Leaping into the air, Superman almost thought he had retreated. Then, the massive feet smashed into his face again, carrying him down through the pavement, and into the subway. Before Superman could recover, the Hulk knocked him unconscious with a vicious double-handed blow.  
  
With nobody left to fight, the Hulk began wandering the tunnels beneath the city. Neither he, nor the unconscious Justice League, noticed the swarm of nanobots that had been deployed to this city, taking samples of the myriad of super beings inhabiting Metropolis.  
  
***********  
  
Level one, Physics Police Headquarters  
  
O'Connor, after months of work in his attempts to restabilize the multiverse, had thought the hardest part behind him. Now, operating more on coffee than sleep, he looked at the printout from monitor number two. It showed that several rifts still existed between the new universe and others adjacent. All of his Policemen and local Militiamen were scrambling in an attempt to close these rifts. However, after that was done, they would have to find a balance between the various beings. It was impossible to separate the merged realities, so they would all have to learn to get along. O'Connor groaned and reached for his Advil. This could prove quite difficult.  
  
First of all, they had been using television, radio and other media to subliminally give everyone memories of major events that had occurred in their newly shared dimension. Now, everybody who thought him or herself educated knew that Doctor Victor von Doom's tiny Eastern European nation of Latvertia had always existed, thousands of official maps and charts be damned!  
  
Everybody now knew of Cell's bid for world domination, during which he had single-handedly vaporized an army division, and the fact that a professional wrestler by the name of Hercule had finally defeated him. Nobody questioned this last fact; it was common knowledge. Even those who lived in New York, superhero capital of several worlds, knew that Cell and the "golden haired warriors" were nothing but tricksters, and that nobody was really that strong. These same people, thinking this, might casually wave to Spiderman as he went on patrol.  
  
These important factoids were being distributed, and the holes that objects from other universes were coming through were being closed, albeit slowly. He had just dispatched special unit three to deal with a crisis in "The City."  
  
***********  
  
On one side of the street were two men. One was dressed in a light blue, form-fitting costume with antennae. The other was clothed in a white costume with wings and bunny ears (he would tell you that they were moth antennae). On the other was a man with red and black tattoos and horns, dressed in a black cloak. Neither side was quite sure what to do about the others.  
  
The man in the blue costume whispered to his partner. "Hey, Arthur, do you know who this guy is?"  
  
"For the fifth time, Tick, no I don't!"  
  
The cloaked man's patience was finally worn away. "I am Darth Maul, Lord of the Sith!" He waved his hand in the direction of the superheroes. "You will leave!" Arthur obediently winged his way back to his apartment. As he stood his ground, Tick demonstrated a very important point: one must have a mind for a Jedi mind trick to work.  
  
"This one has a strong will... I shall enjoy killing you!" He leapt forward, lightsaber blazing.  
  
"Evil doer, know that I am the Tick! Evil is afoot, and I am Justice's shoe! Spoooooooon!"  
  
"Spoon? What in the name of the twelve rings of Klaktar is that supposed to mean?" It should be noted that Darth Maul had no idea what Klaktar was, nor why it had twelve rings. It just sounded good.  
  
"Why, it's my heroic battle cry! Spoon! Have at you!"  
  
His mind isn't as strong as I had initially believed. Intending to end the battle quickly, Maul slashed down with his double bladed lightsaber. It struck home, directly on the Tick's head. To Maul's amazement, it didn't penetrate.  
  
"He he! That tickles!" After a few moments, he casually grabbed the deadly weapon from his hands.  
  
"Impossible! A lightsaber can cut through anything!"  
  
The costumed clod was now using it to scratch his back. He gave a sigh of contentment. "Aw, thanks friend! I've had this itch all day, but I couldn't reach it!" After finishing, he handed the weapon back to the shocked Sith Lord. "Now, where were we?"  
  
Darth Maul stood in dumb amazement. _This being is indestructible! I cannot beat him!  
  
_"Actually, he prefers the term "nigh-invulnerable."  
  
Both men turned to face the source of the new voice. "Who?"  
  
There were three beings, all clad in the standard uniform of the Physics Police. The psychic who had spoken bore a striking resemblance to the X-Men's Jean Grey. In fact, she was Jean Grey, from a universe that had ceased to exist during the recent crisis. To her left was a short man in a brown robe, who was leafing through the "Grimorum Achrinorum Cliff Notes." The other was a Mon Calamari by the name of Gorth. He served as the unit's science officer.  
  
Finally, the man in the robes found the spell that he was looking for. "Here we are! Time Freeze!" Around the two semi-combatants, time froze.  
  
Sergeant Grey sighed. The short man was Wally, forced to do three hundred hours of community service for almost destroying the space-time continuum. And, of course, he was assigned to her unit. "Wally, have you been taking those Ginko-Colloba memory pills I gave you?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Well, you aren't getting any better!"  
  
"Yes I am. Yesterday, I would've looked in this book." He held up a copy of "Astrophysics For Dummies."  
  
Gorth interjected. He held a complex device roughly the size of an older Game Boy. "I've isolated Maul's home universe. Teleportation beginning... now!" A wormhole opened up beneath the Sith Lord's feet. He would return to universe SW-X98-45-M just in time to be sliced in half by Obi Wan Kenobi. SU3 unfroze the Tick, and went on to the next hotspot. Something about a Snorlax and a truckload of chocolate chip cookies.  
  
*********  
  
Of course, Phil and company weren't informed of these new developments. They had a more vital mission. Admittedly, at the moment, they had no idea what to do next.  
  
So, SU5 had acquired a couple of hotel rooms near the World Martial Arts Tournament. They figured that they should stay close to this future hot spot. Of course, the hotel had been booked solid for months in anticipation of the Tournament, but it was amazing what you could get when you claimed to be the Emperor of Japan's personal bodyguard unit. Despite the fact that they didn't look the slightest bit like a professional unit, the Physics Police had the most advanced forging devices in the known universe. Phil almost felt sorry for the poor suckers who had had their rooms taken away. Almost.  
  
Phil and Ralph were sharing one room, and the girls the other. Phil and GoChibi had both signed up to enter the competition, and the group was now engaged in the all-important activity of being bored. Since the tournament was held on a small island, with little room for building beyond various hotels, a few restaurants, and the arena, there was no place to go. At the moment, GoChibi was napping, Usagi had taken another sniff of chloroform, Ecks was wandering the area, and Ralph and Phil were locked in a game of Star Wars Podracer. Both were growing weary of the game. With Phil's Chi enhanced reflexes and Ralph's Force intuition, neither of them crashed, and victory always came by the virtue of one tenth of a second.  
  
Throwing down his controller, Ralph cursed. "I just wish something interesting would happen!" His temper tantrum behind him, he picked up the controller and the next race started. It was at this exact moment that a jagged hole in came out of thin air directly behind them. From the portal came a pair of feline creatures. One was large, over six feet tall. It was white, with purple marks on its stomach and tail. A pair of tubes connected its head and its torso. A similar, tiny pink creature was its companion. The two were locked in mortal combat, firing bolts of psychic energy.  
  
By this time, Phil and Ralph had gone back to their game. Phil looked at them with his peripheral vision. "Hey, Mewtwo, Mew! How goes it?"  
  
"Mew?"  
  
**_Huh?_** The voice wasn't spoken. Instead, the pair of Physics Policemen would have sworn that it had come from their own thoughts. Had they given a damn, that is.  
**  
_Who are you, that you know who we are?_**  
  
Phil's character boosted, and Ralph followed suit. The mage snorted. "What, I only caught you in the game about, what, a dozen times?"

The purple aura around Mewtwo flared as his anger grew. **_You DARE treat me as a game?_**  
  
"That's about the size of it. Now would you mind going back through your portal and continuing your fight elsewhere? This is a nice room, even if we aren't paying for it." Suddenly, the race ended. "Alright! I won! I won!" Ralph began doing a rather unattractive victory dance.  
  
**_I shall show you the price of ignoring me!_** A ball of psychic energy formed in it's three fingered hand.  
  
Without skipping a beat, Phil pointed his right hand at the Psychic Pokemon. "Go away! You're throwing off my game!" A small Chi bolt slammed into Mewtwo's chest, sending him flying back through the portal. "G'bye, Mew! Have a nice day!" Mew, with a rather confused look on its face, flew back into the portal.  
  
Ralph sighed. "Like I said, I wish something interesting would happen! This is so boring!"  
  
"Hey Ralph, loser closes the dimensional rift!"  
  
"You're on!" On the screen, Gasgano accelerated to match Rats Tyrell.  
  
End Part 11  
  



	12. The Tournament Begins

Part 12  
  
The Tournament Begins  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: Since many of you are fellow fanfic writers, let me make this statement: I didn't see nothin' if you didn't see nothin.' You're in this as deep as I am; maybe deeper!  
  
Location:  
Universe FC-1  
An island near Japan.  
  
There were only ten precious hours until the tournament, and SU5 meant to make the most of them. Phil's hotel room served as a conference room. Usagi hadn't been drugged for a few hours. After a few poorly executed attempts at escape, she had given up (She had learned that dental floss did not make a good escape ladder). Warren had been called in because of his special talents; i.e., women found him attractive (God knows why.) After several days of planning, Phil was hammering out the final plan. There were two objectives: a) make sure that Videl had no contact with Gohan whatsoever, and b) to ensure that his first meeting with Usagi was a pleasant one.  
  
"OK, according to file footage, Videl will enter here, at the north entrance. Warren, you will intercept her and attempt to seduce her. If she doesn't bite, then you may have to abduct her." Phil offered Warren a bottle of chloroform, but the pretty-boy refused.  
  
"No zank you. I doubt I vill be needink zat."  
  
Phil shrugged in a noncommittal manner. "As for the rest of us, there are two routes to take. First, there is the direct approach. Simply, GoChibi leads her mother up to Gohan and tells him that she is his daughter from the future. The only problem is that, based on his psychiatric profile, he is skittish and shy. So, the direct approach is out."  
  
"It worked just fine with the Sailor Senshi."  
  
"GoChibi, these were the same Senshi we fought on two different occasions because we were forced to abduct their leader. I don't really want a bunch of Super Saiyans breathing down my neck while I play cupid."  
  
"Now, here's what we do. GoChibi, you keep your mother close, and whatever you do, don't let her go boy watching."  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
"Ecks, you and Ralph will act as lookout. You keep an eye on the Z fighters at all times, and report if they do anything outside of the storyline."  
  
"Check."  
  
Ralph raised his hand. "What will you do?"  
  
"I'm going to attempt to get Gohan on his own so I can have a little chat with him. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to manage that."  
  
Ecks grinned. "I just may have a suggestion..."  
  
**********  
  
The Next Day  
  
For Videl, it was the most exciting day of her life._ Wow! After all these years in my father's shadow, I can finally make my own identity!_ I** will be the world's greatest fighter! **Suddenly, a tall Gaijin with blonde hair moved into her path.  
  
"Ah, you must be Videl. I hafe heard zo much about you. My name is Warren."  
  
His voice melted her. He's like Fabio, except less muscular and intimidating!   
  
He continued talking. "I know a nice place vhere ve kan be alone. It's a German Restaurant in downtown Tokyo, and zey zerve ze besht schnitzel you ever ate. Zen, ve go from zhere." He took her by the arm, and led her away. She didn't care that she was missing the day that she had spent her entire life preparing for, nor did she care what he was implying was extremely illegal. And so what if she had never had had schnitzel before? He was simply gorgeous. His presence completely smothered her developing feelings for Gohan. Right about then, she would have said, "Go-who?"  
  
On top of a nearby building sat Phil. He was carrying a pair of binoculars, and saw Warren and Videl walk away. "Lucky bastard."  
  
Nearby, Ralph overheard his commander. "Sir, in this case, lucky isn't the operative word."  
  
Phil paused to consider this statement, and then nodded in agreement. "Well, I'd better get going."  
  
***********  
  
"No, mom, I don't think he's cute." GoChibi was really getting sick of this. Every time anybody under thirty years with a Y chromosome walked past them, she would spend several minutes ogling them. GoChibi was spending most of her time forcibly hauling Usagi along, and was really looking forward to just meeting her dad.  
  
Suddenly, she felt a number of powerful Chi signatures within three meters of her. GoChibi forcibly shoved her mother to the ground and put a hand over her mouth.  
  
Usagi was indignant. "Ow! what'd you do that for? Waaaaah!" Of course, it sounded like, "Mmmmmph! Mmph mmm mph! Mmmmmmmmmmmmph!" Not that GoChibi noticed one way or the other. Between the legs of a nearby pedestrian, GoChibi saw the familiar and friendly face of her grandfather, Goku. It took all of her self-control not to run over and give him a hug.  
  
_It's been way too long! And there's Uncle Krillin, Uncle Vegeta, heck even Uncle Goten is there! I miss them all so much! Well, maybe not Vegeta. All of those familiar faces..._

It was painful to be so close, and yet so far. Even if she were to greet them, she would be a complete stranger. It had been the same with the Sailor Senshi, but she hadn't been away from home as long. She had spent the past two years without any contact with her families and friends; well, Phil had been there, but still! She silently waved. "Hey, Grandpa!"  
  
Piccolo's ears twitched. She covered her mouth. His Namek hearing was far superior to any human's. _D'oh! _He heard me! She attempted a mind trick.  _It was just the wind. There was no voice.  It was just the wind. _After a few moments, Piccolo rejoined the group. He brushed off the hushed voice.  
  
_Just the wind._  
  
Then, GoChibi noticed her father. The father who she hardly ever saw. She sighed. _I'll probably get to know him better in the past than I did in the future. He was always too busy ruling the world to play with me!   
_  
The group of Z fighters then encountered two people. One was a shorter man with purple skin and a white Mohawk, while the other was a tall red-faced man with long white hair. 

GoChibi studied there faces intently.  _Now where do I know those two from?_ The purple man shook Goku's hand, and GoChibi thought he identified himself as Shin.  _Oh yeah, the Supreme Kai.  _  
  
After a few moments, the Z fighters left to watch the Junior Competition. _I'd better get going!_ Phil had signed her up less for the mission's sake and more to see how she stacked up against the others. Dragging her future mother by the hand, GoChibi forded the crowd to sign up at the front desk.  
  
***********  
  
Once again, Ralph was stuck in a support role. Of course, this time he acknowledged that he was sorely outclassed in terms of raw power. He was well suited to his mission. Ecks had taken to the streets, posing as a hotdog vendor to keep an eye on things up close and personal. Ralph was long-range reconnaissance. _I wonder how the boss is gonna pull this one off?_  
  
************  
  
Phil had broken into the public address booth. Now dressed in the same orange robe as the monks, Phil spoke into the microphone. "Will the Great Saiya-Man please report to the main desk? I repeat, will the Great Saiya-Man please report to the front desk?"  
  
***********  
  
Gohan, clad in the ridiculous green costume of his superhero identity, cocked his head. "Hey, Dad, I'd better go deal with that. I'll see you later."  
  
Piccolo recognized Phil's voice immediately, but remembered his previous warning. He wouldn't mention it unless asked. 

Vegeta was cleaning out his ear with his finger. _It couldn't be that annoying insect who beat me all those years ago! I'm hearing things! Focus! You must beat Kakorot this time! _  
  
Adopting his deeper heroic tone, Gohan went up to the counter. "Is there a problem, citizen?"  
  
Phil snorted. "Drop the act, Gohan. This is a serious matter."  
  
Gohan sweatdropped. "H-how do you know my name?"  
  
"There's a lot I know, Gohan."  
  
"Don't call me that! You'll blow my secret identity!"  
  
"Whatever. It'll be revealed in a few minutes anyway. But, keep it if you like, Mr. Saiya-Man." Phil chuckled. "You'd think that after seeing the Ginyu force, you'd have learned just how stupid all that posing was."  
  
"Hey, my poses are cool!"  
  
"Didn't you see how embarrassed Piccolo was to even be associated with you?"  
  
Realizing that this stranger might have a point, Gohan decided to change subject. "Uh, what do you want to talk to me about?"  
  
Phil grabbed a small object from his belt. When he activated it, nothing happened. "What is it?" Gohan queried.  
  
"This is known as an SEP generator. Within its influence, we are "Somebody Else's Problem," so everyone will ignore us. This will guarantee privacy."  
  
"Neat!"  
  
Phil gave a bemused smirk.  "Yes, neat. Now Gohan, listen very carefully. I have brought your daughter to see you."  
  
Gohan started waving his arms in a surprised manner.  "Th-there must be some mistake! I've never..."  
  
Phil chuckled. "Yes, I'm very aware of that. You see, she's from the future."  
  
"But time travel is impossible!"  
  
"Y'know, I keep hearing that from the most unusual people. I mean, you're powers are just as, if not more so, implausible as time travel. Besides, remember Trunks? He came from the future too, but I didn't hear you whining then."  
  
Gohan blushed slightly.  "Oh, yeah."  
  
"Don't think about it too hard, you'll strain your brain. Basically, my mission is to make sure that you and your future wife meet here without any complications."  
  
"What's she like?"  
  
"You want an honest assessment?" Gohan nodded. "She's a klutz. She can't cook, is failing all of her classes in school, and is incredibly whiny. She can eat her body's weight in food, and does so on a regular basis. However, these are her bad qualities. She cares about people, is a reincarnated Princess from a long dead kingdom, and is fairly effective in important battles. When you two wed, you'll create an orderly world in which fear, war and famine are all fading memories. Also, you're daughter will be one of the most interesting people I've ever met."  
  
Gohan nodded his head, absorbing some of the information. "So, it's all predetermined?"  
  
"Nope. Otherwise, why send your daughter back? You can meet them later. You've got to make a good first impression."  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"My name is Phil, and all will be explained at the proper time."  _Hopefully never.  _  
  
Gohan seemed to accept this. "What now?"  
  
"Now, you go back before your family suspects anything. I'll keep an eye on the two of you. Now, good luck in the competition." _Of course, you'll never actually compete, but oh well._  _That's my little secret, for now.  _As Gohan left, Phil shuddered. Having to be so complimentary to Usagi was a hideous experience. _I feel so dirty!_ He brushed at his arms in a panicked manner. _The dirt won't come off! When this is over, I'm going to take a three-hour bath!  
_  
Shrugging off the ugly orange robe in favor of a muscle shirt and black slacks, Phil went to watch the Junior Competition.  He took a moment to click on a utility belt filled with his various supplies.  As he cracked his knuckles, he chuckled.  "Heh heh.  Let the fun begin."  
  
**********  
  
Ten minutes later, GoChibi, Goten and Trunks had torn through their competition. Phil nodded. _She would have beaten them just as easily a couple years ago, but she's more in control of her power now. Now it's just GoChibi verses Goten, then the winner against Trunks._  
  
The two combatants were at opposite ends of the arena. The announcer, a blond man with a moustache, yelled excitedly into his microphone. "And in this corner, all the way from Hokkaido, Ms. Reni!" Phil had decided that identifying her as GoChibi might have made the Z fighters suspicious (or just gather some unwanted attention at her unusual name), so she borrowed her name from another timeline. She was dressed in a black training gi similar to the one she usually wore, although it lacked any school insignia.  Also, her tail was disguised as a belt that wrapped around her waist.  
  
The crowd's response was silence.  The boredom in the air was almost tangible, as was the anticipation of the real event. Thus far, the Junior Division had proven a disappointment. Scenes from the fraudulent "battles" would likely appear on Sports Bloopers programs for weeks to come. "And in this corner, we have Goten! Both of these miniature fighters have easily dispatched their opponents! Let's see how they do!" Phil thought that the man had to be on some kind of illegal substance.  _That's the only way he could still be even remotely interested in this thing.  _  
  
Meanwhile, GoChibi was sizing up her uncle. He doesn't have much control yet. I can use that. Heck, I'm stronger than he is in Super Saiyan form! Of course, he doesn't know that.  
  
Goten snorted. _This girl is strong, but she's still weaker than me. This'll be easy!  _ The other Z fighters had much the same opinion.  
  
Up in the stands, Phil looked intently upon his pupil.  _Just do your best, GoChibi.  
  
OK, Phil.  
  
Phil frowned. Didn't know I was broadcasting.  
  
You weren't.  _There was a momentary pause.  _So, I see you've talked to dad. He's taking it pretty well.  
  
Get out of my head, you little eavesdropper! _Once her presence was gone, Phil went back to watching the match.  
  
One of the orange clad monks struck a gong. The announcer was beaming. "Let the match begin!"  
  
Goten leapt for his opponent. Letting go a battle cry, he attempted to punch her in the face. She cocked her head to the right, and the fist whizzed past her ear. He followed up his assault with a scissor kick, which passed through the afterimage she left. She appeared behind him and grabbed his ear. "Ow! That hurts! Unfair!" He was unable to struggle without causing himself further pain.  
  
Using her greater height to her advantage, she hauled him over to the edge of the platform. Still holding him by the ear, she effortlessly tossed him over the edge. He fell face first into the grass that surrounded the arena.  
  
"And the winner is Reni! Let's give her a round of applause!" After that short battle, there was another round of lackluster praise.  
  
Vegeta smirked. "You're son is weaker than I thought, Kakorot."  
  
Goku glared at Vegeta. "You know as well as I do that she shouldn't have been able to do that! She's obviously masking her true power."  
  
Krillin nodded. "He's right."  
  
Android 18 was focusing on the young girl. Using her bionic eyes to focus in on the girl, she noticed that something wasn't right about her. She inspected GoChibi's belt. _It's too furry to be a real belt. That's a..._ _tail?  _"Hey, I think she might be a Saiyan."

  
Everybody except for Piccolo stared in open-mouthed amazement. "Y-you're kidding!"  
  
Gohan suddenly realized something. That's my daughter down there!  
  
Vegeta shook his head. "That's impossible! There aren't any other Saiyans! Kakorot, myself and our children are the last!"  
  
"She has a tail. She did a pretty good job of disguising it as a belt."  
  
Krillin was getting worried. "What do we do, Goku?"  
  
"We wait and see. She may not be an enemy."  
  
The short man nodded.  "Riiiiiiight."  _Not with our luck.  Oh man, how many times do we have to save the world from random lunatics?_  
  
*********  
  
A few moments later, Trunks and GoChibi were arrayed at opposite ends of the field. As per his father's instructions, Trunks had transformed to Super Saiyan. GoChibi smirked. Now I'll have an actual challenge.  
  
"Let the battle begin!"  
  
This time, GoChibi took the initiative. Rushing forward, she began to launch a series of punches and kicks. Trunks blocked or dodged all of them. After several moments, Trunks began to grin. "You're strong, but no match for a Super Saiyan." Suddenly, a vague yellow aura began to surround her. The roots of her hair turned blonde, and a few strands began to stick straight up.  
  
She looked at him with pure contempt in her eyes. "Who said I wasn't one to?"  
  
Trunks was worried. She had been able to keep him on the run before transforming; now, she would be unstoppable. "Here's something Dad taught me! Galick Gun!" A purple beam of light flew towards GoChibi. It struck her head on and exploded. "Alright! Direct hit!"  
  
From the stands, Usagi cheered for her abductor. "Go GoChibi! Yeah!" She wasn't quite sure why she was applauding; it just seemed the thing to do. Maybe it was the initial stirrings of maternal pride. Probably it was because she was a hyperactive ditz. The world would never know.  
  
As the smoke cleared, it was obvious that the Chi attack had had no effect upon the female Saiyan. She raised her hand. "Here's something Phil-san taught me. Force Shove!" Trunks felt as if a gigantic, invisible hand had grabbed him. He was suddenly bouncing off the walls of the arena, leaving jagged holes in the side of each. After several moments of this, the glow surrounding his body faded. As his hair went from blonde to lavender, GoChibi let him drop onto the grass. He would be OK, but he'd have a headache for a few minutes.  
  
The overexcited announcer ran over and raised GoChibi's arm. "We have our champion!" The crowd, having become more excited during the fast paced battle, exploded in a massive round of applause. GoChibi was grinning and performing a victory dance akin to those done by football players after a touchdown. She was also singing.  
  
"I am the Champion, I am the Champion, no time for losers, `cause I am the Champion... of the world!"  
  
In the background, Hercule was extremely nervous. The terms of the Junior Competition had been as follows: winner gets a large cash reward, a champion's belt similar to that worn by Hercule, and the right to fight the current champion. However, Hercule had a very well kept secret: he wasn't really the strongest man on earth. Compared to most people, he was as strong as his namesake. However, he was nothing compared to the weakest of the Z fighters. He claimed to have single-handedly beaten Cell, despite the fact it was really Gohan who had killed the monster. Heck, he lived in constant fear of being exposed as the phony he was.  
  
Now, here was this little girl who looked to be as strong as that kid who had beaten Cell. It would be really embarrassing if he lost before the Adult Competition began. He saw no way out. Sighing in resignation, Hercule dejectedly left the safety of his dressing room.  
  
The hyperactive announcer had released GoChibi's hand. "Lets give our current Champion, Hercule, a round of applause!" The crowd consented, cheering for their hero.  
  
Adopting his public persona, he began laughing in a conceited manner. "Haha! Yeah! It's me! Let's give it up!"  
  
GoChibi glared angrily at the man. _It should be Daddy out there with his loving fans. Time to expose that fraud!  
_  
Up in the stands, Phil's eyes went wide as GoChibi flew towards Hercule. _She's going to destroy this timeline! _After a few moments of thought, Phil sat back down. _Oh, well. That guy deserves it.  
_  
Having changed back to her normal form, GoChibi pointed to her cheek. "Punch me."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Now, Mr. `Oh, I'm the greatest, I defeated Cell!' Show the people your true strength."  
  
"Now, now. I don't punch little girls!" That should get her off me.  
  
"OK, would you fight a friend of mine?"  
  
"Yeah! Bring him on!"  _He can't be as strong as this little kid…can he?_  
  
GoChibi gestured, and the microphone flew from the announcer's hand to hers. "Phil, would you come here please?"  
  
"I was born ready! I've always wanted to do something like this!" There had been the time that he'd dyed Superman's costume orange, or the time that Ash Ketchum's hat had mysteriously been replaced by a baby bonnet, but this was different! Today, I bring down a multimedia empire!  
  
Hercule was becoming ever more nervous. This guy was flying as well as the girl, and looked significantly stronger. He'd been expecting a little brother or something.  
  
"OK, Hercule, punch me!"  
  
Egotistical to the last, Hercule lashed out with his right fist. "You're mine! Ultra Super Megaton Punch!" The completely normal blow smashed into Phil's face. With the proximity of the various microphones, everybody heard the noise of bone crunching. All winced, expecting Hercule's blow to knock out the man. Then, Hercule collapsed to his feet, clutching his broken hand and crying. Grabbing him by the scruff of his robe, Phil casually threw the Champion from the ring, as one would toss away a bag of garbage.  
  
"I win. Know this Hercule: you're reign ends today. Let's go, G--- Reni." The two flew back to keep an eye on Usagi.  
  
Vegeta was staring straight down. "Phil… it is him! At last, after all of these years, vengeance shall be mine!"  
  
End Part 12  
  
Suddenly, there was an overly excited and deep voice.  
  
"Next time, on The Ballad of the Physics Police: Well, it looks like GoChibi's training has paid off! Will Phil prove equally strong?"  
  
The man was interrupted as Ralph came bursting in. "What do you think that you're doing?"  
  
"Why, as the announcer for Dragon Ball Z, I'm the best choice to narrate the story."  
  
"I think not." Ralph waved his hand. "You will return to whatever psychiatric institute you escaped from."  
  
"Yes, Master." His arms held out in a zombie-like fashion, the announcer left the room.  
  
"Thank you, and now for the author's notes."  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
With this new technique, Phil and GoChibi have about the same effective strength as a standard Z-Warrior of the Buu Saga. Thus far, all of their opponents have been either a) incredibly sleepy (Piccolo), or b) too young to effectively use their powers. With Trunks, GoChibi transformed more for psychological effect than for an actual power boost. Against a more mature and rested enemy, they will require a Chi boosting technique. `Nuff said!


	13. A Little Competition

Part 13

A Little Competition

By Bobcat

               Disclaimer:  I don't own Dragon Ball Z, Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon or Ranma ½.  Yet.  (Insert Evil Laughter Here.)

               Once again, there was a hyperactive baritone voice.  "Last time, on the Ballad of the Physics Police, GoChibi won the Junior Martial Arts Division.  Now it's time for the main event!  With Hercule still nursing his broken hand, can he even hope to maintain his ruse?  Wait and see!  Phil will be competing, as well as a few other fighters previously unseen.  And now, let the fight begin!"  The announcer, clad in a straight jacket and mounted on a wheeled gurney, turned towards Ralph.  "Thanks.  That should be fine."

               "Good.  Take him away, boys!"  Men in white suits wheeled the announcer away.

               Ecks scratched her head.  "What was that all about?"

               Ralph sighed.  "Something in his contract about announcing any episode that involves the World Martial Arts Tournament."

               "Maybe if Bobcat's more efficient, he can get it over with in one chapter."

               "Nah, that bastard's too lazy to get off his ass."  A lightning bolt struck the ground near his feet.  "Just kidding, Sir!  Go about your business!"

               Phil coughed.  "Hello?  The tournament?"

               From above came an echoing voice.  "Oh, yeah, right."  

               *                                                          *                                                          *

               Phil was surveying the competition.  Most were normal human beings, drawn from a number of universes.  However, there were a few fighters he hadn't expected.

               First up was Ryoko, a space pirate from the Tenchi Muyo universe.  _I didn't know that world had fused with this one._  She had light blue Saiyan style hair, fangs, and a tail identical to GoChibi's.  In fact, Phil made a mental note to see if she actually was a Saiyan.  She had a respectable power level.  _She can take Krillin, but anybody stronger than that's gonna mop the floor with her. _ 

Slightly to her right was a young boy in a red Chinese style shirt.  His long, black hair was tied in a tight pigtail.  He exuded an air of confidence. _Doesn't Ranma look arrogant today! Not surprising, considering that he used to be the most powerful man on his planet.  Now he's nothing, poor_ _guy.  _There were probably others, but Phil was distracted from his crowd searching by the tournament's announcer.

               "Thank you for your patience!  Now, as you may know, the pre-fight qualifying round has been changed in recent years.  Instead of a series of battles, which tended to exhaust some fighters before the real competition began, we instead have this machine.  Just punch the padded sensor, and it will measure the pressure, giving us an accurate estimate of your strength.  First up, we have Lori Arbuckle.  Will Ms. Arbuckle please report to the strength sensor?"

               Phil looked at the collection of fighters.   There were hundreds of them.  _This could take a while._

*                                                          *                                                          *                            *

               "Now, will group B please come over here?"  Checking his stub, Phil saw that he was part of group B.  The Physics Policeman was the first to arrive.  "You're name, sir?"

               "Phil."

               "Uh, last name?"

               "I didn't give you one.  Just Phil."

               "Ah, yes, Phil!  Whenever you're ready!"  Phil walked over to the large machine.  He smashed his index finger into the red button.  He rated 194.  Hercule's best left hook had rated around 120.  Everybody looked in amazement.  "I'm sorry, sir.  There seems to be some kind of problem with the machine."  

               "No, there isn't."  Phil causally lifted the multi-ton machine over his head with one hand.  "The rating stays."

               "Uh, yes sir!  Now, please put it down… gently!"

               "Very well."  Placing the machine on the ground, Phil flew away towards GoChibi's Chi signature.  Now to play matchmaker.

               *                                                          *                                                          *

               "Phil-san, aren't you going to see if you got in?"

               "No, GoChibi.  I'm pretty confident.  If my memory serves me, Goku's score will be lower than mine.  Now, we have to have Usagi actually meet Gohan before he leaves to fight Majin Buu.  Since I've prepared him for the shock, we should be able to just use the direct approach.  Come along, meatball head."

               "Waaaaah!  You're so mean!"  Usagi sat down and started pouting.  

               _Uh oh!  If she's in this bad a mood, it could color her opinion of Gohan!  Think!  _Ecks was wandering nearby in her guise as a hotdog vendor.  "Quick, GoChibi, get your mom a hotdog!"  Nodding, the young Saiyan flew away.  Phil sighed.  "Usagi, I'm sorry.  Look, we're getting you some food, and then you can meet Gohan."

               She sniffed.  "OK."  GoChibi returned, and she immediately wolfed down the hotdog.

               _Like dealing with a three year old!  Astounding!_  Leading her by the hand, Phil walked calmly through the crowd.  Occasionally the ditz would grab an item from a concession stand.  Fortunately, Phil had a large supply of Japanese yen.  

               After nearly ten minutes, Phil became worried that he would miss the opening part of the competition.  He addressed GoChibi.  "OK kid, I've got to go.  Just target your dad and use that instant transmission of yours.  I'm counting on you."

               "Wait!  Phil!  I can take you with me!"  But by then, he was out of earshot.

               Phil had considered that, but wanted the first meeting between father and daughter to occur without his influence.  _She needs to do this one on her own._

               GoChibi sighed.  She stretched out her senses and locked onto the familiar aura of her father.  Concentrating, she put her fingers to her forehead and teleported.

               When the world regained focus, she stood before the Z fighters.  

               Goku's eyes brightened in recognition.  "Hey!  It's that girl who won the Junior Division!"

               There was a resounding, "No duh, Goku!" from the others.

               The same feeling of isolation that she had repressed before took over.  "Daddy!"  She leapt forward, latching onto Gohan's middle.  

               "Ack!  Can't… breathe!  Let… go!"  She released him, and he was surprised.  "You are a strong one, aren't you?"

               Vegeta's eyebrow rose.  "Who are these girls?  And why did you call him 'Daddy?"

               She inhaled deeply.   Time for the moment of truth.  "My name is GoChibi.  I come from the future, and I'm Gohan's daughter.  They sent me back in time to make sure that they meet.  Gohan, this is Usagi, your future wife."  She shoved Usagi forward.  _Please oh please oh please don't be a flake!  For once in your life, say something intelligent!_

               "Uh, hello."

               "Hi."

               "So, uh, this daughter of ours…"

               "Yeah, isn't she something?"

               "Well, she kidnapped me."

               GoChibi slapped her forehead.  "D'oh!"  Damn you Murphy, and your law!

               "She what?"

               "Yeah, she and this guy named Phil took me here against my will.  They beat up my friends, knocked me out and put me in a bottle and Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!"  She hugged Gohan, seeking comfort.

               Gohan, remembering Phil's advice, attempted to console her.  "There, there.  It was probably necessary.  Why don't we go off and get to know each other better?  Maybe I can get you some ice cream?"  GoChibi was moving her finger across her throat in the "kill" fashion.  

               "You probably don't have enough money for that.  Besides, Phil said something about you having to be in the competition."

               "Oh.  Well, maybe you can stay with my mother?  She's somewhere around here."  He scanned the stands.  "Oh, there she is!  Now, go have fun!"

               "Thanks, Daddy!"  As she flew off holding Usagi, she thought to herself, "Well, that could have been worse!"

               Vegeta had a foolish grin on his face.  _Phil?  That weakling who beat me all those years ago is finally within my grasp!  I can crush him, and then focus my energies on Kakorot!  Oh, happy day! _ 

               Up in the stands were Chichi, Bulma, Yamcha and Krillin's daughter.  

               Yamcha saw a movement out of the corner of her eye.  "Huh?  Hey, look!  It's that girl that won the Junior Division.  I wonder what she's doing here?"

               GoChibi sighed.  "Here I go again."

*                                           *                                                          *                                           *

               After nearly an hour, the top sixteen fighters had been chosen.  As was to be expected, Ranma and Ryoko had replaced two of the weaker combatants. Kaio-Shin and Kibito  had also qualified.  The Z fighters had all gotten in, as had Phil and Hercule. Goten and Trunks were masquerading as Mighty Mask.  At the moment, Goten was on the bottom.  Phil smirked.  The two had cut a pair of eyeholes into the torso of the costume, and there were Goten's eyes for the entire world to see.  _Amazing nobody ever figured out who they were until they went Super Saiyan.  Idiots_. Phil also recognized Spopovich and Yamu, a pair of pale warriors under the control of the wizard Babadi.  _They won't last long.  _There were a few others he didn't know, but Phil decided that it wasn't important.  _Look at all the pretty targets!  I feel like a kid in a candy store!  I wonder which one is mine?_

               Each warrior drew a ball with a number written on it.  After several moments, Phil drew his ball.  "Number three."  Let's see… who's number four?  Huh.  It hasn't been drawn yet.  He pocketed the ball and stood back.  After a few moments, Shin drew number four.  _Cool!  I've always wondered how powerful he was!_

               After a few moments, Phil casually sauntered over to Shin.  The purple skinned warrior stood next to his ally Kibito.  "Hello, Supreme Kai.  Kibito.  Guess what?  I know all about that whole thing with Babadi and Majin Buu.  Ain't that just a hoot?"  

               Obviously, to have this complete stranger come up and tell them that he knew their true identities was quite a shock.  "H-how do you know all this?"

               "I have my sources.  I look forward to battling you."  The two began nervously whispering to themselves.  _That was fun!  No wonder Shin pulled that on Goku!_

               At that moment, in the stands, Chichi and Bulma had been appraised of the situation.  Bulma could sympathize.  "There, there.  It's a big shock to suddenly have a child come from the future.  It's happened to me before."

               Usagi had been crying.  She sniffed.  "Really?  Did your daughter kidnap you?"

               "Well, uh, mine was a son and no, he didn't."

               "Oh."

               Chichi, being Gohan's parent and self-appointed protector, was in mother grizzly mode.    "And just what are your intentions towards my son?"

               "Actually, I don't have any."

               "Oh."  This girl seemed nicer than that Videl girl.  Besides, here was proof that she was the right one for Gohan sitting at her right.  "So, GoChibi, you say Gohan's a king?"

               "Actually, more like an Emperor.  I think that the various world nations still exist; it's just that Mom and Dad keep things in order and act as ambassadors to alien powers. Sort of like an aristocratic United Nations.  I'm not sure, though; I was kind of young when I left."

               "Who's this Phil guy?"

               "He takes care of me.  In fact, he's more of a father to me than Dad."  _Oops!  Wrong thing to say! _ The familiar face of Grandma Chichi had loosened her tongue.

               Rage was in Chichi's eyes.  "Ignore his daughter, will he?  I'm going to have words with that son of mine!"

               "No!  Wait!  I see him!  It's just that Phil teaches me stuff.  Don't yell at him!"

               The big puppy eyes GoChibi had pulled out somehow managed to subdue her grandmother's rage.  "Oh, all right."

               Yamcha put a finger before his mouth.  "Shhhhh!  The Tournament's starting!"

               The blond announcer stepped out onto the arena.  "Greetings, folks!  Who wants to seen some action?"  The crowd cheered.  "We all do!  But first, a mystery is cleared up for us all!  We have all wondered just what happened during Hercule's heroic battle with Cell.  However, during the climax of the fight we lost transmission.  Now, a dramatic reenactment of the Battle with Cell!"

               A blimp flew over the arena.  On either side of it was a large screen.  A group of actors in bad costumes, meant to be Cell and the Z fighters, began to battle.  

               Several moments later, Phil and Ralph, although in different sections of the stadium, were both struggling to stop laughing.  "Oh, please, make it stop!  I can't take much more of this!  I can't believe those saps think its real!  Haha!"  Hercule glared at Phil, but did nothing.

               Suddenly, a yellow burst of energy slammed into the side of the blimp.  It's nose turned upwards as crewmembers parachuted away.  The announcer continued his commentary.  "Oh, the humanity!"

               A German man leapt to his feet.  "Ach!  Er ist der Hindenburg!  Laufen sie!"  (Ah!  It's the Hindenburg!  Run!")  Another bolt vaporized the burning blimp.  The audience sat in their seats, shocked by what they had just witnessed.

               Goku shook his head.  "That wasn't very nice, Vegeta!"

               "Just be glad I let the crew get out first, Kakorot."  His voice adopted a mocking tone.  "'Oh, I want to be just like Hercule' my ass!'  That will teach that pompous windbag to mess with the Prince of Saiyans!"

               Krillin spoke up.  "Uh, actually Vegeta, Gohan, Goten, Goku and that future girl are all Saiyans, but they don't listen to you, so you aren't much of a Prince.  Besides, wouldn't you technically be the _King_ of Saiyans?"

               "Shut up pipsqueak!"

               "Yes sir!"

               A few minutes later, order had been restored.  "Well, at least we get to start this event with a bang!"  There was complete silence.  Crickets could be heard in the distance, and a tumbleweed slowly blew across the ground in front of him.

               His attempt at comedy a complete bust, he continued.  "Now, for our first match we have Ryoko Masaki versus Krillin no last name given!" 

               Phil smirked and whispered to himself, "Taking Tenchi's last name, are we?  Sort of jumping the gun there."

               The two warriors took up positions on opposite sides of the field.  "Now as you all know, the rules are as follows: if you are knocked out, give up or are forced from the field, you lose.  Also, any deaths that occur disqualify the killer.  Are you ready?"  Both nodded.  "Then let the match begin!"

               Krillin cupped his hands.  "Kame…"

               Ryoko summoned her own energy bolt.  She seemed to be waiting for Krillin to launch his attack.

               "Hame…"

               "C'mon, shorty!  I don't have all day!"

               "Ha!"

               Her own bolt of energy proved woefully inadequate to stop the Kamehameha wave.  She barely flew above the attack.  She sent a few more Chi bolts Krillin's way.  The Z fighter dodged the first, but the other three struck him head on.  When the smoke cleared, Krillin was a little crispy around the edges.  

               "Ow."  Before he could respond, Ryoko had closed to range.  Still shaken up from her previous attack, Krillin was forced to stay on the defensive.  Several blows struck him in the head and torso.  

               Putting both of her hands into a final strike, she smacked him in the side of the head.  He flew from the ring.  Ryoko cheered.  "Alright!  I win!"  Krillin floated upward.  "What?  Go away, you're disqualified!"

               "Actually, I would have had to touch the ground for it to count as a ring out." His hands folded across his chest, Krillin calmly floated back into the ring.

               Now the space pirate was worried.  _How could he take that? That was my best shot!  Oh well; look's like I'll just have to be sneakier about it this time._  She fired a bolt, which he casually swatted away.  She seemed to fade away, then reappear directly behind Krillin.  She slammed her foot into the base of his spine.  Crying out in pain, Krillin collapsed to the arena floor.  "Th-that was a cheap shot."

               "Wasn't it, though?"  She disappeared and reappeared, then kicked him in the face.  If Krillin had had a nose, it would be broken.  His face contorted in agony, Krillin focused on getting out of his stupor.  

               _If only those little flashes would go away! _ Ryoko kicked him from the ring again, and this time he didn't float back up.

               "And Ryoko Masaki is the winner!  Let's give her a round of applause!"

               Elsewhere:

               Tenchi Masaki had believed that Ryoko going away for the weekend would have brought peace to the household.  Boy, was he wrong!

               Ayeka was pointing to the screen and grabbing Tenchi's head, forcing him to watch.  "See Tenchi!  See how she stole your name!  That tramp!  How dare she!  How can you love her?"

               "I don't…" Suddenly, Mihoshi jumped on top of them, crushing them both.

               "Oh, isn't this just great?  She won!"

               "Ow."  Tenchi sighed.  "Why me?"*.

*                                                          *                                                          *                            *

               "Wasn't that great, folks?"  The crowd roared in approval.  "Next, we have Phil no last name given verses Shin no last name given!"  Phil handed the announcer a sheet of paper and whispered in his ear.  "Phil informs me that he has changed his name to a symbol that has no sound.  We don't have a screen because of that random fuel tank explosion, so just imagine it as sort of like an S, with what looks to be a U next to it, then a C, then a K, then an I and a… T…  'Suck it, moron?'" There was a loud peal of laughter from the audience.  "OK, very funny, Mr. Phil.  Satisfied?"

               "Very."

               "Now, if we can please continue, let the match begin!"

                                                                                          End Part 13

               Once again, the DBZ announcer was speaking.  "Next time, on the Ballad of the Physics Police… ack!"  The man, still bound by a straight jacket, collapsed with a tranquilizer dart embedded in his neck.

               Ralph shrugged.  "It was the only way to make him shut up!"

               Author's note:

While writing this, it occurred to me that it would be one of the greatest ironies in all of Anime if Tenchi turned out to be gay.  

Please Review!


	14. Things Heat Up

Part 14

Things Heat Up

By Bobcat

Disclaimer:  I own nothing.

Note:   I use the names Shin, Kaio-shin and Supreme Kai interchangeably, depending upon what would work best for the story.  Also, obviously not everything said is verbatim with what is said in the Anime.  For those purists who care, find another Fic. 

Apologies: In my last fic, I spelled Babadi's name "Boppity."  This error will be corrected.

            The announcer's hyperactive voice began again.  "Last time, on the Ballad of the Physics Police…"  Suddenly, the ominous hum of a lightsaber could be heard.  "No!  Wait!  Arrrrrrgh!"

            Ralph had a few splats of blood on him.  "I warned him!"

            "Improved Kamehameha!"  Phil jerked his hand back, sending an invisible beam of energy towards the Supreme Kai.  The purple skinned man was unable to avoid the attack in time.  There was a sizeable explosion that carved a large chunk from the ground surrounding Kaio-shin.  Kaio-shin stood there in shock.  No damage had been done, but the blast shouldn't have been that strong.

            He isn't powerful enough to launch that kind of attack!  He's hiding something!  Phil flew in at his top speed towards the Supreme Kai. The two warriors came to blows with each other.  For a few moments they were dead even.  Kaio-shin was gradually gaining ground, and Phil was forced on the defensive.

            "Well folks, this is turning out to be an explosive match!  It looks like Shin has the upper hand!"  An uppercut from Kaio-shin sent Phil across the field.  "Oh!  This could be it!"  Phil flipped back onto his feet.  A small trickle of blood seeped from his mouth.

            "You're holding back, Supreme Kai."

            "Tell me how you know my name right now!"

            "No."

            "Don't make me destroy you!  I'm not even using half my power!"

            "And I'm using a hundredth of mine.  Isn't that interesting how it works?"

            "What?"

            "Improved Kaio-ken times ten!"  A dim red glow surrounded Phil.  The Physics Policeman punched Kaio-shin in the gut three times, and then kicked him in the face.  

            From where he watched the battle, Vegeta smirked.   "Impressive.  Still far weaker than myself, but impressive nonetheless."

            Goku's brow was furrowed in concentration.  "This isn't right."

            Krillin, having recovered from his battle with Ryoko, looked up at his friend.  "What do you mean?"

            "Even with the Kaio-ken, Shin should still be beating him.  This guy's incredibly good at masking his power level.  Also, where did he learn the Kaio-ken?  Only King Kai and I know that maneuver."

            "Yes Kakorot, you have been holding out on us for a long time."

            Goku's voice was terse.  "That isn't the important thing, Vegeta!  That guy shouldn't be this strong.  Period."

            Piccolo remained silent, not wanting to cross the Physics Police again.  

            Shin still sat in the crater he had created.  "What are you?"

            "Ally to me!  Nightmare to you!"  Kaio-shin sat in awe.  

            "How…"

            "You're using outdated techniques.  You see, it isn't a matter of how strong your Chi is.  It's what you do with it.  I've developed a technique that both increases the efficiency of my Chi and hides it at the same time.  You really don't stand a chance."        "Are you allied with Babadi?"

            "Nope.  I'm just a fellow competitor who happens to know more that he's letting on."

            Pulling a white flag from his pocket, Kaio-shin began to wave it around.  "I surrender."

            "And the match goes to Phil!  Let's give it up!"  The audience was roaring in approval.

            Those around the arena sensitive to Chi fluctuations were looking at Phil in wonder. 

            Ranma was in complete shock.  He stood there with a blank look on his face. This man's strength was greater than all of his opponents put together. And from what he'd heard, this guy wasn't using even half his power.  He was mumbling to himself.  "No way no way no way no way no…"

            Ryoko, though strong, wasn't very good at reading Chi. She knew that something had happened, but didn't really know what.

            As if nothing had really happened, Phil flew into the stands to join GoChibi.

*                                              *                                              *

            Spopovich and Yamu were impressed by the occurrences as well.  However, instead of feeling fear, they were giddy.

            The men were very similar.  Each was rather tall, with pale white skin.  The inside of their mouths were blue, and a black "M" was tattooed on their forehead.  The two were weak compared to the Z fighters, but far above average power nonetheless.  

            In Yamu's hands was a white device that resembled an older Geiger counter.  During the height of the battle, the small device had indicated that Phil possessed the "pure energy" required for their purpose.  Now that he wasn't actively battling, Phil was no longer a candidate.  

            "Yamu, we aren't strong enough to take him on.  A shame, though.  He could have provided enough energy to revive Buu."

            "Shhh.  The next battle is yours.  This "Ranma" may prove equally strong."

            "I doubt it."

            Up in the stands, the people in the adjacent seats were all cheering for Phil and attempting to get his autograph.  This was starting to wear on his nerves.  

            "For the last time, no, I don't give autographs!  Back off!"  Attempting to ignore the groupies, Phil addressed GoChibi.  "So, who's next?"

            "I think its Spopovich verses somebody named Ranma."

            "This could prove interesting."

            Several minutes later, the next contestants were in position.  "In this corner, we have Spopovich, a veteran of the Tournament!  He fights newcomer Ranma Saotome!  You all know the rules, so let the fight begin!"

            Ranma could sense that this guy was strong.  I have to end this quickly!  "Hia!"  Leaping into the air, Ranma kicked Spopovich in the face.  The giant was forced back.

            "Sweet Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire! *" Ranma's hands became blurs of motion, striking Spopovich repeatedly in the gut.  Finishing off his assault with an uppercut, Ranma leapt back before his opponent could launch a counterassault.  

            "Is that all you got?"  Spopovich began to fire Chi bolts at the pigtailed martial artist.  Barely dodging the attacks, Ranma was forced onto the defensive.

            Think, Ranma, think!  After a few moments, he got an idea.  There was a large crater about three meters ahead of him.  It was a remnant from Phil's battle.  It was about two meters deep and was conical.  Ranma made a beeline for it and dove in.  Using the Soul of Ice technique to calm himself, he began to prepare his most powerful assault.

            "Trying to hide, eh?"  Spopovich took to the air and flew over to see what Ranma was doing.  Ranma was running around the crater in a spiral shaped pattern.  "He's gone nuts.  Oh, well."

            By then, Ranma had reached the bottom and was fully charged.  "Hiryu Shouten Ha!**"  A powerful bolt of energy lanced up at Spopovich.  The man, completely unprepared for an attack of that intensity, was thrown out of the arena.  

            After a few moments, Ranma emerged from the hole.  His breathing was ragged and came in short bursts.  When Spopovich didn't return, the pigtailed warrior breathed a sigh of relief.  The announcer touched his earpiece, and then turned towards the audience.  "Spopovich has been found outside the arena.  He appears unhurt, but we can confirm that he touched the ground.  Ranma Saotome is the victor!"

            Phil began to power up.  It wasn't noticeable, but he was ready for any potential threat.  "GoChibi, it's Kibito versus Gohan, right?"

            "Think so.  Why?"

            "Things are about to heat up."

*                                                                      *                                                          *

            Spopovich was enraged.  How could I loose?  How? 

            Yamu snorted.  " I told you not to play with him."

            "Shut up!"  The enhanced strength given to him by Babadi allowed him to shake of the physical injuries, but his pride was still aching.   Kibito and Gohan were speaking on the field.  "Yamu, can you make out what they're saying?"

            "The Master didn't improve our hearing any.  They're too far away."  The pasty man turned the white sensor at the pair.  "They're both strong, but their energy isn't pure."

            "We'll simply have to wait for this "Phil" to fight again.  Or perhaps Goku and Vegeta will possess the power."

            Meanwhile, Gohan was talking to the alien. "Transform?  OK, if you insist."  Gohan's hair turned a bright yellow, and an aura of the same color surrounded his body.

            Phil chuckled.  "Look's like your Dad's IQ just dropped twenty points."  Those surrounding him stared in confusion.  "You know, dumb blondes?  Just like Usagi!  Ha!"  Again, no response. Phil sighed. "Damned cultural barriers."

            "Spopovich, his energy is pure!  Get him!"

            "Right!"  The two flew forward.  Before the Saiyan could respond, Yamu had him in a full Nelson.  Spopovich took a large syringe with the same M that adorned his forehead and jabbed it into Gohan's body.  The boy screamed in pain.

            In the waiting area, Kaio-shin was struggling to hold back a raging Goku.  "Stop!  This is how it needs to be!"

            In the stands, Phil was surrounded by a red aura.  He had GoChibi by the tail.  "Stop!  It's for the good of the timeline!  Your Dad's going to be fine!"  Phil's grip slipped, and the young hellion flew off to her father's aid.  

            Having drained the boy of his energy, the pair of minions flew off to return to their master.  The announcer called after them, "You're both disqualified!"  And nobody cared.

            Spopovich and Yamu found their exit blocked by GoChibi.  "You hurt my dad."

            "Get out of the way, girly!  You're out of your league!"

            "You're right, but not in the way you think.  Special Beam Cannon!"  She had learned Piccolo's attack in the future, but hadn't attempted to apply Phil's conservative techniques to the move.  Two beams, one straight, one curving around the first, flew out from her fingers and incinerated Yamu where he stood.  Spopovich was preparing his own assault when Phil stood between the vengeful GoChibi and the pasty warrior.

            "Run, Spopovich.  Run away, and never return.  May you enjoy the fruits of your labors."  Still holding the energy collection device in his hands, he flew back to his master's space ship.

            "And as for you, young lady, I told you not to interfere.  Just for that, you don't get to come with me to fight the evil wizard and the demonic ruler of a parallel world."

            "What?  That's not fair!"

            "You know the rules: no disrupting the timeline.  Now go back there and keep an eye on your mother!  And don't try that pouty face on me!  I invented that face!  March!"  With a grimace on her face, GoChibi flew back to the stands.  

            Phil pulled a book from his pocket.  It read "Dragon Ball Comic Collection # 16". He flipped a few pages. "Now, let's see here… ah, now Kibito heals Gohan with his magical powers, and they all fly off in pursuit of Spopovich."  He turned another page and saw a picture of himself reading the comic.  He looked up, and the picture in the next panel did the same.  "Spooky.  Looks like the comic changes to reflect reality."  He studied his likeness more closely.  "Hey!  My eyes aren't that big!  Slop Artist!"  

            By then, the Z fighters were flying off.  "Better follow them.  No way of telling what they'll run into.  Unless…"  He flipped ahead a few pages.  "I don't remember those two. Looks like they're a couple of Babadi's servants. And it looks like I'm there. That settles it. Improved Kaio-ken!"  The dim red glow surrounded his body and he flew off after the various warriors.

            The announcer stammered.  "I-it looks as if most of the competitors have left!  The contest will be thrown into complete disarray!"  Of course, everybody was still ignoring him, scrambling for what they perceived as safety.

            Goku felt the new presence behind them.  "Phil?"  The Physics Policeman finally caught up with them.  

            "Hey, Vegeta!  Remember me?"

            Vegeta scowled.  "Puny human.  I'll crush you later, but we'll wait for this purple pipsqueak to tell us what's going on."

            "That was almost poetic, Vegeta.  Try not to strain yourself.  Besides, I can tell you what happened."  Kaio-shin decided to hold his tongue to see how accurate this human's sources were.

            "Y'see, a while back Kaio-shin and Kibito here fought with a powerful wizard by the name of Bibidi.  Bibidi had created a horrendously powerful monster by the name of Majin Buu.  He doesn't look like much, but this guy is more powerful than any of us.  I don't know the details, but they managed to defeat Majin Buu and kill Bibidi.  However, they were unable to destroy Buu, so they locked him in some sort of stasis and buried him deep underground.  I don't see why; you should have just chucked him in the nearest black hole or something."

            Kibito glared at Kaio-shin.  "That's what I said!"

            "The process left Buu without any energy, so he is unable to escape.  A few hundred years passed.   Now Bibidi's son, Babadi, has gotten the idea into his head to avenge his father by reawakening Majin Buu.  Wait a sec… Bippity, Boppity, Buu… Disney's Cinderella!  Now I get it!"  There was no response, except for several puzzled looks.  Phil coughed into his hand.  "Anyways, what Shin here doesn't know is that Babadi has managed to enslave several powerful beings, including Dabura, the King of a dark Earth in a parallel universe.  Sorta like hell, but not quite."

            "What?  He never did that!"

            Kibito was frightened.  "If he's right, then what?"

            Kaio-shin felt helpless.  "I… wasn't prepared to fight a being of this power.  We're doomed."

            "You just aren't very good at reading power levels, aren't you?  Heck, Gohan here could probably take that weakling, and he's sorely out of practice.  We just have to be careful, seeing as how Dabura has a bunch of nasty little attacks.  He breathes fire and can turn you into stone with his spit, so watch it."

            As they flew onward, Kaio-shin pondered the meanings of this new development.  Dabura's here.  This changes everything. How does this human know so much?

            Spopovich was still flying away as quickly as he could.  He still had a death grip on the container of pure energy.  "The Master will reward me!  Yes, and protect me!"

            Several Minutes Later:

            "I'm telling you, we should attack them now!"

            "No, Phil, Dabura is too strong for any of us."

            "Not true.  And Kaio-shin, while we sit here they're just getting that energy to Buu.  Things have shifted beyond your control, and you can't deny it."  Instead of one underling meeting Spopovich, there were two that Phil didn't recognize.

            By now, Babadi and Dabura had left their ship.  The former was a tiny yellow alien.  He was about two feet tall, with froglike eyes and very little hair.  He didn't look like much, but his magic skills made him a force to reckon with.  The latter was nearly four times as tall as Babadi.  Dabura looked like Satan himself, with red skin, long demonic ears, the stereotypical "devil mustache," and an air of evil that surrounded him.  The black M marking his forehead indicated that he was under Babadi's sway.

            Babadi looked at the device in Spopovich's hands.  "Give me that energy!"  The underling complied.  "Yes, well done.  This will be an excellent start.  Now, I will no longer be needing you.  Goodbye, Fool!"  Cackling madly, Babadi gestured at Spopovich, and an aura of energy surrounded him.  Crying out in pain, the pasty warrior collapsed.  Before he exploded in a ball of energy, Spopovich wondered if this was what Phil had meant by the fruits of his labors.

            Goku and the others stood in silent shock.  "How could he do that to his own ally?"

            "Goku, Babadi is a force of pure evil.  That is why he must be stopped."

            "No duh, Shin.  Why aren't we attacking?"

            "Phil, you're sarcasm doesn't help anybody.  We never asked you to come along!"

            "And you can't get rid of me, either."

            Babadi's eyes scanned the rocky outcrop that the warriors were hiding behind.  "My, my.  It seems that we have some eavesdroppers.  Dabura, deal with them.  Don't kill the stronger ones; if we can lure them in, we can harvest their energy.  You two, come with me."

            "Yes sir!"  

            The demon lord flew towards the assembled Z fighters.  Before any of them could respond, he was upon them.

            "Kibito!  It's been a long time.  Sorry, but I'll have to kill you.  Nothing personal; strictly business reasons.  Goodbye."  He fired a massive Chi bolt that fried the healer where he stood.  He seemed to study each of them.  "Four of you are worthy, but you three are too weak to continue."  He spat, sending a glob of green saliva at Krillin.  It struck the short warrior in the chest.

            "It hurts!  What's happening to me?" He looked at his hand, which was now a dark gray.  The gray spread down his body, converting the carbon based life form into a statue.  The same attack subdued Piccolo.  

            When Dabura attempted to spit on Phil, the Physics Policeman vanished from sight, and then reappeared behind the demon King.  The double fisted blow caught Dabura in the back of the head.  The inertia caused him to fly into the rocks at their feet.  He quickly recovered and flew back to the ship. That one is stronger than he looks.   "Catch me if you can!"

            Phil and the remaining Z fighters flew in hot pursuit.  Kaio-shin attempted to stop them. "Wait!  Don't go in there!"  Phil spun about.

            "These conflicting instructions are really starting to get on my nerves, Supreme Kai.  Make up your mind.  Either we play it safe and run, or we stop the evil wizard from destroying the world with some ancient monster.  I choose the latter."

            Vegeta grinned at Kaio-shin.  "I hate to agree with him, but he's right.  I say we charge head on!"

            The four warriors flew into the hatch.  Kaio-shin stood for a moment.  "These beings will destroy themselves!  Hey!  Wait for me!"  With a dejected look on his face, Kaio-shin followed them.

            They happened up on a door with the same M that adorned everything owned by Babadi.  "I think somebody is a little possessive.  Marking everything, and keeping everything he owns white and sterile?  I'd say he's an obsessive compulsive."  The hatch opened, and the quintet of fighters began to float down through the earth.  The soil had been removed to form a large cylinder, and there was a light at the other end.  When they arrived in the circular white room, the two warriors who had appeared before stood.  

            "Greetings.  I am Galka-Jo, and this is my sister, Nelka-Jo."  They looked like normal humans in every detail. One was male, the other female. Each was dressed in form fitting spandex, and ridiculous cape and had black hair. Like all of the others under Babadi's control, they sported a black M in the center of their forehead. They radiated an air of confidence and evil.   "There are…"

            Phil interjected.  "…three levels of this ship.  We are on level one, and each is guarded by increasingly powerful warriors.  However, you probably think that we shouldn't worry about them, seeing as how you think that we are showing our full potential.  Phil smirked.  "Am I right?"

            "How did you know that?"

            "I have my sources.  Now, the only thing I don't know is how come you guys are human?"

            "We aren't humans, you primitive fool!  We are Kryptonians, the last of a proud race!  Your yellow sun gives us…"

            "Powers beyond mortal men.  Faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, blah blah blah. Plus whatever upgrades Boppity gave you. Can we just fight already?"

            Nelka-Jo addressed her brother.  "Galka-Jo, I wish to fight that one.  He needs to be taken down a few notches."

            "Only if I win this little match."  Phil and the Z fighters began to play "rock, paper, scissors."  

            Kaio-shin looked in awe at the warriors.  "What the hell do you think your doing?"

            "It wouldn't be fair if we all fought them.  Have to have some challenge."

            "Vegeta, you can't possibly win alone!  These two are amongst the most powerful warriors in the galaxy!  We need to attack together!"  That was when he realized that he was being completely ignored.

            Phil beamed at Gohan.  "Ha!  Paper covers rock!"

            "Dang!"  Vegeta was having similar luck with Goku.

            "You're strong, Kakorot, but you always lead with paper.  Predictable."

            Phil and Vegeta took up fighting stances.  "Last one to beat their opponent buys the drinks."

            "You're on, human!"

            Galka-Jo rushed forward at the Saiyan Prince.  His punch was blocked by Vegeta's arm.  The kick that followed an instant later passed through Vegeta's afterimage.  Galka-Jo also disappeared, and then reappeared in midair.  "Where is that cocky little…"  His question was interrupted as Vegeta placed his fist into the Kryptonian's back.  Galka-Jo smashed face first into the bulkhead.

            Meanwhile, Nelka-Jo was assaulting Phil with a blindingly fast series of kicks and punches.  The Physics Policeman avoided them all with ease.  "Stay still, damn you!"  

            "If you insist."  Phil came to a halt, and all of her blows began landing on his gut.  After several moments, Nelka-Jo realized that she wasn't making any headway.  Also, her hands were beginning to hurt.  She attempted to use her heat vision.  The twin beams of light burned through Phil's shirt, but stopped once they reached his skin.  "That feels kind of nice, actually.  Is it my turn yet?"  He faded away, and then rematerialized behind the confused Kryptonian.  Phil punched her in the back of the head, sending her to the floor.

            Phil lifted her up by the cape.  "You know, these things are a real liability in battle."

            "Wh-who are you?  How did you become so powerful?"

            "I wouldn't expect anybody dumb enough to be controlled by that midget to understand."  He kneed her in the gut, and then used the Force to shove her up against the wall.

            In the lower levels of the ship, Babadi was looking into his crystal ball.  He was becoming very concerned.  Today had been such a good day; he had discovered that Spopovich and Yamu had successfully gathered more than half the energy he had needed, and those fools had led even more powerful beings to his doorstep.  Now, however, victory seemed less certain. The energy lost by Phil and Vegeta should have been going directly to Majin Buu, but they hadn't weakened in the slightest.  "Those weaklings are beating up on poor Galka-Jo and Nelka-Jo!  What should I do, Dabura?"

            "Master, why not give them the home field advantage?  Transform the room they are in into a replica of their home world of Krypton."

            "A brilliant idea!  Papparapar!"

            Back on level one, the air around the fighters began to swirl, and all the world was obscured in a cloud of dust.  When the spell ended, Phil and Vegeta found themselves floating above a strange forest.  All of the foliage was a bright red.

            "What the hell?"

            Nelka-Jo grinned.  "This is the famed Scarlet Jungle of Krypton.   We know this place well; my brother and I played here as children.  You don't stand a chance."

            Phil smirked.  "Idiots."

            "What?"

            "Fact: you get your powers from the rays of our yellow sun.  Pop quiz: what color is that sun?"  Far above their heads was a replica of the red giant that Krypton had once orbited.  

            Galka-Jo gasped.  He could feel his strength waning already.

            At this point, Babadi realized his error.  "Oops."

            "Shall we, Vegeta?"

            Vegeta fired a Chi bolt at Galka-Jo, reducing the warrior to his component atoms.  Phil had grabbed Nelka-Jo by the cape and began swinging her around.  He threw her into jungle floor, and then sent a beam similar to Vegeta's into the unfortunate minion.  Her scream of agony filled the room.  After the Kryptonians were dead, the room resumed its previous state.

            Phil cursed.  "Dang!  Too slow."  

            "You've become much stronger, Phil.  I think you would almost give me a good warm-up."

            "Vegeta, that is as close as I've ever heard you come to a compliment.  Now, how about we try the next level?"

            Kaio-shin sat there in shock.  "Y-you got very lucky back there!  The next warrior will not be so easily defeated!  We'll need to fight together!"

            Phil smirked as he entered the next tube.  "We shall see."

            Now, Babadi was using his scepter to bash Dabura on the head.  "You idiot!  That was the worst idea ever!"

            The demon ignored his master's weak assault.  "This Phil is impressive.  If he could be turned, he would be a powerful ally."

            "Yes!  A brilliant idea!  Glad I thought of it!" Dabura smacked his forehead. In the back of Babadi's mind, there was a voice.  The wizard recognized it as Phil's.

            "Thanks for the assist.  Now, I'm turning on my manna scrambler.  It'll take any other attempts at remodeling and turn the energy into a form you can't control.  The resulting explosion will destroy the ship.  We'll survive, but somehow I don't think that you will.  Talk to you later!"  Of course, Babadi could still do anything that didn't have a physical manifestation, but Phil wasn't about to mention that."

            Babadi shuddered.  "Who is this being?"

                                                                        End Part 14

                        Author's notes:  Galka-Jo and Nelka-Jo are my creations.  I decided to make four guardians so that Phil would have somebody to fight.  

            Footnotes:

* One of Ranma's techniques, which allows him to move his hands at very high speed.  The technique gets its name from the fact that you become fast enough to grab a hot chestnut from an open fire without burning yourself, and the usual method of learning the technique is to start a fire and continually grab hot nuts until a) you burn your hands into carbon stumps, or b) develop the necessary speed.  

**  This attack requires one to a) calm oneself completely (Soul of Ice), then b) move in a spiral.  This is one of Ranma's most powerful attacks.  I've heard that he developed a version that didn't require moving in a spiral, but I can neither confirm nor deny it.  Please don't correct me in this matter; I truly don't give a care.            


	15. Majin Phil?

Part 15

Majin Phil?

By Bobcat

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ, Tenchi Muyo or Ranma 1/2.  However, the Physics Police are mine, ya hear?  Mine mine mine mine mine!  

            Phil, Goku, Gohan, Vegeta and Kaio-shin had all arrived at the next level.  Waiting for them was a large green alien. It was over ten feet tall, and was rather hideous. It had scaly skin, back canted legs, long blades extending from each arm and shorter blades on his feet.  He resembled a cross between a human, a frog and a Velociraptor.

            Phil grinned.  "Oh, hello Yakon.  I would like to play, but it's Goku's turn."  

            The gigantic creature ignored the fact that this complete stranger knew his name.  "Is that so?  Hmmpph.  I'll be fighting the rest of you soon enough, once I deal with this weakling."

            Kaio-shin looked pleadingly at Goku.  "Goku, you won't win if you fight him alone!  We have to attack as one!"

            Phil snorted disdainfully.  "Ignore that little idiot.  You can probably beat him without transforming, but we're running short on time." 

            The blissfully ignorant fighter looked sadly at Kaio-shin.  "Sorry, Supreme Kai, but Phil's been right so far."  

            With a flash and a loud bang, Goku flew at the reptilian warrior.  Goku's punch went through the afterimage of the gigantic beast.  Goku then had to move quickly to avoid being sliced in half by the thing's arm mounted blades.  It sliced through his orange shirt.  "Woah!  That was close!"

            "I'll be getting a lot closer!"  The thing began to attack again.  Goku used his instant transmission to teleport next to Phil.  He then teleported behind the creature, bashing it in the back of the head.  The thing flew several feet, smashing head first into the wall.  Goku was rubbing his hand.

            "Ouch!  His skin is tougher than it looks!"  The familiar yellow aura of the Super Saiyan surrounded Goku.  "Now to turn up the heat!"

            In the lower levels of the ship, Babadi was holding a device similar to that used by Yamu.  "Poor Yakon doesn't stand a chance!  This being has nearly 3,000 energy units, and Yakon only has 800!  They're much stronger than they look!"

            Dabura looked with disdain at the crystal ball.  "Still far weaker than I, master.  Don't worry; they will not pass."

            Babadi breathed a sigh of relief.  The King of the Dark World had a point; he was much stronger than Goku.  What worried the wizard was the sound of Phil's maniacal laughter in the back of his mind.

            Back on level two, Phil was chuckling.  Gohan looked at the strange man.  Just an hour ago, he had been all business.  Now, he seemed to be treating this battle as a game.  The young Saiyan queried, "What's so funny?"

            "Oh, I was just using the Force to read Babadi's thoughts, and Dabura thinks he's stronger than Goku."

            "But he is!"

            "Supreme Kai, there is something about these Saiyans you haven't grasped: they don't wear their power levels on their sleeves.  Unlike you, they only use their maximum potential when absolutely necessary."

            "I demand to know who you are, and how you know so much!"

            "Fine, I'll tell you already.  My name is Phil, and I am an agent of an organization known as the Physics Police.  Our mission is to keep the universe from plunging into Chaos.  Recently, your dimension merged with several of its neighbors, so my team was sent here to stabilize the timeline.  I did that, by introducing Gohan to his future wife."

            "So, why are you still here?"

            "Basically, when a mission is complete, I have the equivalent of "shore leave."  I'm just having a little fun."

            "W-What?   YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU THINK FIGHTING THE MOST POWERFUL MONSTER EVER IS FUN???!!!"

            "Well, all of the casinos on the island were full.  Besides, I have a feeling that you'll need me."  He casually hid the comic book he'd been reading behind his back.

            Meanwhile, Yakon was having a can of whoop-ass opened up on him.  Goku kicked him in the gut, sending the alien flying.  He spat up some blue blood.  "That light makes you powerful.  Where I come from light is a delicacy.  Koshoku!"  Using his technique, Yakon began to inhale deeply.  The lights in the room began to flicker, and Goku's yellow aura was sucked away.  "Yum!  That was the best light I've ever eaten.

            Goku stood there, a look of surprise plastered on his face.  Kaio-shin cupped his hands and yelled at the Saiyan.  "Goku!  Don't transform again!  He'll only eat your light!"  Goku thought about it.  The yellow aura surrounded him again.

            "Oh boy!  Even more light!"  He began to eat, and Goku added more energy to his aura.  For a few moments, Yakon began to expand.  Finally, the energies put out by Goku proved too much for the gluttonous monster to withstand, and he exploded.  Goku's aura faded away.

            Phil walked up to Goku and slapped him on the shoulder.  "Thanks, Goku.  You saved me some paperwork."

            "Huh?"

            "You see, your aura was semi-solid, so he technically could absorb that.  However, he couldn't inhale the ambient light in the room.  A clear violation of the laws of physics.  Speaking of which, I'm going to make sure that you all get your licenses after this."  Vegeta quickly took his out of his pocket.

            "See?  I have mine!  You can't do anything!"  It was indeed a super hero license.

            Phil's eyebrow rose.  "Uh, Vegeta, where did you get that?"

            "After our little… disagreement, I encountered another of your officers.  He was kind enough to tell me how I could procure one of these."

            "Rats!  Always spoiling my fun!  Thanks a lot, Vegeta!"  With this, the warriors went into the next hatch.

************

            The departure of over half of the competitors was still causing difficulties.  For one, there were an odd number of fighters remaining.  For another, Ralph and Ecks had occupied the arena.  After a few moments of chaos, Ralph had gotten bored, so he had gone to the center of the field.  Then, he had dropped a metal cylinder roughly the size of a Pepsi Can onto the ground.  The item had sprouted a tripod to stabilize itself, and then had projected a gigantic hologram.  What looked to be a chess set now occupied most of the arena.  Oddly enough, the people enjoyed it more than they had the martial arts tournament.

            Ecks had chosen to have her pieces represented as mystical creatures, while Ralph had selected Gundams.  "Heavy-Arms to A-5."  The humanoid war machine flew forward, and landed on a Minotaur, splattering holographic gore.  

            The Sailor Senshi wannabe considered for a moment.  "Hydra to A-5."  The multi-headed beast ran ahead and began to bite away large sections of armor plate from the Gundam.  The robot disappeared an instant later.  "A pawn for a pawn.  Not a bad trade."

            "It left you wide open.  Wing Zero to B-8."  The winged machine shifted to fighter mode, and then flew over next to a Cyclops.  Pulling out its beam sword, the Gundam sliced the one eyed monster in half.  "Check, and mate."  The crowd went wild.

            Ecks scratched her forehead in confusion.  "I had no idea chess was this popular!"

            Ralph was writing in a tally book.  "So, now you've agreed to buy me all of my meals for a week, owe me three thousand yen, and wash my robes for a month.  Care to play again?"

            "Double or nothing?"

            "I wouldn't have it any other way."  The pieces reformed themselves.  "Heavy Arms to B-4."

            The announcer for the World Martial Arts Tournament was considering his options.  He could a) attempt to get the players to stop in favor of the scheduled event.  However, the most powerful warriors had left, so it wouldn't be as interesting.  Also, he could b) begin to announce the game.  The audience was responding more positively to this chess match then they had the Martial Arts Tournament.  After all, the violence brought about by Cell, Lex Luthor and other super villains made the Tournament almost sickening, a reminder of the daily horrors of megolomaniacal scientists and demonic creatures that killed thousands.  The fact that ticket sales had gone down over the past few years reflected this.  

            Being a smart man, the announcer went with option B.  "And the contestant in the robe moves his pawn forward!  The contestant in the school uniform considers, then moves her pawn to C-3!  Isn't this exiting, folks?"  The crowd cheared in a agreement.  

            In the waiting room, the remaining fighters sat.  Ranma, Ryoko, Android 18 and "Mighty Mask" were glued to a television.  Hercule looked with disgust.  

            "They can't do this to me!"

            Android 18 told him to shush.  "This is interesting!  Go away, loser."  There was a chorus of agreement from the other fighters.  

            Hercule ran onto the field.  "Stop this!  I'm your champion, and we have a Martial Arts tournament to fight!"

            "Griffin to G-4."

            "Huh?  Ahhh!"  He ducked as a digital monster flew over his head.  "What's going on?"

            The announcer shrugged.  "I'm sorry Hercule, but the people have spoken."

            "Ingrates!  I saved you from Cell!  Don't you get it?  I'm the hero!  Me!"

            Ralph gestured.  "You will donate all of your worldly possessions to charity and leave us alone."

            The weak-minded martial arts champion complied.  "Yes!  Goodbye!"  He ran off to pawn away everything he owned.

            Ecks furrowed her brows.  "Chimera to G-6.  That wasn't very nice, Ralph."

            "Sand Rock to H-2.  He deserved it.  Think about it; everything he owns was made with based on the work of others."

            "Griffin to H-3.  I guess you have a point."

            "Ares Mobile Suit to C-6.  Check, and mate."

            "Damn it!"

***********

            Phil and the Z fighters had been waiting for nearly half an hour.  Phil was reading his comic book, and it looked like everything was on course.  

            Vegeta was becoming annoyed.  "What's taking them so long?"

            "Well, Dabura's meditating to heighten his "Dark Energies."  Gohan, I'd watch it if I were you.  He's about as strong as Perfect Cell."

            "And I beat Perfect Cell!"

            "With a bit of help.  You're just a little out of practice, so don't expect an easy victory."

            It was at this point that the door opened.  Dabura stepped out, a grin of pure contempt etched on his features.  "You shall come no further."

            Kaio-shin adopted a fighting stance.  "We're ready."

            Gohan glared at the short man.  "Hey!  It's my turn to fight!"

            Dabura was surprised.  "You wish to fight me alone?  Foolish boy."

            Phil drew his lightsaber.  After igniting it, he flew directly at the demon, who ducked under what he saw as an attack.  Gohan protested.  "Hey!  He's mine!"

            Phil didn't actually strike Dabura.  He simply put himself between Dabura and the exit.  "Just think of me as a goalie, with a stick that can cut through anything. I'm just here to make sure that he doesn't make a run for it. Go on, kid.  Show us what you got." 

            Gohan and Dabura began to exchange blows.  They were evenly matched for a few moments, with neither combatant landing a punch.  The Dabura floated back.  "Hoono!"  A burst of flame escaped his lips, shrouding the young Saiyan in fire.  When it cleared, Gohan was covering his face.  He appeared to be unhurt, but the ridiculous Saiya-Man costume had been burned away, revealing the flame resistant black leotard beneath.  

Gohan raised his hands over his head.  "Masenko!"  He sent the yellow beam of energy at the dark King.  It threw him back into through the wall.  For a few moments, he didn't emerge.  "That was too easy."

In an explosion of metal, Dabura flew from beneath Gohan and caught him in the cheek with a right hook.  This sent the Saiyan through the ceiling, into level two.

Kaio-shin looked pleadingly at the Z fighters.  "We have to help him!  He doesn't stand a chance alone!"  A yellow glow escaped from the hole, and Dabura crashed down through the ceiling.  

"Ka…me…ham…e…HA!"  The blast of blue energy flew down after Dabura, incinerating more of the floor.  It passed through the ship, burrowing hundreds of feet into the earth.

Phil grinned.  "It looks like Gohan just made us a route to Babadi.  Let's go."  He jumped down, closely followed by Goku and Vegeta.  

Once again, Kaio-shin felt helpless.  "Every step of the way, this Phil has gone against my wishes.  Yet, every time, he has been right."  He looked over at the two warriors.  Gohan's aura was a bright yellow, with electric blue flashes occasionally running through it.  The level Two Super Saiyan was fighting hand to hand with Dabura, with neither gaining any ground.  "But, Gohan will need my help.  How could they leave their own ally to perish?"

Phil was running through the lower levels of Babadi's ship, randomly slicing control panels with his lightsaber.  As he ran the yellow blade through the gravity control, Phil slowed slightly as the gravity on the ship was multiplied by ten.  The yellow minion who had been moving to intercept the Physics Policeman fell to the ground as he was crushed by his own weight.

"Phil, do you have any idea where we're going?"

"Why, yes I do, Vegeta.  I can feel Babadi.  He's straight thataway."  He pointed to a wall.  "Improved Kamehameha!"  His hand glowed blue as the laser bolt blasted away the wall, revealing the wizard on the other end.  Babadi lay there, struggling to breathe.  

"This…can't be happening!"

"Why, yes it can.  And it is."

"I can…(Pant) feel the evil…(Gasp) in your hearts, Phil and Vegeta!  Papparapar!"  The two warriors collapsed as the spell went to work, chipping away the mental barriers that held back their darker emotions.  Vegeta transformed to Super Saiyan, clutching his head.  Phil knew that he was letting Babadi gain control, but didn't say anything.

Phil could hear Babadi's voice in his mind.  "Give in, human!  Think of the power I can give you!"

"And let myself be ruled by you?"  Phil thought about it for a fraction of a second.  "OK, sure!"  Phil straightened up, and there was a dark black M etched in the center of his forehead.  Goku could sense that his power had risen considerably.  

Vegeta had also given in, with similar results.  

_I don't stand a chance against both of them at once.  _With a look of concern on his face, Goku readied himself for the battle to come.  _But I have to try!_

End Part 15


	16. Clash of the Titans

Part 16

Clash of the Titans

By Bobcat

Disclaimer:  I didn't do nothing,' ya hear?

Author's Note: As of Part 15, this story has shifted well outside the original Majin Buu saga.  So, one can no longer use the DBZ anime to predict the next event.  Just a warning.

               Goku was confused and worried.  Phil and Vegeta each had a black M in the center of their forehead, indicating that they were under Babadi's control.  What concerned the Saiyan was that the power boost Vegeta had received had placed him at a higher level than Goku.  Also, this Phil had become more powerful; not enough to be a threat to Goku, but he had long ago given up attempting to read Phil's power level.  He didn't understand how Babadi's magic worked, but he thought that he might be able to reach them.

               "Vegeta!  Don't do this!  Think of Bulma!  Think of your Trunks!"

               Babadi was chortling evilly.  The increased gravity still had him lying prone, but things were looking up (figuratively, if not literally).  _With these two under my control, I may not even need Majin Buu!_  "Fool!  They are mine now!  Phil, Vegeta, destroy him!"

               Phil shook his head.  "Why would I want to hurt Goku?  He's a nice guy!"

               "What?  You can't resist me!  Nothing can break my power!"

               Phil chuckled.  "There are two powers greater than yours.  First, there is the Force, a field of energy that unites all living and nonliving things.  But, even greater than that, is my ego."  Phil pocketed his lightsaber and floated over to Goku.  "Oh, and thanks for the power-up!"

               The wizard was fuming.  "Vegeta, kill them!  Now!"

               Vegeta smirked.  "With pleasure."

               It was at this moment that Kaio-shin burst in.  He had felt Babadi's magic at work, and was distressed to see that both Phil and Vegeta sported the M.  "I'm too late!"  The Supreme Kai saw the wizard.  "But it isn't too late to destroy you once and for all!"  He shot a Chi bolt at Babadi, but Vegeta moved to intercept the attack.

               Phil pulled a small device from his pocket, flipped a switch, and then returned the object.  "I just turned off my manna scrambler.  Babadi, I know your type.  You're too cowardly to risk yourself, so if you want to see a fight, I'd suggest you teleport us elsewhere."

               "You've played right into my hands!  Papparapar!"  As the warriors disappeared, Babadi heard the voice of Phil in his mind saying, "Who has played into whose hands?" With a swirl of dust and energy, Vegeta, Goku, Phil and Kaio-shin were all nearly ten miles away.  They were in an isolated badlands.  There was little plant growth, and large mesas dotted the landscape.

               Vegeta recognized the place immediately.  "Kakorot, this is where we fought our last battle.  How fitting."

               "So it is."

               Kaio-shin had assumed a fighting stance and faced Phil.  "Goku, I shall take this traitor.  You fight Vegeta!"

               Phil snorted disdainfully.  "Relax, I'm not under Babadi's power."

               "Huh?  But your forehead…"

               "Oh, that?  Just ignore it.  I did it for the power boost.  I'm too thickheaded for him to control.  I'm on your side."

               "Oh."

               "Now look, Gohan is going to need your help.  Fly back to Babadi's ship and be ready for Majin Buu to be reawakened."

"What?  We've got to stop them!  As they lose energy in battle, more power goes to Majin Buu!"

"That's like trying to stop a hurricane.  Look, when these two go at it, there's gonna be a huge influx of energy.  The faster you move, the better the odds that you can stop Babadi.  Without his influence, Buu might not be as destructive.  Got it?"

               Unused to taking commands, Kaio-shin almost disagreed.  However, he saw the wisdom in Phil's words.  "Very well.  I hope you survive."  He flew off.

               "The same to you."  Phil addressed Vegeta.  "Vegeta, don't do this!  I can feel the good in you!"

               Goku looked at Phil with a confused expression on his face.  "Really?  All I'm getting is evil."

               "Actually, it's more like apathy, but in this case it's the same thing."

               "Enough talk!"  Vegeta flew towards Phil at top speed.  Phil managed to dodge the assault by leaping out of the way.  

               Phil weighed his options.  _OK, the Reality Checker won't help; he'll still be stronger than me, and that Saiyan model armor gives him an even greater advantage.  Fortunately, he attacked first, or I wouldn't be able to fight him legally.  _"Looks like I'll have to do this the old fashioned way.  Improved Kaio-ken times one hundred!"  A dim red glow surrounded his body.  "Let's do this."

               Miles away, GoChibi cocked her head.  She felt several things simultaneously; the familiar aura of her Godfather increasing dramatically, and a dark presence around both him and Vegeta.  A few moments later, both Goku and Vegeta had advanced to Super Saiyan level two.  Also, she could feel an alien signature.  It was asleep, but rapidly gaining power.  "Dad needs me."

               Chichi looked down at her granddaughter.  "What?"

               GoChibi seemed shocked.  "Can't you feel it?"  Android 18, who had joined them, also noticed.  Yamcha looked up from the chess game.  "Three massive powers just flared, and another is rapidly gaining energy.  I need to go."

               Yamcha pointed at Usagi.  "What about her?"

               "Uh, would you mind watching Mom for a bit?  I really need to go."  _No child ever expects to say that._

               Chichi looked down at GoChibi.  "You can't go!  No granddaughter of mine is going off to war!  I messed up enough with my own children!"

               "Sorry, Grandma.  I have to help Phil and Dad."  She homed in on Gohan's Chi, and teleported away.

               Gohan and Dabura were still locked in mortal combat.  After several minutes of direct confrontation, each had realized that they weren't going to win the battle by conventional means.  The ship had several large holes in the hull, and the four levels that had previously existed had been transformed into one gigantic super level.  The Super Saiyan and the demon now stalked each other on the bottom level, each attempting to ambush the other.  Gohan shuffled silently along a wall, stretching out his senses.  He has to be around here somewhere.  Suddenly, Dabura crashed through the wall, sending a wall of flame at the young Saiyan.  After a few moments, Gohan leapt through the fire.

               "When will you learn?  Fire doesn't hurt me!"  Gohan kicked him in the solar plexus.  However, Gohan realized that letting him fly off into the darkness wouldn't be a good idea, since Dabura could just launch another surprise assault.  Rushing forward, Gohan used the Renzoku Energy Dan to fire a barrage of Chi bolts after the stunned demon.  A massive explosion followed, knocking Gohan from his feet.  He flew through one wall, and found himself embedded in another.  "Ow."

               It was at this moment that GoChibi materialized next to her father.  "Hey, Dad!"

               "What… oh, it's you.  What is it?"

               "You're going to need my help."  The roots of her hair turned blond, and she was encased in a yellow aura.  

               "What is that, an incomplete Super Saiyan transformation?"

               "Nope.  It's a more efficient version."

               "I see.  Why don't you think I can handle this myself?"

               "Actually, I think Dabura's dead; you just blasted him into the backup fusion reactor.  We're safe at this distance, but the radiation has probably killed him by now."

               "Not quite, little girl!"  He flew towards the fighters, a look of rage in his eyes.  He now glowed a sick green color, and his black hair was falling out.  Red skin was beginning to flake away, and most of his costume was burnt away (for modesty's sake, the equivalent of a loincloth remained.)

               "Together!  Ka…"

               Gohan caught on.  "Me…"

               "Ha…"

               "Me…"

               "HA!"  Twin beams of blue energy flew out, incinerating Dabura where he stood.  The blast continued onward, completely gutting the ship.  Nobody would ever figure out why this battle hadn't awakened Majin Buu.

               "Now, let's go deal with Babadi!"

               "Right behind you, Dad!"

               Phil was trading blows with Vegeta.  The Kaio-ken times one hundred gave him roughly three quarters of the Saiyan's strength.  Phil could keep up with him, but Vegeta was gaining ground.  Fortunately, Goku had also entered the fray.  The two had Vegeta on the run.

               Phil landed a nasty uppercut against Vegeta, sending him flying into a nearby mesa.  As the centuries old formation crumbled, Phil began to feel an odd tightness around his chest, but ignored it.  "Improved Kamehameha!"  The laser beam flew down, causing a massive explosion.  Hundreds of miles away in Tokyo, a minor earthquake shook the city.  At ground zero, a massive shockwave threw the warriors back.  

               Phil landed badly on his right arm, creating hairline fractures across the bones.  There was also an odd numbness, but Phil decided that he had more important worries.  For example, Vegeta had recovered from the assault and was fighting with Goku.  It appeared as if Vegeta hadn't suffered any damage as a result of the attack.

               "I have to end this fast. I've never attempted this level before, but I have no choice. Improved Kaio-ken times two hundred!"  The dull red glow was replaced by an explosive aura similar to that of a standard Kaio-ken.  The tightness became almost unbearable, but he continued.  Flying at nearly mach five, Phil slammed into Vegeta.  His left hook sent the Saiyan Prince flying.  Taking advantage of his increased speed, Phil intercepted Vegeta before he reached the ground.  Phil began to punch Vegeta with both arms, ignoring the pain that was spreading throughout his body.

               Goku was shocked.  "H-how can anybody get the Kaio-ken up to that level?  His body should have vaporized!"

               Finally, the heart attack caught up with the Physics Policeman.  The red aura collapsed, as did Phil.  Vegeta slowly regained his senses.  He sat up and then coughed up a trickle of blood, followed by a tooth.  "Impressive.  You are indeed a worthy adversary."  Vegeta saw that Phil was lying there with a look of pure agony on his face.  "However, it would appear that your own strength has killed you.  How ironic."  Vegeta lowered his gloved hand at Phil, and was knocked back as Goku kicked him in the face.  

               Standing over his fallen comrade, Goku looked down at him.  "Are you all right?"

               "Pushed… myself too hard.  I think I'm… having a heart attack.  In my right pocket there is a bag of… senzu beans.  Quickly!  There isn't much time!"  Goku flipped Phil over roughly.  "Ow."  Taking a senzu bean, he placed it in Phil's mouth.  He crunched the magical fruit, and he felt a wave of comfort as his damaged cellular tissue repaired itself.  Phil sat upright, and ate another.  "How idiotic!  I can't believe I did that!"

               "Don't worry.  I think I'll take it from here.  You go and rest."

               "I don't think I could summon another Kaio-ken, but I still have my uses."  He pulled a small device from his pocket.  It resembled a remote control.

               "What's that?"

               "Audit gun.  Get me in close, and I'll show you what it can do."

               A few moments later, Vegeta flipped to his feet to find that Phil was waiting for him.  "What do you think your doing?  That Reality Checker of yours won't save you this time!"

               "Oh?  Well, I'll have you know that this isn't a Reality Checker."  He pointed the device at Vegeta, and pressed the button on the top of it.  The equivalent of a laser pen sent a beam of light across Vegeta's face.  "What are you trying to do, blind me?"  Suddenly, a man appeared from nowhere.  "Who are you?"

               "My name is John, and I'm with the IRS.  Who called for the audit?"

               "I did.  I'm Phil and I'm with the Physics Police."  Phil showed him his license.

               "Alright.  Unfortunately, I must inform you that we cannot audit Mr. Vegeta."

               "What?"

               "You see, in order to be audited, one must have a taxable income.  However, Vegeta here is a lazy bum who lives off of his girlfriend and her father.  Have a nice day."  A wormhole opened behind the agent, and he walked towards it.

               "Hold on a second."  Phil pulled a silver dollar from his pocket.  "Vegeta, I'll give you this money if you convert some oxygen into carbon dioxide for me."

               "Huh?"

               "Good enough.  Here's your pay."  He flipped the coin at Vegeta.  The Saiyan caught it.

               John's face brightened.  "Now, let's see… failure to sign form 124-68493-109384-109238 involving menial labor.  You'll be coming with me."

               "Never!"  Vegeta fired a bolt of energy at the IRS agent.  It seemed to blast him into tiny bits.  An instant later, John's various body parts turned a metallic gray color, converted into liquid, then moved into a puddle at the Saiyan's feet.  The man reformed from the metal and glared at Vegeta.

               "Do you have any idea how much that stings?"

               "Impossible!  Die, human!"  Another bolt flew out, with the same results.

               Phil grinned.  "You're just going to make him mad."

               John unclipped a small communicator from his belt.  "This is agent 904398-098.  I'll be needing a SWAT* team."

               A tinny voice responded, "Roger."

A portal opened behind Vegeta.  A pair of men stepped out.  They were clothed in business suits, and the green flicker of Reality Checker fields surrounded them. Each suit was adorned with the letters IRS. "Surrender, Vegeta."

               "No!"  He fired a pair of energy bolts at the men, but they dissipated upon contact with the green energy.  Moving quickly, they used their rocket packs to bring Vegeta within the Reality Checkers' fields.  Grabbing him roughly, they hauled him back into the portal.  John followed them.

               Goku had a look of pure terror on his face.  "H-how!?  Vegeta was the strongest being on the planet!"

               "Goku, what you fail to realize is that the IRS is the single most powerful force in the universe."

               "Oh."

               "Now, let's go stop Babadi."

               "Right!"

                                                                                          End Part 16

               Next Time: The awakening of Majin Buu?  Wait and see!

               *SWAT: Special Warrants And Technicalities.  Basically, a lawyer assault squad.


	17. To Buu, or not to Buu?

Part 17  
  
To Buu, or not to Buu  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: Fine, I don't own DBZ or Sailor Moon, but Star Wars was my idea!  
  
This is my first chapter as a DBZ fic! Hopefully this will result in more reviews.  
  
Author's note: some of you may be wondering what's going on with Videl and Warren. Well, here's the answer:  
  
In a motel somewhere in downtown Tokyo...  
  
Surgeon General's Warning: Because the next scene has been shown to cause madness and suicidal tendencies in clinical studies, it has been cut from the Fanfic. Sorry for the inconvenience.  
  
As Dabura was vaporized by the combined attack by Gohan and GoChibi, Krillin and Piccolo were released from their rocky prison. Krillin shuddered. It had been the most horrible experience of his entire life. He'd been dead before; heck, he'd been wished back twice. Death wasn't as bad as this. When Dabura's saliva had transformed into stone, he had simply ceased being. It was like a horrible, dreamless sleep. He couldn't recall anything that had happened in the hour following his encounter with Dabura.  
  
"Piccolo, where is everybody?"  
  
"I think I sense them over there. Vegeta and Goku are at maximum power about fifteen kilometers that way, and I think that Phil's with them. Wait a sec... Vegeta just vanished!"  
  
"How?"  
  
"How should I know? The others are in that ship." Piccolo flew towards the structure.  
  
"Wait! We aren't strong enough to handle that Dabura character! We'll get turned into stone again!"  
  
"I can't sense him. Besides, this kind of spell only ends when the caster dies."  
  
"Oh." Piccolo once again flew towards the massive crater. I don't remember that. There must've been some battle! "Hey! Wait for me!" The half-sized fighter blasted off in pursuit of the Namek.  
  
Meanwhile, in the depths of the shattered spacecraft, Gohan, GoChibi and Kaio-shin were racing towards Babadi. Shin was berating himself. Every step of the way, I've miscalculated! I can only pray that we're not too late. An insane laughter filled the air. That's Babadi!  
  
The destruction of most of the ship's structure had shut off the artificial gravity systems. When the trio of warriors burst in, Babadi was giggling and pointing at the massive pod that held Majin Buu. "You're too late! Buu has more than enough energy! That traitorous Phil gathered more power than I could have ever asked for! When Buu is released, you'll all die!"  
  
Kaio-shin glared at Babadi. The venom in his eyes gave even the triumphant wizard pause. "That may be, but you won't live to see it!" As Kaio-shin summoned a Chi bolt, Babadi realized his error; he'd run out of minions, and it would require several minutes for Buu to be reborn. As the Supreme Kai let fly with his attack, Babadi cast a desperate spell.  
  
"Papparapar!" The Chi blast was lost amidst the swirling energy and dust. They found themselves about a kilometer from where they had started. The tiny wizard then had an idea. "GoChibi, I can feel the hate in your heart! Resentment towards your father for never being there. Release your anger! Papparapar!"  
  
The spell had no effect. She coldly responded, "There is no emotion, there is peace."  
  
"Stupid child!"  
  
"There is no ignorance; there is knowledge."  
  
"You cannot deny your anger! I can feel it! It is incredibly powerful!"  
  
"There is no passion; there is serenity."  
  
"If you don't join me; you will die with the others!"  
"There is no death; there is the Force*." She ignited her blue bladed lightsaber and leveled it at Babadi.  
  
This child is incredible; nobody has ever been able to completely ignore my spell  
  
like that! Well, besides Phil. The other one mentioned this "Force" as well. I'll have to look into it.  
  
Shin snapped at GoChibi. "We don't have time for this! Our only hope is to destroy Majin Buu before he wakes up! Together!" A trio of powerful beams flew out towards the pod. A bright flash filled the air, and everybody was flung away by the blast.  
  
Miles away at the World Chess tournament:  
  
Ralph paused his game. Once again, he had Ecks on the run. He concentrated on the odd sensation he was getting. "Ecks, we have to go."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force; as if several morons cried out at once, and were silenced."  
  
"But you have to finish the game!"  
  
"Oh, alright. Death Scythe to G-7. Checkmate." The Gundam moved into position, and Ecks found herself trapped again.  
  
"Damn! How do you always win?"  
  
"The Force can be a powerful ally. It was child's play to read your mind."  
  
"Wait! That's cheating!"  
  
"Where in the chess rulebook say that it's against the rules to read minds?"  
  
"Uh, nowhere, I guess..."  
  
"I rest my case. Now c'mon, Phil needs us." Manipulating a bit of manna, Ralph and Ecks flew off towards the ensuing battle.  
  
A few minutes later, back at the Battle:  
  
Somehow, the massive pod was still intact. However, the quartet of combatants was still stunned by the blast. Gohan and GoChibi had reverted to their normal states. The future Moon Princess rubbed her aching head. "Ow."  
  
Gohan, Kaio-shin and Babadi agreed. The tiny wizard noticed that Buu had lost some energy to the strike, and he would have to be replenished. Blast it! Another delay! He summoned a small collection device and ran towards Gohan. Those idiots Spopovich and Yamu were able to gather his energy; how hard could it be? He received his answer when Gohan booted him into the capsule. He hit his head, and lay there for a few moments. It's harder than it looks!  
  
GoChibi leapt to her feet. "Evil wizard! You shall not be allowed to continue your senseless acts of violence! I am GoChibi, Princess of the Moon, and in the name of the Future Moon, I shall punish you!" She winced. "Did I just say what I thought I said?" D'oh! I'm becoming like Mom! She shuddered violently at the thought.  
  
Babadi had recovered, and had decided to take an alternate route. Taking an extension cord, he summoned a car battery and plugged it into a port in the back of the pod. Energy is energy, even if it isn't pure. "Buu shall destroy you... yipe!" He narrowly avoided a red lightsaber blade that sliced through the power cord. "What the..."  
  
"I am Ralph. I'm with the Physics Police. May I see your Wizardry license?"  
  
"My what?"  
  
"I love it when they say that."  
  
It was at this moment that Phil and Goku arrived. Phil noticed that Ralph was present. "Did I miss anything?"  
  
"Nope. I just cut through Majin Buu's power cord, and I was planning to play some Monkey in the Middle. Interested?"  
  
"Sure!" The two began to through the cord back and forth while Babadi leapt as high as his tiny legs would allow.  
  
"Hey! Not fair!"  
  
Struck by inspiration, Ralph pulled a black rag from his pocket, used his lightsaber to cut two holes in it, and then put it on his face. He then took the cord and ran about ten feet. He threw it into the ground and yelled, "Touchdown!"  
  
Phil caught on and put on his own mask.  
  
Babadi looked up at the Physics Policemen with a look of utter confusion on his face. "What?"  
  
Ralph picked up the cord and tossed it to Phil. Phil flew in a corkscrew pattern up to the top of a mesa and gently laid it on the ground. "Touchdown!"  
  
"What the hell are you doing?"  
  
Ralph grinned. "Well, Babadi, it's obvious that you've never played "Calvinball" before."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's a funny little game with only one rule: it can never be played the same way twice." Ralph grabbed a pogo stick from his infinitely large pockets. "New rule! The last person to make a touchdown has to yell a silly phrase!"  
  
Phil proceeded to say, "Alowally! Rim pham!"  
  
Babadi protested. "You said there was only one rule!"  
  
"New rule: people named Ralph always win!"  
  
Babadi caught on. "New rule: people named Babadi are exempt from that rule!"  
  
"Sorry, rule number five: villains aren't allowed to make rules."  
  
"Drat!"  
  
Of course, Ecks, Gohan, Goku and Kaio-shin couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. GoChibi donned her own mask and proceeded to tackle Babadi.  
  
"Tag! You have to speak backwards until you touch the invisible pole!"  
  
"What invisible pole?"  
  
"You have to say it backwards!"  
  
"Elop elbisivni tahw? (What invisible pole?)"  
  
"There is no invisible pole! You'll have to talk backwards forever!" In the style of Nelson Mutz, she said, "Ha ha!"  
  
"Ti nmad! (Damn it!)" The tiny sorcerer took off in pursuit of the pogo sticking Jedi. "EREH CKAB EMOC!"  
  
By this time, Krillin and Piccolo had returned. Kaio-shin was shocked. "They treat this like a game... and not even a game with any rules!" Gohan was ripping off part of his black sleeve. "And just what do you think you're doing?"  
  
"I'm making myself a mask! It looks like fun!" He flew off. "Hey guys, wait for me!"  
  
"Oh boy! A new game!" Goku flew off after his son. There are three rules that remain constant in all DBZ realities: Saiyans can eat twice their bodyweight in food, Vegeta is the most arrogant SOB in the known universe, and Goku loves to play games.  
  
"Unbelievable!"  
  
Ecks snorted. "You should see them when they're drunk. Why'd I have to get paired up with those two?"  
  
After ten minutes of this, the good guys were getting bored. "Hey Babadi, come on! Hurry up."  
  
The tiny wizard collapsed. "I... I can't go any further!"  
  
"Backwards!"  
  
"Rehtruf yna og t'nac I... I! (I...I can't go any further.)"  
  
Ralph sighed. He dangled the power cord within Babadi's reach. "Want this?" He quickly pulled it up when Babadi grabbed for it. "Ha! Too slow!"  
  
Gohan interjected. "You lose!"  
  
"Tahw? (What?)"  
  
"New rule: loser buys the winners lunch!"  
  
Goku was confused. "How do you know that we've won?"  
  
Ralph said, "Rule number three: Ralph always wins!"  
  
Babadi cursed (albeit mildly). "Darn!"  
  
GoChibi protested. "Backwards! You haven't touched the invisible pole yet!"  
  
"If you've won, then the game is over!"  
  
"He has a point there, GoChibi."  
  
"Shut up Phil!"  
  
"Now it's my turn! Papparapar!" There was a swirl of dust, and they found themselves in front of a Radio Shack.  
  
"What are we doing here?" GoChibi inquired.  
  
"I'm doing what I should have done in the first place; getting myself a new power cord!"  
  
As the wizard stomped into the store, Ralph whispered to Gohan, "I just don't have the heart to tell him that I was about to let him have it."  
  
A few moments later, Babadi exited the Radio Shack, carrying a bag with an item identical to the one in Ralph's hand. "Hah! Papparapar!" A few moments later, they found themselves back in the mesa. Babadi plugged the cord into the battery and laughed maniacally. "Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Now there's nothing you can do to stop..." Ralph sliced through the new cord. "Me." The wizard began to cry. "Why? All I ever wanted to do was inflict death and chaos upon an unsuspecting world! Is that so wrong?"  
  
Everybody simultaneously replied, "Yes!"  
  
Ralph walked over and patted Babadi on the shoulder. "There, there. Don't cry. Tell you what; I'll make it up to you. Here you go; a shiny new cord!"  
  
"Do you promise not to cut through this one?  
  
"Yes."  
  
He plugged Buu back in. After a few moments, the energy indicator read full again. "Fools! Now you are all doomed!" Gohan fired an energy ball at the pod. "No! Not agaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn!" There was another bright flash, and when the dust cleared, the capsule was gone. "No! You killed Buu!"  
  
Kaio-shin shook Gohan's hand energetically. "Good job! Now we can deal with this monster!"  
  
Gohan was confused. "Wait a sec. My attack wasn't strong enough to kill Majin Buu!"  
  
Goku was shocked. "What? Then where is he?"  
  
Kaio-shin shook his head. "No, he is dead! I can't feel him anymore." He didn't notice the pink cloud forming over his head. Moving under its own power, it floated down to earth. After a few moments, it began to collect into a physical form. The creature had bright pink skin, and bore a striking resemblance to the Marshmallow monster from Ghost Busters. It wore an odd costume; a simple vest that displayed its ample belly, and white pants that could only be described as "poofy."  
  
Phil turned to him. "Shin, do you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?"  
  
The warriors not associated with the Physics Police were afraid. "Such horrible power." Kaio-shin glared at Ralph. "You fool! Do you know what you've done!?"  
  
"Yup. I just made things a lot more interesting."  
  
The pink creature began to fly in a loop de loop. "Weeeeeee!"  
  
The Saiyans present transformed. Phil assumed a fighting stance, as did Piccolo and Kaio-shin. Phil's expression was completely serious. Gone was the happy-go-lucky man who had been playing Calvinball a moment before. "Krillin, Ralph, Ecks. Leave now; if you stay, you'll die."  
  
"Aye, sir." Ralph and Ecks flew away.  
  
Krillin agreed. "He-he's too powerful! I'm sorry, Goku." With a dejected look on his face, the tiny warrior flew after the Physics Police officers.  
  
GoChibi looked at Phil. "Why aren't you using the Kaio-ken?"  
  
"I've been using that attack too hard for too long. I got off lucky with a heart attack last time; it could kill me if I use it again. But, you need my help, so here I am." Phil addressed the remaining fighters. "We need to attack together. He's at least twice as powerful as any one of us, but we might stand a chance if we move as a unit. On my mark..." Kaio-shin decided to defer to his wisdom again. He waited for Majin Buu to reach the top of his circle. "Mark." At breathtaking speeds, the Z fighters flew towards Majin Buu.  
  
End Part 17  
  
Bill Watterson, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes, also created Calvinball.  
  
* For those who don't realize it, she's quoting the Jedi Code. 


	18. Buu Kicks Butt

Part 18  
  
Buu kicks Butt  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: Hello all! Once again, I am forced to admit that I do this in the name of art, and cannot legally receive monetary compensation. Why? Because I didn't invent many of the characters featured. Please don't sue!  
  
Buu was happy. For over three hundred years, he'd been trapped in that tiny pod. He hadn't been able to move, nor talk. It had been incredibly boring. As he finished another loop, he gave a cry of joy. I love flying. And when he got bored with this, he could go and kill those nice people over there. I love killing. It was at this moment that the combined might of Goku, Gohan, GoChibi, Phil, Piccolo and Kaio-shin came crashing down on him.  
  
Goku and Gohan were attacking together, coming to blows with Majin Buu. A flurry of punches and kicks were launched against the pink creature. Their fists left imprints in the creature's skin, but Majin Buu didn't even seem to notice. It casually swatted them aside. The Saiyans hit the ground and didn't move.  
  
"Daddy!" GoChibi raced in, lightsaber blazing. The glowing blue blade began to slice at the monster. She left several burning gashes along Buu's arms and legs, but it didn't seem to worry the creature at all. She then stabbed it straight through the soft skin of its chest. "Hah! I'll gut you like a fish!" She brought the blade down, only to find that Buu had already moved back, so she sliced through nothing. The hole she had created healed over within seconds. "Ah crap." Buu's gloved fist smashed into her face, sending her flying.  
  
The remaining warriors were launching ranged attacks. The various Chi bolts flew into Majin Buu, but had no visible effect. Phil curled his fingers into the shape of guns. "Improved Kamehameha rapid-fire mode!" He jerked his hands around at blinding speed, sending a barrage of invisible laser bolts at the creature. When they came into contact with Buu, there was a massive explosion. Piccolo, Phil and Kaio-shin managed to maintain their position. When the smoke cleared, Majin Buu looked no worse for wear. "Damn!"  
  
Babadi had a look of pure glee upon his face. He was happily dancing, and he waved his staff at the warriors. "Fools! None of you are strong enough to give Majin Buu a good warm-up! You shall all perish, along with this world! Ha ha!"  
  
Phil blew a trace of smoke from his hands. "Guys, I'm too weak to help you against Buu. However, if I can keep Babadi busy, we just might have a chance." He disappeared from sight, and then reappeared before Babadi. "Hello. Want to play some more Calvinball?"  
  
"I refuse to ever participate in that moronic game ever again! Now die!" He fired a bolt of energy at Phil. Phil faded away and rematerialized behind Babadi. When Babadi looked at his arm, there was a stamp that read, "Reject!" on his limb. "You mock me again?"  
  
"No, technically, to mock you again, I would have had to have stopped mocking you in the first place." Another bolt flew out towards the Policeman, he faded away again, and another stamp appeared on his arm. "Now son-in-law, how do you expect to get the Phoenix Pill without mastering the Sweet Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire technique?"  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?" He attempted to kill Phil again. This time two stamps appeared.  
  
"Now that... is a secret." Good old Ranma ; very good for confusing my opponents.  
  
Far above their heads, Goku was launching another attack on Buu. I'm just not strong enough to hurt him! He managed to send the pink creature flying with a roundhouse kick, but Goku knew that he would be back soon enough. I'd like to use my full potential, but I could kill my allies just as easily as Buu! "Ka...me...ha...me...ha!" A powerful blast of energy that would have destroyed a planet was knocked aside by Buu.  
  
"Weeeee! This is fun!" He sent his own Chi bolt. The blast fried the air as it flew. It smashed into Goku, consuming the dead Saiyan in a massive explosion. His unconscious form drifted from the smoke. He landed softly atop a mesa and didn't move.  
  
"Dad!"  
  
"Grandpa!"  
  
The remaining Saiyans sent their own combined attack at Majin Buu. The assault that had vaporized Dabura was knocked aside by the pink monster's gloved hand. It traveled straight up out of the atmosphere. Buu giggled. "I love catch! Here you go!" He sent a pair of blasts just as powerful as his attack on Goku. Gohan managed to avoid the strike, but the girl from the future took the attack head on. Her fall wasn't nearly as controlled as Goku's had been; she flew downwards at over 100 feet per second. Piccolo managed to catch her.  
  
The Namek looked at the little girl. "She's at least twice as powerful as me! If she couldn't stand up to Buu... we're all doomed." From where Goku had fallen, there was suddenly a massive increase of power. "NO WAY! That attack should have killed him!" He thought about what he'd said. "Oh yeah, he was already dead." The Saiyan flew upwards to face Buu once again.  
  
Buu snorted disdainfully. "You're getting boring. I want a challenge!"  
  
"Be careful what you wish for." Goku began to focus. I'd hoped I could defeat him without this power, but it's proven impossible. "Everybody, stay back!" Yelling in a primal scream of fury, the Super Saiyan disappeared in a flash of light. Even Majin Buu was forced to look away. When it became bearable to look, Goku had changed. His hair now extended beyond his legs, and his eyebrows had disappeared. He radiated a massive power.  
  
Phil looked up from his efforts to annoy Babadi. "Wait a second. Goku wasn't supposed to transform to Super Saiyan level three yet!" He checked his comic book. There was indeed a picture of Goku at level three facing Buu above the badlands. "Oops. I may have changed reality more than I'd thought." According to the chaos theory, a butterfly flapping its wings in China can cause a hurricane in Florida. Phil was the equivalent of Mothra. He flipped the page. "Better see what happens next... continued in Dragon Ball collection number 17!? D'oh!" He easily withstood several attacks from Babadi. Phil knocked him back with a Force Push. "Back off! Can't you see I'm busy?"  
  
Majin Buu didn't seem to notice Goku's sudden rise in power. The Saiyan rushed in, and Buu's first indication that something was wrong was when the punches started hurting. "Hey! That hurts! Bully!" He sent a Chi bolt at Goku. This time, he simply grabbed the energy attack and threw it back at Buu. The pink creature went flying.  
  
Gohan was shocked. "A level... beyond Super Saiyan level two?"  
  
Goku's face contorted in agony. "Something's... wrong..." The yellow aura collapsed, and his extra hair disappeared. Completely drained, he fell down to earth. This isn't right! I was able to maintain that state for hours in the other world!  
  
Phil flew to catch Goku. "Everybody! We're leaving! Now!"  
  
Kaio-shin looked at Phil. Goku was the strongest one here, and even he couldn't stand up to Buu! "We can't! If we let Buu run free, then the world is doomed!"  
  
"They won't destroy the planet just yet. Besides, we aren't any good to the world dead! Well, except for you, Goku." They beat a hasty retreat.  
  
Piccolo flew alongside Phil. "Where are we going?"  
  
Phil spoke into his wristwatch. "This is Phil. Need transport for six." A wormhole opened up. "Goku and GoChibi need medical attention, and the Physics Police HQ has some of the best facilities in the known universe." The warriors flew in, and the swirling vortex of red and white closed.  
  
Babadi came to, and saw that Buu was floating there. "Very good, my loyal servant! You destroyed them all!"  
  
Buu was pouting. "I didn't get to kill anybody. They ran. Always ruining my fun!"  
  
"Don't worry, Majin Buu. You shall have another chance. Now, let's go have some fun!" The wizard climbed onto Buu's back.  
  
"OK!" Babadi had difficulty maintaining his grip as Majin Buu flew off at breakneck speeds.  
  
* * *  
  
About 15 minutes later:  
  
Goku and GoChibi were in Bacta tanks. They were suspended in a gelatinous concoction that sped up cell regeneration. Gohan looked worriedly at the pair. "How are they, Doc?"  
  
An older man looked down at his clipboard. "Well, they aren't in very good shape. For one thing, the man's body temperature is way below what it should be, and I'm not getting a pulse. If I didn't know better, I'd say this "Goku" fellow was dead."  
  
"He is."  
  
"O...K then. Otherwise, he's suffering from exhaustion and multiple wounds, ranging in severity from a scrape to a broken rib. His recuperative abilities are pretty impressive, so he should be fine after about two day's immersion. Now, as for the girl, my sensors report that she's drawing upon some manna and Force to repair herself. That's pretty impressive, considering that she's unconscious. She should be good as new in about a day. Now, the rest of you are free to go, but I wouldn't suggest any overly strenuous activities."  
  
When the Z fighters left the medical ward, Phil was waiting for them. "Now, while you were visiting, I got you each a learners permit. It'll be good for a year, but I still think it would be best if you came in to get your permanent licenses after we've cleaned up this mess."  
  
Kaio-shin looked up at Phil in shock. "B-but I am the Supreme Kai! The guardian of the northern Galaxy! The ruler of a quarter of the universe!"  
  
"Now that's just super. However, in the eyes of the Physics Police, there isn't any difference between you and Majin Buu. Justice is blind, pal; everybody has to get their super hero license."  
  
"Very well. Gohan, come with me."  
  
Phil decided to pry. "And just where are you going?"  
  
"If you must know..."  
  
"I must! I must!"  
  
"I'm going to teach Gohan my mystical power up. It will provide him with a greater power boost than any Super Saiyan transformation below this "level three" we witnessed today."  
  
Phil paused. The doctor had informed him that he could never use the Kaio-ken again without killing himself. Now, the Supreme Kai was offering him power greater than his Kaio-ken times two hundred. "I'd be glad to come with you."  
  
"You weren't invited!"  
  
"Oh, why not?"  
  
"You've been insulting me all day, and have gone against me at every turn!"  
  
"You're point being?"  
  
"You aren't coming!"  
  
"Now we do this the hard way." Phil waved his hand at the Supreme Kai. "You'd be glad to have me along."  
  
"I'd be glad to have you along."  
  
"It's settled then."  
  
Chief O'Connor had been monitoring the situation. Phil's been stepping outside of his jurisdiction lately, and using tactics I don't approve of. Time to nip this in the bud. He spoke into the loudspeaker. "Phil, this is O'Connor. Report to my office. Now!" He had considered saying "yesterday," but when a group has access to time travel equipment, more people tend to take that turn of phrase literally.  
  
"I gotta go, but I'll be back in a minute."  
  
"OK." As Phil darted off, Kaio-shin wondered what had possessed him to let the Police Officer come along.  
  
"Uh, you wanted to see me, Chief?"  
  
"Yes, I did. Sit down." Phil complied. "Now Phil, I can't say that you've been neglecting your duties. The way you pulled off your last assignment was brilliant. It's your constant vigilante justice that's been irritating me!"  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"For example, you didn't have the authority to do anything to Kerrigan but send her home. What did you do? You fought her and almost killed her!"  
  
"Almost."  
  
O'Connor ignored Phil for an instant and brought out a file. "You "arrested" her for genocide and genetic manipulation without a license. Correct?"  
  
"My recollection is fuzzy."  
  
"According to Physics Police law, that isn't illegal! Those things are a matter for the courts of the home dimension of the individual! Also, you couldn't arrest her for leaving dimensional boundaries without a license because she didn't do it on purpose! You were supposed to just send her and her brood back to home!"  
  
"Sir, she was a force of pure evil. I made her home universe a better place to live."  
  
"True, but you shouldn't have interfered!"  
  
"Sir, my uncle Ben taught me a long time ago that with great power comes even greater responsibility."  
  
"You don't have an uncle Ben!"  
  
"Well, not anymore. He was killed because I didn't stop a criminal. I thought myself too important for such menial tasks. I came home, and aunt May told me the sad news. I hunted him down, and realized that he was the one I had let by. On that day, I vowed to fight evil in all of its forms as the Amazing/Spectacular Spiderman!"  
  
"Phil, you have to stop confusing your life history with those of comic book characters. You aren't going to distract me."  
  
"Darn!"  
  
"Now, more recently, there was that incident where you got yourself involved with the battle against Majin Buu. Tell me, just how was that within our jurisdiction?"  
  
"Sir, I believe that I was on shore leave. Also, neither my team nor I ever instigated an attack against Babadi or his minions. It was always self-defense."  
  
"But that didn't give you the right to kill Nelka-Jo!"  
  
"But I have a license to kill!"  
  
"No, you have a 006 and 1/2, a license to seriously maim."  
  
"But she was attacking with lethal force!"  
  
"For a normal person, yes, that was lethal force. For you, she might as well have been whacking you with a feather!"  
  
"Is there a point to this, Chief?"  
  
"Yes! I don't want you to get involved in anything like this unless I tell you so!" It was at this moment that a tiny time hole appeared over O'Connor's desk. After a few moments, a small document entered the present. Phil grabbed it.  
  
"Unit Commander Phil and his team are hereby given authority to engage in any activities that they judge to be necessary to preserve a timeline. Signed, Sector Commander O'Connor. Cool! Remind me to thank you in about twenty years, Chief." Phil flipped up, and used his flying powers to make it look as if he was climbing on the ceiling. He began to sing, "Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can..."  
  
O'Connor sighed. "Sometimes I worry about that boy."  
  
When Phil returned, Ralph and Ecks had joined the Z fighters. "Good, I was wondering where you two were. Now listen; I'm going to be gone for about a day. So will Gohan. GoChibi and Goku are also out of the running for a few hours. I want you two to recruit whatever Z fighters you can get to form a unit to harass Buu. Don't confront him directly; that can only get you killed. Hit and fade attacks are the best method. Coordinate with the guys running the transporters. Zap him with a good attack, then teleport out. Also, make sure that Goten and Trunks train in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber; we need to have Gotenks running around to maintain the timeline."  
  
Ralph looked at his commanding officer. "Uh, Phil, I've read enough manga to know that none of us can actually hurt Majin Buu. What good will that do?"  
  
"Every second he's distracted by your efforts is a second that he isn't killing civilians. It'll keep them on their toes, and besides, you could get lucky. After all, Majin Buu may me nigh invulnerable, but Babadi isn't. Ralph, I'm putting you in charge of this little operation. Think you're up to it?"  
  
"You can count on me, sir!"  
  
"Good. If Goku and GoChibi wake up before I get back, make them part of your force and make sure that they don't try anything stupid. Got it?"  
  
Ecks and Ralph saluted. "Yes, sir!"  
  
"C'mon, Shin. We'll take the transporter to your planet."  
  
"You know where my planet is?"  
  
"Supreme Kai, in case you haven't guessed it, the Physics Police know just about everything; it's just a matter of sifting through the useless details." The two went for the transporter room. "Hey Gohan! Ya commin, or what?"  
  
"I wouldn't miss this for the world!"  
  
* * *  
  
Several minutes later, Phil, Gohan and Kaio-shin were on the surface of another planet. It was similar to earth, the terran-class trees and grass. The water was blue (Phil was relieved to see this; he had found that anything else was just nasty), and the atmosphere was composed of Oxygen, Hydrogen, Nitrogen and other trace gases. Phil inhaled deeply, and the air smelled sweet and clean. The planet seemed shrouded in eternal twilight, and it had a higher gravity pull than the earth.  
  
Kaio-shin smiled. "It is good to be home again. Welcome to my planet."  
  
"Nice place you got here."  
  
"I'm glad that you approve, Phil. Now, before I can teach you anything, we need to meditate and clear our minds of all extraneous thought."  
  
"No fair! You Anime people have an unfair advantage!"  
  
"I have no idea what an "Anime" is, so I'll ignore that comment. Now, assume a lotus position and begin." For some reason, Phil found it easy to find a calm, trancelike state. This place produces a lot of Force! It's so easy to manipulate. Chi is easier to use here too. No wonder Shin decided to set up shop here. After several minutes, Kaio-shin stood up.  
  
"I believe that you are now ready. I will now cast a spell that will give you the ability to focus your Chi as never before. It is very similar to a Super Saiyan power up, but far more effective." With that, the Supreme Kai began to sing a very odd song, sung in a lost language (what he sang was the Kaio-shin race's equivalent to Weird Al Yanchovic's song "Albuquerque," but nobody knew that). He then ran around the pair of warriors in a large circle, waving his arms in a style that could only be described as "the Monkey."  
  
Gohan whispered to Phil. "Has he snapped?"  
  
"No, believe it or not, this is completely serious. It will work."  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
"I've taken assignment in universes almost identical to yours. Believe me, this will give us greater strength than Majin Buu. Unless he absorbs somebody."  
  
* * *  
  
Ralph watched as Majin Buu began to rip apart a Honda factory. Babadi sat back a short distance away, laughing as the workers fled. Ralph spoke into a walkie-talkie. "This is Bossman calling Wannabe. I repeat, Bossman calling Wannabe. Over."  
  
"Ralph, why do we have to have these stupid call signs? Over."  
  
"Well Ecks, it makes it a lot cooler, but now you've ruined the effect. Thanks a lot! Now, is your team in position? Over."  
  
"Yes, over."  
  
"Move in my mark. Over."  
  
"Roger, over."  
  
Ralph spoke into his wristwatch. "Ralph to Transporter Room A. Come in."  
  
"This is transporter room A. We are ready to teleport you out if you need to."  
  
"Roger, transporter room A. Ralph to Ecks. Mark."  
  
"Planet X beam!" The shaft of light flew up at Majin Buu, and the magical attack forced the monster to halt his attack.  
  
Ralph noted that Ecks jumped into a nearby wormhole as Buu's counterattack flew in. "Better start my own spell. By the Hammer of Thor,"  
  
Android 18 and Yamcha sent their own energy beams up at Buu. They had little effect, but the creature was once again distracted, allowing several workers to flee to safety.  
  
"And the Eye of Odin,"  
  
Piccolo used his special beam cannon on Buu. It blasted into his right side, burrowing through his skin. After a few moments, the pink tissue healed itself. Krillin's Destructo Disk sliced into Majin Buu's torso, but stopped a few centimeters in. The pair left via the same portal as Yamcha and Android 18.  
  
"Lend me the strength of,"  
  
Tein launched his signature maneuver, the Tri attack. A beam of energy smashed into Buu. The attack seemed to do more damage to the three-eyed warrior then it did Majin Buu. Tein staggered into Eck's wormhole. By this time, Ralph's body glowed a bright yellow from his collected energies.  
  
"The collectors of fallen warriors.  
  
Valkyrie Beam!"  
  
This time, he had placed his hands together, so instead of two smaller attacks, there was one gigantic attack. A massive horse composed of yellow energy, with a sword-wielding rider of the same composition, raced up at Majin Buu. The pink monster shielded its face as the spell's energy consumed him. When the flash subsided, Buu was covered in major burns. Within a few moments, the creature's healing powers had repaired the damage done by the attacks.  
  
Drained by the spell, Ralph fell into another wormhole. After a few moments of drifting in the off-color space between dimensions, the Mage landed on the cushions. The various fighters were waiting for him. They began to walk back to base. Piccolo spat. "We're wasting our time. We should be fighting him directly! What good have we done so far?"  
  
"We've kept Babadi on his toes, for one thing. Our attacks are spit wads compared to what Buu can put out; however, any stray shot could easily kill Babadi. Also, we gave hundreds of people time to escape. I'd say we're doing exactly what Phil told us to do. Now who wants to play some poker?"  
  
The Namek face faulted. "W-what? We need to launch another attack!"  
  
"Look Piccolo, Tein and I need some time to recharge from our attacks. Besides, if we go in too many times, Buu will start to expect us. The more tired we get, the more likely that one of us will get killed. So, we're taking a half hour break."  
  
Ecks grinned. "Before we start, I'd like you to meet my new pet. His name is Joe." She ran off to her quarters, and returned with a snakelike creature dangling from a rod mounted on her back. It was furry, and had tiny, vestigial arms. What surprised Ralph the most was that he found himself unable to detect Ecks with the Force.  
  
"Wait a second... is that thing a ysalarmiri?"  
  
"Bingo. Within a ten-meter radius, the Force effectively doesn't exist. What, did you think that I would take your cheating lying down?"  
  
"Where did you get that?"  
  
"You'd be surprised what the pet shops around here carry."  
  
"Ah." It was at that moment that they reached the Rec Room. "OK, here we are. Who's joining us?"  
  
Piccolo went off to meditate, but the other Z fighters were more than willing to partake in some relaxation. Krillin was dealing. "Hey Ralph, there's something wrong with the deck."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"It's one card short. You're missing the... Ace of Clubs."  
  
"Oh yeah... it's in my pocket. Just a sec." He dug out the poker card. "I can't even remember why I separated it from the deck...AW CRAP!" The picture of Sailor Mars was still looking out at him with a blazing fury in her eyes.  
  
Yamcha commented, "I didn't know you guys collected Sailor Moon trading cards to! I'll trade you a Luna for it!" The other occupants of the room looked at him with unveiled looks of disgust on their faces.  
  
"Sailor Mars Card, Release and Dispel!" Using his wand, Ralph released the Senshi of Fire. She materialized in the middle of the aging card table, which collapsed under her weight. After a few moments, she recovered from the shock.  
  
"All right, you! You're going to give Usagi back right... now... where the hell am I?" She noticed the collection of freaks and weirdoes. Ralph was massaging his temples.  
  
"Damn! I'd forgotten about this little... unpleasantness."  
  
"What?! You kidnapped me, then forgot about it?" At this point, she had grabbed Ralph by the front of his Jedi robe and was shaking him back and forth. "You're going to take me home right now!"  
  
"Very well. Sorry guys, you better play without me." He led the irate Sailor Senshi to the transporter room. "Hey, Jack."  
  
The portly man running the transporters grinned. "Hey, Ralph? Who's your friend?"  
  
"Uh, Jack, this is Rei, AKA Sailor Mars. Sailor Mars, this is Jack."  
  
As she shook his hand, she glared at Ralph. "And just how do you know my name?"  
  
"I used to watch your show before they canceled it."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Never mind. Jack, I need a wormhole to the Juban district of Tokyo for two."  
  
"Which universe?"  
  
"FC-1." Jack made the proper adjustments, and a hole in the space-time continuum crackled into existence. "Oh, and Happy Birthday, Jack."  
  
"Thanks Ralph." The pair disappeared into the wormhole.  
  
* * * *  
  
"You know, you didn't have to escort me home!" By this time, she had reverted to her less conspicuous street clothes.  
  
"Look, I am sorry about what happened. If you'll recall, you did attack me."  
  
"But you'd kidnapped Usagi!"  
  
"And like I tried to explain, it had to be done, but you just leapt to conclusions. Like Phil said, we aren't villains, just heroes with a different agenda. Now, how can I make this up to you?"  
  
"By leaving me alone, you jerk!"  
  
"As you wish. Now, promise you'll tell the other Senshi to stay out of this business with Majin Buu."  
  
"From what you said, we wouldn't stand a chance, so yes. Now buzz off!"  
  
"Very well." Ralph flew off and was sucked into a wormhole that appeared from nowhere.  
  
"Great! Now that he's gone, I have to tell Grandpa where I've been for the last... week... Ieeeeeeeee!" Where a shrine had once stood, there was now an extravagant mansion. There was a pair of armed guards who sat in booths on opposite sides of a large gate. She walked up to one of them. "Uh, excuse me..."  
  
"Ah, Ms. Connery! Very good to see you! Your grandfather has been notified of you arrival!" Scratching her head, Rei walked into the large structure. The main hallway had to be at least two stories tall.  
  
"Hello?" Her voice echoed. Down a large staircase came a shorter Gaijin man. He was pudgy, and had white hair and a scraggly beard. What she noticed first was that he had a woman on each arm. If you added up their ages, they might have equaled the man, but Rei sincerely doubted it.  
  
He looked at her. "Ah, there you are! You remember Cindi and Bunni."  
  
"Hello, Cindi, Bunni. Who are you?"  
  
"Ah, I see that your week at acting camp has paid off. I almost believed that you didn't recognize your own grandfather. Ha!" The airheads joined in his hearty laughter.  
  
Where have I seen him before...wait, I think I saw a movie with him once. "Sean Connery is my Grandpa?!!?"  
  
"Yes, you are a lucky girl, aren't you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some... business to attend to." The trio went back up the stairs, giggling. Of course, by this time Rei was storming out. As she walked to Usagi's house, she decided that she needed to calm down.  
  
Rage won't help anything. She calmly walked down the street. Calmly passed the school and the ice cream parlor. Calmly found Usagi's home. Calmly scaled the side of the house, calmly positioned herself on Usagi's windowsill, calmly threw a brick through the window, and calmly grabbed Luna by the scruff of her neck and began to calmly shake the life out of the cat. "You work for them. Take me to the Physics Police. Now."  
  
"W-What?"  
  
"Now."  
  
Luna had never seen that kind of rage in the girl's eyes before. She focused, and a wormhole was formed from the energies in the crescent moon on her head. "There you go. What's all this about?"  
  
Ignoring the cat, Mars transformed. Somehow, her extreme anger shortened the process to a fraction of a second. "I shall avenge you, Grandpa. I swear it." She walked into the portal, and it closed behind her.  
  
Luna grimaced. "I wonder what Phil did this time?"  
  
In a few seconds, Sailor Mars found herself in the transporter room. Jack recognized her from before. "Oh, hello Rei." It was at that instant that her fist found his chin, and the technician lay unconscious on the ground. Guided by her sixth sense, she managed to find the Rec Room (it also helped that there were several "you are here" signs along the way). By this time, the Z fighters and SU5 were engaged in a game of BS.  
  
Android 18 placed a pair of cards in the center of the table. "Two Aces." She noticed the angry Sailor Scout. "What do you want?"  
  
Ralph turned around. "Sailor Mars? What do you oof!" Her high-heeled shoe found his groin, and the Jedi went sprawling. His voice became several octaves higher. "What do you want?"  
  
"You replaced my Grandpa with some Gaijin womanizer. You die." She struck out again, seemingly forgetting her Senshi powers. Ralph groaned in pain as her foot impacted his gut. He braced himself for the next attack. However, by this time Krillin and Yamcha were restraining her. "Let me go!"  
  
Using a Jedi technique to block out the pain. "What the hell do you think your doing?"  
  
"My Grandpa is gone, you bastard! He's Sean Connery! What did you do to him? It was bad enough that you kidnapped me, but why did you have to do that! Why? Why." She began sobbing, and the Z fighters released her. Ralph placed his arm on her shoulder.  
  
"There there. Tell me what happened."  
  
"Well, *sniff* I got home and the shrine was gone. There was some mansion, and Grandpa wasn't there. Sean Connery was there, and he said he was my Grandpa, and there were these bimbos, and the guard called me "Ms. Connery," and I feel so alone and scared and I don't know what's going on and I smashed Usagi's window and..." It was at that moment that she began another series of moaning and wailing.  
  
Ralph looked up at the others. "I think you should go to the ready room now." They complied. "Look at me, Rei." She didn't, and pulled herself closer, sobbing into his robe. He put some Force behind his next statement. "Look at me, Rei." This time, she obeyed. "Now, let me tell you something. Phil told you about that stuff with the dimensions and stuff, right?" She nodded. "About a week ago, your dimension merged with several of its neighbors. In the process, several timelines were modified. Some retained their original form, but most are patchwork creations. I think your Grandpa doesn't exist anymore. I don't know how you ended up being Sean Connery's kid, but it happened."  
  
She sniffed. "I don't have a home anymore. I can't live with him."  
  
"We'll work something out. Don't worry. How about I take you to my quarters, and you can take a nap?"  
  
"OK." Ralph led Rei down the hall, a few steps to an elevator. After dropping three levels, he gave her a cardkey.  
  
"It's room 18. Third door on the right. If you need somebody to talk to, call me at this number." He handed her a slip of paper. "Are you going to be alright?"  
  
"Y-yes. *Sniff*. Thank you for everything."  
  
"Look, I have to go. I have a mission in a few minutes. I'm truly sorry about everything that *mmmmmph!*" It was at that moment that she embraced him and kissed him passionately. He coughed into his hand. "Ahem. We'll talk later."  
  
As they separated, their thoughts were in perfect sync: "Now where the hell did that come from?"  
  
On Kaio-shin's planet:  
  
They Supreme Kai was entering hour five of his spell, and Phil sighed. "Well, that got old fast." He pulled a Walkman from his pocket and began listening to the Best of Weird Al. Gohan was watching a portable TV.  
  
"Good thing you brought all this stuff. I don't know how I would have managed without it."  
  
"Y'know, we're more alike than I thought." And that scares me to the depths of my soul. "I had no idea that you were a Simpsons Fan."  
  
"What, you kidding? They're hilarious! Training for most of my childhood, I didn't get a chance to watch TV much, though."  
  
At that moment, Phil shuddered. Gohan queried, "What was that?"  
  
"There was a great disturbance in the Force, as if a crime against all natural laws had just occurred. Probably nothing."  
  
"OK. Mind passing the chips?"  
  
"Not at all. Are Tim's Cascade Brand your favorite to?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Spooky, isn't it?"  
  
* * *  
  
For a few minutes, all he knew was wetness and dark. He was suspended in a tank of some kind of liquid, and had a mask that covered his mouth. He couldn't see anything. In these moments of consciousness, he wondered where he was. He struck out with his hand, shattering the opaque glass that covered his stasis tube. He found a new sensation as the hardened substance crushed above his face; pain. He stood up, shattering the rest of the glass. Where am I? This new place he was in was no brighter than the place where he had come from. He removed the breathing mask from his face; he instinctively knew that he could breathe in his new surroundings.  
  
Triggered by his motion, several lights turned on. His pupils shrank back as the more pain assaulted his face. When the brightness became tolerable, he surveyed his surroundings. About him were various computers, consoles, displays and machines. He didn't comprehend any of them. That was when the memories caught up with him.  
  
*Flash!* A green light filled the air, and he felt the agony as his intellect was stripped away and his body began to double in muscle mass. He was confused. Where am I? At his feet cowered a young man.  
  
"It's some kind of living Hulk!"  
  
*Flash! * "Vegeta! Help me!" He felt pain. More pain than he had ever felt before.  
  
"Napa, you are pathetic. One who cannot stand is not worthy to be called a Saiyan." At that moment, the entire world disappeared in a flash of searing agony.  
  
*Flash!* A horrible humanoid being with scythe-like blades jutting from her back laughed at him. "I can see inside your mind! You cannot summon that power again!" Again, there was pain, as blood flowed freely from several wounds. He found himself thinking of something called the Shi Shi Houkou Dan.  
  
"What am I?" He looked into a mirror, and he saw a hideous monster staring back at him. He had green skin, and beetle-like wings. He had crests that jutted from his head like an ornamental helmet, and a long, supple tail extended from his back. He searched his memories for the answer to his question. "Who am I?" Recognition from several of his memories identified him as "Cell." "Cell is me?" He would need time to sift through all of his raging emotions. He didn't know how to make sense of any of it. Suddenly, a machine behind him inserted a probe into the back of his skull. He heard the voice of an older man.  
  
"I am Doctor Geroe, your creator. You are Cell. You are perfection. You were made from the DNA and memories of the most powerful beings in the universe. Your mission is to kill those who oppose you, and rule over the rest. You are probably confused. Allow me to teach you what you need to know."  
  
Cell let the knowledge sink in. I shall be complete. I will be the most powerful. I am Cell. I am perfection.  
  
End Part 18  
  
I bet that you thought I'd forgotten about Sailor Mars and Cell. Fat chance of that!  
  
For those who couldn't guess, the Cell remembered a) the Hulk's birth, b) Napa's death, and c) Phil's battle with Kerrigan. I picked several instances that would stick out in the mind of those sampled. 


	19. The Return of Phil

Part 19  
  
The Return of Phil  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: Most of this wasn't my idea. Other authors may, with my permission, use those ideas that are mine.  
  
Vegeta was having difficulty keeping his eyes open. Ever since the IRS had abducted him, the suit-clad men had forced him to sign pile after pile of paperwork. It is a simple fact that tax forms are so insanely complicated that one cannot help but make a few mistakes. Vegeta wasn't very adept at paperwork (having been of noble birth, he hadn't been trained as a scholar), so he had made numerous errors on each form. This necessitated even more paperwork, which brought on more mistakes, which meant that Vegeta had to fill out even more forms, and so on. In this kind of situation, how long somebody is forced to fill out paperwork is in direct proportion to how much they anger the agent who brings them in. And Agent John did not like being blown up.  
  
Vegeta slammed his pen onto the pile of paper. "There! Finished! May I leave?"  
  
"Not quite. You must fill out the dreaded forms 15897-A through 2080938-X! Bwahahahahahahaha!" The Saiyan moaned as another stack of paperwork was placed before him.  
  
"I think this pen is out of ink."  
  
GoChibi suddenly awoke. At first, she didn't know where she was. After a few moments, she realized that she was in a tank of some sort. Even with the breath mask over her mouth and nose, she could smell the familiar stench of Bacta. Then, she remembered why she was there. "Damn! I got my head handed to me by that pink marshmallow thing!" She knocked on the side of the tank. "Hello? I'm ready to come out!" There was no response. She floated upwards, and found that there was no door handle on that side of the egress hatch. She was about to blast through it when it opened up to reveal the face of a strange man.  
  
"Hi, everybody! My name is Doctor Nick Riviera! Now, don't strain yourself, or you'll give yourself skeletosis jumpesi!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"It is a rare condition in which the skeleton tries to jump out of the skin."  
  
Another Doctor laid his hand on Doctor Nick's shoulder. "Why don't you go watch some TV?"  
  
"OK!"  
  
GoChibi was very confused. "Who are you?"  
  
"Hello, I'm Doctor Hibberd. Now, the quack was right; you almost died!" He then began to chuckle. "But seriously, you should be fine in a few minutes. Now, go join your friends."  
  
The Moon Princess noticed that Goku was still floating in his Bacta Tank. "Will he be all right?"  
  
"Oh, he'll be good in about another day or so. Most people would have died with the kind of exhaustion he was suffering from." Once again, he chuckled.  
  
GoChibi thought that the guy was nuts! "Uh, thanks. G'bye!" She homed in on a familiar Chi signature and used the instant transmission to teleport into the Rec room. Directly in front of Ralph.  
  
"ACK!" The Jedi clutched his chest. "GoChibi? DON'T DO THAT!"  
  
"Sorry. Watcha doing?"  
  
"We were just planning our next hit and run strike against Majin Buu."  
  
"That won't be necessary."  
  
"Phil?" It was indeed the Physics Policeman, and Gohan was with him.  
  
Ralph queried, "Where's Kaio-shin?"  
  
"He decided to stay on his home planet. Something about not being strong enough to contribute meaningfully to any battle."  
  
GoChibi stretched out her senses. "Uh, Phil, you aren't any stronger."  
  
"Oh really?" He focused intently on a spot just behind Ralph's head. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then, the air around Phil began to shimmer, and Phil's Chi began strengthening. The portable computer and hologram projector Ralph had been using to explain his plan began to lift of the table, levitated by waves of power. The deck of cards began to spread about, moving to different corners of the room. Then, there was an explosive aura of Chi surrounded Phil. Unlike the various other power ups available in this universe, the aura had no color; the air around Phil simply shimmered. The visual effect ceased, and Phil stood there as if nothing had happened. However, those sensitive to Chi signatures could read that he was head and shoulders above Majin Buu.  
  
Over the loudspeakers, Chief O'Connor's voice could be heard. "Phil, cut that out right now before you knock the building over!"  
  
"Sorry! I'm already finished anyways."  
  
Tein looked at Phil in open-mouthed shock. "I-it's impossible! You can't have gained that kind of power in one day!"  
  
"You think this is something, you should feel Gohan. He's a little stronger than I am. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a pink monster to squish." The energies of the Mystical Powerup still flowed through his body. Before leaving the Rec Room, Phil looked Piccolo straight in the eye. "Oh, and I don't want any of you leaving here until we're done with Buu. Especially you, Piccolo; if Majin Buu absorbs you, he'll become more powerful than either Gohan or myself. That would not be a good thing. See you later."  
  
As Gohan and Phil walked towards the transporter room, the young Saiyan looked at Phil with some confusion evident in his eyes. "Uh, Phil, why did you say that I'm more powerful than you? I mean, your ultra efficient technique..."  
  
"Isn't compatible with the Mystical Powerup. Apparently, the author thought I would be too strong if the strength of Freeza was combined with Kaio-shin's technique. Something about, "making the story believable."  
  
"Hold on... you've met the author?"  
  
"Well, I am the main character of this story, so yes, I am privy to his thoughts. You aren't, because he's trying to keep you in character."  
  
"Oh."  
  
As they entered the transporter room, Phil immediately noticed that something was wrong. "Jack, what happened?"  
  
He had a black eye, and his nose was possibly broken, which affected his voice. "Well, some chick in a Sailor Fuku came bursting in here and punched me in the face!"  
  
"Gee, that's tough luck, pal. I need a wormhole for two to..."  
  
"Universe FC-1?"  
  
"How'd you guess?"  
  
"That's the only place anyone goes these days."  
  
"Oh, and happy birthday, Jack."  
  
Jack sighed. "Not so far."  
  
Universe FC-1  
  
Slightly north of Tokyo  
  
Babadi was chortling evilly. Over the past day, he and Majin Buu had been tearing across Japan, slaughtering tens of thousands and causing billions of dollars worth of property damage. At the moment, they had forced a train to a halt. Buu was hovering on the right side of the train and stared in with a grin on his face. He summoned a chi bolt, and was about to let fly when he felt an energy fluctuation.  
  
Babadi glared at the wormhole. "Are those fools attempting to stop us again? We've already dealt with their most powerful fighters. Buu, make sure they don't escape this time."  
  
"Yes, master." Gohan and Phil calmly floated out as the gap in reality closed.  
  
Phil began to pose in a manner not unlike Sailor Moon. "Majin Buu, you have killed far too many simply for the pleasure of doing so. You have forfeited your right to live. I am Unit Commander Phil of the Physics Police, and in the name of the Physics Police, I am gonna enjoy kicking your fat, pasty pink ass!" Phil hadn't ever powered down, deciding that it took more energy to start it up than to maintain it for a few minutes. Faster than either Majin Buu or Babadi could track, Phil flew in and caught the pink monster with an uppercut.  
  
Buu screamed in surprise and pain as he flew upward. His flight was halted, as Phil appeared directly overhead, elbowing him in the gut. Then, Phil kicked Buu in the face, sending the pink creature into a nearby forest. The fat creature flew through several mighty trees before he was able to stop himself.  
  
Buu levered himself into a sitting position, and found a pair of fighters levitating above him. It took him several moments for him to realize that it wasn't the pair he had been fighting a moment before. "Who are you?"  
  
Goten and Trunks had transformed into Super Saiyan mode. Having finished a year of training in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, the young Saiyans had grown immeasurably more powerful. Also, Phil had given them several tapes of an Anime starring them (they had thought that was particularly cool) and a few technique scrolls so that they could learn the Fusion Dance without Goku's tutelage.  
  
"Ready, Goten?"  
  
"You know it, Trunks!" The pair began a complicated dance, which involved kicking, bending, and extending their fingertips to touch the other dancer's fingers. If any step of the dance was performed incorrectly, it would result in a warrior weaker than either Goten or Trunks alone. However, a year of trial and error in the Chamber had given them complete mastery of the technique. After a few moments, there was a bright flash. When the light subsided, one warrior stood where two had been. He had black hair reminiscent of Vegeta, and the Saiyan Prince's characteristic look of arrogance.  
  
By this time, Gohan and Phil had caught up with the battle. Gohan looked at the tiny fighter. "Who's that?"  
  
"Remember that Fusion Dance I told you about?" Gohan nodded. "Well, I gave them some research materials and told them to learn it. That is Gotenks, a combination of Trunks and Goten. We have to get him out of there. Now."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Like your Dad, Gotenks can become a level three Super Saiyan. And also like your Dad, he can't maintain that state long enough to do any significant damage to somebody as strong as Majin Buu. To my knowledge, he can't reach level two, so he'll either be too strong or too weak to fight Buu." Phil flew down next to the pint-sized warrior. "You better back off, Gotenks."  
  
"Ah, blow it out your ass, old man! I'm twice as strong as you'll ever be!"  
  
"Not exactly true, but still, you can't beat Buu. If you go to Super Saiyan level three, you'll exhaust yourself. Now, leave this to the professionals."  
  
"Back off! He's my kill!" The tiny warrior began to collect energy in preparation for a Chi attack against Buu. By this time, the portly demon had realized that three to one odds was not in his favor, and was attempting to slink off. "Come back here!" Gotenks sent his Galick Gun into the pink warrior. A blast shook the forest, and felled trees that were several centuries old.  
  
Phil sighed. "He's just as egotistical in this universe as he was in the Anime. Just swell."   
  
The attack had little effect of Majin Buu. However, the boy had a great strength. If I can just absorb him, I can take those two fighters! The pink creature fired his own blast, which Gotenks skillfully dodged.  
  
Phil sighed dejectedly. "The only thing to do now is to hope that Gotenks found a way to improve the level three transformation. That jerk'll fight until either he or Buu is dead, and he won't let us help him." Phil decided to just fly out of range and let events occur without his intervention.  
  
The yellow aura surrounding Gotenks expanded outwards, consuming a stand of oak trees. Buu grinned. Yes! Even more power! The portly demon came flew at about mach three to engage Gotenks, and was rewarded for his efforts with a right hook that sent him crashing through another stand of trees.  
  
Phil grinned at Gohan. "I'm surprised Green Peace isn't throwing some kind of hissy fit right about now."  
  
Gotenks didn't give Majin Buu a chance to recover. The Saiyan was already at close range, punching and kicking Buu. Each blow caused him significant damage, and even his improved restorative abilities weren't able to stand up to the stress. A kick to the back of his head nearly rendered Buu unconscious. Gotenks floated down to earth and looked at Majin Buu with a disdainful smirk on his lips. "This is the mighty Majin Buu? Ha!" With a speed that belied his girth, Buu kicked the legs out from under Gotenks. The young Saiyan then was caught under the demon as Buu body slammed his opponent.  
  
"Get offa me, you Fat Bastard!" He attempted to force the creature off of him by using his aura to physically shove Majin Buu. However, Buu was putting all of his strength into fighting the field of energy, and Gotenks' energy supply was dwindling. After nearly a minute of this, the yellow aura surrounding Gotenks collapsed, and the exhausted boy was crushed beneath Majin Buu. The pink demon lifted him by one leg and dangled him before his face.  
  
"Get...in...mah...belly!" After unwittingly quoting a villain from the Austin Powers series, Buu expanded his jaws and swallowed the unconscious Gotenks whole.  
  
Gohan looked at the scene. "It's horrible! Goten!" His eyes turned blue, and tendrils of electric blue energy began to crackle around him.  
  
Phil grabbed Gohan by the shoulders and forced the Saiyan to look him in the eye. "Gohan! Get control of your emotions! If you go to Super Saiyan, Buu will kill you for sure!" As Gohan calmed slightly and began the Mystical Powerup, Buu was going through his own changes. He glowed a bright pink, and everything except for his outline became indiscernible. His shape shifted, with the fat being burned away to fuel the transformation, and he shrank several inches. When he became visible again, Buu was exactly as he had been, minus several kilograms of cellulite. Also, the distinctive yellow energy of the Super Saiyan now surrounded him. Phil and Gohan could sense that the demon now had far more power than either of them.  
  
Phil grimaced. At least he didn't get Piccolo too. "Gohan, we have to work together if we're going to have the slightest chance of victory. Now, I'm going to be communicating with you telepathically. Follow my instructions."  
  
"Affirmative."  
  
Majin Buu looked up at the pair. "I'm sorry; before we were so rudely interrupted, I believe that we had our own battle. Shall we continue it?" There was no verbal response. Phil activated his lightsaber, and waved the yellow blade menacingly at Buu. Together, the two Mystic warriors began their assault.  
  
Gohan, being the stronger of the two, attacked Buu head on. The two began exchanging blows, and neither was making any appreciable headway. Flanking Majin Buu from the left, Phil sliced down, cleaving away the demon's left arm. While Phil vaporized it with a Chi bolt (to ensure that he didn't use it to assimilate either of them), Gohan took advantage of his opponent's injury to hammer his left side. Phil joined in, and for a few moments it looked as if victory was within their grasp.  
  
That was when Majin Buu finished regenerating his lost limb. A vicious left hook sent Phil flying, and Buu kicked Gohan in the side of his head. The pair decided to keep their distance.  
  
Majin Buu then took the initiative, forcing the pair back with a volley of kicks and punches. The pair of Mystical warriors was being slowly battered into submission. Phil reached into his pocket and pulled out a pistol-like device. Pointing it at Majin Buu's face, he sent a green, gelatinous blob onto the demon's face. It blocked his vision, and he wasted several precious moments attempting to remove it from his head. "Gohan, fall back!" As they retreated, Phil threw a small, spherical device at Buu. It detonated, and Buu collapsed, clutching his ears and screaming.  
  
The pair flew away at top speed. "What was that?"  
  
"Sonic grenade. It'll really mess with his sense of balance and it hurts like hell. I just bought us a few seconds. Better use them wisely." At that moment, Buu appeared in front of them.  
  
"Boo." He held each fighter by the throat, cutting off their air supply. Thinking fast, Gohan struck out with his foot, catching Buu in the solar plexus. Temporarily stunned, the pair punched him simultaneously, sending Majin Buu flying. Towards Tokyo.  
  
They simultaneously said, "D'oh!"  
  
In an exhibition center in Downtown Tokyo, what was normally a Sumo Wrestling arena had been converted into a more western style ring. Ropes connected four poles, but in this kind of tournament, the ropes were more of a weapon than a barrier. An announcer, who bore a striking resemblance to the announcer of the World Martial Arts Tournament (now the World Strategy Games Tournament), yelled, "And today, we have for you a special treat! Hercule, Champion of the Earth, versus The Rock, all the way from America!"  
  
The wrestlers were posing. "HA! You gaijin weakling! Do you truly think that you can match the might of the one who beat Cell?"  
  
"Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?"  
  
It was at this moment that Majin Buu crashed through the ceiling and was embedded several feet into the ring. Hercule and the Rock both called for their mommies, then ran from the stadium. The crowd went wild, thinking that it was all part of the show.  
  
"Look at this, folks! It's Majin Buu, the horrendous monster who has held Japan in a state of chaos for over a day now!" Phil and Gohan dropped in on either side of him. "And even better: it's Phil, a competitor of the now defunct World Martial Arts Tournament, and the Great Saiya Man! Let's give them a hand!"  
  
Ignoring the cheering audience Phil and Gohan began to beat on the stunned Buu.  
  
Miles away, Babadi still didn't understand what was happening. "Father's journal never mentioned an ability to absorb other beings!" Caught up in his musings, the wizard never saw the stinger embed itself in his back and suck him dry.  
  
"An excellent appetizer." The being sensed a trio of great powers only a few miles away. "Now for the main course."  
  
By this time, Buu had recovered and had the pair of warriors on the run. He punched Phil, sending him back into the ropes. Using the springy cords to his advantage, Phil rebounded at high velocity to catch Buu with a clothesline.  
  
The over exuberant crowd would occasionally yell bits of advice. "Give him the chair!" Gohan complied, beating Buu over the head with a folding chair that had materialized out of thin air.  
  
"Give him the can!" Phil jammed a metal garbage can over Buu's head. It had come from the same place as the folding chair.  
  
"Give him the 13 megaton nuclear device." Fortunately for all involved, neither Phil nor Gohan followed this particular bit of advice.  
  
"Enough of this!" Majin Buu caught the pair with a pair of simultaneous uppercuts. They were thrown from the arena, and crashed into a nearby housing complex. "Go riddance to bad rubbish." It was at this moment that a fist caught Buu across the face, knocking him to the ground. "What the hell?"  
  
Cell stood over him, smirking. "You were only one letter off." The pair squared off, the winner ready to absorb the loser.  
  
End Part 19 


	20. Cell vs Majin Buu, and Other Odd Events

Part 20  
  
Cell Vs. Majin Buu, and Other Odd Events.  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: Sadly, I own very little of what I post (such is the burden of the fanfic author: to put out so much for no compensation).  
  
Note: There are many references to Marvel Comics this chapter.  
  
Universe FC-1  
  
Downtown Tokyo  
  
Phil returned to his senses and rubbed his hand along his jaw. That pink bastard packs quite a left hook. He was in the ruins of an apartment building, and thought he smelled a gas leak. He returned to his feet, and regretted it as spine and limbs protested with white-hot pain. Ignoring his injuries, Phil surveyed his surroundings. Apparently, judging by the fact that there were no corpses around him, the occupants of this building had evacuated before Majin Buu had punched Gohan and Phil out of Kawasaki Exhibition Center. "Gohan! Are you there?" A moan escaped a nearby pile of debris. The Saiyan's gloved hand extended from the rubble, and was attempting to claw its way out. Phil made a gesture, using the Force to clear the large chunks of wood and metal. Gohan was actually in better shape than Phil had been.  
  
Phil reached into his back pocket. His supply of Zensu beans was rapidly dwindling, but he had enough to give himself and Gohan one apiece. "How do you feel?"  
  
"Like an apartment complex just collapsed on me." The pair snarfed the magical beans.  
  
"That about covers it. Ready for round two?"  
  
"Am I!" The two focused their Chi and the energies of the Mystical Powerup strengthened them. Phil noted that Gohan was slightly more powerful than he had been before, due to the Saiyan's power to increase in strength after a battle, win or lose.  
  
The pair flew across the street and saw that Majin Buu was already locked in battle with the last person that either of them had expected to see. "Cell?"  
  
Phil nodded. "I wonder what makes him think that he can take Buu?"  
  
"I'm more concerned about the fact that he should be dead!"  
  
"That to. Wait a sec... this is odd. Cell is a lot weaker than he should be. He has to know that he doesn't stand a chance against Majin Buu. He must be hiding something."  
  
"Hold the phone! Cell's in his basic form, and it looks like he's weaker than before! Oh, and I killed him."  
  
"Quick question: did any of you ever think to destroy Geroe's laboratory after you beat Cell?"  
  
"Why would we do that? Like I said, I'd already killed him."  
  
"The Cell you beat was from an alternate reality, and from the future. Evidently, this is the Cell from your home dimension."  
  
Majin Buu grinned wickedly at Cell. "Ah yes, the memories I absorbed from Gotenks identify you as Cell. You're far too weak to pose a threat to me. Now go away before I make you an appetizer."  
  
"If I'm so weak, how was I able to strike you?" The green monster smirked arrogantly at Majin Buu. "You truly don't stand a chance against me. I know something that you don't know." Cell flew forward and punched Majin Buu into the crowd. Several bystanders were crushed, and the civilians realized that maybe it wasn't such a hot idea to hang around and wait to be blasted.  
  
Hercule was at the head of the mob. "Help! Cell's back for revenge! Aaaaaaaaaaah!" Nobody asked why he was so afraid of such a "cheating weakling."  
  
Buu's cheek stung. He felt his bones reforming after being broken. "That hurt!"  
  
"The mighty Majin Buu. What a tasty treat." Cell's scorpion like tail whipped out, and the pink creature barely managed to avoid the strike.  
  
The yellow aura surrounding Buu grew in intensity. In fact, the flap of skin that replaced what should have been hair turned a bright yellow. Cell seemed unfazed. "Ah, using Gotenks' level three transformation, are we? I suppose you think I'm defeated." At that moment, a dull yellow glow surrounded the composite fighter.  
  
Up above, Phil's eye's widened. His Chi is identical to GoChibi's! "H-he's using GoChibi's improved Super Saiyan Transformation!"  
  
Gohan looked at him. "Huh?"  
  
"Don't you get it?" The Saiyan shook his head. "I'll explain. You see, if Cell has GoChibi's DNA and whatever knowledge he could download from her mind, that means that he knows all of her techniques. He can transform to Super Saiyan now; he couldn't before because none of the people he'd been created from knew how to do that at the time Geroe took their DNA samples. Thank God that she couldn't ever get the hang of my improved attacks, or else we'd really be screwed. GoChibi's improved Chi strength is gonna make this tough enough."  
  
Majin Buu cupped his hands. "Ka...me..."  
  
He was interrupted as Cell curled his fingers into gun like shapes. "Improved Kamehameha!" The invisible lasers sliced into Buu and exploded. When the smoke cleared, Buu had lost his right arm. The pink demon was screaming in agony as it attempted to regenerate the lost limb. Cell flew in and kicked him up and out of the arena. Majin Buu flew up high into the air, and then fell back down, creating a deep crater in the arena floor.  
  
Majin Buu, still missing an arm, managed to crawl from the hole. "What are you?"  
  
"You're new home." Cell's stinger arched back, ready to strike. He halted his assault when Phil kicked him in the back.  
  
Phil was cursing his luck. Damn! He got my DNA too! Must have been pretty soon after I arrived. "Gohan! You hold off Cell."  
  
Gohan nodded. "What're you doing?"  
  
"You just focus on your job, OK?" Phil reached out with his finger, touching Buu's bloody temple. "Hope this Vulcan Mind Meld thingy really works. OK, Buu; your mind to my mind. Your thoughts to my thoughts." Buu attempted to resist, but Phil's stronger psyche managed to batter down the injured demon's assault.  
  
On the astral plane, Phil found himself in a dark room. "Whoa! The astral plane! Cool!" There was no light, but somehow Phil could see the astral projection of Gotenks chained to the floor. "Wake up sleepyhead! We've gotta get out of here!"  
  
The stunned Saiyan looked up. "Huh? Where am I?"  
  
"Never mind!" Using a controlled burst of laser energy, Phil sliced through one of the chains. That was when a monster tackled him from behind. It was Majin Buu. However, it was much smaller than the adult form they now faced. "Kid Buu?"  
  
"I'm no kid! Now go away! Gotenks is my toy!"  
  
"I think not. Now go buzz off before I get mad." Phil fried the chain that trapped Gotenks' right arm. Kid Buu was not pleased with this development.  
  
"Mine!" The tiny pink demon fired a Chi bolt at Phil. Phil deflected the strike easily. "What? You aren't strong enough to do that!"  
  
"You see, Buu, on the astral plane physical strength has no effect. It's all about strength of will, and I've got that in spades. With the Force as my ally, you don't stand a chance here."  
  
"This is my mind! My imagination becomes reality!"  
  
"Aw crap! I was hoping he wouldn't realize that." Suddenly, the chains surrounding Gotenks reformed. Buu launched another attack at Phil and he was unable to avoid it in time. With the tiny terror beating him up, Phil yelled out to Gotenks, "Let the hate flow through you! Your anger makes you powerful! Think of your resentment towards Majin Buu for beating you!"  
  
"Shut up!" Kid Buu kicked Phil in his astral groin, causing him significant pain. There was a flash of yellow light. "What the?"  
  
Gotenks had transformed to level three again. His long, golden hair flowed down his back, and his sheer arrogance and rage began ripping apart the mental chains. "Hia! You'll pay, Buu!" As Gotenks' link to Majin Buu's mind was torn asunder, Kid Buu clutched his head and began writhing in agony. With the mental connection broken, so was the physical. The wounded Buu regurgitated Gotenks.  
  
Meanwhile, in the physical world, Gohan was having his head handed to him. Even with the power afforded him by the Mystic Powerup, Cell was still far stronger. Gohan attempted to give the green creature a kick to the gut, but Cell's right hand deflected the blow. He twisted the ankle, causing the Saiyan significant pain. Then, Cell finished him off with an uppercut, sending Gohan flying into Phil. "Hey, watch it!" The pair became entangled and collapsed to the arena floor. "Gohan, he's evidently hiding his Chi with my technique."  
  
"Hold on just a second here! He feels more powerful than a Super Saiyan! If he's hiding his full potential... aw crap!"  
  
"Which is exactly why we have to keep him from absorbing Majin Buu. He doesn't need that kind of boost."  
  
"I'm open to suggestions."  
  
By this time, Gotenks had recovered. "Cell? What're you doin' here?" His jet-black hair shifted to blonde. "It doesn't matter! You're way too weak to beat me!" Gotenks' ego had gotten the better of him again. The Fusion warrior raced in and attempted to beat down Cell. Cell blocked each blow easily, and then smacked him in the face with his tail. This sent Gotenks flying into the wall. Finally, the tiny fighter couldn't maintain his fused state and reverted into an unconscious pair of Saiyan children.  
  
Phil's eyes were almost emotionless. The icy coldness of his Chi was also disturbing to Gohan. "Gohan, listen to me. I just may have an idea." He reached out and grabbed Gohan's face. "Your mind to my mind. Your thoughts to my thoughts." Their minds became one. The Force allowed them to maintain this state long after Phil broke contact. And then, they began to move in perfect unison, doing a complicated series of kicks and hand motions. After a brief flash of light, one warrior stood where two had been before. He resembled Gohan, except that his hair was a dark brown and hung limply, extended to his shoulders. Also, his eyes were an odd size, somewhere between Gohan's Anime-style eyes and Phil's normal set.  
  
Cell looked at him with confusion etched on his face. "Who are you?"  
  
"I am Ph'lan." The fused warrior still maintained the icy coldness that Phil had been emanating.  
  
"Flan? As in the delicious custard desert?"  
  
"Uh, well, not really... damn! He's right!" Ph'lan focused and performed the Mystical Powerup. His hair was forced up by the waves of power. "But, I'm at least on par with you!" The two began to exchange blows. Ph'lan's uppercut would of broken Cell's nose, had the green being been born with one. It impact shattered every window within a city block. Cell retaliated with a high kick that caught Ph'lan in the temple. This attack sent him sprawling. The warrior leapt back to his feet and ignited his lightsaber. The sulfurous yellow blade lit the room.  
  
Majin Buu had recovered by this time. I have to get to those kids! I need their strength to even have a prayer against that thing! Suddenly, a large Chi bolt vaporized the cement directly in front of him.  
  
"Ah, ah, ah, Majin Buu. Can't have that! Now, where were we, Cell?" Ph'lan disappeared. Cell was having difficulty tracking him. After nearly a minute, Ph'lan reappeared behind Cell and attempted to amputate his head. Somehow, he was able to avoid the strike. "How the..."  
  
Cell grinned arrogantly. "My Spider Sense was tingling." He began to bounce from wall to wall with blinding speed. Even with the power of the Force, Ph'lan had difficulty predicting his movements. Suddenly, Cell bounced into Ph'lan's back, sending the fighter sprawling. "Of course, the proportionate strength, speed and agility of a spider don't hurt either."  
  
"How..."  
  
"This dimension has been linked to several others for at least two weeks now. The computer used Phil's memories to determine which super-beings it would be best to include."  
  
"Damn my encyclopedic knowledge of comic books! I'll still win, Cell."  
  
"Flame On!" His body was wreathed in fire, and he began power up the flame. "Nova Flare!" The heat put out by Cell was about equal to that of the surface of the sun.  
  
Ph'lan raised his hands above his head. "Masenko!" The yellow blast of energy forced back the wall of flame, and then appeared to vaporize Cell. Ph'lan was rather shocked when Cell appeared directly behind him and caught him in the back of his head with a double-handed blow. "What?"  
  
Cell's voice took on a German lilt. "Nightcrawler's teleportation abilities are very useful, Ja?" Suddenly, he glowed, and a gray, metallic substance replaced his green skin. This time, he adopted a Russian accent. "Then again, comrade Colossus' power always was rather impressive." Phil sliced out, successfully amputating Cell's right arm. The being looked at the stump. The limb was already beginning to grow back. "Hmmm. This state would appear to slow me down. Definitely a dead end." His skin shifted to its normal composition, and he grinned. His exoskeleton pushed outwards in places, giving a rocky appearance. "It's Clobberin' Time!" He struck out, and Ph'lan had difficulty dodging the assault.  
  
"Shit!" Ph'lan was still more powerful than Cell. However, all of these curve balls the green creature kept throwing were tipping the balance. He briefly considered the Reality Checker, but remembered that Cell was infused with nanobot technology. He'd still be just as strong as he is now, and I wouldn't. Damn. "Y'know, I have a few skills of my own." He halted, and cupped his hands and built up some power. "Saotome ryu ougi*!" Ph'lan's opponent moved to block the perceived attack. Cell's Spider Sense began buzzing, but he couldn't react fast enough. Ph'lan struck out and caught Cell with a nasty uppercut. He followed up his strike with an improved Rapid Fire Kamehameha that reduced their surroundings to rubble. It was not a good day for insurance agencies across Japan.  
  
Cell wobbled unsteadily to his feet. "That was a cheap shot. Borrowing from Ranma again, I see. Now, a rapid-fire version of the Kamehameha? That was an impressive trick. I'll have to learn it. After I assimilate you."  
  
Ph'lan could sense that Cell was blowing smoke. "Cell, that blast weakened you more than your letting on. Your Chi dropped dramatically."  
  
"True enough. However, you cannot maintain this state forever. When your Fusion Dance wears off, I'll hold the advantage again." It was at that moment that a Time Hole opened up between the warriors. "What?"  
  
A girl who appeared about GoChibi's age exited the hole. She had flat, green hair that extended to the center of her back and a pleasant face. "Yes, you can fight two Mystical Warriors. But what about three?" She initiated the Mystical Powerup, and Ph'lan and Cell could sense that she was stronger than either Gohan or Phil.  
  
Cell narrowed his eyes. This girl is strong. Who is she?  
  
Majin Buu grinned sadistically. "I no longer need Gotenks to match these two. I'll feed off of this girl!" He raced forward, intent on swallowing her. With a speed that surprised all three combatants, she casually spun about and vaporized Majin Buu with a Chi bolt.  
  
Ph'lan looked at the scene in shock. "H-how? She's impossibly strong!"  
  
"Oh, hi Ph'lan. Queen Neo-Serenity says hello to both of you."  
  
Momentarily ignoring this new development, Ph'lan turned to face Cell. "It's obvious that you haven't reached your full potential yet. At the moment, we are too evenly matched to fight; a victory wouldn't be so much a matter of skill as luck."  
  
"You speak the truth. What do you propose?"  
  
"In one month, we shall have a battle. I think that should be plenty of time to train, don't you?"  
  
All I need to do is find those pesky Androids and I'll be able to mop the floor with this "Ph'lan." Cell smirked. "Agreed. Where shall this epic battle take place?"  
  
"I propose the Cursed Springs of Jusenkyo."  
  
"Very well. In exactly one month, I shall enjoy killing you."  
  
"The same to you." As soon as Cell was out of sight, Ph'lan reverted into Phil and Gohan.  
  
Phil shook his head to clear some cobwebs. "What a rush! I felt invincible!" Then, he remembered what they had said. "Just a moment, please." Phil flew up into the clouds.  
  
Gohan looked at the girl. "What's he doing?"  
  
"Probably talking to the Author again."  
  
"Ah. So, I see that you're from the future to. Are you my kid to?"  
  
"Nope. I have been instructed to keep my father's identity a secret."  
  
High above their head, Phil addressed Bobcat. "Yo! Bobcat!"  
  
What do you want?  
  
"I understand that you've had the bright idea to have me fight Cell at Jusenkyo. Might I enquire why?"  
  
Well, for one thing, it's isolated. For another, it's dangerous enough that the constant tingling will negate Cell's Spider Sense.  
  
"Ah, c'mon. The only reason any author puts their character at Jusenkyo Springs is so that they fall into the Spring of the Drowned Girl!"  
  
And your point is?  
  
"I don't wanna be a girl!"  
  
Oh, all right, I promise that you won't fall into the Spring of the Drowned Girl.  
  
"And I don't wanna turn into a pig or something really embarrassing like that."  
  
Tell you what; I swear that you won't fall into any of the springs. Happy?  
  
"Very." He floated on down.  
  
Little did Phil know that the author wasn't one to give up so easily.  
  
"I heard that!"  
  
D'oh! Just get back to the story already! Sheesh!  
  
Phil found Gohan and the girl chatting. "Sorry about the holdup. I needed to lay down the law with the author." For some reason, there was an ominous crack of lightning, but all three ignored it. "Now, what say we go back to HQ?"  
  
The girl nodded. She tapped a button on her wristwatch. "Jack, we need transport for five."  
  
"Roger that." A wormhole opened up nearby.  
  
Gohan queried, "Five?"  
  
"Oh, so your going to just leave your brother lying there?"  
  
"Oops." Gohan and Phil each grabbed a Saiyan. Phil looked at the girl. There's something familiar about her. "Who are you?"  
  
"My name's Omi. As you may have guessed, I'm from the future."  
  
"Where did you get that watch?"  
  
"I'm a junior member of the force." They flew into the swirling vortex.  
  
GoChibi was looking into the monitor. Her eyes lit up. "Omi! It'll be so good to see her again!"  
  
Goku looked down at his granddaughter. "Who is she?"  
  
"Oh, she's my best friend from the future. We're like sisters."  
  
"Was she always that strong?"  
  
"No. I don't know where she picked up the Mystical Powerup either. She wasn't ever anywhere close to this power level. I don't get it."  
  
Goku placed his hand on her shoulder. "That's alright, GoChibi. There's lots of stuff I don't understand. Like, when you put bread in the toaster, toast comes out. But where does the bread go? And why do you need to put in bread in the first place?"  
  
"Uh, Grandpa, toast is just cooked bread."  
  
"Oh. Well, I guess you learn something new every day**."  
  
GoChibi hugged him fiercely. "It's so good to see that you haven't changed a bit. Let's go see them!" She began pulling her Grandpa along.  
  
In transporter room A, the trio of fighters gave Goten and Trunks over to the awaiting medical personnel. GoChibi burst into the room. "Omi!"  
  
"GoChibi!" The two embraced.  
  
"It's been way too long!"  
  
"I know!" They began to speak at a very rapid clip. Phil could sense that they were using the Force to supplement what they were saying with mental images.  
  
Phil coughed into his hand. "So, I take it that you know each other?"  
  
Omi looked up. "Of course, Dad." GoChibi smacked her in the back of the head. "I mean, of course, Dad...io!"  
  
"Dadio? Are you trying to tell me that lingo from the 1950's reappeared in the Future?"  
  
"Uh, yes, you...swingin' hepcat! It's a very groovy place to be, dude!"  
  
"Omi, you just shot your story to hell. You combined lingo from at least three different decades. Would you mind telling me why you called me Dad?"  
  
Omi hugged him, causing several of his bones to crack. "Not this again!" Phil was unable to pry her off.  
  
"Oh, Daddy! I've missed you! I can't take your questioning anymore!"  
  
"I asked two questions. Wait a sec... you're my daughter?" She nodded. "Then, who's your mother?"  
  
"You told me not to tell you. Something about changing the time stream."  
  
"Oh, like telling me that you're my kid won't change the timeline."  
  
"Actually, you said that you remembered me telling you, but that you found out about Mom on you own."  
  
"Fine. Now, we have a month to prepare, so we'd better get going."  
  
GoChibi sighed. "I can't help! I'm way too weak! You saw how Buu tossed me around!"  
  
Omi grinned confidently. "Not once I'm done with you, you won't!"  
  
Gohan raised his eyebrow. "Speaking of which, where did you learn the Mystic Powerup, anyways?"  
  
"Oh, right before I left I spent two days in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber with the Supreme Kai. He did his little spell and left, so I mostly had Artoo for company."  
  
"Wait a sec... Artoo? As in R2-D2? Where did you get that?"  
  
"The Physics Police have just about anything you can imagine at the General Store."  
  
Phil scratched his chin. "Note to self: get some shopping time in. Now, Goku, I don't want you or the others interfering."  
  
The Saiyan looked at Phil in shock. "Hold it! You'll need our help!"  
  
"Not quite. You see, I think that the Fusion Dance will give us the boost we need. Besides, you just can't maintain the necessary level of power for long enough to help us. Remember what happened to Gotenks."  
  
Goku sighed. "Very well. I just hope you know what you're doing."  
  
Phil pointed at Omi and GoChibi. "Here's living proof that I do." He faced Gohan, GoChibi and Omi. "C'mon, we have to go get Ralph and Ecks."  
  
Gohan looked at Phil with a look of confusion on his face. "Why me?"  
  
"We've fused before, and I think that you can only fuse with one person in your lifetime. I could be wrong, but I don't feel like taking any chances. Besides, you saw how well we did against Cell."  
  
Omi queried, "Where are we going?"  
  
"We're going to go visit the "greatest scientific mind in the Universe."  
  
GoChibi said, "Washuu?"  
  
"You got it." The quartet of fighters left to fetch the rest of SU5.  
  
End Part 20  
  
What does Phil want with Washuu? Who is Omi's mother? These questions may or may not be answered in the next chapter of the Ballad of the Physics Police!  
  
*The Japanese name for the "Saotome Desperation Move." Having no "raw" Anime, Ralph used the English version. As you may recall, Ralph used it against the Sailor Senshi in chapter 9.  
  
**Does anybody really think this is out of character for Goku? 


	21. Training At Tenchi's

Part 21  
  
Training at Tenchi's  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ, Sailor Moon, Tenchi Muyo etc.  
  
Author's Note: For those wondering, I will be using the Tenchi Universe Timeline for this story. It takes place about three months before they go off into space to stop Kagato from usurping the throne of Jurai.  
  
It was another beautiful day at the Masaki shrine. The sun was just beginning to rise over the mountains, and the light seemed to dance on the lake. It had been about a week since Washuu's machine had rewritten reality, and things were beginning to return to normal. At least, as normal as things ever got around there.  
  
Ayeka, the First Princess of Jurai, was pulling on Tenchi's right arm. "Ryoko, you tramp! Lord Tenchi loves ME!"  
  
The space pirate had a hold of Tenchi's left appendage. "Hah! He could never love anybody like you! He already loves ME! Right Tenchi?"  
  
Tenchi sighed. If only I had a spine. Future Emperor of Jurai or not, his life really sucked. It was bad enough that the two had gone so far as to completely rewrite reality to ensnare him, but in the aftermath, their rivalry had become worse. He stood up.  
  
Ayeka looked at him with stars in her eyes. "Tenchi! Are you finally going to tell this horrible woman off?" Ryoko said the same thing simultaneously.  
  
"No, I was just going to go out to the dock and throw some rocks. Now let go of me!" They complied. The young man walked despondently along the small pier that extended into the lake. He didn't know why they had it, considering that they had never owned a boat. However, it was a good place to think, since he was far enough away from the house to be part of nature, but close enough so that he could respond to whatever crisis would occur that day. He could see it now. "They're probably having some sort of battle because each blames the other for me leaving." It was at this moment that a bolt of Chi slammed into the side of the house, blasting away most of the east wall. He then heard screaming as each accused the other of firing the shot. Once again, he sighed. He'd found himself doing that a lot since he had met the alien girls. "It's like clockwork with those two." A movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. "What's that?"  
  
Tenchi, being the heir to the power of Jurai, had been doing some training with his grandfather to unlock his potential. He could sense that there were four beings incoming, and that they had greater strength than anybody he had ever met. Tenchi groaned. "Not another evil alien invader!" He saw that they were coming directly for him. He decided to make no move to intercept them. If they had come to end his life, at least they couldn't fight over him any more. They zipped past him, causing a massive wave that almost washed him into the lake. He clutched the side of the dock and sputtered, "What the hell was that?"  
  
It was Phil, Gohan, Omi and GoChibi. Phil politely rapped at the door. At that moment, the quartet of warriors were engulfed by a massive Chi bolt. When the smoke cleared, they were unharmed. Phil called out. "Excuse me? Anybody?" It looked as if Mihoshi and Kione had gone out on patrol, leaving Ayeka and Ryoko alone with Tenchi. Slightly louder, Phil said, "Excuse me!" While he talked, Ayeka used her force field to deflect another of Ryoko's energy beams. Now Phil was pissed; he didn't like being ignored. Those two aren't ever gonna finish this fight. Ryoko can't get past Ayeka's Juraian defensive powers, but Ayeka has very little in the way of offensive techniques. I'd say that their battles continue until one or the other gets bored. Using his superior speed, Phil appeared between Ayeka and Ryoko. "Yo! You have company!" The space pirate released the attack meant for Ayeka. Phil grabbed it with his bare hands and flung it out a nearby hole in the wall. It exploded in the  
lake, sending Tenchi into the drink. He summoned his own ball of Chi. The pair gawked at the powerful energy ball. "Do I have your attention now?"  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Well, Princess, my name is Phil. I'm with the Physics Police, and I would like to know if Washuu is home."  
  
Ayeka looked at him. "The what Police?"  
  
"Never mind. You might strain your fragile little brain."  
  
Ryoko studied his face. "Hey, I know you! You were at the World Martial Arts Tournament!"  
  
"Yes, I was. Now, can somebody please answer my question?" He cocked his arm back, ready to through the attack.  
  
Ryoko put up her hands in a conciliatory gesture. "Why do you want to talk to her?"  
  
"What are you, you're mother's keeper? I thought you hated her."  
  
"You've got a point there." Ryoko jerked her thumb over her back, indicating a large wooden door. "That's the door to her lab, but nobody gets in unless she let's `em in, or leaves the door unlocked."  
  
Phil grinned. "We'll see about that." Flicking on his Reality Checker, Phil walked up to the door. The field interfered with whatever energy flow Washuu's pseudoscientific, semi mystical technology used made the door invincible. Then, taking a simple lock pick, Phil unlocked the door and stepped in. After a few moments, it opened again and he looked at his companions. "Hey, guys! You commin' or what?" The trio of warriors followed him, and the lovesick aliens went back to their battle.   
  
As they descended a flight of stairs, they saw marvelous things never dreamed of by the human mind. Phil looked up at what looked to be some sort of prototype fusion reactor and snorted. "Ours are half that size."  
  
After a few minutes, they found Washuu. The short scientist had long, Super Saiyan style red hair. Phil coughed. "Excuse me?"  
  
She jumped up in surprise, forgetting the invention she'd been working on. "Who?"  
  
"I'm Phil. I'm with the Physics Police."  
  
She panicked. "D-don't worry, officer! I haven't been messing with reality again! Here, I have my license! See! See!"  
  
Phil waved the hysterical woman down. "You haven't done anything wrong. Yet. I was just wondering if you could do us a favor."  
  
She raised an eyebrow. "What kind of favor?"  
  
"First, you can manipulate the flow of time in one of your little pocket dimensions, right?"  
  
"Easily!"  
  
"Second question: can you slow it down so that exactly one earth day equals exactly one year?"  
  
"Nope. On a whim, I tried something similar to that once, but the best I was able to do was turn one year into two, and you couldn't leave ahead of time without destabilizing the time field. If I really put all of my energy into it, I could figure it out in about... five weeks."  
  
Phil cursed under his breath. "Well, how about manipulating gravity? Say, maybe be able to amplify a planet's gravitational field to about... 500 times, maybe?"  
  
"Oh, that's child's play! The gravity room is down that hall, third door on the left."  
  
Phil was confused. He had expected to have to wait while Washuu made this kind of chamber. After all, there wasn't anybody around capable of, training at that kind of level. "Why would you have a Gravity Room?"  
  
"I assume your going to train in it, right?" He nodded. "There are other uses for this kind of thing besides increasing Chi powers. For any vehicles I make, it's an excellent test of how much stress the frame can take." Again, Phil nodded.  
  
"So, you'll let us use it?"  
  
"Why wouldn't I?"  
  
"Well, it's just that you don't normally give stuff away..."  
  
"Oh, speaking of payment, I'll need to run some tests on you for my data banks."  
  
Phil sighed. "I saw that coming. You can have Gohan. I'll go make some arrangements with Tenchi's grandfather." Phil and the girls swiftly left, leaving behind a confused Saiyan.  
  
"Now just wait one minute here..."  
  
Washuu grabbed him by the hand. "Come along, guinea pig!"  
  
Gohan was extremely afraid. "What's Phil gotten me into this time?"  
  
Grandfather (everybody called him that, even those unrelated to him) was in the shrine. He heard Ryoko and Ayeka's morning fight and checked his watch. "Hmmm. I'm two minutes fast." He made the proper adjustments, and then halted as four energy signatures with more strength than anything he had ever felt before. "What is this?" He crouched into a lotus position and stretched out his consciousness. He lost sight of them for a moment. They must have gone into Washuu's lab. I can never sense what's going on in those little dimensions that she insists on creating. Where four had gone in, three returned. Two of them remained at the house. He could sense that Ayeka and Ryoko's battle auras collapsed. These invaders are too strong! Suddenly, a voice came from behind him.  
  
"Hello, Yosho."  
  
The old man was surprised for two reasons. First of all, as the Champion of Jurai, he had been counted among the most powerful warriors in the Universe. There was no way this man should have been able to enter the room without him noticing it. Second, nobody knew that he was Yosho, the long absent Prince of Jurai. He stammered, "W-who is this Yosho?"  
  
"Yosho. Prince of Jurai. Your remember. You came to Earth a couple generations back, and decided that you liked the place. You're Tenchi's Grandfather."  
  
He assumed a fighting stance. "Who are you? What do you want?"  
  
"Calm down, old man. If I wanted you dead, you wouldn't have even known I was here. As for my name, I'm Phil and I'm a Physics Policeman."  
  
"The Physics Police?" Grandfather relaxed. "You look familiar."  
  
"My Dad said that he met you once. Something about a rogue Saiyan and a wormhole."  
  
"Yes, I believe his name was Frank, right?" Phil nodded. "How is he?"  
  
"He's been dead for some time now."  
  
"You have my condolences. Now, why are you here today?"  
  
"Well, a being by the name of Cell has attacked the planet, and I require some assistance."  
  
Grandfather sighed. "I am sorry, but I am too old to fight one that would give you pause, and Tenchi is too inexperienced to fight that kind of evil."  
  
"Well, it is rather fortunate that I don't require your assistance on the battlefield then. All I ask is for permission to live here for a month."  
  
"Why here?"  
  
"I figure this is the last place Cell would look for us. Besides, having the self-proclaimed greatest scientist in the universe backing you up doesn't hurt either."  
  
Yosho grinned. "Yes, Washuu is impressive, isn't she? Very well. You have my leave to remain here as long as you need to."  
  
"Thank you, Yosho."  
  
"Please, don't call me that in front of the others. They really have no idea of my true identity."  
  
"OK, and thanks, Grandfather." Phil flew off to report this development to his allies.  
  
"He reminds me so much of his father." Grandfather went back to his meditation.  
  
* * * *  
  
Back in Washuu's lab:  
  
Gohan was strapped onto a cold, sterile table. Washuu had hooked up various monitors to him. He even had sensors on his tongue! Washuu had also insisted that he remove the Saiyan Battle Armor he had procured from Bulma. "Ah you finithed yet?"  
  
"Don't talk with your mouth full. And yes, you're free to go." As quickly as he could, Gohan crammed himself into his clothes and flew up the stairs.  
  
Gohan was upset. "I'm going to have a long talk with Phil.  
  
* * *  
  
Later:  
  
Gohan looked about the gravity room and was impressed. "She managed to pack all this into the basement? Cool!"  
  
Phil surveyed their surroundings. The room resembled a gymnasium; there were various weights and exercise machines, as well as a pool and a field. "Actually, she makes a habit of creating miniature dimensions. We are no longer in your home universe." He chuckled. "I hear that it took centuries for the Physics Police to figure out why there were tiny chunks of reality popping out of nowhere. Of course, then there was that incident where she created that device that could reshape reality." He shuddered. "It was utter chaos; all of our field agents were assimilated, so we had no way of determining what was going on. Thank God that she managed to fix it, or else it might have caused a chain reaction of pure chaos. We've been keeping a close eye on her since that incident."  
  
Omi and GoChibi were chatting. Phil cupped his hand to his mouth. "Hey girls! There'll be plenty of time for that after we save the fabric of reality!"  
  
Gohan said, "So, what's the game plan?"  
  
"Step one: we spend about a week getting used to the higher gravity." He pulled out a small remote control Washuu had given him. "This thing can simulate Earth's gravity times two thousand. I'm starting with two hundred." He pressed the button, and the lights in the room began to glow dark red. I still can't figure out why it does that in DBZ universes! Given the power of the room's inhabitants, it wasn't surprising that it had little effect. "Now, we spar. Gohan, we're going to have a little father-daughter bonding."  
  
Phil powered up, and Omi followed suit. "I'm not holding back; I saw what you did to Majin Buu." The girl nodded. The two began to exchange blows. Phil struck out three times with is right hand. His first punch was blocked, as was the second. The third landed home, sending the girl sprawling. Phil was worried until he saw her leap back onto her feet. She attempted to catch him with a right kick, only to have her leg pass through his afterimage. She couldn't find him for a moment, but Phil's left hook almost caught her in the temple. She grabbed his arm and flipped him over her shoulder. Phil landed with a thud.  
  
"So, looks like I didn't neglect your training."  
  
"Not in the slightest." Omi grinned arrogantly.  
  
"Now you learn why brains always beats brawn." He faded out and attempted to catch her in the back of the head. She dodged, only to have Phil catch her in the gut with his knee. Then, a barrage of punches rained down on her. Far too many to have come from one man.  
  
"Solar Flare!" There was a bright flash, and Phil was forced to look away. When the light cleared, she had rendered three men identical to Phil unconscious. "The Multi-Form technique, eh? It let you land more blows, but it made you too weak to hurt me."  
  
"Impressive." The three unconscious forms were converted into energy and absorbed by the fourth Phil. "When I pulled that on GoChibi, she couldn't figure out what was going on, so I managed to beat her. You've got a good head on your shoulders."  
  
"I take after you." Phil unclipped his lightsaber, and Omi followed suit. "Lightsaber training?"  
  
"Yup. I figure that's one advantage Cell doesn't have." They triggered their weapons, and Omi's blade was the same shade of yellow as Phil's. "Hey, that's mine!"  
  
"You gave it to me."  
  
"Alright, enough fooling around. Let the real training begin." The energies of the Mystical Powerup surrounded both warriors.  
  
Later that night, at the dinner table:  
  
Sasami had really outdone herself. After being informed by Phil that, quote, "You've got gluttons amongst you that make Ryoko look like Ally McBeal," she had decided to triple her usual serving sizes. However, the quantity hadn't affected the quality of the meal, and the Saiyans and their companions kept coming in for more. As Omi scraped some more vegetable tempura onto her plate, she said, "Training at two hundred times Earth's gravity really gives you an appetite!"  
  
Ayeka looked at GoChibi. The proper introductions had already been made, and their various life stories had been swapped. The future Moon Princess inhaled another pile of noodles. "That isn't any way for a Princess to eat!"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"It isn't mannerly!"  
  
"But..."  
  
Phil joined in. "Actually, Ayeka, I was wondering about that myself. I videotaped her eating, and, when you slow it down, she has more manners than the Queen of England. It just looks sloppy because she's so fast."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Phil addressed the group. "Does anybody have any idea where Mihoshi and Kione are?"  
  
"They're still on patrol. They called awhile back, and said that they'd run into some pirates."  
  
"Thanks, Sasami." Phil ate another chunk of Teriyaki. Realizing that he'd run out of topics, Phil decided to ask a question that had plagued him for years. "Say, has anybody ever noticed that Ayeka is Tenchi's great aunt?"  
  
This caused Ayeka to turn beat red and snort the tea she had been drinking out her nose. Rubbing her nose, she yelled, "How dare you!?"  
  
Tenchi was pondering this development. "Y'know, he's right. And all this time, you've been trying to get me to... GROSS!" He quickly dashed upstairs, looking for the bathroom so that he could expel the contents of his stomach.  
  
Ryoko grinned at Phil. "A man after my own heart!"  
  
Gohan was confused. "Wait a second... she isn't old enough to be Tenchi's great aunt."  
  
"Actually, the Juraians are an incredibly long lived race, thanks to the energy they absorb from their trees. Ayeka here is over a thousand years old."  
  
"Stop that! You never mention a lady's age! Why do you insist on embarrassing me?"  
  
"What, Gohan's never met you people before. We all know it anyways, so what's the harm in telling?"  
  
"You brute!"  
  
At that moment, the pair of Galaxy Police officers entered the room from one of the many holes in the wall. Mihoshi's stomach grumbled audibly. "Is there any food left?"  
  
Gohan looked up from his rice. "Sure!"  
  
Phil looked up. "Hello..." He paused as he met Kione's gaze. Suddenly, in the back of his mind, he could here some romantic music playing.  
  
"Why do birds, suddenly appear? Every time, that you're near?"  
  
In Kione's brain, much the same was happening. However, the music playing was the Juraian equivalent, "Why do meteors keep running into my ship when you're around?" (At first, they had assumed that it was love at first sight. They later determined that some radio waves had interfered with their brain waves for some unexplainable reason.)  
  
Phil looked from Omi, to Kione. Omi. Kione. They shared the same hair. Their faces were identical. Their postures were similar; they had the same professional air. Heck, their Chi signatures were almost identical. Kione? I marry Kione? He looked at Mihoshi. Of course! She's my soul mate! The only police officer in the galaxy whose life sucks as much as mine! He stood up and stretched his hand out to her. "Hello. My name is Phil." She was still on verse three (Why do supernovas seem to occur more frequently when you go near red giants?"), and robotically shook his hand.  
  
"Hi, Phil. I'm Kione."  
  
Mihoshi bumped her aside and grabbed his hand. "And I'm Mihoshi! How are you?"  
  
"Back off, flake!" Mihoshi ran upstairs sobbing. Of course, she grabbed a plate of Yakisoba first.  
  
Kione's estimation of the man grew immeasurably. "Wow! You think as little of Mihoshi as I do!"  
  
Ryoko also liked this guy. "Hey Phil, thanks for eliminating my competition."  
  
Ayeka glared at Ryoko. "You demon woman! Why would Tenchi ever wish to marry you?"  
  
"I don't know, Auntie! Why don't you use your thousand years of experience to tell me?"  
  
"Why you..."  
  
Phil's battle aura flared. The two cowered before his might. Phil didn't like being interrupted when he was making time with attractive women. "Would you mind taking this outside? Now!" The two ran off, Ryoko with her tail literally between her legs. Phil turned back to Kione. "You think Mihoshi's bad? Let me tell you about a guy I know named Warren." The two began conversing. They continued trading tales from the trenches long after the dinner table had been cleared.  
  
End Part 21  
  
Phil + Kione. It makes sense, doesn't it? Until very recently, Phil's career had sucked. There was a brief stretch (the World Martial Arts Tournament and shortly after) where Phil had a good time. Then, getting beat up by Vegeta, Majin Buu and Cell in quick succession brought him back into total bummer territory. Kione, I decided, was the only woman in the known universe who could sympathize with him. Also, we saw some more of Phil's maliciously evil side this episode; more of that to come. 


	22. Ralph Runs Interference

Part 22  
  
Ralph Runs Interference  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything featured except for the Physics Police.  
  
Piccolo's Watchtower  
  
Universe FC-1  
  
Ralph and Ecks exited the Hyperbolic Time Chamber. Before going off to train, Phil's instructions had been to go train for a day in the Chamber. Now, after a year of effort, the pair had grown much stronger. Ralph's exercises had been more focused on the Force, while Ecks had attempted increase her manna potential. Ralph sighed. "That day just seemed to drag on and on, ya know?"  
  
His companion groaned. "That wasn't funny the first thousand times you said it, and it gets worse by the second."  
  
"Whatever. Now, we have to find Android 17."  
  
"You mean that girl who we were playing cards with?"  
  
"No, that was 18. 17 is her brother."  
  
"Why do we need him? Is he strong enough to help us against Cell?"  
  
"Do you particularly care?" She shook her head. "Well, in that case, I'll give you the condensed version. Cell and the Androids were both created by an evil genius named Doctor Geroe. Cell isn't at his maximum potential, nor is he in his optimum state. Geroe designed him so that he would become infinitely more powerful if he absorbed Androids 17 and 18. 18 is back at HQ, so she's out of Cell's grasp. However, 17 is out communing with nature somewhere. We need to find him before Cell does."  
  
Ecks took out her scouter. Ralph waved her down. "That thing's just a toy. The Androids don't produce any Chi, so you can't use that thing to find them."  
  
"Then what do you propose?"  
  
"They're really cyborgs, so they still have some contact with the Force."  
  
"Wait a sec... don't all life forms produce the Force?"  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"If he's out in the woods, won't he be masked by the sheer number of creatures?"  
  
"D'oh! That means we'll have to check every forest in Japan! Thank God they're so industrialized that there aren't very many of those left!" He pulled out his map, and then went to the geographical index. "OK, there's a forest about ten kilometers north of here. You check that out. Use your flare gun; he might just notice you."  
  
"What're you going to do?"  
  
Ralph began listening to a Police Radio. "Cell isn't being very stealthy. He's been sighted about... three kilometers south of Tokyo. I'll keep him busy, while you search. I'm having Joshua in the records department sift through the broadcasts for the past day to figure out where Cell's already looked, so we can eliminate those forests. Here's a picture of Android 17. Got that?"  
  
"Yes sir!" She flew off.  
  
Ralph readied his lightsaber. "Here's hoping that the Force is with me today." Using manna to achieve flight, he hoped he wasn't speeding towards his death.  
  
A few minutes later:  
  
Cell was floating over a highway that ran through a thick stand of trees. He inhaled deeply, and spoke in a booming voice that could be heard for kilometers. "I know you're here somewhere, Android 17! Come out before I vaporize this entire forest!" He sent a Chi bolt down, vaporizing a Mack truck. "Until you come out and face me, a person dies every minute!"  
  
"That isn't very sporting, Cell."  
  
"Who... oh, it's only you, Ralph. For a second there, I was worried."  
  
"You should be. I'm going to have to kill you now."  
  
Cell began to laugh. "That's funny, Jedi. Now run off before you annoy me."  
  
He ignited his lightsaber. The red shaft of light extended for a meter. "I'll do more than annoy you, Cell."  
  
"Bug off, insect." Cell threw another Chi bolt at a nearby Honda. Cell was surprised when it did a U-turn and flew back at him. Despite his Spider Sense, Cell didn't react quickly enough to avoid the strike. It exploded upon coming into contact with him. It did no damage, but Cell was shocked nonetheless. "What?"  
  
"The Force is my ally."  
  
"What do you know? Me to!" He attempted to fling Ralph to the unyielding concrete beneath his feet. Ralph floated there as if nothing had happened. "What? But I inherited the Force abilities of Phil and GoChibi!"  
  
"Those two are nothing compared to the mastery I now wield."  
  
"You weren't this powerful before... I would have sensed you!"  
  
"The Hyperbolic Time Chamber is an amazing little thing, isn't it?"  
  
Cell's eyes widened. "Of course! That explains everything! But, you must realize that you're nothing compared to my other talents."  
  
"Care to try me?"  
  
"Very well. Flame On!" Cell's body was engulfed in flame, and he sent a tongue of fire at Ralph. The Jedi simply parted the flames so that they went around him.  
  
"You can do better than that, Cell."  
  
Next, the composite warrior tried Superman's heat vision. "Burn!"  
  
Ralph, alerted by the Force, used his lightsaber to parry the twin beams of light. They flew back towards Cell, who barely managed to avoid the strike. Cell's skin turned a brighter shade of green. "You make Cell angry! And the madder Cell gets, the stronger Cell gets! Cell smash!"  
  
"Thank you for sharing, Cell. Now, let's try some pronouns." Ralph used the Force to deflect or avoid each punch. Ralph sliced out with his lightsaber, hacking away Cell's right hand. Then, Ralph grabbed Cell with the Force and sent him flying into an abandoned gasoline truck. The massive green creature lay there for a few moments, attempting to regain his senses. That was all the time Ralph needed. Scraping a chunk of Toyota against the side of the truck, he created sparks. One struck the growing pool of gasoline, causing a massive explosion.  
  
As the raging inferno consumed the truck, a charred Cell reappeared behind Ralph. "I hate you." Cell had regenerated his missing limb by this time. "You're good at distracting me, but you can't hold out forever."  
  
"Do not grow too proud of your inherited Z fighter talents. The ability to destroy a planet is nothing compared to the power of the Force." Of course, Ralph spoke with a confidence he didn't feel. His head was beginning to pound due to the pressure he was putting himself through. Ralph gestured with his hands, and Cell began to feel a pressure on his throat. He ignored it for a few moments, but the pressure grew. "That's annoying, but you of all people should know I don't have to breathe."  
  
Ralph smacked his forehead. "D'oh!" He had forgotten that Cell had the ability to survive in space, inherited from Freeza. He complied.  
  
While Cell rubbed his throat (he didn't need to breathe, but it was still painful), Ralph went on the offensive, slashing with his lightsaber. Cell faded out of existence, and then reappeared behind Ralph. The Jedi scarcely had time to bring up a magic forcefield before Cell's three-fingered fist smashed him into oblivion.  
  
He slashed again, hoping the Ecks was having better luck than he was.  
  
* * *  
  
"Hello! Android 17! Are you here?" Ecks was floating above a national park about twenty kilometers from Ralph's battle. She saw a trail of smoke. Hoping that it was his campsite, she flew in. She found a family of four. A little girl pointed up.  
  
"Look, Mom! It's Sailor Jupiter!"  
  
"That's nice, dear. Now, would you mind helping me with the firewood?"  
  
Ecks sighed and flew off. "If there are others here, I'm betting that Android 17 isn't." She decided to limit her search to parks of limit to the general public.  
  
* * *  
  
Ten Minutes Later:  
  
Cell's body converted into ice. Ralph nodded. "Iceman, right?"  
  
"You got it." The air around Ralph became much colder, and he quickly found himself trapped in a block of ice. "I win." Suddenly, the ice began to glow and melt. Ralph sat in the center of the large puddle, shivering. "How did you get out?"  
  
"I used the F-f-f-f-force to excite the frozen water molecules. S-s-s-s-so take th-th-th-that Cell!"  
  
"Improved Kamehameha!" The laser bolt flashed towards Ralph, and the Jedi barely managed to deflect the beam in time. "You make me very angry. Shi Shi Houkou Dan!" The purple beam of energy flew out at Ralph.  
  
"Zefeer Etim, Chronos fo eman eht Ni!" Ralph grinned as Cell and the massive bolt of anger powered Chi were frozen in time. Calmly floating up behind Cell, Ralph proceeded to slice him in half. Then, he was forced to exhale, and time proceeded at its normal speed. Cell flopped to the ground.  
  
"I'll kill you for that!" Already, his lower half was regenerating.  
  
Ralph used another spell. "D'undertholtes fo Zuse elend mir!" The lightning bolts crackled down and struck Cell, bringing about third degree burns across his body. He screamed in pain. Cell seemed to black out for a moment. "It can't have been that easy. He shouldn't have gone down that quickly. Unless..." Another Cell appeared behind him. "The Multiform Technique!"  
  
The burned Cell converted into energy and was reabsorbed, along with the other duplicates. Cell punched Ralph, sending him to the ground. Cell stood over him with an egotistical smirk on his face. "Bingo. You put up quite a fight. However, both your manna and Force reserves are pitifully low. I'll enjoy absorbing you." Cell cocked hi tail back, ready to strike. However, Ralph had other ideas.  
  
"Valkyrie Beam!" The yellow beam didn't even have time to assume the shape of a horse and rider. The magical assault simply blasted into Cell, and he disappeared for a moment. When the light cleared, the right side of Cell's body had been blasted away.  
  
"How did you summon that energy so quickly?"  
  
"Phil isn't the only one who can make attacks more efficient." Slashing with his lightsaber, Ralph cleaved Cell in half. "VALKYRIE BEAM!" Putting the last of his energy into the attack, Ralph managed to vaporize what remained of Cell. He panted, and collapsed to the pavement. He couldn't sense Cell with either his manna or Force techniques. "Is he...dead?" He lay there for a few moments, attempting to gather enough strength to call for a wormhole. That was when Cell reappeared directly above him. "How..."  
  
"So long as one Cell of me is alive, I can bring myself back." He was significantly stronger; having just come back from the brink of death, that Saiyan trait gave him more power. "You get an A for effort, though."  
  
"Planet X beam!" The magical assault caught Cell off guard, and he was thrown back. Ralph slowly turned his face to see Ecks standing there with Android 17. The black haired man looked as confident as ever.  
  
"You found him. Good." He tapped his watch. "Transport for three. Now!" The wormhole opened up, and they exited universe FC-1. As they floated through the space between dimensions, Ralph glared at Ecks. "Did you have to wait till the last minute?"  
  
"I had only just gotten there. Sorry." Android 17 was screaming; a fairly typical reaction to being pulled into a hole in reality. They landed on the cushions. However, Ecks' high heels couldn't take the strain of the impact; one of the heels snapped off and she bounced onto the hard, red earth. "Ouchies."  
  
Ralph grinned. "Any landing you can walk away from is a good one."  
  
"Tell that to my shoes. This is the third time this week!"  
  
"Whatever. We should give Phil a call."  
  
Android 17 looked in awe at the massive structure before him. "Where am I?"  
  
"Ecks, you wanna explain, or should I?"  
  
"I did it for Piccolo. It's your turn."  
  
"Oh, all right. You see, 17, there are multiple realities..." As the reader, you already know the rest, so I'm skipping it. By the time Ralph finished his explanation, Ralph had escorted the android to where the other Z fighters were staying.  
  
Android 18 eyed 17 in the same cold manner that she did everything else. "Hello, brother. It is good to see you again."  
  
"The same. I never expected Cell to return. However, it is good that we have such powerful allies." Android 17 eyed Ralph. "How were you able to fight Cell? You're too weak to give Krillin here a good workout."  
  
The short warrior protested. "Hey!"  
  
"You guys only think in terms of physical strength. I draw upon the Force and magic. Basically, if I can imagine it, it can become reality. I could move this planet if I had to, but it would take a lot of energy."  
  
"I see."  
  
Ralph moved for the exit. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take a nap. Using the Force at that intensity really wears you out."  
  
Ralph took the elevator to the proper level, and went down to room 18. When he arrived, Rei was watching TV. "Hey, Rei. Long time no see."  
  
"What? You've only been gone a day."  
  
"Never mind. I was going to get a bite to eat. Wanna come?"  
  
"Sure." She switched off the Television. "I can't believe it. Millions of channels, drawn from the multitude of realities, and there still isn't anything good on!"  
  
"That's one of the many mysteries that even the Physics Police can't figure out." They left the quarters, Rei dangling from Ralph's arm.  
  
Back at the Masaki shrine:  
  
Phil suddenly shuddered. Gohan punched him across the nose, sending him flying. "Phil? What happened?"  
  
"It was that odd feeling again."  
  
"You mean the one where several natural laws were simultaneously broken?"  
  
"That's the one. It's probably nothing important." Phil kicked Gohan's feet out from under him. At seven hundred times Earth's gravity, Gohan slammed down into the floor and was only stopped when he collided with the barrier of Washuu's pocket dimension.  
  
"Ouch."  
  
Meanwhile, Cell was blasting the forest to smithereens and cursing in languages that nobody on Earth spoke. "That bastard! Now I'll never reach my full potential! Damn! Looks like I'll have to get stronger the old fashioned way." He flew off in search of a suitable training ground.  
  
End Part 22  
  
Not a very long chapter; I'm just setting up a few events for later. 


	23. Of Gravity Rooms and Nobility

Part 23  
  
Of Gravity Rooms and Nobility  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: I don't know why I even bother writing these anymore. Oh well. I own nothing except the Physics Police.  
  
Washuu's Gravity Room, Dimension FC-1-Pocket-492  
  
Days until battle with Cell: 23  
  
Omi awoke. The girl from the future attempted to stretch her arms to yawn, but found herself unable to move. She felt as if she was being crushed. "Dad! What's going on?"  
  
Phil stood over her. "Well Omi, if you'd woken up before 10 A.M., you would know that I increased the gravity to its maximum this morning. We've figured out that unless you power up, you can't move an inch. I'd suggest using that little Mystical Powerup of yours." The air around the girl began to shimmer. "Good! Now, come on!" Phil pulled the blankets out from under her, sending her spinning. She attempted use her powers of flight to stop the fall, but miscalculated badly and slammed into the ground. Yet another hole into the border of the pocket dimension was opened.  
  
"Ouch." Putting all of her concentration into the effort, Omi levitated from the hole. "So, we've just about got the gravity training done. Now what?"  
  
"Today, we just continue training as normal. Your partner today will be GoChibi."  
  
"But I'm way stronger than her!"  
  
"Or so you think. C'mon!" Phil and Gohan flew off to a corner of the room. Over the past several days, Washuu's pocket dimension was becoming more and more damaged.  
  
Omi looked at her best friend. There was something different about her today. It took her a moment to realize that she was dressed in a pink sailor fuku. Omi chuckled. "I thought you hated that ridiculous thing."  
  
"I do!" she grumbled. "Phil said that transforming would help me unlock my true potential or something like that."  
  
"He has a point, GoChibi. If those things give the other Senshi enough power to combat demons, then think of the boost it could give a Super Saiyan!"  
  
GoChibi snorted. "Daddy's girl. Besides, like Phil used to tell us all the time."  
  
"Any idiot with a sniper rifle could take out a youma. Yeah yeah yeah. Now, let's get down to business." GoChibi's hair turned blond and stood on end, while a yellow aura surrounded her. The energy ate away at the floor beneath her, and caused various bits of debris to rise off the ground. Omi raised her eyebrow. She wondered why she was using her old, inefficient transformation. She shrugged. If her best friend was going to be inefficient, then that was her problem. Omi decided to end the match quickly by catching her in the back of the head with a roundhouse punch. She was very surprised when GoChibi simply stood there. The double-fisted blow seemed to pass through the Moon Princess. She tripped and landed face first into the floor. This time, she only made a small crater.  
  
Omi was shocked. She hadn't even seen her move. "How the hell did you do that?"  
  
"Use your full power and I'll tell you." Omi complied, and the debris was forced upwards by the waves of power. This debris included Gohan, who was lifted out of the way of Phil's Chi bolt.  
  
Phil didn't like missing. "Will you two cut that out?"  
  
"Sorry!" Omi looked GoChibi in the eye. "Now, where were we?"  
  
The two were just about evenly matched. GoChibi held a slight advantage in pure power, but Omi was slightly faster. Omi was using her superior reach to her advantage, but it wasn't enough to guarantee victory. GoChibi fell back. "Masenko!" The yellow burst of energy flew out. Omi barely managed to dodge it in time. However, while she was focusing on the energy attack, GoChibi zipped in and kicked her in the gut. She followed up that assault with another Masenko, which ripped out a large portion of the floor.  
  
Seeing this, Phil sighed. "Washuu's not going to be happy. At this rate, we'll destroy this place before the week's over."  
  
Omi ceased using the Mystical Powerup; she simply couldn't maintain her focus any longer. Phil turned the gravity to normal levels. GoChibi reverted to her normal state as well. "Oops. Looks like I put too much power behind that last blast."  
  
"Yes, you did. Your lucky that we just got in another batch of Senzu beans." He placed the bean in his daughter's mouth. After a few moments, her eyes opened again.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"You didn't take her seriously, that's what!"  
  
"How did she get so strong?"  
  
"Well, you see, earlier this morning."  
  
The air rippled. Omi queried, "What's that?"  
  
"That is a flashback. You see, they are an ingenious plot device when used properly. And you just ruined it. Now, like I was saying, earlier this morning."  
  
Author's note: Flashback in progress. Fasten your safety belts.  
  
Phil splashed Gohan with a bucket of water. "Wake up, sleepyhead!"  
  
The Saiyan coughed and sputtered for several moments. "Wha. where am I. oh yeah."  
  
"I'd like to talk to you about your daughter's lack of progress."  
  
"What do you mean? She's about on par with a level two Super Saiyan!"  
  
"Which isn't enough. You saw how easily Majin Buu took her out without absorbing Gotenks. Now imagine what Cell would do to her. We need to get her up to the next level."  
  
"Any ideas?"  
  
"I'm glad you asked." Phil had turned down the gravity, and Ralph had joined them.  
  
A few minutes later, GoChibi heard Cell's harsh voice. "Wake up." She opened her eyes to see the green monster standing over her.  
  
"Cell!?" She powered up to Super Saiyan. Her pink hair turned blonde at the roots, and she was surrounded by a dull yellow glow.  
  
"Don't bother, girl. Phil and Gohan were unable to beat me. What chance do you have?" He pointed, indicating the unconscious forms of her father figures.  
  
"Dad! Phil!"  
  
"Say goodbye." He turned his hand towards Phil and vaporized him where he sat.  
  
"No!" The blonde color extended slightly upwards.  
  
"And now for Gohan." He leveled his hand at Gohan, and sent a similar beam, with similar results.  
  
"Nooooooooooooo!" The loss. The anger. The pain. She couldn't deal with it anymore. Her hair stood up completely and grew several inches. The yellow aura exploded outwards, and blue tendrils of electricity began to fill it. She flew at Cell, only to pass directly through him. "What?" Ralph came out from behind her bed.  
  
"Don't shoot!"  
  
The Saiyan girl looked perplexed. Then she noticed that Gohan and Phil were standing next to Ralph, completely unharmed. "What the hell was that?"  
  
Phil explained. "Sorry we had to do that, GoChibi. We figured that you'd need some sort of extreme emotion to get to the next level of Super Saiyan, so we used some holoprojectors and Ralph's Jedi mind tricks to make you think that we were dead."  
  
"That was a really creepy thing to do! I'll have my revenge!"  
  
"It had to be done. But look, now that you've done the transformation once, you can do it at will. This could be just what we need to beat Cell."  
  
Flashing Forward.  
  
Omi said, "This just doesn't add up! I'm a lot stronger than any level two Super Saiyan!"  
  
"You've never encountered a level two Super Saiyan that knew my special techniques, now have you?"  
  
"Well, not really."  
  
"Very well. Power up." The lights began to put out red light again as Phil increased the gravity to it's maximum level. "I think we can all operate in this gravity at optimum efficiency now. We can now work on the Fusion Dance."  
  
"Why would we want to use that?"  
  
"Well, GoChibi, we're all a lot stronger, but we're nowhere near Cell's level, and we can't get there in a month. So, we just combine our strengths. Obviously, I'll be teaming up with Gohan, and you two girls will be fusing. Here's something I had Washuu cook up for us." He took out a small holoprojector, and placed what looked to be a CD on it. The quarter-sized disk began to spin around, and after a few moments, a hologram of Washuu appeared.  
  
"This hologram is copy written and may only be used with the express permission of Washuu. Thank you." From the tiny device, life sized images of Goten and Trunks began to perform the Fusion Dance, and after a few moments, they fused to become Gotenks.  
  
"Uh, Dad, what good will this do us? It's nice that we can watch it, but."  
  
"You'll notice that the holograms are life sized, correct?"  
  
"Uh, yeah?"  
  
"Basically, we climb in and match their movements. Once we can do it properly without the hologram, we'll be ready. You girls go first." They watched for several moments, memorizing every move and pose.  
  
"Hey Phil, why do we have to do this? We've already fused before!"  
  
"Only because we did the Vulcan Mind Meld. Cell is smart enough not to let us pull that trick again. Besides, any exercise in this gravity will be good for us." The girls climbed into the hologram, and attempted the Dance. After several moments, there was a bright flash. Instead of a competent warrior, there was an incredibly old woman standing in the center of the hologram.  
  
"I am Omigo. Why am I so weak, dads?"  
  
"Well, that's the other feature of this thing. It records your movements, and points out any deviations from the Dance." Phil took out a remote control and played it again. After a few seconds, he paused it. Omi's hand was glowing a dark red, indicating an error. "Here we go! Your ring finger was at a 46-degree angle. GoChibi's was a 45, right where it should have been."  
  
"You mean that's what's causing the problem?"  
  
"You bet. Don't worry, though. It only lasts thirty minutes. Next time, try using the Force to anticipate the other's moves. Now, watch carefully, Gohan." The sequence played again. They repeated it a few times, and eventually felt confident enough to continue.  
  
Phil adjusted the projector so that it would play a later image, when Goten and Trunks were closer to their heights. "Good thing they had these tapes at the General Store; for some reason, they always sell out pretty quick. Ready Gohan?"  
  
"You know it!" Moving in perfect sync, the two warriors danced at blinding speed. After a bright flash of light, Ph'lan stood there with a smirk on his face.  
  
"It worked. Cool." The fused warrior found that he could stand in the increased gravity without any extra powerups. "Now for the weights." There was a large pile of barbells lying near what was the "southern" side of the room (the actual orientation of the house mattered little, since they were in Washuu's pocket dimension).  
  
A few hours later:  
  
Mihoshi was confused. She recognized two of the guests. There was the girl in the black school uniform, and the guy in the brown robe. However, she didn't recognize the others. There was an old, frail man who reminded her of that man who had called her a flake. Then, there was a portly little girl who resembled the green haired girl. She was at least as wide as she was tall. "Who are you again?"  
  
The elderly man sighed. "For the last time, flake, I'm Ph'lan. Gohan and Phil used a technique to fuse them together to make a more powerful fighter, but we goofed. I'm the result. This is Omigo. The girls you met before did the same thing that I did, and messed it up as well. Do you understand?"  
  
"Who are you again?"  
  
Old Ph'lan leapt up, ready to squeeze the life from her. However, his back snapped, and he was forced to sit down to eliminate the pain. His thoughts were not pleasant. What I'd give for enough energy to do a Shi Shi Houkou Dan right about now. Ph'lan sighed. "Could somebody pass the chicken?" Ryoko complied. "Thank you."  
  
Fat Omigo sighed. "How much longer, Ph'lan?"  
  
He checked his watch. "It should end right about.now." There was a flash of light, and four people sat where two people had occupied previously.  
  
Phil snapped up, activating his lightsaber. "Now to deal with that ditz!" Gohan was forced to power up and restrain Phil.  
  
"No murder!" While all of this was going on, Kione made no move to help her partner for two reasons. For one thing, she liked this guy. They had a lot in common. Also, she could only benefit if Mihoshi was killed or at least seriously maimed.  
  
Phil powered up. "The Chief said that I could do whatever was necessary to maintain the timeline! Quick! GoChibi, is Mihoshi around in the future?"  
  
"Unfortunately, yes."  
  
Omi smacked her on the back of the head. "Wrong answer. Remember what Master Yoda said: Always in motion is the Future! Kill her now and end our suffering!"  
  
Gohan glared at Omi. "I think you take too much after Phil."  
  
Ayeka was shocked. "Why would you want to kill Mihoshi? What has she ever done to you?"  
  
"You've been living with her for months now, and you still have to ask? God, you nobles are inbred!"  
  
"Why you. Osaka! Kamodake!" The large, wooden blocks seemed to appear from nowhere.  
  
"Yes, Princess?"  
  
"Arrest him! He wants to kill Mihoshi and he insulted the royal family of Jurai!"  
  
"Yes, Princess!" The two surrounded him and encased him in a forcefield.  
  
Phil smirked. "Admit it. The only reason your after my blood is because I told Tenchi the truth." The young boy looked away from his great aunt and shuddered, just thinking about what she had wanted to do with him.  
  
"So?"  
  
"Might I point out that A) you are not on Jurai. You have no authority here. B) We are in Japan, where I do have the right to free speech, and C) since Mihoshi is not a citizen of Japan, she has no rights here and is not protected by the law."  
  
"Actually, she does. And you aren't a citizen either."  
  
"For one thing, shut up Ralph. For another, I have legal documents that state that I am the Emperor's personal bodyguard. Now Ayeka, you have assaulted an officer of the Physics Police, so I could technically arrest you for doing so. But I'm not going to. You want to know why?" She nodded. "Because, a rivalry with you makes things much more interesting around here." He looked up at the wooden blocks. "I've always wondered; which one of you is Osaka, and which one of you is Kamodake?"  
  
Somehow, the one on the left sweatdropped. "Uh, we're not sure."  
  
"I thought as much. Now, I would suggest that you release me."  
  
Ayeka cried out, "You'll do no such thing!"  
  
"Very well. If that's the way you want it, I prefer the hard way anyways. Ka.me." The house's foundation began to quake as Phil powered up his attack.  
  
"Nothing can penetrate a Juraian forcefield! Hold firm!"  
  
Gohan was getting nervous. "Let's hope your right."  
  
"Ha." A bright blue energy field was now surrounding Phil, pushing back the force field that held him in place.  
  
Grandfather cried out, "Quickly! We must get outside!"  
  
"Me."  
  
Kione looked pleadingly at her. "Let him go! He'll kill us all!"  
  
Swallowing her pride, she said, "Release him." The servants obeyed the order, and Phil reabsorbed the energy. "However, you have still tainted my honor! I challenge you to a duel!"  
  
"After I deal with Cell, yes, I'd be more than happy to fight you. Name the time and the place."  
  
"In one month, on Jurai!"  
  
"Agreed."  
  
"Foolish human. The power of Jurai will give me a strength you cannot match!"  
  
"You just keep thinking that, Auntie." He slurped the last of his Ramen noodles. "As for the rest of us, we need to continue our training." The four warriors left.  
  
Ryoko laughed. "That was hilarious! Every day I like him better!"  
  
"Then leave my Tenchi alone, you harlot!" Ayeka surrounded herself with a forcefield.  
  
Tenchi quickly excused himself, shuddering. "I'm going to need a load of therapy when this is all over. Look at this, my eye's twitching!"  
  
Ralph said, "That'll do, Donkey. That'll do."  
  
"Nobody calls me that and lives!" Electricity began to build up around Ryoko's fists.  
  
Ralph politely coughed. "Would you girls mind taking this outside? I'm not sure if the house can take the strain."  
  
"Very well." Ayeka and Ryoko floated outside to battle, and Ralph pulled a couple of lawn chairs and bags of popcorn from his pocket.  
  
"Who wants to watch?"  
  
Ecks grinned. "I'll go double or nothing on my debt! My money's on Ayeka!"  
  
"You're on. Here's your popcorn." The two kicked back as the alien women began exchanging energy bolts. "This is better than Monday night wrestling!"  
  
* * *  
  
Two days later.  
  
Ph'lan and Omigo were training once again. Their Fusion Dances had improved greatly, and their power levels were increasing nicely. That was when Ayeka screamed.  
  
"My hair! What have you done to my wonderful hair!?"  
  
Ph'lan grinned wickedly. Omigo raised her eyebrow. "What now?"  
  
"Oh, I just switched her shampoo with brown hair dye."  
  
"What's so bad about that?"  
  
"On a planet where purple hair is normal, I reasoned that brown hair would be weird. And I guessed right."  
  
"You just love egging her on, don't you?"  
  
"Ever since Kione and Mihoshi left on that extended patrol, what else is there to do? I like Ryoko, Yosho's an old friend of my dad's, Tenchi's dad isn't around, Washuu's too vengeful to let any prank I pull go, and Tenchi is. well, he's just a nice guy. All that leaves me is Ayeka."  
  
"Point taken." She elbowed him in the gut, and then caught him with an uppercut. Ph'lan flew back and sent a Chi bolt at her. The fusion girl didn't avoid the strike in time. The resulting explosion sent her sprawling. "Ouch. Hey, why haven't you been using your improved attacks lately?"  
  
"They take more focus, and the damage could kill you." He ignited his lightsaber, and she followed suit.  
  
"I've noticed that you tend to take after Phil more than Gohan."  
  
"Only when I'm feeling evil. Which is pretty much a 24/7 feeling."  
  
Suddenly, Ph'lan spoke in Gohan's voice. "None of this is my fault! I am not in control of this body's actions!"  
  
The two began slicing with the energy swords. The light still glowed red, making their battle seem even more otherworldly.  
  
Ph'lan knocked her back. "Release your anger. Strike me down, and your training will be complete."  
  
"Never! I am a Jedi, like my father before me."  
  
"Omigo, I am your father!"  
  
"No duh. Can we stop it with the constant Star Wars references already?"  
  
"No, my young apprentice."  
  
"And stop calling me that! It's weird!" That was when the Fusion Dance ended, leaving four warriors where two had once stood. Phil's watch beeped. "Lunchtime!"  
  
As they ran up the stairs, they nearly ran over Washuu. "Hey! Watch it!"  
  
Phil reached the top of the stairs, only to run into a force field. On the other end of the field was Ayeka. Her formerly purple hair was now completely brown. "Look what you've done!"  
  
"Yeah, you almost look normal."  
  
"Why you!"  
  
Phil simply placed his hands on the field. Ayeka was shocked. "What? Your hands should have been burned away by now!"  
  
"Sorry to disappoint you." He simply applied steady pressure and forced her out of his way. She put more and more energy into the field, which caused Phil to apply more and more force against it. In the end, she simply collapsed. Phil looked down at her and smirked. "Are you quite finished yet?"  
  
"I'll get you yet, you evil, filthy bastard!"  
  
"Now now. Flattery will get you nowhere. Oh, hi Tenchi."  
  
He looked up from his plate. "Oh, hello Phil. Why do you keep being so mean to Ayeka?"  
  
"Well, your Great Aunt," Tenchi shuddered, "has got to be the most egotistical being I've ever met and she needs to be taken down a few hundred notches. Heck, at least Vegeta knows when he's beat. Usually."  
  
Ralph scooped some noodles onto his plate. "Hey, whatever happened to him, anyways?"  
  
"Well, I used the audit gun on him, and he's probably still filling out paperwork."  
  
"Not quite, you annoying pest!" There, at the doorway, was the Prince of Saiyans. After a week of continuous form signing, agent John had finally released him. "I've come for revenge!"  
  
"Oh, hello Vegeta. I see that you've lost your M. I guess Babadi really is dead."  
  
"That's right! And now, I can fight you for real, without Kakorot's interference!" Vegeta transformed to Super Saiyan level two.  
  
"Vegeta, I've known you for a long time. We've fought twice, and I've won twice. Get it through your skull: YOU.CAN'T.BEAT.ME!"  
  
"Only because you insist on using your cheap weapons!"  
  
"Oh, really? I hate to tell you this, but even GoChibi is way above your level."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh wait, that's right; you weren't around when I learned the Mystical Powerup. Here, let me show you." The air around him shimmered, and Vegeta looked in shock.  
  
"I-I've been surpassed again! No! It's not fair! It's not fair, damn it!" The Saiyan collapsed to the ground and pounded his fist. "Why?"  
  
"Look, all you can really do now is go train with the other Z fighters. If Cell beats us, you'll be the planet's last hope."  
  
"Cell? When did he return?"  
  
"The others can fill you in. Take this wormhole and tell them that Phil sent you." Glaring daggers at Phil, Vegeta entered the portal. "Good riddance to bad rubbish. I didn't think he was that gullible."  
  
Ayeka sat on the other side of the table, glaring even more daggers at Phil. "I'll get you yet! I will dance on your corpse, and the worms shall grow fat! Your death shall be slow and excruciating, and I shall enjoy it very much!"  
  
"Well, everybody needs goals in life. Hey Sasami, would you mind passing the Teriyaki sauce?"  
  
"Not at all."  
  
"Traitor!"  
  
Phil sighed. "Ayeka, just because she has some common sense doesn't mean that she's a traitor. Like I told Vegeta, you can't win. You have even less of a chance against me than he does."  
  
"Once I get you on Jurai's surface, its power will give me the strength to destroy you!"  
  
"Whatever you say. Your fancy space trees are nothing compared to our powers."  
  
Ayeka continued her ranting, but Phil ignored her. "So, Ralph, I have a mission for you."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"We need to get the Sailor Senshi off planet. If they tangle with Cell, they'll be killed. I suggest that you take them to Dagobah for a bit."  
  
"It'll be good to see Yoda again."  
  
"Just watch it when you hit the atmosphere. You can take Ryo Ohki."  
  
Ryoko yelled, "Hey! That's my ship!"  
  
Phil snorted. "Don't worry; no harm will come to your bunny."  
  
"I still say no." The tiny creature mewed and looked away.  
  
"I'll give you a bushel of carrots."  
  
"Meow!" Ryo Ohki held up a little sign that said "Dagobah or bust."  
  
"Traitor!"  
  
Phil sighed. "Didn't I just have this conversation with Ayeka? Besides, I'm willing to compensate you for the use of your ship."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"How about.a bottle of sake?"  
  
"Make it two and you've got a deal." It looked like the cabbit was leaving anyway; she figured she might as well profit from it.  
  
Ralph took a sip of tea, and then left with Ryo Ohki.  
  
Phil sneered at Ayeka. "Have a good time trying to get that dye out, Princess. C'mon guys, it's time to train."  
  
Outside, the cabbit transformed into a spaceship, which beamed up Ralph. He took the controls. "Well, Ryo Ohki, let's see what you can do." Meowing loudly, the ship accelerated past the speed of sound.  
  
Juban, Tokyo.  
  
About five minutes later.  
  
The Sailor Senshi were walking to the mall together. Usagi was upset. "Have any of you seen Rei lately?"  
  
Ami shook her head. "Nope. She's been gone for a couple of weeks now. I guess you just have to expect this sort of thing when your friend is an internationally famous starlet."  
  
"Yeah." Their memories had adjusted to reflect reality; Rei's hadn't because she had been in whatever place Clou Cards and Pokemon go when they're captured. Thus, she had been outside the range of whatever changes the timeline had gone through.  
  
Usagi groaned. "She's so lucky. I mean, her grandfather is rich because of all the royalties from those James Bond movies the Americans love so much."  
  
Minako attempted to impress her friends with her knowledge of clichés. "Oh well, it's like they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the cow!" And once again failed miserably.  
  
Ami attempted to correct her. "Actually, it's the other side of the fence."  
  
"No, I'm sure it isn't."  
  
Ami sighed. "Of all the super hero groups I had to join, I had to be a Sailor Senshi. Oh no, I couldn't have a useful power and join the Avengers or the Justice League or something. I get to make bubbles and fog and I'm stuck with these ditzes. I just wish something would take me away." It was at that moment that an ominous shadow obscured the sun, and there was an echoing meow. Ami looked up and was drawn up by a green tractor beam. As she levitated into the air, she thought that it was nice that her wish had been granted for once. Then, Makoto was levitated up into the craft, followed closely by Minako. Usagi didn't even notice that her feet weren't making contact with the ground anymore, and continued walking towards the mall.  
  
When she finally noticed, she saw that she was inside a large spacecraft. "Where am I?"  
  
Ralph was at the helm, and Rei was nearby. Ralph spoke into a nearby microphone. "Welcome aboard Ryo Ohki. Today we will be making a nonstop flight from Earth to Dagobah. Please enjoy your flight." They zipped off, achieved escape velocity, and exited Earth's atmosphere at speeds exceeding mach five.  
  
And during the entire experience, Usagi said, "Wheeeeeeeeeee!"  
  
As they passed Mars, Ami tapped Ralph on the shoulder. "Where are we going?"  
  
"To Dagobah. There we will find Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, I spent about a month with him."  
  
"And Dagobah is about how far away?"  
  
"Let's see here. Ryo Ohki can hit about .75 past light speed, but we can't go into hyperspace until we get out of Mars' gravity well, which will happen in about two hours. Then, it'll take about four days to get there."  
  
"I see. why does it seem like everything weird in our lives lately is your fault?"  
  
"Just lucky, I guess."  
  
In the background, Rei was in the process of explaining to the others that she wasn't Sean Connery's grandchild. "For the last time, I've never been to the French Riviera!"  
  
"But we went with you!"  
  
"No you didn't! It never happened!"  
  
Minako shook her head. "Poor Rei. She's in The Nile."  
  
Ami called back, "Don't you mean denial?"  
  
"No, only American gangsters talk like that. It's the Nile."  
  
Ami began to beat her head against Ryo Ohki's hull. A floating crystal bearing the cabbit's face protested, but the Senshi of Mercury continued unabated.  
  
End Part 23  
  
As you may have noticed, this fic has gone back to its original purpose: To mock Anime. Please note that I do like Anime; it's simply that there are so many things to make fun of. 


	24. Training With Yoda

Part 24  
  
Training With Yoda  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: I refuse to take the blame for these characters!  
  
Universe FC-1  
  
Spaceship Ryo Ohki  
  
Hyperspace  
  
Days left until battle with Cell: 19  
  
"And exhale." Ralph's students, the Sailor Senshi, did so. After about a day of transit, Ralph had determined that he didn't need to stay at Ryo Ohki's controls at all times. In fact, the cabbit had strongly "hinted" with powerful electrical shocks that it didn't appreciate being treated like an inanimate object. So, Ralph had used a small device to determine the mitichlorian count for each of the girls, and had been surprised to discover that they were rather high. Not quite on Anakin Skywalker's level, but enough to justify some Force training. Besides, Usagi had been driving him nuts with her constant questioning.  
  
Now, Ralph was the first to admit that he was an inquisitive soul. As such, he was normally calm when others were the same way, so long as they asked intelligent questions. Usagi was obviously disqualified.  
  
"What size are your shoes?"  
  
"Why do those crystals float?"  
  
"What's Gohan's favorite food?" (That one was borderline intelligent; it relieved Ralph that she remembered who her future mate was, and wanted to know more about him).  
  
"What's the Force?"  
  
"What does this button do?"  
  
"Why shouldn't I push that button?"  
  
"What do those red lights and sirens mean?"  
  
"What does, "Self Destruct Sequence Activated" mean?"  
  
"Why does that floaty thing have a picture of a cat in it?"  
  
"What's a cabbit?"  
  
"Why is it meowing?"  
  
"What's the Force?"  
  
"Where's the kitchen?"  
  
"What kind of spaceship doesn't have a kitchen?"  
  
"Can I have some more chocolate drink?" (It took a lot of restraint not to grant that request).  
  
So, Ralph had decided to ease Yoda's burden by at least giving the girls a basic Force training. Rei was taking it like a duck to water; having been raised to be a priestess (current reality notwithstanding), she was used to meditation and the idea of an all encompassing energy field. Minako and Makoto were having a slightly more difficult time with it, but were coming along nicely. Ami kept overanalyzing everything and enquired as to how it work. She didn't seen to understand that the Force didn't fall within the boundaries (which was rather unusual for a magical girl). Of course, Usagi was the most troubling case; she kept falling asleep. She just couldn't grasp the concept of meditation.  
  
"For the last time, this isn't nap time!'  
  
"Huh?"  
  
At this point, Ralph really pitied Yoda.  
  
Meanwhile, back at the Masaki Shrine:  
  
Ayeka stretched her arms and yawned. It had been a good night's sleep. Even with that jerk Phil in the house, it didn't seem so bad. She walked over to the closet to change her clothes, and chanced to pass a mirror. In her groggy state, it took several seconds to tell the brain what they were seeing. Suddenly, she became fully alert. She walked back, and discovered that her pajamas had been replaced by bright orange Sailor Fuku.  
  
"What is this?"  
  
She ran over to the closet to find some normal clothes, only to find that the rest of her wardrobe consisted of much the same apparel. Not one of her robes was to be found.  
  
And a great cry rose up in the isolated mountain valley, causing a flock of birds to flit away to escape the resounding echo.  
  
"PPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"  
  
In the hallway, Phil and Omi exchanged high fives.  
  
* * *  
  
Universe FC-1  
  
Spaceship Ryo Ohki  
  
Inbound for Dagobah, Dagobah system  
  
Days left until battle with Cell: 17  
  
Ralph was at Ryo Ohki's controls. They had dropped out of hyperspace a few moments before, and were flying towards the cloud covered planet of Dagobah.  
  
Ami looked out a viewscreen towards the planet. She was very excited. This would be her first trip to an alien world (at least, her first since the Silver Millennium, but that didn't count since she didn't remember most of it)! Who knew what interesting flora and fauna she would find? She still wasn't quite sure how they had gotten there; Einstein said that no object could accelerate to light speed, but the trip hadn't taken them years, so she knew they had to be moving with that kind of speed. Ralph had explained to her that they were traveling through "hyperspace," an alternate dimension in which the laws of motion were completely different, and that the ship simply entered that dimension to make it to the corresponding point in "realspace." The very idea seemed impossible, but there she was.  
  
"Strap yourselves in, girls. This is going to be a bumpy ride." It was at that moment that they hit the atmosphere. Lightning blasted into Ryo Ohki, but didn't short out her systems; after all, she was a biological construct, so she didn't have any electronic devices to interfere with. However, the cabbit meowed angrily. Ryo Ohki's scanners couldn't point out their altitude, but the Force gave Ralph a vague idea of where the highest concentration of life forms was, which amounted to about the same thing.  
  
Unlike a certain Jedi by the name of Skywalker, Ralph's landing was perfect. Talking into a handy microphone, he said, "Eh, thank you for flying with Physics Police Air. The exits are located nowhere, since Ryo Ohki will be teleporting us onto some semi-solid ground." He stopped his bad impersonation of an airline pilot. "But seriously, I would suggest transforming. You see, the local critters tend to be large, carnivorous or both." The Sailor Senshi complied, and in a few moments a Jedi and five girls in Sailor Fuku were beamed onto the planet.  
  
Ralph scanned the gloomy mist. The large trees were a gray color and looked dead. However, they were actually in the best of health. Between the roots skittered the large, spider like creatures that would eventually transform into trees identical to those where they made their homes. "Watch your step. Solid ground is pretty elusive around these parts." They walked in silence for several minutes, the girls looking in awe at the various creatures. Birdlike bats, or bat like birds (it was hard to tell) flitted above them, making ominous screeching noises. After several minutes, Ralph decided take a headcount. "Rei, Ami, Minako, Makoto... Hey, where's Usagi?'  
  
Rei answered, "Oh, she got eaten by some kind of swamp slug a couple of minutes ago."  
  
"And why didn't you mention this before?"  
  
"It didn't seem important at the time." Several meters behind them, there was a loud coughing sound, and Usagi was catapulted into the air. She managed to find a soft spot to land; Makoto. The blond and brunette were sent sprawling.  
  
The meatball head began to cry. "Waaaaaaaaaaah! That was horrible! And the smell! Ick!"  
  
Makoto waved a hand in front of her nose. "Yeah, I know. You reek!"  
  
"Well, I was just inside some sort of space slug!" She squirted herself with a few sprits of perfume on herself, and Sailor Jupiter began to gag even more.  
  
Ralph chuckled. "I guess Makoto doesn't like your new perfume any more than that slug did. Now, come on. We need to find him."  
  
"Looking for someone, are you?" Sitting on a nearby log was a short green creature. It had long, green ears and was bout two feet tall. It was clothed in a simple brown robe similar to Ralph's, and it walked over to them using a wooden cane for support. "Help you I can."  
  
Ami bowed slightly to the tiny creature. "Thank you sir, but we already have a guide... Ralph? Where did he go?"  
  
"Your guide you have lost? Looking for somebody else, were you/"  
  
"Yes. We seek a great warrior who we were told lived here."  
  
Yoda snorted at Ami. "Pheh. Wars not make one great." He hobbled over to Usagi and grabbed her baton. "Oooooooooh! Pretty."  
  
Usagi was angry. "Hey! Give that back! It's my instrument in the battle with evil!"  
  
"Mine, or I will help you not!"  
  
Makoto cracked her knuckles and balled her hands into fists. "We don't need your help, old man, but if you want a fight, you've found it!"  
  
The tiny creature smirked. "Think you can beat me, do you? Wrong I will prove you to be!"  
  
"Jupiter Thunderstrike!" This was about the least intelligent thing she could have done, considering that she was standing in the middle of a wet swamp.  
  
The hermit walked over and bopped her smoking form with his cane. "Conducts electricity, water does. Learn this, you must."  
  
"Moon Tiara Strike!" Yoda simply ducked under his assault, which flew straight into Ami. Sailor Mercury was sent sprawling.  
  
"With you is the Force, but the intelligence it not."  
  
Rei halted and considered the green alien. "You speak of the Force and you know that we possess it... you are Yoda!"  
  
"Perceptive you are. Trained you well, Ralph has."  
  
Sailor Venus had remained silent until this point. "You know Ralph?"  
  
"My student he was. Seen him I have. Left in his ship he has. Cold and dangerous it is here. Back to my house we should be going. This way you will be walking." Yoda began to walk toward his hut, with the Sailor Senshi on his tail. Of course, Usagi took his "Walk this way" instruction literally, and was now hobbling back with a large stick she had found.  
  
Meanwhile, back at the Ranch:  
  
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"  
  
"Phil, don't you think that a plague of frogs was a bit much?"  
  
"No, not really, Gohan."  
  
Three days later on Dagobah:  
  
Ami was running through the underbrush, dressed in one of the simple jumpsuits that Ralph had left behind for them. Yoda was riding on her back.  
  
"Anger. Fear. Hatred. These are the tools of the Dark Side. And once you start down the dark path, it will forever dominate your destiny."  
  
"What is the Dark Side?"  
  
"It is the quick and easy path to power. Consume you, it will. The Jedi acts for knowledge and defense, never for attack."  
  
"But why..."  
  
"There is no why! Thirst for empirical knowledge and hard data you do. The Jedi accepts what they cannot learn, and learns to live with it, they do. Clear your mind of questions, you must."  
  
She took a deep, cleansing breath. "How will I know the good side from the bad?"  
  
"You will know, when you have cleared your mind of thought. The Jedi's strength flows from the Force. No more will I teach you today. Back home we should be going."  
  
After a few more minutes of running through the swamp, they came back to the hut. Ami lifted Yoda off her back and placed him on a rock. "Usagi's turn, it is." The meatball headed Senshi nodded, and placed Yoda off her back. He pointed into the forest and said, "Go." She complied.  
  
* * *  
  
Usagi collapsed. "Yoda-sensei! I can't go on any further!"  
  
"Three steps have you taken!" He began to bop Usagi repeatedly on the head with his cane. "A moron, you are!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Sensei! I'll try harder!"  
  
"Do or do not, there is no try."  
  
"Why?'  
  
He leapt off of her prone form and hobbled away, muttering, "The stupidity is strong in this one."  
  
Later that night, Yoda sat before the dying embers of the fire. He poked at the coals with his cane. "Never so many students have I had before. Always two, there should be; a master, and an apprentice." He sighed. "Good students, they are. Learned much have they. Except for Usagi. A moronic meatball head is she. Fix this, I must. Reading makes one smarter. Read, she must.'  
  
The next morning:  
  
"See... Spot." Usagi's eyes hurt; this had to be the longest book she had ever read, and she had never read for this long before. "See... Spot... Ran."  
  
Yoda was ripping the last of his hair from his skull. "No, no, no! Seeing Spot running you are! Seeing Jane you are! Seeing Jane running you are! A horrible student you are! Slowing down the others you are! No more shall I try to cram into your empty skull! You will go and sit in my hut!'  
  
Crying, Usagi ran into the tiny hovel.  
  
"Good. Rid of her we are. Other students can I now focus on." The other Senshi were lifting rocks and twigs. He pointed towards a fallen tree. "Rei, lifting that log you will be."  
  
"But it's impossible! I can't move something that big!"  
  
"Do it."  
  
She concentrated, using the Force to move the rotting trunk. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then, the log began to move back and forth. For a few moments, it levitated several inches from the ground. "I can't believe that I'm doing this!" With that statement, the log wobbled, then fell, spewing dirt everywhere. Rei looked down, ashamed of her failure. "I'm sorry I failed, Yoda-sensei."  
  
"You only fail because you do not believe. With the Force, one can move worlds, if one has faith in oneself."  
  
"I will try harder next time!"  
  
"Do, or do not. There is no try. Consider this. Makoto, time for your jog it is."  
  
* * *  
  
New York, New York  
  
In New York, there is a massive skyscraper known as the Baxter Building. It is quite possibly the most unusual structure in the city. It towers over the neighboring buildings, and on each side of this mighty edifice is a gigantic "4." Within it is some of the most advanced technology on the planet, of both human and alien origin. Dimensional portals, weapons and a programmable VCR are only a few of the many marvels contained within. What also makes this building stand out is that it is home to the Fantastic Four. At the moment, the building was wreathed in flames. Even Reed Richards' advanced fire extinguishing systems couldn't combat the blaze.  
  
"In what had formerly been the primary control room of the Baxter Building, Cell looked at his battered opponents and laughed. "I'd have thought that the Fantastic Four would have been more of a challenge." A man seemingly made of orange rock leapt at him, ready to crush this opponent. Cell simply used a bit of telekinesis to knock him aside.  
  
The Thing staggered to his feet and charged at Cell. "Alright, lady bug man, time for round two! It's Clobberin' Time!" Cell made no move to avoid the strike. The Thing could bench press over seventy tons, yet his blows had no effect of the green monstrosity. Punch after Punch landed squarely on Cell's solar plexus, but the attack seemed to tire out the Thing more than it hurt Cell.  
  
"I grow weary of this, Grimm." Whipping out his tail, Cell's stinger dug into the almost impenetrable hide of the Thing. As the orange man screamed in pain, Cell simply licked his lips. Ben Grimm's vital fluids and energy were sucked through Cell's tail. After a few moments, all that remained of the Thing was a blue loincloth and a belt buckle in the shape of a 4.  
  
"You monster!" Susan Richards, AKA the Invisible Woman, sent an invisible force field towards Cell in an attempt to crush him. The blow knocked him down, and she heard a satisfying series of crashes as he blasted through floor after floor of the building. She was rather surprised when he reappeared next to her a few moments later. She smelled rotten eggs. No... brimstone?  
  
Cell grinned arrogantly at her. "Nightcrawler's power does leave an unpleasant odor, nicht wahr? Oh well. Your husband, Mr. Fantastic, fell all too easily. And the Human Torch? All he managed to do was to set this lovely building on fire." He saw the tears in her eyes as he mentioned her brother. "Aw, do you miss Johnny already? How would you like to hear him?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Cell continued his gloating in Johnny Storm's voice. "Of course, "sis," I was disappointed in the Thing. I'd thought that somebody who has gone toe to toe with the Hulk would prove more of a challenge. Then again, I crushed the "Jolly Green Giant" with little effort, so what can one expect?"  
  
"I'll kill you!" She hurled what amounted to an invisible "javelin" of energy at the green monster. Cell simply used a bit of the Force to hold back her assault.  
  
"Oh, come on Sue. You aren't very useful offensively; you've always been more of a support element. What chance do you think that you have?" Cell struck out with his stinger, but the deadly implement was halted by a swiftly erected invisible force field.  
  
"Hah! Nothing can break through my shield! You can't reach me."  
  
Cell chuckled. This time, Cell borrowed Reed Richards' voice. "You never were a very good bluffer, Sue. I can see the strain in your eyes. Quick lesson in physics: everything breaks if you apply enough force." Cell's body was engulfed in a dull yellow glow, and his stinger sliced through the barrier as if it was gelatin. It stuck into her side, and she cried out in pain. Cell went back to his original voice. "Do not worry, Sue. You shall be with your family soon enough." Soon, there were no remains of the invisible woman visible to the naked eye.  
  
He took stock of his energy reserves. Cell snorted. "These "super heroes" are hardly worth the effort! If only I could find those Z Fighters; they would provide all the energy I could ever want!" Cell reflected that it was for that very reason that they had been moved out of his grasp. "No matter. I grow stronger by the day. In three weeks, I will be far beyond even Ph'lan's level!" Cell teleported from the structure. He surveyed the burning hulk of the Baxter Building. "Tsk Tsk. What a mess. I suppose I'll have to clean it up." Using his newly acquired powers, Cell crushed the smoldering skyscraper beneath a column of invisible energy. The assault sent the Baxter Building deep into the North American tectonic plate. "There. All done." He looked towards the sky. "Hmmm. Who next? I suppose I should hit the Justice League." He cackled madly, flying up into the atmosphere. "Perhaps the last son of Krypton will prove more worthy of my talents." But he seriously doubted it.  
  
End Part 24  
  
What, did you really expect Cell to train the old fashioned way? 


	25. Score Two For Evil

Part 25  
  
Score Two for Evil  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: I only own what came out of my twisted mind. Nuff said.  
  
In an isolated corner of the Milky Way galaxy, there lived an advanced race of aliens known as the Se'kush. Physically, they were almost identical to the inhabitants of planet Earth. However, unlike humanity, these beings had long ago learned to settle their differences with words, as opposed to force. For centuries, they lived in isolation on their Utopian planet, known as Se'kushia. They had all believed that their perfect world was eternal. They had been wrong.  
  
A female of the species clutched a shrieking infant to her chest. The invaders had attacked without warning. The Se'kushians were defenseless, as all weapons had been outlawed centuries before. The invaders' first move had been to vaporize their capital city of D'Narnush with an orbital bombardment. This attack had disabled communications on a planet wide scale, eliminating the remote chance of armed resistance from the peaceful race.  
  
She heard a roaring sound. She was forced to the ground by a cushion of air as a wedge shaped fighter passed less than ten feet over her head. She managed to twist herself so that the child wasn't crushed in the fall. She looked up in horror as the spacecraft fired a pair of laser bolts into the statue of the Great Afu. The massive statue, a monument to one of their great leaders, had it's head and upper torso vaporized by the intense beams of light. The fighter then twisted nearly ninety degrees and flew straight up at supersonic speeds.  
  
"Thank Afu. They are leaving." Several other fighters and what she thought were troop transports joined their companion in his hasty climb out of the atmosphere. Then she finally noticed the gigantic craft in orbit above the planet. To be visible from this distance, it had to be at least a mile long. It was shaped like a large sphere, with various ports sticking out of it at seemingly random intervals. She assumed that they were weapons ports, but couldn't be certain.  
  
The fighter that she had seen earlier moved along with one of it's companions to flank some kind of shuttlecraft. It was built to resemble some kind of large wasp; with transparent wings extending from it's compartmented back, and large eyes composed of nearly a hundred panes of glass. Its six-legged landing gear unfolded from unfolded from their tucked away positions, and from the thorax, a landing plank extending downwards. Before the craft was even fully halted, twin lines of troopers exited the craft. There were nearly a dozen of them, each dressed in intimidating insectoid black power armor. Each arm ended in a small laser mounted over a claw like hand; on the back of each suit was a rocket pack and a disposable missile launcher. They immediately surrounded the craft in a circle, tracking their lasers back and forth, looking for any excuse to vaporize something.  
  
After a few moments, a pair of figures exited the spacecraft. The first was an orange female. The woman thought that she looked like a Se'kushian, but this train of thought derailed when she saw the large, wormlike tentacles extending from the back of her skull. One was curled around her neck like a scarf, while the other simply followed gravity's course, dangling down to about the middle of her back. The other looked like a monster from the few horror stories to survive the War of D'Narnushian Succession. He was about seven feet tall, and looked even less like a Se'kushian than his companion. His most distinguishing feature was a pair of bovine horns that extended from the sides of his head, then turned upwards at a ninety degree angle. Similar, but smaller, horns seemed to have been added to his cheeks as an afterthought. These turned downwards. Each hand had three claw like fingers, and cloven hooves replaced his feet. He was dressed in a brightly colored robe, spun from  
the finest Shi'ar glittersilk. In a mount on his back was massive broadsword. However, what was the single most terrifying feature was his right eye. A scar extended vertically across the eye, and the tissue had been replaced by a soulless construct of metal. The series of lenses constantly repositioned themselves, mimicking the focusing abilities of a natural organ, and possibly going beyond the normal range of sight. He looked out at the burning ruins of a once mighty civilization... and laughed. "It is good. T'Keela, give me the numbers."  
  
The Twi'lek glanced down at her tiny computer. "My Lord, we have encountered no armed resistance. In fact, the people seem to have accepted their fates. According to records we downloaded from the planetary archives, there hasn't been any military conflict of any kind for thousands of years. The concept of confrontation is completely foreign to them."  
  
"Very good. Slave rebellion is such a nasty thing, and it really cuts into our profits." He contemplated the situation. "Kill ten percent of them now. Let these slaves know that their new master hold the power of life and death over them."  
  
"Yes, my lord."  
  
The Se'kushian woman looked at them in openmouthed horror. "He... he orders the death of millions so casually!"  
  
The tall man heard her and glared at her. It was impossible to determine which eye displayed less feeling. She screamed. He looked at her, his face a mask of bemused annoyance. "It seems that we missed one. Captain Galthor! Come to me at once!"  
  
One of the infantry jetted over and saluted. "My Lord!"  
  
"You've failed me, Galthor. You failed to disable this potential threat."  
  
Even beneath the soulless battle armor, Captain Galthor was visible nervous. "My Lord, she is only an unarmed woman with an infant!"  
  
"For all we know, she could have been a Super Saiyan or something. Your excuses disgust me." He casually sent his clawed hand through a faceplate that would have stopped a laser bolt. "Lieutenant M'ron, you are now in command of this of my bodyguard unit. Remember Galthor's failure, Captain M'ron."  
  
He bowed, a difficult maneuver in his battle armor. "Yes, my Lord."  
  
She was still in shock. "They all take it in stride! They are jaded by death!"  
  
The large man looked down at her. "Enough with the expository chatter already! Seize her." A pair of armored infantryman complied. The baby wailed as it was torn from it's mother's arms.  
  
She cried out, "N'tura!"  
  
The cow like man rolled his eyes. "Please, stop. Your maternal pride sickens me. Kill it."  
  
"No! N'tura!"  
  
"Nothing personal. It simply costs more to raise slaves from infancy than I can get for them on the black market." A beam from one of the trooper's lasers vaporized the shrieking infant. She continued weeping and calling out N'tura's name. "Oh, cut it out already. You'll have plenty of time to bemoan your horrible fate after I sell you to the highest bidder."  
  
T'Keela coughed politely. "Where to, sir?"  
  
"Well, we haven't been to Nar Shada for a while. It will be good to see the Smuggler's Moon again. Besides, the Hutts always pay well."  
  
Se'kushian woman didn't stop crying. "You monster! What are you?"  
  
The giant looked down at her with mock horror evident on his features. "You mean you don't know who I am? Oh dear! In the excitement of the invasion, I forgot to tell everybody who I was!" In a playful fashion, he cupped his chin in his hand and stroked it thoughtfully. "How to do it best? I've vaporized your cities and disabled your communications, so I can't tell them on holovision... Eureka! T'keela!"  
  
"Yes, my Lord?"  
  
"Order the Inquisitor to bombard the planet, pattern beta."  
  
"Sir, with all due respect, we haven't had an opportunity to evacuate all of our troops!"  
  
"You're point is? They are mercenary scum, and are easily replaced." He looked down at the woman. "Come my dear, you shall learn my name soon enough." Still kicking and screaming, she was haled up the gangplank and the craft took off. A few moments after the shuttle left, the giant forced the girl's face around so that she looked out the multifaceted view port. "Now, don't blink. Or else." From the round capital ship came a barrage of turbolaser bolts. They lashed out, burning away thousands of years of toil and achievement. After a few moments, she looked in horror as the carnage began to take shape. At last, she knew the name of her tormentor. It was a name that she would curse until she was cold in the grave. Burned into the face of the planet surface for all eternity was the phrase, "Schlager wuz here."  
  
Meanwhile, on Earth:  
  
Phil and Gohan were sparring in the lower levels of the Masaki household. The girls had fused to become Omigo, and were lifting small armband mounted weights. At the increased gravity level, the five-pound weights weighed about five tons. Gohan was on the offensive, sending a hail of kicks and punches at his opponent. For the most part, Phil managed to dodge them. Suddenly, Phil and Omigo cried out in pain. Omigo sat down and looked physically ill. Phil paused and was caught across the face by Gohan's kick. He didn't get back up, since he hadn't had time to prepare for the blow.  
  
The Saiyan was very surprised. In all the time that he and Phil had been training, the Physics Policeman had never let his guard down before. "Phil? What's wrong?"  
  
Phil's left eye was already beginning to swell, and it looked like he would be sporting a black eye for some time to come. However, he didn't notice the pain. "It was... horrible. It was if millions of voices cried out at once, and were then silenced." Phil and Omigo cringed again. "There it was again!"  
  
"Cell?"  
  
Omigo shook her head. "No. It doesn't feel like him. He's probably up to something, but he wouldn't gain anything by simply vaporizing a country; he'd go in there and absorb the people individually."  
  
Phil's eyes had a distant look. "It's familiar... I can't place it, but I know the guy who did this." He suddenly seemed to remember where he was. "We need to train more than ever. When we're through with Cell, we'll probably have to deal with this." Phil assumed a ready stance. Gohan did the same, and in seconds the pair was once again locked in combat.  
  
* * *  
  
The Justice League Satellite is a marvel of human engineering. It orbit's high above the Earth and is capable of monitoring most of the planet utilizing a chain of satellites. It is a large enough to comfortably house the Justice League and a small crew of support personnel, and has artificial gravity systems and advanced shielding to protect the crew from the deadly symptoms of living in space. Also, multiple weapons systems provide it with sufficient defense to hold off any invader long enough for the super heroes that inhabit it to return from whatever world they are defending. Bought by billionaire Bruce Wayne's Waynetech Enterprises, its defense systems and isolated location made it almost impregnable.  
  
Waynetech's engineers hadn't planned on Cell.  
  
Having crushed the Fantastic Four, Cell had sought out the satellite in his quest for more power. From Freeza, he had inherited the ability to survive in space. "Ah, there it is." Of course, sound doesn't travel in space, so he simply mouthed it, but Cell didn't care. A pair of defense satellites flew towards him, spewing missiles. Cell disappeared, and then reappeared next to one of the drones. The military grade titanium couldn't withstand his vicious kick. Knocked out of its orbit, the satellite tumbled down towards Earth and began to glow a bright red as it suffered the heat of reentry. The other was vaporized by a Chi bolt.  
  
Having penetrated the outer perimeter, Cell noticed several more of the satellites moving into position. Laser bolts and missiles filled the air around him. He was able to avoid most of them, by the sheer number of projectiles filling the air ensured that a few hit. They had no visible effect. Automated turret systems mounted on the space station itself began to spew similar weapons at Cell. For several minutes, he contented himself with dodging the attacks. "After all, if I catch the heroes by surprise, I'll have an unfair advantage. Which would make things boring." A laser blast washed over him. It did no damage, but the turrets had more punch than the satellites. Cell thought it would be cruelly ironic to have come this far only to be defeated by some soulless defense system. He focused his Chi. A yellow battle aura surrounded him, then began to expand outwards. The power consumed the satellites, leaving only the turrets. "Solar Flare!" The bright flash was visible from  
Earth, and several astronomers believed it to be several nearby stars going supernova simultaneously. The technique had the desired effect of blinding the computer's visual sensors. It would take the computers several moments to switch to radar. It was the only opening that Cell needed. He placed his middle and index fingers to his forehead and used the Instant Transmission to reappear directly next to a surprised Superman.  
  
"Hello, Clark."  
  
"Wh-what? How do you know my secret identity? Who are you?"  
  
In an annoying monotone, Cell said, "I am Borg. Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated."  
  
"Borg? Like in Star Trek?"  
  
"Actually, my name is Cell. Thanks for spoiling my joke, Captain Obvious."  
  
The junior superhero pointed to a similar young man. "No, he's Captain Obvious. I'm the Fraudulent Ketchup Master!"  
  
"No, you're space dust." A pair of Chi bolts easily reduced the sidekicks to their component atoms. "Now, where were we, Clark?"  
  
That was when the rest of the Justice League burst in. Batman prepared a gas grenade. "Murderer!" Batman lobbed the grenade, which began spewing smoke. Wind milling his arms at high speeds, Cell created a current that sent it flying into the assembled heroes.  
  
"Pardon me while I deal with these weaklings, Clark." Cell faded out of existence. Wonder Woman was the first to fall. He gave her a karate chop to the neck, snapping it instantly. He struck out with his tail and absorbed the Amazon before the life left her body.  
  
"Diana!" The Flash moved at speeds no mortal could match. Cell simply moved to the right and caught him with a clothesline, breaking his noise. Cell grinned as the Flash's fluids were absorbed into his tail.  
  
"Delicious. Next?" A young boy with short, black hair stepped forward and surrounded himself with a green barrier. "Ah, Green Lantern. That is a rather impressive force field there. I could break it, but it would be such a waste of energy. What to do? Oh yeah. I can teleport." In a puff of smoke, Cell transported himself within the shield. As Cell's stinger dug deep into his body, Green Lantern's last thoughts were, "Do I smell brimstone?"  
  
A man leapt at him. He had long, wild blonde hair and his left hand had been replace by a hook. "Aquaman, I presume?" Using his considerable strength, the King of Atlantis slashed down, attempting to eviscerate Cell. He was quite surprised when the hook broke on Cell's skin. "I'm not sure if I'm even going to bother absorbing you." He continued in a mocking tone. "Oh, I'm scared! You can talk to fishes. Why, that has to be the most useful ability ever!"  
  
Cell was distracted as Superman and Hawkgirl attacked his rear. The Kryptonian grabbed his tail and pulled, while the winged girl smashed him in the back of his head with a mace (yes, she had replaced it after her battle with the Hulk). Once again, the archaic weapon shattered. One of the spikes sticking from the mace made a small scratch along cell's exoskeleton. "That almost hurt." The tiny wound healed almost immediately. "You'll all die soon enough. Kaio-ken!" A red aura surrounded Cell's body, and at a speed even Superman couldn't track, he broke out of Superman's grip and assimilated Aquaman and Hawkgirl. "They aren't terribly strong, but every ounce of power helps."  
  
"Monster!" Superman struck out with his heat vision. Cell simply ignored it.  
  
"Now, who's left? Oh dear. I seem to have gotten everybody. No, wait a second... where's Bruce? I saw him earlier."  
  
"Right here, murderer." He was behind Cell, and had one of his special weapons ready.  
  
"Come now, Wayne. Do you honestly expect that "Batarang" of yours to hurt me in the slightest." Cell's Spider Sense tingled as Batman flung the weapon at Cell. The composite warrior was quite surprised when it dig several inches into his forehead. "Ouch! How did you do that?"  
  
"Teflon coated titanium. Capable of penetrating just about anything. But the fun's only beginning."  
  
"What..." There was a sizable explosion, and when the smoke cleared, Cell's head had been vaporized. His body collapsed.  
  
Batman spat on him. "Good riddance."  
  
"Nice work. If only we knew where that murderer came from, or why."  
  
"So much unnecessary death..." That was when a tiny replica of Cell's head appeared on the stump of his neck. "How the hell?"  
  
Cell's head began to grow, reforming itself from some kind of green liquid. "Do you have any idea how much that stings?"  
  
"Impossible!"  
  
"No Clark. You see, I am infused with nanotechnology, aided by a variety of other recuperative abilities. The healing factor of the X-Man Wolverine is quite helpful. It's sped up my recovering process tenfold."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Oh, that's right. You and the X-Men used to inhabit different dimensions. My mistake. Now, which of you to kill first?" Batman flung another Batarang. It simply passed through Cell's body, dug into a nearby wall, and exploded. A few chunks of debris flew out at Cell and bounced off his beetle like wings.  
  
"You can become intangible?"  
  
"No. I'm simply very fast. Care for a demonstration, Bruce?" His stinger lashed out and embedded itself in Batman's gut. The Caped Crusader cried out in pain. "Now Bruce, remember; pain is only your body's way of telling you that you're in blinding agony." Batman's body was swiftly converted into liquid slurry, which Cell sucked into his tail.  
  
"Batman!"  
  
"Now Clark, it is your turn."  
  
"How do you know who I am?"  
  
"I was created from the DNA of the greatest warriors in the universe. You made the top one hundred. However, isn't it ironic that the only one here actually able to hurt me was the only one without any powers? Just giving you something to think about while you're converted into liquid." Cell flew forward with speed that the Man of Steel couldn't match and Clark Kent, AKA Kal-el, AKA Superman, ceased to exist as a separate being. In a tone matching Homer Simpson's, Cell said, "Mmmmm. Kryptonian."  
  
Cell chortled. "Far too easy. Now who's next?" He pulled out a small sheet of folded paper and checked off the Justice League. "Now for the Avengers." He was about to teleport out of the space station, but halted. "Wait. Now that I've killed off the Justice League, this satellite is just a waste of taxpayer's dollars! There has to be some way to remedy this situation... aha! I have it! Ka... me... ha... me... ha!" The blue energy consumed the Justice League Sattelite almost instantly. "Good. I hate leaving loose ends. Now, on to New York, the Marvel Superhero capital of the world!"  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Phil was searching through the Grimorum Achrinorum. "now, let's see here... Curse of Blindness? Too cruel. Curse of Clumsiness? Naw, we don't need another Mihoshi around here." He flipped a page and grinned wickedly. "Now this has possibilities. `A modified Midas touch. Any water the victim touches becomes...' oh, this is all too perfect!" He waved around a mystical artifact that he had "borrowed" from Ralph and began to chant the spell.  
  
Upstairs, Ayeka was lowering herself into the communal bath that Washuu had created in one of her pocket dimensions. "Ah, what a nice day. Phil hasn't tried anything yet. I guess that talking to I gave him yesterday really sunk in." She didn't notice that she glowed red for a moment, an indication that the spell was taking effect. She lowered herself into the bath, and was quite surprised when she found herself sinking in a sea of boiling hot... raspberry jam?  
  
"PPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"  
  
End Part 25  
  
Note: Schlager: from the German verb "Schlagen," which means "To beat." A Schlager is somebody who beats people. 


	26. Phil Goes to China

Part 26  
  
Phil Goes to China  
  
  
  
Days left until battle with Cell: 4  
  
Phil and GoChibi were locked in combat. Two lightsaber blades, one blue, one yellow, flashed and released sparks as they crashed into each other. The air around Phil shimmered as he attempted to use the Mystical Powerup to match his opponent's Super Saiyan powers. He lashed out with a left hook that caught the future girl across the jaw. He followed up with a burst of energy that sent her flying into the rocky ground beneath their feet. Before she could respond, Phil materialized next to her and kicked her in the gut. She flew into a nearby tree, shattering the centuries old pine into a thousand pieces.  
  
"Give up yet?" The only response she gave him was a blinding yellow light. She levitated from the crater she had created and deactivated her lightsaber. Her yellow aura had grown outward, and tiny sparks of blue electricity filled the energy field  
  
that surrounded her.  
  
"Bring. It. On!" She flew in and attempted to catch Phil with a double handed punch. He faded, then reappeared directly behind her. His attempted Karate chop passed through her afterimage. Her attempted kick to Phil's gut, but the Mystical Warrior flew beyond her reach.  
  
"Renzoku Energy Dan!" A barrage of energy blasts followed Phil. With a smug grin on his face, Phil simply met the assault head on. When the smoke cleared, he casually floated there. There was no visible damage. "How did you do that?"  
  
"I wouldn't waste my time with that technique. Sure, it looks cool, but the actual damage done is minimal. It just splits up your Chi too much to be effective."  
  
"Stop lecturing me! I'm not stupid!"  
  
"Unfortunately, you have two gene pools working against you in that regard."  
  
"Why you!" She flew in, launching a barrage of punches and kicks. Phil lazily dodged the blows. After several moments, she halted. "What?"  
  
"I suspected as much."  
  
"What are you talking about? How did you become so much stronger than me?"  
  
"I really didn't. However, you're letting your rage get the better of you. My improved Chi technique requires a certain degree of focus. We're sort of like reverse Hulks; the madder we get, the weaker we get. You have to learn to keep your cool." Phil's watch beeped. "Lunchtime!"  
  
* * *  
  
Grandfather sat across from Phil. "You came here to use Washuu's gravity room. Why have you been training outside lately?"  
  
"We need to readjust ourselves to normal gravity. We don't want to use too much velocity in flight; it could get real painful real fast. Pass the soy sauce, please. Thank you. Hey Ayeka, what's the matter?" The Juraian princess was glaring at him.  
  
She was drinking some very thick orange juice; it was one of the few liquids that had a low enough water content not to be transformed into raspberry jam. "How dare you feign innocence? You're out to get me for no good reason! You've cursed me, dyed my hair twice, unleashed a plague of frogs upon me, replaced my beautiful robes with ridiculous school uniforms, and put a wedge between me and my beloved Tenchi that may never go away!"  
  
"Now, I'll admit to one hair dyeing, and that last bit, but you have no proof that I did any of those other things."  
  
"Oh really? Who else would do such a thing?"  
  
"Gremlins, perhaps?"  
  
Mihoshi squealed. "Gremlins? Where?" Kione sweatdropped.  
  
Ayeka ignored the Galaxy Police Officer. "Do you honestly expect us to believe that there a bunch of little Gremlins causing all of my problems?"  
  
"Or it could be Juan and Cindy."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"According to Dogbert, Juan and Cindy are a pair of invisible people who go around making your lives miserable, and the road to happiness is to find and kill them."  
  
"Oh come on! Do any of you actually believe any of this?"  
  
Grandfather set down his teacup. "Tenchi, we have work to do."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"We either have Gremlins running about, or a pair of American ghosts. As priests, it is our responsibility to stop these evil forces." Nobody except for Phil saw the sly wink a moment later.  
  
Ayeka snorted the OJ out of her nose. Considering how thick it was, it was a very painful process. "Wh-what? You actually believe him? Tenchi, how could you?"  
  
Phil grinned maliciously. "Now Ayeka, your GREAT NEPHEW" Tenchi shuddered, "and his Grandfather have work to do. My, you're paranoid." Phil began to cackle madly. "Good! Everything goes according to plan."  
  
"See! He admits it!"  
  
"Oops! Did I say that last part out loud? Just a second." Phil got out a pair of sunglasses. GoChibi, Omi and the rest of SU5 followed suit. "Omi, get Ayeka a pair as well." The girl from the future complied. Phil pulled out a rod-shaped object about the size of a pen. After pressing a few buttons, a bright flash of red light filled the room. "I didn't say anything after, "My, you're paranoid." Ayeka simply said that I admitted it, contrary to reality." The other members of the household went back to lunch, taking Phil's statement as fact.  
  
"What is that thing?"  
  
"An MIB model Neuralizer. Handy little gizmo, isn't it?"  
  
"Everybody! He used that machine to reshape your memory!"  
  
"What, this pen?" Pressing a stud on the back of it, a tiny metal stud protruded from the device.  
  
Sasami looked at Ayeka, concern obvious on her young features. "Are you OK, big sister?"  
  
"I'm perfectly fine! It's all of you who have the problem here! You believe everything that he says! You're all out to get me! But you'll never get me alive!" She ran up the stairs, slammed the door to her room shut, and locked the deadbolt.  
  
Ralph addressed Washuu. "Didn't you say that you were going to put some kind of medication for her obvious paranoia into her soup?"  
  
"I did! And she drank all of it. I just don't understand! It's guaranteed to eliminate any paranoid delusions."  
  
Phil and Ralph exchanged some mental messages through the Force. "Of course, Ralph, it doesn't help in the slightest when the paranoia is actually justified."  
  
"Jeez, Phil, that was really mean! You're making her start to doubt her sanity!"  
  
"You're no fun. Don't blab a word of it!"  
  
"So, what do you have planned for her today?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I figure if she is this far gone, then she'll spend the entire day looking for a trap that isn't there. In fact, this is my last prank until we're done with Cell."  
  
"That's actually kind of ingenious, Phil."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
Grandfather sighed. He thought, "This rivalry with Phil will do her good. Although many centuries have passed since I last saw her, she is still the same spoiled, petulant child she has always been. She must learn that the energy of Jurai is not superior to the other powers that exist."  
  
Phil dabbed his chin with his napkin. "Well, we'd better go train." The others agreed, and the quartet of warriors exited.  
  
Upstairs, Ayeka was making a fort out of pillows, blankets and a futon. "Nothing can get me while I'm in here! I'm invincible! You here? Invincible!"  
  
  
  
Outside:  
  
"Well, I must go now."  
  
All three of Phil's allies were surprised by this sudden statement. Omi queried, "What? Where are you going?"  
  
"I need to go to China."  
  
Gohan said, "What's in China?"  
  
"The cursed springs of Jusenkyo. I need to evacuate the guide and his daughter. It might also be a good idea to get the various tribes that inhabit the area out as well. With the kind of battle we'll be waging, we could easily vaporize the entire mountain range."  
  
Gohan was still confused. "Then why did you say that you were going out to train?"  
  
"To irritate Ayeka. If she asks where I am, just tell her I'm out plotting her downfall as we speak."  
  
Omi grinned wickedly. "This should be fun. But why today?"  
  
"I have a feeling that things are going to get rather uncomfortable around here."  
  
That was when Washuu's forlorned scream filled the valley. "My Gravity Room! What have you done to it?"  
  
Back at the house, Ralph was attempting to avoid strangulation at the hands of the tiny scientist. "Whoa! Calm down! A little paint, maybe some duct tape..." The room's tiled floor was more memory than fact; it was fortunate that Phil and his compatriots weren't strong enough to penetrate the border of the pocket dimension, or else they would have been sucked into the empty void beyond weeks ago. The Olympic sized swimming pool had been vaporized by one of Gohan's Masenkos. The weights had been bent completely out of shape.  
  
"You are going to fix it! Now!"  
  
"I'll go get the others."  
  
Washuu glared at him. "Don't you try to run. I will track you to the ends of the Earth!"  
  
"Right."  
  
Ralph ran up the stairs and out of the house. "Phil! Get down here! Washuu wants you to fix her gravity room!"  
  
In mock angst, Phil placed his hand to his head. "Oh, I would if I could. However, the burdens of command force me to bid you adieu." The energies of the Mystical Powerup surrounded him. "Goodbye, y'all!"  
  
Ralph shook his fist as Phil shot away like a guided missile. "You can't do this to us! You caused more damage than anybody else! Come back here!"  
  
That was when the tiny scientist walked out a glowing doorway that appeared out of nowhere. She summoned a dimensional portal and a variety of paint brushes, floor tiles and masonry. "Now, Gohan, you get to rebuild the pool."  
  
Ecks and Ralph scowled. As the Jedi grabbed a hammer, he muttered, "Phil, my vengeance shall be swift and terrible. I swear it."  
  
By this time, Phil was over the Pacific Ocean. "Excellent. Not only have I avoided work, I'm getting myself some frequent flyer miles! If only that beverage cart service would hurry up!"  
  
Meanwhile, in a mountain range in southeastern China:  
  
Nestled in isolation for the past three thousand years, the Chinese Amazons are a dieing race. Their outmoded technology is pre iron-age at best. Although they are physically strong, they aren't a real threat to anybody anymore, except for the odd lost tourist. As opposed to the once mighty tribe that had held a good portion of China under their sway, they have been reduced to a single village. These days, they survive primarily by remaining unnoticed.  
  
Two women sat near a fire before a primitive hut. The first was a young girl with long, strait, green hair. She was named Lo Shun and she looked intently at her Grandmother. The shriveled old woman was the tribe's "sha-person," and she was named Gel. "Grandmother, you seem troubled."  
  
"There is a great evil. I can see that he is insanely powerful, and was somehow made from many warriors combined." Lo Shun was worried. She had heard of the wonders of the outside world, but didn't know that "modern" man was capable of this. She had never seen her Grandmother this worried before.  
  
"He is stronger than the Amazons?" It went against all of the Amazons' traditions to acknowledge a man as a woman's superior, but Gel had raised Lo Shun to be more pragmatic than most Amazons.  
  
"Yes, child. But don't breathe a word of it to the tribal council. They are so hidebound that they would see the very admittance that we are not the best as treason." Lo Shun nodded. The old woman stiffened again. "Wait... there is another evil coming! This shouldn't be possible! This one is almost as strong as the first!"  
  
"What is this one?"  
  
"He is evil, but there is some good in him. He seems less evil than... sadistic. He enjoys inflicting suffering on others, but not a grand scale like the other. The first one is far away, but I foresee it coming near our village. The second is..."  
  
"Right behind you."  
  
Gel clutched her chest. "Who are you? How did you sneak up on me?"  
  
"My name is Phil. As for how I snuck up on you, it's easy enough." Phil was struck by inspiration. "A long time have I watched this one. Always looking to the horizon. Never focused on where she was. What she was doing!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh yeah. I forgot. You Amazons don't have TV. Is Cologne around?"  
  
Gel was cautious, mainly because this outsider spoke of their leader with some familiarity. She hadn't been expecting that. "No. She is dealing with a situation in Nerima."  
  
Phil cursed his luck; he had actually trained under the old crone when had been a young man, and had found her to be a sensible woman. He only hoped that whoever she had left behind was equally intelligent. "Well, then who is in charge?"  
  
By this time, other Chinese Amazons had noticed the arrival of the strange man. A warrior by the name of Soap unsheathed her sword. "Who are you, male, to see the tribal elders?"  
  
Phil smacked his forehead. "Oh yeah! I forgot that you guys have this silly idea that women are inherently superior to men. I'm Phil, and I'm going to fighting an evil being by the name of Cell at Jusenkyo Springs in a couple days, and I've come to,"  
  
Soap grinned at him disdainfully. "Ask our assistance? Stupid males; always getting into situations that they cannot get themselves out of."  
  
"Actually, no. I'm here to tell you to stay the hell away from Jusenkyo. In fact, it would be a wise idea for you to leave the area for about a week. He's too strong for any of you to take on."  
  
An old woman glared at Phil. She was the senior member of the council of elders in Cologne's absence. "This mere man thinks himself a match for another man who is supposedly stronger than us. He also suggests that we should flee in terror. This affront cannot be ignored. Who will show him the error of his ways?"  
  
Soap answered by attacking Phil. She leapt at him, and her sword sang as it sliced through the air. Phil didn't even assume a ready position. He stood there with a grin on his face. "I see that you except your fate! Die, male!" The blade was about to decapitate Phil when the sulfurous yellow blade of his lightsaber cleanly sliced through the metal instrument. He then planted his fist into Soap's gut. The Amazon slumped to the ground, her face advertising her agony. He then used the Force to fling her into a nearby mud puddle. She didn't move again, although a pained moan could be heard.  
  
"Please, don't bother. None of you can match my strength. I come in peace."  
  
Lo Shun leapt from her position. Gel cried out, "No Granddaughter! You cannot win!"  
  
She thought to herself, "I don't need to win." She didn't unsheathe her sword; Soap was the best swordswoman in the tribe. Lo Shun's strength had always been in unarmed combat. Seeing that his opponent was unarmed, Phil deactivated his lightsaber.  
  
"You must know that you can't win. I'd guess that your Grandmother is some kind of mystic, seeing as how she could foresee my coming. If she thinks you can't win, she's right." Phil pulled out a Scouter and tapped the button. The numbers on the screen cycled for a moment, then halted. "Power level 149. Way above normal human levels, but still rather pathetic."  
  
"I'll need to finish this quickly." She leapt at him, attempting to catch him in his temple with a disabling kick. The blow landed, but the Physics Policeman didn't even seem to notice the strike. "Look, you obviously have some kind of learning disability, so I'll try to talk slower. You. Can't. Win. Got it?"  
  
"I don't need to win. I only need to make you part of the tribe."  
  
"So that's your little game, is it? What's your name?"  
  
"Lo Shun."  
  
"Well Lotion, don't get any ideas about giving me that "Kiss of Marriage" thing. I don't acknowledge your laws. Besides, there isn't any way that you'll be able to catch me."  
  
She thought, "Where brawn fails..." She adopted a look of terror and pointed behind Phil. "Look out! Behind you!"  
  
"Huh?" He turned around. Before Phil could stop her, the green haired Amazon had locked onto him and had administered the Kiss of Marriage. "D'oh! Well, hot lips, step one went rather nicely. Now, catch me if you can." Phil powered up his Chi, forcing the bouncy Amazon to break her hold on him as waves of energy buffeted her. Phil flew up into the sky, surprising the assembled warrior women.  
  
"Heh. She'll never find me, and all she's managed to do is alienate herself from the tribe. She won't be able to legally return until she brings me back. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost. Now, let's see here. Who's next?" Still flying at Mach 1, Phil pulled out a sheet of notebook paper. "Chinese Amazons, check. Next up, the Musk Dynasty." He considered it for a moment. "Nah, I never liked Prince Herb anyways." He checked off the race of subhumans. "The Phoenix Mountain Tribe? Nope. Saffron's too much of a threat to international stability; I can take him, but he'd be pretty annoying. Better if they're vaporized by some stray Chi bolt or something. All that leaves is the Guide, his daughter and a few other isolated settlements of, thank God, NORMAL people." So far, everything was going according to plan.  
  
However, not all was well in the world.  
  
* * *  
  
Earth, Universe FC-1  
  
Tokyo, Japan  
  
A elderly man was taking his evening walk. He took the same route that he had taken since he had been a young boy. For the past sixty years, he had taken these sojourns into what was rapidly becoming a bad neighborhood, and had never been bothered before. Tonight would be different.  
  
Yoshi Miyamoto wasn't the smartest man. He wasn't handsome. He was unemployed. However, ever since grade school, he had been good at intimidating those weaker than himself. He saw the old man and grinned. He had been mugging people since he had dropped out of high school. He had a pretty simple method; jump the guy, stab him, grab his wallet, and run. It had always run like clockwork before. Tonight would be different.  
  
A gigantic man clung to the side of a nearby building. He was dressed in a large black jumpsuit adorned with a large, white spider. His face had been replaced by a large, snaggletoothed maw. They were Venom. They prepared to deal with the mugger. They did this on a regular basis. They had arrived in Japan to deal their unique brand of justice to the Yakuza. No normal man could match their strength. They saw no reason to be concerned. Tonight would be different.  
  
He was Cell. He hovered high above the vigilante, the mugger and the old man. He grinned. The old man and mugger would provide minimal energy, but Eddie Brock was far above normal strength levels. However, the alien symbiote would prove to be the greatest prize. Given that Eddie Brock, who could normally lift seven hundred pounds, was capable of bench pressing nearly forty tons with the symbiote, Cell practically drooled thinking about the kind of boost it would give one such as him.  
  
He chuckled. He would absorb all three in one fell swoop. Tonight would be very different indeed.  
  
End 26 


	27. The Symbiote's Tale

Part 27  
  
The Symobiote's Tale  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: Oops! Forgot the disclaimer last chapter! I sure hope I don't get sued! Oh well. This isn't mine (Well, most of it anyways).  
  
Last time, a very interesting situation was shaping up. For those who have short memories, I'll recap.  
  
There was an old man taking a late night walk through a bad neighborhood of Tokyo. There was a knife wielding thug named after a video- game dinosaur ready to pounce on him. Yoshi was in hiding, completely unaware that he was being closely watched by an American vigilante known as Venom. That "superhero" was being eyed hungrily by Cell. Now, let us see what develops, shall we?  
  
The old man was whistling a tune that he had just heard on the radio. These evening walks had, in recent years, become the highlight of his days. It had been so disappointing when he had discovered that his grandchildren had no interest in the nightly excursions, but he had adapted. Nearly twenty years before, he had taken out his youngest son, Shin, on these walks, but now Shin told him that it was "damned foolish" to go out at this time of night. "Those thugs have all kinds of illegal weapons, and they won't hesitate to use them. You should exercise in the morning, if at all! You've been very lucky all these years! I refuse to take part in this idiocy!"  
  
The old man snorted. "To think, my own flesh and blood; a coward." The walks had never been for exercise. It was a time to reflect; what was happening in his life, what was happening to others, issues of global significance, etc. At one time, he had believed that Shin had understood the purpose of the journeys, but he had failed to instill that basic bit of knowledge. "Besides, I am only a poor old man. What kind of idiot would mug me?"  
  
That was when Yoshi stepped behind him. "Your money or your life, old man!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You heard me!" The switchblade snapped out of the carrying case. "Now, fork over the cash or else!"  
  
A deep voice seemed to emanate from nowhere. "Kids these days. No manners at all."  
  
"Who?" He turned around. There was nobody to be seen. "Come out, or I'll slice you so bad, you, uh..." Metaphor had never been Yoshi's strong point. "You'll wish that I hadn't sliced you up so bad!"  
  
Venom chuckled. "My, you are a clever one. Now, if I don't come out, how do you intend to slice me?"  
  
"Uh..." He was confused. He hadn't ever thought of that before. "I dunno. But where are you?"  
  
The gravely voice sighed. "Ever consider UP, genius?" Yoshi looked up, and regretted it immediately. There was some kind of creature in a black bodysuit. He thought that he recognized the spider insignia.  
  
"Ah! It's that American guy, whatcha call it, Spiderman!"  
  
Venom glowered at the man. "Oh, you'll suffer for that." By this time, the elderly man was running for his life. He hadn't backed down from the punk, but demons were another thing entirely. "We are Venom. We hate Spiderman. He is our mortal enemy."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"We will eat your spleen!" The costume extruded a pseudopod that grabbed Yoshi where he stood. The young man jabbed the symbiote with his switchblade. "Come now. Did you really expect that to work?"  
  
The young man was confused. "Well, uh, yeah. When you stab things, they die."  
  
"My, you are a bright one, aren't you."  
  
"Uh, thanks."  
  
"That was sarcasm, you dolt!"  
  
"Oh." Venom reeled him in. Soon, he was face to face with the monstrosity.  
  
Venom grinned wickedly at the young man. "This is where you're supposed to scream and beg for your life."  
  
"Will you not kill me if I do?"  
  
Venom looked shocked. "We've been doing this for years, and this is the first time that anybody's asked us that. And the answer is no. Seems rather obvious, don't you think?"  
  
"No, my pop said I wasn't much of a thinker."  
  
"Your father was an intelligent man."  
  
"Hey, uh, what's a spleen? You sure I got one?"  
  
"We're not exactly sure. We'll be sure to get ourselves a medical textbook when we're done with you." One of Venom's fingers reformed into a blade. "Now, you die." Venom simply sliced the man open. He rooted around, then grabbed a likely looking organ and snarfed it down in one bite. "Yummy."  
  
"How vulgar." Venom looked up to see a strange being floating over his head. "Me, I prefer not to dismember my victims."  
  
"We've seen you on the news, Cell. That was some job you pulled on the Fantastic Four."  
  
"You don't seem the slightest bit distressed about it."  
  
Venom snorted. "We had no use for those "heroes". Always too concerned with giant ants or whatnot to see society's real problems. Such as the declining quality of thugs." Venom frowned, looking down at the bleeding body of Yoshi. Venom rooted around and found another blood soaked bit of tissue and ate it. "Mmmm. Adrenal gland."  
  
"You do realize that I'm after you to, right?"  
  
"We surmised as much. You will let us finish this one first, right? It seems piggish to us to have two at once."  
  
"My, you're confident."  
  
Venom threw aside Yoshi's body. The boy still clung to life, but he wouldn't last much longer. "We are done. We considered the heart, but with all the junk that people eat these days, we decided that it would be better just to avoid that cholesterol. Now, it's your turn." Venom lifted his arms toward Cell and shot out a net composed of his biological webbing. Cell was encased in seconds. "There! We would like to see you break out of that!"  
  
Cell tested it a bit, stretching the web. "Yes. This is stronger than Spiderman's. I got him a few days ago, you know."  
  
Venom's eyes narrowed. "He was ours!"  
  
"It doesn't matter. You'll be dead in a minute anyways. Flame On!" The fire consumed the web in moments. Venom was worried. Cell could sense his fear. "Yes, I know your little weaknesses. Fire and sonics, I believe? Let me see what kind of strategies you have developed to combat somebody like me." Cell sent a tongue of flame out at Venom, who simply leapt over the attack. "Good, your agility is just what I thought it would be. I can't wait to access your powers. It could just give me the edge I need."  
  
"We'll put out that irritating little flame of yours!" Venom extended a pseudopod and ripped away fire hydrant. Then, reshaping the appendage into a makeshift hose, Venom rechanneled the water. The end of the hose was smaller, and he built up pressure before releasing a spray of water that doused Cell's fire. "Ha! What now, smart guy?"  
  
"Have you ever met an X-Man by the name of Banshee?"  
  
"No, we haven't. Why?"  
  
"He screams really loudly, and can use his sonic waves for various pursuits." Venom cried out as Cell did the same. He clutched his ears, but it didn't stop the symobiote's suffering. It writhed about, pseudopods flailing about randomly.  
  
As suddenly as the assault began, it stopped. "Why did you stop?"  
  
"I decided it was unfair to take advantage of your weaknesses. Besides, I could accidentally kill the symbiote."  
  
"We will eat your spleen!" Venom leapt forward, claw like fingers ready to eviscerate Cell. Cell faded away, and Venom slammed face first into a brick wall. "Ouch".  
  
Cell clenched his fists, and from each fist sprouted three long, metallic claws. "Let's go, bub."  
  
"Where did you get claws like that?"  
  
"I'm the best at what I do. And what I do isn't very nice."  
  
"We were hoping for something a bit more specific."  
  
"I absorbed Wolverine, just like I did the Fantastic Four, the Justice League, the Avengers, the X-Men, the Legion of Doom, and many others. You have no idea how hard it was to assimilate the adamantium." Cell faded away again and sliced through Venom's right arm. The vigilante screamed in pain. "I grow weary of this. I thought you would prove entertaining." Cell's stinger lashed out, and it was all over. As the symbiote spread across Cell's body, neither of the merging beings noticed that the tiny scrap of alien symbiote that had been connected to Eddie Brock's right arm slinking away. Cell had used various psychic and Force techniques to mesmerize the symbiote and make it somewhat controllable, but the increasingly independent alien slinking away wasn't going to be fooled. It found a nearby alley, and hid. It would need to find a host soon in order to survive.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, having finished his business in China, Phil was out flying over the Pacific, roughly twenty miles south of Japan. He was happily listening to a CD entitled, "The Best of Weird Al Yankovich," when his communications watch beeped. He turned off a song entitled, "Yoda," and pressed a small button. "This is Phil. Talk to me."  
  
"This is Ralph. We finally managed to fix the Gravity Room, even without your help! You'll pay for that. But, I called because there was some kind of disturbance over in Tokyo, and it involves Cell."  
  
"I'm listening."  
  
"Well, Venom ran afoul of Cell. There was only one witness, and he says that Cell got him, then left. However, Washuu's scanners are still picking up some kind of alien signature in the area. You should go check it out."  
  
"Roger." Phil utilized the Mystical Powerup, and blasted away.  
  
He arrived about five minutes later and took out the pokedex-like scanning device. He found a trail of blood. He followed it, and found the mutilated corpse of Yoshi. "Ick. OK, obviously Venom still hasn't gone along with the normal super-hero method of taking them alive." He found another pool ten meters away. The scanner decided that this was also human blood, but there were tiny flecks of something alien strewn about in it. The scanner began to flash various colors as attempted to narrow it down. Finally, it flashed a dark purple. "Damn! There's an alien symbiote around here somewhere." Phil readied a sonic grenade. He waved the scanner about, and it said that it was in a nearby alley. He cautiously walked in. He waved it around at eye level, then looked up. That was when the tiny black creature attacked his leg.  
  
Phil attempted to activate the sonic grenade, but a pseudopod from the symbiote knocked it out of the alley. Phil powered up his Chi, attempting to extricate the alien costume with a wall of energy. Unfortunately, it had already slipped under his clothes. All that he managed to do was fling away a few tiny scraps of symbiote, but they came back quickly enough. Phil leapt sideways, hoping to knock it off. He slammed into the wall hard enough to shake loose a few bricks, but the alien simply clung to his skin. "Damn!" It took him a few moments to realize that he was clinging to the wall via Venom's powers. "Well, this is new."  
  
Suddenly, the symbiote connected with his mind. It related the entire sad tale of Cell's attack, and told him that he wanted revenge. "Yeah, you symobiotes do revenge rather nicely." Phil weighed the pros and the cons. On the one hand, he now had a black alien costume bonded to him, possibly forever. On the other, he had all sorts of new powers, like the ability to stick to walls. Webbing would also be cool. Plus, he realized that it would give him a significant boost in strength. "And I'll never have to shop for clothes ever again." This statement alone was enough to make up his mind. "OK, fine. You can stay. Now, we're going to lay down some ground rules. First, no taking over my body when I'm asleep. If you do it, I will find a way to get rid of you. Rule number two: we don't eat spleens, and no making a mask as ugly as Venom's. Got it?" It signaled affirmative. "Good. Now to go home." On a whim, he reformed the costume into Spiderman's and began to websling through the city. After a few moments, he grinned beneath the mask. "Now this is cool."  
  
* * *  
  
"Lord Schlager, our sensors have picked up an object heading our way at high speeds. It is roughly the size of a standard bipedal organism, but it's oddly flat in one spot. We'll have visual in a moment."  
  
"Very good, Mister Sulu." Schlager had picked up the evil Sulu from the alternate dimension some time ago, and had put him in charge of his flagship. The screen came to life, and there was an almost comical being flying towards them. He was naked, and looked like he was made out of chrome. However, the oddest thing about him was that he was riding on a surfboard of the same material. "T'Keela, what do was have on this guy?"  
  
The Twi'lek woman looked down at the tiny computer. After a few moments, she responded, "My Lord, according to our archives, he is a being known as the Silver Surfer. He was apparently a herald of Galactus, the devourer of worlds."  
  
"Yes, he always has been bad for business. Rather inefficient, eating the population with the planet."  
  
"The Surfer has since betrayed Galactus, and has become something of a hero, crusading for "Truth and Justice." A rather futile pursuit, yes?"  
  
"T'Keela I didn't ask for commentary. What kind of power does he have?"  
  
"He is infused with what is known as "The Power Cosmic." His skin is incredibly durable, he can fire energy beams, has incredible strength and has some kind of psychic control over his surfboard. He could prove an interesting quarry, my Lord."  
  
"Very good. Mister Sulu, bring us to a halt. I shall be naught but a moment."  
  
"Yes, Lord Schlager."  
  
With that, Schlager teleported from the bridge. He unsheathed his massive broadsword and pointed the tip at the Surfer. They somehow communicated telepathically. "Silver Surfer, what a pleasant surprise. What brings you to my part of the universe?"  
  
The silver man glared at him. "You know very well what you've done, murderer. I come for justice for the people of Se'kushia who lie dead, and freedom for those who remain."  
  
"Well, that's nice and all, but I for one was planning on playing with you for a bit, perhaps remove one or more limbs, then reveal how little of my full potential I was actually using, then probably you beg for death. How do you like that?" The Silver Surfer's only response was to fire a bolt of energy at Schlager. The horned man didn't even seem to notice the beam of cosmic energy. Schlager faded away, then reappeared with his knee in the Surfer's gut. The Silver Surfer managed to stop his flight by catching himself with board. Schlager unsheathed the broadsword.  
  
Silver Surfer sent a bolt of energy at the sword. "This shall melt your weapon... what? It remains intact? How is this possible?"  
  
Schlager grinned. "This sword is forged of adamantium. I believe you've heard of it." He slashed down, and the Surfer barely managed to avoid the blade. The Surfer focused more cosmic energy.  
  
"You shall not live to harm more innocents, monster!" Twin beams of energy flew out from his hands. Schlager's face contorted in agony as the power struck his chest, incinerated the silk robe. After a few moments, the Silver Surfer found himself unable to continue his attack. A bruise marred Schlager's chest, but there was little other damage. "What!?"  
  
Schlager glared at the Surfer. "That hurt. And you ruined my favorite robe. Prepare to die!" The Surfer, realizing that he was horribly outclassed, flew away. Schlager stayed on his tail. "You can't run, you pathetic weakling! Come back here so that I may smite thee!" Just as he finished his useless chatter, Schlager's foe went to light speed. "Damn!" Schlager teleported back onto his bridge.  
  
"That coward! And I was so looking to dismembering him." He sighed. "I'm depressed. Let's go lay waste to... Alpha Centari. That should make me feel better. To hyperspace, mister Sulu."  
  
"Aye, my Lord."  
  
Meanwhile, the Surfer was flying with all possible speed towards Earth. "The humans must be warned. Perhaps the Fantastic Four can aid me again. This being had powers to dwarf even Galactus' might! His mad campaign must be halted!"  
  
Elsewhere:  
  
Lotion awoke. She took a quick glance of the area, and determined that she was in her grandmother's hut. The old woman was sitting by her bed. She had a stern look etched into her features. "What have you done?"  
  
"What do you mean, Grandmother?"  
  
Gel's features grew even sterner. "I didn't think that I had raised any idiots, but I was wrong. You saw what he did to Soap, and how easily he did it. What were you thinking?"  
  
"I'm not sure. I felt drawn to him. Besides, he's kind of cute."  
  
"WHAT? This is more than some fling, you fool! The Kiss of Marriage is just that! You are now married in the eyes of the tribe! It one of our most sacred vows! You just committed yourself to bring home a man with strength far greater than any member of our tribe."  
  
"Exactly, Grandmother. If I could bring him in, his blood could give the Amazons greater strength than any supposedly "modern" power!"  
  
"You forget that he specifically stated that he wouldn't honor our customs. He is rebellious, and too strong to be brought to heel with physical strength."  
  
"Grandmother, men are simpletons, with only one thing on their mind."  
  
Gel sighed. "I had thought that I had raised you better than that. Haven't I told you that you cannot judge one by their gender?" She sighed in an even more dejected tone. "I suppose the prattlings of an old woman are nothing compared to our tribe's propaganda. That "Phil" was very intelligent. I only foresee failure in your efforts. However, it is too late for regrets. Did you ever consider how you would track one who could fly?"  
  
"I didn't know that he could fly when I kissed him!" She hadn't considered that. She had blacked out shortly after he had taken to the air.  
  
"I suppose you had no way of knowing that. I will give you what aid I can. You can take the family sword." Lotion looked in awe as Gel unsheathed the ancient weapon. Carved into the katana was a pictographic history of Lotion's family. That Gel was willing to bestow such an honor upon her showed that she had great faith in Lotion herself, if not in her quest. "Here. He dropped this. This should help you find him." It was a journal with the words "Ralph's Diary: Keep Out. That Means You, Phil!" written on the cover. She flipped it open. "I believe that it is in English, but these maps are excellent. From what I can gather, he is currently residing in Japan, in this mountain range. I cannot help you beyond that."  
  
"Thank you, Grandmother."  
  
"I pray that you have not doomed yourself. Should you fail, you will be unable to return to this village. I shall miss you."  
  
"And I you, Grandmother."  
  
"Good luck, Lotion." Lotion quickly left the hut, almost forgetting to grab her pack. Gel sighed. "Ah, the impetuousness of youth."  
  
  
  
A few hours later, at the Masaki shrine:  
  
Phil tiptoed in, carefully making sure not to be too loud. According to a nearby clock, it was three in the morning. Or at least, that's what he thought it said. He cursed silently to himself. "Damned Japanese lettering system!" He had arrived a few hours before, and was very happy to be back. He yawned loudly. "I'm gonna sleep till noon. Yeah, that sounds good."  
  
"Hello, Phil."  
  
"Huh?" There, sitting in the shadows, was Ayeka. "What're you doing up, Princess?"  
  
"I've been waiting here for the past eight hours."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You lied. You said that you would be training today. You never came back after lunch. I spent all day hiding in my room, fearing your next attack. But nothing came. What's even worse is that you made those innocent children lie. They said you were plotting. It is obvious that you were doing nothing of the sort. Where were you?"  
  
"Not that it's any of your business, Princess, but I was getting the people who live near Jusenkyo Springs out of Cell's path of destruction."  
  
"The what Springs?"  
  
"If you must know, it is a place of great sorrow. A few thousand years back, something caused a great pocket of black magic to form over a part of the Bayankala mountain range in China. Some say it was the created to reflect the sorrow felt by somebody after the death of a great leader. Others say that some belligerent wizard decided to inflict some evil upon humanity. Nobody really knows. Now, the idea is that, over the millennia, some people and creatures wandered into this cursed place and would, through some accident or another, drown in the pools. Now, if somebody falls into one of these pools, they assume the form of whatever fell into the pool last, or, if they drown, the pool is remade so that whoever falls in takes their shape. Of course, you aren't identical to the person who drowned in the pool. You look like you would have had you been born as that kind of creature or person. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get some sleep."  
  
"I'll get you yet, you monster!" As Phil trudged up the stairs, Ayeka began to think. "These cursed springs... they sound like that pointless Anime, Ranko ¾ or something, that Ryoko is always watching. I see possibility..." And then the Ayeka, she had an idea. An awful idea. Ayeka had a wonderful, awful idea. "I'll make myself a Santy Claus hat and coat." She pondered this for a moment. "Maybe I should try again." Since this could take a while, what say that we skip to the next scene.  
  
End Part 27 


	28. Cell vs Phil About bloody time!

[pic]  
  
Part 28  
  
Cell vs. Phil  
  
(About bloody time!)  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: I don't have access to the illegal  
  
substances necessary to think up most of these  
  
characters.  
  
Also, last chapter I misspelled symbiote "symobiote"  
  
several times. This error will be corrected.  
  
Days Left Until Battle with Cell: 0  
  
Earth, Universe FC-1  
  
Jusenkyo Springs, China  
  
Phil ignited his lightsaber, and the sulfurous yellow  
  
energy blade pierced the pre-dawn gloom. Far beneath  
  
his feet stood SU5, Gohan, GoChibi and Omi. Phil  
  
glared at his opponent. Cell clenched his fists, and  
  
three adamantium blades  
  
sprouted from each hand. Phil concentrated, feeling  
  
Cell's strength. "Well, Cell. It looks as if you  
  
haven't wasted the month we gave you."  
  
"The same could be said of you."  
  
"Shall we begin?"  
  
"Let's shall." A bright yellow aura surrounded Cell.  
  
Phil protested. "Whoa whoa whoa! Time out! There's a  
  
method to this kind of fight. We have to do this in  
  
stages."  
  
"Huh?" Cell deactivated the Super Saiyan  
  
transformation.  
  
"Well, we've already done step one, where we have the  
  
introductory fight, i.e., the World Martial Arts  
  
Tournament. Then for step two, the first main  
  
villains come along and they get killed. I.e. Yakon,  
  
Nelka-Jo, Dabura, etc. Then, we have a semi-main  
  
baddy, in this case, Majin Buu, come along and kick  
  
everybody's communal butts. Then, we go off and train  
  
and learn a new transformation or Powerup or  
  
something. Then, along comes you, the main baddy.  
  
You come along, somebody, in this case Omi, gets rid  
  
of the semi-main baddy, the main baddy and hero fight  
  
a bit, decide that the fight is too close to be  
  
interesting, and then we train some more. Now, we  
  
start off the fight at about a hundredth of our actual  
  
potential, showcase any new techniques we've developed  
  
and beat each other up. Then, once we've fought for  
  
about ten minutes or so, whichever one of us is  
  
getting his head handed to him reveals that they're  
  
significantly less than their full power, and  
  
everybody acts really surprised. After another couple  
  
minutes, the person who didn't power up makes a  
  
similar declaration. Then, we finally reveal our full  
  
potential and good loses, which is OK since there's  
  
always a good guy more powerful than the first  
  
combatant ready to take his place."  
  
Cell considered this for a moment. "You're right.  
  
Where are my manners? Ready?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Let's go."  
  
Author's Note: The rest of this chapter will be  
  
composed mostly of yelling, powering up, firing huge,  
  
insanely powerful attacks and the like. For those who  
  
wish, you can skip to the bottom of the screen, then  
  
onward to chapter 29. Then again, if you don't like  
  
that sort of thing, what are you doing hanging around  
  
the Dragon Ball Z section?  
  
Cell faded away. Phil's Force senses barely alerted  
  
him in time for him to parry a slashing attack from  
  
Cell. The lightsaber and the adamantium claws  
  
connected, sending sparks into the Spring of the  
  
Drowned Mastodon. Phil struck out with his right  
  
foot, catching Cell in the gut, sending the  
  
genetically engineered warrior flying towards the  
  
ground. Cell managed to halt his flight and sent  
  
out a string of webbing flying towards Phil.  
  
"I picked this one off of Venom." A line of webbing intercepted Cell's.  
  
Phil smirked. "What do you know? So did I."  
  
Cell nodded, comprehending. "So that's where the rest of the symbiote went."  
  
Phil summoned a Chi bolt. "Destructo Disk!"  
  
The jagged energy Frisbee flew out, closely following  
  
Cell. At the last possible moment, Cell disappeared  
  
in a puff of smoke, reappearing behind Phil. "Aw  
  
shit!" Phil grabbed Cell's left fist, holding the  
  
claws at bay while his left arm held Cell's right arm  
  
blades at bay. "Take this." Beams of Chi went from  
  
Phil's eyes, burning into Cell's torso. Cell backed  
  
off for a moment. Phil pocketed his lightsaber.  
  
"Where did you learn that one?"  
  
"If Freeza can do it, then so can I."  
  
"Point taken." Cell cupped his hands. "Ka... Me...  
  
Ha... Me... Ha!" The blast of blue energy flew out  
  
towards Phil. The Physics Policeman threw a little  
  
ball of Chi into the center of Cell's attack, causing  
  
a large explosion. The blast forced the spectators off  
  
of their feet. He smirked.  
  
"I hope that wasn't the best that you could do."  
  
"You know it wasn't. Here's a full power one.  
  
Masenko!" This time, a wall of yellow energy shot out  
  
at Phil. He didn't seem the slightest bit nervous.  
  
"Here's a little something that I've been working on.  
  
Phil's ryu ougi!" A little white ball flew out,  
  
intercepting the bolt.  
  
GoChibi and the others stood off to the side, and the  
  
young Saiyan had a perplexed look on her face. She  
  
said, "Phil's desperation move? This is new."  
  
This attack didn't cause an uncontrolled explosion.  
  
Instead, it seemed to absorb the attack, and the  
  
little ball grew larger. It flew past Cell. "Hah!  
  
You missed!" That was when a massive blast sent Cell  
  
flying. He crashed face first into the ground. "What  
  
the hell?"  
  
Phil grinned. "A modified Spirit Bomb. You see,  
  
instead of slowly absorbing the energy from plants and  
  
trees and stuff, it rapidly assimilates raw Chi, such  
  
as is found in a Kamehameha or a Masenko. Also, I can  
  
detonate it at will, as you just saw. It doesn't need  
  
to be a direct hit, unlike most assaults. Not bad,  
  
eh?"  
  
Cell spat some grass from his mouth. "Yes. Very  
  
impressive." Cell disappeared in another puff of  
  
smoke, and grabbed Phil. "What say we go for a little  
  
trip?" Before Phil could react, Cell was teleporting  
  
across the battlefield.  
  
Ralph winced. "Ouch. That's got to hurt."  
  
Ecks said, "Huh?"  
  
"It isn't very pleasant to be teleported by  
  
Nightcrawler. I can really screw up your equilibrium."  
  
Ecks said, "Whatever."  
  
Phil also seemed to realize this. "Kaio-ken!" An  
  
explosive red aura surrounded Phil, and he managed to  
  
break away. Cell teleported away before he realized  
  
that his passenger was gone. Phil used the Force to  
  
predict where he would appear from next. Still  
  
surrounded by his red aura, Phil pointed his hands at  
  
Cell. "Shi Shi Houkou Dan!" The purple attack flew  
  
out at Cell, causing him to disappear in the bright  
  
flash. A moment later, Cell became visible again.  
  
Smoke wafted from his singed hide.  
  
"Ouch."  
  
Suddenly, the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons  
  
appeared from nowhere. "Hold on there! In Chapter  
  
18, it was revealed that Phil could never use the  
  
Kaio-ken ever again, lest he suffer a fatal heart  
  
attack! Worst episode ever!"  
  
Phil glared at him. "For your information, I've  
  
determined that I'm only barred from the higher levels  
  
of the Kaio-ken. So back off!"  
  
"Very well. Now if you'll excuse me, I must return  
  
to the Android's Dungeon." He waddled away, and  
  
returned from whence he came.  
  
Phil assumed a ready position. "Now, where were we?"  
  
"Care t' hear the Banshee's wail, laddie?" Cell  
  
inhaled.  
  
Phil cursed. "Damn! The symbiote's weakness!" The  
  
waves of sound buffeted him, causing Phil and his  
  
alien companion significant pain. Phil gritted his  
  
teeth. "So... horrible! Must... block... out... the  
  
pain! Must... talk... like... this!" Phil  
  
disappeared, then reappeared behind Cell, lightsaber  
  
blazing. He stabbed Cell through one of his kidneys,  
  
forcing him to stop. "You know, Cell, that adamantium  
  
skeleton of yours doesn't do a thing for your guts."  
  
Cell's face was a mask of pain. However, it was more  
  
because of the pain the wailing had caused his own symbiote  
  
than any effort on Phil's part. "I'll... have...  
  
to... make a note... of that." Cell broke away, and  
  
his body began to glow. "Now let us see how you fare  
  
against the power of Storm."  
  
"What, you got the X-Men to?"  
  
"Yup." A hurricane of the likes not seen in human  
  
history began to whirl around Phil. It was all that  
  
Phil could do to maintain his position, much less  
  
launch an attack. Then, the lightning began to  
  
strike. It wasn't strong enough to significantly hurt  
  
Phil, but it still stung.  
  
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. And did I mention ow?"  
  
"East wind blow! North wind blow! Hail! Lightning!  
  
Snow! Smog! I call upon you all!"  
  
Phil began to gather energy. "I've got to time this  
  
perfectly. I need to disrupt his control." Another  
  
bolt of lightning struck him. "Owch! That hurts!" He  
  
began to glow a bright yellow as his Chi began to  
  
reach higher levels. Finally, Phil brought his hands  
  
together, homing in on where he thought that Cell was.  
  
"BIG BANG ATTACK!" A powerful wave of yellow energy  
  
flew out.  
  
Cell, still focused in utilizing his new control over  
  
the elements, didn't notice the attack in time to  
  
dodge it. "Aw crap." The Chi blast washed over him,  
  
and the weather calmed, much to the relief of the  
  
noncombatants. However, the shockwave that followed  
  
Phil's attack knocked them around, almost dumping  
  
Ralph into the Spring of the drowned Pig. He halted just a few  
  
inches over the pit, using the Force to levitate himself.  
  
"Hey! Watch it!"  
  
Once again, Cell was smoking. However, his healing  
  
factor was already repairing the damage. "Should you  
  
say it, or should I?"  
  
"I'd like to. You can go next."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Cell, if you think that this is my true power, then  
  
you are even stupider than you look! I'm currently  
  
using less than a hundredth of my full potential!"  
  
"Well, that was a nice warm up, wasn't it?"  
  
"Indeed. Let's turn up the heat." With that, a blue  
  
battle aura surrounded Phil, and a similar energy  
  
surrounded Cell. Their power levels jumped up about  
  
twenty times. Phil smirked. "Still holding back,  
  
Cell?"  
  
"No more than you."  
  
"True enough. Improved Kamehameha!" Phil jerked his  
  
hand back, sending a laser bolt at Cell. Cell used an  
  
invisible force field to block the attack. However,  
  
the powerful beam simply drilled through, blasting  
  
away a good portion of Cell's right arm. The  
  
adamantium skeleton glistened as the sun came  
  
over the horizon. In a few moments, the nanobots  
  
within Cell rebuilt the limb's flesh and skin.  
  
"Well, Sue Richards' power is completely useless.  
  
That didn't knock off more than one percent of the  
  
energy from that beam. Flame on!" Cell regretted  
  
this, as the flame toasted his symbiote. He grimaced.  
  
"Oops. We forgot about that."  
  
"Are we becoming a bit schizophrenic, Cell?"  
  
"Stupid symbiote!" He considered his position. "I  
  
can't extend my anatomy, thanks to the adamantium  
  
skeleton, and I'm already using the Thing's strength  
  
with my own... damn! I absorbed the Fantastic Four  
  
for nothing!"  
  
"Boo hoo." Phil summoned a pair of red and black  
  
energy disks. "Destructo Disk!" He threw both at  
  
Cell.  
  
Cell simply ducked under the twin disks. "Hah! What  
  
was that supposed to..." Even over the extreme  
  
dangers of Jusenkyo Springs, Cell's Spider Sense  
  
warned him of the coming attack. He narrowly evaded  
  
the disks as they pulled a U-turn. "Borrowing attacks  
  
from Vegeta and Freeza? My, how the mighty have  
  
fallen."  
  
Phil smirked arrogantly. "They're a couple of muscle  
  
bound morons, but they know their stuff." Phil  
  
twisted his arms around, sending one disk straight at  
  
Cell while the other came in above from his right.  
  
The first was dodged, but the other bit into his tail,  
  
cutting off the blade. Phil thought, "Note to self:  
  
that tail doesn't have an adamantium skeleton." He  
  
simply let the energy disks dissipate. "Cell, all of  
  
these fancy attacks aren't getting us anywhere. I  
  
think that we'll have to go to good old fashioned  
  
fisticuffs."  
  
"Agreed." The two flew in straight at each other.  
  
However, at the last moment Cell angled downwards,  
  
then rebounded, placing both of his fists into Phil's  
  
gut, sending the Physics Policeman flying. Phil  
  
struggled for breath as the wind was knocked from him.  
  
"Predictable, Phil."  
  
"Ouch." Phil staggered back to his feet. Again,  
  
Phil flew in. "Take this!" Phil and Cell began  
  
trading blows. Phil blocked Cell's punch, then  
  
launched a kick, which Cell leapt over. Continuing  
  
his movement, Cell pulled a leapfrog maneuver, sending  
  
Phil to the ground once again. "I reiterate: ouch."  
  
By this time, Phil was covered with several large  
  
bruises and cuts. Despite the repeated beatings  
  
inflicted on Cell, he seemed to be unhurt.  
  
"Alright! Enough playing around!" Phil's eyes  
  
glowed white and the energy of the Mystical Powerup  
  
surrounded him. Before Cell could respond, Phil had  
  
placed a fist into Cell's gut. "Burn." He fired a  
  
blast of energy into Cell's gut, vaporizing several  
  
major organs. Cell cried out in pain. Phil saw an  
  
oppening. "Time to finish this! Perfect Shi Shi  
  
Houkou Dan!" A bright flash of light filled the air.  
  
When it became bearable to look, there was no sign of Cell anywhere.  
  
"I... won?"  
  
GoChibi flashed Phil a thumbs up. "Nice work! Now  
  
we can go home!"  
  
"This isn't right! My blast wasn't strong enough to  
  
vaporize that adamantium."  
  
"Very good. You aren't as stupid as you look." Cell  
  
stood behind Phil. He had placed a hand on his  
  
stomach to keep his intestines from flopping out while  
  
his healing factor and nanobots scrambled to undo the  
  
damage. "That really hurt. You caught me by  
  
surprise; so much for your stupid rules." Cell's body  
  
was engulfed in a dull yellow glow. Phil activated  
  
his lightsaber. "That toy can't hurt me. Put it  
  
away."  
  
Phil ignored Cell's taunting. He thought, "Man, do I  
  
hurt. I can't take the time for a senzu bean, or else  
  
he'll be all over me. Think... Think, damn you!"  
  
Phil summoned another Chi ball. This one glowed a  
  
black color, and red colored electricity traced along  
  
it. "Dragon Blast!" The Chi ball was converted into  
  
a bolt of black energy that flew out at Cell. The  
  
composite warrior simply deflected the blow. It flew  
  
into a nearby hill and exploded, spraying everybody  
  
with thick loam.  
  
"And what was that supposed to do? That was the  
  
weakest attack you've thrown at me all day."  
  
"It made a wonderful distraction, doesn't it?" Phil  
  
caught Cell in the back of the head with a kick. Cell  
  
didn't even seem to notice the strike. "Rapid-fire  
  
Kamehameha!" A barrage of laser bolts flew into the  
  
back of Cell. The thick, beetle like wings were shorn  
  
away by the energy, but Cell didn't even seem to  
  
notice. The wings grew back moments later. Undaunted,  
  
Phil continued. "Sweet Chestnuts Roasting on an Open  
  
Fire!" Phil's hands moved with even greater speed,  
  
and the cartilage connecting the metal coated bones in  
  
Cell's back snapped and cracked. Again, no visible  
  
effect. Now Phil was nervous. He backed off. "How  
  
the hell did you do that?"  
  
Cell smirked. "Give up yet? I'm far more powerful than you could  
  
ever imagine."  
  
"I'll fight till I drop!" That was when Phil had a  
  
flash of insight. "Which is exactly what you want.  
  
So that's why you've been on the defensive this whole  
  
time. You can last longer in a pitched battle than I  
  
can!"  
  
"Give the man a cigar." Cell caught Phil in the face  
  
with a strike from his tail, sending the Physics  
  
Policeman flying. Phil flew towards the Spring of the  
  
Drowned Girl. (Cue a drum roll).  
  
"Time out! I'd like to use a lifeline!"  
  
Very well. With that, Phil was able to alter his  
  
path to avoid a fate worse than any he could imagine.  
  
Remember Phil, that was your last lifeline.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Author no baka. Solar Flare!" While Cell was blinded,  
  
Phil reappeared behind Cell. This time, he didn't  
  
waste any time on ineffective Chi techniques. Phil's  
  
symbiote produced some webbing and stuck it to the  
  
back of Cell's head.  
  
"What, you're going to pester me to death?"  
  
Phil unclipped a sonic grenade and placed it on the  
  
sticky webbing. "G'Bye." Phil quickly flew away.  
  
Cell attempted to grab the grenade, but was unable to in time. He shrieked in pain as the symbiote writhed in agony. Phil nodded. "Now I just need to keep hitting his weak spots."  
  
Ralph agreed. "Charmelion, Fire Blast!"  
  
"Char!" (Righto, old sport. We'll give 'em 'ell,  
  
wot wot!").  
  
Ralph readied his own spell. "Fireball!"  
  
The twin flame attacks struck the disoriented Cell.  
  
Again, Cell's connection to the symbiote caused his  
  
extreme agony. Phil reappeared next to Gohan. "All  
  
we've managed to do is distract him. Time to take it  
  
to the next level. Fusion Dance!"  
  
The pair began a complicated series of movements.  
  
After a bright flash of light, Ph'lan stood there,  
  
with a smirk plastered on his face. The fused warrior  
  
snarfed a senzu bean. "Time for round two, you ugly  
  
green bastard."  
  
"Oh, I'm so afraid. What do you want on your  
  
tombstone?" Then Cell smacked his forehead. "Oh  
  
yeah, that's right! When I absorb you, there won't be  
  
enough left for a funeral! Silly me."  
  
"Up yours." Ph'lan concentrated. For a few moments,  
  
nothing happened. Then, chunks of debris lifted off  
  
of the ground.  
  
"What, the Mystical Powerup again? How predictable."  
  
Ph'lan ignored the taunt. The air around Ph'lan  
  
began to shimmer, and Ph'lan's eyes shifted from their usual green  
  
to turquoise orbs that lacked any visible pupil.  
  
Then, the air began to fill with electricity.  
  
Finally, Ph'lan's hair shifted to yellow and grew  
  
upwards. The various bits of rock began to fall from  
  
the sky. "What? But the Mystical Powerup is far more  
  
effective than the Super Saiyan state!"  
  
"Yes, but it isn't compatible with my advanced Chi  
  
technique. This is. Alright, enough stalling."  
  
Ph'lan faded away, then reappeared to Cell's right.  
  
Cell attempted to catch the fused warrior with a slice  
  
from his adamantium claws, but they only passed  
  
through his afterimage. A one-two punch combo caught  
  
Cell in the gut. It sent him flying into a nearby  
  
cursed pool. When Cell exited, Ph'lan had to laugh.  
  
"OK, now for a cliffhanger."  
  
End Part 28 


	29. The Cell Saga Ends

Part 29  
  
The Cell Saga Ends  
  
Disclaimer: You know, this is futile. I mean, we all know that I didn't invent most of these people, yet hundreds of fanfiction authors still feel compelled to do it. Therefore, as an act of rebellion, I refuse to mention that this is a work of art and not an attempt to make money off of any of these franchises. So there!  
  
Author's note: I'll bet you never saw this ending coming!  
  
For those few who opted to skip last chapter, here's a recap.  
  
Phil and Cell bashed on each other for a bit. Then, each unveiled their full potential. Phil found himself unable to injure Cell, so Phil used his symbiote's web to attach a sonic grenade to the back of Cell's head and Ralph used a fire attack to keep him down. Taking advantage of the momentary respite, Phil did the Fusion Dance with Gohan, thus unleashing Ph'lan, one of the most powerful warriors in the known multiverse. They transformed to Super Saiyan Level Two, and attacked.  
  
Ph'lan faded away, then reappeared to Cell's right. Cell attempted to catch the fused warrior with a slice from his adamantium claws, but they only passed through his afterimage. A one-two punch combo caught Cell in the gut. It sent him flying into a nearby cursed pool. When Cell exited, Ph'lan had to laugh.  
  
There, in what can only be described as a birthday suit, was a woman. Cell's symbiote instinctively shifted to cover up the NC-17 rated material. (It had had two hosts before Cell, and neither liked to be naked in public; this was one of many odd traits of humanity that it didn't understand). Cell looked down and did a double take. The costume was the one worn by Venom without a mask, but Cell noticed that her body was completely different. She was still a level one Super Saiyan, so her blonde hair extended upwards. She glared at Ph'lan. "You know, this will have very little effect on me. Do you have any idea how many shapeshifters I've absorbed?" Cell concentrated. After a moment, she reverted to her true form. Once he focused his attention on Ph'lan again, however, he became she. "What?"  
  
Ph'lan grinned. "These ancient curses usually have only one cure, and no loopholes. What you need is some hot water." Ph'lan pretended to scan. "Huh. None to be found. Oh well. I'll just have to make some then." Ph'lan summoned a black and red orb. "Dragon Blast!"  
  
"No!" Cell's protest came too late. Before the confused warrior could get away, Ph'lan's blast hit the water, simultaneously superheating it and sending a large wave up. "Eek!" When Cell was again visible, Cell was still in his female form.  
  
Ecks tapped Ralph's shoulder. "Wait a second. I thought hot water cured the curse."  
  
Ralph nodded. "Normally, yes. However, when the cursed water is hot, it gives one a reversed curse, triggered by hot water and cured by cold. Now Cell has two curses, each identical, and each trapping her. No amount of water at any temperature will help her."  
  
Ecks winced. "That doesn't sound pleasant."  
  
"Nope." Ralph was then hit by a flash of inspiration. He cupped his hands over his mouth. "Phil, I know you can hear me in there!"  
  
"Whadaya want?"  
  
"I know how to beat Cell. This fight is unnecessary!"  
  
"I don't particularly care. Besides, I've spent the last three years constantly fighting and training for this kind of battle. I will not have all of that time be a waste!" With that, Phil shifted back into the Ph'lan persona.  
  
"But I know how to beat Cell without any superpowers!"  
  
"Shut up, Ralph."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Shaddap!"  
  
Meanwhile, Cell glared at Ph'lan. "I'll kill you for this. Wait, change that. I'm going to kill you very slowly for this."  
  
Ph'lan snorted. "Oh, come on! Your natural form was specifically designed to optimize your Chi potential and strength. You're a lot weaker in this form. Also, absorbing all of those heroes wouldn't do you any good; you already had their strength and powers, so you aren't significantly stronger. I, on the other hand, just spent the last month training at two thousand times Earth's gravity. I already had a power advantage, you just became a lot weaker, and Omi and GoChibi can also fuse. You've lost, Cell."  
  
She grinned. "Oh really? Here's a little item I stole from Juggernaut."  
  
"What, the X-Men villain?"  
  
"Bingo." She pulled a red crystal from a pocket of the symbiote. "I've been saving this for just such an emergency."  
  
Ralph's eyes widened as he recognized the ruby. "Take her out! Now! The power of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak will put her beyond anything you've ever seen!"  
  
"What?" But it was too late for Ph'lan to act.  
  
Cell said, "Whosoever touches this gem shall possess the power of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak." The Earth began to shake, and Ph'lan was held back by an wall of red energy. "Henceforth, you who read these words shall become forevermore a human juggernaut!" She cried out as her body was reshaped. The crystal buried itself deep within her chest. When the process was over, she was about eight feet tall, and incredibly muscular. She was clothed in red armor, with a metallic helmet that covered her entire head. "Ready for round three, pinhead?"  
  
"Your fancy crystal doohickey doesn't scare me!" Ph'lan raced in at high speeds, attempting to catch her with another attack. She simply stood her ground. Ph'lan rammed into her gut, and bounced off. "What the hell?"  
  
She grinned. "Now to make you suffer, you asshole!"  
  
Ph'lan nervously looked back at the Omi and GoChibi. "Uh, girls, this might be a good time to do your Fusion Dance."  
  
"OK." A moment later, Omigo stood where the pair of future girls had performed the dance. She also shifted to Super Saiyan level two. "You're going down, Cell. In the name of the Future Moon, I shall punish you! Sailor Minimoon Transformation!" After a scene involving a lot of spinning and some nudity, Omigo was dressed in a pink Sailor Fuku. "I hate this thing, but I need all the power I can get."  
  
Cell stood there, arms crossed over her chest. "I'm unimpressed. Can we get this over with? I have a planet to destroy."  
  
Ph'lan looked at his companion. "We have to work together if we're even going to scratch her. Got it?"  
  
"Yeah. Improved Kamehameha Rapid-fire Mode!" The pair sent a hail of energy bolts out at Cell. There was a massive explosion as they struck home. "Direct hit!" When the smoke cleared, Cell seemed completely undamaged. "How in the blue hell did she survive that? That was enough energy to vaporize a large planet!"  
  
"You just don't get it, do you? Think about it; Cain Marko goes from some nobody with above average strength to a guy who could match the Hulk. Now, I go from the most powerful being in the universe, to... let's not mince words, God. It's that simple."  
  
Ph'lan said, "Don't you mean goddess?"  
  
Cell cracked her knuckles. "You just earned yourself even more suffering."  
  
Ph'lan clenched his fists. "Improved Super Kaio-ken times ten!" A dull red glow surrounded him, and his Chi boosted to new levels. And he was still nothing compared to Cell. "Damn!" Ph'lan ignited his lightsaber. Then, Ph'lan noticed something; Cell was still using her Super Saiyan state, with an explosive yellow aura. He thought, "Man is she egotistical! She's not even concerned about how much energy she's giving off!" Then Ph'lan had an idea. "I can use her own strength against her."  
  
Ph'lan summoned a white ball of Chi. This one was significantly larger than the previous attack. "Phil's Ryu Ougi!" The modified Spirit Bomb flew out, and Cell attempted to dodge it. However, Ph'lan used his Force powers to redirect the attack in midair, sending it flying into Cell's aura. The ball rapidly absorbed large amounts of Chi, then exploded on contact. When the smoke cleared, Cell seemed unhurt, although her Chi had dropped slightly. However, this confirmed two things. 1) Although the power of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak made her stronger, it impeded her speed, and 2) showed that her energy could be absorbed. Ph'lan summoned another ball.  
  
Cell realized that she couldn't win if this kept up. "He'll eventually suck me dry... I've got it!" She let the attack come. She simply reversed her transformation, so the tiny ball of Chi dissipated upon contact with her chest. "Cut off the power, and that attack is useless." The yellow aura surrounded her again. "Now it's my turn." She faded out of sight, and reappeared behind Ph'lan. However, her adamantium claws found only thin air. "What? Oof!" Ph'lan's kick caught her in the back, and would have snapped her spine had it not been encased in adamantium.  
  
"Perfect Shi Shi Houkou Dan!" The blast of purple energy sent her flying into the ground. The attack also vaporized a few of the pools. "Direct hit!"  
  
Cell shook her head in an attempt to clear the cobwebs. "How is this possible? I'm a lot more powerful than he is, but I can't touch him." Then she realized something. "It's just like when Future Trunks went fully into the Ascended Saiyan state; my muscles are too large and bulky. The Crimson Bands make me way stronger, but it slows me down." She powered down significantly, and bore a closer resemblance to her previous state. "There. That should do it."  
  
Ph'lan cursed. "Damn! I was hoping she wouldn't realize that. She just cut her power in half, and she's still stronger than the two of us combined!"  
  
Cell faded away, then caught Omigo with a brutal kick to the gut. She didn't stop there; the fused girl was subjected to a uppercut that sent her sailing through the sky. Ph'lan caught Cell in a full nelson. With a muffled "bamf" and a puff of smoke, Cell teleported out of his grasp. "Damn!"  
  
On the sidelines, Ralph had an idea. Ralph attempted to strike her mind with the Force. "Take out the mind, and the body soon follows..." Ralph found himself blocked. "What? Cell doesn't have enough Force training to do that!"  
  
Cell smirked through the helmet. She flicked it with her middle finger, causing a loud ringing. The symbiote flinched, and she made a mental note not to do that again. Then she remembered what she was trying to demonstrate. "This helmet makes me impervious to all mental and magical attacks. You're helpless."  
  
Ralph cried out, "Ph'lan! Remove the..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've read enough X-Men to know that."  
  
Cell then cried out in pain. Omigo was floating behind her, with the blue blade of her lightsaber extending from Cell's stomach. "Take that."  
  
Cell coughed up some blood. "You know what, girly? That *hack* really doesn't hurt at all." Her adamantium blades left their housing and Cell slashed through the lightsaber's handle. "Let's see how you like my claws." Omigo attempted to avoid the strike, but three claws embedded themselves into her chest. Her eyes widened, and she attempted to speak. However, all that she managed to do was to get blood on her Fuku, as the claws had punctured her lungs. After a few seconds, her eyes reverted to their normal brown, and then glazed over. Her hair went from yellow to green, and she fell to the ground in a heap.  
  
Ph'lan's aura grew larger. "No! No more innocents shall die on my watch!" Fueled by his anger, his power level rose nearly ten percent. This boost gave the Ph'lan a fighting chance, and the sulfurous yellow blade met the unyielding metal.  
  
On the ground, Ralph was attempting to perform a healing spell. His hands glowed yellow for a moment, and waves of manna flowed into the girl. However, Omigo's condition continued to deteriorate. He finally managed to use a spell to put her into a weak healing trance, but it was only a temporary fix. It would, at best, give her another five minutes. "There's too much dark magic in the area to perform anything serious enough to help her. We can't do anything, Ecks."  
  
Ecks was shocked, and tears rolled down her cheeks. This was the closest she had ever been to death. Then she noticed an object lying on the ground next to the wounded girl. "What's that?"  
  
"Just some... Silver Imperium Crystal?"  
  
"The what?"  
  
"It's the most powerful magical artifact in the universe! It can heal the wounded, raise the dead, reshape matter! This could be exactly what we need to beat Cell!" Ralph reached out to pick it up, and received a painful shock for his trouble. "Ouch! So much for that. It must only recognize GoChibi as its proper user. Why didn't I see it before? She brought it to the past in the Anime, why not here?" He then looked up at Ecks. "Grab it."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're close enough to being a Sailor Senshi that you can survive long enough to get it into physical contact with her. From what I've read, it's intelligent enough to take it from there."  
  
"OK." She reached out, and gritted her teeth as tendrils of electricity coursed up and down her arm. She dropped it twice, but finally managed to put it into the girl's hands. Almost immediately, her chest wounds closed up. However, Ralph's healing trance kept her unconscious. "Now it's all in Ph'lan's hands. Even if he doesn't stand a chance in hell."  
  
"Gee, thanks Ralph." Ph'lan slashed out with the lightsaber, slicing into Cell's abdomen. However, her healing factor and nanobots quickly repaired the damage. "Damn it all! Multiform technique!" Ph'lan's outline became blurred for a moment, and four Ph'lans stood where one had been before. Three went into battle, dancing around Cell. The other flew back for a conference. "I can't win. I've calmed down enough that I lost the boost." One of the Ph'lans took a punch to the gut that sent him flying. "Ooh. I'm gonna be feeling that soon. Anyways, she's too strong, and that healing factor of hers is too quick to let me get in any serious wounds. I have an idea. Do you have any spells that use magnetism?"  
  
Ralph considered it. "I think so. Why?"  
  
"See if you can separate Cell from the adamantium. When Magneto did that to Wolverine in the X-Men comics, it shut down his healing factor for a few months. She'll still have Piccolo's regeneration technique, but it'll at least let me hurt her."  
  
"Right. Just keep her busy while I find it. Also, remove the helmet or I can't cast the spell."  
  
Ph'lan nodded, then faded away. Two of the others were also converted into energy and absorbed by the remaining Ph'lan. He shook his head. Various wounds caught up with him simultaneously, and he collapsed. Reaching into his back pocket, he managed to eat a senzu bean in time to be kicked in the gut by a vengeful Cell. "You've trapped me in this accursed form. I've played with you long enough. Now you die." She readied a Chi bolt.  
  
Ph'lan thought quickly. "Solar Flare!" Cell was momentarily blinded, and Ph'lan managed to slip behind him. He then placed his hands on either side of the helmet. Focusing massive amounts of Chi, he cried out, "Big Bang Attack!" For Cell and Ph'lan, all the world was engulfed in a bright, yellow flash.  
  
Ralph saw the roiling fireball headed towards them. He spread out his hands. "I call up the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak!" A force field surrounded the noncombatants, and Ph'lan's attack washed over them.  
  
Ecks said, "Isn't that what Cell's using?"  
  
"Yup. But, if Doctor Strange can do it, so can I." All around them, the top five feet of soil had been completely vaporized by the attack. Several cursed springs had ceased to exist. A nearby mountain had been vaporized, and a landslide was now falling to envelop a nearby valley.  
  
* * *  
  
In the Chinese Amazons' village, men and women of all ages were scurrying about, unsure of where to run. Gel was in a meditative stance. The earth shook beneath their feet, and several huts had collapsed. Despite Gel's warnings, the tribe had stayed. Soap begged her, "Oh wise elder, what do you foresee?"  
  
Gel smirked, despite the dire situation. "Wise elder, is it? Three days ago, according to you, I was a "blind old fool" who was almost stoned for heresy, simply because I suggested that we should leave before we were destroyed. "Of course no man is this strong", you said. "The Amazons are the greatest power of in the world." Now you know better. I hope that the pride of you and our sisters hasn't killed us all."  
  
"Please! I asked a question of you?"  
  
"The future is in flux, Soap. It is clouded by the specter of death. However, the man that you attacked is at the center of it all. Our fate is in his hands. There is no more I can tell you." Soap went off to tell the acting matriarch. Gel sighed. "May the Gods be with you, Phil."  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
Cell's ears were burning. Not because somebody was talking about her, however; her ears were literally on fire. She quickly converted her body into ice, then unfroze herself. This was enough to hold the fire at bay. She found that the helmet no longer blocked her peripheral vision. In fact, it had been completely vaporized. She listened, and heard nothing. She couldn't even communicate with the symbiote, which had died in the blast. She said, "Now where is he?" That was when she realized that all she could hear was a buzzing noise. The loud boom that accompanied the attack had deafened her. The nanobots and her healing factor restored her senses in a few moments. Now, she could hear the ragged sound of her own breathing. "If I was hurt this badly, then the shockwave will have killed all of those meddling fools. Good."  
  
"Not quite."  
  
"What?" Standing behind her was Phil. His half hour of being Ph'lan had run out. His Chi was almost at zero, and she was impressed that he could stand up at all. "How did you survive that? How?"  
  
"I'm more powerful than you give me credit for." He reached into his back pocket, looking for a senzu bean.  
  
"Don't bother. By the time you get that into your mouth, you'll be dead."  
  
"Oh really? Hit it, Ralph."  
  
Ralph gestured with his wand. "By Vulcan, God of Metallurgy, Magnetus Totalitae!" Ralph's spell caused every metal items in the immediate area to be drawn towards his wand. Phil was forced to unclip his lightsaber to avoid being drawn in.  
  
For Cell, it was pure agony. She wailed as the adamantium was leeched from her bones. The pain became worse as it took the only escape route open to them: her pores. Also, the nanobots that swam through her veins were also drawn out of her body. She collapsed, as the misshapen metal was drawn towards the enchanted wand.  
  
Phil snarfed the bean, and the energy flowed through his body. He utilized the Mystical Powerup. "Time for the final round, Cell. If you can stand, that it."  
  
Cell felt a wet sensation along her limbs. She looked, and saw her own blood flowing freely. "How did you do that?" She focused, and she could feel various wounds to her vital organs being slowly repaired by the magics of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak, but it wasn't nearly as efficient as before. "What... my healing factor should be a lot faster than this!" She staggered to her feet, but was knocked down by one of the pseudopoda that Phil's symbiote had extended.  
  
"As strong as it is, adamantium is just as vulnerable to magnetism as the iron it was made from. And for the second question, your body's in extreme shock. Ralphie boy here just knocked out your healing factor."  
  
"God, that hurts." She began to focus her Chi, and a few of her wounds were healed. Again, she came to her feet. "You think you've won, don't you?"  
  
"You can hardly stand, so yeah, I'd say it was a pretty safe bet."  
  
"You forget one very important thing."  
  
"And that is?"  
  
She unleashed the full energy of the crystal that was now a part of her. "You aren't as fast as you were before. I don't need to pull my punches to be able to hit you." Before Phil could respond, her large, meaty fist lashed and caught him in the chin. The Mystical Warrior went unconscious, and would have a nasty headache for another week or so. That is, if Cell let him live. However, she turned her attention to Ralph. "You caused me a lot of pain, Jedi. You're a wild card, and a major threat to my continued existence. I think I'll kill you first."  
  
Ralph grinned. "Now we get to do this my way. Hey Cell, do I get a last request?"  
  
Cell thought. "Well, I suppose..."  
  
"Cell, how long have you been alive?"  
  
She halted. This question caught her completely off guard. "About two months. Why?"  
  
Behind his back, Ralph pressed a few buttons on a cylindrical device. Pulling out his neuralizer, Ralph said, "Goodbye, Cell." In a flash of red light, the being known as Cell ceased to exist.  
  
Cell looked around. "Huh? Where am I?" She then realized that even more vital information was missing. "Who am I?"  
  
Ralph grinned wickedly. "Sister Mary, that was quite a bump to the head you took."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh dear. It would seem that you have suffered amnesia. I'll tell you everything. You are sister Mary, and you are a nun."  
  
"I am?"  
  
"Yes child. Lying over there is... Pope Phil. Yes, that will do nicely. You don't remember anything?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, your holy task is to... keep the cursed springs of Jusenkyo clean!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
Ralph worked hard to suppress a giggle. This was working better than he had thought it would. "Yes. Here is your mop." She took the cleaning implement. Oh dear, what is that you're wearing?"  
  
She looked down. "What's wrong with it?"  
  
"Why, it's filthy. And torn. And you aren't that muscular."  
  
"Oh." Somehow, she instinctively powered down. Her hair became a bright pink, and was shoulder length. From his infinitely large Anime back pocket, Ralph pulled out some nun-style clothing.  
  
"I knew it was a good idea to hold onto this after Halloween. Here you go. Now, get to work! This is quite a mess you've made!"  
  
"I did?"  
  
Ralph was having a very good time. "YES! There used to be a church here, but you accidentally lit the propane tanks! For this sin, you must rebuild it!"  
  
"Yes, Father! I shall do it!"  
  
"You shall be forgiven when your task is complete."  
  
She bowed. "I will begin at once!" Taking her mop, Cell... that is, Sister Mary ran swiftly out of earshot. That was when the giggles that Ralph had been suppressing burst out.  
  
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I don't think Phil could have done better!"  
  
Phil and Gohan woke up. They looked around, scanning the area. "What happened?" said Phil.  
  
"Oh, I just beat Cell."  
  
'Oh, that's nice. Now where's Ce..." Phil did a rapid double take. "YOU BEAT WHO?"  
  
"Cell. It's no big deal."  
  
"NO BIG DEAL? WHAT DID YOU DO?"  
  
"Oh, I neuralized her. She thinks that she's a nun by the name of Sister Mary. Oh, and I told her that you're the pope."  
  
"WHAT?" Phil stopped. "Ah man, that's perfect! I wish I'd thought of that!"  
  
"I thought you'd be pleased." A groan from nearby indicated that Omigo was waking up.  
  
She rubbed her chest. There were three parallel scars. "What happened?"  
  
Ralph said, "Oh, we just beat Cell. Nothing important."  
  
"Oh, that's... YOU DID WHAT?"  
  
Ralph said to Phil, "I see the family resemblance." The Fusion Dance wore off, and GoChibi looked down at the Silver Imperium Crystal. "Now, how long have you had that there?"  
  
"The entire time, I suppose. It just didn't seem important."  
  
Phil sighed. "I can see the Usagi leaking through. Now, let's just go back to the shrine. I feel like I could sleep for a week."  
  
Gohan yawned. "I second that motion."  
  
"Oh, Gohan, you can go home now. We won't be needing you anymore."  
  
"What? You think you can just toss me aside when I'm not useful anymore?"  
  
"In a word, yes."  
  
Gohan sighed. "Well, I guess I should be going anyways. Mom will be wondering where I've been."  
  
Phil waved it off. "She already knows. Don't worry."  
  
GoChibi gave her father a hug. "I'll miss you, Daddy."  
  
"See you later, squirt." He flew away to Japan.  
  
Phil watched him leave. "Well, we have places to be. C'mon."  
  
Later that night, at the Masaki Shrine:  
  
SU5 and accompanying future girls were walking the short path between the porch and the door. Phil turned the knob, and gave Ralph a sideways glance. "Well, despite the author's best attempts, I didn't fall into the Spring of the Drowned Girl. Cell is defeated, and soon everything will be back to normal. Things are definitely looking up."  
  
As he walked through the door, Ayeka was waiting for him. "Oh, hi Ayeka."  
  
She glared at him angrily. "Prepare for my righteous vengeance!"  
  
"Huh?" She cocked her arm back, ready to let fly with... a water balloon? It flew through the air, and Phil didn't even bother to respond. As the cold water splattered on his shirt, he felt a tingly sensation. Suddenly, everything else grew, and he felt an odd sensation about his chest. "What the... since when is my voice that high?" Phil brushed some long blue hair from about his eyes, and realized that his hair was neither long, nor blue. It all came together. "Bobcat!"  
  
What, I told you I wouldn't give up so easily.  
  
She glared at Ayeka. "When did you do that?"  
  
I can answer that; I had that scene two chapters ago so that she could learn about the Springs, and gave her three days of unspecified time to work with. Ayeka wasn't affected by the pool, since she already was a girl. So there. Ha ha!  
  
Meanwhile, Phil was not a happy aquatranssexual.* The anger. The humiliation. The rage. The fatigue. The murderous impulses of the symbiote. It was all too much for her to stand. Phil's hair began to rise up. Her eyes went from green to a light blue. Then, her hair turned blonde. Not even noticing the transformation, Phil pointed his finger at Ayeka.  
  
"I can't hurt the author, but you've gone too far. Now you die, bitch."  
  
Ayeka surrounded herself with a force field, and began backing away. She began to realize that she may have miscalculated.  
  
End Part 29  
  
If any of you did predict that ending, you must be a Jedi or something. How will this curse affect Phil's sanity? Since when is Phil a Saiyan? These and other mysteries will be addressed in Part 30. Or maybe not. It depends on whether or not I feel like it.  
  
* Aquatranssexual: The politically correct way of describing a man who fell into the Spring of the Drowned Girl, or vice versa. 


	30. Revelations Chapter 1

Part 30  
  
Revelations Chapter 1  
  
By Bobcat  
  
According to Sigmund Freud's theory of psychology, there are three parts of the human psyche: the ego, the superego and the id. The ego is our conscious mind. It thinks, makes decisions, and interacts with the outside world. The other parts are our subconscious. They operate behind the scenes, subtly guiding the ego. The superego is not present at birth; it is our internalized version of society's moral code. The id is the exact opposite; it is instinct and the source of our physical desires, be they a tuna sandwich with mayo, or to rip off the head of the clerk at the 7-11. The superego and id are constantly warring with each other, each attempting to suppress the other. Most people maintain a balance, restraining themselves for the most part, but indulging themselves in harmless ways.  
  
In most universes, be they class M, C, T or F, the ego and superego are barriers that hold back the true potential of warriors. As Obi-Wan Kenobi said, "Let go your conscious self." This is true; one cannot be fighting with somebody, see them about to strike, and then think, "OK, he's about to stab me. If I move my sword to a forty seven degree angle, I can block it! Or, maybe it's forty thr...*ack!*" Thus, one relies on instinct and the potential that higher brain functions holds at bay. This applies not only to the Force, but to various Chi and manna fields. In three of the known variations of the Tenchi timeline, Tenchi finds his true potential in the heat of battle, unleashing the Lighthawk Wings or tapping the power of Jurai, when the situation is most hopeless. In all DBZ universes, Super Saiyans transform as a result of incredible emotional stress, which puts them in either a state of rage or of extreme apathy. However, in both of these circumstances, the user can regain the ego and superego after the initial transformation, thus allowing them to think and strategize.  
  
Now, Phil was not the most emotionally stable person to begin with. He was, and still is, a man consumed by rage. This had begun when he had seen his father brutally murdered before his eyes. Recent events had made him even worse. The fact that he knew his future; to be GoChibi's nanny. His inability to beat Cell. Phil still couldn't believe it; with all of his power, Ralph had managed to beat Cell with just a bit of planning and a piece of standard issue equipment. Said battle had pushed him to the edge of collapse, and he felt as if his legs were made of lead. Fatigue tends to make people crabby. Then, to be hit by a water balloon full of cursed water, and he, or rather, she, was now cursed to become a curvaceous blue haired girl whenever he got wet. Factor in the influence of an alien symbiote that had a taste for spleens, egging her on in the back of her mind. And right before her was the perfect vent for her anger, and the one responsible for her curse; Ayeka, First Princess of Jurai.  
  
All of these stimuli came together to not only brush aside Phil's ego and underdeveloped superego, but to completely blast them out of the water. As the Super Saiyan transformation swept across her, rebuilding her emotionally and physically, she had only two things affecting her actions; the id, and the alien symbiote. And both wanted to eat Ayeka's spleen, and perhaps her still-beating heart as a second course.  
  
Ayeka backed away slowly, and concentrated. Her clothing shifted into her Juraian battle dress, and a swarm of wooden blocks filled the air. Each was about a foot long, and was a cylinder with a hexagonal face. She thought to herself, "There! Nothing can penetrate this shield!"  
  
Phil was operating fully on instinct. She was unable to use her advanced Chi technique, since that required calm focus. She walked into the first shield and was forced to halt. She placed her hands up against the invisible wall. Ayeka smirked. "Don't bother, you idiot! I'm invincible with this shield!" She was disturbed when Phil didn't respond. She had always been involved in a war of words as much as pranks; but now, Phil just continued on. She was like a silent, golden haired specter of death. That thought brought Ayeka to a very frightening conclusion. "She means to kill me! Osaka! Kamodake! Help!"  
  
Phil ignored the cylindrical guardians as they came into position on either side of her.  
  
"Halt!"  
  
"You shall not harm the princess!"  
  
Phil sent a massive wave of Chi through her hands. Even though the attack had been directed away from them, Osaka and Kamodake were blown away like leaves in a hurricane. Ralph motioned with his hands. "I call upon the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak!" The red force field surrounded Ralph and his companions, and Ayeka's bodyguards bounced off of it.  
  
Everybody else in the household had been asleep. Had been being the operative phrase, as a shockwave shook the house. Mr. Masaki, being unused to dealing with alien phenomenon, quickly ducked under a nearby desk, hoping that the earthquake would soon pass.  
  
Tenchi sprang from his bed. Grabbing Tenchi-Ken, he ran out of his room. "I sure hope that Ayeka and Ryoko didn't get drunk again." He bolted down the hallway and reached the top of the stairs to see something he hadn't expected. Instead of seeing the Space Pirate and the Princess brawling with each other, he saw Ayeka, dressed in full battle garb, falling back before the onslaught of... a Super Saiyan!? "I thought those were just in Anime!" He leapt down and activated Tenchi-Ken. The blue blade contrasted with Phil's yellow aura. "Stop right there!"  
  
The aforementioned Space Pirate phased partially through a nearby wall. She shook her fist and had an annoyed look on her face. "Would you mind keeping it down? I'm trying to get my beauty sleep!" Looking out at the scene before her, she did a double take. "What the hell is that?"  
  
Kione and Mihoshi, still in their pajamas, quickly exited their room, pistols drawn. "Mihoshi, we're under attack!"  
  
The ditz cried. "Waaaaaaah! And I was having such a nice dream to!"  
  
Ignoring her partner, Kione took stock of the situation. "The Princess is under attack! Lay down some suppressive fire!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Shoot that girl with the yellow hair!"  
  
"Oh. Why didn't you say so?"  
  
Kione took the time to sweatdrop before opening fire. Phil ignored the high velocity bullets.  
  
By this time, Phil had battered down all but one layer of Ayeka's defenses. The Princess was terrified. "Such power! He was only playing with me before! I've unleashed a sleeping giant!"  
  
Phil summoned a Chi bolt, then cocked back her right arm, ready to throw it. That was when Omi and GoChibi tackled her. The future girls had both powered up, GoChibi to Super Saiyan, Omi with the Mystical Powerup. Omi grabbed her by the legs, while GoChibi attempted to restrain her arm. "Dad, stop it! I don't care what she's done to you! You can't do this!"  
  
The symbiote whipped out, enveloping GoChibi's nose and mouth. The Saiyan attempted to extricate herself from it by slicing it off with her lightsaber. It separated the pseudopod from the main body, but the psychic connection was still intact. After a few moments, she blacked out. The pseudopod rejoined the symbiote a moment later.  
  
Phil kicked out, catapulting Omi into a nearby credenza. The wood splintered and flew in all directions. Having removed the obstacles, Phil's Chi bolt battered down her opponent's last line of defense.  
  
Tenchi leapt towards her. "Super Saiyan or not, I won't let you hurt her!" He slashed down, intending to remove her head. However, he found the blade was halted by an unseen energy. In fact, he found himself levitating several feet above the ground by the Force. "What?" Phil used the Force to fling him along the same route as Omi had taken. Omi had staggered to her feet, but was struck by Tenchi's flying form.  
  
Ayeka assumed a ready position. "How dare you hurt my Tenchi!?" She flew forward at high speed and punched Phil in the stomach. She seemed utterly unfazed by the attack.  
  
Ryoko, seeing her true love thrown aside, entered the fray. Yelling an inarticulate battle cry, she slashed down at Phil with her own energy sword. Phil faded away, then reappeared behind the Space Pirate. The double fisted blow that caught her in the back of the head a moment later sent her face first into the floor. Her entire body ached. Before unconsciousness claimed her, she said, "H-how? I didn't... even see... her move..."  
  
Ayeka launched another attack. With a speed that would have put several of the weaker Z fighters to shame, she lashed out with a complicated series of kicks and punches. Phil blocked each one with practiced ease. Ayeka floated back. She was absolutely terrified. The battle gear was designed to give her greater freedom of movement, and the insulated clothing improved the efficiency with which she could gather and use energy. In short, she was at her peak, but Phil seemed to ignore her best attacks.  
  
She lashed out with a blast of energy, but Phil deflected it with a casual backhand. The purple beam of energy flew through the wall and exploded in the center of the lake, sending a massive column of water into the air. Then, the female Super Saiyan disappeared, then re-emerged behind her. Phil grabbed her roughly by the shoulder, and then spun her about. Faster than the human eye could see, Phil's fist embedded itself in Ayeka's gut. A stream of saliva exited her mouth, then she folded over Phil's hand. The Super Saiyan let her fall, and she hit the floor with a loud thud.  
  
By this time, Omi had recovered. She attacked Phil head on, catching her father across the face with a nasty right hook. This attack sent Phil flying out the window and into the lake. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then, the water began to glow yellow, then flew out in all directions. Phil floated up, surrounded by an even more intense yellow aura. Omi was somewhat relieved to see that Phil's rage was the source of the new power, as opposed to going to Super Saiyan level two.  
  
Ayeka lay on the ground, completely stunned. Phil's blow hadn't rendered her unconscious, but had knocked the wind out of her. In fact, she couldn't move at all. Her limbs protested with white hot pain whenever she attempted to move. A single tear ran down her cheek. She thought, "What have I done? I've doomed us all!"  
  
By now, Phil and Omi were engaged in an aerial battle. To Omi's surprise, her father was matching her, even without his improved technique. "It must be her symbiote. It and her rage are giving her enough of a boost to do this!" Although she was reluctant to injure her father, she unleashed her full potential. A kick to the gut staggered Phil for a moment.  
  
Phil glared at her. Her mind was no longer capable of rational thought. She didn't even really think in words at this point. To translate her instinctual impulses, her thoughts ran along these lines: Girl hurt me. Girl try to stop me from killing Purple Hair. She enemy. Kill enemy. Eat enemy's spleen.  
  
With these "thoughts" echoing through her head, Phil struck Omi across the face with a left hook, the fired a powerful Chi bolt into the young girl. The yellow energy blast sent her flying. Instead of dissipating, the attack continued with her, up into the heavens. Omi kept taking more damage, and would manage to escape the blast before it left the atmosphere. But just barely.  
  
Tenchi shook his head, attempting to clear the cobwebs. He spat, and saw that his saliva had a red tinge. He shuddered. "Damn! Super Saiyans are just as strong as they're made out to be!" But he saw Ayeka lying there, utterly helpless. "But I can't abandon her!" Phil flew in through the gigantic hole in the wall, and floated above Ayeka. "Stop right there!" He ran towards Phil, readying Tenchi-ken to slice into her. Again, the Juraian Prince was knocked back. "Can't... give... up!" Getting back to his feet, he raced in.  
  
In the back of Phil's mind, some kind of warning alarm was going off. Some small section of his ego said that they needed to finish off the boy, because he was dangerous. Another part said that they couldn't kill Tenchi, but this rebellion of thought was quickly extinguished. Phil raised her hand so that her outstretched palm pointed at Tenchi. A yellow ball of energy was summoned.  
  
Ecks was looking at Phil through her Scouter, and was dismayed by what she saw. "She's way too strong for Tenchi! We have to stop her!"  
  
Ralph was incredibly frustrated. "With what? We can't just erase our commanding officer's memory. I've tried to attack Phil's mind with the Force, but she's in such a savage state that I can't get a fix on her. She's barely containing her power as it is; the Reality Checker wouldn't dissipate the Chi, it would simply make it so that she couldn't control the energy. Then we'd all die in the resulting explosion. She's too strong to attack directly, and both of our heavy hitters are out of it. Any direct attack we performed would just make her mad!" He began to focus his manna, ready to launch an attack when the moment was right.  
  
Phil's energy blast flew towards Tenchi. In a reaction similar to what had just happened to Phil, Tenchi's Ego and Superego took a vacation. There was a bright flash of light. When Ralph could stand to look again, he was quite surprised to see that Tenchi hadn't been vaporized. In fact, Ralph looked in awe and surprise. Three blades of energy, arrayed in a Y shape, floated before Tenchi. "The Lighthawk Wings!" Then Ralph looked up and saw Kione, still futilely firing her advanced pistol at Phil. "But wait just a second here... Kione and the Lighthawk Wings don't exist in the same realities! This isn't right!"  
  
Ecks had a flash of insight. "Who's to say that only one Tenchi universe went into the making of FC-1?"  
  
Ralph looked at her. "That's brilliant! How did you come up with it?"  
  
"The author told me."  
  
"Ah."  
  
Phil flew in and began battering energy blades with her fists. Unlike Ayeka's force field, the Lighthawk wings proved to be quite unyielding. After several moments, an idea penetrated her mental fog. She disappeared, then reappeared behind Tenchi and caught him in the back of the head with an uppercut. The young warrior fell to the ground unconscious.  
  
Ralph cursed. "Damn! You can't get through the Lighthawk Wings, but they can only cover one direction at a time!" Phil prepared to administer the coup de grace, in the form of a powerful Chi bolt. Ralph decided that there was only one thing left to do. "Fireball!" A ball of flame flew out and hit Phil's symbiote. Both human and alien cried out in pain. Then, they turned around.  
  
Phil glared at Ralph. Brownrobe attacked me. Stop me from killing. Brownrobe enemy. Kill enemy.  
  
Ralph threw a pair of Pokeballs. "Golbat, Charmelion, I choose you!" Ralph pointed at Phil. "Golbat, Supersonic!"  
  
The bat-like Pokemon screeched. Phil's symbiote began to lash out randomly, going into convulsions as the waves of high frequency sound battered it. "So far, so good. Charmelion, Fire Blast!" Ralph readied another spell. "Fireball!"  
  
"I can't win this way." He sighed, collecting more energy. "By the Hammer of Thor, And the Eye of Odin..."  
  
Golbat continued its sonic assault, and the pair of fire attacks struck Phil. Finally, the symbiote could take no more and simply fell unconscious. Only Phil's rage let him avoid the same fate.  
  
"Lend me the strength of the collectors of fallen warriors." Ralph was now surrounded by a yellow aura almost as vibrant as Phil's.  
  
Golbat's supersonic was now merely an annoying buzzing to Phil. She summoned a Dragon Blast that sent Golbat flying, then caught Charmelion with a punch.  
  
Ralph recalled both Pokemon. "Valkyrie Beam!" The yellow energy beam assumed the shape of a horse and rider and hit Phil head on.  
  
There is a simple fact of various energy fields; resistance to Chi attacks doesn't transfer over to Manna based assaults. So, Phil was knocked unconscious. Her hair went from yellow to blue, and she became much less muscular. Ralph quickly ran in and activated the Reality Checker in Phil's back pocket. "C'mon Ecks! Everybody's going to need medical attention!"  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
For a few moments, Phil only knew one thing and one thing only; pain. Her head hurt. Her arms hurt. Anything that actually had pain receptors hurt, and she thought that her hair felt a little sore. After the Super Saiyan transformation had worn off, the fatigue she had been feeling, compounded by the most recent battle, had come back with a vengeance. Then, Phil remembered. It was hazy, as it was only some vague recollections from her subconscious, which isn't known for keeping details with any precision. She remembered the power, the anger, and a few highlights from the battle. She was confused. "How could I do that? I hurt everybody I cared about, Omi, GoChibi; and almost Ralph! And I still didn't manage to kill Ayeka! Damn!"  
  
Phil jerked upright, realizing that she had been in a homicidal rage. "What? Where am I?"  
  
Washuu was standing over her. "Well, hello there sleeping beauty. Nice to see that you finally woke up. For your first question, you're incredibly lucky that you aren't being loaded onto a Juraian prison transport right about now. For your second, you just woke up after a session in one of my Cellular Regeneration Chambers. You took a little longer than the others."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I recorded the whole thing, and I'll be glad to play it back for you. But first, you owe some people an apology."  
  
Phil thought that something felt off. She had been into the lab on several occasions, but for some reason, everything seemed slightly taller. Then, she felt an odd wobbly sensation on her chest, and remembered what had happened. "Uh, Washuu, would you happen to have any hot water?"  
  
"No time for that." She grabbed her arm and dragged her up the stairs and into the family room. There, the various members of the Masaki household, plus SU5 and the girls from the future, were sitting around chatting. Then they saw Phil. All conversation ceased, and those involved in the altercation glared at Phil. Washuu grinned. "Hey look everyone, it's Phil!" She activated a tiny recording drone that was hidden in a photograph over the fireplace.  
  
She smirked. "This could be fun."  
  
Ayeka glared at Phil. "How dare you assault the Princess of Jurai?"  
  
Phil's stare returned the venom threefold. "How dare I? You gave me a bloody Jusenkyo curse!"  
  
Tenchi was confused. "Phil? But I thought that Phil was a guy!"  
  
Ralph fielded that question. "Not at the moment, thanks to Princess idiot over here."  
  
"You shall address me as your Royal Highness!"  
  
"Shut up, bitch." Phil's hair turned a bright yellow, and she activated her lightsaber. The energy blade was the same color as the aura. This time, however, her ego remained. And she realized what had happened. "What!? A Super Saiyan? How did I do that?"  
  
Ralph shrugged. "We were hoping that you could tell us. You never mentioned that you were a Saiyan."  
  
"I am not a Saiyan! I hate Saiyans! They're all alike; either completely oblivious, or battle hungry egomaniacs!"  
  
"Well, you fit the second category."  
  
Phil nodded. "I suppose you're right. However, there's one major difference between me and them."  
  
"And that would be?"  
  
"I make this look good."  
  
Mr. Masaki nodded. "I can't argue with that!" He eyed the neo-girl hungrily.  
  
"Back off or I will eat your still-beating heart."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
Washuu coughed. "Now, weren't you going to apologize?"  
  
"Why do you care?"  
  
"I like to make people do things that they'd rather not."  
  
"Like your insistence that Ryoko address you as Mom?"  
  
"Exactly. Now do it."  
  
Phil shrugged. "Actually, I do feel kind of bad about what I did back there. Ralph? I'm sorry I beat up your Pokemon. Omi, I'd like to apologize for blasting you into the stratosphere. GoChibi, I'm sorry that my symbiote tried to suffocate you. Tenchi, Ryoko, I'm sorry that I knocked you out. Kione, Mihoshi, I'm sorry that I made you waste all of those bullets." She considered for a moment. "Yeah, that should cover everyone."  
  
"Excuse me!"  
  
"Oops, forgot Ayeka. Princess, I'm sorry that I didn't manage to kill you."  
  
"What?"  
  
Phil smirked. "You're lucky. I usually don't leave things half done." Phil activated her wristwatch. "Jack, this is Phil. Transport for two, please."  
  
"Roger." A red and white wormhole opened up in the Masaki's living room.  
  
"C'mon Ralph. We have some research to do."  
  
* * *  
  
Phil, who had finally managed to get his hands on some hot water, was rooting around in his closet. Ralph was leafing through a journal. The Jedi looked at his companion. "So, Phil, what exactly are you looking for?"  
  
"My Dad's goodbye holographic message."  
  
"His what?"  
  
"You know. In every Sci-Fi universe, the main character's dad always records some kind of farewell message, for in the event that they die before they fell like telling the son themselves. Which, coincidently, they always do." He went back to his rummaging.  
  
"Ah." Ralph scanned the journal, but it didn't look like it would have anything of interest. No secret data, no keys, no passcodes to unlock any secret room. Nothing except a day by day account of his life. Ralph chuckled. "Well Phil, it looks like you had a bed wetting problem."  
  
Phil's aura flared. "What!?"  
  
Ralph began reading. "December 19: Well, Phil wet his bed again. I still say that by age 7, he should be beyond that kind of thing..."  
  
Phil snatched away the book. "How's about you look for the lost hologram, while I read the secret journal?"  
  
"Whatever you say." Ralph went in and hit his head on a hard object. "Ouch! Hey, what is this?" Phil had bypassed a small, round metallic device. "Heads up, Phil."  
  
Phil snorted. "It's just one of my old toys." He sighed. "I spent many a happy hour playing with my first hologram recorder..." Phil's brain put two and two together. After solving this simple matter, it realized that his father must have recorded his message upon that child's toy. He pressed the play button.  
  
As opposed to an image of his dead father, there was a woman who had cinnamon buns for hair. "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope."  
  
Phil snorted. "What a waste of time."  
  
The woman's image was erased. "Passcode accepted. Beginning Retinal Scan." A red light flashed out across Phil's eyes. "User identified: Phil. Access Granted."  
  
Another image appeared in the center of the hologram projector. This one was, in fact, a record of a man that bore a close resemblance to Phil. "Dad!"  
  
"Hello, Son. If you're seeing this, then you either got impatient while looking through your old things, or else I'm dead. Or, perhaps both. In the latter two cases, I want to apologize for never being able to tell you this while I was alive, due to several levels of classification."  
  
"You probably sought out this recording after transforming to the Super Saiyan level or setting foot on Jurai's surface. Either way, this message will forever shape the way that you think about yourself. Through your veins flows the blood of great warriors such as Beowulf, Arthur Pendragon, Sir Lancelot, Sir Robin of Loxley, AKA Robin Hood, and countless others."  
  
"Ages ago, the Physics Police left their home dimension, fleeing the invaders from beyond. Upon arriving here, their entire worldview changed. That had always known that there were alternate dimensions, but the alien technology they found drove home two important facts; the sheer size of the multiverse, and its vulnerability. For eons, Chaos had been gaining upon order, and reality would have collapsed in a few million years. Thus, they decided to crusade for others, not only to ensure what had happened to them would never be repeated, but to safeguard all of life as we know it."  
  
"The new technology they found gave our fledgling order a better chance of survival. However, they quickly discovered that there were beings out there that had greater physical strength than any normal human. They decided that, in order to preserve themselves, they would have to harness these abilities for themselves. Thus, they began recruiting amongst these powerful races. Those that weren't genetically compatible with humans became valued friends and allies. For those that were, their DNA found its way into our eugenics program, either through controlled breeding or birth in artificial wombs. This program had one goal, and one alone; to create the ultimate warrior."  
  
"Founded nearly three thousand years ago, our line is the only that has maintained its original size. This is due mainly to an infusion of Saiyan DNA that occurred nearly three hundred years ago, and a Juraian noble named Ayeka who joined our force before that. Before you overreact, she wasn't the same Ayeka as is found in those comics of yours. Simply her namesake."  
  
Phil breathed a sigh of relief. "That was a close one."  
  
"Now that you know the truth of your origins, I hope that you live in a matter that honors our noble ancestors."  
  
Ralph chortled. "Ha! He don't know you very well, do he?"  
  
"Goodbye, Son." The image faded away. Phil dropped the device.  
  
"I.. can't believe it. I'm a Saiyan... and a Juraian? I hate my life."  
  
Ralph nodded. "Cool, huh?"  
  
Phil's hair turned yellow as his anger found an outlet. "Cool? Cool? Do you know what this means? I'm related to Ayeka! I'm descended from muscle-bound idiots like Goku and Vegeta! What's cool about that?"  
  
Ralph was getting nervous. He thought, "I can't let him go postal like he did before." He said, "Look on the bright side. You're the ultimate warrior. Or, at least, as close as they've come."  
  
Phil's hair reverted to its normal brown. "You have a point there." Phil's watch beeped. "Cool! Lunchtime! Sasami's making Tempura!" He quickly bolted out the door.  
  
Ralph rolled his eyes. "Well, I definitely see the Saiyan heritage."  
  
* *  
  
Inbound for Pluto  
  
Time: Roughly fifteen years into the future.  
  
A fighter craft sailed through the empty void known as space. It closely resembled an X-Wing, except for a few minor differences. For one, instead of four moving wings, it had two fixed ones, with a distinct bend at the end of each. On the tip of each wing and over the cockpit rested a laser, while a proton torpedo launcher with a full magazine of sixteen rounds was mounted to the nose. The R7 droid that helped control the craft wasn't exposed, as in previous models; it was in a covered nook behind the cockpit. Although the craft boasted less firepower than the X-Wing that it was meant to replace, it possessed speed and maneuverability to match an Imperial TIE Interceptor, plus more shielding than any X-Wing.  
  
In the E-Wing's cockpit, a feminine voice cackled. "Ha ha! Once I get through the Time Gates, Phil and his entourage are going to get a very big surprise. I guarantee it."  
  
End Part 30  
  
Who is this mysterious figure? Find out in the next installment of the Ballad of the Physics Police! 


	31. The Ultron Cometh

Part 31  
  
The Ultron Cometh  
  
By Bobcat  
  
I would like to take this opportunity to thank my editor for all the hard work he put into this fic.  
  
Phil lay upon the Masaki's roof. He looked up into the clouds, seeing various shapes. "That one's an M1-A1 Tank firing its main gun... ooh, there's an A-Wing blasting apart a TIE Fighter! Now, that's Ayeka's decapitated corpse..." He obviously had a one-track mind.  
  
He sighed. All in all, life was... well, it wasn't good, but it was more tolerable than it had been. No ancient evils, no otherworldly demons, no Cell looming over the horizon, promising to vaporize the world. Heck, even Ayeka had been more pleasant. By pleasant, Phil meant absent. Having somebody attempt to kill you while exhibiting more power than everybody you've ever seen in your life combined tends to make you want to avoid that person.  
  
Phil smirked. "Let her think I can summon that kind of power at any moment. Paranoia is good for her." To be perfectly honest, Phil probably couldn't reach that potential again without reaching another level of Super Saiyan. For a bit there, he'd been like the Incredible Hulk; his hate had made him powerful, even without his advanced technique. However, it had also all but shut down his mind. Of course, he couldn't get into that kind of state at will, but again, let Ayeka think that he could.  
  
Of course, there had been a few major bummers. For one thing, he now found his body reshaped by contact with water. He had checked with Washuu about a possible cure, and she'd promised to look into it. He suspected that she had other projects that she had assigned higher priority, but he didn't mind. He had all the time in the world.  
  
Then, he had discovered a number of very distasteful things about his heritage. He shuddered. "How? How could I possibly be related to Ayeka? It just isn't fair!" Plus, the fact that he was a Saiyan, who he had always looked down upon because of their complete inability to use their brains for anything but fighting. "More important than the skill to use a sword is the knowledge of when to sheath it." Yeah, that sounded good. It wasn't a direct quote; more of a paraphrasing of something he had read in a Battletech novel once, but it still sounded wise and ancient, so he decided to keep it as is.  
  
Of course, his ancestry was all part of a program to create the ultimate warrior. This had made him feel good. In fact, it confirmed what he had always suspected; that he was the best at what he did. Even if what he did wasn't very nice, he enjoyed the power.  
  
He let loose the proverbial genie from its bottle. His short brown hair grew several inches and turned a bright yellow, and his green eyes turned a turquoise and lost their pupils. He sighed contentedly. If he didn't like the "Saiyan" part, he could definitely live with the "Super". Even if it was a waste of energy, the transformation just felt good. The Mystical Powerup gave him greater strength overall. However, it always made him feel pensive and angry. Or at least, more so than usual. The Super Saiyan state, on the other hand, made him feel invincible. He knew that that wasn't the case; he was as mortal as the next guy. He was simply very hard to hurt. He believed that the sensation was known as a "God complex," but he didn't particularly care; he thought that he could control it.  
  
He suddenly felt tired. The yellow aura around Phil collapsed, and his hair returned to normal. He frowned. "If I'm gonna use this state in battle, I have to learn to use it for longer." Ignoring his light fatigue, he transformed again. This time, he dropped the aura, but let his hair remain the same.  
  
He continued looking at the clouds. "Cool! A statue of Jebediah Springfield! Well, without the head at least. Wait a second... that gives me an idea... oh wait, Bart Simpson already did that."  
  
These quiet times alone with his thoughts were the moments that he treasured. He had sent Ralph and Ecks out to get the Dragon Balls so that they could wish back everyone and everything destroyed by Cell. Again, Ayeka was giving him a wide berth. Nothing bad or weird had happened in over twenty-four hours.  
  
For those of you who have any sense of pattern recognition, we all know that the next bit of weirdness will appear in...  
  
5!  
  
4!  
  
3!  
  
2!  
  
1!  
  
To say that Phil was surprised when a time hole opened in the air above him was an understatement. "Aw crap. Not another random hole in the space-time continuum! Those things are so hard to close!" When an E-Wing starfighter exited said wormhole, his surprise grew. When said E-Wing landed in front of the Masaki home, it grew more. And when the canopy opened to reveal a little girl with grayish blue hair, he went into full fledged bewilderment. He quickly leapt to his feet, while the yellow aura exploded into action again.  
  
He floated down to face this newcomer. "May I see your time hopper's license?"  
  
"Hi Phil." Phil's jaw dropped. She was, in every last detail, identical to Ryoko. The hair. The tail. Everything. Except for one minor detail: she was about 8 years old.  
  
Phil sighed and rubbed his temples. "Let me guess. You're Ryoko's daughter from the future."  
  
She blinked. "Uh, how did you know that?"  
  
"I've started to notice a pattern. Geez, does anybody have any MALE offspring?"  
  
"Yup. You have two sons, and Gohan has a boy."  
  
"Are... they coming back too?"  
  
She grinned. For some reason, Phil felt like running for his life. "Actually, nobody knows that I'm here. Yet."  
  
"Whatever. I'll introduce you to the crew. Say, who's your dad?"  
  
She smirked again. "Who else?" She phased through the nearby wall.  
  
Phil could sense Tenchi's Chi in the distance. "May God have mercy on his soul." The boy felt his ears burning, but ignored it.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Ayeka was enjoying something that she hadn't been able to for weeks; the sensation of cool, clean water on her lips. She sighed contentedly. Ralph had finally found the spell to undo Phil's curse. "And I'll never touch anything even close to raspberries so long as I live." She took another sip.  
  
That was when a little girl identical to Ryoko materialized directly behind her. "Hiya, target!"  
  
"What!?"  
  
"Oops, how rude of me. My name's Ryoko the Second, but everybody calls me Chibi Ryoko."  
  
Ayeka instinctively surrounded herself with a force field. "Are you another of Washuu's creations?"  
  
She grinned. Ayeka had much the same impulse that Phil had felt. "Naw, don't be silly. I'm Ryoko's daughter from the future!"  
  
"Another one?"  
  
"Yup! Oh, and guess who my father is."  
  
She almost didn't. "Is it that awful Phil fellow?" For some reason, she detected the same air of not-quite evil surrounding her as she felt from him. Also, he and Ryoko seemed to get along pretty well.  
  
"Wrong! My Daddy's name is Tenchi!"  
  
"What!?" Ayeka was now furious. "You must be some kind of bastard offspring, from an incident in which Ryoko finally managed to force herself upon poor Tenchi! It's the only way! Oh, my poor, innocent Tenchi."  
  
Ryoko snorted. "Such language. Especially in front of a sweet little girl like myself. Your imagination is getting the better of you, Auntie. Occum's Razor: the simplest solution is always true. They're married."  
  
"No! It can't be true!"  
  
She smirked. She thought, "And now to twist the knife." She hated to do it. Almost. "Oh it is. Very true. And guess what? You never do get together with your "true love," despite the fact that the Juraian legal code doesn't demand monogamy. Daddy apparently never got over the fact that you're his great aunt. You live alone, the Baroness of a minor planet, in a minor sector of the Juraian Empire. Enjoy this while you can." She swiftly teleported away. Chibi Ryoko loved that kind of unverifiable lie; Ayeka did have some influence, and still lived on Jurai. But she had no way of knowing that. "Now to find my friends!"  
  
  
  
Ayeka did the only thing that she could do; she fainted.  
  
Meanwhile, in Tokyo:  
  
A wormhole opened directly above an ice cream parlor on thirteenth street. A gleaming humanoid form left the portal, which closed soon afterwards. Not bothering to activate his rockets, the metal being crashed through the roof of the parlor. It took no damage, as it's entire exoskeleton was composed of adamantium.  
  
It looked human. Up to a point. The head was completely inhuman; it's long jaws ended with vaguely tooth-like shapes cut into them. However, each part of the jaw was only divided once, so they resembled buck teeth. On each side of his head was a short antennae. His gleaming metal skin made him look like the avatar of some ancient god of war... or improper dental care.  
  
Ultron didn't remember why he was here. The last he had remembered, he had managed to escape a battle with the Avengers, then had fallen into a wormhole. The Master, whom he had never seen, had rebuilt him, making him faster, stronger, better. And he had sent him with only one order: destroy. Which he would have done on his own anyways.  
  
"Unit Ultron rebooting. Location: unknown. Scanning for organisms." He turned his head about. And the soulless slits that served as his eyes rested upon the shopkeeper. "Organism found. Threat potential being analyzed... analysis complete. No advanced abilities detected. No weaponry. Threat potential: zero. Scanning orders: destroy. Order not in conflict with prime directive, the eradication of all life. Beginning termination sequence."  
  
Although the aging man didn't speak English, he'd seen enough movies to know what was going to happen next. And he knew that he couldn't escape, so he decided not to dishonor his ancestors by trying. He closed his eyes, waiting for the end to come. Ultron's disruptor beam was more than willing to comply. The man shrieked for a moment as his body was converted into its component atoms. Ultron turned his head. "Target eliminated. Scanning for new target."  
  
The other inhabitants of the store had already beat a hasty retreat. "Targets fleeing. The hunt is on." Activating his jets, Ultron flew through the air, and began to vaporize anything that moved. And quite a few things that didn't.  
  
* * *  
  
A few minutes later...  
  
Ryoko shuddered. It was rather unnerving to have a little copy of yourself running around. Particularly one that displayed her mother's genius. Right now, Chibi Ryoko and Washuu were debating the relative effectiveness of something called a warp drive that ran on antimatter against the merits of something called a "hyperdrive." Ryoko got lost very quickly and sighed. "I guess genius is one of those things that skips generations."  
  
Phil was sitting back, absorbing the news. The little girl from the future had just revealed a lot of information, and not all of it was to his liking. For one thing, he had been rather surprised when Chibi Ryoko had indicated her reason for coming to the past; she had missed her friends. Apparently, the three were the best of friends in the future. He still had a hard time believing that that was the only reason, but decided not to press the issue. Phil sighed. In a way, he envied them; with a childhood filled with training and constant dimension hopping, he hadn't had much time to get close to anybody besides his father who, bless his soul, was long dead. However, he was quick to notice that each child carried themselves with the confidence of a warrior, and their stance was very similar to his. "Perhaps I'll find a happy medium? Training groups of children together? Yeah, that could work."  
  
Another thing that he had discovered was that, in addition to caring for GoChibi in the future, Chibi Ryoko spent much of her time in his care as well. When he had sarcastically remarked, "What am I, an intergalactic babysitter," she had simply responded yes. Phil had been distraught at first, but that had faded somewhat. In fact, Ralph had been quick to point out that there was a major advantage to being in charge of the education of future princesses; when they took the throne, who would they look to for advice? Why, good old Uncle Phil of course! He practically drooled, thinking about all of the political power that he would one day wield.  
  
Of course, he had immediately ordered that nobody breath a word of future events to Tenchi. The boy might be driven to take his own life, or at least become a monk. All had agreed, which relieved Phil. "I've done enough damage to the timeline without her getting into the act." All the young Juraian Prince was permitted to know was that Chibi Ryoko was Ryoko's daughter from the future, and that he went on to be the Emperor of Jurai.  
  
Phil's watch beeped. He pressed a button. "This is Phil. Talk to me."  
  
Chief O'Connor's tiny voice emanated from the wristwatch. "Phil, we have reports of an unregistered wormhole opening in your area."  
  
The Policeman looked at the younger version of the Space Pirate. She was still arguing with her grandmother, and seemed to be winning. "Affirmative. It's already under control."  
  
"Not her! There's some kind of disturbance in Tokyo. Go investigate."  
  
"Roger Chief. Over and out." Phil disconnecting the communicator, he flew over to Tokyo.  
  
* * *  
  
A few moments later:  
  
Taking out his villain-dex, Phil aimed it at the flying robot.  
  
A tiny robotic voice said, "Ultron. Originally created by Hank Pym, AKA Ant Man, he judged his creation to be a failure and junked it. It is unknown if it revived itself or some third party rebuilt it. It returned a few years later to fight the Avengers. Abilities: somehow, it returned with a wide variety of weapons that Hank Pym had not intended for his creation. Chief among its powers is its skin, which is composed of the alloy known as adamantium. This substance is virtually unbreakable. It is capable of flight, and has disintegrator rays built into its arms. Physical strength is far above human norm. However, its limit has never been fully tested, so his full power is unknown. It is capable of holding its own in battle with beings such as Iron Man and Thor. No further data." Phil flipped the device shut.  
  
Phil focused his Chi, and his hair turned a bright yellow. The Super Saiyan smirked. "His power's never been fully tested, eh? Time to fix that."  
  
Ultron fired a blast from his disruptor, vaporizing a Honda and its passengers. A Chi bolt slammed into the robot. "Who dares?"  
  
Phil shook his head. "Tisk tisk. That wasn't very sporting, now was it?"  
  
Ultron ignored the banter. "Analyzing... analysis complete. Warning: power readings indicate a level 10 threat. Analyzing energy utilized in attack... energy field known as Chi. Activating Chi Dampers."  
  
Phil cursed his luck. "Can't let him get too close. I'll have to keep him at arm's length and use my other equipment."  
  
While Phil was considering his situation, Ultron took the initiative. Zipping in at high speeds, Phil was barely able to dodge the assault in time. As he passed through the edge of the damper's effects, he felt his Chi level drop significantly. "OK, since when is he that fast?" He readied another attack. "Ka... me... ha... me... ha!" The blue blast of energy flew out, engulfing Ultron. When he became visible again, the robot appeared no worse for wear. Phil couldn't determine whether it was because of the dampers or because of his adamantium hide.  
  
Ultron fired the Disruptors in his arms, which Phil hardly managed to avoid. A Toyota and a comic book shop were both disintegrated. Phil had to move quickly to avoid the shrapnel.  
  
Ultron zipped in, catching Phil across the face with a right hook. The robot's strength, while nowhere near Phil's level, was enough to send him flying. Also, Phil's hair reverted to its normal brown. "Shit!" Phil activated his lightsaber. "Time to see if that adamantium stuff is as indestructible as they say."  
  
Phil faded away, then appeared next to Ultron. The lightsaber's yellow blade impacted the side of Ultron's head. And it had no visible effect. "Foolish organism! None may hurt Ultron! My adamantium hide is impenetrable!"  
  
"Sez you." Phil faded away. Again, his hair shifted to yellow. "Got to keep my distance. Improved Kamehameha!"  
  
Phil's attack is very interesting. It takes all of the energy of the Kamehameha, and converts it into an invisible laser bolt with roughly the diameter of a quarter. So, what begins as a Chi attack ends up as a laser. He can't power it up within the radius of a Reality Checker or a Chi Damper, but it maintains its integrity upon entering said interference. Phil had designed the attack with this very reason in mind.  
  
So, Ultron was as surprised as his limited emotion chip would allow when said attack struck him in the chest. He went flying through a billboard. He struck the concrete and skipped across it several times, eventually ramming into a fuel truck. A roiling fireball became visible from a good distance away.  
  
Phil didn't lower his guard. He had seen Ultron for a few moments before he flew out of sight. And saw that Ultron had retained his structural integrity upon being struck by the laser, so Phil doubted that the explosion had harmed him in the slightest. "Damn! This is as bad as fighting Cell!"  
  
Ultron found himself in the sewers. The blast had sent him through the ground. Activating his rockets, Ultron put his computer brain to work.  
  
Phil's Force-based danger sense, for lack of a better word, tingled. Although Ultron was not an active part of the Force, Phil could sense how he interacted with the part of the universe that was. However, it was too late, as Ultron smashed up through the ground and grabbed Phil's foot.  
  
As the viselike grip held Phil in place, Phil cursed. "OK, he's obviously been upgraded. Or else, the Avengers would all be dead by now." His power seeped away, and he grew weaker by the second. After a few moments, Phil's hair once again reverted to its normal brown color. Ultron tossed him aside.  
  
Phil was unable to transform, or even to power up, immediately following his time in the Chi damper's radius. He flew straight through one brick wall, then another, and another. At some point he must of his a water pipe, seeing as how he was in his cursed form. She lay there, taking stock of her situation.  
  
"OK, I'm virtually helpless. None of my weapons have any chance against that adamantium hide of his. I'm cut and bruised all over. I don't have enough energy left to transform, much less get away. I'm going to die."  
  
Since she was in Japan, she decided to compose a death haiku:  
  
"Here I lie in the  
  
Rubble, waiting for the end.  
  
God I hate Mondays."  
  
Ultron's inhuman face looked down upon the helpless Phil, and she braced herself for the brief pain, followed by oblivion.  
  
End Part 31 


	32. Why Phil's Life Sucks: Chapter 1

Part 32  
  
Why Phil's Life Sucks  
  
Chapter 1  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: Several Copyright Lawyers (read between the lines: hired goons) from Funimation and Pioneer LDCA, the respective owners of Dragon Ball Z and Tenchi Muyo, have brought to my attention (read: they beat me up repeatedly) that they didn't appreciate my lackadaisical attitude about copyright laws. From now on, all fics will have the appropriate disclaimers. This isn't mine. There, I said it... put down the gun, Luigi.  
  
  
  
Phil waited for death. Ultron, the robot that stood above her, had inflicted it upon many. In her injured state, Phil had little doubt she was about to become another victim. She waited. And waited. She thought, "What the heck is going on here?"  
  
Ultron beeped. "Analysis complete. Strength registers as above human. Subject injured. Threat level: one. Preparing to exterminate." He raised his metal hand and leveled it at Phil. Then it stopped. "Level ten threat not found. Fact: energy wasted to eliminate subject may be vital in bring down level ten threat. Fact: subject is injured, and looks to be incapable of movement. Conclusion: Ultron will hunt down and slay level ten threat, then deal with subject later." Activating his rockets, Ultron flew away.  
  
Phil coughed weakly. "Well, this form does seem to have its advantages. Excellent camouflage." She attempted to move her right arm to grab a senzu bean from her back pocket. The pain that she had been feeling somehow managed to intensify. She moaned. She manipulated her symbiote, ordering it to put a pseudopod into her back pocket, and move one of the beans to her mouth.  
  
Having consumed to magical fruit, Phil felt much better. She managed to stagger to her feet. She heard shrieks of terror as Ultron began to search for his quarry. "No time to look for hot water. Can't be helped, I guess." She used the Mystical Powerup. "Time for round two, metalhead."  
  
Ultron was halted from his search as Phil powered up. He saw Phil fly out of the rubble of the building. "New energy detected. Analyzing threat level... threat level eleven!"  
  
"Improved Kamehameha Rapid-Fire Mode!" A barrage of laser bolts flew out, catching the adamantium robot repeatedly. Phil was shocked when she realized that Ultron seemed to ignore the barrage. "Shit."  
  
"Well, Organism, you succeeded in fooling me. I shall not make the same mistake twice." With that, Ultron fired his disruptors.  
  
Phil barely managed to avoid the strike. In fact, she avoided it almost casually. "Well well well. It looks like I'm faster in this form. Good. I'll need the speed." She began to fade in and out of sight disappearing and reappearing at random points around Ultron.  
  
Phil suddenly stopped. She had an idea. Not an awful idea, but it was pretty clever nonetheless. Phil remembered how the Avengers had beaten Ultron the first time. His objective was to destroy all life. What did they do? Tricked him into downloading an order into his brain: Thou Shalt Not Kill. Ultron self destructed. For some reason, robots always self destruct when confronted with a paradox. She grinned. "I know how to beat you. Hey Ultron, are you dead?"  
  
Ultron halted his assault. "Excuse me?"  
  
"I'll say it again. Are. You. Dead?"  
  
"Of course not!"  
  
"Then that would make you alive. And since your prime directive is the annihilation of all life, and you are alive, I say that you must destroy yourself in order to complete your mission!"  
  
"Nice try! My self preservation programs override the need to destroy myself. And, if I destroyed myself, I would fail the mission." He patted his chest. "That Paradox Shield that the Master installed is already paying for itself!"  
  
"And who would this "Master" be?"  
  
"None of your concern, organism. You shall soon be too busy dieing to care anyways." Ultron didn't want to admit that he truly didn't know either. The disruptors fired again, with Phil narrowly evading the strike.  
  
Phil cursed. "I can't win. That thing has enough power to hold out forever, and it's invincible. Neither applies to me. Damn." She dodged another strike. Suddenly, Ultron was struck by a blast of energy. "Who?"  
  
There was Chibi Ryoko. Plastered on her face was a smirk that made Phil want to flee in terror. Again. "Phil, why ever did you leave me behind if you were going out to have fun? Don't worry; I'll take it from here." What surprised Phil, however, was the fact that her hair was yellow. And she was surrounded by an aura of the same color.  
  
"ANOTHER SUPER SAIYAN?"  
  
Chibi Ryoko concentrated for a moment, then, to Phil's shock, three blades of energy formed a Y shape before her. "THE LIGHT HAWK WINGS?!"  
  
She shook her head. "Phil, you of all people should know this stuff is all hereditary." Two of the blades passed over her, clothing her in a black jumpsuit with red sleeves. The third blade became a sword, which she grabbed. "Now for the intriguing clash of power. Will the Lightning Eagle Sword, which can supposedly cut through anything, penetrate the metal that nothing can break? I'm very curious."  
  
Ultron was scanning the newcomer. "Analysis complete. Level eleven threat. Decision: destroy them both!" Ultron fired his disruptors at Chibi Ryoko, who teleported away from the strike.  
  
Chibi Ryoko disappeared for a moment. Even with Phil's advanced reflexes, she could hardly track the future girl as she flew in and slashed Ultron. When the skirmish ended, Ultron's torso armor had a diagonal cut about an inch deep. Ultron's Chi Dampers had forced Chibi Ryoko to shift back to her normal state. The sword disappeared, and her clothes shifted back to Ryoko's green dress. She considered the situation, and then addressed Phil. "Intriguing. I believe, that with my strength and the power of the sword, I would have been able to slice him in half, had he not been using the Chi Dampers. I lack the energy to use either the Light Hawk Wings or my Super Saiyan state. And besides, I have no idea how thick that armor is; I'd have to hit the exact same spot again in order to have a chance at finishing him off. Alternate methods required."  
  
Ultron was also contemplating recent events. "Impossible! Diagnostic Sensors indicate a near breach in my indestructible hide! Elevating newcomer to threat level fifteen!"  
  
Phil, on the other hand, was still pondering what she had said. "It's all hereditary... that would mean that... Ryoko's a Saiyan?"  
  
Chibi Ryoko flew in at Ultron. Ultron, who had expected her to power up first, missed with his disruptor bolts. Becoming intangible, the prodigy phased into Ultron's chest. Sparks flying from his mouth, Ultron collapsed in a heap.  
  
Phil blinked. "What the hell just happened?"  
  
Chibi Ryoko held up what looked to be some computer hardware. "Even an indestructible robot like Ultron needs his central processor."  
  
Phil's eyebrow rose. "You knew which one it was?"  
  
She chuckled. "What, you think that's complex? I'm not as good as Grandmother, but robotics is my specialty!" She summoned an energy laptop much like Washuu's. "Hmmm. Let's see here... unit designated Ultron. Prime directive: the destruction of all life. We can't have that, now can we?" She pressed a button, deleting all of Ultron's memory. The screen flashed. "New prime directive required, eh?" She considered it. "What sounds good?" Then she grinned again. She typed for a few moments, then looked at her handiwork. The screen read, "Serve Chibi Ryoko." Said future girl nodded. "There, that should do it." She ordered the computer to perform a diagnostic scan. As it came up, she shook her head. "Tisk Tisk. Whoever built this thing didn't know what he was doing. He's been upgraded, but not nearly enough. I'll have to work on that."  
  
Phil powered down. "What did you do?"  
  
"Oh, he's just my servant until the end of time. Or at least until I get bored."  
  
"How?"  
  
She grinned again. Phil shuddered. "It was simplicity to reprogram him. I mean, do you call five different passwords, of increasing length, with the possibility of a nuclear meltdown in the event of an incorrect letter security?"  
  
"Uh, yes." Phil noted that this was exactly why the Physics Police generally left Washuu alone. Phil heard Police sirens in the distance. "So, um... we should we be going now."  
  
"OK." Summoning the laptop again, Phil found herself teleported into a pocket dimension, then into the Masaki's living room. She landed on her rear. "Ouch."  
  
Kione, who had just collapsed on the couch after a long patrol (everything seems to last longer when Mihoshi was around, which it did. Neither of them knew it, but Mihoshi possessed a reality bending stupidity field. Since the ditz liked nothing better than going out on patrol with her partner, she subconsciously slowed down time. But, nobody knew that.), was quite surprised to see a miniature version of Ryoko exit a square portal, along with a buxom blue haired girl. She got over it fast; not surprising, considering what she'd been through at the Masaki residence alone. "Oh, hi Phil."  
  
Phil got up, dusting herself off. "Hey, Kione. How goes it?"  
  
She groaned. "I just got back from a patrol with the ditz-master that I swear lasted five hours longer than it should have. I'm tired. I'm hungry. How do you think it goes?"  
  
Phil winced. Then, realized that he could take advantage of her confused state. "Well, I hope you'll feel better for our date tonight."  
  
Her eyes widened. "Was that tonight? I have to go get ready!" She quickly dashed upstairs.  
  
Chibi Ryoko looked at her mentor. "Phil, why do I get the feeling that you didn't really have date with her for tonight?"  
  
"Because you evidently inherited all of Washuu's powers of deduction. Besides, it's not like this little deception is going to hurt her or anything. She could use a night without Mihoshi. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go return to my proper gender." Phil floated upstairs.  
  
* * *  
  
There is an unwritten law of physics that governs the love life of a superhero: the villains always messes it up. Occasionally, fear or dislike of the main character's alter ego, especially in the case of masked vigilantes such as Spiderman, will force them apart. More often, this rule of thumb simply disrupts any dates that they have planned. Odds are roughly 1:1 that a superhero's date will be mucked up by a villain attacking wherever they happen to be having their date. This also applies to anything that the hero would enjoy, i.e. a rock concert. However, it rarely applies to anything that they would rather not do. This law is a corollary of Murphy's Law.  
  
Now, Phil's recent actions have placed him under the category of superhero, so this law applies to him. Also factor in that the same corollary has a lesser effect on police officers. Phil and Kione are both police officers, so only the most desperate gambler would bet that nothing would disrupt the date.  
  
So, of course, just as Phil reached the top of the stairs, a hole in the space-time continuum opened right in front of her. "Crap. Not again!" She quickly noted that it was not the kind of portal utilized by the Physics Police and instinctively powered up. From said portal entered the last person that Phil had expected to see: Sailor Pluto.  
  
Phil raised an eyebrow. "Puu-chan? What are you doing here?"  
  
She glowered. "Phil, I told you not to call me that. The name is Sailor Pluto."  
  
Phil adopted a false hurt look. "What, so formal, Puu-chan? I thought we were friends."  
  
She sighed. "I admit that you did save me from that "Braniac" weirdo a few years back, and it's not that I'm not grateful, but still. I'm here on business. Where is Chibi Ryoko?"  
  
"Over there." The little girl was already typing furiously, reprogramming Ultron. "May I ask why?"  
  
"She's an element of chaos that must be returned to the proper time!"  
  
"You mean, she wasn't sent back on some kind of secret mission to stabilize the timeline?" The Senshi of Time shook her head. Phil rubbed her temples, feeling another headache coming on. "Ryoko, might I enquire exactly how you came to the past?"  
  
The little girl scratched the back of her head and avoided Phil's gaze. "Well..."  
  
Flashback (or Flash Forward, depending upon your point of view.)  
  
The E-wing flew in, landing upon Pluto's icy surface. Chibi Ryoko teleported into the large structure that housed the Time Gate.  
  
Sailor Pluto did a double take as the little girl teleported in. "What? What are you doing here?"  
  
She grinned. Like everybody else, Pluto felt like running away. "You should know; you do have the Time Gate."  
  
Pluto was rather concerned that she hadn't seen the little girl coming. "So? What do you want?"  
  
"Well, I miss my friends, so I'm going back in time to be with them."  
  
"What? You can't do that! You aren't supposed to do that! You'll mess up the timeline!"  
  
"Well, if you aren't going to be reasonable about this..." Chibi Ryoko teleported behind the Senshi of Time and knocked her out with a well placed punch. Picking up Pluto's staff, Chibi Ryoko teleported back to her ship. As the fighter left orbit, a time hole opened before it, and the E- wing flew into the past.  
  
* * *  
  
"And that's the whole story."  
  
Pluto seemed to accept Chibi Ryoko's version of things. Phil raised her eyebrow. "If she has your Time Staff, how did you get here?"  
  
"My future self contacted me. But that isn't important. She needs to be returned to the future! She is doing incalculable damage."  
  
Phil shook her head. "If it hadn't been for her, I'd be dead right now. Ultron is one tough customer."  
  
"You should be dead."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"You were supposed to die fighting Ultron! Eventually, GoChibi would manage to beat him by using the Silver Imperium Crystal to convert him into flowers. Chibi Ryoko really screwed that up."  
  
Phil's eyes bugged out of her head. "What!? But, everybody from the future said that I had a hand in raising them. How could I be dead? Explain that!"  
  
Pluto said, "Either the Dragon Balls or the Imperium Crystal could have brought you back. But, again, she's already disrupting the future beyond my ability to predict."  
  
Phil shrugged. "I don't care one way or the other what happens. I'm grateful to her for saving me, but this isn't my problem."  
  
It was about then that Omi and GoChibi entered the Masaki residence. They had taken a hike, and had been gone most of the day. GoChibi's eyes lit up when she saw the Senshi of Time. "Puu-chan!" She was about to give her friend a big hug when she saw something else. "Chibi Ryoko? What are you doing here? I've missed you!"  
  
The two girls began to converse quickly, using a combination of Force images, spoken word and hand gestures to catch up. Omi joined in quickly. Phil scratched her head. "Have you seen this before?"  
  
Pluto nodded. "Yup. It is like a special code that only they speak. It's a result of years spent together and whatever training you will give them. You eventually get a handle on this little dialect, but you aren't as fluent as they are." Pluto coughed. "Now, I hate to break up this happy little reunion, but Chibi Ryoko really needs to go home."  
  
All three immediately responded, "No!"  
  
Sailor Pluto looked at Phil with a pleading look in her eyes. "Phil, you have to help me!"  
  
The blue haired aquatranssexual quickly shook her head. "Uh uh. You ain't gettin' me involved! Any one of them could match me in strength. All together, I'd get my butt kicked. Besides, like I said, I don't care either way."  
  
The Senshi of Time assumed a combat stance. "Do not force me to use violent means!" All three looked at each other in confusion. Pluto thought that she was getting through. Then, all three future girls burst into laughter. Omi was rolling on the ground, attempting to keep her sides from splitting.  
  
Phil's daughter looked up Sailor Pluto. "You? Threatening us? That's a laugh! You couldn't hurt us in our sleep!"  
  
Pluto's patience was wearing thin. "Dead Scream!" The wave of energy caught a surprised Omi and sent her through the wall.  
  
Phil glared, her hair shifting to its yellow color. "You hurt my daughter. Now you suffer."  
  
Pluto returned the glare. "Don't push me. I have a mission to perform, and I have ways of torturing you that you could not imagine."  
  
Phil began to disappear and reappear at random points around Pluto. After several seconds of dodging various feigns launched by the Super Saiyan, a punch sent the Senshi of Time flying. She went through a hole in the wall still present from a previous fight and hit the ground. As she shook her head, attempting to clear the cobwebs, Pluto decided to call her bluff. She waved the staff, and Phil glowed a bright red. No other color showed through the red glare. Looking down at her hands in horror, Phil said, "What have you done?"  
  
"Enjoy your trip."  
  
Then, for Phil, all the world disappeared in a flash of red and pain.  
  
* * *  
  
Phil awoke. She couldn't judge how much time had passed, but sensed that something was off. She reached out with the Force, but found her connection oddly severed. "Is that what Pluto did? Cut me off from the Force?" She began to unconsciously wrap her curly locks around her index finger. And then halted. "Since when do I have that bad habit?" She hadn't thought about it; some part of her mind had begun fidgeting.  
  
She then realized that she wasn't in the Masaki household anymore. She was in what appeared to be a bedroom. However, it was a bedroom suited for royalty; there were pink satin pillows, pink silk sheets, a bed with pink gossamer curtains and a majestic view of a nearby mountain through a window nearly twenty feet tall. Said window was tinted pink, leading Phil to speculate that the items in the room were merely white, and the light was affecting their color. The window, upon closer inspection, looked to be a sliding glass door, which emptied out onto a large balcony. There was a pile of stuffed animals, in shapes both from Earth and alien beasts that Phil had never imagined. She picked up one of them, an odd horse-like creature that had eight legs and horns. "Mr. Cuddles?" The name escaped Phil's lips, but she hadn't summoned them. But she ignored this.  
  
In an odd way, the room seemed familiar. In fact, she almost felt as if it was hers. But, she had never been there before. "What did Pluto do to me? Where am I?" She paced back and forth, considering her situation. She passed a mirror, looked at the image it reflected, then continued pacing. Then, she did a double take and went back and took a closer look. Her hair was much curlier than it had been before, and just looked nice. In fact, it looked as if a beautician had labored for hours to get it into that state. What Phil then noticed was that she was dressed in a in a Orange-Red Sailor Fuku.  
  
She shuddered. "What sick part of my subconscious summoned that?" She mentally ordered the symbiote to reshape itself. And was surprised to find that she was no longer connected with said symbiote. She grabbed one of the sleeves and ripped a shred of it off. And felt nothing. No sympathetic pain. No reprisal from an angry alien symbiote. Nothing.  
  
Again, words escaped her lips that weren't her own. "What's going on? What's controlling my body?"  
  
Phil's eyes bulged from their sockets. "Who said that?"  
  
For the third time, Phil's lips moved without her permission. "Oh my God! I've been possessed by the Dark Kingdom!"  
  
"What? Who are you?"  
  
"You should know who I am, foul demon! I am Sailor Io, guardian of peace and love! Get out of my head!" Sailor Io grabbed the sides of her head and began to use the simple anti-possession techniques she had learned in training. Phil did much the same thing, attempting to force this very confused demon out of her mind.  
  
The phrase "Sailor Io" triggered something in the recesses of Phil's mind. For a few moments, it was just a trickle. She remembered a ball and dancing with some minor noble from Earth. She remembered her training, with her mother teaching her how to manipulate the energy around her. What scared Phil was that her mother had never shown any potential for any energy fields, nor had Phil ever danced with a man at any ball.  
  
Then, the memories simply flooded in. Battles she had never fought, on worlds that she had never seen, with allies she had never met. The thoughts seemed both familiar and alien at the same time. "What's happening?" In an entire lifetime's worth of memories, she always thought of herself as Io. "But that's what that crazy demon chick called herself!"  
  
Then, everything clicked. She'd had some dreams about something called the "Silver Millennium" once or twice, but had never really taken them seriously. She shook like a leaf. "These memories are mine! I was... is... am... Sailor Io!"  
  
Several of the servants heard a distraught "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!" exit their Mistress' room. One man, named George, looked at his companion. "I guess Mistress Io broke another nail."  
  
The other man nodded. "I wish she'd learn not to react so strongly to every little thing!"  
  
End Part 32 


	33. Why Phil's Life Sucks: Chapter 2

Part 33  
  
Why Phil's Life Sucks  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: If you think that all of the writers of these various TV shows and movies got together for the express purpose of writing this fic in a nonprofit format... you just might be a redneck.  
  
Now entering first person narrative. The author has activated the seat belt signs. Also, be on the watch for turbulence and soul searching on the part of the main character.  
  
Hello. My name is Phil. I am an officer of the Physics Police, and part-time superhero. In case you haven't guessed, my life has recently taken a major downturn. For those of you who may be wondering why, you obviously skipped chapters 1-32.  
  
Now, thanks to Sailor Pluto, the Senshi of Time, I find myself stranded at least 10,000 years in the past, during the Silver Millennium. That's right; the time in which the last ice age covered much of Earth's surface in thick glaciers, and wooly mammoths and saber toothed cats roam the earth. (Author's note: Thinking about this made me wonder why, in all of the fanfics that have been written involving Sailor Moon that took place during this period, nobody ever thought of that.) However, since I am currently on Io, one of the moons of Jupiter, I don't have to worry about that particular bit of paleontology. I have bigger fish to fry.  
  
In an odd twist on the Quantum Leap TV series, I am now in the past, in the body of another. Unlike that famous show, however, the mind of the other person didn't take a vacation from reality until I left. She is still in there, protesting the fact that I have unwillingly set up camp in her brain. She identifies herself as Sailor Io, the Senshi of... well, the Senshi of minor moons like Io don't have specific titles like the "Senshi of Love" or the "Senshi of Retribution," or anything like that.  
  
Also unlike Quantum Leap, I have had full access to the memories of Io. Some of my own memories, of dreams of the Silver Millennium, also came back. Plus, there is the fact that she is identical to my cursed form in almost every way. The "almost" is that I've never claimed to really understand makeup, and, being a guy by birth, I haven't even considered dabbling in it. She, on the other hand, is so heavily made up that I could probably stick a pin into her face and never feel a thing. Also, her hair is just plain nice.  
  
Conclusion: just like Quantum Leap, Pluto's spell had sent me within my own lifetime. Which, coincidently, was also Io's. I am Phil. I could deal with being a Saiyan, due to the perks. Being Juraian nobility? Once one gets beyond Ayeka, one finds that most of them tend to be mostly cool. But being a reincarnated Sailor Senshi? No benefits whatsoever.  
  
So, anyways, here I am. My alien symbiote, an offspring of Venom's, is nowhere to be found. I have no idea how far back in the Millennium I am, but given that the average lifespan for the Senshi is about 10,000 years, I could spend a VERY long time here until it fell. Plus, I have no guarantee that Io's lifetime ended with the fall of the Silver Millennium. I could, therefore, spend about the next ten thousand years here, give or take a few decades.  
  
A purple aura surrounds me. I run to the window and opened it up; some part of me doesn't want to destroy the nice room. I point my hands to the heavens. "Perfect Shi Shi Houkou Dan!" Even given Io's meager Chi powers, the blast of dark purple energy flies out of orbit. Guess I had a lot of pent up rage.  
  
In the back of my mind, I heard Io's voice. "Are you quite done yet, foul demon?"  
  
"The name's Phil." Yup, that's right; she thinks that I'm some kind of evil demon. Never mind that no demon worth its horns would attempt to possess the body of a minor Senshi, when Sailor Jupiter is a relatively short distance away. I guess that I gain a measure of intelligence after being reincarnated.  
  
On the other hand, I would probably assume much the same thing in her shoes.  
  
I take a deep, cleansing breath. "OK Phil, just calm down and remember what your Dad always told you."  
  
I see the image of my father. He says, "Son, if you're ever stranded in the past, don't touch anything! The slightest change could alter history as we know it forever!" I have always thought that was an odd thing to say, but now it makes some sense.  
  
I snort disdainfully. "Yeah, like I'm gonna change history." (Cue ominous music).  
  
Author's note: Now leaving first person narrative. Please fasten your safety belts, and thank you for not smoking.  
  
Phil considered her situation some more and decided that panicking wouldn't help her at all. So, she decided that she would make up a list of things to do. She walked over to a desk. Io attempted to resist the "demon's" control, but Phil smirked as she crushed the attempted rebellion. Io might not have been gone, but Phil's presence had rendered her all but impotent as far as control of her own body. Picking up a pen, Phil started writing.  
  
Things To Do:  
  
1. Kill Author for putting me here.  
  
2. Beat up Author's corpse for constantly referring to me as "she".  
  
Hey! I don't like where this is going.  
  
She (grrr...) replied, "Tough. Now, where was I?"  
  
3. Determine extent of my abilities in this body.  
  
4. Determine how far in the past I am.  
  
5. Find transport off of the planet.  
  
6. Go to Pluto and access Time Gate.  
  
7. While there, pay back Pluto for her future self's actions.  
  
8. If unable to access Time Gate, go to the Moon to have a talk with Queen Serenity. (Note to self: whatever you do, do not ever anger Serenity. She has the Silver Imperium Crystal and, unlike Usagi, the knowledge to use it. She could simply delete you. Literally.)  
  
  
  
"Yeah, that should cover it." Since goals one and two were unattainable, Phil skipped down to goal number three.  
  
Phil focused her Chi in order to power up. Then, she analyzed herself. "Power level... 50!?" That put her at about ten times normal human strength. "Damn! You Senshi sure are weak!"  
  
"Hey! We're the strongest beings in the Solar System!"  
  
Phil sighed. "No wonder Beryl manages to beat you."  
  
"What? She's just a minor noble!"  
  
"She eventually throws in with an all powerful entity named Metallia, gains awesome power, and destroys your precious little Silver Imperium. Now, let's see what I can do at power level 50." She attempted flight. In a few moments, she was zipping around the room. To Io, it felt like they were out of control. To Phil, it was like she was moving in slow motion. She halted, panting. "Damn! Can't do that for very long." She began to scan her memories. "Now, let's see what kind of powers you have, Io... Io Sacred Flame?" Phil suddenly burst into flame and began to run around in circles. After a few moments, she realized that she wasn't burning. When the fire stopped, she felt suddenly refreshed. "Huh. A self healing technique, eh? Could be useful."  
  
Meanwhile, Io was shocked. "I can fly?"  
  
"Yup!"  
  
"How?"  
  
"Oh, you just think of the happiest things. Pixie Dust also helps."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Or, to be flip, the secret to flight is to throw yourself at the ground and miss."  
  
Io nodded their head slightly, still not comprehending. "How can you do my attacks?"  
  
"I can access your memories. You can probably get a look in my head to, if you concentrate." Phil went back to her searching. Doing a few quick poses, she cried out, "Io Magma Flood!"  
  
* *  
  
Io was currently floating over the mass of hardened magma that had engulfed most of her room. "Nice going, Phil!"  
  
"Oh, I'm not just a "foul demon" now?"  
  
"I figured that out a bit ago. I can see your memories, and I'm ashamed of how careless I become!"  
  
"What, I didn't know it would be that strong! Heck, you're way above the Senshi in my own time!"  
  
"Well, don't bother rooting through my mind anymore! Those are the only attacks I have!"  
  
"What? The other Senshi have at least five!"  
  
"Well, I am what is known as a backup Senshi. Our main purpose is to guard our post, and occasionally accompany the primary Senshi on missions. Thus, I have a healing attack, to help Mistress Jupiter in the event that she is injured, and a wide dispersal attack to force an enemy to remain still until Jupiter can zap them."  
  
"So you're a decoy? That makes sense, I suppose." Phil focused, calming herself.  
  
Io felt goose pimples forming on her limbs, which shivered uncontrollably. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Soul of Ice. It's a technique I learned from an old Chinese Amazon by the name of Cologne. It lets me do... this!" She flew in a circle, then another and another, eventually forming a spiral. "Hiryu Shouten Ha!" The concentrated cold formed into an energy attack that blasted into the center of the magma. Large shards of rock flew everywhere. Phil barely managed to avoid one of them. "OK, obviously Ranma ½ Techniques are not beyond me. Now to try a few DBZ maneuvers."  
  
Io looked at the ruins of what had once been her room. Managing to take a quick glance into her "roommate's" memories, she saw what she meant by "DBZ maneuvers." And paled. "Could we do this somewhere else?"  
  
"Nope." Their lips turned upwards as Phil grinned. A blue aura surrounded them.  
  
* *  
  
Later:  
  
Phil stood in the ruins of what had once been an opulent room. The tears that ran down her cheeks were Io's. In her right arm was cradled the remains of an eight-legged horse. "Mr. Cuddles! Why!?"  
  
After nearly an hour's work, Phil had finally managed to go through her long list of techniques. "OK. Since I have a complete lack of Saiyan DNA, I cannot transform that way. Mystical Powerup and Kaio-ken are go. Kamehameha, Special Beam Cannon and Galick Gun are all performable. I lack the power to use the Big Bang Attack or the Spirit Bomb, and I'm too weak to split my energy up for the Multiform Technique. All in all, things are better than I thought they'd be." Phil switched off the Mystical Powerup and almost collapsed. She grimaced. "Note to self; all battles must be completed quickly and efficiently, or else I'll run dry in minutes. Man, do I wish I had some senzu beans." Then she remembered. "Io Sacred Flame!" After a few moments, she was back in peak condition, but noted that the technique depleted her manna reserves. "Got to remember that."  
  
"Do you really think that you'll need all of this power?"  
  
"If I'm stuck here, I might as well be a major player." She pulled out the list. "Determine extent of my abilities in this body. Check. Now I just have to figure out how far in the past I am. But how?" On a whim, she looked at a calendar that had somehow escaped the holocaust. "What the... 8,000 B.C.? Are you guys really on the B.C. system? Counting down to some event in the future!?"  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"Unbelievable! Even the Romans didn't do this! Whose idea was this?"  
  
"As the Senshi of Time, Pluto was placed in charge of inventing our calendar system. She said that she was using some time system used in the far future to make sure that things made sense after some event or another."  
  
"My, that is convenient. I guess the author's finally throwing me a bone. So, I am ten thousand years in the past. At the end of the Silver Millennium." Io didn't like how Phil kept referring to the fall of the Silver Imperium. She checked off step four. "Now to get transport off this planet."  
  
Io decided to help. After all, the sooner she got rid of this future version of herself, the better. "Leave that to me."  
  
A few minutes later...  
  
Phil eyed the craft incredulously. "What a piece of junk!" It was a craft that bore a striking resemblance to the Millennium Falcon, with a few minor differences. For one, the forward mandibles had been replaced with the cockpit. Otherwise, the craft was virtually identical.  
  
Io attempted to glare at herself by crossing her eyes. After several moments of this futile activity, she decided to respond to Phil's assessment of her ship. "What, you kidding me? This is top of the line! A YT-350 Correlian Freighter! It has a quad laser turret, that I can operate it from the cockpit, or with a gunner. I also have a concussion missile launcher built into the lower turret, and she plenty of shielding. She's faster than the any of the Imperium's ships. And I'm not talking about the little picket boats; I'm talking the big ones made on Mercury. She can make about 1.5 past light speed. In other words, we can outrun what we can't outgun."  
  
"Where did you get a Correlian Freighter?"  
  
"Oh, we do some trading with the Galactic Republic."  
  
"The Old Republic? Were they even around in the Silver Millennium?" Then Phil said, "Oh yeah. The Jedi guarded the Old Republic for a thousand generations, which works out to be about 25,000 years. They were there before the Silver Imperium, and thrived long after. Plus, when they fell, the Republic was reinstated in less than 50 years, as opposed to your ten thousand! Proof that Star Wars is better then Sailor Moon any day of the week! Oh yeah!"  
  
Io decided not the press the issue as they entered the craft. "Welcome aboard the Blue Heron!"  
  
"We'll need to work on that name."  
  
* * *  
  
A few thousand years later:  
  
See Ecks. See Ecks run. Run, Ecks run. See Ralph. See Ralph run. See Ralph run very fast from the pack of Velociraptors. Or, rather, Utahraptors.* Either way, dinosaurs with very nasty claws on their hands and feet, each weighing at least five times as much as either Physics Police Officer, were chasing them.  
  
Ecks was panting. She was also discovering just how hard it is to run in high heels. "Ralph! I thought these things were supposed to be extinct!"  
  
"They don't know that! There are dinosaurs in DBZ, and this is a DBZ universe!" Suddenly, a Triceratops moved into their path. They veered around it. The three horned dinosaur was immediately set upon by the Raptors. Given the bewilderment of the herbivore, it fell very quickly.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Ralph snorted. "What, did you really think that dinosaurs love the taste of human flesh so much that they'd rather spend hours on end hunting morsels like us  
  
when there's big game around?"  
  
"I see your point. Do you have it?" Ralph pulled the Dragon Ball out of his pocket. "Good. Now, according to the Dragon Radar, the next one is about twenty miles north of here."  
  
"Right." Manipulating a bit of manna, Ralph floated into the air. Ecks followed suit, then stopped.  
  
"Wait a second! We can fly! Why were we running from those Raptors?"  
  
Ralph shrugged. "It just slipped my mind, I guess." Ecks facefaulted. Looking down at the gorging Utahraptors, Ralph had an idea. He pulled a pokeball from his belt and grinned.  
  
  
  
* *  
  
Back in the past:  
  
"You take one down, pass it around, ninety-five thousand eight hundred and forty two bottles of beer on the wall."  
  
Io punched herself. It hurt, but it shut Phil up. "Stop singing that infernal song!"  
  
Phil paused. Her response was as follows; "Ninety-five thousand eight hundred and forty two bottles of beer on the *ouch!*" Phil rubbed her cheek. "It's not my fault I'm so bored! This thing moves like a Hutt!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
Phil sighed. "I just wish that there was something to do." Phil regretted it as a light on the instrument panel began beeping. She sighed. "I just had to give Bobcat an opening."  
  
Io pressed the button. "Hello?"  
  
On the screen flashed the image of Sailor Jupiter. Phil noted that she looked somewhat older. Also, the Senshi of Jupiter didn't look very happy. "Sailor Io, why have you abandoned your post?"  
  
Io couldn't think up an excuse. Phil interjected. "Uh, Mistress Jupiter, we, that is, I felt like taking a quick ride. There weren't any major duties to attend to, and decided to take a break." Jupiter muttered something about the younger generation, which Phil though was pretty funny considering the she only looked to be a few years older that Io.  
  
Jupiter snapped, "That was very irresponsible of you, Io! I thought you better than that!"  
  
"Um, with all due respect, I doubt that you just called to keep tabs on me."  
  
She nodded. "True enough. We have word that Planet X is under attack."  
  
Phil blinked. "Planet X?"  
  
Io took over. "We're, I mean, I'm on my way, Mistress Jupiter!" Before Sailor Jupiter could respond, the Backup Senshi broke their communications link and locked in the new course. The stars blurred, then all of space turned into a blue tunnel as they jumped into hyperspace.  
  
Jupiter cursed. The relatively primitive communicators at her disposal couldn't penetrate hyperspace. Mostly because the Silver Imperium hadn't yet found a way to enter it except through the ships produced by the Galactic Republic. She slammed her fist into a consol. "That airhead! If Sailor Planet X couldn't handle it, what chance does she think that she has!?" She had been planning to order Io to a rendezvous point so that the two of them could face the threat together. She leapt up and ran to her own transport. "With any luck, she can soften up those Saiyans for me." She decided that she could contact Sailor Europa en route.  
  
Phil had this impending sense of doom. Also, she didn't like being taken off of her path to the Time Gate and vengeance upon Sailor Pluto. Phil attempted to punch the emergency cutoff switch that would bring them back to realspace. However, Io focused all of her will into holding her arm still. Phil continued struggling. "You flake! Stop! I shall not be deterred from my righteous retribution!"  
  
Io had to think quickly. For one thing, Phil might remember that she had another arm to use. "Phil, it's our..."  
  
"You mean YOUR!"  
  
"... responsibility to help the people of Planet X!"  
  
Phil stopped. "Well, for one thing, there is no Planet X! I know for a fact that there are only nine planets and thirty-odd moons in our Solar System!"  
  
"Wrong! Computer, bring up data for Planet X!" The voice recognition technology responded, bringing up a hologram of a blue and white planet. Phil noted that it orbited along the same vector as the asteroid field currently does.  
  
In an annoying monotone, the computer read the data for Planet X. "Planet X. The fifth planet in the Solar System. It was named because the main continent bears a striking resemblance to the letter X. Atmosphere is of a similar composition as the Moon's. Planet has five satellites, each the size of a large meteor. None have any atmosphere, although several mining companies have expressed interest in them in recent years. Normal weather patterns: Yearlong wind storms cover approximately twenty percent of the planet's surface, the most famous of which is the Great Blue Spot. Over eighty percent of the remaining surface is covered by ocean. What remains is habitable by oxygen breathing organic life forms. Gravity: roughly twelve times that of the Moon, or 1.2 times that of Earth. Population as of 7090 B.C. is fifty million. For information on defenders, please use authorization code."  
  
Io shook her head. "Negative, computer. That won't be..."  
  
Phil interjected, seizing control of their vocal cords. "Code is 'Io Rules, Europa Drools'."  
  
"Code accepted."  
  
Io blinked. "How did you know that?"  
  
Phil grinned, even though Io couldn't see it. "I used to be you, remember?" She sorted through some memories and chuckled. "My, you really didn't like Sailor Europa, did you? Computer, give data on defenders."  
  
A message flashed on the hologram asking them to wait for a moment. "Defenders: Approximately one regiment of infantry is stationed on planet. Infantry is rated as being of regular experience. Also, roughly fifty short range fighters are stationed on Planet X. No other conventional forces are present. Bringing up psychological profile of Sailor Planet X, the Senshi of Courage."  
  
After a few moments, a picture of a girl about the same age as Jupiter's past incarnation appeared on the screen. Phil blinked. And he blinked again. "Shave off a few years, remove that scar on her right cheek... hmmm... oh my; Ecks was right."  
  
"Sailor Planet X. Official Title: the Senshi of Courage. Title was bestowed after single handedly driving away an invading force from the Skrull. Distinguishing characteristics: Sailor Planet X is approximately 1.7 meters tall and wears the standard Sailor Senshi Fuku colored black. She has straight black hair that goes down to the middle of her back. A small scar on her right cheek and a slightly larger nose eliminates any resemblance to Sailor Mars. Powers: unlike all of the other Senshi, her attacks draw primarily upon the energy field known as "Chi." Her magic potential is limited, but she is the most physically powerful of the Senshi. Has served in several campaigns, and has received many commendations for her efforts. No further data."  
  
Phil raised their eyebrow. "Uh, Io, why do you have data on all of the Senshi on your ship?"  
  
"Why wouldn't I? It's always a good idea to be informed."  
  
Phil silently noted that perhaps her past self wasn't so flaky after all.  
  
* *  
  
Planet X  
  
Sailor Planet X collapsed as the attacker's fist smashed her right cheek. The red scar flared as the scar tissue began to bleed. She brought herself up onto her hands and knees and coughed. Summoning her dwindling Chi reserves, Ecks staggered to her feet. She glared at the man before her.  
  
The Saiyan mercenary, named Tag, cracked his knuckles and grinned. Unlike most of his race, his black hair was neither long, nor did it ignore gravity. He had a large nose and a strong chin. His light blue eyes carried a look of pure contempt. His brown, furry tail wriggled behind him. In a mocking tone, he said, "Oh, what's the matter? Is the poor widdle Sailow Senshi gonna cwy? 'Cause that'd just be oh so sad! Boo hoo."  
  
His companion was named Bink. He had an olive complexion, and his black hair was shaved in a buzz cut. His brown eyes communicated extreme boredom. He had a weak chin and a small nose. His own tail behaved like that of an angry cat. "Tag, are you quite done playing with her? Lady Kalt will not be pleased if we are tardy."  
  
"Let that damned lizard lady wait. I'm having fun."  
  
Bink glowered at his partner. "Tag, it's easy for you to forget the day that those aliens attacked and enslaved our race, but I was there. It was horrible; they destroyed half of our cities AFTER we had surrendered! I, for one, do not appreciate the idea of provoking another such punishment!"  
  
Tag sighed. "Fine. I'll just be two more minutes."  
  
Ecks pointed her hands at the gloating Saiyan. "Planet X Cannon!" A green blast of light struck Tag in the torso. And had no visible effect. "How the hell did he do that?" She sank to her knees, completely exhausted. Then, she fell face first into the soil of her world. "I've failed my world!"  
  
Tag lifted her up by her hair and he was rewarded by a cry of pain from Ecks. "Is that the best you Senshi can do? Oh, and don't worry. Your planet will be just fine. It's the population that's going bye bye."  
  
"Wh-what?"  
  
"Lady Kalt is in the business of depopulating planets, and then selling them on the open market. We work for her, and as such, that is our business as well."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yup. Everything you know is gonna get blown away, and there isn't a thing you can do about it."  
  
Bink ignored Tag's banter. "Hey Tag, you feel that?"  
  
Tag caught Ecks with a kick to the jaw that was accompanied by a loud crunch. "Feel what?"  
  
"Just a bit of foreboding. I feel a significant power heading this way."  
  
Tag stopped his beating for a moment. "Hey, you're right. I'd say around power level fifty. Way below this creampuff." He returned to his savage assault. He grabbed her arm, manipulated it so that it stood out strait, then brought his hand in for a vicious chop. Ecks cried out again as her arm was broken.  
  
Bink pointed. "See that? It's one of them new TY-350 Correlian model Freighters." Tag leveled his arm to blast is out of the sky, but Bink smacked him on the back of the head. "Stop that, you idiot! That thing's way above those pods we're piloting. Just imagine; traveling from system to system in weeks, instead of months! A ship with actual weapon systems, and enough shielding to take a few hits! And, most glorious of all, enough leg room that we wouldn't need to go into suspended animation just to keep from getting cabin fever! I say we take it!"  
  
Tag nodded. "I hadn't thought of that." He kicked Ecks in the face, shattering her nose.  
  
Bink growled. "If you aren't willing to finish her off, then I will!" A blast of yellow energy engulfed Ecks, and she disappeared as she was reduced to her component atoms.  
  
Tag was enraged. "Hey, she was my kill! That's not fair!"  
  
"You know the saying; fairness is what the weak demand. Now back off! It's my turn. Even if we are forty times stronger than she is, it might be fun."  
  
Tag scratched his head. "How da ya know it's a she?"  
  
Bink smirked. "These Silver Imperium types are all alike; completely biased in favor of females. Believe me, as far as those stupid bitches are concerned, males are only worthy of being cannon fodder and breeding stock."  
  
"Like that regiment we vaporized?"  
  
"Bingo."  
  
The Blue Heron landed almost on top of the pair. Phil and Io had been watching the last part of the battle through as they came in for a landing. Io was distraught. "Those jerks! How could they do that?"  
  
"You have to make certain allowances for Saiyans. Now, leave this to me." Remembering their "training session," Io nodded.  
  
Phil walked across the gangplank and almost fell over. "Damned high heels." She immediately kicked them off.  
  
Bink smirked. "Well, girly, you're rich. You can't even walk in your own damned uniform!"  
  
Phil smirked back. "We'll see who's laughing in a minute, asshole."  
  
Bink pretended to be taken aback. "Gasp! This one's got quite a mouth on her!"  
  
"Say Bink, you think we should have a little "fun" with this one before we vape her?"  
  
Bink eyed the curvy blue haired girl. He liked what he saw. "Why Tag. That's the best idea I've had all day."  
  
Now Phil was officially pissed. "Bastards!" The air around her shimmered as she utilized the Mystical Powerup.  
  
Bink looked back at his partner. "Hey Tag, wanna give me a power level reading on this one?"  
  
"Sure thing." Tag took an item from his pocket that looked a lot like a tricorder. Phil guessed that the monocle style Scouters hadn't been invented yet. Tag pressed the button. As the numbers climbed, Tag's expression went from egotistical to petrified. "Bink! P-power level four thousand, five hundred and twenty nine!"  
  
"What?"  
  
Phil grinned. "To borrow a phrase, it's clobberin' time!" Phil faded out of sight, then reappeared with her fist in Bink's gut. To her surprise, he was still standing. "Oh, right. I'm not all powerful anymore."  
  
Bink exhaled. "OK, now I'm gonna kick your scrawny butt!"  
  
Phil responded by kneeing him in the groin. She almost wished that she still had her high heels. He collapsed. She grinned at Tag. "Wanna try me, ugly?"  
  
"Why you little!" His aura flared to life. In seconds, the two were locked in combat, disappearing and reappearing at random points. Tag took a right hook that sent him flying into a rocky outcropping. He quickly recovered. "You're gonna have to do better than that!"  
  
Phil estimated that Tag was the stronger of the pair. Individually, she would have little problem against them. Together, however, they were a force to be reckoned with. Also, she didn't know how long she could maintain her current power level. She flew in towards Tag on an intercept course. "I've got to finish this fast. Chestnut Fist!" Her fists became blurs that repeatedly hammered the Saiyan. His battle armor had several large cracks in it. A purple aura flared to life around her. "Shi Shi Houkou ouch!" Bink, having recovered from her earlier attack, kicked her in the back of the head. Her purple aura collapsed.  
  
She fell to her knees. Bink grabbed her by the arm. She struggled, attempting to free herself. She was quite surprised when she couldn't do so. She thought this over. "What? I'm twice as strong as he is! This form must shoot my upper body strength to hell!"  
  
Bink laughed. "We're gonna have fun with this one. Plenty of spunk!"  
  
Then, she had an idea. She gathered her energy into her free hand. "Special Beam Cannon!" The twin bolts of energy blasted into Bink's arm, almost burning through the skin. As it was, he now sported a nasty third degree burn in that spot.  
  
That was when Tag reentered the fray. Although she had greater speed, the two had worked together for years, and could anticipate each other's moves. Her kick caught Tag in the arm, but Bink was already behind her. She barely managed to avoid his Chi bolt and launch her counterstrike. The one-two combo hammered Bink's stomach, but his armor held.  
  
Bink's punch was perfectly timed with Tag's, and they boxed her ears. She cried out in pain as the assault knocked out her inner ear. She collapsed to the ground once again. She was quickly on her feet again, but didn't stay there for long, as Tag punched her in the gut. Attempting to ignore the pain, Phil managed to block the next couple of punches. However, while she was attempting to deal with Tag, Bink got her in a full Nelson. "Give it up, girly!"  
  
Io had an idea. "Io Sacred Flame!" She burst into fire, worsening the damage Phil had done to his arm. Crying out, he lost his grip. Phil took the reins again, elbowing him in the gut, then putting the heel of her hand into his chin.  
  
However, while Bink was getting his head handed to him, Tag had been powering up an attack. "Take this!" A bolt of green energy flew out at her. Unable to dodge in time, Phil moved her arms to cover her face. The Chi washed over her, and when she was visible again, she was smoldering. Phil was in serious pain.  
  
Phil muttered, "So much for that makeup."  
  
Bink had ripped off part of his shirt to bandage his wound. Now, he was back on the defensive, and Tag joined in. As blows rained down on the Physics Police Officer, she knew that she as in trouble.  
  
"Io, we can't win this way."  
  
"Yeah, but what are we going to do?"  
  
Bink blinked. "She's talking to herself! This chick's nuts!"  
  
Phil grit their teeth. "This. Kaio-ken times two!" A red aura flared to life around them. Her fist smashed into Tag's face, and she felt the nose give away. Bink could barely see the attack that came next; Phil flipped him over her shoulder, and he crashed into Tag. The Saiyans lay there for a moment, attempting to recover.  
  
Phil didn't give them the chance. "Ka... me... ha... me... HA!" The massive wave of blue energy flew out at the pair. Tag and Bink were sure that the end had finally come.  
  
And then, with some adrenaline induced power, Tag somehow blocked it.  
  
Thus, the blast ricocheted . The massive blast burrowed into Planet X. After a few moments, there was a great rumbling. Off in the distance, Phil saw gasses seeping out of a massive hole in the planet's crust.  
  
Io screamed, "Phil, what have you done?"  
  
Phil's Mystical Powerup collapsed. "I guess I put just a little too much energy into that last blast. Oops." Phil stumbled. "Io, quick, get us to the ship! I don't have enough energy left to move us!" The Backup Senshi didn't disagree, and in a few minutes, the Blue Heron and a couple of Saiyan model space pods flew away from the planet. Of course, they took different routes.  
  
A few seconds later, the planet exploded. The reaction would eventually form the asteroid belt.  
  
* *  
  
In the cockpit of the Blue Heron, Phil was nervous. Jupiter had a glare that would have peeled titanium off of a space shuttle. And she wasn't even her boss.  
  
"What do you mean, Planet X is gone?"  
  
Phil was doing the talking. "Well, uh, Mistress Jupiter, you see, some Saiyan on that planet put a bit too much energy into a blast and, well, boom!" Phil wasn't exactly lying; she was, in part, a Saiyan, in mind if not in body.  
  
Jupiter nodded. "And what of Sailor Planet X?"  
  
"She fought with honor to the last." Phil was actually kind of sad about that. Then again, she figured that Ecks would have to have died anyways at the end of the Imperium, and besides, it wasn't her fault.  
  
The deaths of the fifty million people weighed heavily on her conscience. "I'm as bad as Freeza, or Grand Moff Tarkin, or Emperor Palpatine. I'm a monster." She let Io relate the tale to her superior, and brooded in the back of their collective mind.  
  
Then, she realized a few things. For one, Tag and Bink would have killed them all anyways; all she did was to ensure that some mercenary scum- lord didn't profit from it. "Besides," she considered, "the Saiyans just might leave the Solar System alone for a while. Say, about ten thousand years?" Also, even if she had saved them, they would have died along with the rest of the Moon Kingdom due to Queen Beryl's attack. So, all she had done was to speed up the process. She still felt horrible, and swore that she would find some way to make up for it. Somehow.  
  
Jupiter sighed. "We shall return to the Moon for debriefing."  
  
"But..."  
  
"No buts, Io!"  
  
Phil was torn. On the one hand, she felt like telling her where she could put her orders. On the other, Phil realized that she had to maintain the charade of being Sailor Io, or else risk being "exorcized" out of existence by the Silver Imperium Crystal. She nodded. "OK." This time, it was Jupiter that broke the link. Phil said, "Io, you take the controls for a bit. I think that I've earned a nap."  
  
Io was left alone with her thoughts. What scared her was that, with Phil's complete memories of the rest of her life, she couldn't find any remembrances of this. "History is shifting dramatically."  
  
Meanwhile, on Pluto, the Senshi of the same name used the last of her headache medication going over the same dilemma.  
  
* *  
  
"Bink." No response. "Bink." Again, nothing. "Bink!"  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"What're we gonna tell Lady Kalt?"  
  
"We don't have to tell HER anything. It's Baron Kura that we have to worry about. I doubt that he'll be happy with us, seeing as how we've failed. We were supposed to get that Planet, and what happened? That crazy chick blew it up!"  
  
Tag began thinking. "OK, we need a story. OK, here's what we tell him; some kind of Super Senshi beat us up, and we barely managed to leave with our lives."  
  
Bink responded with sarcasm. "Oh, yeah. Sure. The Baron is just going to be THRILLED to find out that two of his warriors got beaten up by a Sailor Senshi."  
  
"But we were!"  
  
"Look, Tag, if we're going to lie, we might as well make it good."  
  
"OK... so, how about a Super Saiyan?"  
  
"A what?"  
  
Tag was on a roll. "Yeah, a Super Saiyan! Yeah, she... no, make that he. HE had power greater than that of Lady Kalt."  
  
"Oh really. A rogue Saiyan?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, and, um... oh! If we say that he was noble, and that there was a genetic chance of all nobility accessing this power, the Baron'd be a lot happier!"  
  
Bink was getting into it. "Yeah, so this Super Saiyan guy, he comes along. Oh, we'll say that he could only maintain his power in his Oozaru state, and he lost control of his power and blew up the planet."  
  
Tag grinned. "And then we, being the good, responsible guys that we are, decided that, as good as a heroic death sounded, that we had to tell our Baron of this horrible news!"  
  
"Let's make it a legendary thing. Like, say, the legendary Super Saiyan will rise every... nine hundred years?"  
  
"Make it a thousand. It's a rounder number."  
  
"So, this Super Saiyan had great power. He was in Oozaru form, and accidentally destroyed the planet. And, every thousand years, another noble will gain this strength!"  
  
Tag nodded. "Sounds good to me. Let's rehearse it some more."  
  
And thus, Phil was the inspiration for the legend of the Super Saiyan. Due to the power of suggestion, the Saiyan's DNA shifted so that this power was accessible to their offspring, although it took nearly ten thousand years before any Saiyan managed to achieve that level of power. Baron Kura spared their lives, and they went on to fight in many more battles.  
  
End Part 33  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's note: Anybody who can figure out where I came up with the names "Tag" and "Bink" will receive a lovely "No Prize." Inspired by Marvel Comics' famous item, I will email you and tell you that you have received... nothing! The answer will be revealed in five chapters.  
  
NEW NOTE: The No-Prize offered for Tag and Binks origin ended on March 22, 2002. Sorry if you came too late to enter (not that anyone besided Elvin Flame cared, but I digress.)  
  
* For those who wonder what the heck a Utahraptor is: for Jurassic Park, Steven Spielberg decided that the real Velociraptors were too tiny to be intimidating. Each Raptor in the movie was at least three times larger than their real life equivalent. The script writers and consultants were very nervous for a long time about this scientific inaccuracy, until Utahraptor, a predator exactly the same size as the movie Raptors, was discovered in, you guessed it: Podunk Idaho. But seriously, all of the Raptors in the Jurassic Park movies were really Utahraptors. Thank you for your time.  
  
* Kalt: German for Cold. 


	34. Why Phil's Life Sucks: Chapter 3

Part 34  
  
Why Phil's Life Sucks  
  
Chapter Three  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: I do hereby declare that Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z and Dragon Ball GT are the sole property of the Great Fanfiction Author's Communist Party! That's right! Cast off the foul yokes of capitalism and come with me! Write what you want when you want, and no more disclaimers! (Sound of gun being cocked). Uh, Luigi! Back so soon? Help!  
  
Earth's Moon  
  
Date: 8000 B.C.  
  
Phil was terrified. Practically scared out of her wits, in fact.  
  
Now, this was a very rare occurrence. Phil had faced beings like Cell, Majin Buu, Vegeta and Kerrigan without breaking. She would occasionally retreat when it was convenient, but had never known true fear. Thus, it was very odd that Phil was afraid of that bastion of love, the mother figure of the Sailor Senshi, Queen Serenity.  
  
The reason that Phil was afraid was because she was currently inhabiting the body of another. Specifically, one of the Senshi, Sailor Io. Phil had read up Serenity's psychological profile once, looking for some insight on the woman who, for no apparent reason, had decided that the ultimate warriors of love and justice would be girls in Japanese style school uniforms. She knew that Serenity was, overall, a kind, loving person. However, she went into mother grizzly mode when her Senshi were in danger, and tended to rule with a titanium fist.  
  
Since the Senshi hadn't been killed and reincarnated yet, Serenity had no reason to believe any story Phil might tell about her being the reborn Senshi, mysteriously sent back in time to inhabit the form of her past life. More likely, as Io had initially done, Serenity would consider her a demon sent by some previously unknown enemy to possess her Senshi. However, unlike Io, whose magical talents were limited to her Senshi powers, Serenity possessed the Silver Imperium Crystal. With this power magical artifact, she would simply "exorcize" Io, eliminating Phil. Utterly and completely. After all, nobody ever really cared what happened to the demon of the week; it was just a "soulless monster."  
  
Io had initially been all for this plan, until Phil had pointed out a very important fact; eventually, since she and Phil were one, Io would return to the past as Phil and be erased. This had dampened Io's enthusiasm quite a bit.  
  
Currently, Phil was doing her best to blend in. She made no attempts to move Io's body, was mostly silent, and basically folded into herself. Since their mental patterns were fairly similar, Phil figured that it would take a skilled telepath to determine that Io's mind had two inhabitants.  
  
Thus, Io was in control when they entered the Queen's chamber. She, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Europa all fell to their knees, waiting for Serenity to acknowledge their presence.  
  
Phil considered her companions. Sailor Jupiter, for one, was completely different than her future incarnation. Unlike the tough, but well meaning, boy crazy girl she had met before, Jupiter had an old soul, despite the fact that she still looked to be in her early twenties. Of course, Phil decided that it was an inevitable result of aging one year for every one hundred that passed, but still. Phil's Force abilities had been cut off upon returning to the past, but she could instinctively sense that Jupiter was a veteran of far more combat than Makoto would ever have dreamed of. It was in the way she carried herself, with an air of confidence. It was in the way that she talked, the short and to the point speech patterns of one who knew that their life could end at any moment. More, however, were her eyes. Phil could see a sorrow in those eyes; she had seen it in her own in the mirror on several occasions. It was the look of anybody who has ever had to say goodbye to an ally on the battlefield. Phil prayed that the future Jupiter never encountered those memories. The trauma could literally destroy one's psyche.  
  
Sailor Europa, on the other hand, was completely different. She was a fiery redhead, with a determination in her eyes. In her youthful exuberance, Europa probably felt that she could tackle anything. Phil mentally sighed. "Ah, the innocence of youth." Which was ironic, considering that Europa had probably seen more than a hundred years than Phil had. However, Europa simply hadn't lived as much as Phil had. Phil could sense that Io really didn't like that girl at all, and scanned her memories, attempting to determine why. Phil sighed upon seeing why. "Europa was always managing to curry the favor of those in power, getting the choice assignments, dating everybody that Io liked... man, it's like me and Warren!" She reflected that, no matter how many thousands of years passed, no matter what her name, she was always the low man on the totem pole.  
  
Idly, Phil wondered how the color coding of the Sailor Senshi's hair had broken down. Sailor Mercury, the Senshi of Water, had blue hair. Sailor Saturn, the dark Senshi destined to destroy Earth, had black hair. In Io's case, she was the Senshi of a fiery and volcanic planet, yet had dark blue hair. Europa, a world of ice, had a defender with hair of red.  
  
Phil's musings were interrupted as Serenity addressed them. Phil quickly retreated back into the recesses of Io's mind, but made sure that she still had connections to what Io saw and heard.  
  
"Rise, my Senshi." They complied. "This a dark day for us all. Planet X has been destroyed, along with its Senshi. There will be a day of mourning throughout the Solar System. But first, Io, since you were the only witness to the event, what happened?"  
  
Io took a deep breath, remembering the version of events that they had decided would be the least likely to end with Phil's erasure. "Your majesty, I was already in space at the point that Mistress Jupiter contacted me. I was admittedly over exuberant, and disconnected immediately upon hearing the location of the threat, without waiting to be informed of its nature. As I entered the atmosphere, I was able to witness and record Sailor Planet X fall before the invaders. I managed to determine that they were Saiyans, likely hired to depopulate the planet so that it could be sold on the open market."  
  
Io inhaled. This was where she would have to lie through her teeth in order not to be found out. "I attacked them head on and was overwhelmed. They proved to be virtually immune to my attacks. At the height of the battle, one of the Saiyans fired an energy blast with more power than I have ever seen before. I was barely able to dodge the blast, and it tore into the planet, reaching its core. I realized that I couldn't beat the Saiyans, and retreated just before the planet exploded. Then, I rendezvoused with Mistress Jupiter and Sailor Europa and joined you here.  
  
Serenity nodded. "Thank you, Io. Now Jupiter, explain why I should allow you to leave here alive."  
  
All three blinked at once. Jupiter responded, "Whatever do you mean, your majesty?"  
  
She glared at them. "Being the closest planet, you and your backup Senshi were given orders to mobilize. Only one of your subordinates actually engaged the enemy, and, due to a lack of support, failed miserably. You and Sailor Europa arrived nearly an hour after the fact, and found the planet vaporized. Your failure was complete; you didn't even manage to find the Saiyans who attacked Planet X!"  
  
Jupiter shifted uncomfortably. She had never seen her queen like this before. Then again, Serenity had never had one of her planets vaporized, either. The Queen had a number of bad tendencies; she sometimes sought out a convenient scapegoat, often took bad advice to heart and would rarely change her mind once it was made up. This time, Jupiter had been in charge of the situation, and the situation had gone badly. Actually, she decided that this was one of those situations where the Queen had a point, but she didn't think that Serenity had really thought it through. However, the Queen never suggested death unless she had already decided upon it. Jupiter resigned herself to her fate.  
  
Io interjected on her commander's behalf. "Your highness, with all due respect, I think that you're being a little hard on her. Yes, the planets Jupiter was the closest to Planet X, but the distance was still great. The only reason that I arrived in time to fight the invaders was because I was on a joyride. Also, I believe that, even with all three of us there at once, we couldn't have defeated them."  
  
Serenity was surprised. "A power greater than that of the Senshi?"  
  
Io realized that she was going out on a limb, but couldn't back down now. However, she knew that the first rule of talking to Queen Serenity and surviving the experience was to not denigrate her Sailor Senshi. "Your majesty, I have trained with Mistress Jupiter, and I have fought with these invaders. I know the strengths of both. Jupiter could most likely surpass the Saiyans for sheer power, but they were far swifter. We wouldn't have been able to lay a glove on them. I managed to connect a few times, but I think that they were toying with me. I couldn't have beaten them." This time, Io was telling the truth; she couldn't have contributed meaningfully to the battle. After all, it was Phil who had actually fought. "I beseech you, do not blame Mistress Jupiter!"  
  
Phil was wondering why Io was struggling to hard to save Sailor Jupiter. It could just be the connection between an officer and her subordinate, but Phil found that unlikely. She could sense some kind of bond between the two, but sifting through the memories of her past life was a trying task.  
  
Serenity considered. Then, her eyes softened. The emotion in Io's plea had touched her. "I see the wisdom in what you say, Io. I may have been too harsh. I suppose that, in my grief for the people of Planet X, as well as Sailor Planet X, my judgment may have been clouded. You are all dismissed."  
  
Phil was surprised that it had worked. According to what she knew about Queen Serenity, those who disagreed with her often met with various unpleasant fates. Phil briefly wondered if Io had subconsciously used a Jedi Mind trick. "Hey, Io, why'd you do that? I mean, your odds of success weren't very good, and you could have ended up sharing her fate."  
  
Io thought back, "Wouldn't you do the same for your mother?"  
  
"Makoto? My... Mother?" Suddenly, triggered by the thought, a wave of her own memories confirmed it.  
  
As they left the palace, Phil had to work VERY hard to suppress the dark purple aura that was building up around her. All that stopped the Shi Shi Houkou Dan was the threat of discovery and erasure.  
  
* *  
  
Ten Thousand Years Later:  
  
Ecks spread out the Dragon Balls in a circular pattern. A few meters away, turned away from the event, Ralph was panting. Having spent the better part of a day hunting down these mystical rocks, he was exhausted. Particularly the three star ball, which they had found last. He shuddered. "Who (pant) would have (wheeze) thought that (pant) gators could be so fast?"  
  
Ecks looked in an old Dragon Ball magazine, studying the proper way to release Shen Long, the Eternal Dragon. "OK, that should do it." She cleared her throat. "Ahem. Arise, Eternal Dragon!" The balls glowed a very bright orange. Suddenly, from nowhere, a ball of energy formed. After a few moments, it began to stretch and contort itself into the shape of a very large, green, oriental style dragon. Ecks was dumbstruck. "Whoa. Big. Dragon." She promptly fainted.  
  
In a booming voice, it said, "I am Shen Long, the Eternal Dragon! I shall grant any two wishes that you desire, but be warned; they shall come true."  
  
Ralph, having missed the sound of the dragon's summoning over the sound of his heartbeat and ragged breathing, said, "Man, I wish all the superheroes and supervillains were back so that I could take a nap."  
  
The Jedi nearly wet himself when Shen Long said, "Your wish has been granted." He finally turned around and saw the dragon and the unconscious form of Ecks.  
  
"Did I say that out loud?"  
  
"Yes, mortal."  
  
"In the immortal words of Homer Simpson: D'oh!"  
  
* *  
  
Meanwhile, at the cursed springs of Jusenkyo...  
  
A pink haired nun wiped her brow. "Sister Mary," formerly known as Cell, had been hard work attempting to rebuild the church that had never existed. Having found no evidence of any buildings of any sort, besides the small shack inhabited by the Jusenkyo Guide and his daughter, she was forced to build from the ground up. The foundation was proving rather difficult. But, she persevered, remembering what that nice man had said that she would be forgiven once she had built the church. Suddenly, as Shen Long's wish took affect, she felt rather faint; it was as if a large part of her being had suddenly vanished. It passed quickly enough, so she went back to work.  
  
* *  
  
Ralph was pondering what to do. On the one hand, it might be a good idea to wish that he would know exactly what his wish had done. Unfortunately, that would make it impossible for him to undo any damage that he had done for a full year. Spending time with Phil, he had learned that one day of chaos could have disastrous results for everyone. He then multiplied the effect by three hundred and sixty-five and a quarter, and shuddered at the result.  
  
On the other hand, he could always wish back all of the ordinary people, as well as whatever structures Cell and Majin Buu had destroyed. The Dragon had once wished back the entire population of the planet Namek; it could likely bring back the people killed by those monsters. The only problem with that was that they could all easily be killed again if he had unleashed anything truly horrible upon the world.  
  
So, he could undo the wish. The phrase, "I wish that my last wish be undone," would make the whole problem go away. Then, in a year, he could simply come back and try again. Unfortunately, that choice was also unacceptable, since it would cause all of the superheroes to be reabsorbed by Sister Mary. A year without any significant superheroes on Earth could be devastating, considering how many new villains and alien invaders surfaced annually.  
  
Then again, he could always send the Dragon away. If he did that, he would be able to make a single wish in four months, by which time he would know enough of the situation to make an educated wish. However, four months of chaos didn't sound much better than a full year.  
  
Shen Long was becoming annoyed. "Do not waste my time, mortal."  
  
Ralph decided to go with option number two. "I wish that everybody and everything absorbed, killed and/or destroyed by Majin Buu and/or Cell would be brought back to life or rebuilt."  
  
"Your wish has been granted." In a flash of light, Ralph felt an odd disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried out, and then wondered what the heck had just happened. Shen Long returned to the Dragon Balls, which were turned to gray stones. The levitated into the air, and then flew to the far edges of the earth.  
  
Ecks woke up. "Huh? What happened?"  
  
Ralph said, "Nothing important. Now, let's go back to the shrine."  
  
Nodding, Ecks took to the sky. Ralph followed, praying that he hadn't screwed up too badly.  
  
(Author's note: yeah, right.)  
  
* *  
  
Back in the past:  
  
Phil was adapting to the idea of being Makoto's daughter. After all, none of her own body's genes had come from the brunette. They were nothing alike, physically. Phil theorized that the generations of selective breeding involved in the Physics Police's eugenics program had brought that about.  
  
Io, on the other hand, did bear a striking resemblance to her mother, as far as body shape and face were concerned. She wasn't as tall as her mother, but they were otherwise similar. Also, looking deeper, she could see some personality traits shared by Io and Jupiter. Jumping up and defending your ally against a great threat like Io had done, even if your odds of success were grim? Classic Sailor Jupiter. From Io's memories, Phil saw that she had always been shy around boys, although she and her (admittedly small) circle of friends talked about little else. Again, just like Makoto. So, the connection was there. Besides, it explained Io's intense dislike of Europa; sibling rivalry.  
  
"So, let me see if I've got this right; Jupiter's your mother and Europa's your sister. You're the youngest sibling, so you're also last in line for the succession of the mantle of Sailor Jupiter. You hate Europa because, as firstborn, she gets all of the privileges. Am I right so far?"  
  
"Mostly."  
  
"Now, who was your father?"  
  
"I don't know. It really doesn't matter. Just some consort."  
  
Phil's eyebrow raised, but she didn't say anything. In a matrilineal society like the Silver Imperium, males were generally given short shrift. Since the Senshi weren't allowed to marry (mainly because Queen Serenity decided that it would be too great a distraction from their duties to her. Phil noted that Serenity was something of a control freak), they would occasionally take consorts in order to breed successors. What confused Phil was that he had read that each Senshi was only allowed one daughter to carry on their title. Io couldn't explain the discrepancy, since it was all that she knew. Phil supposed the FC-1 hadn't been formed from a perfect replica of the Sailor Moon universe, much like how there were small deviations in the DBZ timeline.  
  
Phil and Io ceased their internal conversation as Jupiter reached out and touched their shoulder. "Io, thank you for defending me back there. You have my gratitude. Thus, you will only be grounded for a week."  
  
"Huh?" Phil and Io said this simultaneously.  
  
Jupiter sighed. "Daughter, please understand. Your punishment is for abandoning your post to go "joyriding," as you put it. Now, you will not be allowed to leave Io for any reason whatsoever for a full week. Understood?"  
  
Phil had to struggle even harder to suppress the Shi Shi Houkou Dan. Io took over. "Yes, Mother."  
  
"Very well. Please know that I am proud of you, for both your defense of myself, and helping to protect Planet X. You shall grow up to be a fine Senshi. I shall see you in a week."  
  
That was when the Senshi of Jupiter and the Senshi of Europa left. Which was good, considering that Phil's battle aura flared dramatically, actually burning away the ground beneath her. Phil's eye twitched. "Note to self; when I get back to the future, hurt Makoto. Change that. Make that hurt Makoto SEVERELY." Still trembling, she stomped up the Blue Heron's gangplank, creating several large dents in the process. A few moments later, the Correlian freighter left the Moon's atmosphere.  
  
* *  
  
Ten Thousand Years later, at the Masaki Shrine:  
  
The air around Omi shimmered, as the energies of the Mystical Powerup surrounded her. Pure rage was all that was reflected from her normally soft features. At the moment, she was holding Sailor Pluto up by the front of her Fuku. Omi lashed out with her index finger, slashing across Pluto's cheek. "I'm not going to ask again. What did you do to my father?"  
  
At the moment, Phil's comatose form was lying on the couch. All of the future girls had attempted to revive their mentor, but to no avail. That was when Omi had flipped out. Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, Chibi Ryoko and GoChibi were currently hiding behind the aforementioned couch. They had never seem Omi like this.  
  
Pluto sputtered, "I-I sent his mind to the past, so that he would meet with his past life. He'll be back once he completes his mission! Please, don't hurt me anymore!"  
  
Chibi Ryoko scratched her head. "I don't remember Phil ever mentioning that. Do you, GoChibi?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
The young super genius shook her head. "Tisk tisk. Pluto, there's something you should know; it's been proven that it's statistically impossible to change history back to the way it was originally. Any changes you make in your attempts to stabilize the timeline will just make it worse. Now, I suggest that you leave before Omi gets madder."  
  
"O-OK. I give up! But, don't come crying to me when your presence changes history as we know it forever!" Waving about the Time Staff (which looked as if it had been snapped in half and then repaired with duct tape), Pluto disappeared.  
  
GoChibi looked at her Godfather with a look of concern in her eyes. "I hope he's OK."  
  
Chibi Ryoko sighed. "If only there was something we could do!"  
  
"Jiggly!" Jigglypuff popped out of nowhere, brandishing its pen/microphone. It pointed the device at Phil's face and made a few motions, indicating that it wanted to draw on Phil's face.  
  
Omi powered down and sighed. "No, Jigglypuff. Besides that. Jigglypuff, return!" Omi's Pokemon returned to its Pokeball. Omi thought for a few moments, and then said, "Hey, maybe we could play some Mario Party while we wait for Phil's mind to return?"  
  
"OK."  
  
The three girls raced for the TV, each calling out, "I call controller one!"  
  
Ayeka, who had raced to the top of the stairs when she had heard the explosions, saw Phil lying there, completely helpless. She realized that she could simply kill him right then and there, thus ending her torment for good. However, as much as it would benefit her, she couldn't bring herself to slay him in cold blood like that. So, her mind was focused on pondering why Phil was always so mean to her. "After all", she reasoned, "if I can find the root of the problem, then I can find the solution." (As we know, he does it because of a lack of better targets, but she didn't know that.)  
  
Most people, when attempting to work out something logically, they follow the following pattern: they start with a group of facts, determine how they relate to each other, and then come to a conclusion. Ayeka's thought process was reversed; she began with a few conclusions that comfortably fit her world view, molded the facts to fit said world view, then made a new conclusion.  
  
Ayeka began with two conclusions; 1) she was a dignified Princess, with womanly charms that no man could resist, and 2) Phil was an immature, egotistical bastard. (OK, so she was half right. If you can't guess which half, you have some kind of learning disorder.)  
  
So, she thought for a few moments, and then considered her analysis of Phil's personality. Perhaps he thought a lot of himself, but, she reasoned, he was so strong that he had reason to do so. After all, most people with above human strength (but obviously not herself) tended to be egotistical, like Ryoko. So, perhaps his high opinion of himself was excusable.  
  
Then, as far as his immaturity, she had noticed the same thing in Ryoko was well (but again, obviously SHE, the beautiful, demure princess, wasn't the immature one). Perhaps it was a side effect of being superhuman? Either way, she considered something that she had seen on a talk show once. Specifically, immature boys tended to mock and tease and, on occasion, pull pranks on girls that they liked.  
  
Taking this possibility and combining it with conclusion number one, she could find only one "logical" solution; Phil was obviously smitten with her, but couldn't bring himself to admit his true feelings for her. Without that vent for his emotions, he had to find other ways to get her attention.  
  
At first, she was repulsed by the idea. Then, she happened to notice Chibi Ryoko. The girl from the future was living proof that she and Tenchi just simply weren't meant to be. Also, she didn't want to end up alone, like Chibi Ryoko had mentioned. Looking at the currently soulless form of Phil, she came to the realization that he actually was rather attractive. Thus, for herself and to help the poor, sweet, emotionally immature Phil, she would pursue him!  
  
Phil suddenly flipped over. She blinked. "That's odd. If I didn't know better, I would say he was turning over in his grave. Oh, well." She went to the room she shared with Sasami to make herself presentable for Phil's return.  
  
End Part 34  
  
Author's note: Poor Phil.  
  
Poor, Poor Phil. 


	35. Why Phil's Life Sucks: Chapter 4

Part 35  
  
Why Phil's Life Sucks  
  
Chapter 4  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: Does anybody actually read these anymore? We all know what I'm going to say.  
  
Universe FC-1  
  
Sol System, Io  
  
Princess Io's Palace  
  
8,000 B.C.  
  
About five days after Part 34  
  
Phil was pissed.  
  
Not that this was a particularly odd state of mind for her to be in. After all, recent events had pushed her life from "man, this kind of sucks," to "I think I'll put a gun to my head after I have wrought vengeance upon those who have wronged me."  
  
The most recent indignity was being grounded. That's right; having just saved Sailor Jupiter from almost certain execution at the hands of Queen Serenity, Io had been GROUNDED for abandoning her post to go to Pluto, with her objective being the Time Gate. Phil thought that was funny, considering most people would feel, oh say, maybe, GRATITUDE towards the person who had saved their lives. Now, it was beginning to look as if Phil would never get home.  
  
So, Phil was currently releasing some steam. A quick scan of Io's memories had revealed that the palace sported a rather advanced security systems, with layers of protection ranging from armed guards to massive, Mobile-Suit like androids. So, Phil had activated the entire contingent of twenty robots and was currently smashing them. It had taken some doing, considering that the robots were specifically programmed to never attack Io, no matter what orders they received. According to Io, this was to ensure that no assassins reprogrammed them, which Phil thought made some sense. Phil had found out that one had self destructed rather than defend itself from a Chi bolt.  
  
So, Phil had used the "Io Disguise Pen," which Io said that every Senshi was issued, (which led her to wonder why Sailor Moon was the only one to possess one in the future) to alter her clothing and appearance sufficiently to not activate the failsafe. Now, she sported short raven hair, was slightly shorter and was dressed in what appeared to be Juraian battle armor.  
  
Phil had considered the potential international incident should any guard notice a Juraian tearing apart the Palace's security. And decided that she didn't particularly care. Besides, Phil noted that she had no guarantee that the Juraian Empire even existed at this point in history. She suspected that they did, but couldn't confirm it.  
  
Phil's musings were interrupted as the humanoid robot fired a pair of missiles at her. She cupped her hands. "Ka... me... ha... me... ha!" The blue blast of energy flew out, incinerating one missile and continuing onwards to consume the droid. Phil backhanded the second warhead, sending it flying into a nearby wall. It exploded in a fireball that shook the building. "Heh. Good thing I dismissed the servants, eh roomie?"  
  
Io looked in horror at the destruction that was once again spreading across her home. "Please stop! Have some decency, for God's sakes!"  
  
"I think not. When the Imperium falls in a few years, none of this will survive anyways."  
  
"Will you stop talking about that!? You haven't proven that's going to happen yet?"  
  
Phil smirked. "Io, you can read my memories as well as I can read yours. You know what I know, and we both know that your little Moon Kingdom is as transitory as anything else." Io had no response. Phil looked about. "What? No more targets? Darn!"  
  
She was thrown back as a round from an autocannon caught her across the face. "Owch! My nobe!" She gingerly touched it, and recoiled quickly as pain spread across the appendage. "Aw crab! I'm nob ad invulnerable as I thoubt. Stubib machine!" She zipped in at high speeds, and then chopped the android in half. "There. All bedder."  
  
Io shook her head. "Are you quite finished yet?"  
  
Phil snorted in some of the blood, and deactivated the magical disguise. "Yes." She punched a wall, causing it to collapse. "Ah. Nothing like a little exercise to clear the mind. I feel a lot better."  
  
Io was almost crying. Almost, because she was becoming more used to Phil's complete disregard for property.  
  
* *  
  
Meanwhile, in a dark palace in an undisclosed location...  
  
Queen Beryl was happy.  
  
Well, perhaps not happy, per se. You see, when one sells one's soul to an all powerful entity like Metallia, one looses the ability to be happy. One can reach a state of pure, sadistic pleasure, but that's as good as it gets.  
  
So, Queen Beryl was pleased with how events were shaping up. Which was better than the thoroughly depressed state that she had been in since striking her deal with the aforementioned entity. For one thing, Metallia had just given her the authority to call herself "Queen." Also, her evil scheme was coming together. "At last. I shall be united with my true love!" She was referring, of course, to Prince Endimyon, AKA Tuxedo Mask.  
  
That's right; Beryl's betrayal, which would cause the collapse of the Silver Imperium, was brought about because she felt unrequited love towards Tux-Boy. You've heard of Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships? Here is Prince Endimyon of Earth, the idiot that caused the collapse of an entire civilization. This kind of blows Helen out of the water.  
  
But anyways, Beryl's Youma Generals were preparing to strike. (Author's note: At this point, Nephrite, Kunzite, Zoicite and Jadeite hadn't been turned to the dark side yet, so she had to have had other underlings before they were converted).  
  
She waved her hand, causing a crystal to become translucent. Inside was the image of a man. Although his image was about three inches tall, the man was really a giant of about seven feet tall. The man was the picture of savagery; across his back lay a gigantic broadsword that was nearly as tall as he was. A normal man couldn't have budged the blade, but Metallia had assured her that his physical strength was greater than any to be found in the Solar System. His long, red hair ran in untamed streams along his back and chest. He was currently in a kneeling position. "What is thy bidding, my master?"  
  
"Rise, Morgen." He did so. "How goes your invasion?"  
  
"Your Majesty, we are in position to begin our assault. The plan is to strike simultaneously at several minor moons. Specifically Galileo, Io and Europa. These worlds are an important link in the Moon Kingdom's communications and transportation lines. If we can take them, we'll cripple their abilities to communicate between worlds, and, as the Outer Senshi lack any transports, they will be unable to move in to support their comrades. In fact, they won't even know that anything is awry until it is too late to act. Heute and Gestern will then initiate a campaign against Mercury, with the objective being to sabotage and disrupt the actions of the shipyards there, and Venus, in order to keep the large contingent of conventional troops stationed there occupied. Once these planets fall, we can follow up with a blitzkrieg against the Imperial Palace itself."  
  
Beryl nodded. "A sound plan." That was true; these youma were the cream of Metallia's crop; as opposed to the large number of mindless minions that would actually assault the planets, Morgen, Gestern and Heute were each capable of independent thought and were decent tacticians. Although personally, Beryl thought that the plan lacked a certain... pizzazz. However, Metallia seemed to have confidence in her subordinates, which was good enough for Beryl. "Begin the invasion."  
  
"Yes, My Queen." The image faded.  
  
Beryl began cackling loudly. After several moments, she began coughing and finally stopped. "Ahem. I suppose I need to practice my maniacal laughter."  
  
Ah, the burdens of the Super Villain.  
  
* *  
  
Phil was currently lying down on a lawn chair. In her right hand was a book, and in the other was the Ioan equivalent of lemonade. Io loved the stuff, but Phil thought that it tasted too much like grapefruit, so she was sure to mentally distance herself from their sense of taste.  
  
Phil read out loud. "And the fuzzy pink bunnies lived happily ever after. I thought you said that this was a HORROR story."  
  
Io responded, "It is! I mean, when the evil Gray Fox of Evil attacks the fuzzy pink bunnies..."  
  
Phil tossed the novel into the air and vaporized it with an energy blast. "Pheh. What do I expect from a society like the Moon Kingdom? I mean, sure, it isn't as bad as Crystal Tokyo, where all independent thought is eliminated, but the average person has had their violent tendencies significantly curtailed. What I need is some ACTION!" There was an ominous peal of thunder in the distance, despite the fact that it was a bright, sunny day. Phil's eyes widened, and she slapped her hand over her mouth. "D'oh! Why do I always have to leave Bobcat an opening? Why?"  
  
(Because this fic would be as boring as "The Cuddly Wuddly Bunnies go to Mars" if you didn't.)  
  
Phil nodded. "Point taken." That was when Phil saw them. From the heavens came massive spaceships, each about three hundred meters in length. They where in a tubular shape, with three maneuvering vanes on what looked to be the left and right of the craft. Phil began counting, and came up with around forty. Phil tensed. "Crap! This must be Beryl's invasion force!"  
  
"Beryl's what?"  
  
"Io, Queen Beryl is making her grab for power! We need to get out of here!" Phil powered up and they quickly flew away from the invasion force. Only to find that there were similar craft landing around the palace. Phil had never realized just how large the attack force was. "Hey, it's almost as if they have an actual battle plan! OK, gotta think. Gotta think!" Suddenly, the craft began disgorging troops. Taking out a pair of binoculars, Phil saw the invaders and almost laughed. Each was vaguely female, but were oddly... off. They almost looked human, but there was something just ever so slightly wrong about them.  
  
"Youma. Basic youma! We just might have a chance, Io!" Phil grinned evilly. "Each one of those things is about as dangerous as an alligator, and about as half as smart. For an unarmed person, sure, they're death incarnate." The shimmering aura of the Mystical Powerup surrounded them. "For someone who is capable of destroying planets... well, they're just minor irritations."  
  
* *  
  
In orbit above Io  
  
Flagship Vanquisher  
  
Youma General Morgen didn't care much for his Flagship. Primarily, because only two things separated it from the standard landing craft; the addition of some technology smuggled in from the Galactic Republic, and Morgen had purposely commandeered the best officers, gunners and technicians to operate his ship.  
  
The former gave him a minimal edge over the basic landing craft. The Vanquisher mounted a single turbolaser, and a pair of turreted blaster cannons. The particle shield generator that the ship mounted gave it a slightly better than average chance of surviving a hit from the basic armaments of the Imperium's Battle cruisers. However, this was the best that Beryl's army could get, and he had jumped at the opportunity.  
  
As for the crew, the best of the best of Beryl's military weren't terribly impressive. In fact, all that he had really managed to do was to ensure that none of his half-witted youma brethren were in charge of anything more important than janitorial duties. He sighed. He sometimes wondered why the Queen and his true master, Metallia, even bothered with the semi-human creatures.  
  
However, at the moment, he had other things to worry about. General Morgen considered the battle transpiring on the surface. He grinned arrogantly. "These Imperial fools. This planet is virtually unguarded! We haven't even encountered the security droids my reports mentioned!" He pressed a few buttons on his display, zooming in on a few important areas. A few ground troops had managed to respond in time to get into fortified positions. Morgen ordered the youma away from those areas. He grinned as infantry and a few battered combat vehicles left their defensive positions. "This is incredible! Those tanks look as if they are coated more in rust than steel! All of the vehicles and weapons are ancient and outdated, the troops are listed as being of green experience and they have no artillery support. AND they've left their trenches to engage an enemy superior in numbers and experience in a head on conflict!" The Youma General chuckled. "It's like they want Beryl to win!"  
  
One of the bridge crew rushed up to him. Unlike the ground troops, the pilots of the ships were humans who had decided to throw in with Beryl. He saluted. "Sir, you should see this! We've picked up a massive Chi spike at coordinates beta sigma three niner."  
  
The Youma looked at the readout. His eyes practically bulged out of their sockets. "This... this must be incorrect! None of the Senshi are this strong!"  
  
"Sir, perhaps they've hired mercenaries from beyond the Solar System? I've heard rumors of races like the Saiyans with beings of this power level."  
  
Morgen snorted disdainfully. "Not likely. The Imperium is hardly able to communicate with other solar systems, much less negotiate contracts with them. No, I'd say that this is some unknown factor." He weighed his options, and decided upon a course of action. "Order battle group Alpha to engage the energy source. Gather whatever data you can about this threat. Ready my transport. I think that I'll be dealing with the situation... personally."  
  
The deck officer gulped nervously as he saw the General's savage grin.  
  
* *  
  
Phil was tearing through the youma army with ease. In fact, at the moment, she had taken one of the creatures, which was shaped like a beach ball, and had begun singing a merry tune while bouncing it. In fact, Phil was bouncing it into the other youma, knocking several of them down and shattering the more brittle demons. Many begged for mercy with their limited vocabulary, and others simply screamed in pain.  
  
All the while, Phil sang,  
  
"Oh, This is the way we bounce the ball,  
  
bounce the ball,  
  
bounce the ball.  
  
This is the way we bounce the ball,  
  
so early in the morning!"  
  
Io was once again convinced that, in her next life, she was completely and utterly insane.  
  
Phil, growing bored with the ball-youma, vaporized it with a Dragon Blast. Although the attack was incredibly weak, since it was designed for show, the youma was instantly disintegrated. Phil snorted. "I want a challenge! This is way too easy. I wish that there was something closer to my level!"  
  
A deep, masculine voice whispered in her ear, "Be careful what you wish for."  
  
"D'oh!" Phil slowly turned about and Io nearly swooned. There before her was a man with good looks and a musculature to surpass that of various bodybuilders. Phil groaned. "Focus, Io. He's obviously a Youma." Phil summoned a Chi bolt. She grinned arrogantly. "I'll bet you squish as easy as the rest of them."  
  
He grinned. It was the same egotistical grin that was plastered upon her own face. "Want to bet?" The ball of yellow energy flew out. At the last moment, with a speed that Phil could barely track, the large broadsword lashed out, deflecting the Chi ball into a nearby contingent of youma. He ignored their screams as he focused his attention back on his opponent. He furrowed his brow for a moment. "My, you are a strong one, aren't you? No match for me, but, what can you expect?"  
  
Phil was making a similar scan of her adversary. "What are you? You're a manna based being, yet you have great speed and strength... way beyond any human of your level."  
  
"Where are my manners? I am Morgen, commanding General of the armies of Queen Beryl."  
  
"Hmmm. I don't remember you. I guess that means that your fate is painfully obvious."  
  
He ignored that seemingly nonsensical phrase. "It is almost a shame to destroy something of such great beauty, but alas, I do it for the Queen. Unless, of course, you feel like joining us?  
  
"  
  
"Fat chance. I prefer the winning side." She silently added, "Yeah, my side!"  
  
He assumed a fighting stance, brandishing the sword. "Then you shall die." He struck out with a right kick, catching Phil across the face. The Physics Police officer flew several feet backwards. "And now to finish you!" Morgen leapt into the air towards Phil. He lashed out, intending to decapitate the Sailor Senshi where she stood.  
  
Casually, Phil caught the blade between her fingers. "What? How is this possible?"  
  
She grinned. "You see, Morgen, the Mystical Powerup gives me greater strength than you, greater magic potential than you and I'm smarter than you to start with. You caught me by surprise before. I'd been conserving my energy to deal with your little Youma army. Quite pathetic, actually."  
  
"Bu-but nothing can survive this blade! Its magical properties..."  
  
"Are nothing compared to my Chi powers. Now you die." Lifting him by the collar, Phil summoned a yellow ball of energy. "Pull!" As Phil threw Morgen into the air, she fired a powerful Chi blast. "Mouko Takabishi*!" Powered by Phil's ego, the Chi bolt reduced the Youma General to his component atoms. She casually blew a puff of smoke from her fingers.  
  
All around her, the Youma began to scream in pain. Several collapsed to the ground, and they were converted into piles of dust. "Hmm. Looks like they can't survive without their General. Cool. I just saved Io, and quite possibly, the Moon Kingdom itself." Phil's eyes widened as he realized what she had just said. "D'oh! I wasn't SUPPOSED to save the Moon Kingdom! I've just thrown the time stream way out of whack!"  
  
* *  
  
Once again, on Pluto, Sailor Pluto was forced to deal with random shifts in the timeline. However, this time, she was pleasantly surprised. "So, perhaps the Moon Kingdom doesn't fall?" She said it so desperately, hoping against all hope that she was right.  
  
Sailor Pluto is really somebody you have to sympathize with. Nobody is allowed near the Time Gates that she is sworn to protect. She isn't allowed to contact anybody on the outside world, lest she cause massive ruptures in the timeline with a casual phrase. She can see the future, past and present with equal clarity. So, she obviously foresaw the fall of the Silver Imperium. She could see when it would happen, who would do it, why they would do it and how they would do it. Yet, she couldn't communicate, so she had to shoulder the burden of her knowledge.  
  
Now, with this change, she hoped that it would have sufficient effect to alter that outcome. She checked the other Youma armies. Specifically, the army under the control of General Gestern. And she saw it being ripped apart in the midst of a gigantic hurricane.  
  
Pluto blinked. "This is odd. Galileo is known for its mild weather patterns, thanks to the devices they Galileans had designed for controlling weather. What could be causing this?"  
  
* *  
  
Meanwhile, on Galileo:  
  
"Tag, you idiot! First you manage to get us banned from planet Vegeta for our failure..."**  
  
"Hey, it isn't my fault your story didn't work!"  
  
Bink continued his diatribe. "But now look what you've done! Queen Beryl hired us to take this Weather Control Station, and we did. But you just had to mess it up! I specifically said to you `Don't touch that button!' `You don't know what that button does,' I said. But noooooooo. You just HAD to press that button!"  
  
"Look, I'm really sorry! How was I supposed to know that it was the hurricane button?"  
  
"Tell that to Beryl! She's going to have our heads!"  
  
"Well, we still got half of our fee up front. We could just get out of this cesspool that they claim is a solar system." He held up a fairly thick stack of bills.  
  
"Lemme see that... you idiot! This is Lunarian money!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"It's worthless outside of this system!"  
  
"Well, Bink, we can always go exchange it for some real currency."  
  
"And where exactly do you plan to do that?"  
  
Tag considered. "Well, offhand, I'd say we could give that bank across the street a try." On the other side of the street was, as Tag indicated, a building with the sign "First Galilean Bank."  
  
Bink sweatdropped. "OK."  
  
* *  
  
"Excuse me? You want to what?" The bank teller was decidedly nervous. For one thing, it was his first day on the job. For another, his planet had been invaded by evil youma and there was a massive hurricane raging a few miles away. Then, these Saiyan warriors, dressed in full battle garb, had come in with a stack of bills.  
  
Bink was somewhat peeved. He repeated himself. "I said, I would like to exchange this useless scrap you call money for some Galactic Republic Credits."  
  
"Uh, I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have any of that money."  
  
"Well, what do you have?"  
  
"Well, er, we have Martian currency, Jupiterian currency..."  
  
Bink slammed his fist into the table, shattering it into a thousand pieces. "I don't want any of your local crap!"  
  
"Um, er... I could give it to you in Juraian."  
  
"Fine! We'll take it!"  
  
A moment later, Tag and Bink were discussing their situation. "Damn it all! This isn't enough to get us off planet, even if any of the space liner companies even CAME to this pathetic excuse for the boondocks!"  
  
Tag nodded. "Yeah, and we don't have our pods; we came in those transports." Neither Saiyan noticed that their actions were being observed. A man wearing granny style glasses was listening to them. "So here we are, a pair of Saiyan mercenaries, stranded in the middle of NOWHERE, no money, banished from our home world, with no prospects for gainful employment!"  
  
The man stood up. He walked over to the ranting aliens and tapped one on the shoulder. "I believe I may be able to help you. I need a couple of strong fighters to assist me with a little... project I've been working on."  
  
Bink regarded the stranger suspiciously. "Who are you?"  
  
He grinned. "The name is Kagato."  
  
End Part 35  
  
Author's note: for those wondering, this is the Tenchi Muyo, or OAV, version Kagato. Since both Tenchi Muyo and Tenchi Universe were part of the construction of FC-1, there are now two Kagatos running around.  
  
*Mouko Takabishi: it works on the same principle as the Shi Shi Houkou Dan, except instead of using rage and self pity, it uses self confidence. The only problem with it is that if you're losing, your self confidence goes down, so you lose the ability to summon it. Obviously, Phil doesn't feel up to this attack very often.  
  
** You'll notice, that at the end of part 33, I said that Baron Kura didn't kill them, and that they fought in many more battles. However, I never said that they fought FOR Kura. You probably just assumed that.  
  
Morgen: German for tomorrow.  
  
Gestern: German for yesterday.  
  
Heute: German for today. 


	36. It is the End of the Moon as We Know it ...

Part 36  
  
It is the End of the Moon as We Know it...  
  
And Phil's Feelin' Fine  
  
By Bobcat  
  
Disclaimer: If you can read this, you don't need glasses. Oh, and I didn't invent too many of these characters. Those that are mine... I like to think that they're pretty cool, so please; only use them with my permission, OK?  
  
  
  
Universe FC-1  
  
Earth's Moon, Sol System  
  
Throne Room, Imperial Palace  
  
8,000 B.C.  
  
Three Days after Part 35  
  
Phil's jaw dropped. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.  
  
Having saved Io from the ravages of Queen Beryl's Youma army, Phil had put a MAJOR monkey wrench into the workings of the space time continuum. According to Phil's admittedly sketchy knowledge of the incident, the Youma were supposed to have taken their objectives, and then moved in on the Moon. Using the power of the Silver Imperium Crystal, Queen Serenity would seemingly defeat the hordes of the Dark Kingdom. However, the defeat of the Youma would simply be an illusion cast by Beryl. Later, at a costume party thrown in celebration of the victory, Beryl's Generals would strike from the shadows, killing the Senshi and mortally wounding Queen Serenity. The reaction would remove the small measure of mind control from her subjects, who would enjoy total freedom for the rest of their lives. Which, admittedly, wouldn't be very long, once the terraformed planets of the Solar System lost their inhabitability. The Earth Kingdom, the Moon Kingdom's allies, for reasons unclear, would be forced back to the stone age by this event as well.  
  
  
  
Using the last of her energy, she would do a number of things simultaneously. First, she would seal Beryl and her generals with the magic of the Crystal. (The obvious question is, "If you have enough energy to seal them away, why not just kill them?) Then, she would ensure that all of her Senshi and most loyal subjects were reborn at an undetermined date. Finally, she split the Crystal into eight shards and set it so that they would be placed into eight human hosts at the proper time.  
  
Eventually, as the Sailor Senshi became more aware, the reverberations from their magical auras would awaken Beryl and her minions. However, Metallia would be robbed of all energy by the sealing, so Beryl's Youma would be responsible for gathering the life force of supposedly the greatest power source in the universe, young girls. (Author's note: When, in fact, they could have just started filling those energy absorbing crystals of theirs with common household electricity, but hey, what do I know?)  
  
Phil had mucked that up royally by managing to defeat one third of the Youma army for real. Then, somehow, another part of the Dark Kingdom's forces was ripped apart by a hurricane on Galileo. (Unbeknownst to Phil, but knownst to us, this was also Phil's fault. Tag and Bink were supposed to be successful in their mission to take Planet X. Queen Serenity, not wanting Lady Kalt to profit from the death of her subjects, set it up so that the planet would self destruct. Instead, Tag and Bink ended up working for Beryl with humorous... oops, I meant disastrous results.)  
  
So, when Phil was summoned to the Moon to attend a gala to commemorate this great victory, Phil suspected that Beryl lacked the forces necessary to pull of her surprise attack. Sure, the armies that attacked Europa had been successful, but Phil just didn't know how much of an effect her actions would have.  
  
She didn't, that is, until after an hour at the ball. That was when Phil was given a major shock to her system.  
  
Queen Serenity, still seated upon her throne, called everybody to attention. All conversation stopped immediately. The General that Phil had been conversing with was rather happy about this, since Phil had been harping him about the complete lack of military readiness on Io and the other planets of the Kingdom.  
  
Serenity spoke thusly: "Loyal subjects, I have called you here for three reasons. For one, to celebrate the defeat of the armies of the Dark Kingdom." She paused as a light round of polite applause filled the air.  
  
"Secondly, I wish to bestow a previously unheard of honor. Never in our history has a new post for a Senshi been created. However, the backup Senshi who is being awarded this honor has defended the Silver Imperium from not one, but two great threats. Although she failed in her first battle, I have it from a reliable source that not one of the Senshi could have defeated that threat. In her second battle, she fought off a full third of the Dark Kingdom's forces."  
  
Phil grew increasingly nervous as Serenity continued her speech.  
  
"Such brave actions deserve great reward. Thus, in my wisdom, I do hereby promote Sailor Io from Backup Senshi to Full Senshi!"  
  
For once, both Phil and Io were in full agreement. Both stood there with dazed expressions upon their face, and both let their jaw drop. She ran on full autopilot, as various nobles and dignitaries attempted to elevate their own standing by being the first to congratulate her. Sailor Jupiter looked upon her daughter with a look of obvious maternal pride upon her face.  
  
However, the biggest and most fateful surprise was still to come.  
  
"And finally, on to a more serious matter. As you know, the recent rebellion of the Dark Kingdom was brought about because certain members of the populace had too much free will. Hundreds of citizenry joined this revolution, which was almost a success! Steps must be taken to ensure the continued survival of the Moon Kingdom.  
  
"Of course, my Senshi, the upper class and the military require free thought, so they shall maintain it. Otherwise, the commoners having free will is asking for revolution. In light of this, I do hereby revoke the right of free will within the confines of the Silver Imperium!" Taking the Silver Imperium Crystal in her hand, Serenity furrowed her brow in concentration for several moments.  
  
After what seemed an eternity, she looked up again. "It is done." This time, the applause was much louder. It was fueled partially by support for the decision, and partially by their relief that they weren't affected. Luna nodded her head, a look of satisfaction upon her face. After all, it had been her plan.  
  
Phil didn't know that it was anatomically possible to further drop her jaw, but apparently it was. She immediately noticed that several of the servants had a happy, glazed over look on their faces. A few minutes before, they had been fully functioning human beings. Now, they were two dimensional versions of their former selves, each without a care in the world. "This... this isn't right!"  
  
As the applause came to a sudden halt, Phil realized that she had put a bit more volume behind her statement that she had intended to.  
  
Serenity was livid. "I give you a great honor, and this is how you reward me? With dissension?"  
  
Io attempted to settle it diplomatically. "Y-you're majesty..."  
  
Phil slapped herself across the face, drawing several odd looks from the audience. "Stuff it, Io!" Using all of her will, she rendered her "roommate" unconscious. Phil glared hatefully at Serenity. "Undo what you just did. Now."  
  
Serenity's anger elevated to previously unheard of levels. "You would order ME!?"  
  
Phil instinctively powered up. "Yes, Serenity, I would."  
  
Jupiter grabbed her daughter's arm. "Io, what do you think you're doing?"  
  
"Back off." With an almost casual motion of her arm, Phil sent the Senshi of Jupiter flying. She went back to her staring contest with Serenity. "I said, undo what you just did."  
  
Serenity accessed the power of the Crystal, peeling back the layers of Io's mind. "What is this? You are not Io!"  
  
Phil nodded. She decided to play all of her cards. "Indeed." The air around her began shimmering as the energies of the Mystical Powerup surrounded her. "I am Phil, of the Physics Police. I have seen many monsters in my day, but lady, you take the cake. You, who would rob billions of the most basic of rights, the right to freedom of thought? I SAY NAY! In the name of John Locke, I will punish you!"  
  
Off to the side, Princess Serena took out a pad of paper. "I will punish you? I'll have to write that one down."  
  
Serenity sensed the power of this newcomer, and realized that she was far beyond any one of the Sailor Senshi. "Senshi! Destroy this traitor!"  
  
Jupiter was enraged at the thought of her own daughter taken by this demon named Phil. She concentrated, and lightning played between her fingers, quickly forming a sledgehammer. "Get out of my daughter's body, foul demon!"  
  
"I would if I could, but I can't."  
  
Jupiter paused for a moment, considering this. If the demon was unable to leave, then... her daughter would never be returned to her. A tear ran down her cheek, as she realized that she would be forced to slay her own flesh and blood to rid the Moon Kingdom of that dark influence. The other Senshi formed a circle about her and voiced similar sentiments. The nobles and servants fled to safety.  
  
"OK, the odds are... one, two three... seven to one. That doesn't seem particularly sporting. I guess I'll have to put a hand behind my back."**  
  
They attacked as one. Phil became nervous as she realized that she wasn't familiar with any of these attacks. She also sensed far greater manna going into each assault than any of the future Senshi could put out.  
  
"Mercury Ice Storm!" Shards of ice flew out.  
  
"Venus Heart Breaker!" A string of gigantic hearts composed of energy were sent out.  
  
"Mars Inferno Blast!" A wave of flame flew towards Phil.  
  
Jupiter swung her hammer, sending a barrage of lightning bolts at Phil. "Mjollnir's Fury!"  
  
"Silence Wave!" Sailor Saturn fired a wide wave of black energy.  
  
"Annihilation Wave!" Uranus's attack was similar to Saturn's, except yellow.  
  
Sailor Neptune was the last. She held in her hand a golden triton. From it issued a circular bolt of energy. "Neptune Flash!"  
  
As the attacks converged, there was a massive explosion. The Senshi were thrown off of their feet. Serenity, shielded by the Crystal, was unaffected. A thick haze filled the air, obscuring all details.  
  
Mercury peered into the dust cloud. There was no sign of Sailor Io. "Did we vaporize her?"  
  
She never noticed the traitorous Senshi appear behind her. Phil punched her in the back of the head and she fell to the ground with a thud. "Not quite."  
  
Mars saw the shadow standing over Sailor Mercury's fallen form and attacked. "Mars Burning Mandala!" Red circles of flame flew out. Phil faded away just before the fire caught her. "What?"  
  
Fading away once again, Mars found herself in a full Nelson. Phil grinned savagely. "Hmmm. Going back to more basic attacks, are we? I guess that attack really drained you."  
  
The raven haired Senshi attempted to fight back, but found herself completely incapacitated. "How are you doing this?"  
  
"I'm thousands of times faster and stronger than any of you. Care to go for a ride?" Before Mars could respond, Phil sent her flying. By this time, the smoke had cleared enough for the Senshi to establish line of sight with their targets. "Venus Love Me Chain!" The attack was intercepted by the unconscious form of Sailor Mars. Sailor Venus fell to the ground as her ally flew into her.  
  
Jupiter sent another barrage of lightning bolts at Phil. This time, Phil wasn't quick enough to dodge the attack. Her cry of pain filled the air as a million volts of electricity passed through her body. She fell to one knee and fought to remain conscious.  
  
Uranus and Neptune didn't give her a chance to recover. "Earth Shaking!"  
  
"Deep Submerge!"  
  
The gold and blue energy balls slammed into Phil, sending her flying through a wall. She coughed, and attempted to get back on her feet.  
  
Phil assessed her situation. "OK, obviously they all put most of their strength into the first blast. Had I still been at ground zero, I'd be dead right now. Thank God for the Instant Transmission. Even if they are forced to use more basic attacks, they have more power when fighting together then I do. I'll have to strike hard, and quickly, without any warning." She cupped her hands, and began to draw Chi for an attack. In a mocking tone she said, "Heeeeeere, target target target."  
  
Sailor Saturn obliged her as she ran through the hole in the wall. She saw the bright blue aura surrounding Phil, and realized that it hadn't been a very bright idea to come barging towards a foe as strong as Phil. "Oops."  
  
"Kamehameha!" The blue energy wave caught Saturn dead center. When she became visible again, the Senshi of Death and Rebirth was significantly crispier than she had been at the start. She collapsed in a heap. Phil nodded. "Very good. The most powerful one is down. That means that there are three left." Phil powered up and flew through the hole that she had made before. Unfortunately, she made much the same mistake that Saturn had. Sailor Jupiter was waiting for her.  
  
Jupiter glared hatefully at the person who had been her daughter. "Mjollnir's Fury!" The electric hammer lashed out, catching Phil across the face. Once again, electricity coursed through her body. This time, Phil didn't go flying. She fell to the ground in a crouching position and kicked Jupiter's feet out from under her. While she was still in freefall, Phil righted herself and caught her torso with an uppercut, followed by a jab to the face. Finally, the Senshi of Jupiter could take no more. She fell to the ground with an audible "whump."  
  
"Earth Shaking!"  
  
"Deep Submerge!"  
  
The balls of energy flew towards Phil once again. However, Phil was on guard. The Deep Submerge was knocked away like a volleyball, while the yellow ball was sidestepped. Phil grinned. "Payback's an ass, no?" She disappeared in a flash, and then rematerialized between the shocked Outer Senshi and administered a Vulcan Neck Pinch.  
  
As Uranus and Neptune collapsed, Phil turned to face Serenity. "Now, are you going to give the nice people their minds back, or not?"  
  
Serenity was completely and utterly confused. During the entire battle, she had been attempting to exorcize poor Io. However, no matter how she tried, the Crystal kept responding that it was unable to harm the Senshi in, quote, "any way, shape or form." She had no idea what that meant.*** After all, that couldn't possibly apply to this demon. She glared at Phil. "No! They are my subjects, and I shall do as I will with them!"  
  
The venom in Phil's eyes intensified. "You speak of billions of human beings as if they were toys. You nobles. You're raised to think of the "peasants" as tools for your own advancement. In your own way, you're more evil than Metallia. This ends now." Phil faded away again, and then reappeared next to Queen Serenity. She grabbed the Crystal. "Yoink!"  
  
Suddenly, Phil felt as if she was having (another) out of body experience. Her senses were absorbed completely as she interfaced with the Silver Imperium Crystal. She didn't know if this is what happened every time Usagi or GoChibi accessed the Crystal, but it was as if she was joining with something greater than herself.  
  
And then she "heard" a voice. Actually, she didn't so much hear it, as much as she "thought" it. It was all in her head. "Please input task." Phil, attempting to sort through the sensory overload, didn't respond. It repeated itself. "Please input task."  
  
"Task?"  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"Give the people their minds back!"  
  
The oddly computer like voice said, "Processing... error. Unable to perform function, as I do not have physical possession of their minds."  
  
Phil thought. "Um, then..." She briefly wondered why magical artifacts always needed such specific wording. "Well, then, I wish you would put the Moon Kingdom back together, so that it was like it was before Serenity's last wish."  
  
"Processing... wish granted. Please input next task."  
  
"Er... I don't have a next task."  
  
"Severing mental link." With that, Phil found herself back in the physical plane. She found it hard to adjust to her normal state.  
  
Taking advantage of Phil's momentary confusion, Serenity snatched the magical artifact from Phil's hands. "I wish that you would undo whatever this traitor just did!"  
  
Somehow, Phil still possessed a small connection to the Crystal's consciousness. And for some odd reason, she could sense just the slightest hesitation on its part. However, since it was bound to perform whatever duties its registered user gave it, it said, "Wish granted."  
  
Phil had never heard anything more ominous.  
  
That was when the room began to shudder and shake. A few of the other Senshi were beginning to regain consciousness, and felt the vibrations. Mercury summoned her Mercury Computer and looked at the tiny laptop's sensors. And gasped. "This... this is impossible! The entire Kingdom is... collapsing!"  
  
Jupiter was roused from her drowsiness by this statement. "What!?"  
  
Mercury nodded. "It's as if some cosmic power just cut the support out from under the whole Kingdom! The Moon is rapidly losing its atmosphere. We have ten minutes at best until we die of asphyxiation as the terraforming of this planet fails!"  
  
Jupiter was shocked. The Moon Kingdom, which she had spent so long fighting and killing for, was dieing. And she couldn't do a thing about it. She glared at Phil. "You monster! Mjollnir's Fur... oof!"  
  
As the Senshi of Jupiter bent in half over Phil's fist, she snorted. "Unlike those Youma, I'm not stupid enough to let you get off one of your attacks if I can help it."  
  
The brunette looked up at Phil with pure venom in her eyes. "You... traitor! As of today, I have no daughter!"  
  
"Don't be too harsh. I ain't Io." As Jupiter went back to dreamland, Phil turned to face Serenity. Phil faded out of existence, grabbed the Crystal, and got back to her starting place in the time that it took the various Senshi to blink thrice. She addressed those gathered there. "Alright folks, here's the 411. You are all officially dead. Don't worry, though. All of you, except for Queen Moron over here, will be reincarnated in ten thousand years. I'll be taking this little magical doodad, and I'll make sure that everything happens the way it's supposed to."  
  
Venus angrily pointed a finger at Phil. "You! You've destroyed the Moon Kingdom!"  
  
Phil chuckled. "Actually, it was Serenity and her bad wish that struck the killing blow. You see, what I did was that I wished that the universe was put back the way that it was before Serenity's interference. So, I gave the people back their individuality. However, the Ditz over here wished to undo that. What's the opposite of putting something together? Why, taking it apart, of course. So, the Crystal interpreted her wish as a desire to destroy the Kingdom. Not my fault; simply bad wording on your part."  
  
Phil gave Queen Serenity a smug grin. "Remember, Serenity; as each breath becomes more of an effort, it's all your doing. However, just for the sake of consistency, we'll say that it was a Youma attack that took place during a masquerade party. Now, goodbye, y'all. See ya in about ten thousand years!"  
  
Putting her middle and index finger to her head, Phil sought out the Chi signature of one of the mechanics in the docking bay.  
  
Said technician was rather surprised to see one of the Senshi teleport into the bay. He briefly considered mentioning it to his fellow mechanics, but decided against it. After all, the Senshi had all sorts of weird powers. Who was to say that they couldn't teleport? Also, none of the other techs were overly concerned about the event. If they weren't noticing it, why should he? He would just end up looking like a fool.  
  
The others thought much the same thing.****  
  
Phil briefly considered taking the Blue Heron, but decided against it. "After all, why take that when there are all sorts of other goodies to be had?" Keeping track of the time, she flew about the docking bay, looking for the best ship available.  
  
The technician from before didn't remember the Senshi ever flying before, but his thought process went along the path of "don't draw attention to yourself."  
  
Finally, her eyes rested upon a craft. It bore a resemblance to Queen Amidala's spaceship from Star Wars, with a sleek, rounded frame. However, unlike the other craft, this one was ludicrously well armed. It sported a pair of quad laser turrets on each wing, one on top, one on the bottom. On the nose were two torpedo tubes and what looked to be a fixed turbolaser battery. A quick scan of Io's memories identified it as the Queen's yacht. "I'll take it!"  
  
A few moments later, the large spacecraft was floating up on the waves of antigravity produced by its repulsorlifts. A moment after that, it was leaving the Moon's waning atmosphere.  
  
If sound was capable of traveling through space, the phrase, "To infinity, and beyond!" would have been heard issuing from the cockpit of the spaceship.  
  
  
  
Oh, and do I even need to mention that Sailor Pluto was attempting to find some stronger headache medication while cursing up a storm?  
  
End Part 36  
  
*John Locke: A Scottish born citizen of England. He wrote many essays during the early 1700's, including "Two Treatises on Government," advocating greater rights for the average person. His writings provided much of the inspiration for the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States. So, remember kids, stay in school!  
  
** But wait! you say. There are nine Senshi! Well, you see, Sailor Pluto was on Pluto at the time. The post of Sailor Moon wasn't even created until far in the future, when Luna, operating on faulty memories and even faultier assumptions, didn't realize that Usagi was the moon princess. Luna was drawn to her for reasons that she didn't understand. So, she simply assumed that there had been a Sailor Moon and made her a transformation pen.  
  
***Heh heh. Good old semantics.  
  
**** Ah. Good old herd mentality. 


	37. Heeere’s Kagato!

Part 37  
  
Heeere's Kagato!  
  
By BobCat  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't invent DBZ, Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon or Ranma ½.  
  
Also, from this point onward, all sentences in parentheses will be direct author's notes or commentary.  
  
(Hey everyone; the no prize for the origin of Tag and Bink is still unclaimed! Here is a hint; it was a Sci-fi comic book series. Name the name of the comic book series, or the name of the universe they came from.)  
  
Universe FC-1  
  
Inbound for Earth, Sol System  
  
Aboard the late Queen Serenity's Space Yacht  
  
8,000 B.C.  
  
Phil was happy.  
  
A casual observer would think that this was very odd. After all, looking at her recent actions, one would think that she should be at least SLIGHTLY repentant.  
  
First, she had destroyed Planet X, and its 50 million inhabitants.  
  
Admittedly, Phil felt sort of bad about that. However, she acknowledged that Planet X wasn't supposed to exist in the future, so all that she had done was to ensure the timeline. Also, it was all Tag's fault. If he hadn't somehow deflected a massive Chi blast that should have vaporized him on the spot, the planet would still be intact.  
  
However, this paled in comparison to the destruction of the Moon Kingdom.  
  
Phil didn't feel the slightest bit bad about that. For one thing, it was Serenity's fault. After all, SHE was the one who had decided to get all imperial and remove the free thought of her citizens. It was her duty as a decent human being, to stop that.  
  
The fact that she got to beat up the Sailor Senshi in the process was just doing her duty. Besides, as a Physics Police Officer, she was guaranteed the right to free speech, at least by the Physics Police Code of Laws. She had been fully within her rights when she had demanded Serenity undo what she had done. It was the Senshi who were breaking the law by assaulting an officer of the Physics Police. She obviously got no enjoyment from the process.  
  
(Uh huh. And the pigs will spontaneously generate wings and migrate to Canada.)  
  
On some level, Phil realized that if she had simply wished for an undo of what Serenity had done, none of this would have happened. However, it was Serenity who had barged in without checking to see what Phil had done and asked for an undo.  
  
And besides, the Moon Kingdom was supposed to collapse. So, in other words, everything was as it was supposed to be.  
  
Not that Phil particularly mourned its passing.  
  
Io, in the back of Phil's mind was regaining consciousness. "Ouch. What a headache. Where are we?"  
  
Phil nonchalantly said, "Oh, we're flying in the Queen's Yacht towards Earth."  
  
"Oh that's nice." (Io was still kind of out of it. Phil had done a very thorough job of knocking her out.) "What happened while I was out?"  
  
"Oh, nothing important. The Moon Kingdom is gone, we have the Silver Imperium Crystal, and we're probably going to crash at very high velocity."  
  
"Oh. That's all." Suddenly the phrase, "The Moon Kingdom is gone," penetrated her mental fog. Briefly taking control of her body, Io performed a double take that would have left Tex Avery green with envy. "The WHAT is gone!?"  
  
Phil sighed. "Well, you see, that's what happens when the Queen is a moron. If you want to find out exactly what happened, scan my memories. I wouldn't suggest it, though; you might not like the consequences."  
  
"O...K. Well, then why do we have the Crystal?"  
  
"Again, the facts may not be to your liking. Suffice to say, we are now in possession of the single greatest power in this part of the galaxy."  
  
"So we can bring them back!"  
  
"Not quite."  
  
"Why the hell not!?"  
  
Phil talked to her in the manner that one would talk to a difficult toddler. "Well, you see, the changes that the Crystal makes require energy. And where, you might enquire, does this energy come from? The user. It is vampiric in nature. The bigger the change, the more energy required. Heck, that wish to put everything right that I made all but wiped out our manna reserves! If I were to attempt something as big as bringing back billions of lives, rebuilding entire ecosystems and reestablishing terraforming on not one, but forty planets and moons, it would suck us dry, and it still wouldn't be enough. I'm sorry, but the Moon Kingdom is dead for another ten thousand years."  
  
Io nodded their head. It made sense, in a way. Then she remembered something. "What's that about us crashing?"  
  
Phil had a very sheepish expression on her face. "Well, you see, I chose this ship because it looked like it was top of the line. However, something this big and complicated requires a large crew. Taking off isn't terribly hard. Landing is going to be rather difficult, considering that we need a) a person to pilot the ship, b) a copilot and c) a sensor operator. We are two untrained individuals in one body. We don't qualify. Also, this thing doesn't have an autopilot. So, I've hit the repulsorlifts, angled up our nose, put the ion engines in reverse, powered us up and started praying like mad. It's out of our hands."  
  
Io started sweating. "And how long 'till we land?"  
  
Phil was going to say, "Any second now," but her prediction proved to be quite accurate.  
  
With an audible crunch, followed by the screech of protesting metal. Phil was thrown against the restraining harness and felt pain as her teeth ground against each other. The lighting systems cut out for a few moments, then returned with a red gleam as the emergency lights came back to life.  
  
Io's headache intensified and Phil felt as if her head was attempting mitosis.* Phil attempted to remain conscious, but, with the pain in her head, decided that oblivion wouldn't be such a bad thing.  
  
* * *  
  
In orbit above the Moon:  
  
Jadeite's eyes widened. Formerly a general in the Moon Kingdom's armies, he had recently been turned by Queen Beryl to fill the role formerly occupied by the Youma Generals. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.  
  
According to his sensors, the Imperial Palace had been replaced by ruins. He had been instructed to lead a surprise attack against the partying Moon Kingdom. In the back of his mind, his true self was attempting to fight this demon that inhabited his form. After all, he didn't particularly relish the idea of destroying his former allies.  
  
Jadeite had to grin at this. The poor fool didn't even realize that a demon wasn't possessing him. Beryl had simply unlocked his darker tendencies, which had taken on a life of its own.  
  
However, he went back to his musings. On the one hand, he wondered who had come in and done the job for him. On the other, he realized that it really didn't matter. After all, he had roughly a third of the forces that he felt necessary to accomplish the job, so this was a godsend. All he had to do was to take the credit.  
  
He chuckled. Yes, he would tell of the glorious battle, how he and his army had destroyed the Senshi one by one, and then finished with their Queen. The Silver Imperium Crystal wasn't to be found (after all, he would need to explain why he hadn't brought it back), and was presumably destroyed or very well hidden.  
  
He grinned. "Yes. That shall do nicely." He then began cackling in what was known as "Standard Evil Villain Laugh Number Four."  
  
(Is it just my imagination, or do all of Phil's actions necessitate the bad guys lying to their bosses?)  
  
* * *  
  
For several minutes, Phil knew two things; pain and darkness.  
  
The former could be ignored. After all, the intense training that Phil had put herself through over her lifetime was enough that being able to block pain was a necessity.  
  
The latter could be solved through the proper application of eyelids.  
  
Opening her eyes, Phil looked at the area around her, and cursed. "Damn. It wasn't a nightmare." Realizing this, Phil decided to lapse back into unconsciousness in the hope that when she reawakened it would turn out everything was OK.  
  
A few hours later, she found out that it didn't work.  
  
Phil took stock of her situation. Patting herself down quickly, she determined that all major limbs were present and accounted for. There was a diagonal depression going from her left hip to her right shoulder where the restraining harness had bit into her skin. Rubbing her hand against her mouth, she came back with a small amount of blood, and she felt like she had bit her tongue. Her teeth ached, but she figured that would pass in time.  
  
A few moments later, Phil was outside. Io was attempting to avoid a nervous breakdown. Phil exhaled deeply, calming them both. "OK. I need a plan. Randomly running around won't do me any good. First priority is to make sure that the timeline is maintained." Pulling out the Crystal, she made her wish. "OK, I wish that all of the Sailor Senshi and any other people that Serenity would have preserved be reincarnated in about ten thousand years."  
  
The Crystal responded, "Wish Granted."  
  
Now for the tricky part. "I wish that the forces of the Dark Kingdom be sealed away for the same amount of time."  
  
"Wish Granted."  
  
Phil nodded. "Now, for my final task, I wish that you would separate yourself into eight fragments. Each fragment will be incorporated into a human host in ten thousand years."  
  
"Wish Granted." With that, the Crystal broke into eight parts. Each one was a different color of the rainbow. After floating there for a moment, they levitated into the air and flew out in different dimensions. Phil noted that their pattern of movement was very similar to that of the Dragon Balls.  
  
Phil nodded. "There. Done and done. I've saved the space time continuum. Again. Now, a little nap would... be... nice..." In a rather undignified fashion, she slumped to the ground and fell asleep. After all, the Crystal took energy, and what she had asked for required large amounts of it.  
  
* * *  
  
Three Days Later:  
  
Throughout the mountain valley, a cheerful melody filled the air.  
  
"I love to go,  
  
a wandering,  
  
across the mountain trail,  
  
and as I go,  
  
I laugh and sing,  
  
a knapsack on my back.  
  
Valderee,  
  
Valderah,  
  
Valderee,  
  
Valderah ha ha ha ha ha *oof!*" Phil punched herself in the stomach to silence her roommate.  
  
Phil groaned. "For the last time, stop singing that damn song!"  
  
Io protested. "Hey! That's a nice, cheerful song!"  
  
"Exactly." Phil was in a foul mood. Being stranded in the past, in the body of the Sailor Senshi, stuck being schizophrenic with a personality that couldn't carry a tune in a bucket made Phil crabby.  
  
Also, she had realized that she had thrown away her one ticket home. The Crystal could have opened up a wormhole to the future, or at least separated Phil from his alter ego. All in all, she had goofed it.  
  
After several minutes of uncomfortable silence, Io said, "So where are we going? And if we can fly, why aren't we?"  
  
Phil sighed. "Well, I'm stuck on prehistoric Earth, with no clue where I am. So I DON'T know where we're going. As for your second question, if I have no clue where I'm going, why would I be in a hurry to get there?"  
  
As Phil continued hiking, she failed notice a pair of Saiyans on a lunch break. They were, in fact, Tag and Bink. The olive skinned Bink was using a small amount of energy to cook a primitive horse rotisserie style, while Tag was catnapping, using a boulder as a pillow.  
  
Bink was fuming. This job with Kagato had at first appeared to be a great deal, with plenty of opportunity for plunder and pillage. Even on Planet Vegeta, tales of the Class 2 criminal Kagato had made the rounds. In fact, rumor had it that he was receiving funding from Lady Kalt herself, in order to destabilize the Juraian Empire. Not because Kalt had any particular grudge against those tree hugging wimps, but because as a mercenary, chaos equals business. Bink reflected that it was probably just a baseless rumor, but it was possible.  
  
However, neither Tag nor Bink had expected to be hired as menial laborers.  
  
Apparently, according to Kagato's brief explanation, he was working on a project and needed brute force and the occasional job. Of course, clearing out the locals had taken less than an hour; the newly humbled cavemen had scattered all too easily.  
  
Before taking this lunch break, Tag and Bink had been setting up signs around the site. Each read in Juraian, Lunarian and the Saiyan Script. This meant that any sentient being likely to be visiting the Sol System would probably be able to read the signs. The signs read: "Warning. Stay Away From the Springs. Scientific Experiment in Progress. Don't Drink the Water."  
  
Bink didn't particularly care about the meaning, although he was curious about why Kagato would be working with springs. He and Tag had dug several hundred short holes and filled them with water, and then placed several bamboo poles in each spring.  
  
Kagato, apparently inspired by the origins of his hired help, had given the place the name "Jusenkyo." Bink didn't understand why the renegade scientist had decided to name it the Saiyan word for "Fecal Matter**," but the Saiyan pitied any primitive who happened along the place.  
  
All but one path to Jusenkyo had a sign warning away trespassers.  
  
Coincidently, it was that path that a certain time traveling Physics Policeman had taken.  
  
As the sound of sizzling flesh reached his ears, Bink jabbed his partner with a stick. "Hey Tag, food's done."  
  
* * *  
  
Elsewhere:  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"For the last time Io, NO! Even if we did have a destination, this wouldn't be it!"  
  
"Where are we, then?"  
  
"How should I know? I mean, I've never... been...here... before." Phil realized that she wasn't entirely accurate. She had been to this place before during a very unpleasant time of her life. Specifically, the battle with Cell. "Jusenkyo? What the heck am I doing at Jusenkyo?"  
  
Phil practically jumped out of her skin as an oddly familiar voice addressed her. "Why, hello there. A Sailor Senshi? That's odd, considering the my sensors failed to register any trace of the Moon Kingdom. Not that I'm complaining, mind you; this would have been much more difficult to maintain had those Silver Imperium busybodies were about."  
  
Phil turned about and instinctively powered up. "Kagato? What the hell are you doin' at Jusenkyo?"  
  
Kagato shook his head. "Tsk tsk. Such coarse language, my dear. I thought that you Senshi had better manners than that. All that nonsense about being "Miniskirt Wearing Warriors of Love and Justice." Then Kagato registered what she had said. "How did you know the name for this place? And for that matter, how did you get here? I purposely designed this site to be virtually undetectable."  
  
Io took over. "Jusenkyo? What is this place?"  
  
Kagato smirked in a very arrogant fashion. "My, for somebody who knows that which is hidden, you obviously are rather clueless. You see, I designed this place simply to irritate and bring misery to the beings of this planet."  
  
Phil wrenched control from Io. "What? How did you access the dark magic necessary to create this place?"  
  
"Dark Magic?" After a few moments, Kagato began laughing. It was, however, without any humor. "My, you Senshi are even stupider than I thought!"  
  
Kagato coughed into his hand, attempting to regain some of his dignity. "Ahem. Now, my dear, this place is a nexus for various energies. Perhaps this "Dark Magic" you speak of is one of them, but I am not able to detect it or use it. I choose this site because it is close to various human settlements, such as they are, yet is isolated enough to become little more than a local myth. After all, random chance is necessary to inflict the most suffering. Keeping this place hidden stops it from becoming a potential source of profit to any shrewd humans. However, I doubt that any human with that kind of thinking ability will arise for another thousand years, at least."  
  
"You see, it requires very advanced sensors to see this place for what it truly is. Anything less than a molecule by molecule scan of this water will indicate nothing more than pure water. If you were to take a very close look, one would find very tiny bacteria of my own design." He cupped some of the water in his gloved hands. "You see, in their basic state, they remain completely and utterly dormant; they neither attempt to reproduce, nor do they mutate. However, if one places an organism in the spring, several will enter it and begin replicating at a very fast clip by utilizing the bodies' cells."  
  
"Of course, the immune system of most organisms will deal with the threat of the basic bacteria. A few species would encounter various symptoms, but they would recover quickly. However, should the victim die in the pool, a new reaction takes place; all of the bacteria in the pool swarm into the organism and absorb its DNA. Thus, the pool goes from dormant to active."  
  
Calmly walking over to a pair of cages, Kagato reached in and grabbed a small rabbit. "Now, you see, in an active pool, should an organism fall in, a similar reaction occurs as in a dormant pool, with one very large difference. As opposed to an easily defeated bacterial infection, the active bacteria swarm throughout the body. Almost instantaneously, they swap the DNA found in each and every one of the host's cells with whatever they carry. You see, once they have copied the body's DNA, the immune system makes no attempt to fight the bacteria, much like your body doesn't normally fight your stomach or heart."  
  
"The virus has no effect upon brain cells, however; after all, to reformat the brain could simply erase the being, and I couldn't have that. After all, how would they suffer without knowing what they had lost?"  
  
Kagato tossed the rabbit into the pool. The terrified creature attempted to alter its course, but, in the end, it's fate was sealed. It landed in the spring. A moment later, a very startled bird ran out. Going from quadruped to biped, however, was not an easy experience, and the neo- bird tripped and fell on its face.  
  
Kagato grinned, watching the former rabbit struggle to keep its footing. "As you can see, it is quite difficult for non-sentient creatures to survive for long. Now, of course, theorizing that humans would survive long enough to develop advanced language, I added a reversal mechanism. After all, staying in one form, most sentients would eventually adapt. However, constant flip flopping between forms would be a most aggravating experience, to say the least."  
  
"The bacteria become active when exposed to different extremes of temperature. If the host is exposed to water below their optimum body temperature, their DNA is switched with whatever drowned there. If they come into contact with water that is at or above their normal body temperature, they receive their original forms. Of course, on a primitive planet such as this, hot water will be hard to come by, but hopefully the humans will develop that technology soon enough." He saw the glazed over expression on Phil's face. Interpreting the look of shock as one of boredom, he said, "Oh, I'm sorry, my dear. I always aspired to be a professor, and I suppose I went into teaching mode."  
  
Phil scratched her head. "And what was the point of all this?"  
  
Kagato smirked. "You see, I made a little wager with one of my colleagues to see who could inflict the greatest evil upon the universe in a ten-thousand year period."  
  
Phil started powering up. "And what makes you think that I'm not going to go tell the universe at large to stay the hell away from this place?"  
  
"Well, my dear, I honestly don't expect you to live long enough for that."  
  
It suddenly occurred to Phil just how thoroughly outclassed she was. She realized how uneven the fight was, given that Kagato was at least twenty times stronger than she was. Phil realized that retreat was the only sane option. Using her powers of flight, Phil took off in the exact opposite direction.  
  
And ran head on into Tag and Bink.  
  
Neither Saiyan wasted any time. Tag's left hook took her in the face and sent her flying back towards their boss. The schizophrenic Senshi got back on her feet and tried to figure out what had hit her.  
  
Tag pointed at her. "Hey Bink! It's that Senshi who beat us up back on Planet X!"  
  
Bink squinted. "Hey, you're right!" He cracked his knuckles. "Let's teach her a lesson."  
  
Kagato shook his head. "No. You two may keep her from retreating, but otherwise, this is my fight. It's been far too long since I've known battle." Kagato made a fist, and from his hand issued a green energy blade. "Come, my dear. I'm sure that you will make a very lovely spring."  
  
Phil glowered. "I've just got one chance. I don't know if Io's body can take this kind of strain, but I have no choice. Improved Kaio-Ken time six!" A dull red glow surrounded Phil, who faded out of existence...  
  
Only to be kneed square in the gut by Kagato.  
  
The wind left her lungs, and she went limp. Kagato shook his head. "Tsk tsk. I had hoped for a bit more sport. Then again, I suppose that I am as far beyond you as you are beyond those humans, so you fought as well as you were able. Very well." He teleported down to one of the springs. Grabbing Phil by her long, blue hair, he forced her head beneath the waves. "If you cannot sate my desire for combat, then you shall help quench my thirst for knowledge!"  
  
Sputtering, Phil managed to get above the waves one final time. "I'll get you for this, Kagato!"  
  
Getting the blue haired girl's head beneath the water once again, Kagato smirked. "Not in this lifetime."  
  
Neither knew that they were both right.  
  
As Io's body floated in the spring, Kagato grinned. Taking out a small palm-pilot, he made an entry. "Alright then. Spring of Drowned Girl is at coordinates A-4 B-7."  
  
The rogue scientist turned about as he heard the sound of a tent unzipping. He turned to face his redheaded companion. He frowned. Considering how good looking and practical her adult form was, he wondered why she insisted on being a child most of the time. Kagato shrugged. Even he, one of the greatest scientific minds in the universe, couldn't understand women.  
  
Washuu yawned. "What the heck do you think you're doing, making that kind of noise at..." she checked her watch, "9:30? I'm trying to get my beauty sleep!"  
  
Kagato fought the temptation to make a snide remark about that particular subject, but he didn't want to risk angering her. The last time he had done something like that, she'd modified his DNA so that his hair was that ugly shade of green! He smiled. "I was just adding a new pool to the fold." He motioned towards Io's lifeless husk. "I managed to get a Sailor Senshi this time.  
  
Washuu angrily placed her hands on her hips. "Kagato! That was mean, cruel evil, and you promised you'd wait for me next time! I enjoy a little fun to!"  
  
He sighed. "Yes, Washuu. I promise that next time I'll let YOU be the one to drown the innocent bystander."  
  
"Apology accepted. So, what's on the agenda for today?"  
  
"I was thinking about adding a very odd Earth creature I spied today." From a small device on his wrist eminated a hologram of a Saber Toothed Tiger. "What do you think?"  
  
Washuu nodded. "Yes, I just love the build on these Earth felines. Y'know, I've had some ideas above combining their DNA with those of that odd creature with the big ears... that watchacalit, Rabbit!"  
  
"So, a part cat, part rabbit? A "Cabbit" if you will? Intriguing."  
  
(Let us leave before Green Peace sues me for depicting cruelty to animals.)  
  
End Part 37  
  
* When cells split to form new cells.  
  
**It loses something in the translation, doesn't it?  
  
Author's Note: I'm very curious about something; who has added me to their favorites list? According to FF.NET, I have six fans, but I can only find three. So, I'd appreciate some feedback/info from my fans. Thanks! 


	38. Welcome to Valhalla Population: Phil

Part 38

Welcome to Valhalla.

Population: Phil.

By BobCat

Disclaimer: As tends to be the nature of fanfiction, I don't own much of this.  DBZ is the property of Akira Toriama, while Sailor Moon was invented by somebody who found themselves a steady supply of LSD. Ranma ½ was created by a Japanese woman whose name I don't feel like looking up right now.  Monty Python and the Holy Grail is owned by some British Guy.  The Legend of Arthur Pendragon has had far too many authors over the centuries to mention, although he was first mentioned in a history of the British Isles written in 490 A.D. (Although he wasn't referred to as Arthur, simply as a great King who attempted to unite the Celts to fight the invading Saxons.).  Norse Mythology, or at least what we know of it, was written by a scribe named Snorri Sturuson (I am NOT making that name up) in 1220.  Star Wars is owned by George Lucas.  Also, I don't own Braveheart.  However, Shamus McJagger of the Highlands is MY twisted creation.

Author's Note: OK, don't feel discouraged if you don't know the answer to my question regarding Tag and Bink.  As promised, the solution will be given next chapter.

               Given the general lack of response for this current No-Prize opportunity, (thank you for your diligence, Elvin Flame), I do hereby give a new, open-ended requirement for the No-Prize.  This will last from now until the end of the fic.  Your objective is to a) point out a flaw or inconsistency in my fic, and then b) come up with a good (if farfetched) explanation for it, beyond, "The Author didn't know better."  [Hey!  This is THE EDITOR speaking!  That's my job!]

               Those who can provide a good review of this variety will receive a No-Prize, and maybe a screen credit.

               Also, after several chapters of action/adventure, I would like to announce the triumphant return of comedy!

*                                                          *                                                          *

               Quote of the Day: "There are times... when knowing when to return a weapon to its scabbard is more important than knowing how to cut with it.  Anyone can cut and kill, but knowing when cutting and killing is not necessary, that is a milestone on the path to true wisdom."  Theodore Kurita.  (Author's Note: This is the actual quote that Phil was alluding to back in part 31.)

*                                                                         *                                                          *

               Phil felt a strong hand gripping her neck, forcing her beneath the surface of one of the Jusenkyo Springs.  Kagato, famed scientist and infamous criminal, was the owner of said strong hand.  Despite her struggles, she was easily overpowered by Kagato.  A surge of panic swept through Phil's body as she realized that she could feel water flowing into her lungs.  After several moments, oblivion claimed her.

               Suddenly, Phil was aware of three things; an all encompassing darkness, a bright light and the fact that she was now a he.  He glanced about, attempting to figure out where he was.  "Hello?"  Phil had expected an echo; instead, he received complete and utter silence, as the void completely and utterly swallowed his voice.

               Phil took a deep breath.  "OK, Phil, don't panic.  Remember your training."  Suddenly, a memory of his days with Happosai* returned, and he quickly wished that he HADN'T remembered his training.  Shuddering, he said, "OK.  Rewind."  Phil took another deep breath.  "OK, Phil, don't panic.  DON'T remember your training.  Now, the first thing to do is to figure out where you are."

               Off to his right, Phil heard Io's voice.  "Yeah, where are we, anyway?"

               Phil spun about to face his past incarnation.  He was surprised to find out that, instead of being a voice in his head, the curvy Sailor Senshi was a corporeal being.  "Huh?  What are you doing outside of my head?"

               Io raised her eyebrow.  "The better question might be, what are YOU doing outside of mine?"

               Phil nodded.  "Fair enough.  Now, the thing to do is to figure out the last thing we can remember."

               Io rolled her eyes.  "Well, DUH!  We were being drowned by a Juraian criminal by the name of Kagato."

               Phil nodded as memories returned.  "OK, so we drowned.  Where are we?"  And then he noticed something else.  "Hey, what's with that halo above your head?"

               "Isn't it obvious?  We're dead.  And you have one to."

               Phil reached up, and indeed, there was a thin band of cold metal floating above his head with no support. "Well, I guess this makes sense, seeing as how FC-1 is a DBZ universe."  

               Phil snorted, surveying his surroundings.  "Well, if this is the afterlife, I'm sorely disappointed.  Shouldn't there be a Kai coming?  Or at least a blue skinned guy with horns and a bad haircut?"  Io was about to ask what he was talking about when Phil heard a noise off in the distance.  "Shh!  What's that?"

               Io heard it to.  It was a steady, "Clop clop, clop clop."  After several minutes, the outline of a lone figure became visible in the blinding light.  Eventually, she became fully visible.

               She looked to be about six feet tall or better.  Long, platinum blond hair reached down past her shoulders, reaching the middle of her back.  She was dressed in a low cut leather bustier, which left very little to the imagination.  Her lower half was clothed in a  short skirt, although she had nothing on the Sailor Senshi.  A circular, wooden shield was mounted across her back, while a broadsword and its scabbard slapped against her left thigh.  

               The scabbard was slapping because of the odd manner in which she was traveling.  The clopping noise was a result of her slapping two halves of a coconut together, while she shuffled along in an oddly crablike gait.

               Phil thought this was odd, but adapted quickly.  After all, he had seen this movie at least a dozen times.  His hair shifted from brown to yellow and his eyes went from green to turquoise as he activated his Super Saiyan powers.  He had seen the movie before, but it was best to be on his guard.

               Placing one hand before him, he commanded, "Halt!  Who goes there?"

               The "rider" halted, and made a big show of dismounting her invisible horse.  She responded, "I am Brunhilda, Daughter of Odin, Collector of Souls, Unmatched Warrior and Leader of the Valkyries.  I have ridden from the sacred halls of Asgard, in order to take you to your eternal rest in Valhalla."

               "What, on a horse?"

               "Yes!"

               "You're using coconuts!"

               "What?"

               "You've got tow empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together!"

               She sighed.  She was getting VERY tired of this.  "My horse was sick today.  However, I've ridden since you died, through the great void between life and death, through..."

               Phil smirked.  "Where did you get those coconuts?"

               "I found them."  Off to the side, Io was getting very confused, but decided to say nothing.

               "Found them?  The coconut's tropical!"

               "What do you mean?"

               "Well, this is a temperate zone."

               Brunhilda was taken aback by this, but came up with a counter.  "Well, the swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land!"

               "Are you suggesting that coconuts are migratory?"

               "It could be carried."

               Phil grinned.  He was enjoying this.  "What?  A swallow carrying a coconut?"

               "It could grip it by the husk."

               Phil, engrossed in the conversation and struggling to keep a straight face, powered down and said, "It's not a matter of where he grips it!  It's a simple question of weight ratios.  A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut!"

               Brunhilda unsheathed her sword and pressed it to Phil's throat.  He quickly realized that this WASN'T the way that this scene was supposed to go.  Angrily, the Valkyrie said, "Look, I can take you to Valhalla in one piece, or in several.  Which would you prefer?"

               Phil gulped.  He couldn't move fast enough to power up before she slit his throat.  "Um, I don't think that is in the script."

               "Yes it is!"

               From his back pocket, he pulled out a book.  He flipped a few pages to part 38, scene two.  "Weight ratios... five ounce bird... ah, here we are..."  He read next scene.  "Well, I'll be darned.  It is in the script."

               Io's eyes widened.  "A script?  Where did you get a script?"

               Phil grinned at Io.  "What, all major characters get a script!  But, that's not important now."  Phil raised his hand.  "Um, Brunhilda, getting to Valhalla is all a matter of heading towards the light, correct?"

               "Yes."

               Phil's hair went yellow and he floated off of the ground.  "Race ya!"  Before the surprised Valkyrie could respond, Phil was already flying into the light at about the speed of sound.  

               She blinked.  Wasn't she supposed to be the one providing transportation?  She quickly decided that it didn't matter, and decided that she didn't want to be shown up by mere mortal.  A moment later, Brunhilda floated up and took off after him.

               And Io found herself very alone.  She considered the situation, and decided to walk.

*                                                                         *                                                                         *

               Phil sighed contentedly, chugging a golden liquid from a wooden mug.  As soon as it was empty, a busty Valkyrie refilled the flagon.  He again took a chug.  This time, some of the mead trickled from his mouth, but he didn't care.  After all, this was heaven.  Or, at least, as close to it was warriors got.

               Phil was still having trouble adapting to the idea that he was dead.  He considered himself on a vacation.  Besides, nothing could happen while he was gone.

               Phil ignored the ominous thunder.  He shrugged.  "Eh.  I guess Thor's just showing off again."

               Suddenly, the man next to him stiffened.  On second thought, Phil decided that he was more a boy, looking to be in his late teens.  The boy muttered, "That voice... it's you!"  He looked up in surprise.  "Phil!"

               Phil took another sip of fermented honey.  "And you are?"

               The boy was shocked.  "You don't remember me?  It's me, Mamoru!"

               "Tux-Boy?"  Phil realized that he didn't recognize him primarily because he was wearing fur laden clothes and a Viking style hat, complete with horns.  "What're you doing here?"

               Mamoru scowled.  "Ug.  After I died fighting Kerrigan, I ended up here.  Apparently, I died a warriors death."  He gestured, indicating the entire hall.  "Valhalla.  The final resting place for warriors.  Pheh.  I think I could take Hell better, if only because it was actually intended to be torture."

               Phil noisily gnawed on a leg of boar.  "What're you talking about?  This place is great!"

               "Maybe for you!  Sure, YOU can act like a barbarian 24/7, but I'm not like that!  I'm very sensitive and caring!"

               Phil said, "Translation: you are a Pansy.  What's so bad about this place anyway?  I mean, free food, battle all you like, you get to meet warriors of ages past, and I understand that the Valkyries can be very 'accommodating'."

               Mamoru snorted.  "Uh huh.  Maybe for Usagi this place would've been great.  Well, at least the free food for eternity part.  But I've never really been into gluttony.  As far as battle, I hate fighting!  I only do it because the spirit of Prince Endimyon keeps compelling me to fight for the future."  He took a sip of mead, grimacing at the taste.  "Fat lot of good it did me."  

               "As far as meeting the warriors of ages past, yeah, I considered that option.  However, I quickly realized that all the "great warriors" are either exaggerated or cleaned up in modern renditions.  I mean, I tried to have a civil conversation with Fin Mac Cool, the legendary Celtic hero.  Well, I found out that eating the supposed "Salmon of Wisdom" didn't do much for his personality.  He's either drinking, eating, fighting or getting it on with the Valkyries.  Every other word out of his mouth is a pseudonym for a sexual organ of some sort.  Thank the Kami that it's mostly in Welsh."

               Phil snorted.  "Ah, stop you're whining, Pansy?"

               "And as far as that last bit, I'm still loyal to Usagi!"

               Phil smirked.  "Y'know, I get the impression that she's gotten over you."

               "What!?  But we were destined to be together!"

               "Well, your death sort of put a crimp in that plan.  She's probably dating Gohan by now.  I've met her daughter from the future, and she isn't yours.  Sorry about that.  But hey, I warned you about fighting Kerrigan.  But would you listen?  Nope."

               Mamoru sighed.  He drank more mead.  However, this time he chugged the entire flagon in under five seconds.  "Great.  My true love's forgotten me.  You know what's the worst?  The Eternal Dragon passed me over."

               Phil blinked.  "What do you mean?  What was Shen Long doing here?"

               Mamoru quaffed another mug of mead.  "Well, see, for some reason, he started wishing people back to life, and returning them to their own place.  I was talking to a Valkyrie about it, and he said that he was reanimating the superheroes and villains."  He smashed his hand into the table.  "But I am a superhero, damn it!  I put my life on the line enough times!  Damned dragon."

               Phil grinned.  "Y'know, being killed by a supervillain like Kerrigan doesn't make you a superhero."  Phil sipped his drink again, puzzling over Shen Long's odd behavior.  He dismissed it.  After all, he was on vacation.  The situation would last until he got back.

               There was another peal of ominous thunder, and Phil wished that Thor would cut it out.  He smirked at the dead "hero."  "Y'know, it's like I told you; the ability to throw roses doesn't make you a superhero."

               Mamoru ignored this comment.  He asked a passing serving wench for more alcohol, and he got it.  Still drinking heavily, he said, "So, as if all that wasn't bad enough, some Viking named Sigfried keeps taking my lunch money."

               Phil considered this for a second.  "Lunch money?  But I thought that food was free here."

               "Oh, it is.  Apparently, among the Vikings and Celts who were the first people to arrive here, it was considered glorious to fight to get more booty.  So, what happens is that Odin gives us an "allowance."  After the daily battle, the winners go through the battlefield and claim whatever they like off of the corpses of the vanquished.  Well, I've been here for two months, and every day Sigfried is the one to take me out.  And I haven't even wounded one guy yet!"

               Phil raised his eyebrow.  "Daily battle?  What's that?  That sounds fun!"

               Mamoru laughed uncontrollably.  Phil decided that either Mamoru found his ignorance amusing, or that flagon of mead was starting to catch up with Tuxedo Mask.  Mamoru finally regained some of his composure.  "Well... he he he... every day, the two best fighters of the previous day are elected team captains, and each takes turns selecting warriors for their side.  Once the sides are figured out, we set into each other until one side or the other is killed.  Then Odin blows into his magical horn, the dead come back to life and we feast all night.  And then we repeat the process over and over and over and over and..."  With that, the former Tuxedo Mask fell face first into his plate of... well, Phil couldn't tell what it was anymore.  

               The Physics Policeman considered the meaning of this.  And grinned.  The next day would be fun.  He wondered what an army of fighting mad Vikings could do against a Super Saiyan?  Or, if he felt really mean, a Mystic Warrior?

               Then, something clicked in the back of Phil's mind.  "I died ten thousand years ago, but Tux-boy died two months before I went to the past... what am I doing in the present?"

               A voice behind him said, "Oh, I can answer that."  The voice had a British accent.  Phil turned to see the voice's source.  It was a man, who looked to be about five feet and nine inches tall.  He was dressed in medieval style armor, and he wore a crown on his head.  The man had short brown hair, and a neatly trimmed beard obscured the lower half of his face.  He considered for a moment, and then said, "Oh dear.  I suppose it was rather uncouth of me to listen in upon thy musings, but I can answer thy question."

               Phil raised his eyebrow.  "Really?  And why is that?"

               The man sat down on Phil's left.  "Well, according to a rather nasty fellow by the name of Loki, time moves differently here.  When thou arriveth here, thou art in whatever time thou think is proper.  Thou thinkest of thyself as being in thine own time period, so thou were sent here.  I hath been here for nearly twelve hundred years now, ever since that bastard Lancelot and his army attacked me!  All because that scoundrel lusted after my wife Gwenevere!"  Now in a rather angry mood, the medieval man grabbed a flagon of mead from the tray of a passing Valkyrie and took a long swig from it.

               Phil considered this.  "Wait a second... Lancelot, Gwenevere... hey, you're King Arthur Pendragon!"

               He nodded.  "Indeed I am.  Thou art obviously well versed in history."

               "Actually, I went on a date and saw the musical "Camelot" a few years back."

               "Oh."  He quaffed more mead.  "Bloody Broadway idiots.  They hath no idea what they write about.  Lancelot was not so noble NOR so chaste, if thou can decipher my meaning!  And the very idea that his prayer brought a man back to life!  'Tis laughable!  And beyond that, the very idea that my great exploits were simply myth!  It driveth me to drink!"  And he did so.  Greatly.

               There was a moment of silence, as the two warriors ate.  Finally, Phil decided that he wanted some more conversation.  "You know, I'm descended from you."

               "What?  'Tis impossible!  My beloved Gwenevere and I had no children, and my only offspring was that traitorous bastard who I shall not name!"

               "Isn't it interesting what you can do with genetic engineering these days?"

               Arthur looked at him with a confused look on his face.  "Gene-what?"

               Phil rolled his eyes.  Dealing with medeval types was never easy.  "Let's just say that I am telling the truth, and leave it at that."

               After another long silence, Arthur broke it.  "So, in what way did thou come to meet thy maker?"

               "Well, some alien scientist by the name of Kagato drowned me in a cursed spring.  This place is nice to visit, but I wouldn't want to "live" here.  Now, if I could just figure out a way to get out of here."

               Arthur gestured, indicating the hall.  "Why wouldst thou wish to leave?  Battle all day, feasting all night... why, 'tis a Knight's dream!"

               Phil brushed it off.  "Not quite my thing.  I enjoy a good fight, but this is overkill.  Besides, I've got some unfinished business.  I can leave and get back to Earth, or "Midgard" if you prefer, because my body is simply in some kind of trance."

               "How wouldst thou know that?"

               "It was my mind that was sent through time, not my body.  I was just possessing someone else.  I figure my partners are smart enough to get me hooked up to some kind of life support system till I get back."

               "I see.  Well, I must go.  I hath promised Athena a game of chess."  With that, Arthur departed.

               Phil considered this.  "What, Greek and Roman gods to?"

               Suddenly, another voice sounded behind Phil.  "Aye, they and the Norse be rather close."  Phil found the source of the voice; a large, giant of a man.  He had rather homely features, and he had long, gnarled red hair.  He spoke with a slurred Scottish brogue, and his breath bore testament to many a quaffed ale.  His nose ran freely, and the occasional bit of drool would leave his mouth and being a seven foot journey to the ground.

               Phil held his nose, temporarily cursing the enhanced senses that were part of his Saiyan heritage.  In his estimation, this giant was as close to being a cave man as one could get without being born during the stone age.  "And you are?"

               He gave a very loud laugh, and slapped Phil on the back.  "Well lad, ye speak to none o'er then Shamus McJagger of the Highlands!"

               Phil grew rather irritated with the man.  "Should I have heard of you?"

               "What?  Have ye ne seen th' movie Braveheart?"

               Phil looked at him with an incredulous look in his eyes.  "YOU were Braveheart?"

               He laughed again and slapped him on the back.  The genetically engineered warrior was growing peeved.  "Ha ha!  Aye, ye be a funny one, lad!  I was'ne that pansy!  I be the one that had the idea to moon those blasted limeys!"  

               "Um, didn't that lead to dozens of casualties when the British fired upon your position, as your troops were too busy displaying their posteriors to fight back?"

               "Aye, but it was for the cause."  He pointed, indicating Phil's plate.  "Are ye goin' te be eatin' that?"

               "Yes, I will.  Now, go away.  You bother me."

               The drunken Scotsman staggered to his feet and brought out a large mace.  "What?  Ye can'ne speak that way t' yer betters!"

               "I'll remember that the next time that I meet one of my betters."

               "I'll clobber ye good!"  The mace swung out.  Had Phil been a normal man, the blow would have likely snapped him in two.

               Of course, Phil was hardly a normal man.

               Shamus was quite surprised when his mace smashed the chair where Phil had been seated in without hitting Phil first.  His amazement grew as he saw a flash of yellow off to his right as Phil went Super Saiyan.  And he became bewildered when Phil lifted him off the ground with one hand.

               Phil smirked.  Being a Super Saiyan was fun.  "You, my inebriated friend, need a time out."  With that, Phil threw him out the window.  The Scotsman flew a good distance, then began to plummet downward.  Phil shifted back to his normal state and sat down.  There was a round of applause as he sat down, as Shamus McJagger had been irritating everyone present.

               Phil's smirk intensified.  "To butcher a famous line of poetry, "I threw a lummox in the air, and if he lands, I do not care." 

               *                                           *                                           *                                           *

               Elsewhere:

               King Kai sighed in a sad fashion.  Even though it had been about eight years, he still missed having his own planet on occasion.  The Grand Kai had a very nice planet, but it just didn't feel right.  Besides, how could he guard the east section of the Milky Way Galaxy if he didn't have a place to do it from?

               The cricket-like man shook his fist angrily.  "Blast that moron Cell!  This is all his fault!"  He sighed.  "Oh, well.  At least nothing else can go wrong.  Things have been rather quiet since Goku left."  A peal of thunder sounded in the distance, and King Kai frowned.  It was bad enough having to regularly deal with those Norse types, but did Thor always have to show off?  And what was that strange whistling noise? 

               The Kai's musings were interrupted as a gigantic Scotsman fell on his head from up above.  Even though he was by no means a weakling, he was still rendered most unconscious by the impact.

               So was Shamus.  The barbarian would wake up later in Valhalla's small infirmary with a rather nasty headache.  Also, apparently, as punishment for his bad behavior over the last several hundred years, Odin had reshaped him so that he was a rather attractive serving wench, who was given orders to serve the dead Vikings' every need for the rest of eternity.  (This is why it is best to NOT annoy either the Kais or the Gods.)

               Phil would receive no punishment for being the one to actually throw Shamus, because nobody had liked the barbarian anyway.

*                                                          *                                                          *                                           *

               However, where was Io?

               Ten Thousand Years Prior to Phil's arrival in Valhalla

               The Afterlife

               Well, at the moment, the dead Sailor Senshi was chasing around a monkey.  Having been raised in and around Jupiter, her gravity tolerance was higher than the norm.  However, even she couldn't fight in sixty times the Moon's gravity!  This was insane!  And she had no idea who that blue-skinned weirdo with the antennae was.  He kept insisting that the very fact that she'd made it across Snake Way (whatever THAT was) proved that she was a warrior worthy of his special training.

               At first, she had fought this weirdo, attempting to get off the planet.  After all, she had only gone up to his tiny world to ask for directions.  After Phil and Brunhilda had taken off, she had wandered through the void for hours before falling off the edge.  After what seemed like an eternity, she had landed on what looked to be the paved back of a huge dragon.  Picking a direction at random, she'd set out to find out where she was.  After a nasty experience with some carnivore who called herself the Snake Queen, she'd reached this place.  It was VERY wierd; a tiny planet, with a car and a road that circled it once.  Also, the house that was mounted on it looked to be about half as large as the entire planet!  Upon making it up there, she had been surprised by the sheer amount of gravity present there.  For the first week, she had constantly been attempting to escape, with the cricket-man stopping her for "You're own good!"

               However, she had realized that this was her opportunity for revenge!  She could accept this oddball's training, and become strong enough to face Phil and get her vengeance!  (Io seemed to have forgotten that she would eventually become Phil.)

               She leapt at the monkey once again.  And for the thirteenth time that day, the brown-furred beast managed to dodge her.  She glowered.  "I'll get you yet, Bubbles!"

               King Kai watched her with pride.  Three weeks in this gravity had brought her up from the strength of a well-trained human athlete to nearly superhuman levels!  Why, the cricket-like man believed that, at this rate, she'd be his best student yet!

(This training is the reason why Phil's soul went from being primarily manna based to Chi based.  Ten thousand years of training would grant anybody greater Chi strength.)

               The Next Day:

               A large crowd of Viking warriors were milling about, waiting for the daily battle to begin.  There was a certain air to the place.  Perhaps it was anticipation.  Perhaps it was fear of yet another death.  Perhaps it was simply that many of the Vikings didn't know what antiperspirant was.  Whatever it was, it made it rather unpleasant to be there.  

               Finally, a large man rode in on a horse.  The only difference was that this particular horse had eight legs.  The offspring of Loki, the horse Sleipnir, was reputed to be twice as fast as any normal horse.  Upon his back was its owner, Odin.

               The father and ruler of the Norse Gods, he usually presided over the feasts in Valhalla.  He also had the responsibility of beginning the fight today.

               The Vikings began to murmur, but they stopped when Odin dismounted.  All conversation immediately ceased.  He raised his hands and addressed the crowd.  "Warriors!  On this day, there shall be a special treat!  Although Sigfried and Beowulf performed the best in yesterday's battle, they shall not be the Team Captains for this bout."  This was met by some light grumbling and a few notes of confusion.  "Instead, today the teams shall be led by Thor and Raiden!"

               Phil whispered to Arthur, who was on his right.  "Who's Raiden?"

               Arthur considered this for a moment.  "I believe that he art the Japanese God of Lightning.  I remember well the last time they fought.  It was two hundred years ago in the Other World Martial Arts Tournament.  Raiden managed to come out on top by simply overloading Thor with electricity."

               "Wait a second.  What was Thor doing in a Martial Arts Competition?"

               "Those two hath been rivals as long as I can recall.  I believe that they entered simply to alleviate their boredom.  After all, when one is immortal, one has all of eternity to amuse thyself with, so one cannot put thyself in the same rut.  I, being intrigued by the possibility of seeing gods do battle, used a day pass to get to the Grand Kai's planet."

               "Ah.  So this is a grudge match, eh?"

               "Indeed."

               "I pity whichever of them doesn't choose me."

               Arthur was quite surprised at this.  "Thou wouldst threaten a God?"

               Phil smirked.  "Believe you me, I've read enough comics about "the Mighty Thor" to know that I can overpower him any day of the week."

               "Such hubris!  I pray that Thor did not hear that."

               "Oh, I did."

               Both the legendary King and the Physics Policeman jumped a little.  Behind them was Thor.  Phil noticed how he wasn't dressed in like he was in the comics.  As opposed to a spandex suit, he was dressed much like the other Vikings.

               "And if you refer to my incarnation as portrayed by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, they got a few details wrong."

               Phil considered this.  "But wait a second... all fiction is real on some level, somewhere."

               Thor shrugged.  "What, you don't honestly think that we'd let the Hulk or whoever go tromping around Asgard, did you?  Just think of the property damage!"

               "Huh?"

               Thor smiled.  "You see, the Mighty Thor is an avatar of myself.  His personality matrix was tinkered with by a being known as Puck, AKA Robin Goodfellow, AKA Toltir.  He's a God of Mischief, so a few flaws he perceived in me were exaggerated to an amazing degree.  However, the Avatars are necessary.  I mean, what you Saiyans haven't figured out yet is that if one keeps battling with that level of power, eventually a missed shot is going to vaporize a planet of something."  Phil sweated a bit at that remark.  "So, we created the Avatars.  Every God made one and put them in a simulated Asgard or Olympus.  What, you don't really think that someone like the Hulk or the Juggernaut could really surpass the power of a God, do you?"

               Phil nodded.  "I suppose that makes sense.  So, those simulacrums do the battle for you while you watch?"

               "Exactly.  A few of us make wagers on the outcome, but at this point only the most desperate gamblers ever bet on Loki."

               "Why aren't you talking like Arthur over here?  I mean, your simulation's speech is just full of Thees, thys and thous."

               Thor sighed.  "Toltir thought that I was overly formal, so he made my Avatar's speech sound like I was a reject from Shakespeare in the Park."  The Norse God shuddered.  "Loki just had a field day with that one!"

               "Do they even know that they aren't real?"

               "If they did, it would ruin the whole simulation, now wouldn't it?  So, don't go telling them.  Then again, it's not as if they'd believe you."  The golden haired God of Thunder stopped his conversation.  He glared at a new being who appeared on Phil's left.

               The newcomer was Thor's physical opposite.  Instead of being a large, beefy Scandinavian, he was about five foot five inches.  His hair was black and was tied up in a pigtail in the back.  He was rather gaunt, and not terribly muscular.  What struck Phil were his eyes.  The green orbs seemed to radiate power.  

               Smirking arrogantly, he addressed Thor.  "Why, hello Thor.  Nice weather we're having, eh?  Oh course, you'll probably want to take credit for that."

               The Norse God's glare intensified.  "Hello, Raiden."

               The Japanese God of lightning responded to Thor's venom with a look of pure arrogance.  "It shall be amusing to defeat you again, Goldilocks.  Well, I suppose we'd best start selecting teams."

               Thor gave Phil a sideways look.  "I shall enjoy seeing you upon the battlefield, mortal.  Good day to you."

               Phil smirked.  So, Thor thought that he was just an average everyday mortal, eh?  He'd have to do something to dispel THAT misconception.

*                                                                                        *                                                                         *

               "Pansy, could you be any MORE pathetic?"  Phil slugged a Viking across the face, sending him flying.  In fact, the force of the blow, knocked aside several warriors who had been rushing up to back up the Viking.

               The former Tuxedo Mask weakly parried a blow from another Viking.  "C'mon!  It's not like I was trained to use a sword!"

               "Yeah, you use those useless roses of yours."

               "Will you just shut up about that!?"  Taking a rose in his hands, Mamoru let fly at the Viking.  The dead Norseman stopped the flying flower with his wooden shield.

               Phil rolled his eyes upward.  Moving so fast that he created a double image, he went behind the Viking, stabbed him and was back at his starting point to block a strike from Fin Mac Cool.  

               The Celtic warrior attempted to gut Phil like a fish.  However, he was quite surprised when the metal sword broke in half as Phil's skin stopped it.  He gasped.  "What sorcery is this?"

               Phil ignored his statement.  Making a gesture, Phil sent the ancient Celtic King flying into a group of his comrades.  Phil glowed yellow for a moment, then let loose with a Mouko Takabishi.  The yellow blast of ego-fueled Chi vaporized them where they stood.

               Phil snorted.  "This is pathetic!  Makes me wish I'd ended up with one of the Kais.  Those guys like Pikon would have probably given me a good fight!"

               Mamoru suddenly went pale.  Bearing down on him was a beefy man who was about six and a half feet tall.  His long blond hair and incredibly pale skin marked him as a Viking.  Tux-Boy barely managed to block his strike.  "Phil!  Help!  It's Sigfried!  He's trying to kill me!"

               Phil was using the Force to choke the life out of Beowulf.  The Geatish (I am not making that nationality up) King bore a surprised look on his face for several moments, before the pressure finally broke his neck.  "Uh huh.  That's nice."

               "Wait!  Why aren't you helping me like you were before?"

               Phil smirked.  "What, he's the one that's gotten you every day.  I wouldn't deprive a man of his target.  Go ahead, Sigfried."

               The Norseman grinned savagely.  "With pleasure."  With a single fluid motion, Sigfried decapitated the former Tux-Boy.  With a look of shock and terror on his face, Mamoru's head fell to the ground with an audible thud.

               Phil knocked aside a man who, according to his boastings, was Sir Gawain of Camelot.  Phil's backhand didn't even touch the man; the near miss still removed his head.

               Phil had a bored look on his face.  "This isn't battle; this is just irritating.  Well, only one way to fix that."  The air shimmered around him as he enacted the Mystical Powerup.  "I'm goin' on a God hunt!"

               Sigfried rushed Phil, intending to strike down this newcomer.  "Hah!  You aren't worthy to face a God!  You shall die at the hands of Sigfr... *ack!*"  Phil's sword intercepted him in mid-boast.  After removing his sword, Phil left the Viking to attempt to halt the massive blood flow from the gaping wound in his chest.

               Flying up into the air, Phil saw his target.  He could also survey the battlefield from his position.  He and Mamoru had been chosen by Raiden.  Arthur was also on the side of the Lightning God, and from the looks of it, the former King of England was doing nicely for himself.  Phil smirked.  With Arthur and himself on Raiden's side, victory was nearly assured.

               Phil homed in on Thor.  The Norse God of Thunder hadn't been very hard to find, considering that he was blasting through his enemies in much the same way that Phil had.

               Phil considered the situation.  He decided that with that nasty warhammer of his, Thor would be best to tackle from a distance.

               Phil cupped his hands.  "Ka...me...ha...me...ha!"  A gigantic bolt of blue energy flew out.

               Thor, who had been in the process of braining Sir Lancelot, turned to see what the source of the bright light was.  His eyes widened as the Kamehameha Wave hit him.  Moment later, a massive explosion consumed roughly a square mile of land, vaporizing warriors on both sides.  Phil didn't particularly care, since they were already dead.

               As the smoke cleared, Phil was surprised to see that Thor hadn't been vaporized.  Phil's eyes widened.  "Whoa.  When he said that he was stronger than his Avatar, he wasn't kidding!  That blast would've at least staggered Vegeta!"

               Thor looked up at Phil and smiled.  "So, you're one of those insufferable Saiyans, eh?  You're the one who's led to the decline of Marvel Comic Book sales, thus endangering the tales of my Avatar's exploits!  Have at you!"  With a bright flash of light, Thor was airborne.

               Phil tossed his sword aside, knowing that it would be all but useless against the God.  He took a ball of Chi in his hand.  "If Ryoko can do it, so can I."  Squeezing the ball, he was pleased to see that it took the general shape of a lightsaber.

               The "lightsaber" was formed in the nick of time, as Phil was forced to block a blow from Mjollnir.  Phil retaliated with a swipe aimed at Thor's head.  However, the Norse God managed to dodge the strike, and brought his hammer down in a counterstrike.  

               Phil danced around the bludgeon, and caught Thor in the face with a punch.  The Thunder God was staggered by the blow.

               Calling upon most of his energy, Phil created a power Chi bolt.  Yellow energy forming in his hands and around his body, he pointed his hands at Thor and yelled, "FINAL FLASH!"  Vegeta's trademark attack hit the dazed God, sending him flying into the ground.  When it hit the ground, there was another massive explosion.  This blast consumed the entire battlefield, and all of the other warriors.

               When the light faded, Thor was lying in the middle of a crater.  Off in the distance, Raiden was looking equally crispy.  Panting from the exertion, Phil grinned.  "Cool.  I can outfight a God.  A warrior God, nonetheless."  As he was uttering his boast, however, Thor picked himself off of the ground.  Although he looked a little worse for wear, it was obvious that there was still plenty of fight left in him.

               Phil groaned.  He HATED always being the weaker party in these kinds of battles.

               Thor floated up into the air.  He had a cocky grin on his face.  "Well, mortal, I tip my hat to you."  He did so.  "Few have ever managed to hurt me as you did.  In fact, unless I miss my guess, your little attack knocked out your team captain.  You are indeed a worthy foe; not many a mortal can claim to have felled a God in combat!  Now, however, I have to end this battle.  After all, the longer we fight, the shorter the feast at the end."  With that, Thor threw Mjollnir towards the shocked Saiyan hybrid.

               Phil barely managed to dodge the speeding missile.  As it passed, he laughed.  "Hah!  You missed!  And you just threw away your only weapon!"

               "Are you aware of Mjollnir's enchantment?"

               "Huh?"

               "It must always return to my hand.  And you're in the way."

               "What are you..."  Before Phil could finish his confused statement, he was struck in the back of the head by the warhammer.  Unconsciousness claimed him quickly.

*                                           *                                                          *                                                          *

               Whatever popularity Phil had claimed after dealing with Shamus McJagger had faded away.  Nobody had been pleased to vaporized by blasts of Chi energy; particularly his allies.

               Arthur in particular was peeved.  "Thou hath fought with such dishonor!  I witnessed thy battle, and only one warrior went down by thy blade!  Thou hast used overwhelming force and sorcery in what was to be a test of mortal strength.  AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, THOU HAST SLAIN THINE OWN ALLIES!  And not only that, you failed to achieve victory!  If thou must cheat, thou should at least win!"

               Phil grumbled.  "Look, I said I was sorry!"

               Arthur glared at Phil.  "And to think that thou art my descendant!  This cannot be!"

               "Well, it is, so get used to it.  Pass the ketchup, will ya?"

               Arthur snapped.  "Such rudeness towards thy ancestors!  Thou art the least chivalrous warrior I hath ever had the misfortune to meet!"

               "Well, what are you going to do?"   

               "That is it!  As of this moment, I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, do hereby swear that I shall teach this honorless leach Chivalry!"  

               Around him, various Vikings and Celts, still nursing grudges against the Physics Policeman, burst into laughter and made comments to the effect of, "He'll never do it," and, "That's a nice dream ya got there, Pendragon."

               Phil furrowed his brow, ignoring the sarcasm.  "Well, that's nice and all, but will you be passing the ketchup any time soon, old man?"

               Arthur's forlorned scream could be from heard all the way in Snake Way, and odd echoes permeated HFIL.  Several demons and ghosts glanced about, looking for the source of the sound.  Seeing none, they gave a collective shrug and went about their work.

End Part 38

*  If you don't know who he is, you'll find out soon enough.  Heh heh.


	39. Why NOT To Make Bets With Chaos Gods

Part 39  
  
Why NOT To Make Bets With Chaos Gods  
  
By BobCat  
  
Disclaimer: Most of this isn't mine. One disclaimer I forgot for part 38: Toltir was created by Metroanime, and was used with permission (a first for this fic.) Otherwise, I'm not responsible for many of the characters portrayed herein. I got the Code of Chivalry from http://www.astro.umd.edu/~marshall/chivalry.html.  
  
OK, the contest to figure out the origins of Tag and Bink is now over:  
  
Tag and Bink were featured in a two-issue Star Wars comic book miniseries entitled "Tag and Bink Are Dead." They were in the background, and actually moved "A New Hope" and "The Empire Strikes Back" along. If you like Star Wars, and enjoy my peculiar brand of comedy, see if you can find this comic book series!  
  
And now, on with the Show!  
  
* * *  
  
It had been nearly a week since Phil's ill-fated battle with Thor. In that time, given the lack of godly opponents, whichever team managed to select Phil first won. Phil was bored stiff, and was doing what he could to get transferred to the Grand Kai's place. (Phil knew that he could probably beat Pikon and the other dead martial artists, but it would be a lot more challenging then "clubbing baby seals," as he referred to his fights with the Vikings.)  
  
Mamoru, or "Pansy" as he was now known, had yet to break his record; in battle, he was little more than a notch on Sigfried's belt.  
  
And King Arthur Pendragon was beginning to get discouraged. A week of constant tutoring and nagging had yet to eliminate Phil's bad habit it vaporizing hundreds of soldiers on either side with a casual gesture. So, all of the Vikings were beginning to become despondent. Those opposed to Phil because he was completely immune to any attacks they launched, and those with Phil because they didn't get to fight any more.  
  
So, Arthur was at wit's end. "No no no! For the last time, thou must respect all weaknesses!"  
  
Phil looked up from his leg of boar. "Where does it say that?"  
  
In response, Arthur pulled out a chalkboard. Written on it were The Ten commandments of Chivalry. And they read as follows:  
  
I. Thou shalt believe all that the Church teaches, and shalt observe all its directions.  
  
II. Thou shalt defend the church.  
  
III. Thou shalt respect all weaknesses, and shalt constitute thyself the defender of them.  
  
IV. Thou shalt love the country in which thou wast born.  
  
V. Thou shalt not recoil before the enemy.  
  
VI. Thou shalt make war against the Infidel without cessation, and without mercy.  
  
VII. Thou shalt perform scrupulously thy feudal duties, if they be not contrary to the laws of God.  
  
VIII. Thou shalt never lie, and shall remain faithful to thy pledged word.  
  
IX. Thou shalt be generous, and give largess to everyone.  
  
X. Thou shalt be everywhere and always the champion of the Right and the Good against Injustice and Evil.  
  
Phil went down the list. "OK, I'll go with numbers... II, V, and sometimes X."  
  
Despite the fact that he had died several hundred years before Anime was a glimmer in a Japanese artist's mind, Arthur performed a perfect Demon- Head maneuver. His head swelled up to several dozen times its normal size, and the background was mysteriously replaced by a bright red. In a very loud and booming voice, he said, "THOU CANST NOT PICK AND CHOOSE FROM AMONG THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CHIVALRY!"  
  
Phil waved it off. "Why not? There isn't a commandment against it."  
  
Arthur paused. "Thou hast a point, Squire Phil. But no matter! I gave my word that I would teach you chivalry, and chivalry you shall learn!"  
  
Phil went back over the list. "Y'know, most people don't just blindly follow the Church anymore. Nor do any but the most extreme radicals feel the need to crush the infidels. These are really outdated, unless you'd like me to Final Flash the Holy Land into a featureless wasteland. Also, I don't have a feudal lord, nor have I ever had one." Taking out an eraser, Phil wiped out the offending commandments.  
  
Arthur smacked Phil across the face. It hurt the British King's hand more than it did the genetically engineered warrior. Rubbing his wounded hand, Arthur considered. "No, the Commandments stay as they are. However, I may change the code once I hath had a chance to study thy world. (Author's Note: Yeah, right.) Now, thou shalt write each commandment fifteen times, so that thou might remember them." Grumbling, Phil went to work.  
  
Arthur decided to take a quick walk to clear his mind. Arthur quietly breathed a sigh of relief. "It art fortunate that my Squire hath not realized that I lack the strength to force his hand. I simply wish that I might be given such strength as he."  
  
"Oh really."  
  
Arthur practically jumped out of his armor. Quickly unsheathing Excalibur, he spun to face his assailant.  
  
The figure was clad in a skintight, green body suit. He wore a yellow crown atop his head, and a cape of a darker green than his suit billowed behind him.  
  
The British king looked at the figure with a confused look. "Loki? What dost thou desire?"  
  
"Why, to help YOU of course, dear Pendragon. You desired power to match your student, so that you could force him to follow your directives. Correct?"  
  
"Aye. I spoke in such a manner." Arthur sheathed his sword. "What dost thou propose?"  
  
Loki waved his hand. A stray beam of light was reshaped into a globe. The Norse God of Mischief and Chaos grinned. "You have dedicated yourself to teach Phil, one of the least honorable souls in existence, the ways of Chivalry. A truly laudable goal, but most likely an unattainable one."  
  
Arthur considered this. "So, thou sayest that my quest is impossible?"  
  
Loki shook his head. "No. For SOME souls, it would be impossible. Phil, on the other hand, is basically a good person. However, a trauma in his childhood erected a series of barriers in his mind. He is convinced that if anyone gets too close, he'll only be hurt again. So, he attempts to keep everyone at arms length through pranks and biting sarcasm." Loki waved his left hand, and an image of a green haired woman that Arthur didn't recognize appeared "Thus far, the only person who has come close to penetrating said barrier is Galaxy Police Officer First Class Kione. She has not yet succeeded, but the seeds of true affection are being planted. He seeks to be the best martial artist in the world because it was his father's hope for him. Also, he desires to become the most powerful so that he can defend himself and those that he cares about."  
  
"So, what we have here is a corrupted soul. Teaching him chivalry might eliminate said corruption, and I believe that purifying him would make the world a better place."  
  
Arthur grew suspicious. "I hath read of thy exploits, Loki. You care nothing for humanity or Midgard."  
  
Loki adopted a hurt look. "Really, Pendragon. I'm not cruel; I simply enjoy a prank as much as the next God of Mischief. If I can perform an act both for my own amusement AND humanity's benefit, all the better." He spun the globe and focused. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then, a number of countries glowed a bright orange. They included England, Ireland, Australia, the Eastern United States and Canada, India and South Africa. "I know your desire, Arthur, son of Uther. You wish to hold the mantle of King once again. And, I can make you King of England once again, Pendragon. And so much more than that."  
  
Arthur was very intrigued. "What art that strange ball?"  
  
Loki rolled his eyes. "Ah, yes. I forgot. This map is a little before your time." With another wave of his hand, the globe was replaced by a roll of parchment. Upon it was a map of England, Ireland and a few sections of Europe. "This was the world in which you lived. All of your mighty battles, your great exploits, were all focused on an insignificant island in the northern Atlantic. A few of your Knights journeyed to the Holy Land, but you yourself were rather stationary." A gestured again, and the scrap of parchment slowly shrank back into another globe. "The countries highlighted in orange are the former possessions of the British Empire." Arthur's eyes bugged out of his head. Loki grinned. His thoughts were along the lines of "And now to reel him in."  
  
Arthur stammered. "All that... under British rule?" He was angry that he had missed such a glorious time to be King!  
  
"It was. Thanks to a couple of devastating World Wars and a series of rebellions, most of these territories became independent." Loki waved his hand, and the map disappeared. "Now, it has taken me more than a week to prepare this proposal for you. I've had to ask permission from the head Gods of each Pantheon, from Zeus to Odin. I have a wager. You will be sent to Earth in a form able to match Phil's strength exactly. You will have the rest of his mortal life to teach him the Code of Chivalry. Should you succeed before his death, I will make you King of an equivalently sized Empire. In fact, I've been authorized to offer you the rest of Europe to compensate you for the loss of America. Should you fail, however, you become my slave for the next million years." Arthur looked a little crestfallen at this. Loki sighed. "Arthur, if you truly think you can be successful, then you have nothing to fear. Besides, when one's soul is immortal, one finds that a million years passes very quickly." The Norse God of Mischief handed Arthur a pen and a contract.  
  
Arthur took the pen from Loki's hand. He considered. He attempted to remember his education; now, how much had Merlin said that a million was? A thousand thousand? That sounded right. And Loki was correct; the past seven hundred years that he had spent in Valhalla had passed very quickly.  
  
He hesitated. Was he, a King, really ready to risk his freedom for another? Loki had admitted that the odds were against him, but that it was doable.  
  
And the Norse God had also stated that teaching Phil chivalry would benefit not only the Policeman, but also the entire world. And, according to Commandment X, was he not bound to be a champion of Right and Good, even when the situation was hopeless? It was his DUTY to sign that contract.  
  
Very quickly, Arthur scratched out his name. The British King was a bit embarrassed by his shoddy penmanship, but decided that it was because he hadn't written since he had come to Valhalla.  
  
Loki snapped his fingers. "It is done. Have a nice life, Arthur Pendragon." Loki snapped his fingers, and for both Arthur and Phil, the world went black.  
  
* * *  
  
Phil returned to consciousness very gradually. First of all, he was aware of wetness. Then, he felt a breathing mask across his face. Slowly, ever so slowly, he opened his eyes.  
  
Which Phil thought was unusual, considering that he hadn't ordered his eyes to open.  
  
Phil moaned, and thought, "Where am I?"  
  
Phil did a double take when he heard two VERY familiar voices utter the same thing.  
  
"Who said that?" For several moments, there was no response.  
  
Then, he heard a familiar, feminine voice. "Oh God no. Not YOU again."  
  
Phil's eyes widened. "IO!? What the hell are you doing here!?"  
  
Arthur's tenor voice resounded through Phil's head. "Squire, thou should not speak thusly to a lady."  
  
Phil realized that both Io and Arthur's voices weren't being heard by his ears. They were coming from inside his head.  
  
Then, Phil felt the familiar link with his symbiote. "What the... no! This can't be! There CAN'T be four of us in here!"  
  
Io, taking control of one of Phil's hands, knocked on the panel before them. Seizing Phil's voice, she said, "Hello? Is anyone there?"  
  
Responding to the touch, the panel slid away. Phil sat up, and suddenly a week's worth of bedsores and cramped muscles caught up with him. "Ouchie." The heated liquid that he had been immersed in poured around their feet, as the stasis chamber slid from a horizontal position to a vertical. Looking around, Phil saw that they were in Washuu's lab.  
  
Arthur was very confused. "Where art thou, Phil? And who art Io?"  
  
Phil rubbed their temples. "Arthur, why do I get the feeling that this is your fault?"  
  
The British King replied, "Well, I was having a nice little chat with Loki, and..."  
  
As Arthur told the tale of his contract with the Mischief God, Phil became very frustrated. "Arthur, YOU IDIOT! I wouldn't have thought that ANYBODY was dumb enough to deal with Loki, but I was sadly mistaken!"  
  
Io kept looking around. "Huh? Who's talking?"  
  
Phil growled. "Io, meet your new roommate. He's Arthur Pendragon, hero of legend, former king of the Britons, yada yada yada."  
  
"King of the who?"  
  
Arthur was so shocked that he didn't speak. EVERYONE was supposed to know who he was! Phil, on the other hand, went on to more important tasks. "Io, although I hate to repeat myself, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"  
  
The Senshi of Io responded thusly; "I've been training for the past ten thousand years for one purpose: vengeance! Phil, for destroying Planet X, and for slaying my Mother, you die now!" Io attempted to strangle Phil. The Saiyan hybrid struggled to stop that from happening. For several moments, there was a stalemate. Then Arthur, taking control of the other hand, grabbed Phil's right, thus stopping Io from committing suicide. Meanwhile, the symbiote was very confused. What had happened to its host, to make it's mind shatter into three pieces?  
  
  
  
Phil, consumed by anger and confusion, let the changes of the Super Saiyan state run over him. "Now everyone calm down! From the looks of it, we're going to be together for a VERY long time, and we need to reach a compromise! But first, what the hell happened?"  
  
"I can answer that."  
  
For a few brief moments, Io, Arthur and Phil were linked in action. They attempted (rather unsuccessfully) to jump out of their collective skin. Once again, Loki was before them.  
  
Phil balled his hands into fists. Then, he raised his right index finger and began to poke Loki in the chest. "What... the... hell... is... going... on... here?"  
  
Loki looked at Phil with a look of pure contempt. "Don't bother to threaten me, mortal. We Norse Gods are far stronger than the other Pantheons, so you won't be able to fell me as you did Raiden." From a pocket, Loki pulled the contract that Arthur had signed. After unfolding it, he handed it to Phil, who began to read. Phil noticed that the creases in the paper disappeared instantly. "Arthur signed this nice little paper. Basically, he has to teach you chivalry or become my slave."  
  
Phil's aura grew brighter. "I NEVER SIGNED THAT!"  
  
Loki grinned. "Apparently Odin and the rest never thought that your approval was necessary."  
  
The Norse God of Mischief snatched the contract from Phil's hands, refolded it and returned it to his pocket. "Now, he asked for equal strength to yours. The only problem is that, well, we could give him greater strength, or less, but becoming exactly as strong as somebody is a difficult business. With all of the training you're constantly subjecting yourself to, it would require constant supervision to keep Arthur at exactly your level of power. So, instead, we decided to give him your body. Phil, of course, is still the primary soul, but Arthur has some power to "force his hand."  
  
Io said, "Then why am I here?"  
  
Loki smirked. "You were always there. In most Sailor Senshi, the idea is that the dead Senshi's soul moves in, restructures the host body, and eventually merges with the host's soul. However, the genetic engineering that Phil underwent messed that up. Some merging occurred, but you've really been in stasis since he was born. You're sort of a Siamese- soul: two souls, but very intimately connected. The only reason that you awoke was because Phil found out about you."  
  
Loki grinned. "Now, I must be off. Enjoy your new life, Pendragon!" With that, he teleported away.  
  
Phil's forlorn scream could be heard for miles.  
  
End Part 39  
  
Next Time: While You Were Out. 


	40. One by One, the Penguins Steal My Sanity

Part 40

"One by One, the Penguins Steal My Sanity."

By BobCat

Disclaimer: I believe that it was Descartes who said that nobody ever has original ideas; they simply combine previously existing concepts to make a "new" thing.  Thus, I maintain that by using others' "original" characters, I'm simply being more honest than most.  So there!  

               Also, I'm borrowing Toltir and Mimir's well from Metroanime, but I'm not using them too much.

               Author's note: I would like to take a moment to mourn the retirement of fanfiction author Metroanime.  He created the infamous Bet, and was the most prolific Ranma ½ author I've ever encountered.  There are those who follow trends, and those who blaze them; he was a trailblazer.  Metroanime, may the wind be ever at your back, and may you soon be able to return to the fanfiction you love so well.  If you aren't familiar with him, take a look at my favorites section!

               Thank you.

*                                                                         *                                                          *

               Phil wasn't having a very good day.

               He didn't so much mind being brought back to life.  After all, as previously stated, he found Valhalla boring.  A nice place to visit, but he wouldn't want to live there.*  

               What really bugged Phil was that, once again, Fate was having a joke at his expense.  He had been involved in a two minds to one body arrangement with Io ten thousand years back.  He didn't look back on it fondly.  

               And now he was stuck with an extreme case of multiple personality disorder, involving a Sailor Senshi who had a pathological hatred of him, an alien symbiote with a taste for spleens and a stuffy British King who wanted to suck all of the fun out of his life.

               Phil had to get them out of his head.

               Io glared at Phil.  "I know your thoughts, and I'm not going unless I take you with me, murderer!"

               "For the last time, you stupid bitch, it wasn't me!  Just scan my memories and you'll see!"

               "Hah!  I'm not falling for that trick!"

               Phil groaned.  This was going to be difficult.  

               Arthur wore a smug expression.  Phil knew this because Pendragon had seized control of his face and had contorted it into an arrogant smirk.  "Well, Squire, now we can begin thy lessons in the code of Chivalry.  After all, the sooner that thou lernest the code, the sooner I leave thy body and regain my throne."

               Phil blinked.  Was it really that simple?  From previous experience, he knew that he could overwhelm Io.  However, Arthur's presence could tip the balance in her favor, if the two of them got coordinated.  Would learning Chivalry be that bad?  "So, uh, what exactly would that require?"

               "Thou must respect the weaknesses of others, be polite and generous to all those who do not threaten thee or those under thy protection and obey the commands of the Church."

               OK, so it would be pretty bad.  That would mean no more pranks, no more starting fights for no good reason and he'd have to convert to Catholicism.  But, he realized that it would be better for his sanity, such as it was, to remove Arthur's influence.  "OK, fine.  I can go along with it.  Care to write out a contract?"

               "Hast thou parchment and a quill?"

               "We use paper and pens these days.  And yes, I have both."

*                                                                                        *                                                                         *

               On another plane of existence...

               Loki was a happy Mischief God.  For one thing, he had tricked his first mortal in centuries.  For another, he would get a servant for the next million years.

               And all it had required was a little basic character study and approval to reshape a mortal reality.  In the case of FC-1, a universe already in flux, it was simple enough.  

               He chuckled to himself.  And he had managed to trick a Legendary Hero into taking on an impossible task.  And, in compliance with the rules of the "Big Guy Upstairs," he hadn't even needed to lie at all.  Now to go rub it in Toltir's face.  Damned cat; he'd show him who the real God of Mischief was!

               Walking into the plane that held Mimir's well, Loki smirked with disdain at the figure before him.  Sitting before the well was a black cat.  However, it was no ordinary cat; Toltir was a God at least as strong as Loki.  He was a self ordained God of Mischief, and often implied that Loki wasn't.  Something about "Mischief has rules."  Loki snorted.  God of Chaos indeed!  "Alright Toltir, move aside.  I'm using the well."  Mimir's well was the Asgardian alternative to television.  It could view any point in the multiverse at any time in history, and those actively involved in Midgard, such as Loki and Toltir, often used it to keep tabs on their little "projects."

               The cat raised his eyebrow.  "Oh?  Would this involve your wager with Pendragon?"

               Loki started.  How did Toltir know?  "Er, yeah.  How do you know?"

               "Oh, I was just watching it.  Phil's about to sign a contract that means that he's giving in to Arthur."

               Loki fumed.  Literally.  Smoke was wafting off of his body, as his rage took on a physical manifestation in the form of flame.  This couldn't be happening!  He'd know defeat before, but never in the first five minutes of the competition!  "WHAT?!  NOT ON MY WATCH!"  In his rage, Loki practically ripped open a portal.  As his enchanted clothes struggled to not burst into flame, Loki angrily stomped through the hole in reality.

               Toltir chortled.  The Norse God had always been SO easy to manipulate.  He started purring as he watched the rippling surface of Mimir's well.  "This ought to be interesting."

*                                                                         *                                                                         *

               Phil read the hastily scrawled contract in his hand.  "I, the undersigned, do hereby swear to obey all of the dictates of the Code of Chivalry, in accordance with Arthur Pendragon's contract with the Norse God Loki.  OK, fine."  Taking the blue pen, he began to write.  "P... H... I..."

               At that moment, Loki popped out of a hole in the space time continuum.  "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He smacked Phil's wrist, sending the pen falling to the ground.

               Phil rubbed his injured hand.  "Ouch!  What was that for?"

               Loki quivered with rage.  "You weren't supposed to give in to Pendragon!  You love your freedom, remember?  You're supposed to be opposed to Monarchy and the very idea of Chivalry!  You fought all of the Sailor Senshi and risked death at the hands of Queen Serenity fighting for freedom from Monarchs!!"

               Phil shrugged.  "Well, I don't get any benefit from holding out against Arthur, and the sooner he leaves, the sooner I can get back to suppressing Io's personality."

               The Senshi exclaimed, "You won't get rid of me that easily!"

               Speaking as one would to a difficult toddler, Phil said, "You go sleep-sleep now."  Concentrating for a moment, Phil rendered his troublesome split personality unconscious.  

               Loki pondered this, scratching his chin.  "Well, I offered Arthur the title of King of England and the entire British Commonwealth if he won the bet.  What if I were to give you that position until such time as he does?"

               Phil considered this.  Sure, he was in favor of democracy, but then again, the King of England was more a figurehead than anything else.  He saw little to gain in the arrangement.  Seeing the desperate look on Loki's face, Phil decided to use that as leverage.  In a sly tone, he said, "I dunno... That Magna Carta** thing really limits any power I might have..."

               Loki waved his hand dismissively.  "Consider it gone."

               Phil pumped his arm.  "Yes!  Being a Super Saiyan is great, but I've always wanted political power!"  

               Arthur paled.  "What in the name of God dost thou think thou art doing?  Thou art signing away my victory, Squire!"

               "Hey, I got a better offer."

               Arthur shook his fist at Phil.  "Well, I shall win!  As soon as thou art the slightest bit noble, then I shall be the victor!"

               Phil blinked.  A thought had just occurred to him.  "Loki, we never found out before; what kind of restrictions are there?  I mean, I stop being the unquestioned ruler of the British Empire once I start being chivalrous.  What kind criteria are there?"

               Loki smacked his forehead.  "Oops.  I knew I forgot something in that little contract of mine.  Well, I suppose that in order to win, Arthur must get Phil to be polite to Ayeka for a full week.  Not just staying out of her way, mind you.  He has to be civil in both mind and tongue, as well as holding the door for her and other mannerly activities.  Now that we've dealt with THAT little misunderstanding, do we have a deal?"

               "Not only yes, but hell yes!"

               "Well then.  G'bye."  In a puff of red smoke, Loki disappeared.

               Phil smirked.  "Long live the King."

               Arthur laughed nervously.  "Heh heh heh.  I art sure that thou canst beat that wager in a week!"

               Phil's smirk intensified.  "For one thing, I profit more by helping Loki win.  For another, you've obviously never met Ayeka."

               Arthur was aghast.  "But... but I art both thy master Knight and thy ancestor!"

               Phil shrugged.  "I never agreed to any of this.  Besides, without that nasty little Magna Charta thing restricting my powers, it's good to be King.  And another thing; no more of this "Squire" stuff.  You shall refer to me as "Majesty," "Liege," " Lord," etc."

               "I shall do no such thing!"

               "Whatever."  That was when Phil realized why he was going to sign Arthur's contract in the first place; to avoid the possibility of angry revolt by Arthur and Io.  Phil slapped his forehead in frustration.  "D'oh!"  Phil decided that he needed to placate Arthur.  "But, seeing as how I've never been a King before, I'll make you my top advisor.  OK?"

               Arthur attempted to glare at Phil, but only succeeded in crossing his eyes.  "That shall do, Squire.  For now.  I hath given my word that I would learn Chivalry, and Chivalry you shall learn!"

               "Agreed."

               By this time, Io was awake.  "Ugh.  What hit me?"

               Phil raised his hand.  "That would be me."

               Io massaged their temples.  "Not again!  You murderous fiend!  You destroyed my home, and I shall do all that I can do to stop you from harming more people!"  She addressed Arthur, as she saw him as a potential ally.  "So, Arthur, what happened?"

               Arthur sighed.  "A Chaos God just gave Phil control of the British Empire."

               "D'oh!  Then I must fight even harder to rid the world of your evil!  Kaio-Ken!"  With that phrase, Phil was surrounded by a red aura.

               Phil was quite surprised.  "What the hell?"  His amazement grew more when his own hand moved with a speed that he had trouble tracking to lock around his neck.  "Ack!"  As Phil's hand started to choke the life from Phil's body, he managed to focus some Chi.  Phil's hair began to stand on end and shift to a yellow color, while his eyes lost their pupils.  After a few moments, an aura of yellow flame exploded to life around Phil's body, except for the rebellious hand.  The loyal appendage, the right hand, swiftly lashed out and grabbed its twin by the wrist.  After a brief struggle, Phil forced away Io's clutching hand.  Phil struggled with his left hand.  "Where... the... hell... did... you... learn... that?"

               Io responded, "From King Kai!  I've trained for the last ten thousand years in grueling conditions to destroy the evil that is you!"

               The Super Saiyan then proceeded to punch himself in the gut, sending all three to the ground.  He landed on his rear end, and the shock caused his aura to collapse.  Phil's breathing was ragged.  "Io... for the last... time... it... wasn't... me.  It was Serenity.  Like Loki said, we're connected on a very deep level.  You know when I'm lying and when I'm being truthful."

               Arthur scratched their head.  "What art thou talking about?"

               Phil sighed and rolled his eyes upward.  "Io here seems to have this silly idea that I destroyed the Moon Kingdom, of which she was a part."  Phil addressed Io, hoping to crack through her stubborn rage.  "Io, it wasn't my fault that the Moon Kingdom was destroyed, and even without me it would have fallen.  It was my responsibility as an officer of the Physics Police to maintain the timeline.  As for your previous accusations, it wasn't my fault that Planet X blew up; there was no way Tag should have been able to block that last blast.  I feel really bad about it, though, so I have been doing my best to make up for it.  And again, the Senshi are alive and well.  I didn't kill your mother, Sailor Jupiter.  In fact, if you like, you can meet her, although she is younger than us and probably wouldn't remember you yet."

               Tears welled up in Io's eyes.  For the past ten millennia, she had worked with one goal; to slay Phil for what he had done.  Yet, he was correct; she sensed no deception on his part, and it did make sense.  She was silent, considering what this meant for her. 

               A little pseudopod from the symbiote tapped Phil's shoulder.  Although it didn't speak in words, Phil could sense its worry and confusion.  Using the Force, he attempted to transmit calm, soothing emotion to the symbiote.  Oddly enough, both the alien clothing and the weeping Senshi were pacified.

               Phil rolled his eyes.  Women and spleen-eating aliens were SO emotional!  "Now, if we're done with the soap opera, I really need to figure out how long I've been gone and what happened while I was out.  Besides, I think we can all go for a good, hot meal and a brew."

               The symbiote twitched hopefully.  "Spleen?"

               "NO!"  The alien symbiote started pouting.  Phil tapped his wristwatch.  "Jack?  This is Phil.  Transport for one to home base."  As soon as the words were out of Phil's mouth, a red and white portal opened.  Stepping through the opening, Phil left universe FC-1.

*                                                                                        *                                                                         *

               Ten Minutes Later

               Physics Police HQ

               Sector 3 Cantina

               Io looked at the sign.  She didn't recognize the English, German, Japanese or Huttese versions of the "Physics Police HQ: Sector 3 Cantina" sign.  However, the Senshi could read the line of Old Correlian, which she had learned from a Correlian trader.  She was confused.  "Physics Police?  Who're they?"

               Phil moaned.  "For the LAST time, I am!  Remember?  I've identified myself as a Physics Policeman on several occasions in your presence."

               "Oh."  Io blinked in confusion.  "Uh, what do you do" 

               Phil simply stated, "Well, our basic job is to keep the amount of Chaos in the universe down to a bare minimum."

               Arthur said sarcastically, "What art thy problem?  Thou dost little BUT make chaos."

               Phil shook his head.  "Hey, it's not my fault.  I keep getting in these compromising situations.  In fact, none of this is my fault.  It can all be traced to a guy under my authority named Ralph.  I'll tell you about it later."

               Io queried, "So, what is this?"

               Phil smirked, unable to resist.  "You'll never find a more foul hive of scum and villainy.  Just keep an eye out."  Io was a little afraid.  Being the sheltered daughter of a Sailor Senshi in a time when even the most street-wise person was somewhat naive, she was unused to such surroundings.  Phil, sensing this, said, "Naw, I'm just kidding.  It's basically the local pub."

               Arthur perked up.  It had been nearly an hour since he'd last had a beer!  Arthur exclaimed, "Then what art thou waiting for?  Let us go!"

               As they walked in, the metal detector identified the various weapons and equipment he carried.  This normally would have sounded an alarm, but Phil swiped his Physics Police ID through a depression in the wall.  After a few seconds of whirring and clicking, the machine confirmed his identity and let him pass.

               Whoever had designed this place had obviously been inspired by Chalmun's Cantina in Mos Eisley.  For one thing, a group of pink aliens with bulbous heads and jet black eyes played a jazzy tune in the background.  Phil wasn't sure whether the Bith musicians were really Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes or just very good imitators, but he decided it really didn't matter.

               For another, the bartender serving the sundry alcoholic beverages was Wuher himself.  Phil actually had a pretty good relationship with the man, as he was one of the few semi-regulars who paid his tab on a regular basis.

               The final thing that truly recreated the mood of the Star Wars Cantina was the dankness.  Wuher kept the place well within the various health codes that the Physics Police had set, but it was still rather dank.  

               Phil sat at the counter.  Wuher was cleaning out a mug with a washcloth.  Phil guessed it was a force of habit, considering the advanced dishwasher that Phil knew that the bar had.  He placed a couple of credit chits on the counter.  "Hey, Wuher.  Gimme a pint of Ambrosia."  

               Arthur blinked.  "A bar that carries the nectar of the Gods themselves?  You "Physics Police" certainly know how to live."

               The stout, ugly man placed the golden elixir before Phil.  Phil took a draught.  "So, Wuher, what's edible today?"

               Wuher thought about it.  "Well, if you want something quick, there's the Womp Rat Stew..."

               Phil leveled a heavy lidded glare at him.  "I'm not some tourist, Wuher."

               The bartender held up his hands in a conciliatory gesture.  "OK, OK.  Look, I got some Beef stew or the Philly Steak Sandwich.  I'd take the sandwich, since the main difference between the Beef and the Womp Rat is about three credits on the menu.  Besides, the way O'Connor's been talking, you'll wanna get out of here real quick."

               Phil raised an eyebrow.  "Oh really?"

               Wuher whistled.  "I dunno what you did, but he came in here last night mumbling about "illegal power-ups" and "massive space-time rifts."  What'd you do?"

               Phil shuddered.  "I'd rather not talk about it."  He sucked down the rest of his Ambrosia.  Wuher handed him the sandwich, wrapped in a paper sack.  "Well, see ya later."

               A few minutes later, Phil was walking down a hallway, headed for the barracks often shared with Ralph.  That was when he bumped into Joe, an officer in Phil's division.  "Scuse me, Joe."

               The man's eyes widened.  "Phil, where the hell have you been!?  The Chief's about ready to hire Boba Fett or something!  Everyone thinks you're dead!"

               "I was."

               Joe blinked.  "How the... oh, yeah.  This is you we're talking about.  But look; we gotta get you out of here before..."

               Suddenly, Phil heard very loud footsteps.  They echoed through the metallic floor and walls of the hallway.  Accompanying the angry footfalls was very loud breathing.  

               Joe quickly darted through a nearby door.  "It's been nice knowin' ya!"

               Chief O'Connor rounded the corner, his footfalls echoing throughout level three.  Phil, feeling an odd energy disturbance centered around the Alec Trebec look alike, decided to use his Scouter.  He blinked.  Even though O'Connor was from a Class T universe, his Power Level was about five thousand.  Phil gulped.  "Uh oh.  I think the Chief may be just a little angry."

               Arthur and Io were both confused.  Io, unaccustomed to alcohol, was still muddled.  It was Arthur who said, "Why art thou afraid?  A true Knight never knows fear!  Who art this man, that sends such fear into thy warrior heart?"

               Phil responded dryly, "My boss."

               "Thou art, at least for the time being, the King of England!  Thou hast no 'boss'!"

               "That goes to show what YOU know."

               O'Connor was frothing at the mouth.  Very slowly, with ever increasing volume, he said, "Phil.  DO.  YOU.  REALIZE.  WHAT.  YOU'VE.  DONE?!"

               Phil backed away, hoping to bump into a handy laundry chute or elevator.  No such luck.  "Um, No?"

               Enraged by Phil's flip response, O'Connor grabbed him by the front of his shirt.  "WRONG ANSWER!  YOU!  MY OFFICE!  NOW!"  Before the confused Policeman could respond, the Chief was bodily hauling Phil through the sea of tan cubicles into O'Connor's office.

               Phil found himself shoved into a wheeled chair.  The chubby police chief started pacing.

               "Phil, where the hell have you been!?  Do you have any idea how long you've been gone?"

               "Uh, no.  Being in a coma does that to you."

               "A coma?"

               "Yeah.  Y'see, Sailor Pluto used her Time Staff to send me back in time after I refused to get involved with Chibi Ryoko..."

               "Who?"

               Phil sighed.  "She's apparently friends with Omi and GoChibi.  She's the daughter of Tenchi and Ryoko.  She's from the future, and Sailor Pluto was worried that she'd destabilize the timeline.  I remained neutral and that green haired slut sent me to the past, where I met up with my past life, Sailor Io."  Phil ignored the Chief's barely stifled laughter.  "Well, to make a long story short, we died and I ended up in Valhalla.  While there, I met Arthur Pendragon and he made a bet with Loki; he's trying to teach me Chivalry."

               O'Connor broke out into full blown laughter.  After a few moments, he started wiping the tears from his eyes.  All traces of rage had melted away as he giggled helplessly.  After a few moments, he managed, "I'm sorry, Phil; it's just that you always manage to get into the most hilarious situations.  Where is Pendragon?"

               "Well, he and Io are currently camping out in my mind.  Oh, and Loki made me the King of the British Empire in FC-1.  Of course, he added a few things, but still."

               O'Connor's eye twitched.  "That would explain THAT particular shift... well, I can't do a thing about it, if it was Loki."  O'Connor muttered, "Damned Class A-1 Deity License."  O'Connor checked the screen of his laptop.  "Now, what's this I hear about you becoming a Super Saiyan?"

               Phil nodded.  "I found out about the Eugenics Program shortly after Princess Ayeka got me really peeved and I achieved that state."

               "Well, we can't be having any more of that."

               "WHAT?!"

               O'Connor shrugged.  "Well, you just don't have the license to go Super.  Sorry."

               Now it was time for Phil's eye to twitch.  "What?  I go through all the training, the suffering, the risking my life and I'm not allowed to use the power that the massive genetic engineering program gave me?!"

               "Well, I've already started the paperwork, but, well, the licensing department has more important things to worry about.  It could take years."

               "But you didn't complain about me going Mystical!  I even have the licensing for that!"

               O'Connor nodded.  "True.  But the Mystical Powerup uses manna and requires a class B-2 Mage License.  The Super Saiyan state needs a Class A-1 Chi warrior's license.  You have an A-4, which applies to your normal state.  It'll take a while for the upgrade."  He made a few queries on his laptop.  "I see that Io's Super Saiyan license is still good for another thousand years, though."

               Phil blinked.  He decided to ignore this nonsensical statement, as it gave him a major loophole.  "So, she and I are one.  That means that I can go Super.  Problem solved."

               "Only when you're female.  That's how the legal department ruled."

               "You know about my curse?"  Phil moaned. 

               "Indeed.  Some surveillance photos of you are becoming very popular as pinups."  Phil moaned, but the Chief ignored it.  O'Connor gathered his thoughts.  "Phil, I'm going to say this as nicely as possible; you aren't doing your job."

               "What're you talking about?  I handled those nasty incidents with Cell and Ultron well enough!"

               O'Connor lost his amused tone.  "Yes, but you and those around you have been breaking the laws of Physics left and right!  Fusion Dances, Flight, training at 2,000 times Earth's gravity... I'm putting some restrictions on your actions, and I want you and the rest of SU5 to crack down a bit more.  Things are OK as is, but it could be a LOT better.  Make sure that you get everyone licensed for their various super powers."

               Phil leaned back in his chair.  "So, what's been going on while I was out?"

               "I'll leave the debriefing up to Ralph.  Remember; "Shore Leave" is now over until further notice.  As you are the King of England, you'll need to take some time out to deal with those duties, but try to make up your top priority.  Understand?"  Phil nodded.  "Dismissed."

               As Phil left, he wondered why he'd gotten off so easy, considering just how angry his boss had been.  Arthur lightly teased him for being so afraid of the man.  Phil slapped himself, earning him a few odd looks from bystanders.  The rest of his walk to the transporter room was uneventful.

               The reason for the Chief's leniency was an e-mail that he had received during the conversation.  It was delivered from Sailor Pluto, who had done a bit of checking in Phil's immediate future.  It was a detailed synopsis of Phil's life over the next few months.  Skimming it, O'Connor had gone easy on Phil since he decided that his subordinate's life would soon be punishment enough.  After all, killing him would be too easy.

                                                                           End Part 40

               A note on pronouns: Phil is either a he or she, depending upon the fluctuations of the Jusenkyo curse.  Arthur is always a he, and Io is always a she.

               And now, the footnotes...

               * I bet that took some of you a minute to get that.

               ** A document signed by Prince John of England (the same guy from Robin Hood) that signed away a good portion of the monarchy's power to the other nobility.  It is considered by some the beginning of modern democracy, and was one of the first attempts in history to significantly limit the powers of the King of a nation.  Get rid of it, and you end up with the King's word being law.  Hence, Phil would want it gone for his own gain.


	41. While You Were Out

Part 41  
  
While You Were Out  
  
By BobCat  
  
Disclaimer: Only the ways that I use these characters are original (I hope I hope I hope). So, I'm not using this for taxable income (unless the IRS starts collecting for personal enjoyment). There, that ought to get the lawyers off of my back.  
  
Above a rock quarry near the Masaki Shrine...  
  
Omi felt the punch a moment before her eyes managed to track the source of the blow. The attack caught her in the gut, and her eyes bulged out slightly. Wreathed in golden energy, her assailant didn't let up, following the devastating punch with a spin-kick that hit her across the face. The green haired girl went flying into the bedrock at her feet, sending stone and wooden shrapnel flying.  
  
The attacker smirked as Omi struggled to free herself from the hole in the ground. "Oh, come now. After all of the effort that the vaunted eugenics program put into your line I was expecting a little more effort than this."  
  
"Kaio-Ken!" For a brief moment Omi was surrounded by an aura of red flame. Faster than most organisms could blink, Omi faded away and reappeared behind her attacker. Using all of the strength granted her by the proper combination of human, Saiyan and Juraian genes, she lashed out with a devastating double fisted blow. The blow was a bull's-eye, hitting her opponent in the back of her head. There was an audible crack as a punch that would have shattered mountains connected with the unyielding surface of the golden warrior's head.  
  
Omi cursed under her breath. She berated her weakness. "She didn't even notice that attack!" She would have considered denigrating herself, except she became more concerned with dodging Chi bolts. Only a combination of instinct, luck and the Kaio-Ken allowed her to avoid being struck. The bolts of concentrated life energy flew down into a rocky outcropping below, consuming several tons of stone in a fraction of a second.  
  
Omi placed her hands together. They glowed with a combination of red and yellow energy. "You won't win that easily! Ho-Oh Senko!" The fiery energy took on the shape of a flying bird as large as her and flew out towards her opponent.  
  
It irked Omi that her foe didn't made no move to block her attack. In fact, she could feel her begin to power down slightly, as if to add insult to injury. The attack washed over the golden haired warrior with seemingly no effect. The smug Super Saiyan smirked again. "Phoenix Flash, eh? That's a new one. Not bad, but I expected more from you."  
  
Omi summoned a black sphere of energy that crackled with red lightning. "Dragon Blast!" Winding up as one would to throw a baseball, she let fly with the attack.  
  
Omi had planned a bit of deception with that last attack. The attack, invented by her father, was designed to look flashy, but didn't do much in the way of actual damage. Hoping to use the opening provided by ball, she zipped in behind her opponent, intent on letting her have it with a Kamehameha.  
  
Omi was surprised when Chibi Ryoko spun about to face her. Before the green haired girl could respond, she found herself in a headlock. After a crack and a hum, a red blade of energy found its way just above her throat. The child prodigy said, "Do you concede?"  
  
Omi glowered. "Fine." With that, Chibi Ryoko's hair went slightly limper, reverted to a cyan color just as her eyes went from turquoise to a catlike yellow. The energy blade dissipated, and Omi found herself free from her friend's grip. "How did you see that coming?"  
  
Chibi Ryoko rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on! That kind of basic deception was the first thing that your dad taught us!"  
  
Omi rubbed the back of her neck. "True. Ouch! Did you really have to hold on so hard?"  
  
Chibi Ryoko shrugged. "I'm not used to fighting someone as weak as you." Omi glared. The other future girl put up her hands in a conciliatory gesture. "Whoa! I'm not saying that you're weak. What basic Saiyan CAN take on someone who's gone Super? Besides, why haven't you been using the Mystical Talent lately? I mean, with that, you could take me on without even trying too hard."  
  
Omi gave a frustrated growl. "Cell, that's why. The Mystical Powerup is a great strength, but it can only carry you so far. You saw what happened; he battered around Pop like he was nothing! I figure that I need to get in touch with my Saiyan side."  
  
Chibi Ryoko suddenly got very nervous. "Um, I hate to point this out to you, but most people have to have somebody die to get to that level. I... I'm your friend, but I'm not QUITE ready to make that kind of sacrifice."  
  
Omi shook her head. "Oh no, I wasn't expecting that. It's just that, well, when Pluto hit Dad with whatever she hit him with... well, I felt a great power within me, struggling to get out. Then, I used the Mystical Talent, and suddenly... it died. The rage that had brought it on didn't go away, but I couldn't touch it again. Only later did I realize what I was on the verge of realizing; the Super Saiyan state. I mean, Mystical Warriors can surpass Super Saiyan levels one and two, but as for levels three and four... well, they kind of blow it out of the water. And if Super Saiyan and Mystical powers can be combined, Dad and Gohan never found out how, so I figure I'm not the one to do it. So, I'm focusing on Super strength."  
  
Chibi Ryoko nodded, understanding. "So, your letting GoChibi and myself beat you up in hopes of allowing you to access the power?"  
  
"Bingo."  
  
"Y'know, there have to be easier ways of doing this."  
  
Omi shrugged. "If you know a better way of doing this, I'd love to hear it."  
  
Suddenly, Chibi Ryoko's watch beeped. The little scientist tapped a few buttons on the wristwatch. "Hmmm. I'm picking up some kind of energy spike. She positioned her wrists in the correct manner, and a holographic laptop computer popped into existence. With a flurry of motion accompanied by various beeping noises, Chibi Ryoko typed a few commands into her computer. "Hmmm. Intriguing. We have an incoming temporal wave."  
  
"A what?" GoChibi had been practicing some aerial maneuvers at higher altitudes while waiting for her friends to stop sparring. Sensing their battle auras fade, she had come down to fight the winner.  
  
Chibi Ryoko tapped a few buttons. "A ripple in the space time continuum. Ah... hold onto your hats, girls! It hits in five, four, three, two..." There was a bright green flash of light, but none of the girls seemed to notice it. "One."  
  
GoChibi glanced about. "What, was that it? I didn't see anything."  
  
Omi looked nervous for a moment. She nervously twisted a lock of her long, purple hair. She'd always loved her hair. She had inherited it from her mother. "I'm still the Princess of the British Empire, right?"  
  
Chibi Ryoko tapped. "Yes, 'Princess,' and your still third in line for the Juraian throne in the event that something should happen to my dad and me."  
  
Omi breathed a sigh of relief. She couldn't LIVE without her titles!  
  
GoChibi was confused. "What was the big deal, anyway? I didn't notice anything."  
  
Chibi Ryoko shrugged. "Well, hypothetically, since we're from the future and everything, we probably wouldn't notice any significant shift, since the past that defines us would have changed before we were even born. Also, nobody from the present would notice any change, since they wouldn't know what to look for. In fact, the only ones who could tell us what was going on would be Phil or Ralph."  
  
The air around Omi shimmered. "Last one back is a bag of Hutt slime!" With an explosion of light, Omi was flying back towards the Masaki Household. She wasn't quite sure why she always did things like this; it was so beneath someone of her station. She supposed that her lowborn father's influence had something to do with it.  
  
* * *  
  
Ralph was currently leafing through his stack of manga. In one of his few moments of peace and quiet, he realized that a little review of the history and future of the universe he was currently occupying might be beneficial. At the moment, he was plagued by indecision. "Ah, what to read? On the one hand, most of the fights lately have been on a Dragon Ball scale, so leafing through a few of those might be useful. On the other, since I'm currently at ground zero for Tenchi's troubles, maybe I should crack out the "No Need for Tenchi" books. Then again, a little Sailor Moon might be a good idea... alas, I love them all, yet I can only read one! What to do?"  
  
At that instant, there was a cracking sound. Ralph, looking for the source of the noise, saw the opening cone of spiraling red and white light. The Jedi sighed upon seeing a very familiar silhouette. With an arcane gesture, the manga were sent back to Ralph's room back at Physics Police HQ. He muttered, "Whenever I try to get some reading in..."  
  
Phil stepped into universe FC-1. With a smile on his face, Phil exclaimed, "Lucy, I'm home!"  
  
Ralph pulled a folder out from his desk and started leafing through it. "Well, "Ricky," you got some 'splainin to do. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?"  
  
Phil, reluctant to tell the sordid tale of his adventures in the past, so he shrugged. "I was in a tube in Washuu's lab."  
  
Ralph gave Phil a half-lidded stare. "Phil, I AM a Jedi. I can always sense a lie. Now, care to try again?"  
  
Phil stroked his chin in a contemplative manner. "OK, where do I start... Well, a long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away..."  
  
* * *  
  
Elsewhere:  
  
Mr. Masaki was confused.  
  
This happened on a regular basis. Living in a house with alien women who had an unexplainable fixation on his teenage son does that to you. To top it off, Phil and his menagerie of weirdoes had moved in nearly two months ago, bringing with them a host of new threats. Chief among them was Chibi Ryoko.  
  
The middle aged man shuddered for a moment. That Ultron thing bugged him the most. Sure, his supposed granddaughter from the future (whose presence he still didn't completely accept or understand) said that she had removed all of the robot's violent tendencies. He had bought that, until he had seen her using him to test a few weapons systems.  
  
On his Toyota Camry.  
  
While he was in it.  
  
When a pair of blue lightning bolts had vaporized the front of his car, he had barely managed to get away before the fuel tank exploded.  
  
Questioning her about it, Chibi Ryoko said that she was toying with what she dubbed a "Particle Projector Cannon," or "PPC," and he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Based on a computer game that she had played once, it utilized a particle accelerator to do its damage, spitting out a stream of ionized particles. It had been a failure, though; "Had the weapons been functioning at peak efficiency," she said, "your car would have been vaporized."  
  
All Mr. Masaki knew was that he wanted to stay the hell away from that Ultron and its mad owner. In fact, he was considering just getting an apartment in Tokyo. It would eliminate the long commute, he could get some sleep without the tranquilizers his doctor had prescribed and he would be able to start dating again without fearing having his date turned into a frog by Washuu. (It had happened twice.) He might miss his son, Tenchi was utterly "corrupted" by his grandfather's influence. After all, any real son of his would have already given in to the charms of any one of his houseguests. He knew that he would have! Even that Phil guy was kind of cute when he was wet...  
  
(FOCUS, MASAKI! FOCUS!)  
  
Mr. Masaki glanced around for several moments, attempting to find the source of the noise. "Er... uh... sorry about that."  
  
But, getting back to the original statement, Mr. Masaki was used to weirdness. So, when he drove up to the house and saw massive amounts of construction going on in what was Shrine property, he almost blew it off. Almost, except that they were excavating a massive pit in his front yard.  
  
He briefly wondered if Washuu was doing something, but he swiftly dismissed the idea. After all, the elder mad scientist of the household preferred to do her work with pocket dimensions and that laptop of hers. These appeared to be just ordinary, run of the mill robots.  
  
Robots? That was unusual. Mr. Masaki was quick to note that they lacked the "cutesy" look and feel of Washuu's machines. The vaguely humanoid machines looked as if they were meant for actual work. Each stood slightly over two meters tall. A few of the robots seemed to have set up a vague perimeter, and they looked to be well armed. Coupled with thick metal plate, the security robots had their right hand replaced with some kind of heavy weapon. Mr. Masaki thought it might have been a laser, but he wasn't sure. Attached to the shoulders of the robot were what appeared to be a pair of missiles. The launchers gave the machines a boxy appearance. Each looked like it could hurt. The right arm ended in a three fingered claw. A menacing looking machine gun was mounted directly beneath the sharp extremity.  
  
Within the pit were similar robots. These looked to lighter designs, as they were shorter and less bulky. However, these seemed to be more maneuverable and their hands bore a closer resemblance to those of humans. A few of the machines were outfitted with drills and shovels. These worked alongside more standard cranes and bulldozers, moving large amounts of soil and rock. The worker robots seemed to be more concerned with setting up supports and laying the occasional demolition charge.  
  
Summoning his meager supply of courage, Mr. Masaki walked towards one of the machines. After all, if it was an alien invasion, he would probably die anyway. He had seen enough science fiction movies to know that the hero's father always died, and judging by how event seemed to revolve around Tenchi, he guessed that his son was the hero.  
  
The idea that Phil might be the hero only occurred to him as a security robot noticed him. Mr. Masaki quickly prayed to whatever deities were listening that he hadn't made a mistake.  
  
When the machine got closer, Mr. Masaki realized that he could see a human face through the faceplate. Through a speaker, he could hear a voice. It sounded like a man about his own age. "I'm sorry, sir, but I'll have to ask you to leave."  
  
The elder Masaki stammered, "B-but this is my yard!"  
  
The man in the armored suit seemed to consider this. "Do not worry, sir. You will have the use of your front yard soon enough."  
  
"Oh." There was an uncomfortable pause. "Um, are you the vanguard for an alien invasion?"  
  
The man sounded confused. "You didn't get the memo?"  
  
Mr. Masaki matched the man's confusion. "What memo?"  
  
"Your house has been declared an embassy for various alien diplomats, so we're here to protect the site."  
  
"Um, are you with some kind of government agency or something?"  
  
"Sorry, that's classified. Now, again, please leave, for your own safety. There are various explosives in use here, as well as heavy machinery that could crush you like an egg. Literally."  
  
Mr. Masaki was slightly less worried. This guy seemed polite enough, which was more than he could say for his houseguests. "So, building something, are you?"  
  
"No, we just like to dig holes." replied the man sarcastically. "In fact, as soon as this is done, we're going to fill it in again and leave like nothing happened. Use your head, man!"  
  
Mr. Masaki realized that the guy wasn't as polite as he had thought. "Um, I'm an architect. Do you need any help designing whatever you're building?"  
  
The trooper was beginning to sound annoyed. "Negative. We have our design. Now, please leave. Or else I will be forced to deal with you as a hostile intruder." An ominous click from the power armor's left arm machine gun gave credence to his threat.  
  
"Um, OK. Just one last thing. Uh, what are you wearing?"  
  
"This is a standard Elemental Class Heavy Battle Armor suit. Unless you would like a demonstration of the Elemental's anti-infantry abilities, I suggest that you leave!" Now the wicked talons of the Power Armor's left hand clenched maliciously.  
  
"Um, yes sir!" As Mr. Masaki scurried back to the house, he decided not to mention this "Elemental" thingy to anyone. After all, if they were an enemy there were multiple heroes in the house to get killed dealing with that kind of thing.  
  
* * *  
  
As Mr. Masaki ran up the stairs to his room, Phil ended his monologue.  
  
"So here I am, with three people struggling for dominance in my head. But I do get to be the King of England."  
  
Ralph sighed. "Well, "Your Highness," do you have any idea just how much damage you've done?"  
  
"Um... I plead the fifth?"  
  
Ralph pulled out a map of the world from a drawer and tacked in onto the wall. "Notice anything different?"  
  
Phil studied it for several moments. Then his eyes widened. "Cool! I'm the King of all of that!? Not just large swaths of African, South American and Asian territory, but all of non-Russian Europe? Woo-hoo!"  
  
Ralph rapped him on the head with a ruler. "Now take another look, and DON'T study your imperial possessions."  
  
Phil looked again. And was swiftly confounded. "What's the 'USNA?'"  
  
"You mean the United States of North America? Well, that, along with the British Commonwealth and the USSR, are the three main superpowers on Earth. As you may notice, among the USNA's possessions include Japan, the Philippines, Cuba and most of South America. Also, Guam and Puerto Rico are full voting members in Congress."  
  
Phil blinked. "Um, Ralph, what exactly happened while I was gone?"  
  
Ralph pulled out a textbook. "Well, as near as I can tell, the divergence occurs in the waning days of World War II. Specifically, in the health and well being of Franklin D. Roosevelt. As you may know, the three major nations of the Allies came together in what became known as the Yalta conference to determine the fate of post-war Europe. In our "baseline" understanding of the event, Roosevelt was ill and would die shortly afterwards. Many historians say that at the time, he was too sick to negotiate effectively, and Stalin took advantage of that to gain more territories for the USSR, causing many of the Cold War's problems. Are you with me so far?" The King of England (AKA Phil) nodded.  
  
"However, in FC-1, Roosevelt wasn't as sickly as he might have been. He still died, but he lived for several months longer than he did in my universe. That extra breathing room made him well enough to negotiate a more favorable agreement with Russia. Basically, the whole concept of East and West Germany never existed here, and a few minor nations remained neutral or democratic."  
  
"Meanwhile, this ripple seems to have given a few British officials in areas such as India and South Africa a more lenient view on local politics. By giving the people equal rights as citizens of the Empire, much of the basis for the revolutionary movements faded away, so India remains the jewel of the British Empire."  
  
"Now, for reasons that I don't feel like getting into, this universal freedom brought about a feeling of European brotherhood. In FC-1, the Euro is celebrating its fortieth birthday. Twenty years ago, the nations of Europe got together and decided to unite under one government. You, by whatever magic Loki employed, ended up being the head of that government. According to a few news reports, you have yet to be crowned King, which means that you haven't been ducking your responsibilities for any length of time. It's a Constitutional Monarchy, where you are restricted by laws set in the European Constitution and are held accountable by Parliament."  
  
Phil's voice muttered angrily, "What trickery art this? Loki hath said that we would have complete power! Who art these peasants, that they would limit the God-Ordained powers of the King!?"  
  
Ralph blinked. "I'm going to assume that that was Arthur. Anyway, from what you told me, Loki said that he would eliminate the Magna Charta. Well, now it's known as the "Declaration of the Enlargement of the Powers of the Nobility." It's the same thing, but with a new name. Loki stuck to the letter of the law, but not the spirit."  
  
The dead British King began a stream of curses that shall not be reprinted here. Phil seized control of his mouth. "Well, that's all well and good. What about America?"  
  
"Well, with the British in such a position of power, America opted not to give up a few parcels of territory. Following the British's lead, they granted full rights to all territories and colonies. As a result, the Japanese, pleased with this increased liberty, opted not to remain independent. We are currently in the "American Protectorate of Japan," under the rule of Governor-General McArthur the Second. America also annexed Canada and Mexico, with a surprisingly large amount of popular support in both nations. I guess Mexico was sick of being led by a bunch of dictators, and Canada didn't think that remaining even nominally loyal to the British Empire was doing them any good. The USSR is about the same, minus Eastern Germany and a few other parcels of land. Also, as the Soviets saw themselves outnumbered two to one by non-communist superpowers, they were involved in less political manipulation, so the Korean War never happened. The Vietnam War went differently, as British support allowed the French to remain in control there.  
  
Phil blinked a few times. That was a lot to absorb all at once. He took some pleasure in the fact that as confused as he was, Arthur and Io had absolutely no idea what the hell they were talking about. Phil decided to fill the uncomfortable silence. "So, where is everyone?"  
  
Ralph counted on his fingers. "Well, Ryoko's at her Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, Washuu is in her lab, Kione and Mihoshi are out on patrol, Ayeka is off somewhere reading her romance Manga, Ecks is off doing God knows what in Tokyo, Mr. Masaki just got home from work, the future girls are out sparring and Tenchi is out sweeping the steps."  
  
Phil made a time out gesture. "Whoa! Ryoko's in AA? But she loves her sake! What the hell happened?"  
  
Ralph shuddered. "Well, last week, Ryoko got plastered. And I don't just mean a little drunk; she was bumping into walls and seemed to forget that she could become intangible. Considering how high of an alcohol tolerance she has, that takes a lot of sake. Well, in a drunken stupor, she grabbed ME, thinking I was Tenchi, flew off into the woods and tried to force herself upon me." He performed another full body shudder. "It was horrible! Only my Jedi mind tricks and an invisibility spell I picked up from the Grimorum Achrinorum let me escape in time! Well, when Tenchi found out, was HE mad!"  
  
Phil yawned. "What, him, mad? So, what, he lightly scolded her?"  
  
Ralph shook his head vigorously. "No! He actually slapped her! Then he just started yelling and screaming. I didn't get most of it, but it was something along the lines of, "It's bad enough when you try to do it to me without my consent, but poor, sweet, roguishly handsome, well chiseled, witty, innocent Ralph doesn't deserve your unwanted affection!" Ralph noticed Phil's incredulous look. "His words, not mine. Really." Phil just shrugged, not caring either way. The Jedi continued. "Then, he threw a bottle of sake at her. Tenchi said that destiny or not, true love or not, that he couldn't ever be with anyone who got drunk just for the hell of it. He gave he a month to sober up, or else he would kick her out of the house."  
  
Phil was actually rather stunned. "The wienie finally grew a spine. Wow." Phil looked at his wristwatch. "Oh, by the by, did you ever remember to pick up the Sailor Senshi off of Dagobah?"  
  
Ralph slapped his forehead. "Damn!"  
  
Phil smirked. "Well, I suppose that means that you have a cabbit/spaceship to borrow, doesn't it? It was your job, after all."  
  
As Ralph quickly dashed away, Phil caught something that sounded like, "Rei's gonna kill me!"  
  
Phil exited the house. Had he left by the front door, he would have swiftly noticed the massive construction project. However, he went into the backyard instead. Once there, he began a complicated pattern of kicks and punches. He figured that he needed to get his potentially atrophied muscles back into fighting shape. He was too busy training to notice the return of his daughter and her friends.  
  
End Part 41  
  
Author's note: This version of the world is (I think) unique to my fic. I didn't want to insult any people actually living in Guam or Japan or Canada or Mexico or any one of the other countries I mentioned. I have no intention of taking over the world. Yet.  
  
Also, the Elemental Battle Armor is seen in the PC game Mechwarrior 3, and the board game Battletech (a favorite of mine). PPCs were also used in these games. For more information on Battletech, visit  
  
"http://www.sarna.net" www.sarna.net (if it's still up) or "http://www.kerensky.tierranet.com/btech/btech.shtml". The second site puts the weapons and equipment in terms that the uninitiated can understand. 


	42. Prelude to Madness

Part 42  
  
Prelude to Madness  
  
By BobCat  
  
Disclaimer: If I had a nickel for every copyright I've broken, I'd have an awfully large number of nickels. I just hope that those who monitor such things give me the nickel and then ignore me.  
  
Rei Connery was not a happy girl.  
  
The first problem was that her grandfather had been replaced by Sean Connery. For another, she had been stuck Dagobah, a planet that made the dankest southern bayou look absolutely cheerful. Six weeks in such an environment would make anyone cranky. The stressful training that Yoda- Sensei had put them through over those six months made the situation worse.  
  
Then, to find out that her off and on boyfriend, Ralph, had apparently forgotten to pick her up two weeks ago... well, it took all of her Force breathing exercises to control the urge to beat him over the head with the nearest handy blunt object.  
  
Ralph was currently mentally kicking himself. The other Senshi weren't pleased about being forgotten, but he didn't care about their opinions very much. Now, he was attempting to ignore the quintet of angry glares he was receiving as he talked to Yoda.  
  
"So, uh, Master Yoda, how well did it go? Their Jedi training, that is."  
  
Yoda was currently hobbling along, using his cane for support. Ralph was always amazed how well Yoda could move around, considering his size and age. The green alien looked up at Ralph. "Mmmm. Much progress did I make with all of them. Stronger and more disciplined they all are. Not all Jedi will be, but impressive. Too old for the training I thought they were."  
  
"So, who passed?"  
  
Yoda considered. "Ralph, not so simple is it. When is one a full Jedi and when is one not? Difficult question, this is. But, Rei and Ami the most progress have made. Surprising it is, considering how much trouble Ami had to start. But, full Padawans are they both. Their training must you continue." Suddenly, the ancient Jedi Master halted and sat down on a log for support.  
  
Ralph grew concerned as he saw the look of pain upon Master Yoda's face. "Master? What is wrong?" Ralph was worried; had training the Senshi accelerated the exhaustion that had killed Yoda after he was done with Luke?  
  
Yoda grimaced. "A great disturbance in the Force do I feel. Thousands of voices are crying out in pain, and are being silenced. A great evil do I sense. Be wary, Ralph."  
  
Ralph, attempting to undo the sense of fear that he was picking up from the Senshi, said, "I'm not afraid Master."  
  
Yoda's voice took a very dark turn. "You will be. You WILL be."  
  
* * *  
  
In a remote corner of the Galactic Empire, there is a world known as Mon Tessa. The planet's inhabitants, a quiet and unassuming race known as the Klintir, bore a passing resemblance to the widespread species Homo Sapiens. They had the nearly universal pattern of a bipedal legs, arms situated on shoulders placed near the neck, upon which rested a head that contained a majority of their sensory organs.  
  
They departed from the humans in that they were of saurian decent. Their faces possessed an elongated snout filled with small, sharp teeth. The ends of each of their four fingers ended in an inch-long claw, with a similar arrangement on their feet. A small stub of a tail jutted from the hindquarters of each Klintir, a throwback to their roots as pack hunters that relied upon speed and feral strength to bring down prey. The tails weren't a hindrance, so natural selection had seen little need to remove them, although the average length of the appendage less than a meter, making up less than a third of the total length of each Klintir. The males tended to be larger than the females, although the difference in size was almost negligible.  
  
Despite their predatory past, the Klintir were a peaceful race, at least when dealing with other sentient species. Anthropologists had noted that several of their rituals, particularly their L'rnn-Jhuuk (right of passage), were very gruesome and seemed designed to eliminate the weak from the gene pool. Many didn't survive, but those that did were immediately deemed strong enough to be allowed to breed.  
  
Each member of the species had a minor connection with the Force, insufficient to make them candidates for Jedi knighthood, but enough so that they were empathetic. Except for a few sadistic Klintir, few ever opted to raise their fist in anger towards another of their kind because of this empathy. Feeling the death of a creature that they deem to have a soul is an unpleasant experience for them; however, a small percentage of the population enjoyed the sensation, resulting in the occasional murder spree.  
  
Before the coming of the Empire, the Klintir had been on the verge of an industrial revolution. When an Imperial Star Destroyer had exited hyperspace directly above Mon Tessa, many had said that the end of the world was upon them, pointing to ancient prophecies, that stated that the world would end as a great flying ship dispatched metal giants.  
  
They were right, in a sense. The Empire had easily overpowered their greatest hunters with their superior technology. In one instance, four AT- ATs had mowed down three hundred Klintir hunters in seconds. Surrender had been quick and unconditional.  
  
Now, the world was merely a shadow of its former self. Their great forests had been relentlessly logged because the Sector Moff had discovered a market for the native Krun wood, which made excellent tables and chairs. After the price of Krun had plummeted to almost nothing due to an overabundance, Moff Equiano had ordered every last tree on the planet, Krun or otherwise, to be destroyed. It had done little for the Krun furniture market, and at the moment the Moff was at a loss about what to do about his massive stockpiles of Krun wood. It didn't help the Klintir, however; their planet had been robbed of almost all of its natural beauty.  
  
The Klintir as a whole had been enslaved, forced to mine their planet's large reserves of iron ore. Some Klintir advocated a rebellion, although the overwhelmingly pacifistic saurians were reluctant to take any such action. After more than a generation of slave labor and use as gladiatorial fighters, there was a general air of hopelessness on Mon Tessa.  
  
Which is why Schlager had targeted the planet. After all, after his forces had destroyed the Imperial garrison, the Klintir would experience their first inklings of hope in nearly thirty years. And then the slaughter would begin. After all, he lacked the resources to remove an entire planet's population, and leaving any of the species alive would eventually bring some young male seeking vengeance to his doorstep.  
  
Aboard the Inquisitor, Schlager was currently sitting in a large padded seat. It had been modified to support his significant bulk and not quite human proportions. His mechanical eye whirring as it continually focused and refocused, he began barking commands. "Mr. Sulu. Status report."  
  
The Asian man took a few moments to study his scanners, then replied, "Lord Schlager, I see two craft in orbit above the planet. One appears to be a Carrack class light cruiser, while the other is a Strike Cruiser. Sir, neither craft can even begin to match the Inquisitor's power; even combined, they lack the ability to get through our energy shields. Also, both lack the fighter capacity to match one tenth of our numbers, and all will likely be TIE fighters, which any one of our Fury Class aerospace fighters could engage at six to one odds with little trouble. There will likely be more fighter support from the planet, but there will be a sizeable delay between the start of any battle and the time it will take their fighters to arrive."  
  
A communications officer, seated in one of the deep trenches on either side of Schlager's seat, interrupted. "Excuse me, Lord Schlager, but the Strike Cruiser, the Invincible, is hailing us. Our response?"  
  
Schlager grinned maliciously. Now it was time for the fun to begin. "Put them on." One of the screens set into the wall of the bridge came to life, revealing an image of a slovenly middle-aged man in the green uniform of an Imperial Fleet Officer.  
  
The man was as arrogant an officer as had ever left the Imperial Academy on Carida. Upon seeing that Schlager was a non-human, his features revealed only contempt for the pirate. "I am Commodore Grakel of the Imperial Navy! You have violated Imperial air space! Identify yourself, or be destroyed!"  
  
Schlager rose to his full height. "I am Schlager. This planet is now mine, as is the space around it. Unless you enjoy explosive decompression or being vaporized by laser fire, I would suggest that you leave. Immediately." Schlager made the universal "kill" sign. The officer who had informed him of the transmission relayed the order to his subordinate.  
  
Grakel's face turned red. "Why you alien son of a..." The communications technician cut off the feed.  
  
Schlager sat back down. He was angry. He may have been a regular practitioner of genocide, but he hated racism. At least, when it was directed at him. "Let's give these Imperial bastards a surprise. Fire the Naval Gauss Rifle."  
  
A gunnery officer began pressing buttons on his computer consol. "Lord Schlager, the magnetic capacitors will take at least thirty seconds to charge."  
  
Schlagger glared daggers at the man. "Entering a combat zone with our main gun unready? Your incompetence will not go unpunished." Schlager gestured to one of the Battle Armor marines on either side of him. "Take him away. I want him to learn a new meaning of the word pain before he dies." As the gunnery officer was dragged away screaming for mercy, he pointed to the man's subordinate. "You are in command now. Charge the Naval Gauss Rifle. Now. Soften up the Carrack with our turbo-lasers. But don't target the Invincible. I want to take that bastard down with one shot."  
  
The newly promoted man pressed a few buttons on his display. "Lord Schlager, barrage is beginning... now." With that, bursts of green energy began to fly from the spheroid craft, smashing against the forward shielding of the light cruiser. For a few seconds, the protective umbrella of energy held under the barrage. However, it swiftly began to shrink as the combined barrage of fifty turbolaser batteries hammered it. Eventually, the cruiser's strained shield generators could take no more, and green beams of concentrated light began to melt away tens of tons of durasteel armor plating. As the front end of the craft melted away, the Imperial's first barrage of counter fire began. Between the two craft, thirty ion cannons and an equal number of turbolasers responded to the Inquisitor's attack.  
  
The spherical capital ship almost seemed to absorb the barrage casually. And, as suddenly as the Inquisitor's assault had begun, it stopped.  
  
However, that was little comfort to the Carrack cruiser. The entire front half of the ship had been vaporized, leaving only the engines and rear quarters. Due to the Carrack's special design, most of the crew in that portion of the ship would survive, as the ship was divided into compartments designed to combat the hard vacuum of space.  
  
Schlager noted that the Invincible was beginning to launch TIE fighters as the capital ship began to retreat. It was currently turning about, ready to make a run for a safe hyperspace jump point. Obviously, Commodore Grakel had no qualms about sacrificing two squadrons of TIE fighters and their pilots to ensure his own survival. The horned man queried, "How long until the Naval Gauss is ready?"  
  
The gunner responded, "My Lord, we are ready to fire at your command."  
  
With a predatory grin, Schlager stated almost nonchalantly, "You may fire at will."  
  
"Aye, My Lord."  
  
As the gunner's words left his lips, massive machinery loaded a gigantic slug tons into an even more massive cannon. Once the gigantic bullet had been loaded into the Naval Gauss Rifle's breech, the huge magnets that ran along the weapon's barrel flared to life.  
  
The Gauss Rifle, also known as a rail gun, didn't use an explosion to propel the bullet. Instead, oppositely charged magnets within the barrel of the gun shot the metal slug at several times the speed of sound. The gigantic naval version of the standard weapon disgorged a slug roughly the size of an SUV. Once the massive bullet found its target, only the strongest energy shields or the thickest armor plating could stop it.  
  
The Strike Cruiser had been designed to be mass produced, and due to cheap construction, lacked either. Thus, the gauss slug slammed into one end of the craft, entering through the bridge, smashed through several levels of decks, and then punched out through the back of the capital ship. A fiery explosion gutted the craft, consuming all flammable objects, including the crew, in under a second. Then, the flames stopped as they ran out of oxygen to consume. The shattered remains of the craft were pulled towards the planet by gravity, and they would make a metallic belt around the planet that would stay in place for years to come.  
  
The TIE pilots' response was mixed. Some continued to fly straight towards the Inquisitor, either heedless of their fate or too frightened to think of anything else. Others did an abrupt U-turn, fleeing back to Mon Tessa, as if they were safe from the massive power of the spherical craft once they were on soil once again. One brave or stupid soul flew away from both, obviously hoping that his short-range fighter would carry him to safety before it ran out of fuel or oxygen.  
  
In all, roughly a squadron of TIE fighters now streaked towards the Inquisitor.  
  
Mr. Sulu queried his commander. "My Lord, should I launch the Furies?"  
  
Schlager almost said yes. Then, he remembered an untested branch of his forces. He had acquired them nearly a year before, but hadn't had a good opportunity to use them as of yet. "Negative. Launch the Taurus Mobile Dolls." He considered his order. "Only launch four. Otherwise, those TIE fighters won't stand a chance, and that would be terribly dull."  
  
Schlager felt an slight rumble pass through his ship, and then four points of light exited from one of the Inquisitor's many docking bays. From his lofty position, Schlager could only make out four tiny points of light. However, closer inspection would reveal something unheard of in Star Wars: Mobile Suits.  
  
Each weighed in at approximately twenty five metric tons. They were humanoid in construction, with fully articulated hands. These hands clutched a massive laser. What would be the Taurus' head was surrounded by two massive extensions of the shoulders, giving the impression of horns. The four machines were completely computer automated, which allowed them to maneuver with speed that few unaugmented humans could match. Each was painted a blood red with black highlights. Although they lacked the heavy armor plating of the Gundams they shared their home universe with, their speed and significant firepower gave them the ability to slowly chip away at the heavier Suit's armor while the Gundam vainly returned fire. That tactic didn't always work, but it was usually effective against slow or weakly armored targets. The TIE fighter, much like the Strike Cruiser that had just met its maker, was designed to be mass produced, relying upon numbers instead of armor and firepower. Although reasonably fast, they couldn't match the Mobile Dolls for sheer maneuverability.  
  
One of the fighters noticed the incoming threat. The Dolls noted the flurry of radio signals being exchanged by the fighters. Although they lacked the ability to comprehend the signals, they quickly noticed that the fighters were forming up into two lines, with six fighters in each. They flew roughly a kilometer from each other, the rear line hoping to deal with any threats that made it through the first.  
  
It was a sound strategy, and had Schlager launched X-Wings, it would have worked. However, the Mobile Dolls began to trigger their laser cannons at a range that the fighters couldn't match. Their high rate of fire allowed them to mow down the entire front line of ships with their first barrage. Then, as they came into the remaining TIE fighters' range, they began a series of maneuvers that allowed them to flank the incoming TIE fighters. Before the startled Imperials could respond, the Mobile Dolls were firing upon them from two sides. Only one pilot survived, and that was due to the Immelman maneuver he pulled. Swinging around, he managed to get one of the Mobile Suits under his guns. He pulled both of his triggers, sending a pair of laser beams into the side of the Taurus.  
  
One laser bolt missed, impotently sending a beam of light into the endless depths of space. The second burned into the Taurus' right arm, severing the limb at the elbow. The blast of concentrated light continued onward and gouged a hole in the Doll's torso. The Mobile Doll quickly turned about and retreated back to the Inquisitor. Unlike the versions favored in the Gundam universe, (universe GM-WG8-8957-PP) they possessed a self preservation program. After all, Schlager only had a limited supply of the Mobile Dolls, and as the Taurus' only weapon was disabled, there was little it could do.  
  
Not that its presence was missed, as its three fellows turned their lasers upon the hapless TIE fighter. The starship was vaporized as three golden beams of concentrated light burned through its thin hull.  
  
Schlager grinned. He looked at one of the Battle Armor troops. "Dispatch some shuttles to salvage what remains of the fighters and the capital ships. Send a few squads of marines with them. Check out the Carrack first, since it is the least damaged."  
  
Despite its bulky, insectoid appearance, the trooper within the armor managed to salute smartly. "My Lord, what of any survivors?"  
  
Schlager considered it for a second. "Take them alive if it's convenient. I like the irony of the slaveholders become slaves themselves." As the trooper left to carry out his orders, Schlager addressed Sulu. "Bring us into a geosynchronous orbit above their garrison headquarters. And inform my troops to ready themselves. I want to begin the invasion as soon as possible."  
  
The man nodded. "As you wish, my Lord."  
  
* * *  
  
The attack had come without warning.  
  
Well, that isn't entirely accurate. The Inquisitor had been in system for nearly six hours, and had acquired an orbit nearly three hours previously. Governor Yadat had repeatedly attempted to contact the strange invaders to determine their intentions, but his attempts had proven futile.  
  
When a practical blizzard of shuttlecraft, fighters and the odd walker-like space ships had appeared on the sensor boards, the Governor of Mon Tessa had ordered the fighter wing launched. The seventy two TIE fighters had outnumbered the angular fighters that had maneuvered to intercept nearly four to one. They had been cut down in less than two minutes, and the sensor operator reported that only one enemy fighter had been disabled. Not even destroyed; a lucky TIE pilot had gotten off a shot into his enemy's rear quarter and taken out one of his engines.  
  
The twenty AT-AT and AT-ST walkers and the hundreds of Stormtroopers that had made up Mon Tessa's garrison had lasted slightly longer than the fighters. The lightly armored AT-STs had been the first to fall to the attacking Leo mobile Suits. The thickly armored AT-ATs had proven more effective than their two legged counterparts, but in the end, they had been overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of enemy Mobile Suits. The Stormtroopers, the elite of the Imperial infantry, had been crushed under the feet of the Leos or vaporized by a Battle Armor suit's laser. In under half an hour, the remaining Imperials had either been slain or taken prisoner.  
  
Two Klintir were talking. One appeared to be about six in human terms, while the other was stooped and got about with the aid of a cane. The younger one, his reptilian eyes were bright and filled with hope, while the older Klintir had a hollow, defeated look in his eyes. Yet, their apparent rescue at the hands of Schlager had allowed a slight gleam to come to the old man's eye.  
  
The younger Klintir was prancing about, bursting with the endless energy of the very young. His Basic was accented by a reptilian hiss. "Sssee, Grandssssire? Sssee? I told you that the Rebellion would sssave us! You said I wasss wrong, but I wass right!"  
  
The elder saurian nodded. "I sssuppose you were right, Nat."  
  
The young boy suddenly stopped. "Grandsssire? Where are you going?"  
  
"Well, Nat, we mussst thank our sssaviors. It would be dishonorable not to."  
  
The two made their way, one bouncing, the other hobbling, to a pair of infantry grunts. The elder man spoke. "Sssirsss, I would like to thank you for ressscuing us. The Rebel Allianssse hasss brought the first hope that our people have felt in far too long."  
  
The shorter man, an ugly brute with a sloping forehead and a smile missing several teeth, chuckled. "No, they haven't." Then both Klintir died as a burst of laser fire sliced through their heads. The scene was repeated across the planet, putting massive ripples through the Force.  
  
* * *  
  
Phil shuddered involuntarily. He glanced for a few moments, looking for the source of his discomfort. "What the... there's that sensation of a thousand voices crying out and being silenced again." It was similar to what he had felt during the time before the battle with Cell, but to a lesser degree. Seeing nothing, he went back to his training regimen. In seconds, he was blurring about the Masaki's back yard. When he was visible, he was launching a complicated series of kicks and punches.  
  
Phil halted as he felt a shiver run down his spine. He felt strange. Not the discomfort from a moment ago. This wasn't the sensation of a thousand voices crying out at once. He felt like he was being watched. He dropped into a crouching position, powered up and began scanning the area for any threat.  
  
That was when a green-haired blur passed over his head, missing by inches. Unfortunately for her, her line of flight was intercepted by a sticker bush.  
  
Phil blinked. "Lotion? What the hell are YOU doing here? I thought that I'd gotten rid of you."  
  
Indeed, it was the young Chinese Amazon. Normally, she possessed a grace and beauty that was the envy of women and left a distinct impression on men. At the moment, cut and bleeding from dozens of tiny cuts and thrashing around in an unkempt bush, she lost a bit of her mystique.  
  
She cried out, "Less talk, more help!"  
  
Arthur seized control of their mouth. "Do not worry, fair maiden. I shall assist thee!"  
  
This assistance wasn't as easily given as it was promised. Neither Phil nor Arthur knew what kind of plant it was, but natural selection had evidently decided to give it a series of thorns and prickles that would have made a porcupine jealous. After circling the struggling Amazon and the plant a few times, Phil found the easiest way of extracting her from her leafy prison. "Don't move." Phil summoned a very low powered Chi bolt, and slowly burned his way through the shrubbery. There was a yelp of pain as Lotion developed a second degree burn on her right leg. "Stop squirming already, or else you can get out on your own."  
  
There was a stream of curses as the young Amazon extricated herself from the sticker bush. She was bleeding freely from several spots, and there were small burns across her limbs. Phil sighed as he pulled a senzu bean from one of the symbiote's pockets. "Here, eat this before you get an infection." He tossed her the magic legume, and folded his arms across his chest. "Now, what are you doing here?"  
  
Lotion grimaced as the magic of the bean rebuilt destroyed skin cells and replaced lost blood. It wasn't painful, so much as unpleasant. Lotion's discomfort came more from the Senzu bean's bitter taste. "Naughty husband! Leaving wife behind to find you! Lo Shun here take you to tribe."  
  
Phil balled his hands into fists. "Look, for the last time, we aren't married!"  
  
Arthur took a stern tone in the back of Phil's mind. "What? Thou hast taken a wife and left her behind? Such unchivalrous behavior, Squire!"  
  
"Look, Arthur, it wasn't a Christian marriage or anything that you would acknowledge. It's an obscure law of their tribe; you beat a member of their tribe, and they either have to kill you or marry you. She attacked me, I beat her, made it clear that I didn't acknowledge their laws, and left. End of story." Phil glared at Lotion. "Or so I'd thought."  
  
"Who is husband talking to?"  
  
Phil had an idea. "Well, I'm Schizophrenic. Yup, crazy as a loon. You sure don't want me in the tribe. Now go back home!"  
  
"What is loon?"  
  
Phil smacked his face. "Damn cultural barriers. Look, I have voices in my head that aren't my own. I'm too crazy to be an Amazon."  
  
Lotion shook her head. "You is not knowing some Amazons."  
  
Phil cocked an eyebrow. "What happened to your grammar? I mean, you spoke normally before."  
  
"Lo Shun in Japan, so Lo Shun trying Japanese. Is not going good."  
  
Phil groaned. "Look, just speak Mandarin? I can understand it."*  
  
"Oh. OK. Look, you really need to come back with me or else I won't be allowed to return. Or at least, if I do, I'm going to be punished. So please, come back. It won't be so bad." She sidled up next to Phil, pressing herself up against him. "A pretty wife, all the battle you could want and you get to have as many children as you like. You have to perform a few chores, and we don't have much technology, but overall it's a good life. What do you say?"  
  
Arthur heard this, and was intrigued. It sounded much like the life he preferred. "Squire, remind me why thou art reluctant to pursue this marriage?"  
  
Phil, not caring Lotion overheard, said, "Even if this was a marriage recognized by any government anywhere, WHICH IT ISN'T, what she fails to mention is that men are treated as little more than slaves, we would be expected to keep our mouths shut unless a woman spoke directly to us and we can't be the King of England if we're cleaning some hut in rural China."  
  
Arthur considered this. "Thou hast a good point, Squire."  
  
Phil growled. "I'm not going with you, wench! So get out of here! Shoo! Scat!"  
  
Lotion was confused. "But Mr. Masaki said I could use one of his guest rooms."  
  
Phil's eye twitched. "OH HE DID, DID HE?!" A bright yellow aura flared to life around Phil, and he strained to hold back the Super Saiyan transformation. "GO AWAY NOW!"  
  
Lotion complied. Very quickly. "Hmmm. Husband is angry. I'll try again later."  
  
Then Phil saw something. Something terrifying. Something unexpected. Something implausible. Something...  
  
...that won't be revealed until next chapter. SO THERE!  
  
End Part 42  
  
  
  
  
  
*Phil doesn't speak Chinese. Remember, all of the Physics Police have universal translators in their ears, as well as throat implants so that their speech is modified to match the local language requirements. 


	43. Meet the Neighbors

Part 43  
  
Meet the Neighbors  
  
By BobCat  
  
Disclaimer: Who here honestly thinks that I own any of the Anime or American Sci-Fi that I'm ripping off? (Silence). I thought as much.  
  
Surgeon General's Warning: The reading of this fanfic may result in spontaneous laughter, which can be harmful, causing such side effects as:  
  
1) Rolling on the floor in laughter.  
  
2) The splitting of sides.  
  
3) Overuse of acronyms such as "LOL" and "ROTFL."  
  
This public service announcement was brought to you by the good folks at Laramie cigarettes. Remember, smoking is good for you! After all, millions of dead Americans couldn't be wrong.  
  
* * *  
  
When last we left our intrepid hero, he had turned down the advances of the Amazon Lotion. Now, even as she retreated to rethink her strategy, he was confronted by something completely unexpected.  
  
The two men were clad in power armor. (At least, Phil assumed they were men; power armor does an excellent job of hiding the gender of its user.) As opposed to the heavier Elemental class armor seen previously, these were more humanoid, with the limbs being of the proper dimensions and places for a human being. The head, as opposed to being melded into the torso of the machine, sat atop a neck of metal. Where the face should have been, there was a tinted faceplate.  
  
The trooper on the right had more firepower than a conventional infantry platoon. A single missile launcher that looked to be anti-tank caliber was housed in a launcher strapped onto the armor's right shoulder. As opposed to being bolted on like an Elemental's launcher, it was attached by a strap. In the man's right hand was a large rifle that looked like an M-60, except that it had two barrels. The top barrel looked like a standard machine gun, but Phil could recognize the opening beneath it as an auto-grenade launcher. Slung across his back was a rifle that had three barrels, mounted in a triangular shape at the tip of the weapon. Phil thought that it looked like somebody had taken the barrels from three laser rifles and mounted them in a gattling-gun like fashion. The man had three bandoliers across his chest; one with ammo for the machine gun, one with grenades for the launcher and the other seemed to be fitted with full fledged demolition charges. An oversized holster on the trooper's leg held what appeared to be a small flame-thrower.  
  
Seeing the sheer amount of power leveled at him, Phil crouched to a defensive pose and began to power up. Phil looked at the trooper on the left to size up the rest of his potential opposition.  
  
And the sum total of his weaponry was: a plate of lime green Jello topped with whipped cream.  
  
Phil blinked. Had either of the troopers possessed a Scouter, they would have noticed that his power level had dipped significantly as his concentration turned less to combat and more to wondering what the hell an invader thought he was going to take over with Jello.  
  
Suddenly, the man on the left reached up with his left arm and tapped a button on the back of his helmet. There was a hiss as the air pressure equalized. Then, taking great care, the man with the Jello removed his helmet, revealing a man in his early twenties. He had red hair and green eyes. The goofy grin on his face, gave the impression of a man still in his mid-teens. "Hiya! We're your new neighbors!"  
  
The trooper with the guns lowered his laser rifle and removed his helmet as well. This man appeared to be slightly older than the Jello carrier, and, had black hair. Most of it was shaved away in a crew cut, except for a tightly braided rattail that was tied up behind his head. The armed trooper undid the tie, allowing gravity to regain its hold on the rattail. It looked to be at least three feet long. His face had a nasty looking scar on the left cheek that ran vertically. His eyes were a light blue, contrasting his hair in a very interesting fashion. However, it should be noted that both men had an identical expression on their faces. "Heydosa! Weesa berry berry pleased to be meetin' youse!"  
  
Phil blinked. Again. "What the..."  
  
The man with the Jello elbowed his companion in the ribs. Or at least, where the power armor would have had ribs. "Boomer! Your translator is stuck on Gunganese again!"  
  
Phil sweatdropped. It had taken him a while to master the technique, but it was a very useful one.  
  
  
  
The man identified as Boomer blushed. "Oopsa! One momente, please." He smacked himself on the side of the head. There was a clicking noise, and then Boomer exclaimed, "Ah, that's better! Sorry, my Babel Fish gets confused a lot." Now that he no longer sounded like one of George Lucas' more ill-conceived creations, Phil could hear that he was somewhere in the baritone range of voices. "Thanks, Lance. Now, where were we?"  
  
Phil blinked. He seemed to be doing a lot of that. "Um... who the heck are you guys?"  
  
The red-head, now known as Lance, cupped his chin in his hand, doing a standing-up version of the classic "Thinker" pose. "Well, let's see... Oh yeah!" In the same exact tone as before, he said, "Hiya! We're your new neighbors!" He handed Phil the plate of Jello. "We even brought Jello! I'm Corporal Lance, and this is my buddy Private Boomer. We're with the TDC. We live in the nuclear fallout shelter under your front lawn."  
  
Phil was now thoroughly confused. "You live in the WHAT in my front yard?" He hadn't remembered installing a fallout shelter. He didn't think that old man Masaki had thought of it either.  
  
Phil remembered the TDC, however; they were similar to the Physics Police. The two groups were sister organizations. The Physics Police generally concerned themselves with the comings and goings between dimensions, as well as maintaining the integrity of the various timelines (Phil being a rather big exception). The TDC, or Terran Defense Coalition, were responsible for handling threats that the local dimension's defenders had absolutely no chance of dealing with. However, for it to come within their jurisdiction, the threat needed to originate from the dimension they were defending. Thus, they rarely had to deploy, since most universes possessed a good to counterbalance every evil.  
  
However, Phil hadn't expected them to arrive in FC-1, considering the sheer volume of superheroes on hand. "What's the TDC doing here?"  
  
Boomer rolled his eyes. "What, you didn't get the memo?"  
  
Phil looked at them suspiciously. "What memo?" Lance handed him a slip of paper. Phil ripped open the seal and took a look. "Note to all residents of the Masaki household: Effective immediately, one platoon TDC power armor and supporting assets are given permission to set up a defensive perimeter around the Masaki residence for the purposes of diplomacy..." Phil folded the notice and slipped it into his pocket. He in the same motion, he placed the plate of Jello on a nearby table. "And, um, what is this all about?"  
  
Both shrugged. Lance suggested, "I think it's something having to do with this being the Juraian embassy to Earth or something like that. I dunno. Hey Boomer, what were we supposed to do again? I mean, after we gave him the memo?"  
  
"Get drunk and order a pizza?"  
  
"Before that."  
  
"Ummm... I THINK the Lieutenant wanted to see the local Physics Police authority in the area." Boomer looked at Phil. "Can you tell us where we can find him?" Almost apprehensively, Phil pointed to himself. "Well great! Come along then!" Before Phil could object, he found that each of his arms had been grabbed by one of the troopers. They began marching around the house towards the front yard.  
  
However, he had other things on his mind. "Hey! Let me go!" Phil powered up a bit and attempted to break their grip. It wasn't working too well.  
  
Boomer looked over his shoulder. "Mind not doing that? You could get out, but it'd break something, and that would come outta all our paychecks. Grey Death power armor* doesn't grow on trees, ya know!" Phil noted that the cheerfulness had never left their tone.  
  
Before Phil could protest further, they stopped. "Well, here we are!" Lance pressed a button on his wrist. "Hey Larry! This is Lance. Open up the hatch!" There was silence for a moment. "No, I don't know the password." Phil wondered who Lance was talking to until he noticed his earpiece. "There is no password! Oh there is, is there? Since when. Two minutes ago? But we left five minutes ago!" More silence. Phil noted that Lance was getting angry. "You know damned well it's me!" Yet more silence. "How about a DNA sample? No, I can't prove I've never been cloned! Open up that damned hatch, or else I'm gonna blow it open!" There was the noise of straining machinery. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then Phil noticed that a section of the Masaki's front lawn was rising upward, forced upward by a series of telescoping pipes. It only raised about a foot off of the ground. Then, extended just far enough upward to be visible, was a hand encased in the same armor that Boomer and Lance wore. Except that the hand was flipping off the three of them. Then, the trap-door slammed shut.  
  
Lance growled to Boomer, "Hand me a charge." Boomer complied. Lance placed the demolition charge on the ground near where the yard had risen a moment before. Lance pressed a few buttons, then yelled, "Hit the deck!" Phil managed to power up just in time to avoid being splattered by the massive explosion. When Phil looked again, there was a massive chunk of turf missing from the lawn. Phil looked down the hole, and saw that there was a shaft that extended down about thirty meters, with a stunned looking man in power armor at the bottom.  
  
Then, Lance did the last thing Phil expected. With a cry of, "Banzai!", he performed a perfect swan dive down the hole. Phil expected the man to go splat upon hitting the ground. However, he homed in like a smart bomb and tackled the man known only as Larry. For some reason, Lance survived the impact. In fact, Larry seemed to be more damaged by the impact than Lance. Phil looked away as the sounds of combat began. They were as follows:  
  
"Yipe! (Wham! Smash! Wump! Pow pow pow!) Oh God that hurts! (Slam! Crunch!) Mother! Hey, that doesn't bend that way! (Whud! Snuh! WHAM! Thud.)"  
  
Then, there was silence. The silence was broken as there was a thunderous VHOOSH! This was followed by Lance rocketing up the hole in the ground via the Jump Jets built into his battle armor. He was dragging up what looked to be the remains of an infantryman. Lance dropped the battered Larry at Phil's feet. He nudged the fallen form with his right foot. "Now Larry, apologize to the nice Physics Policeman." The crumpled form groaned. "Good enough!" With a single kick, Larry went falling down the shaft. There was a loud thud as Larry and his inertia parted ways.  
  
Phil was holding back his laughter. He knew it was wrong to laugh at the guy's extreme misfortune, but then again he HAD flipped him off. Wiping a tear from his eye, Phil said, "You guys are OK." Arthur had much the same opinion, while Io thought that the unnecessary violence was horrible. The symbiote wanted spleens. So, all was normal in Phil's psyche.  
  
Boomer bowed. "Right this way." Boomer and Lance hit their Jump Jets and controlled their fall down the shaft. Phil performed the same effect with his Chi powers.  
  
Upon landing, Boomer looked at Phil with a curious look on his face. "Cool! I didn't know you could fly! I thought we'd have to send up the elevator." Boomer pointed at the metal platform beneath their feet, which Phil saw was elevated a few inches above the nearby floor.  
  
Phil glanced about. It was a narrow shaft that had metal supports to hold up the rocky ceiling and walls. The ground wasn't paved at all. Then, something occurred to Phil. "Hey, shouldn't a fallout shelter be immune to a demolition charge? And how do you guys LIVE down here?"  
  
Lance pointed toward a door at the end of the shaft. "This is just the first security checkpoint. The actual shelter is behind that door." Removing his right gauntlet, he rapped on it a twice before a small, robotic arm extended from the wall. It split into two limbs. One shined a red light in Lance's eye to scan his retina, while the other injected a small syringe into the exposed flesh of his hand. It took a small sample of blood, then ran a DNA test. Both security checks indicated that it was a member of the platoon, so the metal doors opened, revealing…  
  
A bar.  
  
Well, that wasn't entirely accurate. Most bars didn't have various rocket launchers mounted in racks on the wall. Nor did most have what looked like bulletproof glass on the TVs, or two troopers in power armor guarding the entrance.  
  
However, the room had all of the other trappings of a pub. Although well lit, the place still had the strong stench of alcohol and cigarette smoke. There were stools along the counters, and a few men were in the process of enjoying a pint. There weren't any tables or booths, however. The room they would have occupied was taken up by several pool tables. And at the moment, an intense game of ping pong was taking place.  
  
There were numerous viewing devices, both hologram projector and TVs. The middle of the room was taken up by a massive hologram projector, with smaller projectors and TVs at various points in the bar. On the TV, a baseball game was on. On another, two hockey teams were bashing each other senseless. The massive hologram projector showed the annual Boonta Eve Podrace on Tatooine. A smaller projector showed a couple of Mechas blasting each other in gladiatorial combat. The men and women in the bar seemed most interested in the Mecha battle, and the man who had set himself as the bookie for the battle was collecting money and setting the odds.  
  
Phil blinked. "You guys live in a BAR!?"  
  
Boomer and Lance laughed. "No, that's silly. This is just the combination briefing room and recreation lounge. The Holoprojector works good for both." Lance sat  
  
on one of the stools. For a moment, the metal creaked as it strained to support nearly a ton of battle armor sitting on it. However, it held. Boomer sat down on the stool nearest Lance, and the black-haired trooper held up his armor suit's hand, holding up three fingers. A few seconds later, three pints of beer slid their way down the counter. Lance gestured to the seat next to him. "C'mon, have a round. We just got in a shipment of Timbiki Dark in! Finest brew around."  
  
Phil held up his hands. "No thanks; I should probably see this Lieutenant you were talking about."  
  
Lance finished his first and moved on to his second. As his judgment was already impaired before he had imbibed the alcohol, he decided to chuck Phil's mug at him. "Here, take one for the road!" Before Phil could protest, there was a mug of Timbiki Dark hurtling towards him. It flipped slightly in mid-flight, spilling its contents upon Phil.  
  
Boomer blinked. Where Phil had been standing a moment ago, there was now a very cute girl with blue hair, who was soaking wet. "Hey, where'd Phil go?" He quaffed another beer.  
  
Phil managed to part her dripping hair. "I AM Phil, you ignoramus!"  
  
Lance considered this. "Hey, that's a cool trick! Do it again!"  
  
Phil used the Force to levitate a mug of coffee into the air and dump it on herself. He said, "Thanks, I'd rather not."  
  
Boomer had been perplexed for a moment. This all seemed very familiar. Then, inspiration hit. "Hey! That's a Jusenkyo curse! Cool!" He grabbed a bottle of water and a pot of coffee.  
  
Phil wasn't paying attention. He and Lance were talking. "So Lance,"  
  
Boomer was now behind Phil and dumped the water bottle on his head. "Cold water,"  
  
She said, "where's this…"  
  
"Hot water!" Boomer upended the coffee pot.  
  
"Lieutenant you…", he continued  
  
"Cold water,"  
  
"wanted me to…"  
  
"Hot water!"  
  
"Meet?"  
  
"Cold water,"  
  
As Phil lost his Y chromosome again, she spun around. "WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!!??" Boomer temporarily adopted a deer-in the headlight look and put down the containers of liquid.  
  
Lance shrugged. "Lieutenant Creel doesn't like to hang out with the unit too much. Can't imagine why. He told me to give you this if he wasn't around." He handed Phil a postcard. She took it and read,  
  
To: The Ranking Officer of the local Physics Police unit,  
  
From: Lieutenant Jacob Creel, 1st Regiment, 3rd Battalion, 2nd Company, 3rd Platoon, AKA The Black Sheep  
  
By now, you've met Boomer and Lance. If I'm not there, I'm probably out somewhere drowning my sorrows. The unit assigned to guard the Juraian Embassy to Earth is in place to deal with threats that fall outside of the jurisdiction or ability of your unit to deal with. Please note that we are only a resource to be called upon as a last resort, and only in the event that the threat originated from universe FC-1.  
  
By the way, you may have noticed that the members of my unit are not the most… conventional around. They are the best of the best of the TDC when in combat, but only their talent keeps them from being court-martialed. As a word of warning, don't be surprised if they completely ignore any of the above stipulations of our assignment here.  
  
Boomer and Lance have volunteered to be your Liaison officers. They answer directly to you when on duty. May God have mercy on your soul.  
  
  
  
Signed, Lieutenant Creel  
  
Phil groaned. She sat at the bar. "Maybe I will take you up on that Timbiki."  
  
  
  
  
  
End Part 43  
  
* Grey Death Class Power Armor: Yet another toy borrowed from Battletech and Mechwarrior. It's like the Elemental Class from last chapter, but smaller, more lightly armed and armored, has a better sensor suite and is more maneuverable. Also, it is more humanoid, with actual hands. By the by, in either review form or as e-mails, I'd like to take a quick poll to see how familiar my readers are with Battletech. Just find yourself on this handy reference guide:  
  
(Note: Mechwarrior is the popular series of video games, while Battletech is the board game and novel series upon which the video games are based.)  
  
1) Michael A. Stackpole is my God! I own every record sheet collection and Field Manual in the Battletech series, know the timeline of the Battletech novels better than the history of my own country and have beaten all of the Mechwarrior games at least fifty times. (This is ALMOST me.)  
  
2) Oh yeah, the board game can be fun occasionally. I prefer the video game, though.  
  
3) Oh yeah I've played the game a couple of times. I get lost when you bring in stuff that wasn't in any of the video games, though.  
  
4) I know OF Mechwarrior… I think the nerd in my family has some of the stuff.  
  
5) Mech-what? Is that like Gundam Wing?  
  
Remember to respond to this handy survey; what I bring in from Battletech and how I do it will depend upon the results of the survey. 


	44. Revelations Chapter 2

Part 44

Revelations Chapter 2

By BobCat

Disclaimer: I don't own Battletech, Mechwarrior, Dilbert, Star Craft, Sailor Moon, Pokemon, Dragon Ball Z, Tenchi Muyo/Universe/In Tokyo, Calvin and Hobbes, Johnny Bravo, Star Wars, Star Trek, Card Captor Sakura, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Men in Black, Marvel Comics, The Wizard of Oz, Toltir, DC Comics, The Simpsons, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, any mythology or legends mentioned or used, Saturday Night Live, Mister Roger's Neighborhood, any Gundam series, or Ranma ½.  (My, so many copyright violations when I actually list them…)  The Physics Police and Terran Defense Coalition were created by my Editor, except that he was too lazy to actually write any stories featuring them.  That's where I came in.  All I own is the shirt on my back, the PC on my desk, and any original characters.  Thank you.

            *                                                          *                                              *

            Milky Way Galaxy, Universe FC-1

            Earth, Sol System

            Protectorate of Japan, United States of North America

            Masaki Household

            A few hours after Part 43, "Meet the Neighbors."

            It was a wonderful day at the Masaki residence.  The fish were singing, and the birds splashed happily in the lake (this was mostly due to Washuu's experimentations.)  Despite the massive nuclear fallout shelter that had been built under the front lawn, all appeared to be normal.  Tenchi was in the field, picking vegetables and enjoying the little break from his stressful life.  Washuu was off doing things that most people would rather not know about.  Kione and Mihoshi were on their way back from a patrol, Ayeka reading in the room she shared with Sasami, who was in the kitchen happily making lunch.  Yet, all was not well.

            We find our favorite former space pirate, Ryoko, attempting not to think about alcohol.  After Tenchi's ultimatum ("Sober up or get out!"), Ryoko had been going to weekly AA meetings and was making good progress.  However, after two weeks, she was reaching her breaking point.  Not counting her 700 years in hibernation, this was the longest that she'd ever gone without a drink.*  

            Commenting to Tenchi that she was having difficulty beating the habit, (i.e. complaining about it constantly), Tenchi had suggested that she get a hobby to fill all the time she used to put into drinking, being drunk and being hung over.  Meaning, that most of her day was empty.

            Things had gone downhill from there.  Within a three hour period, she had managed to eliminate cooking, knitting, composing haiku, chess and reading.  In other words, she had nearly burned the house down boiling some water, made what looked more like a fuzzy patch of mold than a sweater, managed to get ink all over the living room (literally.  The Masaki home looked like it had been invaded by a herd of irate squid.), melted every chess set in the house and learned that you needed to be literate in Earth language in order to read their books.

            Thus, having exhausted her options (and, apparently, Sasami's patience), she turned to good old television.  She slumped down on the couch, grabbed the remote from its place on the coffee table and turned it on.

            For ten minutes, she let a syndicated and translated episode of Saturday Night Live fend off the annoying part of her brain that insisted that it hadn't been killed by enough alcohol that day.  And it worked.  Until…     

            The commercial break.

            Suddenly, her train of thought was derailed as a hand holding a bottle of beer appeared on the screen.  "And remember: You can't get enough, of that wonderful Duff."

            She swiftly changed the channel.  A scene with three frogs appeared.  Then, they began croaking.

            "Bud."

            "Wei."

            "Ser."

            "Gack!"  She almost smashed the "channel up" button through the bottom of the controller in her haste.  However, it just wouldn't stop.

            "Y'know, I coulda been big.  The Budweiser Chameleon."

            *Click.*

            The screen showed a group of healthy, attractive young adults in a mosh-pit.  "There's a party inside every bottle of Hard Lemonade."

            *Click!*

            "Buzz Beer: you know it's working because your head pounds."

            *CLICK!*

            "Fosters: Australian for Beer."

            *CLICK!* 

            Mister Rogers was on.  Ryoko almost let out a sigh of relief.  Almost, because she was lying on the floor in a fetal position, hyperventilating and rocking back and forth.  "There!  No talk of alcohol on a kid's show!  It's the law!"  She laughed insanely.  

            The beloved children's idol chuckled mindlessly.  "Well children, for our special adventure today, we're going to a brewery, where beer is made.  Doesn't that sound fun, kids?  Now, you kids aren't supposed to drink, but if you did, it would have to be Coors!"

            The monologue was interrupted when Mister Rogers, and the rest of the TV, exploded as Ryoko pumped a bolt of energy into it.  She glanced around wildly as she activated her beamsaber, practically begging something to start spouting beer commercials.  "There!  Free at last!"

            Kione, back from another long patrol, walked in on the ranting space pirate.  Ryoko immediately noticed that the Galaxy Police officer was drinking something dark from a bottle.  "What is that!?"

            Kione looked down at the drink in her hand.  "What, this?  It's just something to steady my nerves after dealing with that bubbleheaded partner of mine.  If you want one, there's a six pack in the fridge."

            Ryoko let out the piercing wail that would have put most banshees to shame and flew straight upwards, smashing through the ceiling.  As pieces of wood, plaster and shingles fell through the hole, Kione thought she heard a cry of, "IS THE WHOLE WORLD OUT TO GET ME!?"

            Kione blinked twice.  "What's her problem?"  She shifted her hand slightly, revealing that the label read "Vanilla Coke."  She shrugged, then continued on her way.  "I guess she must be a Pepsi drinker."

            *                                                          *                                                          *

            Meanwhile, in Washuu's Lab…          

            To start with, Boomer and Lance had gotten bored.

            After Phil had left the nuclear fallout shelter, the dysfunctional Battle Armor troopers had had nothing left to do.  They had mastered all of the video games on their Playstation, pool gets redundant after a while and Timbiki Dark on its own can provide only so much recreation.  

            This was regarded by all members of the Black Sheep platoon as a BAD thing.  

            When they had nothing better to do, the duo had a bad tendency to "tinker."  Occasionally, this was a good thing; once, when modifying a infantry portable PPC, they had found a way to increase the damage potential by twenty-five percent without increasing the weight of the weapon.  Most of the time, however, the results were disastrous.  

            To find out exactly what happened with most of their "projects," you need only ask Private Davidson why what little hair he has left is permanently dyed a bright orange, or talk to Sergeant Adams about where the tip of his big toe went.  Because, more often than not, whatever Boomer and Lance tinkered with would burst into flame, release toxic gas and/or explode.  

            Thus, when Lance had announced his intention to make sure the shelter's nuclear reactor was "running smoothly," there had been some concern.  Fortunately for everyone involved, Private Jones suggested that they go check out Washuu's lab.  "After all," Jones had said, "She's bound to have all kinds of cool stuff to play with!"  Thus was an atomic holocaust avoided, and there was talk of either a promotion or a medal for Jones.

            After abusing their Battle Armor's stealth capabilities to sneak into the laboratory, they had found out that indeed, there WERE many bright and shiny objects in Washuu's lab, most of them covered in buttons that just begged to be pushed.  Unfortunately for Boomer and Lance, all of the labels were in Japanese.  This was a problem; their Babel Fish normally did a good job of making sure that they understood what was said.  However, they did nothing to translate written language.  

            Now, most people would have decided that it was suicide to just go into an alien laboratory and start pressing buttons and taking things apart.  These two had also had reservations, until Boomer had had an idea; to avoid any kind of disaster, why not test each of the buttons first so they could find out what each squiggle means?

            This plan ignored the fact that testing the buttons would unleash whatever horror they wanted to stop in the first place.  But, it was the plan they had chosen, and it had gone well so far.  

            Thus, Boomer and Lance in the process of destroying Washuu's lab.  The destruction was simultaneously methodical and unintentional.  They weren't trying to blow up anything; they were simply employing the scientific method of experimentation (AKA: trial and error method) in the pursuit of knowledge.  They were just experimenting on things that technically didn't belong to them.  

            Both men were in their suits of Grey Death Battle Armor.  Lance was standing a few feet away from Boomer, and held a pencil and clipboard in his suit's articulated hands.  Boomer stood near what looked to be a large vat with several intimidating looking symbols written on it.

            Lance went back over what he had written.  "So far, we know that this scribble is "flammable," this one is "volatile," and this one is either "Warning: Biohazard" or "Do Not Touch."  I'm not exactly sure which."

            Boomer looked from Lance's clipboard, then back to the vat.  He pointed to the undefined symbol.  "Hey, that one's written on that big metal thingy.  Let's find out what it means."  He reached up and turned on a faucet.  A thick, glowing green substance spurted from the orifice, hit the metal floor and began to burn through.  

            (On a side note, a spider was caught in a puddle of the substance.  The green stuff, an experimental artificial sweetener of Washuu's own devising, gave the spider powers far beyond normal arachnids.  It briefly considered finding an appropriate host to bite, thus granting the human with great powers, but then decided that it was just too hot that day to create superheroes, and just died.)

            The sound of Lance's pencil scratching the paper filled the air for a moment.  "So that is definitely the Kanji for Biohazard.  Great!"

            Then Boomer saw it.  It was located in the center of the lab's main room.  It was a massive column that extended upwards from the floor and to the ceiling.  The metallic surface was pockmarked with literally thousands of display screens, receptacles for a variety of disks and, most important of all in Boomer's eyes, buttons.  Red buttons, blue buttons, green buttons, buttons that stuck out from the column, buttons that were recessed into the monolith and buttons that didn't seem to have any other purpose than just to look good.  Boomer walked forward in short, halting steps, as one would approach a sacred object.  "It's… beautiful."

            Snappy, upbeat music (think Homer's "Land of Chocolate" dream sequence from the Simpsons) played in the background as Boomer abandoned his subdued awe in favor of a "kid in a candy store" mentality.  Although still clothed in his Power Armor, he began to skip merrily around the pillar, pressing buttons at random.  And there was great joy, as lights throughout the lab flickered on and off, computer screens began to state that Windows XP had not been deactivated properly,** and various red lights and warning klaxons came to life.  Boomer didn't notice, though.

            Suddenly, he stopped.  Lance, who had somehow managed to write down the exact function of each button as it was pressed, almost ran into his partner.  "Hey, what is it?"

            Boomer pointed to a spot on the column.  "Ooooooh.  Button."  He hit his jump jets, rocketing through the air.  Once he had reached ten meters, he lashed out with his right hand, touching a bright red key.  

            Suddenly, the warning klaxons became much more insistent.  A artificial voice came over the intercom.  "Warning: self destruct sequence initiated."

            Quote Boomer: "Oops.  Wrong Button."

            Lance was in full agreement.  "We need a scape-goat, or else Washuu's gonna kill us."

            At that precise moment, Mihoshi entered the lab.  Besides being with her bestest best friend Kione and eating, her favorite thing to do was to play in Washuu's lab.  And she knew that Washuu was always pleased to see her.  Sure, Washuu SAID that she had all of the security systems designed specifically to stop her from entering the lab, and SAID that she wasn't supposed to be there, but that couldn't be true.  After all, if there WERE security systems to keep her out, how did she get in at all?  And if she wasn't supposed to be there, why was she in the Lab in the first place?  It just didn't make sense.

            Mihoshi looked around.  Something was off.  Maybe it was the bright flashing lights and sirens warning of imminent doom.  Maybe it was the growing pool of glowing acid on the ground.  It almost looked like she had already been playing in the lab!  

            Then she saw two robots.  Two tall, scary looking robots.  "Eek!  Who are you?"

            She blinked as the robot on the left said the same thing, in the same tone.

            The machine on the right lifted his helmet's faceplate, revealing Lance's face.  He pulled what looked to be a palm-pilot from one of his holsters.  "Hmmm… household personnel roster says that she's Mihoshi.  Threat index level… Ten of Ten!?"  He pressed a few more buttons.  "Hmmm… threat level is in direct correlation with her klutziness level."

            Mihoshi blinked.  "Um, I don't like to say this again, but who are you?"

            Mihoshi didn't see the gleam that entered Lance's eye.  Lance grabbed Boomer by the shoulder and spun him about.  There were some murmurings that the two robot-men were exchanging.  Then, Lance spun about on one heel.  He pointed first to himself, then to Boomer, saying "Hi!  I'm Bill, and this is Ted.  We're your imaginary friends."

            "You are?"  Mihoshi didn't REMEMBER having any imaginary friends… well, at least not since Kione had sat on Harvey the Wonder Hamster.

            "Yup.  And we need you to do us a favor.  Come here"  As Mihoshi joined the Destructive Duo, the computerized voice announced that there was one minute remaining until the column self destructed.  "Climb up and push that red button that's flashing there, and try to look confused."

            "Huh?"

            "Perfect!  Well, we have to go now!"  First Lance, then Boomer pressed a button on their Battle Armor's left glove.  There was a brief shimmering and they disappeared.  

            That was when Washuu came in the door.  "Ah!  Now that Lunch is over, today is a great day for Sci…"  Washuu noticed the warning klaxons, the sirens, the soulless voice informing her that she had five seconds before the Central Control Column (or C³ unit) exploded and Mihoshi hanging onto the side of the column, pressing the self destruct button with a dazed look on her face.  Washuu's voice changed to a tiny squeak.  "…ence?"

            As the computer asked them both to have a nice day, the C³ unit exploded in a very impressive fireball.  The house shook from the shockwave, but this being Japan, the Masaki clan and houseguests waved it off as just another earthquake.

            When the smoke cleared, Washuu emerged from a pile of metallic debris and looked around.  "Mihoshi!"

            The blond girl extracted herself from the same scrap pile. She was covered in soot, and a small puff of smoke escaped her mouth as she said,  "Owchies." 

            Washuu instantly leapt into the air, somehow ignoring gravity and staying there, and pointed at Mihoshi.  "Mihoshi!  How many times must I tell you to stay out of my Laboratory?!  You are so stuuupid!"

            Mihoshi blinked.  "But it wasn't me!  It was my imaginary friends, Bill and Ted!"

            Washuu floated back to the ground.  She was glowing a bright red.  "Grrrrrrrrrrr…  Mihoshi!  You are stuuupid!  And you are stuuupid!  And you are stuuupid!"

            Mihoshi ran from the lab, crying so hard that there was an easy to follow trail of tears.  Washuu groaned.  She placed her hands on her hips, surveying the ruins of her lab.  "Will you just look at this mess!"  Washuu summoned her holographic laptop and tapped a few keys.  Instantly, the various pieces of scrap-metal were all transported to one of her many pocket dimensions, while replacement equipment was summoned from another.  She slumped into her chair, wiping the perspiration from her forehead.  "Whew!  What a cleanup job!"  She returned to her laptop.  "Well, enough dillydallying.  Time to get back to experiment XP-39C².  She shall be my greatest creation of all!  Muahahahahahahahahahaha!"  Then she stopped.  "Maybe I shouldn't talk to myself like that.  People might think that I'm crazy.  No they won't.  Yes they will.  NO THEY WON'T!"  The camera faded out, leaving Washuu to argue with herself about whether or not other people thought that she was crazy.

*                                                                      *                                                          *

            A short while later…

            Phil was currently in a crouching position while using his flight powers to float a few feet off of the ground.  (In other words, he was ripping off Piccolo.  Not that Phil cared.)  He was currently deep in concentration, losing himself in at least two different energy fields.  He felt as if he was one with the universe, and all was well…

            Yet, he felt a great darkness descending upon his adopted home.  Visions of a horned demon devouring a planet filled his mind.  What disturbed him the most was that the demon seemed very familiar… too familiar for his comfort.  He also saw images of a dark figure with a scythe in its hand coming for somebody that he loved…

            "Hiya Phil!"

            "Gaaak!"  Even as he forced his mind to focus on the here and now, his body leapt into action.  Combat reflexes honed by years of training kicked in automatically as he dropped to one knee, rolled away from the sound of the noise, drew and activated his lightsaber, rose to his feet and moved the sulfurous yellow blade into a guard position.  And he faced…

            A very surprised looking Lance.  The trooper was currently in his civilian clothing, and Boomer was off to his left.  Lance currently had a video camera pointed at Phil.  "And this is the Phil.  Boomer and I are his Liaison officers."

            Phil deactivated his energy sword.  "What in the heck are you doing?"  Phil stopped for a second, then continued, his voice taking a more feminine tone.  "Yeah, you meanies!  That was scary!"

            Lance looked confused at Phil's change of tone, then shrugged it off as unimportant.  He pointed to the camera.  "This is for Lancecam.com.  Whenever I'm on duty away from home, I set up this site so that my friends and family back home can see how I'm doing."  Lance went back to filming for a few seconds, then seemed to remember something.  "Hey Boomer!  Show everyone Phil's cool trick!"

            "Will do!"  He pulled out a thermos and a canteen from his pockets.  "Cold water,"

            Fem-Phil parted the wet bangs that obscured her vision.  "Now wait just one second here…"

            "Hot Water!"

            Phil inhaled sharply.  "God that's hot!  Y'know, the water doesn't need to be boiling!"

            "Here, I'll fix it!  Cold Water,"

            Phil lost his Y chromosome again.  "Cut that out!"

            Boomer shrugged.  "Whatever."  He returned the canteen and thermos to their proper places.

            Lance said, "So Phil; tell the people back home what you were doing!"

            Phil shrugged.  "Just a little meditation.  Although, I suppose I should probably see my students.  I've been back for a couple of days, but I don't think they know yet."

            Lance seemed intrigued.  "Students?  Who are they?  And what do you teach them?"  It was difficult to tell whether he was asking the questions more for his benefit or for the audience at home. 

            Phil responded, "Well, my daughter Omi and her two little friends.  And I teach them martial arts."

            Boomer broke in.  "Which school?"

            Phil pondered this.  "Well, I suppose the actual style is closer to whatever they use on Dragon Ball Z, but the philosophy is closer to Ranma ½'s "Anything Goes School of Martial Arts," where the idea is, obviously, anything goes, so steal any useful techniques and call them your own."

            Lance coughed to get attention.  "Hello?  I'm the one doing the interview here.  So, Phil.  You have a daughter?  Are you the mother or the father?"

            Phil screamed at Lance, "THE FATHER YOU JACKASS!"  Her battle aura was easily visible.

            Lance turned the camera to film himself.  "Well, as you can see, Phil tends to be fairly moody.  I'm not entirely sure why she's like that yet, but we're working on finding the answer."  As Lance narrated, Phil grabbed Boomer's thermos and dumped it on herself.  Then, he took off and managed to get twenty feet off the ground before…

            Two yellow blurs tackled him at about mach 3.  As he flew towards the ground at better than the speed of sound, he activated his Mystical Powerup.  They slammed into the Masaki's yard, and burrowed several meters into the earth.  Their progress halted, but Phil still felt the two tiny forms that had latched onto him.  He coughed, clearing a surprisingly large amount of dirt from his mouth.  "What the…"

            By this time, GoChibi and Chibi Ryoko disengaged from their embrace.  The future moon princess said, "Hiya!", while the future ruler of Jurai said, "Salutations, Sensei."  

            Outside the crater, Lance spoke to the people at home.  "Don't worry, folks.  This kind of thing happens all the time."  

            Boomer checked his palm-pilot.  "Hey, I think there are supposed to be three of them."  Lance shrugged.

            Phil stood up and dusted himself off.  "Glad to see you two are OK.  But where's Omi?"

            GoChibi rolled her eyes.  "You know her.  Always too dignified to give her own father a hug."

            Phil blinked.  "Since when?"

            Chibi Ryoko looked concerned.  "Did you hit your head harder than I thought?"  She summoned her laptop and began to press keys at a furious rate.  "No… my medical sensors don't show any signs of a concussion."

            GoChibi's look of concern mirrored her friend's.  "What are you talking about?  She's always been like that."

            "Will you two stop being so undignified!?"  

            Phil glanced up and squinted.  A small figure was leaning over the hole and screaming at his companions.  "Omi?"  He leapt from the hole in a single bound, landing next to his daughter.  His other students followed suit.  

            Omi's face brightened slightly at the sight of Phil.  She gave a fairly deep bow.  "Oh, hello Father.  I trust that you have been well?"  Something seemed… off.  Her voice was the same, but it was as if all trace of an accent had been annihilated.  Phil knew that such perfect diction required years of practice.  Also, although she wasn't wearing a skirt, he got the impression that her bow had been little more than a modified curtsey.  And if Arthur was any judge of such things, it had been performed flawlessly.  Plus, she was simply annoying in a way that Phil couldn't identify.  He couldn't  quite place how.

            Phil shrugged.  "Can't complain much."  Then, he nearly performed a double-take as he finally noticed something.  "Um, Omi… When did you dye your hair purple?"

            Omi ran her fingers through her hair.  "Whatever do you mean, Father?  My hair has always been this wonderful shade of violet."

            Phil's mind reeled.  His thoughts ran along the following lines: "Back when she had green hair, she behaved like a fairly normal young teenager.  Now that Loki worked some voodoo on the time stream, she reminds of somebody else… the purple hair.  Good diction.  Aura of annoyance.  Completely prim and proper.  And that face… it isn't Kione's anymore.  But who DOES she remind me of?"  

            As Phil attempted to sort through Omi's major change in appearance and attitude, Ayeka stepped through the screen door.  The Juraian Princess stretched her arms, drinking in the sun.  "Goodness!  I cannot believe that I wasted half of this perfectly beautiful day reading!  I shall simply have to make it up!"  Then, she noticed the scene before her.  "Huh?  What's going on here?"

            Phil was about to respond when his mind latched onto something.  Something elusive, yet important.  He looked at Ayeka.  Then at Omi.  Back to Ayeka.  Back to Omi.  Ayeka.  Omi.  Ayeka.  Omi.  Aye…

            Phil's mind finally connected the two concepts.  "Oh… dear… Lord…"  He spun around and shook his fists at the heavens.  "LOKI!  WHEN I FIND YOU, I'M GOING TO RIP YOU IN HALF!"

            In a puff of smoke, the Norse God of Mischief appeared before the disgruntled Saiyan hybrid.  "What did you say?"

            Phil's aura flared dramatically.  "You!  Where do you get off, ruining my life?"

            Loki seemed to be legitimately confused.  "Huh?  What are you talking about?"  He waved a hand, summoning a floating globe out of midair, with the British Empire glowing a bright green.  "I gave you dominion over a full third of the Earth's land mass!  What are you whining about?"

            Phil pointed a finger at Omi.  "Her, that's what!"

            GoChibi tapped Phil's shoulder.  "Are you SURE we didn't give you a concussion?"

            By this point, Chibi Ryoko was having difficulty deciding whether to have her sensors analyze the godly energy being emitted by Loki or checking to see if Phil truly was out of his head.  She opted for the latter.  "Nope, he's still showing up as completely healthy."

            By now, Omi was flustered, glancing about and hoping that there wasn't anybody important in earshot.  "Father, will please you stop this?  You are embarrassing me!"

            Phil continued his rant.  "I appreciate that whole dominion thing, BUT THIS!  Hooking me up with Ayeka!  Why is THAT necessary!?"  

            Ayeka suddenly paid very close attention to the conversation.  She had decided that Phil tormented her as an immature sign of affection.  Looking upon the girl identified as Phil's daughter from the future, she now saw the resemblance.  And smiled.

            Loki summoned brick wall from thin air, which he proceeded to lean upon in a nonchalant manner.  "You see, Phil, life is a series of balances.  Pleasure and pain.  When something good happens, something bad eventually happens to balance it.  If all you knew was pleasure, you wouldn't appreciate what you had.  Yet, if all you knew was pain, life would break you.  So, balance is required.  Because something good happens, i.e., you just inherited the largest Empire in Earth history, that is equalized by you being in a political marriage with the Juraian Royal family, i.e. Ayeka.  My hands are tied, really."

            Phil stomped up to the Norse god.  "That's a load of bull and you know it!  Now I want the truth!"

            Loki returned Phil's glare.  "You can't handle the truth."

            "Try me!"

            Loki's eyes never wavered.  "Alrighty then.  The truth is, there is no Santa Claus.  And the Tooth Fairy?  They're all just your parents."

            Phil crossed his arms, tapped his foot and gave Loki a look that said, "Stop messing with me."

            Loki shrugged.  "It's necessary for one very good reason.  I.  AM.  A.  GOD.  OF.  MISCHIEF.  It is my job to cause mortals like you pain and consternation for the purpose of entertaining the Gods of at least three different pantheons.  And you know what else?"

            Phil was somewhat wary as he responded, "What else?"

            Loki's grin ran from one ear to the other.  "I love my job."

            Phil blinked.  Then blinked some more.  "What?"

            Loki said, "Oh, I'm sorry, did I use too many big words, mortal?"

            As Phil let out an enraged battle cry, his aura became very visible, and took on a yellow color.  His hair followed suit, while his eyes shifted to a bright shade of turquoise.  Chief or no chief, Phil had gone Super.  "YOU BASTARD!  YOU HAVE THE GALL TO RUIN MY LIFE AND SAY YOU ENJOYED IT!!??  DIE!"

            Phil blurred away and reappeared behind Loki, intent on caving in his skull with a double-fisted blow.  He cried out in pain as his hands came into contact with a white hot energy field that the Norse God had summoned.  Phil blurred again, flying around Loki at speeds that most military jet fighters would envy, fists and feet lashing out in an attempt to wipe the smug grin from Loki's face.  All were blocked by the green force field.  

            Seeing that physical attacks were having no effect, Phil blasted away from Loki and summoned a ball of dark purple energy.  He thrust his hands at the God of Mischief, screaming "Shi Shi Houkou Dan!"  The massive bolt flew towards Loki with enough energy to vaporize a large planet.

            And it simply fizzled out of existence a few inches from Loki's face.

            Phil panted.  "What the…"

            Loki never stopped grinning.  "You see, Phil, I already told you.  You may be one of the most powerful mortals in existence, but you cannot face off with a Norse God and hope to win."

            Ayeka then made what is called a tactical blunder.  She stepped between Phil and Loki, saying.  "Besides, Phil.  You deserve it."

            Now, what she meant and how Phil interpreted the statement were two very different things.  What she had meant was, "You deserve someone like me to share your life with."  What he THOUGHT that she meant was, "You deserve a loveless life of pain and misery with me."  And he snapped.

            He blurred, and appeared right in Ayeka's face.  "What.  Did.  You.  Say?"

            Ayeka was somewhat nervous.  "Um, you deserve it?"

            Phil clenched his fists.  He turned to face his students.  "Girls, would you mind leaving us alone for a moment?"  They complied, flying off to who knows where with all possible speed.  He then spun around to face Ayeka again, ready to turn her into a red smear.  "You really think I deserve you?"

            She breathed a sigh of relief.  "Well, yes!  I love you!"

            Phil powered down, his hair going from a bright yellow to brown, and his eyes from turquoise to green.  His jaw went completely slack.  "Wha?"

            Ayeka decided to take this opportunity to latch onto him, and look lovingly into his strong, green (if slightly confused) eyes.  "Yes, Phil.  I realize now that you were only trying to communicate your true feelings towards me with your silly pranks.  And a reciprocate them fully."  She sidled up even closer and whispered something very un-princessly in his ear.  So much so, that it is unsuitable for a family fanfic.  It won't be printed in this one, either.

            Phil's adrenal gland immediately started pumping out massive amounts of adrenaline, preparing a fight or flee response.  In the end, he chose flee.  

            His aura flared to life around him again, knocking Ayeka away in the ensuing dust cloud.  Then, Phil blasted away at full speed.  Before he went over the horizon, Boomer, Lance, Loki and Ayeka could hear the following: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

            Ayeka was very confused.  "Was it something I said?"

            Boomer shook his head, muttering one word: "Tact."

            Loki smirked.  "Excellent.  All goes according to plan.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have places to be."  He disappeared in another puff of smoke.

            It turned out that the girls had flown into the kitchen, intent on finding sustenance after their long training exercise.  Nobody noticed as Omi's hair shifted back to its original green color.

            And Phil was later found under his bed at Physics Police HQ, tucked in a fetal position, rocking back and forth muttering, "Grossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgross…"  Well, you get the idea.

                                                            End Part 44

            What is this mysterious "experiment XP-39C²?"  Will Ayeka ever develop the slightest modicum of tact?  Will BobCat receiver money from the Coca-Cola corporation for advertising their products?  What's Loki up to now?  Some of these questions might be answered in Part 45 of the Ballad the Physics Police!

            *And the 700 years in stasis didn't count anyway.  After all, as she had been disconnected from her physical body, she didn't have the craving for 

 alcohol.  

            ** Remember this: Windows©®™ is everywhere, and Microsoft owns you, whether you know it or not.  Thus, Washuu has little choice but to use it.

            Author's Note:  In case you didn't get it, Washuu was pulling a pretty good impression of Dexter 牦浯䐠硥

from Dexter's Lab.  By the by, am I the only one who notices the parallels between Tenchi Muyo and Dexter's Lab?  I mean, you have the short, redheaded, semi-evil scientist with the most advanced lab on Earth, whose experiments are constantly being destroyed by a well meaning blond ditz with a short attention span.  

            Another note: New No-Prize competition: Whoever can identify where I got the serial number "XP-39C²" gets a No-Prize and screen credits.  So hop to it!  

            New Note: The previous No-Prize has already been claimed by Ebiris.  But, the other has not.

            The Final Note: Another No-Prize competition.  Which fiction did I stea… er, borrow Timbiki Dark from?   Anyone who knows gets (duh) a No-Prize.


	45. Physics Police in Collision Course

Part 45

Physics Police in Collision Course

By BobCat

This, and all other chapters Edited By: Flaktrap 

            Disclaimer: It isn't mine.  That is all.

            It is a little known fact that there is substantial interaction between the various pantheons of the gods.  This is due to the simple fact that when one is immortal, one starts to become bored with even the most splendid heaven.  Such boredom has lead to cranky gods, who cause such catastrophes as Pompeii being buried under a layer of volcanic ash.*  It became vital to have somewhere to get away from it all.  

            Other heavens are the logical choice, as they don't require that the vacationing god to interact overmuch with mortals.  Long before the Greeks had encountered the Teutonic tribes to the north, Ares was going to Valhalla on his days off.  The rivalry between Thor and Raiden** went further back than Norse knowledge of any place known as the Orient, and so on.

            However, not all meetings of the gods are for simply to relieve boredom.  Occasionally, a new threat forces all of them, be they Greek, Norse, Japanese, Celtic or whatnot, to band together simply to survive.

            This wasn't one of those meetings.

            As for the meeting place, it was a spot chosen for various reasons.  For one thing, it was neutral territory to all involved.  For another, it was ensured that there would be minimal odds of a mortal happening upon them, simply by the location.  And finally, it had cuisine unmatched in any heaven.

            In short, it was a Denny's in downtown Manhattan.  

            To clarify, it was far enough away from Europe and Japan that nobody had anything approaching a home field advantage (a very real concern, as the gods rarely play fair).  Also, it was in such disrepair that few mortals would ever eat there.  And there was no doubt about it: the cuisine was not to be matched, at least so long as the stringent quality control that the gods had implemented were in place.  

            The owner and proprietor, an utterly disgusting man named James, was always glad to give this "Low Key" guy free reign, mainly because he was the primary source of revenue for the franchise.  

            It was in these humble circumstances that Loki had called together the gods for something very interesting.  In his wager with Arthur, there was great chance for amusement.  But, there was little chance for material profit, as opposed to the great number of favors he had called in to reform universe FC-1.  Thus, he employed the old standby of godly entertainment.

            The side bet.

            Many a tale has been told of the twelve labors of Hercules.  Few know, however, that accompanying the great tasks that created the superlative "Herculean" was a flurry of wagers to make Las Vegas seem like a moist sponge compared to a swimming pool.  When Odin hung for nine days from the World Tree in order to learn his nine charms, gods from Zeus to Hachiman to Freyja to Morrigan had money that said he wouldn't last three.  When Amaterasu, the Japanese sun goddess, withdrew into her cave to hide from her brother Susa-no-o, the world had been plunged into darkness.  Even as the mortal plane died, many a deity placed bets on whether or not she would ever leave, and if so, when.  

            All had proven very profitable for the first god to begin organizing the wagers.  With a small service charge taken out, mind you.

            The chaos in FC-1 meant that there were a multitude of potential bets.  Loki wanted a piece of the action.  

            And he would get it.  

*                                                       *                                                       *                                                     *

            Space.  The final frontier.

            There's one thing to say about space.  It is really, really big, and filled with a whole lotta nothing.

            A fact that Ralph was well acquainted with, since he'd been spending a LOT of time in hyperspace within the bowels of Ryo-Ohki.  

            Fortunately, this time he'd had the foresight to bring along a few day's worth of activities.  A few board games, his Game Boy and some books, including a stack of his manga.

            Currently, Minako and Makoto were leafing through his manga, Ami was rereading a trigonometry textbook, and Rei and Usagi were playing a game of chess.  

            Ralph chuckled to himself.  He didn't know why Rei was feeling so mean; at her best, the FC-1 Usagi lacked even the limited intelligence of her canon counterpart.  _Heck, it's like clubbing a baby seal. _

That's when there was the sound of _THUNK _as a pawn was brought down on a chessboard with significant force.

            "Checkmate!" cried a happy voice.

            Ralph blinked.  _That wasn't Rei's voice.  If I didn't know better, I'd say that was…_

"I lost!  But…"  Rei stood up rapidly, staring incredulously at the chessboard at her feet, as if those actions would cause her king to become free.  "HOW?!"

            Ralph blinked again.  He said under his breath, "Looks like the seal had its own club."

            Neither Senshi heard the comment.  Usagi pointed towards the board.  In a well reasoned tone she stated, "Well, I used my favorite tactic, which I call the "Russian Line."  Basically, I played it conservatively while sacrificing my queen and a bishop, and when you overextended yourself my knights got your queen and rooks in a couple of turns.  From there, I just pushed and you crumbled pretty easily.  I call it the Russian Line strategy because it's kinda like Russia whenever they get invaded, y'know?  They just fall back and let the environment work in their favor, then strike at the least expected time.  Of course, chess doesn't have an environment, but it still worked pretty nicely.  Plus, you used some really elementary moves, like you were playing a first timer, which made it easy enough.  You left yourself open all over the place, like you were expecting me not to notice your weaknesses.  Really, Rei.  I expected better."

            Suddenly, there was silence.  All inhabitants of the ship, as well as the ship itself, stared in bewilderment, jaws slack almost to the point of dislocation.  Ami's textbook slid from her limp hands, hitting the ground with a loud thud.

            Usagi cocked her head, narrowing one eye slightly.  "What?"

            Ami was the first to break the heavy silence.  "Y-you just beat Rei at a game of strategy.  You just spoke as if you played the game regularly, and you even claim to have a favorite technique, named for the historical difficulty of attacking Russia.  Yesterday, you kept asking how to move the 'horsies.'"

            Usagi's confusion was as great as her friend's.  "What're you talking about?  I remember us playing yesterday.  You won, but it was really close.  And what makes you think that the girl who took 3rd in the school's annual chess championship would keep asking about horsies?"

            Minako whispered to Makoto, "I knew she'd crack someday.  I mean, inventing fictitious awards won at imaginary competitions?"  The Senshi of Jupiter only nodded in agreement.

            Usagi glared at the two.  "Only chess club members were invited."  Then, she turned to Ami.  "And what makes you think I don't know anything about Russia?  Remember?  I did that report last year?  I got an A!"

            Rei was still miffed by her loss.  "I remember.  You were assigned France and gave a presentation on French's mustard."

            Usagi redirected her venomous glare to her best friend.  "What the hell are you talking about?  The teacher said it was professional quality!"

            "Only if you like mustard commercials!"

            "Look you ignoramus, I know everything about Russia from the time of the Mongol Empire to World War II, and that's only because the Soviets do a good job of keeping the truth hidden!"

            Rei was having trouble keeping track of that sentence, so she went with a safe answer.  "Baka!"

            "Little Ms. 'I got a C+ on my presentation on Germany 'cause I kept calling Germainy!'"

            Rei winced slightly.  It had not been one of her prouder moments.  "So?  It was better than you, mustard girl!"

            At this point, lightning was shooting between their eyes.  

            Ralph decided to not get involved.  He picked up the copy of Catcher in the Rye and started reading.

            He made the right choice.

            More improper words and insults were hurled back and forth between Usagi and Rei.  After a few minutes of this, it became obvious that both could do this for hours.

            Ever the peacemaker, Ami patted Usagi on the shoulder in a reassuring manner.  "Usagi, I know you aren't the best student.  But that's no reason to make up all of those things."

            Usagi was aghast.  Tears were welling up in her eyes.  "I'm sorry I haven't devoted my entire life to studying like you have!  But that doesn't make me an idiot!  And I thought you were the nice one!"  Suddenly, a very unpleasant thought leapt into her mind.  She glanced at her teammates.  "You all think I'm some kind of brain-dead moron, don't you?"  Nobody responded, and all avoided her gaze as they shifted uncomfortably in place.  In Usagi's mind, the very fact that they didn't say "no" was enough.  Trails of tears were making their way down her cheeks as she ran into the corner of the ship.  "This is really hurting my psyche!"  Then, all that could be heard was sobbing.

            Rei suddenly felt as though she was three inches tall.  She and the other Senshi got into a huddle.  "Guys, something's different about her."

            Makoto said, "Yeah, since when does she use words like psyche?"

            Minako nodded.  "Heck, _I've _never been entirely sure what that meant."

            Makoto looked at her friend with an incredulous gaze.  "Since when are you dumber than Usagi?"

            Less than a minute later, the Senshi of Venus had found her own corner to cry in.

            Both Ralph and one of Ryo-Ohki's floating crystals sweatdropped.  

            Rei glared at Makoto.  "Oh, nice going, Makoto!  Now they're both crying!"

            "Hey!  You started it, Rei!"

            Ami tried to get them back on topic.  "So, assuming something _has_changed about Usagi, what is it?"

            There was silence for a moment, except for the flipping of pages and two girls sobbing.  Rei suggested, "Demonic Possession?"  

            Ami shook her head.  "No, Yoda-Sensei or Ralph would've noticed something like that."

            Makoto had a thoughtful expression for a moment.  Suddenly, inspiration hit, and her features brightened while she snapped her fingers.  "Why not check your Mercury Computer?  If something from outside her changed her, it might have noticed it."

            Ami summoned the visor and holographic laptop.  She began scanning Usagi's weeping form.  She took a few moments, then reported, "Beyond a heightened adrenaline level brought on by the emotional stress, there's nothing unusual about her."

            Rei pondered.  _This is very familiar… something changed, and not everyone remembers it…_  "It's like Grandpa!"

            Makoto's eyebrow raised.  "Mr. Connery cries too?"

            Rei smacked her forehead.  "No no no!  Ralph told me that when universes change, sometimes they don't go together seamlessly.  I mean, I have no memories of that… playboy being my Grandpa, but you all accept it as reality.  Maybe something happened, Usagi got smarter, and we just don't remember it."

            Ami tapped a few more keys on her computer.  "My sensors do show a chronological shift occurring while we were asleep yesterday.  Can't pinpoint exactly what happened, but your hypothesis would make sense."

            Makoto said, "Poor Usagi!  Trapped in a world she never made!"  The ship shuddered slightly as Ryo-Ohki made the transition from hyperspace to realspace, but nobody really noticed.

            Ralph gave Rei a sideways glance.  "I'd suggest apologizing.  Imagine how you'd feel if everyone started treating you like you had the mental capacity of a five year old?"

            Makoto rubbed the back of her head with one hand.  "Yeah, I should probably tell Minako I didn't mean that either."  

            Suddenly, Ryo-Ohki began meowing insistently.  Ralph was the only one that understood.  "Radar contact?"  Ralph looked out the viewport, and saw that space was once again black, with the Earth beginning to fill their view.  "At this altitude, it's probably just a satellite.  Adjust course so that we don't hit it."  He went back to reading his book.  

            A louder "Miiiyaaaa!" filled the air.  Ralph ignored it, figuring that the cabbit was being overly dramatic.

            Ami, being the only other person not involved in apology, looked at a screen.  "Um, Ralph, I think that's an awful lot of blips for one satellite."

            Ralph looked up from his book.  "What the… and they're getting closer…"  He instructed the screen to zoom in, and he saw what the blips were.  "Aw shit.  Ryo-Ohki, if you have any kind of energy shielding, turn it on.  Girls, buckle in.  We're in for a rough ride."

*                                                          *                                                          *                                                          *

            Loki continued.  "Now that we've completed the first round of side bets, it's time for the main event.  Pan, if you please?"

            The goat legged man nodded.  He was dressed in a small Italian suit that was a light gray color.  Of course, the pants were a custom job to accommodate his back-canted legs, but he could more than afford it.  After all, the Bookie of the Gods had plenty of material wealth to spread.

            For those of you who don't remember the satyr being anything more than a drunk who had a thing for playing his pipes, you are correct.  Actually, his was a very interesting story.  One day during the dark ages, he'd been partying too hard in the mortal realm and got very smashed.  Upon returning to heaven, he made the mistake of hitting on Aphrodite, which Ares didn't appreciate in the slightest.  The god of war, being the jealous type, had placed a rather nasty curse on Pan; every time he so much a sniffed alcohol, he would begin to vomit uncontrollably.   

            For nearly a decade, the poor satyr was absolutely miserable.  He tried to continue partying, but the curse got in his way.  After a few years, people stopped inviting him to their shindigs, and he became notorious for being a party killer.  Eventually, he realized that he had little choice but to give up the stuff.  He tried a few other hobbies, but nothing captured his interest.

            Until one day, he discovered that he was very good with odds and numbers.  He practiced long and hard, eventually getting to the point where he could predict probability more accurately than any supercomputer.  His first opening had been when Freyja had suggested a wager to see how long those silly mortals would keep sending crusades to the holy land.  As the Norse goddess of love and fertility, she was by most accounts something of a ditz and couldn't add to save her life.  Pan had offered his services, for a small fee of course.  Since then, Pan had been involved in every successful wager of the gods.

            While somebody killed the lights, Pan walked over to a battered slide projector, grabbed the controller, and pressed a button.

            On the screen appeared the image of Arthur Pendragon.  Loki began his spiel.  "As many of you know, I recently entered into a contract with the late King Arthur of England.  Next."  There was a clicking noise, and a picture of Phil flickered onto the screen.  "This is Phil, Arthur's descendant.  You might remember him as the uppity mortal who KO'd Raiden in Valhalla."  There was some grumbling from the Japanese god of thunder at that comment.  Loki ignored him.  "At the moment, Arthur's mind is also inhabiting this man's body, as well as one of the mortal's past lives."

            A glowing figure raised his hand.  "And your point is?"

            Loki glowered.  "I was getting to that, Helios.  Anyhow, what makes this mortal so amusing isn't the number of voices in his head, although that _does _make things somewhat more interesting.  No, it is simply that this fellow has, despite the fact that he isn't the most attractive mortal in existence, managed to accumulate a small harem.  Next."  

            The screen showed a freeze frame of Phil flying away from Ayeka with all due haste.  In the corner were the words "lancecam.com."  "And the funny thing is that he doesn't even want it.  After an entire lifetime devoted to military and martial arts training, he has no idea how to deal with women who have an interest in him, as they've always been more attracted to somebody else.  He sees his current circumstances as some kind of massive practical joke.  Next."  

            The picture changed, to show Lotion giving Phil the Kiss of Marriage.  "Also, he made the grievous error of entering the village of the Chinese Amazons.  Now, two of the members of the tribe are honor bound to take him back to the tribe to use him as breeding stock.  Only one has yet to declare her intentions, but the other one is en route.  Next."

            Then, a picture of Kione came into view.  "Then, of course, there is the one that he actually likes, who he hasn't seen in weeks.  She isn't too aggressive, they have some common ground, and the two like each other.  Next."

            Finally, there was a picture of the Masaki household.  "What makes things even more chaotic is that he's staying at this place, a natural nexus for unusual phenomenon.  Thus, anything and everything can effect exactly who ends up being his mate, if anybody at all."  There was some murmuring as various gods and goddesses began discussing the possibilities for amusement.  

            Pan hit the lights, and several deities blinked as their eyes readjusted to deal with the brightness.  Loki produced a small sheet of paper from thin air.  "Now then, here are the rules.  This is the approved list of 'contestants,' with the odds of each of them landing Phil listed next to them.  Speak to Pan if you wish to make a bet.  If not, well, I hope that you enjoyed your food.  After the wager is placed, I have rented Mimir's well for your viewing pleasure.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be off."  Loki teleported in a puff of smoke, leaving the interested parties (which was all of them, as things had been very slow lately) to cast their bets.

            And Loki grinned.  

*                                                     *                                                          *                                                  *

            Earth's upper atmosphere:

            Ralph, meanwhile, had no reason to smile.  

            His hands currently had a death grip on the floating spheres that allowed the Jedi to control the craft's movement.  He jerked it to the side, barely avoiding a colliding with one of the multitude of insectoid alien.

            Ralph swore.  _What the hell is a swarm of Zerg doing here!?_  He pulled what counted for triggers on the spheres, sending a pair of laser bolts at a Mutalisk.  The C-shaped creature was sliced in two pieces, one bearing its fanged maw, the other with its scorpion tail and bat wings, each floating in a different direction.  Unfortunately, as anyone who fights the Zerg learns, there are a dozen more for every one that falls.  Three more Mutalisks swooped down from above, firing their projectiles into the ship's forward right wing, while a pair of Scourge rammed into the aft of the living starship.  Little more than bags of volatile chemicals with wings, the tiny creatures exploded upon contact with Ryo-Ohki's energy shield.

            There was a pained "Miiiiyah!" as the cabbit's shield was breached.  Ralph chanced a quick glance at a schematic that appeared on one of the floating crystals.  He bit back a curse as he saw that the primary thruster was down.  With the engine little more than scrap, most of Ralph's control of their path was shot.  All that remained was a secondary system woefully inadequate for the mighty task of slowing the ship's descent and a few maneuvering jets.  

            Ralph immediately angled all of these to act as retro-rockets, and the ship lurched as plumes of exhaust attempted to fight gravity's pull.  A weak mewling alerted Ralph to another Scourge attempting to ram his rear.  He hit the maneuvering jets, banking the ship onto its right side.  The kamikaze alien zipped by, and Ralph fired a burst of energy into its rear.  The chemicals within its gut combined, releasing the energy in an impressive explosion.  Ryo-Ohki plowed through the fireball, and her damaged right wing was shorn off, causing the craft to list heavily to the left.  Even the best pilot couldn't have righted the ship with the damage it had taken, and Ralph wasn't the best.  The ship began to corkscrew wildly, rolling end over end as it plummeted towards the Earth.  Ryo-Ohki wailed the entire way down.

            Ralph yelled, "Brace for impact!"

            Minako wailed, "We're all gonna die!"

            Ralph responded, "Don't say that!  The Force is with us!"  The ship began to spin even more rapidly.  _Please?_

            Rei muttered sardonically, "More like the force of gravity."

*                                                *                                                           *                                                        *

            Tenchi slid open the screen door, stepping into his house.  He was covered in a thin layer of sweat from one of his grandfather's training sessions.  As he walked past the living room on his way to the shower, he noticed that most everyone in the house was gazing vacantly at the TV screen.  There was also some girl with green hair (_Just great.  _He thought.  **_Another_** _alien chick!)_ and two men in military fatigues that he didn't recognize.  Only his grandfather, who was meditating in the shrine, was absent.

            Tenchi queried, "What's on?"

            The taller of the strange men turned his head.  Boomer said, "Shush.  Crocodile Hunter."

            Tenchi gasped.  "Is that on now?"  He ran in, taking a place on the floor next to Ryoko, who didn't even notice his presence.***  "Is this that live episode they've been hyping for a month?"

            Lance snapped, "What part of 'Shush.  Crocodile Hunter' don't you understand?  And yes, it is."  The Black Sheep trooper turned his attention back to the TV.

            On a river in northwestern Australia, an motorboat floated lazily along.  It's three inhabitants, one of whom held a camera, were taking the majesty of the Outback.  The motor was not going, as the noise was likely to scare away any wildlife.  

            Not that there were any animals to film.  It seemed as if the news of the "Crocodile Hunter: Live!" special had spread to every animal in the entire Outback, and all had decided that today was a good day to migrate or hibernate or just make themselves scarce.  

            Steve was currently muttering to himself.  "I told those bloody morons that a live episode would be a bad idea.  'The crocs aren't going to come out and do a bleeding Fantasia routine' I said.  'Each episode takes days of travel just to find enough interesting footage to make those lazy morons at home feel like they've gotten a natural experience' I said.  But did those buggers listen?  NOOOO.  'The audience will love it' they said.  Lousy sons of…"

            The cameraman, Joe, tapped Steve's shoulder.  "Um, Mr. Irwin, you do remember that we're on live, right?"

            Steve started.  "Oops… heh heh.  Just kiddin,' folks."  In a more subdued tone, he muttered, "Crikey, I'm screwed."

            Then, off to the left, there was a splashing sound.  All three turned, to see a reptilian form diving into the water.  It went under for a moment, then the green form surfaced and began paddling.  

            In a tone that was both hushed and ecstatic, Steve said, "Crikey!  Well, looks like we got ourselves a monitor lizard.  The monitor lizards are the biggest in the world, with the Komodo Dragon at the top of the heap.  O' course, we got some pretty big ones 'ere in the Outback.   I've seen a lot of these critters before, and this one is a real beaut!  Looks to be about 6 feet long.  We're going to close in and see what kind we got here."

            The third man on the boat, a fairly burly man named Mike, said, "Mr. Irwin, something is off about that lizard."  

            Steve hissed, "Just shut up and paddle!"  Mike shrugged, and did so.  

            As they closed in, Steve continued his monologue.  "Now, there are more monitor lizards 'ere in the outback than anywhere else on Earth, and like I said, they get bigger than anywhere but Komodo."  The lizard finally seemed to notice their presence, turning its head slightly to get a good look at its pursuers.  Most of its features were obscured by the water.  With a powerful stroke of its tail, the lizard spun about and began heading right towards the Crocodile Hunter and his compatriots.  

            Steve said, "Now this is exiting!  Monitor lizards aren't known for attacking people, 'cept fer the dragons, of course.  I don't think it's gonna attack, the li'le shela's probably just trying to find out what we are."

            Suddenly, the creature leapt from the shallow river, landing in the boat.  Steve screamed, "THAT IS NOT A MONITOR LIZARD, MATE!"

            The Zergling hissed menacingly.  It grabbed Steve and dragged him under the water.  His scream of terror became a blubbering sound as he hit the water, which began to take a red tinge.

            Mike quickly revved the motor, turned the boat about, and he and Joe began paddling as fast as they could, even as the tiny outboard motor strained to give them as much speed as possible.

            *                                              *                                               *                                              *

            Back in Japan, Washuu noted, "**That** is rarely a good sign."

            *                                              *                                               *                                              *

            For Ralph, the return to the world of the living was not a pleasant one.  His entire body ached, and we winced as the sun, which was far too bright today in his opinion, shone right into his eyes.  He mumbled, "Where are…"

            Ami, who was already using her Mercury Computer, responded, "My GPS system says that we're in Australia."

            Ralph staggered to his feet, with Rei already at his side, offering him some physical support as he returned to his senses.  "What happened?"

            Rei said, "I… I mean we were so worried when you blacked out.  When we hit the ground, the spaceship turned into some kind of rabbit thing.  We were all pretty stunned by the impact, but you hit your head inside the ship before it changed.  We got out at the last second; I think it was waiting until we were clear."

            The Jedi nodded.  "It wouldn't be any more pleasant for her if we were still inside.  How is Ryo-Ohki?"

            Minako was currently kneeling over the injured cabbit.  She hadn't transformed yet, and several strips of cloth from her t-shirt's sleeves had been ripped for use as makeshift bandages.  She answered, "She's hurt pretty bad.  It probably needs a vet."

            Ralph stepped forward, and almost slipped on the rubbery surface.  He looked down, and saw that the soil had been covered in a thick layer of purple… stuff.  It was interlaced with a complicated series of veins.  "A creep?"  Then he noticed a charred, vaguely insectoid form lying a few feet away.  "What the…"

            Usagi said, "It's one of those things that killed Mamoru."  Ralph was surprised that she was saying it in such an even tone.  _It's like she's talking about ancient history…in a way, she is.  _She continued, "It attacked us, but Rei managed to toast it."

            A thought struck Ralph as he looked at the fallen Zergling.  "I'd transform if I were you.  In a few minutes, about a thousand of these things are going to come over that hill," he said, indicating a hill to the east.

            Rei asked, "What makes you say that?  Jedi premonition?"

            Ralph said, in a completely flat tone, "No, I've just played this game before…"

                                                                                    End Part 45

            Author's Note: Wow!  An entire chapter without Phil!  I didn't know it could be done.

            *  On that day, Hephaistus, Greek god of fire and metal working, had had an annoying headache, and the people of Pompeii were partying too loudly for his tastes.  The rest is history.

            ** Bitter rivalries with your counterpart in another pantheon are a generally accepted way for gods to spend their spare time.

            ***Such is the power of the flickering idol that is television!

            Yet another pointless survey:

            Who is your favorite character in this story?  Anybody featured at all, be they my original creations, plagiarized characters or even minor characters like the red shirted Ensign who ceased to exist in Chapter Two.  


	46. Impact

Part 46

Impact

By BobCat

Disclaimer: Fanfiction is plagiarism. This is fanfiction. Reach your own conclusions.

A lone figure approached the Masaki household. She was clad in a hooded brown cloak that obscured her features, although a few strands of long, curly, blue hair were sticking out from the opening of the hood. The cloak itself was worn and ragged, and some spots were stained a dark brown color that was recognizable as dried blood. She was currently supporting herself on a large stick. The fact that neither bark nor branches had been stripped from the stick showed the haste with which it had been chosen.

Soap drew back the cloak's hood to get a better look at the place. Normally, her alluring green eyes and soft features would have made men take notice and women smack their paramours upside the head. However, she currently looked as though she had gone through a threshing machine. Her left eye was black and swollen shut, while the rest of her face was covered with a myriad of small cuts and bruises. 

The Chinese Amazon muttered a curse as it began to rain.. Actually, it wasn't so much raining as it was monsooning; the sky had suddenly turned dark, and it literally felt as if it was bucketing. The water seeped into her injuries. Immediately after cursing, she inhaled sharply at the pain this caused. Soap took a step forward, only to slip on the suddenly slick pavement.

She went down, cursing as a minor wound on her leg reopened. Blood began to flow onto the ground in a substantial trickle, only to disappear as the downpour diluted the red liquid.

Her head pounded as Soap rose up on all fours, struggling to keep her lunch down. After all, it wouldn't be becoming of an Amazon warrior to vomit all over oneself. She accomplished this task mostly because she hadn't eaten for the better part of a week. 

The pain and discomfort nearly overwhelmed her, and she had the fleeting desire to curl into a fetal position and just let the cold, hunger and loss of blood do its work. However, she managed to push this aside. For she was here to uphold her honor as an Amazon. Having been defeated by Phil, she was required to give him the Kiss of Marriage and work to make him a part of the tribe. Also, she was here to gather reinforcements.

After all, brining a strong male into the tribe didn't help at all if the horde of demons that had wounded her ensured that there was no tribe to bring him to. 

Using her walking stick, she managed to regain her footing. She began making her way towards the house again. She knew that Lotion was there because the green haired girl had sent a postcard. Soap knew that Lotion wouldn't leave the house as long as the rain was this intense. 

Then, Soap's combat senses flared. She picked up a faint trace of Chi somewhere in the gloom. Not enough to indicate a strong martial artist, but Soap admitted that at the moment she would fall in battle against anything stronger than a Chihuahua.* Soap briefly wondered who was stupid enough to be out in a rain like this. _Besides myself, that is._

Then, a tall and imposing figure stepped from the gloom. Although Soap had difficulty seeing, she could determine that it wasn't human. _What the! The demons have followed me!_

The figure stood at least two feet taller than the tall Amazon. It stood atop birdlike legs, but its body resembled a person whose head had been punched down into their torso. Four odd appendages stuck out from its torso. Two were located parallel to where the head should be, and the other two were arms. In place of hands were two pipe-like stubs placed below two three fingered talons. All four protuberances glowed with an eerie, unnatural light. 

Soap assumed a battle stance, albeit a shaky one. _So this is it. Very well. I shall go out like a true warrior._

The demon said something in its own demonic tongue. Soap ignored the gibberish. Letting out a battle cry, she slammed her walking stick into the creature's chest. 

Where it promptly snapped in two with a loud CLANG! 

Soap cursed again. _An iron golem! That's just my luck. _She stepped forward. She slid again upon the slick pavement, and hit the ground face first. 

As oblivion enveloped her, Soap hoped that hell would at least be warm. 

* * *

Meanwhile, aboard the flagship _Inquisitor_…

T'Keela stood before her master. "Lord Schlager. I have a report for you."

Currently, Schlager sat in a chair specially modified to fit his bulk in a fairly large office near the heart of the spherical ship. With space being at a premium on a spacecraft, Schlager saw it as a manner of prestige that one could easily play polo in the space he had set aside for his workspace. It was filled with treasures stolen from a thousand score worlds, and visitors were forced to take a path that led them past the most exquisite pieces of his collection. The message sent those who entered was clear: The person here has enough power to squash you like a bug. 

The giant currently sat in a plush wheeled chair at a desk made of krun wood stolen from Mon Tessa. Schlager couldn't understand why the Moff had had so much difficulty unloading the stuff. It was quite possibly the nicest desk he had ever owned. Although it had taken a bit of time to remove the Moff's blood. 

The horned warlord never looked up from a report of the defenses of Coruscant. The orange skinned Twi'lek stood at attention, knowing far better than to interrupt her Lord than when he was thinking. 

Schlager read over the report on the garrison of the Galactic Empire's throneworld. A skilled tactician well versed in the technology of at least a hundred alien races from a multitude of timelines, he ran the numbers of defenders to what he could throw at it. A quick calculation showed that while he would probably win, any profits he made would be immediately spent on rebuilding. Check THAT world off the list of acceptable targets. _Now Bakura looks quite promising. Minimal Imperial garrison, a fairly large population, and it's so unimportant that the Emperor won't care too much if I sack it. _"T'Keela, send a few scouts to determine the Empire's garrison strength on Bakura."

She nodded. "Yes, my Lord." She knew better than to remind Schlager that she had a message to give when he had other things on his mind. The remains of the last man to try that were scattered across hyperspace. 

Schlager pondered for a few moments. He often tested his lieutenants in this way. T'Keela always passed. She was graced with a balance and control that many martial artists spent lifetimes failing to achieve. This was primarily because she had been trained from birth to be a dancer for some Hutt on the outer rim. Those from her clan who had failed to learn grace and poise had been sent to the Bright Lands to die in the blinding heat of Ryloth. 

Until, on one fateful day in a dimension several times removed from FC-1, the Inquisitor had jumped from hyperspace directly above the pirate frigate that was carrying her. She and several hundred other slaves had been taken aboard the massive flagship, and from there it should have been a routine trip to Nal Hutta to sell the Hutts what was theirs to start with. Not that any of them would know, however. Schlager always made sure of that.

That was until one of the slaves, barely fourteen years old, had instigated a revolt. Although her fellows were all taken down in moments, she had used the opportunity to slip away, abandoning all of her people to save her own skin. Showing a resourcefulness that still surprised Schlager to this day, she had made it as far as the shuttle bay before an observant trooper had noticed her sneaking towards one of the escape pods. 

Schlager had been sorely tempted to flay her alive right then and there. Then, he had seen the fire in her eyes. To be cliché, she had reminded him of himself at her age. Wild, rebellious, willing to let hundreds of others rot and die to assure her own freedom…

So, Schlager had decided that such a kindred spirit was best put to work under his command, rather than wasting such fire and drive by slaying her. The self-serving young Twi'lek had risen through the ranks through her own ability and willingness to arrange "accidents" for her competitors. 

Schlager trusted her as much as he did any under his command. Which is to say, very little. He knew that such hunger for power could very well be turned against him one day.

Hence the small explosive wired into her skull. Should his vital patterns shut down, her head would look like a watermelon after a performance by Gallagher. 

After he had informed her of the implant, her behavior hadn't shifted much. Although she was always sure that he was on time for medical examinations…

He finally decided that reminiscing was just a waste of time. He turned his chair to face his underling. "At ease, T'Keela. What is it?"

She ceased her salute, then stood in a rest position. "My Lord, one of our reconnaissance craft has just sent in a report. It was the Swiftwing class _Blood Kite_." 

Schlager's brow furrowed for a moment. "Wasn't the _Blood Kite_ sent to perform a reconnaissance of the Sol system?" She nodded. She handed him the three hundred page report, which included everything from the captain's logs to the position of major planetoids in that system's asteroid belt. He placed it on his desk. His nose scrunched slightly. "As though I have time to read this."

T'Keela pointed to the document. "Sir, I appended a twenty page summary of relevant data to the front of the report."

"Very good." Unlike some lazy evil warlords, he actually would read the summary at a later date. It was always a good idea to know at least as much as your underlings; it made it difficult to take you by surprise and slit your throat at unexpected moments. But for now, decisions needed to be made. "Give me the short version."

T'Keela nodded, sending her lekku (or brain tails) sliding from her shoulder to hang limply behind her back. "Aye, Lord Schlager. The _Blood Kite_ and her crew found a number of surprises. Not out of the ordinary, sir, was the fact that Earth is currently the only significantly inhabited planet in the system. However, there was a structure found on Pluto which corresponds with our data of the Sailor Moon "Time Gate." Other ruins were found on a few other planets and moons of the system as we closed in."

Schlager rubbed his chin with one finger. "Odd. I had been led to believe that we were in a baseline Star Wars universe. Continue."

The orange woman said, "Once a stationary orbit of the planet was achieved, we found that a variety of energy signatures that ran the full gamut, from Chi to Manna to Psionic distortions. That was when the real surprises began. Radar detected the Justice League satellite, as well as the Juraian starship Tsunami, although it was dormant. There were manna and Chi signatures side by side that are far stronger than traditional dimensional theory says should be interacting. Transmissions were intercepted with news programs regarding a recent conflict between the X-Men and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Also, judging from news broadcasts and satellite photos, the Earth has few independent nations, with a larger number of superpowers in their place. In short, this is a world that has just about everything."

Schlager's eyes widened almost imperceptibly. T'Keela could only tell that he was surprised due to their long association. He murmured, "Could this be it?"

"My Lord?"

Schlager once again pretended not to notice her. "An actual perfect fusion universe. Or at least, close enough for my purposes…" He finally took heed of his lieutenant. "T'Keela, this Earth is the greatest gem in all creation. It already stands along the borders of every major galactic empire in whichever universe it inhabits, the primary reason alien emperors are always working so hard to conquer it. Beyond the massive wealth of unique items to be found in such a place, this planet borders everyone from the Shi'ar to the Klingons to the Juraians. If we take and hold this planet, we can become a new Troy. Nobody shipping or passing through the area could get past it without a toll. And that isn't even counting the massive material wealth of the planet. We'd be the wealthiest beings in the multiverse!" As his monologue had gone on, it had risen constantly in volume and tone, reaching the end with Schlager jumping to his feet, pumping a three fingered fist in the air.

T'Keela's tongue discretely whipped out to catch some drool before it slid down her face.

Schlager coughed slightly in an attempt to cover his outburst as he lowered himself back into his chair. "We cannot allow our desires make us rush, though. Recall the _Blood Kite_. Put out the call to the entire fleet. Begin hiring mercenaries to fill our ranks. This is the big one. Set the rendezvous point in the Hoth system. Once we are assembled, we move out immediately."

T'Keela bowed. "Yes, My Lord. Do you have further instructions?"

Schlager nodded. "Indeed. Deploy a commando team to the Sol system. There are certain forces that it would be better to eliminate before we are forced into open battle. Specifically, since _Tsunami _is there, it is to be assumed that Tenchi Masaki is also in place. He's lucky enough that he might be able to inflict some significant damage upon my forces. That is all. Dismissed." The orange skinned alien left through the door, which immediately slammed down as she departed. 

Most evil villains would have taken this opportunity to laugh maniacally. Instead, Schlager opened the thick report that T'Keela had given him.

After all, most evil overlords never got as far as he did, and Schlager hadn't gotten to where he was by being another face in the crowd. Besides, most of the crowd ended up dead at the hands of some snot-nosed hero.

And dieing at the height of his power wasn't on the agenda at all. 

End Part 46

Author's Note: Yes, I know this chapter is a little short. Would you believe that, between school and marching band season, that these two scenes took over three weeks to make? The decision was between putting out a fairly short chapter (I've put out shorter) and not putting out anything for another week or so. I went with option number one, just because you've all been so patient. 

By the by, for those who don't know, FFNET is deleting the Crossovers section for no reason. I'm moving the fic, but in order to help me decide, I'm putting the vote up to you. The options are:

1) Sailor Moon

2) Dragon Ball Z

3) Tenchi Muyo

4) Ranma ½

5) Misc. Anime

The vote is currently deadlocked, so you could sway things! Go vote now, in the form of an e-mail or review!

*And even a Chihuahua would have given her troubles. 


	47. Whiplash

Part 47

Whiplash

Written By BobCat (battle_cat_tech@yahoo.com, and now also at bobcat@dragonball-gt.zzn.com)

Edited By flaktrap (flaktrap@hotmail.com)

Proud members of the Fanfiction Author's Union (e-mail at fanfic_union@yahoo.com)

Disclaimer: All those who would contest BobCat's claim to all of the characters and concepts presented within this fanfiction, please speak now or forever hold your peace.  (Scene change to a dark closet, in which several writers are bound and gagged.  George Lucas and Akira Toriyama are in the foreground.)  Nobody?  All right then.  (Ah, the benefits of union connections… oops, did I type that out loud?)

            In downtown Tokyo, chaos reigned.  Massive shockwaves hurled debris in all directions.  Molten asphalt ran down the street in rivulets.  Those fortunate few who had managed to avoid being crushed by flying cars or burned by what had been solid pavement scattered in all directions.  Nobody was entirely sure where they were running to, but their adrenal glands were working overtime.  All conscious thought was submerged by the fear and adrenaline, save one.

            _Cell has returned.  _

            Ralph's unfortunate wish for all heroes and villains be brought back to life was finally seeing results. 

            For nearly a week, Perfect Cell had contented himself to observe and study the unusual circumstances of his return.  He was not sure why the Eternal Dragon had returned him to life, but he had little desire to question a good thing.  He was alive again, which was all that mattered, for the dead rarely are given a chance for vengeance.  Impatience had finally gotten the better of him, and he was now rampaging in hope of drawing out that annoying brat who had killed him before.  

            Cell fired another Chi bolt into a gasoline truck that had somehow remained intact through the carnage.  The driver, apparently forgetting the vehicle's contents, had decided to seek sanctuary in the truck's cabin.  His error cost him his life, as the ball of life energy ignited the fuel and exploded.  The massive conflagration consumed nearly a square block of commercial district, instantly incinerating the few survivors of Cell's initial attack.  The fireball also passed over Cell, but he ignored it.  What's taking those annoying Z warriors so long? I need to pay them back for what I suffered in HFIL… I mean hell.  He cocked one arm back, summoned a ball of energy as large as himself and threw it into the air.  At the apex of its trajectory, the ball came apart.  Each section of the globe reshaped itself into an arrowhead shape and rained down upon a neighboring industrial sector.  Cell was rewarded for his efforts by a massive explosion, partially fueled by a ruptured gas line.  

            Cell's face contorted into a frown.  O_bviously those Saiyans have decided upon the better part of valor.  What do I need to do, vaporize Japan?_  Cell's face brightened slightly.  _That might not be such a bad idea, actually._  Cell bent his right leg and shoved off from the ground.  He levitated into the air, and then began to accelerate.  He stopped roughly ten thousand feet above the ground.  

            He inhaled deeply.  By deeply, that is in a manner that is anatomically impossible.  His rib cage expanded, allowing his lungs to become as large, if not larger, than the rest of his body.  Just when it seemed that he would explode, Cell released the air.  In a voice audible in Siberia*, Cell screamed, **_"GOHAN!  THIS IS CELL!   IF YOU DO NOT REVEAL YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY, I'M GOING TO COMPLETELY ANNIHILATE JAPAN!  YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES!"  _**

            His outburst finished, Cell's torso shrank back to its original size.  He took a few deep breaths.  Cell summoned a red ball of Chi, which he began to pump more and more energy into.  It began to double and redouble in size, eventually dwarfing its creator.  

            So intent was Cell in his task that he nearly leapt out of his exoskeleton when he heard a voice behind him.  "That's hardly necessary, Cell."

            Cell stopped powering up his attack and spun about.  He hadn't expected anybody to arrive this soon, much less… _him_.  "Vegeta?"

            It was indeed the self proclaimed Prince of all Saiyans.  Dressed a nice navy blue Armani suit, with an embroidered tie of the same color.  The shirt worn beneath the suit was worth more than many people earned in a week, and his tasteful black shoes were double that value.  Cell raised an eyebrow.  "Dressing for your funeral, I see.  You're finally beginning to show some foresight, Vegeta."

            Vegeta scowled.  Not his normal, "I'm nobility so treat me like it, damn it," scowl, but instead a much harsher glare.  _Damn that woman!  This is not attire fit for a warrior; it's tight and constricts my freedom of movement, possibly fatal in a_ _battle!  And it offers no protection against even the lightest weapons fire!_   His right hand darted up and furiously scratched a spot on his left arm for several seconds.  _And it itches!  Truly, this Armani fellow was a master of torture.  How do human males put up with this?  _

            Earlier that day, Bulma had come to a startling realization; Vegeta had no "proper" clothes.  This, of course, meant that a shopping expedition was in order.  The Prince of Saiyans was very quick to challenge this theory, pointing to his large collection of Saiyan battle armor and that plaid shirt he'd worn when Freeza had come to Earth.  The two had quickly begun an argument almost as loud as Cell's ultimatum.  

            Realizing that she had stalemated in her war of words, Bulma had quickly activated the number one weapon of women the world over: "The Look."  The Look is a half-lidded semi-glare that somehow manages to communicate disappointment and extreme anger without diminishing the impact of either.  Vegeta, under the power of the glare, realized that unless he acquiesced to his wife's demands, only further discord and strife would result, which could have all kinds of negative impacts upon young Trunks' psyche and the harmony of the household itself.

            Also, he wouldn't be getting any nooky until the turn of the next century.  

            Thus had begun one of the most hellish experiences of his life.  Hours upon hours of looking, trying on, putting back, comparison shopping, hounding from more sales personnel than Vegeta had known existed and all the noise, noise, noise noise!!!

            Had there been a Shopping Day, Vegeta would have been the Grinch that Stole it.**

            In the middle of trying on the itchy clothes that he was currently wearing, Vegeta had been overjoyed to see the mass destruction caused by Cell's rampage.

            Seeing that Cell had gone back to charging up his energy ball, Vegeta realized that he had been introspective for too long. He coughed and attempted to recover from his slipup.  "The only funeral this day shall be yours, Cell!"  He shifted into a fighting stance, ready to counter any move that Cell made. 

            Turning away from the massive orb of destruction, Cell chuckled slightly.  "I sincerely doubt it.  The tortures I was forced to endure in HFI… I mean hell have increased my strength beyond even Gohan's."  Cell crossed his arms and cried out.  A blue aura of energy surrounded him, and all of the clouds within a mile's radius of the two fighters were swept away as if a gigantic hand had wanted to clear its view of the battle.  The maelstrom whipped around Vegeta's hair, but he didn't budge an inch.  

            Vegeta chuckled.  Then, the chuckling degenerated to laughter, which quickly became so intense that Vegeta was in serious danger of splitting his sides.  

            Cell smirked.  The air crackled around him as he queried, "And what, pray tell, is so amusing?"  

            Vegeta managed to reign in his overabundance of good humor.  He wiped a tear from his eye as he said, "What do you think that I've been doing all of these years?  Playing tiddlywinks with Kakorot?"  Vegeta transformed to Super Saiyan.  The Armani suit strained to hold in his increased musculature.  

            Cell's eyes doubled in size as he felt Vegeta's power.   "I may have made a _slight_ miscalculation." 

            **********

            As Soap began the difficult transition from sleep to the land of the living, little bits of information about her surroundings trickled in.  First of all, there was a naked light bulb hanging from the ceiling.  The bulb swung back and forth in a slow arch, playing with the shadows in the otherwise unlit room.  Although she wasn't sure why, something seemed off.  Her perception was being skewed somehow, and her mouth tasted like tar.   

            Soap blinked several times, finally clearing her vision enough to make out the fine details.  There were two of them: a simple folding chair, and the Iron Golem that had beaten her earlier.  

            She made an attempt to break for it before the demonic figure noticed her, only to find that her arms and legs were bound together behind her back.  Also, the bindings were attached to ceiling in the same manner as the light bulb.  She thought aloud, "That explains why my vision was off…"

            Or at least, that was what she meant to say.  Instead what came out was "Mmm mmm mmmph mm mm mmm mmm mmm mpphh…"  Only then did she notice that her mouth had been gagged by duct tape. _ So that's why my mouth tastes so funny…_

            Suddenly, a female voice began yelling at her.  Soap couldn't understand a word of the harsh, monotonic language.  The unseen voice waited a few moments.  Then, she felt a hand latch onto her right leg.  Before she could offer even a muffled protest, Soap was spun around.  After turning one hundred and eighty degrees, another hand roughly grabbed her shoulder, halting the Amazon's lopsided motion.  

            Soap felt a brief wave of relief that it was another woman instead of a monster.  The newcomer was a willowy woman.  Her dirty-blonde tresses were tied off in a ponytail that reached the center of her back, although a few strands drifted about her face.  Her figure was gaunt, almost boyish.  The icy blue eyes conveyed a very simple message; "If you don't piss me off, I just might kill you last."

            To her right was Boomer, who was holding a shock stick.     

            The woman spoke again in her own tongue, and judging by her terse tone she was swiftly growing impatient.  Not wishing to infuriate the strange woman further, Soap attempted to use body language to explain that she couldn't understand.  The lack of available limbs made this nigh impossible, and all she managed to do was set herself into a looping motion identical to the light bulb's.  Her already unsettled stomach reacted violently, but Soap forced her insides under control.  _If I vomit with this gag on, I'll choke to death.  _

            Despite Soap's ineffective attempts at communication, the blonde seemed to catch on.  She asked in flawless Japanese, "Well if you don't speak English, what about Japanese?"

            Soap nodded twice.  

            Boomer inquired, "Well, why didn't you say so?"

            The blonde woman was not an Anime universe native.  Yet, she somehow managed to sweatdrop.  Soap joined in.  

            Coughing into her hand, the woman continued.  "Are you aware that you have violated the perimeter of a Terran Defense Coalition embassy security perimeter?"  More head shaking.  She sighed.  "May I inquire why you are here?"  As his associate finished her sentence, Boomer walked up and ripped away the duct tape across Soap's mouth. 

            Soap cried out as the tape removed her minimal facial hair and two layers of skin from her face.  

            The primary interrogator said, "Well?"

            Suddenly, Soap remembered exactly why she had come.  In a hurried voice, she babbled, "ADemonarmyattackingthe villageIwaswoundedearlyinthebattleandIwassenttoJapantobringhometheAmazonsresidingherehometohelpfighthedemonsand mmph!"  Soap suddenly found the strip of duct tape planted firmly over her mouth again. 

            Boomer tapped the adhesive strip.  Jezebel said, "What say we try that again with some clarity?"  Soap nodded, and the tape was removed.  

            Soap inhaled deeply to calm herself.  After all, it wouldn't be a good idea to anger her captors.  "Who are you?"

            "I asked first.  Answer my question in a concise manner, or else."  In a single maneuver, Jezebel hoisted an assault rifle from thin air.  Soap winced as Jezebel clipped something onto the edge of the barrel.  She may have been a little behind the times, but she did know what a bayonet was.  She quickly answered, "I am Soap of the Chinese Amazons."

            Jezebel rolled her eyes.  "I shoulda known.  God, it's always on my watch."  She glared at Boomer.  "Say, doesn't anything bad happen when you and Lance are on patrol?"

            Boomer sighed, and in a said voice said, "The lieutenant won't let us anymore."

            Jezebel blinked.  "Huh?  How did you manage THAT?"

            "Well, I'm not completely sure, but I think it was about a month before we got to this post…"

            Flashback…

            Boomer and Lance were in their Gray Death Battle Armor, sitting in specially reinforced lawn chairs.  Lance had taken off his helmet to enjoy a brew.  All seemed peaceful.

            Appearances can be deceiving. 

            Suddenly, a bright flash filled the air.  They turned around to see a massive mushroom cloud begin to expand a few miles away.

            A loud shriek filled the air.  It was Lieutenant Creel's voice.  "LAAAAAAAAANNNNNNCCCCCCEE!!!!!!"

            Lance scratched his chin in a thoughtful manner.  "I'd wondered where I left that thing…"

            End Flashback…

            Once again, Jezebel sweatdropped.  Soap coughed politely.  "Now, would you mind explaining who you are?" 

            In a somewhat friendly tone, Jezebel responded, "I'm Corporal 2nd Class Jezebel Ward of the Terran Defense Coalition, 5th Coalition Guards, Gamma Battalion, Alpha Company, Black Sheep Platoon. This is Boomer."  Suddenly remembering why she was here, Jezebel asked, "So Soap, what brings you all the way from China?"

            "An army of demons attacked my village.  I was wounded early in the fighting, and it was obvious that we couldn't hold out too much longer.  As I was too injured to battle but still able to walk, I was sent to Japan to gather reinforcements from the Amazons living here.  Lo Shun sent a letter saying that she was staying in Okayama, so I came here first.  Now tell me, how did you defeat that Iron Golem?"

            Jezebel snickered.  "That 'Golem,' as you called it, is an advanced piece of military hardware.  That suit of Salamander class Battle Armor has a couple of Plasma Flamers, a one shot missile launcher and can rip infantry to shreds with impunity.  I was in it earlier when you tried to hit me with your stick.  If I hadn't been in such a good mood, you'd be barbeque right now."

            Soap didn't quite understand all of the jargon, but she did catch the part about flame.  "It was raining.  You can't use fire in the rain."

            "Fire, no.  Plasma, yes.  That's what the surface of the sun is made of, little girl."  Jezebel gave a feral grin that caused the Amazon to shudder.

            Boomer, meanwhile, sensed something was off about Soap's tale.  "Is that the whole story?"

            "Yes!"

            "Really?"

            "Yes!"

            "_Really_ really?"

            "YES!!" 

            Boomer suddenly began jabbing the girl in the side with his shock stick.  In a sing-song voice, he said, "Somebody isn't telling the whole story!"

            Soap clenched her teeth.  It was difficult to say whether it was due to the pain of the memories or Boomer's annoying poking.  "Stop it!  Alright, I'll tell you!"  She let out a deep sigh, and finished her tale in a subdued voice.  "A few weeks ago, a man came to our village.  He insulted our martial arts, so I stepped forward to defend the tribe's honor.  He… defeated me.  And…"

            "…According to the laws of your village, you bound to track him down and take him back.  Yeah yeah, I've read the reports on you Amazons.  I don't suppose this guy's name is Phil, is it?"

            "Um, yes.  Why?"

            Jezebel shook her head.  "Pig.  I'd heard from Boomer here that he was a real playboy, but this clinches it." 

            Boomer made a shushing motion with his finger.  "Please don't say that again, Jez!  The last time a superior officer found out I was talking behind his back, I got KP duty for a month!"

            "I sincerely doubt that he even has the brain cells to think of that, Boomer."  With that, Jezebel performed an about face and walked toward the door.  Boomer followed.

            Soap cried out, "Wait!  Where are you going!?"

            Jezebel waved away the Chinese girl's concern.  "Don't sweat it.  We'll be back in a bit with some Bacta patches for your wounds."

            Boomer added, "Yeah, you can just hang around 'til then."

            Jezebel rolled her eyes.  "Hah hah.  Very funny, Boomer."

            Boomer asked, "What do you mean?  Did I tell a joke?"  Jezebel smacked her forehead.  With that, they exited the room. 

            Soap blinked twice.  After a few moments of silence, she screamed, "Hey!  Get me down from here!"

            It was at this point that Lance walked in.  Soap attempted to get his attention, but he seemed unaware of her existence.  He shoved her out of his way, making her rock back and forth with a savage intensity.  The red haired trooper opened a closet in the back of the room and began rooting around.  He began throwing a literal hail of empty beer cans, several of which struck the screaming Amazon.  Finally, a cry of, "Eureka" filled the air, and Lance hefted a massive keg of beer.  Ducking beneath the swinging and cursing Amazon, Lance left with the distinct impression that he was overlooking something.  Oh well.  Can't be important.   

            ***************

            The Outback…

            On a small hill covered by the purple Creep that nourished the Zerg Brood spreading across the continent, a Jedi and five princesses of the long defunct Moon Kingdom hurled attacks against the seemingly endless swarm of aliens.  They had slain hundreds of the ever-advancing horde for nearly an hour, yet it showed no sign of thinning.  

            "Mars Burning Mandala!"

            "Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!"

            "Moon Tiara Action!"  

            Three separate magical assaults were launched.  A wall of fire descended upon the swarm, setting dozens of Zerg on fire.  Those that survived the initial attack were swept away by a massive wall of water.

            And a golden Frisbee smacked a Hydralisk's forehead, causing it an insignificant amount of pain.  It then proceeded to continue its advance.  

            Sailor Mars looked at her leader with an incredulous glance, even as Jupiter and Venus launched their own assaults.  "Moon Tiara Action?"

            Sailor Moon got defensive.  "It's all I've got!  Everything else exorcises evil, and these things aren't evil.  They're just hungry.  What I'd give for a real weapon right about now…"

            Ralph snorted.  _I'd prefer a tank battalion._  Still, we're doing a lot better than I thought we would.  _Apparently training with Yoda powered them up a lot, even if they aren't all Jedi material. _ Ralph's thoughts were interrupted as a Zergling attempted to eviscerate him.  He danced around the strike, and then decapitated it with a swipe from his lightsaber.  

            Going on the offensive, Ralph hacked another of the advancing Zerglings in half with his lightsaber.  He was forced to leap aside as a Hydralisk spat a streamer of acid at him.  The creep sizzled and smoked where Ralph had been a moment before.  He thrust his hand at the wormlike alien.  "Fireball!"  The Hydralisk screamed in pain as the magical attack caused him to burst into flame.  It fell to the ground as its flesh was barbequed.  _Of course, this would all be so much easier if my communication watch hadn't been destroyed in the crash!_

            Ralph was forced to fall back further as two more took the place of their fallen comrade.  Damn it!  I never liked the Zerg, even in the game!  "Illuminatus!"  A bright flash of white light filled the air, temporarily blinding both Zerg.  Ralph manipulated a small bit of Force to catapult himself nearly ten meters uphill to the center of the Senshi's position.  

            In this battle, Usagi was quickly learning that it was much easier to move chess pieces or order computer-game mecha into position than to lead from the front line.  Despite this setback, most likely due to copious amounts of luck, Usagi was successfully leading them in an effective fighting retreat.  As they traversed a series of rolling hills a swift running river was always at their right.  This ensured that the enemy was limited to attacks from their left flank and front.  From time to time, Usagi would decide that a particular hill was a good place to make a stand, and they would temporarily hold their ground.  The mindless horde of Zerg would batter themselves against their defenses for a bit, until Usagi decided that it was time to move on.  

            Ralph was impressed with more than just their increase in power.  For the first time, given some actual leadership, the Senshi doing more than just standing in place while flinging low powered attacks.  The five provided alternating fire so that the enemy received no reprieve even while on the move.  

            Yet, Ralph could sense their exhaustion.  They were currently running out of manna to power their attacks, and the Zerg showed no signs of giving up.  Eventually, they would fall.

            And if even one fell, Ralph would probably never forgive himself.  If he survived, that is.

            Ralph mentally ran through his catalogue of spells even as he launched another fireball into the swarm of Zerg.  _Valkyrie Beam?  Naw, too concentrated.  Fireball barrage?  No, I'd have to aim every single ball perfectly to make even the slightest impact.  Maelstrom?  No, that wouldn't work either; it'll take more than a strong wind to do more than slow them down.  Wait a second… got it!  Haven't tried this one yet, but it should work._

            Ralph turned to Sailor Moon.  "We hold here.  Buy me some time to get this ready, 'cause one way or the other, I'm ending this now."

            Usagi almost objected, but decided against it.  She knew as well as Ralph that the Senshi couldn't hold out much longer.  _These Physics Policemen always seen able to perform miracles… and we don't have any other options._   "Can do."  She whipped out her tiara again, and let fly.  It flew out and removed the claw of a previously wounded Zergling.  _Finally, I managed to do **something **useful.  _

            Ralph folded his hands before him.  

            **_Darkness beyond twilight,_**

            All around him, Senshi collapsed to the ground, their energy reserves finally depleted.  Meanwhile Ralph was glowing a bright red color.

            **_Crimson beyond blood that flows,_**

            A Lurker's attack caused the ground around Venus' feet to erupt in spikes.  She found herself impaled upon hardened spikes of carapace as long as she was tall.  The retracted back into the ground, leaving the Senshi of Love to bleed and die.  

            **_Buried in the stream of time,_**

            The Zerg, being sensitive to dark energy, were drawn to Ralph by some unspoken urge.  As the red energy swirled about the Jedi, the Zerg seemed transfixed by the sight.  

            **_That's where your power grows._**

            Which was all the opening he needed.  

            **_DRAGON SLAVE!_**

            From Ralph's cupped hands came an energy that a Super Saiyan would have had difficulty surviving, much less matching.  The Dragon Slave was nearly one hundred meters wide, and flew straight into the attacking swarm.  All of the Zerg that entered the path of the beam were instantly vaporized.  The blast continued on for several miles, eventually bleeding away its excess energy in a massive explosion.

            Ralph didn't see this, as the last of his energy left his body.  He fell to his knees, and then fell face first into the carbonized remains of the creep.  

            ******************

            While all of this was going on, Son Gohan was putting the finishing touches on an English Literature essay.  He dipped his pen into an open container of ink on the upper right hand of his desk, and then tapped the plastic end of the pen to his chin.  After a few moments of deep thought, he added the final sentence.  "There!  That does it!"  Although most of his classmates would have either typed the assignment or used a ballpoint pen, that wasn't Gohan's style.  Ever since his youngest days, he had used this antiquated method of writing.  He had tried other methods, but his ideas simply didn't flow as well.  Sure, if he were to accidentally spill the ink, it could ruin an entire evening's work, but that had never happened before.  What were the odds that it would happen this time?

            "Gohan!"

            "Ack!"  The Saiyan hybrid leapt up in surprise, knocking his knees against his desk.  The bottle of ink was knocked over, spilling its contents across the essay.  Gohan rubbed his aching knees, muttering about the pain.  Then, seeing hours of work ruined, tears rolling down his cheek.  "My essay…"  Gohan suddenly remembered that somebody had called his name.  He spun around, and ran face first into Kibito's chest.  The massive red man seemed slightly surprised at this.

            Kaio-Shin waved a greeting to Gohan as the boy extricated himself from Kibito.  "It is a pleasure to see you again, Gohan."

            Gohan seemed to forget his ruined essay.  "Shin!  It's been way too long?  What you been up too?"

            Kibito seemed slightly rankled that Gohan spoke so casually to his master.  The purple skinned guardian of the universe scratched his chin in thought.  "Well, Kibito and I just finished that model ship in a bottle we've been working on since the Renaissance, oh and we finally got a chance to go see Spirited Away.  Some of Miyazaki's best work, although I honestly preferred Princess Mononoke.  Oh, and Kibito just found this superb recipe for…"

            Kibito interrupted.  "Master… our mission?"

            The Supreme Kai blushed.  "Oops."

            Gohan suddenly noticed something.  "Hey, uh, I know this is kinda personal, but wasn't Kibito, well, dead?"

            Kaio-Shin nodded.  "Yes, Gohan.  You see, that is why we have come here.  The Earth is in chaos due to a hastily worded wish to Shen Long."

            "What kind of wish?"

            Shin said, "Well, numerous threats long thought vanquished have resurfaced.  Even as we speak, the continent of Australia is being ravaged by a horde of aliens.  In fact, the one known as Ralph is trapped on that very same continent."

            Gohan punched his right hand into his fist.  "We have to help him!  Where is he?"

            Kaio-Shin held up a small wooden trinket.  Gohan thought that it was shaped vaguely like the Dragon Radar.  The Kai said, "There was a massive surge of dark power in that region a few minutes ago.  I cannot be certain, but I believe he may have been at the epicenter of the strike.  I attuned this item to that energy, and it will indicate the direction of the power.  But before you go, I have even more pressing news.  You see…"

            Gohan snatched away the manna Scouter before the Supreme Kai could complete his thought.  Posing, he exclaimed, "Right!  This looks like a job for," he said, pressing a button on his watch, "The Great Saiya Man!"  The familiar green and black costume replaced Gohan's school uniform.  Thankfully, he had ditched the dorky helmet in favor of a green Robin style mask.  "I'll see you later!"  With that, Gohan flew out the window.  

            Kaio-Shin called out, "Wait!"

            Kibito shook his head sadly.  "I _knew_ we should have told him about Majin Buu first!"  Sometimes he wondered why he put up with Kaio-Shin sometimes.  

            **************

            Cell's body bent double as Vegeta's fist hammered his gut.  The super-warrior flew backwards through a stand of evergreen trees, a massive arroyo and a billboard urging hikers to protect the last surviving badlands in Japan**.  Cell finally managed to regain control of his flight, halting himself by shoving his legs into the ground.  Such was his velocity that he found himself buried up to his waist as he dug into the ground.  

            Cell spat a stream of blood.  _Damn!  How did he get so powerful?_  Cell shoved down on either side of the trench, flinging himself into the air.  

            Before he could blink thrice, Vegeta was on him, delivering a barrage of hundreds of punches.  Cell's head was snapped in several directions almost simultaneously.  Only his reinforced bone structure prevented his neck from being shattered by the force of the blows.  

            As suddenly as it had begun, the attack stopped.  Cell's reprieve was brief, as Vegeta blasted towards him from above and landed on his head feet first.  In a manner similar to one of the creatures in an older Mario Brothers game, Cell's head and legs were compacted into his chest.  Purple blood flew in all directions.

            Vegeta remained in place, ignoring the fact that his new shoes had been completely ruined by alien blood.  Not that the rest of the Armani suit had been spared either; it was torn in several places, and purple blood stained the fabric of both inner and outer shirts.  "So Cell, I believe we have established who the superior warrior.  Do you wish to surrender yourself to my mercy, or continue this futile battle?"

            Cell's regeneration abilities finally caught up with the massive beating he had received.  With a sickening pop, Cell expanded back to his normal size.  "Kaio-Ken!"  An aura of red fire surrounded Cell, who blurred upward and caught Vegeta across the face with a right hook.  The surprised Super Saiyan suddenly found himself on the defensive, forced to dodge an incredibly fast series of kicks and punches.  After several seconds, Cell finally connected with a savage uppercut that sent Vegeta flying.  After a few moments of uncontrolled flight, Vegeta managed to halt himself in midair.  

            Vegeta wiped a trail of blood from his mouth as Cell let go of the Kaio-Ken.  The arrogant smirk never left his face.  "I salute you Cell, for a battle well fought.  It is almost a shame that I must kill you."  Vegeta's smirk wavered as he remembered his previous humiliation at Cell's hands.  "Almost."  

            Cell had some smirking of his own to do.  "And what makes you think that you can even begin to match me with the power of the Kaio-Ken on my side?"

            Vegeta made a dismissive gesture.  "I'll admit that Kakorot's technique is useful.  In fact, I don't know why you didn't use it before.  It would have certainly tipped the scales in the battle with Kakorot's brat."

            Cell stopped.  "You know, I don't know why I didn't try that.  It's funny how your mind works in a crisis."  Then Cell's smirk returned.  "Not that it helps you now.  Prepare to die."  Cell cupped his hands, and brought them down to his side.  "Kame… "

            Vegeta felt the massive power behind Cell's attack.  His smirk transformed back into a glower as he concentrated.  Then, with a loud cry, Vegeta powered up ever further.  His hair extended upwards as his aura filled with flashes of blue lightning.  

            Upon seeing his opponent power up to Super Saiyan Level Two, Cell almost halted his attack.  Almost.  "Hame… HA!!!"  A bolt of energy as potent as any Cell had ever seen began to streak it's way towards Vegeta.  

            The newly transformed Saiyan prince held up a single hand.  "Galick Gun."  The calmly delivered bolt of purple energy matched Cell's best efforts.  

            Cell grunted at the effort of continuing the Kamehameha wave.  "Such power!  How is this possible?"

            Vegeta chuckled.  His voice was completely devoid of humor.  "You fool!  Did you honestly think that the spawn of Kakorot was the only being capable of this level?"  Vegeta made a show of yawning.  "And that is with my left hand.  You should see what I can do with my right!"

            Cell eventually stopped powering his Kamehameha.  He dodged to the side, barely avoiding vaporization by the Galick Gun.  The bolt of purple energy flew behind Cell, exploding in the distance.  

            Vegeta cracked his knuckles in an ominous manner.  "Now Cell, you shall feel the true power of the Saiyan race!  I shall defeat you myself, without any interference from Kakorot or his ilk!"

            Suddenly, with a crackle of lightning, a black hole of nothingness appeared at Vegeta's feet.  Vegeta gave a cry of surprise and leapt away from the hole in space-time.  

            After a few moments of impressive visual effects, a head popped out of the hole.  "Eh, what's up Vegeta?"

            Vegeta screamed, "KAKOROT!  WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

            Goku looked up at Vegeta.  "Well, Mr. Briefs asked me to test his new Portable Hole machine.  Looks like it works."  Goku then noticed that Vegeta was fully powered up and looked like his face had been through a machine.  "Hey Vegeta, is there a fight going on here?  Do you need an he…"

            Vegeta leapt into the air and landed on Goku's head.  He began jumping up and down, forcing Goku down the hole.  "He's mine, you understand?  Mine mine mine!  Go go go!  Down down down!"  Once Goku's head was no longer visible, Vegeta summoned a yellow Chi bolt and threw it down the hole.  There was a very satisfying "boom" as the hope closed.

            Back at Capsule Corp., Mr. Briefs shook his head.  "Tisk tisk.  It seems as though my portable hole machine doesn't work."

            A stunned Goku lay on the floor.  In a stunned voice, he commented, "I think it might have worked a little too well, sir."

            Meanwhile, Vegeta had gone back to beating on Cell.  A flurry of kicks hit Cell so hard that the print of Vegeta's long ruined shoes was visible on Cell's back.  With a final punch to the face, Cell hit the ground and made a distinctly shaped imprint.  

            Vegeta chuckled when Cell didn't resurface.  "I suppose I was simply too much for him."  Suddenly, Vegeta sensed a movement in the air behind him.  Cell used the Instant Transmission to get in behind the Saiyan prince and attempted to take off his head with a fully powered swipe.  Vegeta scarcely dodged the assault.  He blurred away, reappearing several meters away.  He was about to begin a fresh assault when he felt a familiar figure power up behind him.  "Oh no, not…"

            Cell stuttered as he sensed the massive power arrayed against him.  "G-Gohan!"  _Even if I hadn't spent the last half hour getting beaten on by Vegeta, there's no way I could match that!  _

            The Mystic Warrior glared at Cell.  "Cell?  Well, I suppose that Shin did say that villains had returned from the dead.  I guess this means that I get a second chance to avenge my father."

            Vegeta quickly thrust his hands at Cell.  _I have to finish this before that brat kills him firstf!_  "Final Flash!"

            Gohan powered up his own strike.  "Masenko!"  

            Vegeta gave a scream of anguish as his attack merged with Gohan's, creating a massive cone of yellow energy.  Cell was frozen in place by fear, and could make no move to save himself.  Cell was ripped apart at a molecular level by the massive energy blast.  Long after Cell was dead, the bolt continued onward for a long distance, before finally leaving Earth's atmosphere altogether.  

            Gohan flew up next to Vegeta and placed a hand upon his shoulder.  "Hey Vegeta, thanks for the assist."

            The Prince of Saiyans slapped the other's hand away and angrily jabbed his finger into Gohan's chest.  "Assist nothing, you baka!  That was my kill, you understand!?  MINE!!!"

            Gohan rolled his eyes.  He knew how Vegeta could be.  "Look Vegeta, our attacks hit at the same time, so the kill is technically shared.  But what the hey, we'll tell everyone it was you, OK?  Now, I'm off to Australia to fight some alien invaders, and I was wondering if you'd like to join me…"

            Vegeta cried, "YOU BAKA!  I DON'T WANT OR NEED YOUR CHARITY!  LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!"  With an inarticulate scream of rage, Vegeta blasted away from Gohan.  As he flew towards home, he screamed a long string of obscenities that would scar younger, more impressionable readers for life if I rewrote them here.  After finishing his curses, he looked down at the tattered remains of his suit.  _That woman is going to kill me for this._  

            Gohan scratched his head as he powered down.  "What's his problem?"  Then he remembered the tracker that was attached to his belt.  "Oh well.  I guess he'll just have to deal with it on his own.  For now, Ralph needs my help!"  With that, he blasted away.  

            ***************

            Meanwhile, in a non-descript room in the Black Sheep's fallout shelter…

            "Hello?  Anybody?  Let me down!  THIS ISN'T ANY WAY TO TREAT AN AMAZON WARRIOR!"

End Part 47

*Not that there was anyone to hear it, mind you.  

** Before anyone points this out, yes, technically there is Boxing Day, but Vegeta isn't aware of it.  

*** All of the others had been demolished in battles with the various DBZ supervillains.  

Note: Jezebel is based on someone I know.  Only very slight exaggeration was required to create the Battle Armor trooper.  (I know some strange and scary people).  (Note within a note: the only exaggeration was the fact that the original doesn't speak Japanese.)

Woo hoo!  The longest chapter I've cranked out in months!

In case you're wondering why I've been updating so slowly lately, let's just say that I have other… projects to work on.  Do not despair, oh teeming masses; you shall benefit in the end.  


	48. Trunks' Day Out

Part 48

Trunks' Day Out

By BobCat

Proud member of the Fanfiction Author's Union (e-mail at fanfic_union@yahoo.com)

Disclaimer: Hey, everyone is constantly borrowing from Shakespeare and Charles Dickens, but none of the lawyers complain about that!  Why should I have to put a bloody disclaimer on this fanfiction?  

               The Masaki's Front Yard

               "…So then she says, "Yeah, but I've never seen one that ate popcorn before!"

               GoChibi performed a full-body shudder.  "Gad!  Ryoko, you know some sick jokes!"

               Ryoko the younger (AKA Chibi Ryoko) smirked, revealing her fangs.  "Heh heh.  You should've seen the expression on your face.  It was priceless!"

               GoChibi decided to change the subject.  "My, it sure is a lovely day.  Odd considering that it was 'monsooning' a few chapters… I mean, hours ago."

               Chibi Ryoko shrugged.  "I guess BobCat just put in that freak weather pattern for dramatic effect."

               (Fourth wall up, people!)

               Both future girls sweatdropped.  Deciding to change subject, GoChibi said, "Say, I've been wondering about this; why haven't we been out dealing with those Zerg?"

               Chibi Ryoko treated her friend to a heavy lidded stare.  "Remember?  Boomer and Lance decided to tap that keg they brought in, and Omi decided that we should take turns making sure they don't blow up anything too important."

               The pink haired girl said, "Oh yeah.  I wonder how things are going in there?"

               **Inside…**

               Omi lay on her back, struggling to breathe.  She had had the wind knocked out of her.  All around her, there were signs of destruction.  Behind her, a wall with several large holes in it (or perhaps more accurately, several large holes with chunks of wall around them) gave a clear view to the room beyond.  Why the ceiling hadn't collapsed was a mystery to the future girl.  "Ugh… Say, Boomer.  Why don't we try putting the gauss rifle _down_**?**"

               Boomer seemed to ignore Omi as he busied himself with the boxy, shoulder mounted weapon.  He whistled a happy tune as he finished replacing the ammunition magazine for the weapon.  

               Lance seemed more than happy to stick to his pulse laser, which didn't seem to be running out of energy.  "Now Omi, I thought we'd agreed.  You smashed our Duck Hunter game, so you get to take its place."

               Omi flipped to her feet.  "WHAT?  You're the one who threw the grenade because I was winning!"

               Boomer interjected.  "Ah, but I didn't see anyone making you _dodge _the grenade."  With that, Boomer stroked the trigger of the gauss rifle.  With a loud crack, opposing magnetic fields spat the metal slug at several times the speed of sound.  Omi scarcely managed to duck the bullet.  "Now DANCE!"  He fired the weapon several more times, ripping apart more of the Masaki's house.  

               In the corner, Jezebel was rubbing her temples.  The blonde woman commented, "Oi veh," and then went back to her beer.  

               Omi could only groan as she was once again put on the defensive.  _I'm just glad we managed to get everyone out of here.  _For a few moments, it was so tempting to just power up and vaporize the lot of them.  _Remember: they need to be here for the future.  _As she was forced to dodge more bolts of energy and gauss slugs, she repeated her mantra.  

               **Outside…**

GoChibi heard more crashes, bangs and the occasional explosion.  "Are you sure we shouldn't be helping her?"

               Chibi Ryoko waved off the concern.  "Nah.  Omi's a survivor; I'm sure she'll be OK."  She looked upwards.  "Besides, we have company."

               "Eh?"  The daughter of Gohan looked up.  Her Chi senses reached out, finding a sizable signature heading their way.  "Hmmm… oh.  It's Trunks.  I wonder what he wants?"

               Chibi Ryoko smirked.  "Only one way to find out."  A blue aura surrounded Ryoko and she flew straight towards the distant Saiyan.

               GoChibi looked surprised for a moment, then followed, trailing her own aura. "Hey, wait for me!"

               A thousand feet up, Trunks halted his forward momentum and floated in midair.  He reached out with his senses, attempting to find his target.  "Let's see… the signature should be right… about…"

               "Behind you?"

               "YIPE!"  Trunks whirled around, only to come face to face with some strange, cyan haired girl.  "Hey!  Don't do that!"  He stopped for a second.  "Who are you, anyway?"

               "Name's Ryoko.  Pleased ta meet ya!"  She extended her hand, waiting for the handshake.  After a few seconds of confused blinking, Trunks returned the gesture.  

               "Hi.  I'm Trunks."  He suddenly remembered what was going on.  "What's the big idea, sneaking up on me like that!?"

               Chibi Ryoko shrugged.  "I always try to greet everyone in a memorable manner."  

               GoChibi, looking slightly singed, finally caught up with the pair.  "Ryoko, what's the idea hitting me with a Kamehameha wave?"

               Ryoko sneered.  "Well, you were winning the race!"

               "You are so annoying!"  GoChibi grunted, and an aura of yellow surrounded her.  Chibi Ryoko followed suit.  The two Super Saiyans glared at each other, and Trunks swore that he saw sparks shoot between their eyes.  

               Trunks instantly sensed that both of them had _way _more power than he did.  _Better break this up… like Dad always said, "Don't get caught up in a catfight.  Girls fight dirty."  _From his own experience with GoChibi a few months before, he knew the truth behind that statement.  He coughed.  "Um, hi, GoChibi!  How are things treating you?"  

               GoChibi looked over and powered down, her hair returning to its normal state.  "Oh, can't complain much.  Why'd you decide to stop by?"

               Trunks said, "Well, I was listening to the radio and I heard a news report about some strong guys tearing up a village north of here, and I was wondering if you'd like to come with me to fight them.  It's no fun alone."  

               GoChibi had a confused look on her face.  "Why me?"

               Trunks started counting off fingers.  "Well, Dad came back from a shopping trip a few hours ago and locked himself in the gravity room.  He was muttering something about, 'no good third rate bakas.'"  Trunks paused for a second.  "He does that a lot.  Anyway, Goten's mom was making him study, Gohan wasn't there, Dad would kill me if he found out I was hanging out with Goku, I couldn't find Piccolo," he said, counting off on a new hand.  "Krillin yelled at me for interrupting him. Don't know why; he was just hanging out with Eighteen on his couch."  He shrugged it off as unimportant.  "I don't like Yamcha, and Tien and Chouzou live too far away.  Who else is there?"

               GoChibi gave Trunks a glare.  "It's so nice to know I'm ninth string."  

               Trunks sweatdropped.  "Well, uh, heh heh."  _Think, or else you're doomed, man!  _"It's just that…"  Sweat began pouring down his face as his mind froze.  Had he been a computer, his eyes would have flashed, "Error!  Program has committed illegal action."

               Chibi Ryoko elbowed her friend.  "C'mon, girl.  No reason the guy you humiliated so easily should give you first consideration.  'Sides, it's not like we're doing anything useful here."

               GoChibi's glare ceased.  "I guess you're right.  C'mon Trunks, lead the way!"  The pink haired girl's aura flashed.  And then she stopped.  "Say, shouldn't we get Omi first?"

               Chibi Ryoko snorted.  "Naw, she'll be fine."

               "Oh I will, will I?"

               Everyone turned their head.  There stood Omi, clothes charred and several painful looking bruises obvious on her face.  

               Chibi Ryoko said, "Hey shouldn't you be back babysitting the soldiers?"

               Omi grabbed her compatriot by the front of her jacket and started shaking her back and forth.  "Look you, I'm just going to let the "shoot anything that moves duo" do what they want.  Unless YOU feel like playing target buoy!"  

               Meanwhile, Trunks' mind was out to lunch.  _That girl… so pretty…  _Sakura petals seemed to fall from nowhere.  In Trunks' eyes, all of her injuries seemed to melt away, leaving an angelic, green haired girl.  A blush turned his face a bright crimson as his heart rate doubled.  He floated over to Omi and held out his hand.  "Hello.  My name is Trunks.  What's yours?"  

               Omi didn't notice Trunks' odd behavior.  She stopped throttling her friend long enough to shake his hand.  "Hi.  I'm Omi."

               Trunks sighed.  In a voice that Omi didn't hear, he said, "Omi.  What a positively lovely name."  

               GoChibi overheard the entire thing.  _To tell, or not to tell?  _Seeing the mood her battle ravaged friend was in, she opted for the latter.  "So now that we're all here, lead the way, Trunks!"

               The purple haired boy, still slightly off balance from his obligatory sakura petals scene, pointed.  "Uh, that way."

               Omi said, "Uh, Trunks, that's south."

               "Oh.  Then… that way!"

               "South again."

               "That way?"

               "Southwest."

               Chibi Ryoko pulled out a small radio.  "While you guys randomly guess, I'm going to listen to the radio to figure out where this is happening."  As she changed stations, various reports began filtering in.  

               "In Okayama, two men in para-military uniforms and wielding advanced technology are tearing a path of destruction through the region.  Citizens are advised…"  

               Omi pushed the button.  "Enough of those two!"

               A new voice came on.  "In other news, a large, pink creature has been sighted in Hershey, Pennsylvania.  Reports say that he is currently running rampant through the city, devouring its inhabitants.  The Avengers and the Justice League of America have been contacted, but there has been no response."

               GoChibi shook her head.  "That isn't it."   

               A few more channels later, they found their destination.  With a series of flashes and bangs, the four took off.  

************

Hershey, Pennsylvania

               As one would gather, this is the home of the world famous Hershey candy company.  Normally, hundreds of tourists would be poking around the town and the factories.  However, most of the people were content to run around in a disorganized fashion.  

               "AAAAAHHHH!  RUN!  EVERYBODY, RUN!"  The obligatory screaming man issued instructions that everyone simultaneously ignored and obeyed.  

               (This is embarrassing!  C'mon people!  Show some dignity!  You'd think that Godzilla was attacking from the way you're all carrying on!)

               "Buu turn you into chocolate!"  

               (OK, maybe you have a point.)  

               The fat, pink monster was currently meandering around the land of chocolate.  From time to time, he would issue a blast of pink energy from the fleshy appendage atop his head, turning a random person into a candy bar.  The newly created candy treat would then float to Majin Buu, who would snarf it greedily.  Then, in the .2 seconds it took for his appetite to come back, he would select his next target, and repeat the process.  

               As he was halfway done with eating a former Senator* when he sniffed the air.  Despite the lack of a nose, Buu seemed to find something to enjoy.  Buu laughed gleefully.  "Hah hah!  Buu smell much chocolate!"  He looked around in a confused manner.  "But where is chocolate?"  The source of the scent not visible, Buu finished his current snack and then shot a pink blast at another fleeing civilian.  Majin Buu took a large bite out of the chocolate.  Suddenly, a thick, gray substance covered his hands and his treat.  "Huh?"

               "Yo tubby!  Don't you know that too much candy rots your teeth?"

               Buu looked up from his meal to see a man dressed in red and blue.  He wore a red mask, and his eyes were hidden behind white lenses.  He was currently holding onto the other end of the gray stuff and was crouching on the side of a wall.  

               "Who is funny man on wall?"  Buu was getting angry; this weirdo had ruined his chocolate bar!

               "You can call me Spiderman.  Now be a good little guy and stay still!"  He pointed his remaining hand at Majin Buu and quickly double-tapped the switch, sending a web net at his opponent.  In seconds, Buu was obscured by a mass of webbing.  

               Spidey leapt to the ground, noting the seething mass of web.  He smirked under his mask.  _Lucky for everyone here that I'm in town.  If J. Johan Jameson hadn't sent me here to cover the unveiling of Hershey's new bar, Ubersusse, this thing could have done even more damage!  _He briefly wondered why his skinflint editor had bothered to pay his expenses for a trip like this.  _It seems like some sort of bad setup for a crossover…_

               (Fourth wall up, Spidey!)

               Spiderman glanced around, looking for the source of the voice.  Finding none, he shrugged it off.  

               Suddenly, a pillar of pink energy rose up from the ground, extending high into the sky.  

               Spidey winced.  _Or not.  _

Buu glared at Spiderman.  Unlike before, his eyes were clearly visible.  "You try to hurt Buu.  Now Buu hurt you!"  Buu opted not to fly at Spiderman.  Instead, he stomped angrily, his feet sending cracks across the asphalt.  

               Spiderman shot another web strand at the monster, hoping to bide for time.  _Buu… Buu… I've heard that before.  Something about an attack in Japan?  _Of course, Spiderman had no memories of his absorption by Cell or any memories he might have gleaned from the experience; Shen Long had seen to that.  But he had heard of the creature from a few press reports from the _Daily Bugle's _Tokyo branch.  

               Spidey's thoughts were rudely interrupted as Majin Buu caught the web strand.  When the sticky substance hardened, Buu pulled on the line.  

               Spidey found himself reeled in towards the pink creature.  Thinking fast, he shifted in mid-flight, using his opponent's momentum against him.  Spidey planted both feet into Buu's gut.  However, Buu's flab easily absorbed the shock.  Then Spidey found himself being sucked in by the folds of fat.  "What the?"

               Buu gave Spiderman a horrible smile.  "Buu crush you like bug!  And Buu's teeth no rot!  Buu brush after every meal!"  By this time, Only Spidey's right arm and upper body had not been drawn into the folds.  At the moment only his Spider-strength and ability to cling to objects kept him in his current equilibrium.

               Not that it was easy.  He felt his bones grinding together under the pressure, and his free arm felt like it was going to be ripped from its socket.  _Better think fast, Spidey, or else you're going to be thinner than your pocketbook!  _

This battle of Spidey's best versus Buu's absent minded assault continued for several minutes.  Finally, just when Spidey thought that he would black out, Buu sniffed the air again.  "Where is chocolate?"  Buu seemed to be getting frustrated.  _Buu smell chocolate, but Buu not **see **chocolate.  _He looked down, as if finally noticing the red and blue figure engulfed in his fat.  "Do you know where chocolate is?"  

               Spiderman blinked.  _That's all he wants?  _"Um, if you stop crushing me to death, I'll tell you how to get there."

               "That seem fair enough to Buu."  With that, Spiderman found himself ejected from his pink prison.  He lay on the ground, attempting to get air to his lungs.  After a few seconds, Buu casually picked him up by his right leg.  Buu dangled him upside down and looked him in the face.  "Now where chocolate?"  

               Spidey gasped, "Go down… this street… turn… left… it's on your right… you can't miss it… really."  _Ouch!  I hurt in places I didn't know I had!  _

               Buu's face brightened up.  "Thank you, Spiderman!"  Buu tossed Spiderman away, not giving any concern as to where he fell.  

               In midair, Spidey managed to shoot a webline.  It attached itself to a lamppost, and he swung in an arch that carried him into a crouching position atop it.  "Ah!  What's that thing made out of?  Good thing that all he wanted was chocolate, or else…"  Then a thought hit him.  "Oh God!  I just led him straight to the factory!"  Spiderman forced protesting muscles into action and he started web-swinging at maximum speed.  _Have to hurry!  Every second that I'm not there is another one that he's eating the workers!  And it'll be my fault!  _

               After a few moments, Spidey found that a swath of destruction that made a beeline right to the factory.  _Oh lord!  What have I done?!_

**************

               Stanley Dikto had worked as a guard at the main Hershey production plant for over twenty years.  In that time, he had seen a lot of things.  Mostly, given the nature of the horde that he guarded, it was people attempting to find new and original ways to get free candy.  Last month had been the most creative; somebody had dressed up as a computer generated M&M from those commercials and had claimed to be an executive.  Of course, the person hadn't realized that M&M's were made by Mars, but he had gotten an A for effort.  And then a quick booting from the facility.  

               Robert yawned and looked out the window and proceeded to spit out the coffee he HAD been drinking.  "What the…"  A fat, pink creature was flying towards the factory.  "Ah!"  Stanley barely managed to leap from his post as Buu flew through it, sending wooden shrapnel and glass in all directions.  

               Buu didn't seem to notice the destruction left in his wake, nor the aluminum siding wall.  All he noticed was that the intoxicating smell of chocolate grew stronger as he flew into the factory.  What he saw inside was…

               Heaven.  Chocolate and candy were everywhere.  On conveyor belts, on trucks, on carts, even on the floor in places was more candy than Buu had seen in his life.  

               Buu gave a happy cheer and dove into a vat of liquid chocolate and began to swim.  The liquid was boiling hot, but he didn't seem to notice.  He swam to the bottom and began to drink greedily.  

               Stanley had finally gotten to his feet when Spidey finally arrived.  Employees were already fleeing from the carnage inside.  Spidey looked down at the guard.  "Are you OK?"

               Stanley nodded slightly as Spidey helped him up.  "Yeah, mostly.  What is that thing?"

               "I don't know."  Spidey stole a glance inside the factory.  Buu was blurring around faster than his eyes could track, inhaling chocolate at an impossible rate.  Seeing that Majin Buu was not a threat for the moment, Spiderman turned around and walked away.  

               Stanley looked at Spidey with a surprised look on his face.  "Well, aren't you going to _do _something about this?"

               Spidey shook his head.  "No, I already tried that.  Just keep the chocolate coming and he should stay happy."

               Stanley nodded.  "But where are you going?"

               "I'm going to try to get some reinforcements.  Don't worry, I won't be too long."  Without any handy purchases to web from, Spidey sped up to a jog.  _I hope, _he added silently.

               ************

               Half a world away, a red skinned man with long, white hair flew at top speed along the small town's main street.  His eyes scanned the road, looking for any sign of life.  Finding none, he looped up and reversed his direction.  He pressed a button on a small ear mounted device.  "Cap'n Ginyu.  Jheese here."

               A harsh voice filled Jheese's eardrum.  "I read, Jheese.  Any survivors?"

               Jheese responded, "Negative, Cap'n.  The Scouter's not pickin' anything up.  Say, where did we get these, anyway?"

               Ginyu responded, "BobCat probably just thought that we didn't look right without them."

               Jheese nodded.  "Cap'n, I agree with you an' all, but are you sure we should be breaking the fourth wall like this?  It seems kind of dangerous."

               "Sure I'm sure!  Now get back here on the double!"

               "Yes, Cap'n.  Jheese out."  Jheese closed the communication link and focused on the terrain beneath him.  Large craters marked what had once been houses, and those few structures that remained standing resembled Swiss cheese more than buildings.   Several walls had shadows burned into them, the only physical remains of the townspeople after the Ginyu Force had gotten to work.  

               Jheese nodded.  "Not bad fer a day's work."  Of course, any member of the Force could have scoured all traces of the city from the planet in a moment, but that went against Ginyu's plan.  

               Jheese shook his head, an arrogant smirk on his features.  It was so simple; they were mercenaries, and mercenaries fight wars for money.  Unfortunately, all of their previous employers were either dead, or unreachable by the primitive planet's communications abilities.  So, Ginyu had devised their current plan of demonstrating their abilities on random settlements in a public manner.  They always left several notes advertising their services and giving rates, so that any potential employers would know how to find them.  

               Of course, the fact that their notes were not written in a script legible by their Earthling employers hadn't occurred to them.  All they knew was that a week of advertisement wasn't working very well.  

               As Jheese landed at the rendezvous point, the purple-skinned Ginyu grinned.  "Ah good.  You're all back.  Now then, since we have a few minutes off, it's time to practice…"  Ginyu made several poses, each of which that the Great Saiya-Man would have been reluctant to use.  "The Ginyu Force Roll Call!"

               Rekhum sighed.  "Captain, do we have to do this _again?_  There isn't even anyone to see us!"  

               In a very calm manner, Ginyu walked over to his subordinate.  "Rekhum, who is the strongest one here?"

               The tall man thought for a few seconds.  "Uh, you?"

               Ginyu nodded.  "Very good.  Now, as the strongest, who elected himself commander of our little outfit?"

               Rekhum said, "You?"

               Ginyu nodded again.  "Then in that case, when I say that we're doing the Ginyu Force Roll Call, WE'RE DOING THE BELGIAN GINYU FORCE ROLL CALL!!!!"  

               Butta grimaced.  He whispered to Gurd, "Man, he must be angry, using the most obscene word in the universe and all!"  The four eyed, tiny alien nodded in agreement.  

               Ginyu leapt into an open area.  "Alright then."  He stood on one foot, arms held akimbo to his right.  "Ginyu Force Roll Call!"  

               Rekhum leapt into a position at Ginyu's direct right and posed.  "Rekhum!"

               Butta leapt to Ginyu's left, matching Rekhum's pose.  "Butta!"

               Jheese came in next to Butta, while Gurd appeared next to Rekhum.  

               "Jheese!"

               "Gurd!"

               Ginyu began posing, wasting little movement.  "And Captain Ginyu!  Together we are…"

               In unison they yelled, "THE GINYU FORCE!"

               Ginyu nodded his head.  "Nice work, troops!  Take five!"

               "Stop right there!"  

               Ginyu said, "Huh?  Who the…"

               Two short figures floated above the Ginyu Force, their features obscured by the light of the sun.  

               One of them said, "Hah!  You think that you are a true master of silly poses and stupid catch phrases?  Let us show you the error of your ways!" With that, they began speaking alternating lines.  

               "To protect the world from devastation!"

               "To continue our parody and imitation!"

               "To defend the beauty of truth and love!"

               "To slap our foes with a leather glove!"

               Suddenly, they fell down to earth, bending their knees to absorb the impact of their fall.  

               The first one struck an angular pose to rival any of the Ginyu Force's. "Omi!"

               Her partner struck an equal yet opposite pose.  "Ryoko!"

               "Team Saiyan blasts off at the speed of light!"

               "Don't surrender now, or we'll miss the fight!"

               A third person blurred in front of the pair.  "Trrrrrunks, that's right!"

               Ginyu appraised his challengers.  "Not bad.  Judges?"  The other members of the Ginyu Force held up scorecards.  Not one was higher than a 5.  "Heh!  Rank armatures!"

               "Oh yeah?  Try me!"  There was GoChibi, dressed up in her full Sailor Chibimoon regalia. 

               After a few moments of silence, the alien mercenaries burst into laughter.  Gurd lay on the ground, rolling in helpless fits.  

               GoChibi blushed furiously, but ignored the laughing.  _I am SO going to kill Omi for putting me up to this.  _She placed one hand on her forehead, and the other behind her back.  "Halt!" GoChibi brought her arms so that they were parallel to the ground, pointing right.  "You, who would make a mockery of the fine art of Sentai Posing by using it for evil!"  She curled her fingers like Spiderman shooting a web and crossed her arms in front of her chest.  "I am Sailor Chibimoon," she pointed with her right hand at Ginyu.  "And I will punish you!"  

               Rekhum held up a 9.  "Brilliant!  That was the most beautiful thing I've seen in years!"  This caused him to get very odd looks from the other mercenaries.  

               GoChibi blurred next to her companions, who made Ginyu-like poses.  "For we are… The Ginyu Force!"

               Jheese whispered to Ginyu.  "Hey Cap'n, I think they're mocking us!"

               "No DUH, Jheese.  Get them!"  As a unit, the Ginyu Force blasted toward their opponents.  

               GoChibi brought out her wand.  "OK, they aren't fun anymore.  And they aren't strong enough to be a good warmup.  Is it OK if I just finish them off now?"  There was general approval of the idea.  "OK then!  Pink… Sugar… Hearts!"  

               The Ginyu Force suddenly found themselves held in place by an invisible force.  Butta said, "What in the… it's almost as if we're compelled to stay in place for her final attack!"  

               From the Saiyan's wand came a cascade of large, pink hearts, each as big as their caster.  Each alien mercenary was held in a trance by the sight.  In near unison, they mumbled, "Lovely."  

               There was a massive explosion, and the Ginyu Force was converted into four small piles of moon dust, which blew away in the wind.  

               GoChibi blinked.  Four?  Weren't there supposed to be five?  After a few seconds of thought, she decided that it wasn't important.  

               Omi slapped Trunks on the back.  "Well Trunks, that was fun!  Thanks for inviting us!"

               Trunks managed to stutter, "Y-you're welcome, Omi-sempai."  Trunks felt as if he was in danger of passing out, but managed to avoid it.  _Her hands… so soft and tender, yet strong…_

               Chibi Ryoko put an arm around the pair's shoulders.  "Not let's all go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes!"

               "Yeah!"

               Meanwhile…

               Jheese flew away at his equivalent of Warp Factor Nine.  _Good thing I checked their power levels… that little boy was over 7,000,000 and he was the weakest one of the lot!  _Jheese shuddered, as he considered how close he had come to death.  _That's it!  No more evil!  I'm going to join one of those super hero teams I've heard so much about!  Maybe the Avengers… I mean, anyone who can take on the Kree and win is worthy of respect!   _With that, Jheese blasted off over the horizon and out of sight.  

End Part 48

*He was on a fact finding mission, paid for by your tax dollars, to see how the economy of Hershey, Pennsylvania differed from his own constituency in Arkansas, and maybe pick up some cut-rate chocolate.  

Ubersusse translates roughly to "Super Sweet" in, you guessed it, German.    

Author's Note: To those who know the beginning of that joke… you have my sympathy.  I've been trying to get it out of my head for weeks.  


	49. Infestation, Annexation and Consternatio...

Part 49   


Infestation, Annexation and Consternation

By BobCat

Disclaimer: If fanfictions were outlawed, then all outlaws would be fanfiction. Or something like that.   


The surface of the land was dead and barren. It had been laid to waste more thoroughly than any army in mankind's long and colorful history of ruining his environment had ever managed. Salted earth was more likely to allow the flora that had once dominated the land to grow back. For the moment, all that was visible was an emptiness that extended from horizon to horizon, interrupted only by a few hills. All that was audible was the intermittent stirrings of the breeze.   


The land itself was a different story. Where once soil had supported a rich and colorful array of creatures of all kinds, the land was in its own way alive. A thick, purple carpet of living tissue covered the landscape. What at first glance seemed to be hills were in fact large, organ-like buildings that fed the creep and in turn gained life from the creep. Still, no life was visible.   


Suddenly, a bright flash of light filled the air. After a few seconds of blinding radiance, a red and white hole ripped itself in the very fabric of reality itself. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then, a brown haired figure dressed in a blue uniform calmly floated from the hole, landing in a controlled, almost lazy, manner upon the creep. The hole closed behind him.   


Phil sighed. He looked at the bottom of his shoe, and started wiping away the purple mass that had bonded to it. "Ugh. Zerg. Had to be Zerg. As if I hadn't had enough trouble with purple things…" At this, Phil did a full body shudder. "Ayeka. That purple haired bimbo! How dare she!" The mere thought of the Juraian princess brought a yellow aura to life around him. The Super Saiyan gave a loud cry, as his aura expanded into a gigantic dome around him, stripping away creep as it grew.   


Phil didn't seem to notice that his venting was creating a full-fledged attack. Finally, he let the soap bubble of energy pop, releasing more energy than some nuclear weapons.   


Phil panted slightly, even though he hadn't even begun to tap his potential yet. He clenched his fists angrily and began ranting. "It's bad enough that everyone else is after a piece of me! But now uber-bitch is on my case to!"   
  


Behind Phil, an Ultralisk rose from the ground with a speed that belied its bulk. The six legged creature, seeing the threat to its hive cluster brought its forward right foot down on Phil's head.   


Or at least it tried to. Phil swiftly brought up a hand, blocking the attack with his spread fingers. Phil was forced up to his ankles in earth before he managed to absorb the shock.   


Phil scarcely noticed the Ultralisk. "I mean, first she gives me that blasted Jusenkyo curse, then she suggests we go off and do something unmentionable in a PG-13 fanfiction! Who does she think she is? Am I just her toy, something to alternately torture and fuck? That inbred bitch!" He cupped his free hand and sent a huge bolt of energy into the distance, vaporizing even more of the creep. Phil scarcely noticed the shockwave from his blast, but the Ultralisk struggled to keep its balance. In the end, gravity lost the battle.   


A voice in the back of his head said, "Squire, most men would give a king's ransom for the offer thou hast turned aside in a callous manner. Besides, thou art now of noble rank, so thou wouldst do well to hold thy tongue on the matter of inbreeding."   
  


Phil blinked in surprise. The Ultralisk continued struggling to squash this surprisingly persistent bug. "What Wart, you _support _her!?"   
  


"Good heavens no! 'Tis not proper for one of royal lineage to offer herself in such a manner! I art simply playing the role of the devil's advocate."   
  


Phil finally noticed the alien that was trying to kill him. He blurred out from under the Ultralisk's foot, which smashed into the ground with enough force to chip its hard carapace. It cried out in pain. But, in some small corner of its miniscule mind, it felt a twinge of pride for killing the enemy.   


That was when Phil appeared in front of it and kicked it in the face. The impact sent the Ultralisk tumbling through the air, finally landing in a heap a hundred meters away. Phil blurred in next to the creature and grabbed it by one of its tusks. The hardened edge of the tusk, while capable of piercing the hardest armor developed by man, was not up to the task of cutting Phil's hand.   


Phil looked the thing in the eye. "Do you know how disgusting that bitch is? _DO YOU!? _I just wanted a little time to deal with my issues, but **_noooooo! _**You damned aliens just had to invade again, didn't you? **_DIDN'T YOU!!!???"_**   
  


If Phil had not taken leave of his senses, he would have sworn that the Ultralisk's last groan of pain had been apologetic. As it was, Phil started spinning in midair, giving the creature the ride of its lifetime. Finally, Phil released the Ultralisk, sending it flying over the horizon. As Phil's aura quieted down, he heard an audible thump in the distance as the Ultralisk landed. Phil's hair returned to its normal state and he ran his fingers through it as he let out a relieved sigh.   


"O'Connor was right. Nuking Zerg _is _therapeutic." With a flash and a bang, Phil took off in search of more targets. 

*************   


"Sir? Are you awake? How are you feeling? Sir?"   
  


Ralph caught these words as he returned slowly to wakefulness. His vision swam for a few moments as his brain pondered what he was looking at. Finally, the blur before him resolved into a strange face. The man looked to be of Hindu descent, with bright, honest eyes. He looked to be in his early thirties, judging by the barest hints of wrinkles about his eyes. The Jedi attempted to lever himself into a sitting position, but thought better of it as the pounding in his head, scarcely noticeable before, decided to announce it's presence.   


As the man spoke, his accent was vaguely British. "Please sir, give yourself some time to rest. You've been through quite the adventure, from what I'm told."   
  


Ralph attempted to speak, but stopped his sentence as his throat told him that he hadn't had enough to drink in a good, long while. "Wh-where…?"   
  


The man seemed to anticipate Ralph's question. He spoke in slow, even tones. "You are in a field hospital. I am corporal Bhat, a medic with the 1st Gurkan Armored Infantry Brigade."   
  


Ralph finally summoned the strength to raise his head from his pillow. A quick scan of the room led credence to the man's story. For one thing, Bhat did have the emblem of the international Red Cross on his shirtsleeve. For another, Ralph saw that his cot was only one in a long line of identical units. Some remained empty, but others contained bruised and battered bodies. Above him was a green tarp supported by wooden poles, enough to keep out the elements but little else. Ralph caught the stench of dried blood and less pleasant odors in the air and scarcely avoided vomiting.   


The medic placed a hand on Ralph's shoulder, as if sensing his patient's distress. "Easy, my friend. You and your companions should be OK."   
  


Ralph inhaled sharply. _The girls! _"H-how are they?" Ralph was surprised by his own voice, dry and raspy enough to be unrecognizable.   


As he answered, Bhat removed the cap from a bottle of water, anticipating Ralph's need. "Three of them were suffering from a few minor cuts and bruises, plus advanced exhaustion. Much like you, actually. They are still asleep, actually. The other one, Sailor V, was in a very bad state of affairs. Massive blood loss and internal injury… we couldn't have saved her without those new Cellular Regeneration Units that Reed Richards sold to us last year…"   
  


Ralph spat a streamer of water. "Y-you know who she is?" _Crap! There goes the whole secret identity bit!_   


The man whispered to Ralph in a conspiratory tone. "Do not worry, my friend. I do not believe that anyone else recognized her. I lived in London for a few years and saw her in action, back before she moved on to Tokyo. She saved my life, actually. Given the… _distinctive_ style of dress that she and her companions use, it was easy to recognize her."   
  


Ralph sighed in relief. _Ah good. It's nice to know that they're all…wait a second. _"Ah, excuse me, but how many did you say there were?"   
  


Bhat said, "Why, four. Three in your condition, and another in the CRU tank."   
  


Panicked, Ralph thought back to the last moments of the battle. Not noticing any important clues, Ralph used a Jedi technique that allowed him to go over the memory in the minutest detail.   


__

Ralph thrust his hands towards the onrushing horde of Zerg. "DRAGON SLAVE!" Bright red energy filled his sight, and then there was nothing left of the Zerg save ashes and a few removed limbs. Even as he fell to his knees, Ralph noticed something out of the corner of his eye…   
  


__

Sailor Mercury being dragged down into the Earth by a Lurker. She called out for help, but before Ralph could blink again, she was gone. Then everything went black.   


Ralph's eyes widened. "Aw shit."   
  


********   


Ami Mizuno shared Ralph's sentiment whole-heartedly. Her cries of agony reverberated within a Zerg Hatchery somewhere in what had formerly been the outback. Organic wires jutted from her body, connecting her to the wall so that she was spread-eagled a few feet from the floor.   


Ami didn't know that her body was being rebuilt on the molecular level. She didn't know that every cell in her body was being systematically modified to optimize her psionic potential. She didn't notice that the blood leaking from the insertion points of the wires was no longer red.   


What Ami did know was that every nerve in her body felt as though it was simultaneously being burned, ripped and frozen. She did know that in the unknown amount of time since her capture, she had been in a state of constant pain, pain that didn't go away even when she fell unconscious.   


Finally, her raw throat could take no more and simply shut off. The silent look of horror on her face spoke volumes.   


Some part of Ami's mind noticed that a sphincter in the wall opened up, admitting an older woman with coppery-green skin and wiry flesh for hair.   


Kerrigan calmly walked over to Ami and looked her in the eyes. "Hurts, doesn't it? I know exactly what you are going through. Actually, I suppose it was easier for me; I spent most of my infestation in a trancelike state in a cocoon. But it still hurt like hell."   
  


Ami croaked, "M-monster."   
  


Kerrigan's hand lashed out, roughly grabbing Ami by the face. The pain increased a hundredfold at the contact. "Listen, girl. You should be grateful. I am accelerating you to the peak of your evolutionary potential."   
  


"You won't win."   
  


Kerrigan barked a laugh. "How positively cliché. Of _course _I'll win. The Zerg are the acme of evolution. What so called natural processes take millions of years to accomplish, the Zerg can bestow in a mere generation. Or, in your case, within a generation. We have swept the galaxy, fighting thousands of species. Some were stronger, others more cunning. In the end, however, the swarm adapted itself and annihilated its enemies. There is not a force on this planet that can destroy me."   
  


Ami clenched her teeth. Softly, too softly for Kerrigan to pick up, she said, "Not a force… THE Force." Another wave of pain hit at that moment. Whether it was a conscious attack on Kerrigan's part or simply part of the process, she would never know. For her own part, Kerrigan laughed as the pained tears ran down Ami's cheeks.   


A section of Ami's mind wandered back to the events of the past month or so. She saw a small, green muppet with a cane. He was looking up at her from his perch upon a log as she lifted rocks with her mind. His words came back to her, lucidity somehow cutting through the pain. "Beware of hate. For if ever a Jedi embraces the hate, control their destiny it will. Once the darkness takes over, no hope is there."   
  


Ami glared at Kerrigan with tear-filled eyes. _No hope is there already. I'm sorry, Yoda-sensei, but I can't think of anything I hate more than this… beast! _She thought of her friends. Had they made it safely from the battle? Were they also hanging from a wall, being remade into the image of the monster? And if they weren't, was there any hope for them at either way? Were they all doomed to serve Kerrigan?   


Now was her chance to stop the madness. _She said she was making me more powerful… and the dark side is the easy means of even more power… I might be able to win. But at what cost?_ She lacked her Mercury Computer, but knew that the evil thing before her possessed more strength than anything she had ever fought before.   


Ami stared defiantly at the exiting Queen of Blades, her decision made. _If the choice is damning myself, or dooming my friends, then damned shall I be. _  


**********   


Son Gohan looked down upon what had once been a thriving and prosperous coastal town. Now all that remained were the ruined hulks of buildings, interspersed with organ-like mockeries of the structures that had existed before. The ground was covered with the same purple mass that was visible from several miles from the coast.   


Personally, Gohan was utterly repulsed by what he saw. However, he knew he couldn't let his own feelings interfere with the mission. Son Gohan was allowed his fears and foibles, but the Great Saiya-Man was a hero, braver than brave, nobler than noble. Utterly perfect, he didn't have to worry about failing his friends in battle or the pressures that his mother put on him. Saiya-Man didn't care about rejection of lovers or the petty hatred of his foes; Saiya-Man rose above it all.   


He landed near what had once been the town center, cupping one hand to his mouth. "Hello! Is anyone there? I'm here to help!" As flyovers had not revealed any survivors, he continued his search on foot. "Kaio-shin was right. This is horrible!" Saiya-Man reached out with his senses, attempting to find the Chi signatures of any villagers. His search was proving to be increasingly futile. What was odd was that there were a few spots that almost felt like people; but it was as if they were part of the town itself, which was impossible.   


Wasn't it?   


"Intruder!"   
  


Saiya-Man spun about at the barked warning. _Now I can find out what's behind this! _"Who goes…" The word "there" remained unspoken, as he looked in horror at what he saw.   


It was Saiya-Man who had entered the town. But it was Son Gohan who gazed upon the monstrosity before him.   


Once, it had been a man. However, random coppery-green growths now covered his body, particularly his shoulders and torso. Spikes jutted from his joints without rhyme or reason. But what scared Gohan the most were the thing's eyes. Red, glowing and soulless, they looked upon him with an animalistic, uncomprehending hatred.   


While Gohan stood in shock, the infested human ran towards Gohan. "Live for the swarm!" Gohan managed to erect a Chi shield before the thing blew him apart. An explosion that would have leveled a skyscraper shook the few remaining buildings of the town. The structures collapsed as their already weakened structures could finally take no more. Gohan's costume was slightly singed from the blast, but he was uninjured.   


Gohan panted, more from fear than from any exhaustion. "What the hell was _that!?_"   
  


At that moment, they came. Dozens of them. Snakelike creatures with gigantic claws, spitting acid as they closed in upon them.   


Once, when Gohan had been younger, Goku had decided that his son had done enough studying for the day. In his normal spontaneous manner, Goku had told Gohan that he could pick any movie he wanted to go to. Of all the movies being shown, Gohan had chosen to see _Aliens. _The young demi-Saiyan had been scared out of his wits and had had nightmares for weeks. Needless to say, Chichi had given Goku a double-earful over the incident.   


The Hydralisks that assaulted Gohan now were undeniably similar to those creatures. Old fears boiled to the surface, triggering a fight or flight reaction in his brain. Gohan was surrounded by a swirling aura of yellow, filled with sparks of blue lightning. "GetawaygetawaygetawayGETAWAY!!!!!!" The aliens paid him no heed, nor did they notice that their acid was being blown away by his aura.   


"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Gohan blasted up from the ground at top speed, stopping a few hundred feet above the town. He began flinging Chi bolts at the ground, scouring the Zerg from the Earth. He continued blasting for several minutes after they were all gone.   


Gohan panted. His hair returned to its normal color. "Calm down, Gohan. Stay in control. You're no good to anyone if you panic. Have to help Ralph."   
  


"Hey Gohan!" Gohan was shocked from his reverie by Phil's call. The Physics Policeman floated over next to the surprised demi-Saiyan. "Thought I sensed you over here! Long time no see!"   
  


Gohan's eyes brightened at the familiar face. "Hey buddy! What've you been up to?"   
  


Phil clapped Gohan on the back and rolled his eyes. "Believe me, you don't wanna know. What are you doing down here anyway? Shouldn't you be back in Japan?"   
  


"The Supreme Kai told me that Ralph was in trouble, so here I am. The work of," Gohan posed, "The Great Saiya-Man is never done!" Gohan attempted to keep a straight face, but failed miserably. "Man I can't believe I ever thought that looked cool!"   
  


Phil surveyed the gigantic crater below. He let out a low whistle. "I see you panicked back there."   
  


Gohan rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Well, uh, yeah. Sorry about that."   
  


"No need for sorries. Believe me, I've seen seasoned combat veterans run screaming at the sight of the Zerg." Phil thought about that. "Well, technically, you are a seasoned combat veteran, but you know what I mean."   
  


"Zerg. So that's what they're called." Gohan shuddered. "Ugh. I'm gonna dream about those things for weeks! Those poor people…" Gohan thought of the infested human that had attacked him. _That could've been anyone… that guy had hopes and dreams, a life, and now… he's so many free-floating atoms. _Gohan angrily clenched his fist. "I'm going to make whoever did this pay!   


Phil suddenly pointed towards the horizon. "You'll get your chance sooner than you think. I estimate we've got a hundred Zerg air units on the way. Their Cerebrate must have finally noticed us." Phil thought for a few moments, and then smirked. "Whadaya say, Gohan. Up for a little overkill?" Phil made a few motions with his arms.   


Gohan caught on. "Am I!?" They floated down to the ground, landing a few feet from each other. As Gohan stretched out his senses, he was surprised to find out that Phil's power level was just as big as his. "You've been training."   
  


"Life is training. Now concentrate!"   
  


As a cloud of batwinged Mutalisks descended upon them, Phil and Gohan moved in perfect unison. "Fuuuuuu… Sion! Ha!" There was a bright flash of white light. The Zerg kept coming. The commanding cerebrate made a note that there was one being where two had been before, but decided that it was an unimportant detail.   


Ph'lan smirked and cracked his knuckles. "Nothing like a good old fashioned turkey shoot to make all of life's little problems seem to fly away." He looked down at his vest and poofy pants combo. "Like this awful fusion outfit." Ph'lan attempted to order his symbiote to shift it to a more aesthetically pleasing pattern, but it didn't seem to be working. "Damn Toriyama and his lack of fashion sense. Oh well." With a flash and a bang, the battle was joined.   


********   


Twenty odd minutes later…   
  


Ralph sat in his bed at the field hospital, attempting to find the missing Senshi of Mercury via the Force. Repeated failures were making him increasingly frustrated. "C'mon. You've gotta be out there somewhere…"   
  


That was when Ralph felt another familiar presence. He reached out, making contact. "Phil? Is that you?"   
  


A stereo voice answered his call. "Oh, heya Ralph. Phil's not in at the moment, but I would be more than happy to answer your call." Ph'lan took a moment off to vaporize a passing Mutalisk. "HA! So anywho, what can I do ya for?"   
  


Ralph blinked. "Um, Ph'lan, where has Phil been the past few days? Y'know, when I kinda needed backup?" The last words were dripping with sarcasm.   


Ph'lan didn't notice. "Oh, I decided that I needed a mental health day. Not that I had much to speak of, but I digress. So I spent a day at Wuher's. Boy, was O'Connor mad! Finally managed to talk me into going by saying that vaping a bunch of Zerg would relieve my stress. For once, he was right."   
  


Ralph's eye twitched. "YOU ABANDONED ME TO THE ZERG HORDE BECAUSE YOU FELT LAZY??" 

An orderly opened the curtain around Ralph. "Please keep it down in there!" Ralph feebly apologized.  
  


Ph'lan shrugged. "If I'd known you were in such a sticky wicket, I'd have come and given you a hand. Die, you overgrown mosquito!" He casually backhanded another Mutalisk from the sky. "Where were we again?"   
  


Ralph sighed. _Fusions. Oi. _"There's more. I lost Ami."   
  


"Oh ho, lost one already, did we? And you wonder why I don't let you have a puppy."   
  


Ralph screamed, "Take this seriously, you friggin' moron! I can't find her, and I'm starting to think that she's dead."   
  


Ph'lan went to Super Saiyan and casually blasted the entire swarm from the sky. The aura of yellow collapsed as quickly as it had formed, reverting him to his normal state. "Man, those guys get boring fast. Don't worry Ralph, if there's anyone that can find her,_ c'est moi._" Ph'lan blasted away in a seemingly random direction.   


"Ph'lan! You don't even know where she is!"   
  


Ph'lan made a tsking sound. "Show some confidence, Jedi-boy. I've fought these things before. More importantly, I have an idea of how Kerrigan thinks. If she has Ami, she's going to see a big ol' honkin' candidate for the title of 'Mini Me.' I mean, Force and Senshi powers, plus unlocking her psionic potential… heck, she might even be able to give _me _a good spar. But I doubt it."   
  


"Enough ego already! Just get there!"   
  


Ph'lan laughed. "Oh ye of little faith. If you insist, I can get there immediately. I've known where Kerrigan was for the last hour or so."   
  


"WHAT!? And you didn't do anything about it WHY?"   
  


"Cutting off the serpent's head isn't any fun until you've had a chance to rough up the body a bit. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Senshi to save." Ph'lan put two fingers to his forehead and teleported from sight.   


Ralph rubbed his head. He reached over and hit a button near his bed. A woman dressed in white came into view. "Nurse? Can I get some aspirin? I have a serious headache over here."   
  


***********   


Elsewhere…   
  


In Universe FC-1, NATO had gone to another level entirely. As opposed to a simple alliance of democratically aligned nations, the powers of Europe had opted that their best option for survival following World War II was to unify into one world spanning empire.   


To this day, it remains unknown why older, more feudal means of government had been selected. Parliament and lower political bodies were still elected democratically and judges were appointed by the Parliament, but the executive branch was firmly in the hands of the aristocracy. Perhaps the horrors of the war had convinced the leaders that the common man could not be trusted to run his own affairs. Maybe key politicians had wanted to return to older, more secure days. The reason for this radical backwards shift remains a mystery and has provided fuel for hundreds of books on the subject.   


(Of course, we all know the real answer; that a certain Norse Deity had gotten his fingers into the time stream in the proper spots. But let's not spoil the historians' fun by telling them, OK?)   


Thus, a room deep beneath Buckingham Palace, known simply as The Den, could run not only the British Commonwealth's military resources, but also all forces throughout the whole of the Empire. The Den was divided into two layers. Below were twin trenches lined with high power computing equipment, through which numerous personal worked tirelessly to give an up to date report of the current fighting. Above, between the trenches was a long table. Along it sat older men and women in a hodgepodge of military uniforms, several from each branch of every major state of the Empire. Some looked over reports, others relayed orders to their respective Field Marshals, but most argued vehemently with their fellows as to how to proceed.   


All conversation ceased as a new figure entered the room. As a whole, the generals stood up and formally bowed to the man who was, for all intents and purposes, their king.   


The middle aged man walked to his seat at the end of the table. He was dressed in a crisp white uniform, which displayed far fewer medals and campaign ribbons than he had earned in a long and distinguished career. A flowing cape of red and white adorned his shoulders and extended down to the small of his back. He moved with a businesslike stride that wasted no movement. Short black hair with graying sideburns looked as if it was unused to anything besides a crew cut, extending only an inch or so from his scalp. His blue eyes seemed to stare straight into the soul of whoever caught his gaze.   


Flanking him on either side was a man dressed in an archaic red uniform with a tall, black hat. They matched their sovereign's stride, holding pikes in a perfect ready position. The ancient weapons that the Yeomen of the Guard held were deceiving, however. Either weapon was forged of an adamantium alloy and had a pulse laser cannon built under the blade's tip.   


Only the ruler of the European Union warranted such protection.   


Peter Davion, General of the Armies of said Union sat down. The lower personnel scrambled to match their monarch. His strong, baritone voice commanded them to be at ease.   


Peter rubbed his temples a moment. When crowned as regent, he had expected to hold his post for a single month. However, it had taken nearly a year for an heir to be found, some youngster named Philip. Peter had thought his troubles over, until he had found out that the future King had apparently taken another year to discretely tour his future domain.   


Peter hated being in charge of the Empire. The daily dances of political intruiges and the difficulty of balancing dozens of different factions… it wasn't what he had been trained for. The alien invasion, while a horrible event, at least brought events into his preferred arena. He halted his reverie. "What is the status of the invasion?"   
  


A woman from one of France's African colonies cleared her throat. "Your majesty, Australia has never been of any strategic importance. Thus, our forces in the region were somewhat… limited." She stopped for a moment, as if considering the most diplomatic way of saying that ground forces in the region had been annihilated.   


Peter barked, "Get on with it!"   
  


The general nodded. "On the continent were the Australian Colonial Militia and the 52nd Highlanders. A few survivors of the latter are trickling in at our outposts, but we aren't expecting to hear from the militia."   
  


Peter angrily clenched a fist. _Such a waste… _"What do we have in the area?"   
  


A red haired man with large muttonchops answered. "Your highness, we have managed to deploy a few regiments from India. Mostly the Gurkas, and we made sure to send those who had been upgraded."   
  


Peter considered this. The Gurkas hailed from Nepal, and were by and large the most feared and respected infantry on the planet. Their seemingly innate skill, combined with the prototype battle armor developed by Stark International, made them a force to be respected. "What other assets are en route?"   
  


An auburn haired man said, "Sir, the Robotech Defense Force is moving en masse to protect the civilians we've managed to evacuate and stymie the spread of the aliens."   
  


Peter said, "That raises another question. What are these things? Can they be reasoned with? Where are they from? How far have they gotten?"   
  


The woman from before said, "They are insectoid creatures, presumably not of this Earth. They seem to operate in a hive mentality, and the soldiers do not seem to value their own lives in the slightest. Various attempts at radio communication have not been answered, assuming they have the capacity to answer them. We cannot place their origin at this time." She nodded to an aide, who quickly tapped a few buttons on her PDA. Suddenly, the table itself shifted into a map of Oceania. All but a few spots of mainland Australia were an angry red color, with a few lonely green dots near Sydney and other southern reaches. North of Australia were mostly blue islands, signifying neutral nations. A few of them were green, and an increasing number of both were the red color. "Sir, at this point Australia itself is a loss. Our forces are moving along the northern edge of the continent in an attempt to cut their lines of supply for their northward pushes, but at this point it seems to be a futile gesture. They aren't slowing down."   
  


Peter glowered at the map, as if hoping that his glare would strike down the invaders. "Our options?"   
  


A fourth general, a white haired man with a shaggy mustache, said gravely, "Sir, at this point the only viable solution is a full fledged nuclear strike."   
  


The auburn haired man shot up. "What? Are you mad!? Nuke our own Empire!?"   
  


The fourth man looked Peter straight in the eye. "Sir, it is as she said. Australia cannot be saved. We can only exterminate these aliens so that Earth itself does not join her."   
  


The red head said, "If we call in everything, and use the Gurkas to make a beachhead…"   
  


The white haired man laughed. "What, and leave our German border naked before the Soviets? And what if the Yanks feel like adding more land in accordance with their so-called 'manifest destiny?' And I'm not even mentioning the Chinese!"   
  


Auburn hair said, "Sir, there have to be other solutions! Don't give in to this old fool's knee-jerk reaction!"   
  


"Old fool? Why you…"   
  


Peter ignored the squabbling, weighing the options before him. After a few moments of deliberation, he slammed his fists down on the table. "Silence! This argument does us no good!" All speaking halted immediately. Peter pointed to the white haired man. "How long would it take us to ready a nuclear strike?"   
  


"Roughly ten minutes, sir. It would take another twenty for the ICBM's to reach Australia from our silos in France."   
  


Peter sighed._ So much for being in familiar territory. _"Order all troops to evacuate. Instruct them to take as many refugees as they can transport. The Gurkas are to move immediately to halt the alien push towards Asia. All others are to move to protect the refugees. They have one hour before we begin the countdown."   
  


The red haired man exclaimed, "Your highness, you cannot be serious!"

Peter's frustration boiled over. "You think I like this? You think that if I had any other options, I would willingly nuke our own soil? I have never been more serious in my life! You have your orders, so carry them out!" As a whole, the generals stood and swiftly made their way out the door.   


Peter sighed. "Where is Philip? I cannot do this much longer."   
  


*********   


At this point, Ami Mizuno was scarcely recognizable. Her blue hair remained unchanged, but the skin across her entire body was now a sick, coppery color. Her eyes had been replaced by soulless yellow orbs that glowed in the darkness of the hatchery. From her back sprouted a pair of scythe like blades that mirrored Kerrigan's. A few hard patches of carapace had grown in such a way to protect her vitals and provide for basic modesty.   


Amazingly, Ami continued to struggle against her bonds, despite long hours of pain and suffering. Her plan to unlock the powers of the Dark Side continued, but it was odd. She had been using her anger to increase her reserves, which given her genetically altered structure were incredible. Yet, it didn't feel like she was handing herself over to some great evil. _Perhaps that is why Yoda warned us. Maybe the Dark Side works its ways because it doesn't feel wrong. _  


"Naw, it's just that the Force is less black and white than Yoda would have you believe."   
  


"Who's there?" Ami glanced around the darkened room. Her improved night vision caught sight of two figures. She squinted. "Phil?"   
  


Phil let a yellow glow surround one hand, revealing his identity. "That's my name, don't wear it out. Anyway, you don't feel like your giving yourself to the darkness because you aren't. You see, you're planning to save help your friends with the dark power, so your good intentions are stopping the corruption."   
  


"How did you know what I was thinking!?"   
  


"You aren't being very subtle about this. You obviously aren't used to being psychic; you're projecting your thoughts for miles around. I'm surprised that Ralph couldn't find you." Phil finally looked her over. "My God. What have they done to you?"   
  


Gohan shuddered. He glanced away from what had once been Ami Mizuno and saw that the air around Phil was glowing. "Phil, watch it!"   
  


It was too late, as the Psionic Storm attack burned his body with electricity even as the psychic energy scrambled his mind. Phil collapsed to the ground, twitching.   


Gohan whirled around, powering up in preparation of another strike. "Who's there? Show yourself!"   
  


"If you insist." Gohan was treated to a similar attack. Much to Kerrigan's dismay, however, the hybrid stayed on his feet. The Queen of Blades stepped from the shadows, a creature from Gohan's worst nightmares. This time, he managed to keep his cool, even as the blue electricity dissipated.   


Kerrigan glowered at Gohan. "I recognize the other, but who are you?"   
  


"I am Saiya-Man, the instrument of vengeance for the innocents you've slaughtered today!" He blasted toward Kerrigan, preparing to knock her head from her body.   


She ducked under him. Gohan's eyes grew in size as he bounced off of the wall. _What the… she isn't fast enough to do that! It's like she knew I was coming…_   
  


Kerrigan laughed. "Oh, I knew you were coming all right. I can see right into your pathetic little mind, _Gohan._"   
  


Growling, Gohan leapt up from the ground at shot towards her again. This time, she spat a streamer of thick, green liquid into Gohan's face. He cried out in surpise, missing his intended target entirely. He slammed face first into living wall of the hatchery, and Kerrigan applied more of the sticky green substance. Gohan struggled against it, but it stretched with every attempt at freeing himself.   


Kerrigan continued laughing. "I hope you enjoy my Ensnare. Struggle all you like, it won't do you any good."   
  


Kerrigan's laughter halted as a blade tore into the soft tissue of her lower back. She staggered under the force of the blow, and then spun about. "Who dares…" She found herself facing Ami, whose claws were held at the ready. "You? How did you get…" She heard a familiar '**_VOOOSH-HUMMMMMM' _**from behind. "Loose. Oh. I see." Off to the side, Gohan went Super Saiyan, sending green goop flying in all directions. She backed into a corner, attempting to find a way out of her current situation. On some instinctive level, she called her swarm to her. But she knew they would arrive too late. _Time to play my trump card. _  


*********   


"The Brain to Skull One. The Brain to Skull One. Come in Skull One."   
  


Roy Fokker danced his nimble Veritech fighter around gouts of purple acid spewed by a C-shaped alien. He reached up and pressed a switch on his panel, and the fighter grew arms and legs. Now guided more by the neural impulses picked up by his "thinking cap" than by any switch or lever, the Guardian leveled its gattling gun at the Devourer and sent a hail of depleted uranium death into the alien's side. With a loud screech, the black alien fell to the ground in two pieces.   


Suddenly, Roy's radar screamed a warning as two new threats appeared on his scanners. Roy quickly found the source of the trouble and spat a few rounds from his spine-mounted lasers at a pair of the smaller, kamikaze Scourge, blowing them both from the sky.   


The sky momentarily clear, Roy spoke, the speech activated technology automatically connecting him to The Brain, the ground control for Skull Team. "This is Skull One. Come in, Brain."   
  


"Skull One, we need air support! Some kind of alien bombers are making runs on the refugee boats. They can't take much more of this."   
  


Roy said, "Acknowledged, Brain." He pressed few dials on his control panel, brining up his squadron's tactical frequency as he switched back to the faster Veritech mode. "This is Skull One. Skull Team, move out to coordinates Oh-three-two-niner with all possible speed." His squadmates responded in affirmatives, although there were fewer voices than he would have liked. _Damn bugs. _  


Of course, Roy knew that he was better off than most of the Royal Air Force. A few years prior, a massive spacecraft of unknown origin, known as the Super Dimensional Fortress, or SDF-1 for short, had crashed into Macross island, a minor possession of France. The European government had immediately claimed the craft and gone to work on it. However, even the best that the Empire could offer had difficulty cracking most of the secrets of the craft.   


That is, until the Empire had granted an exclusive contract to Stark International, well known for their expertise in robotics and other applicable sciences. Within a year of the venture, the inner workings of SDF-1 had been sufficiently understood to produce the transforming Veritechs that made the heart of the Robotech Defense Force. The scuttlebutt that Roy had heard said that the fortress itself would be ready for flight within another year or so.   


Roy was forced from his reverie as his scanners picked up numerous enemies. "Brain, Skull Team has sighted the bogies. Moving to intercept." Roy accelerated towards the aliens.   


Floating in midair with no apparent means of support, the crablike Guardians spat globules of green acid at the defenseless transports below. Of nearly ten thousand refugees, only half that remained after the Guardian's initial attack.   


Roy centered one of the Guardians in his sights and let fly with a pair of Stinger missiles. The warheads detonated against the Guardian's carapace, sending chunks of carapace in all directions. Roy was about to select another target when he realized that the creature had somehow survived the direct hit.   


One of Roy's wingmates finished it off with another volley of missiles, but Roy didn't notice. He was too busy sending a stream of bullets into another Guardian. Suddenly, something occurred to Roy. _Hey, they aren't returning fire at all…maybe they can only hit ground targets?_ Roy gave another Guardian a steady glare. _Not so fun to be on the receiving end, eh?_   


It didn't take very long for the defenseless Zerg to be swept from the sky. Roy called up the Brain's frequency. "Skull One to The Brain. We've dealt with the threat. Awaiting next assignment."   
  


"Negative, Skull One. Fall back to the _Odin_ for repair and refuel."   
  


"What? The Brain, we still have another half hour of flight time."   
  


"Skull One, the enemy is withdrawing wholesale. I'd say we've won this one. Return to carrier _Odin_."   
  


Roy blinked a few times, but decided not to fight the order. "Skull Team, return home. Looks like we've won this round." Roy had his doubts about the war, but decided that a good hot meal would improve his attitude a bit.   


************   


Kerrigan smashed through a wall of the Hatchery as though it was paper. The battered and bruised Queen of Blades staggered to her feet, clutching the stump of her slowly regenerating arm.   


Ami, the new Princess of Blades, calmly stepped through the opening, Phil following closely after. A blue aura of lightning surrounded her as she shot another bolt into her "creator." Kerrigan cried out from the pain and fell to the ground. As she did, Gohan blasted his own door and walked in.   


Phil calmly walked over and put his foot on Kerrigan's neck. She cried out again as Phil increased the weight. "Ah, I remember the good old days when you could actually give me a good fight. Amazing what a few months can do, isn't it?" He further increased the pressure. "And it wasn't overly bright giving Ami here a big old powerup without making sure you could control her."   
  


Kerrigan coughed up green blood. It pooled around her face in a rather gory display. "A mistake I shall not make again."   


Phil's right arm was sheathed in a bright yellow aura. "What makes you think there's going to even _be _an again?"   


"Simple… if you kill me… kiss southeast Asia goodbye."   


Phil blinked. "Come again?"   
  


"New mutation… a virus… I based it on the Creep. If I die, several hundred cocoons of Airborne Creep in the South Pacific let loose their contents. Anyone who inhales it will either be Infested or die. The cloud will extend up to… what do you primitives call it in this century? Ah yes, China. So I'd suggest you get off of my neck, lest you slip."   
  


With a grimace on his face, Phil complied. _Damn it! Why is it that everyone I fight ends up with the lives of innocents as their playthings?_   


__

Squire, if that were not the case thou wouldst not fight them at all.   


__

Shaddap, Wart! This is no time to be logical! Io, any thoughts?   


__

Grossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgrossgross…   


Arthur whistled. _She hath not dealt well with Ayeka's proposal, hath she? _  


__

Apparently. Now Wart, any suggestions?   


__

Well Squire, this art a terrible stalemate. Thy own power alone could annihilate the vile beasts, but at a terrible cost in lives. Now then, I do have a plan. Grant her a parcel of land, which thou shalt renege all claim to. Meanwhile, thou shalt collect these Dragon Balls which I hath heard tale of in Valhalla. Once thou hast them in thy possession, vaporize the wench and wish those who hath been slain by the disease back to life.   


__

Nice plan, Wart. One problem; the Airborne Creep is a disease, and Shen Long can't wish back those killed by "natural causes."   
  


__

Then thou must simply wish this "Airborne Creep" to a location where it can do nobody harm and** then **vaporize the wench.   


Phil nodded in appreciation. _Very nice. But isn't this a bit unchivalrous? _  


__

Chivalry hath more flexibility than thou credit it with. If thy opponent is not Christian, then thou hath no obligation to use said code. Suddenly, Arthur had a flash of insight. _Squire, that wench can peer into the hearts of men! She hath likely heard my entire plan! _  


__

Way ahead of you, Wart. I put Io up front to provide us some interference.   


Kerrigan managed to lever herself into a sitting position. "Well? What do you say?"   
  


Phil mentally booted Io out of the way. "Tell you what; I'll grant you the use of the northern half of the continent for two years. Before that time is up, you must find a new homeworld for your brood, remove the Airborne Creep and move all Zerg to said homeworld."   
  


Ami screamed, "You're giving this monster half a continent?! After what she's done? I'll kill her myself!" Ami attempted the charge another bolt of Force lightning, but Phil used his own Force talents to deflect the bolt.   


Kerrigan spat. "You, sir, insult me. The Zerg shall remain wherever the Creep extends for no less than a century."   
  


Phil laughed. "Yeah right! Look, I'll give you the whole continent for fifteen years, with the same restrictions as before."   
  


Kerrigan considered the proposal and nodded. "I can agree to that. Now leave before I change my mind."   
  


"Gohan, make us an exit." Gohan, surprised and disgusted by the whole incident, automatically obeyed the order, blasting a hole through the Hatchery's various levels. Phil picked up the protesting Ami in a well supported hold and flew away. Gohan followed shortly after, if only to find out what the hell Phil was thinking.   


Gohan voiced his concerns as they flew towards what Phil could feel as the nearest human settlement. Phil waved away his comrade's concerns. "It's all a big double cross. It won't be much longer than a year before she's gone."   
  


Ami looked at her hand, flexing the inhuman appendage. She shuddered in horror. "And what about me? Did you stop to think about that!?"   
  


"Have you tried changing back?"   
  


Ami blinked. "Huh?"   
  


Phil smirked. "Focus on your normal self. I have a feeling that since Kerrigan hadn't finished her work yet, your form should still be somewhat malleable."   
  


Ami concentrated for a few moments, willing her body to change. She opened one sickly yellow eye and sighed dejectedly. "Nothing."   
  


Gohan piped up. "Say, you Senshi have a transformation, right? It's not like you're just putting on a costume or something. You guys feel different when your in Sailor mode."   
  


Ami nodded and asked, "And your point is?"   
  


"Were you in your transformed state when Kerrigan did… _this _to you?" Ami nodded again. "Then try changing back the way you would from your Sailor Mercury state."   
  


Ami focused her energy in the proper way, and was rewarded as she reverted to her normal state in a flash of ribbons. She looked down at herself an gave a war woop. "Woo hoo! I'm me again! Gohan, if you weren't Usagi's future husband, and we weren't several thousand feet above the ground moving at mach three, I'd kiss you!"   
  


Phil raised a single eyebrow at his companion. "You sure seem to know a lot about Silver Millennium Transformations."   
  


Gohan sweatdropped. "Uh, er, well, I've been around people transforming for most of my life. You pick up on it after a while. Heh heh." _Please, please, PLEASE don't ask about my secret stash of Sailor Moon manga…_   
  


Fortunately for Gohan, Phil seemed content with the answer given. "Well then, all's well that ends well, right?"   
  


Gohan suddenly caught a glimmer of motion some distance away. He squinted slightly and saw a pair of metal devices heading their way. "Hey Phil, do those planes look funny to you?"   
  


"Eh?" Phil shifted his hold on Ami and pulled out a pair of binoculars. He set the device to maximum magnification. "Ah hell! ICBM's!"   
  


Ami elbowed Phil playfully. "What's that about everything ending well?"   
  


"Shut up or so help me, I'll drop you!"   
  


************   


Much, much, MUCH later…   
  


Phil, Ralph and Ecks were in a lounge at Physics Police HQ, sprawled out over a trio of couches.   


Ralph panted. "Man, am I beat! What a day!"   
  


Ecks nodded. "You said it."   
  


Phil glared at his subordinate. "What are you talking about? YOU WERE ON A THREE DAY PASS TO VISIT YOUR MOM!"   
  


Ecks said, "Well, that's tough too! She has this weird idea in her head that I'm an old maid since I'm older than eighteen and haven't given her any grandchildren! You have no idea how many ways there are to work the phrase, 'Where are my grandchildren?' into casual conversation!"   
  


Ralph decided to change the subject. "Say Phil, how _did_ you manage to convince the Europeans to accept your informal, verbal and totally unverifiable treaty anyway?"   
  


"I just told them that I had a secret plan that was guaranteed to work, and promised that I'd take the throne in a week or so. Believe me, that guy they got to be regent was perfect for his job."   
  


Ecks said, "What do you mean?"   
  


Phil responded, "He doesn't want it. Those are really the only people who should have power. I think he would have gone along with it even if I hadn't had a backup plan. He was that desperate." A thought suddenly occurred to Phil. "Say Ralph, how did you explain away the Sailor Senshi disappearing for more than a month?"   
  


Ralph was idly playing with his neuralizer. "Let's just say that the Memory Master rode again."   
  


**********   


Meanwhile…   
  


"So Usagi, how was the six week Grammar Rodeo in Ontario?"   
  


**********

Physics Police HQ…   
  


Phil cursed as the intercom buzzed. "Will Special Unit Five please report to the Transporter Room immediately."   
  


Phil sighed. Phil looked straight at you. That's right, you, the reader. "Well, everything was wrapped up in a nice, neat little package. Of _course _BobCat had to pull something. What did you expect, a romantic interlude with Kione?" Phil considered this. "Not that I would mind that, of course…"   


(BobCat: Phil! Fourth wall up!)  
  
Phil sighed. "Whatever." He, Ralph and Ecks jogged out the door and to the transporter room. Phil turned to his companions. "You guys can handle this one, right?"

Ralph blinked. "Huh!?"

"I mean, how much trouble could this guy be? I'll be barhopping once we get there. I _really _need some time off."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Ecks, whoever this guy is, there's no way he's a match for either of you!" There was a sudden peal of ominous thunder. "Man, I wish Thor would lay off the special effects…"  


End Part 49   


Author's Notes: Joe Mello, you asked for 80's Anime and Mecha, you GOT 80's Anime and mecha.   


Another note: Yes, Roy Fokker was technically American. However, FC-1 is such a tangled mish-mash that anything is possible.   


Next time begins the secret project I've been hinting about. The Physics Police goes where it has never gone before when the creative juices of BobCat and Ash the Wanderer combine. [flaktrap: God help us.]  


Physics Policeman die. 

An indescribable evil is unleashed. 

Those thought dead return to plague the living. 

SU5 learns that there _are _real fanfictions. 

Phil gets the raw deal as never before. 

BobCat attempts to write angst. 

And the Physics Police will never be the same again


	50. A Night in Bludhaven

****

Part 50

A Night in Bludhaven

By: BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Disclaimer: Erik, the Legacy and all associated names and concepts are the property of Ash the Wanderer. Phil, SU5 and many characters featured are the sick and twisted creations of BobCat. And everything else belongs to some poor guy who's getting ripped off.

He was a giant of a man, a bear almost, except he was larger than most bears. He stood at least nine feet tall, and could have easily cleared ten. His arms and legs were thicker then some oil pipelines, all of it muscle as hard as rock. His hands were the size of computer monitors, and his feet put Shaq's to shame. His head was a somewhat misshapen globe, the forehead so large it would be more accurate to call it a sixhead, tinted with a strange dark tone. The giant was mostly bald, save for a long mane of yellow-blonde hair that flowed from the lower base of his skull, and two long tuffs of the same hair extending from his cheeks in a strange kind of beard. Although he was human, one could not say it on the first viewing. His visage inspired thoughts of other creatures, far deadlier.

And the fact was, he was as deadly as those creatures, and more.

You would think such a mammoth to be clothed in animal skins of some kind. In this case you would be surprised, for the giant wore not the skin of fallen prey, but an expensive suit (most definitely custom made). He sat at a desk in a chair also built especially for him in a quiet dark office towering high over the rotten city it surveyed. His hand clutched a phone, also especially made for him after he got annoyed of the usual cell phones being crushed in his hands. His voice was a low rumbling growl, but there was no anger in it.

"It is fine mother. No need to worry about that." The giant said, looking at nothing in particular as he spoke, his gaze passing on random things beyond the window of his office. "Yes, I am eating enough…yes mother."

Outside the window, a sharp hook of metal suddenly bit into the stone above it.

"Mother, I would appreciate it if you stop bothering me about that, I did it a week ago…I see…yes…well then…"

And then the room was full of noise and shrapnel as a figure swung down and went feet first through the window, shattering it into a thousand glittering shards of crystal. The figure swooped up, doing a graceful back-flip before he landed on his feet, the impact driving him to his knees as he landed ten feet in front of the giant, as if the glimpse he had gotten of him filled him with the desire to bow at this man's size.

The giant looked perturbed, but not too much so, as if these things happened on a more then average basis. He hadn't even stood up.

"…I will call you back mother." The giant said, and hung up. "I do not know what death wish has brought you here this time Nightwing…"

Then the figure looked up, and his eyes showed his appearance of kneeling was just that, an appearance. His left eye shone bright crimson, and his right eye, although it did not illuminate, also glowed with contempt and rage. He wore nothing but black, a skin tight armored bodysuit that clung to his body like the veil of night itself. A long mane of full black hair flowed down from his head, and metal glinted from his right hand as he raised himself up from his crouch, locking eyes with the giant, who now looked a bit surprised and confused.

"You are not Nightwing." He said in a matter of fact fashion.

"No." the dark man whispered. "I'm Nightmare, as in, Your Worst."

Now annoyance creased the brows of the giant, and he stood, towering over the dark man. The dark man did not budge.

"…Do you know whom you are speaking too?"

"All too well."

"Well, I do not. Who are you and why do you trespass in my place of business?"

"Exactly that, Blockbuster." The dark man said. "Business. Your business. I've been in this town two hours and the stink of Corruption is about to overwhelm my senses. It's gagging me, a putrid elixir of crime, repression, and cruelty. I will not stand for it. I'm going to clean it up as best I can, and I may as well start at the top."

Blockbuster's frown deepened.

"Who are you?"

"I'd tell you, but to pronounce it correctly, you'll need your tongue. And your HEAD!" the dark man yelled, and leapt.

Blockbuster swung and knocked the man aside like swatting a fly. The dark man rolled with it, angling himself so he hit the wall with his feet rather then a more sensitive body part and landed.

Blockbuster pushed a button on his desk.

"Tix, bring your men!…Tix! Tix!"

"Don't bother Blockbuster. I made sure we were alone. You can see your men again at the morgue, except you'll be joining them there."

Blockbuster's look of annoyance deepened into one of full on rage.

"I may not know who you are, child." Blockbuster snarled as he grabbed the front of his suit and tore it off with the shirt and tie, ripping the expensive fabric to shreds easily and without a care. "But interrupting me when I am speaking with my mother is a bad thing for the best reasons, and this, child, is the worst reason I can THINK OF!"

Muscles bulged as Blockbuster easily lifted his desk above his head as the dark man charged silently at him. With a roar, he hurled it.

The dark man did not alter his path as the desk bore down on him.

SHA-CLAKRK!

And then the desk split in half, each part flying away from the dark man, revealing the long metal talons that now extended from his fingers. He allowed himself a brief smirk and then resumed his charge. 

On a nearby rooftop stood two figures. Neither was particularly at home in Bludhaven. In fact, they looked like rejects from an Anime or Sci-Fi convention. One was a young Asian girl clad in a white Sailor Fuku highlighted with a black that matched her hair. The other was a middle sized Caucasian man with brown hair and blue eyes. He was dressed in a hooded brown robe over a white tunic. From his belt dangled what any fan of Star Wars would recognize as a lightsaber.

"Vengeance, AKA Christopher Erik Damien Ravensky." Ecks said as she looked into the scanning device that was currently analyzing the charging dark man. "Vigilante anti-hero. Powers: Cyborg, with synthetic parts in his right arm, left leg, and face. Superhuman strength, speed, agility, and reflexes. Highly skilled in weapons and martial arts, with preferred weapon being two foot metal claws extending from his right hand. Has the ability to tell if a person is basically good or evil, and to what degree of each or both. Also commands various energy abilities if the universe has the correct kind of power. Home Universe AK-BH7-8363-LE, AKA The Legacy."

Ecks ended the scan and turned it to Blockbuster, as he tried to grab Vengeance.

"Blockbuster, AKA Roland Desmond. Criminal mastermind and meta-human. Powers: Incredible superhuman strength and endurance from an untested steroid compound. Traded his soul to this universe's devil in exchange for intelligence. He's survived six hollow point bullets to the chest and having a house dropped on him. Home Universe TV-HE2-0737-DC, AKA DC."

"AKA this one." Ralph said. "Erik is a fish out of water, and he's messing around where he shouldn't be."

"Should we go break them up?"

"Not yet. Those two are far too intent on pounding on each other. I need to think of a plan."

"But Ralph…!"

"Relax Ecks. Blockbuster is far too tough for Erik to get an early kill, and Erik is too quick, crafty and stubborn for Blockbuster to easily kill him. Once they've worn each other down a bit, we can step in. If Phil wasn't…"

"Yeah, yeah we could go in right away. Are you SURE Erik can't easily kill Blockbuster?"

"No, and Erik has his pretty new wife waiting for him at home. I doubt he'll want to risk his life too much." Ralph said, as he stood back and used the Force to make sure his assumption held up. 

Erik dove between Blockbuster's legs and reached up, grabbing as firm a grip as he could of the man's torso and pulled, yanking himself up. He grabbed Blockbuster's shoulders and swung down and out, driving his knees into Blockbuster's face, ignoring the shock waves of pain. _Damn this guy has a hard head._

Blockbuster swatted Erik aside again. Erik rolled and was back up in a second. He dodged away from a punch and countered with one of his own, punching Blockbuster as hard as he could in his chest with his metal fist. There was a low "OUGH!" from the giant, and Erik felt pleased.

"THAT…HURT." Blockbuster growled. This time, Erik didn't dodge away in time. 

"OW-WOUCH!" Ecks groaned as Blockbuster's punch carried Erik right thought the nearest wall. She sure wouldn't have wanted to take a blow like that. "Now?"

"Not yet." Ralph said, although he was beginning to wonder how much of this waiting was proper timing and how much of it was worry that he could screw this up.

Ecks watched as Blockbuster followed Erik into the room and continued the fight, but even she could tell that Erik had analyzed the fighting style and was using the knowledge as he danced around Blockbuster. For every punch Blockbuster managed to land, Erik landed five or six blows of his own. Soon Blockbuster's chest and arms were covered in blood from the myriad of minor chest wounds Erik had managed to inflict on him.

"Impressive. Blockbuster has a few broken bones and a slight internal injury. All Erik has is a bunch of bruises. He is skilled."

Erik finally made a mistake and Blockbuster literally put him through the ceiling with a cracking uppercut.

"And now he's airborne." Ecks added as Erik exploded out of the roof of the skyscraper. He got to his feet and shook his head as Blockbuster pulled himself up after him. "Now?"

"Yes, this has gone on long enough. Let's go." Ralph said. 

"Enough trickery boy. It's time for me to twist your head off from your body." Blockbuster growled.

"Forget it jackass, I have more tricks then your namesake has videos." Erik shot back.

"PLANET X BEAM!"

The blast shot out, not aimed at either of the combatants, instead exploding at the end of the roof. Erik and Blockbuster looked at it, and then where it had come from. Which, in the end, had been the point: to draw their attention rather then hurt them. 

Ralph landed and reached out with the Force.

"Stop."

The figures did so. Ralph figured he would do the home-boy first.

"You no longer want to fight."

"I no longer want to fight." Blockbuster intoned.   
  
  
  
"You will walk away."

"I will walk away."

__

Good. Now for the intruder. Then we can get him home and give him enough paperwork to fill out so he doesn't try this again any time soon. "You no longer want to fight either."

"I no longer…"

And then Erik's body suddenly jerked as if someone has shocked him, and the dull look in his eyes faded away, replaced by the old rage.

"LIKE HELL I DON'T!" Erik yelled, and leapt at Blockbuster, slamming into him with his shoulder. Blockbuster was shocked out of his trance by the blow.

"Shit!" Ralph cursed, as Blockbuster bellowed and resumed the fight. "He must have something in his computers that activated if it reads mind control!" _Or else he just has more willpower than the average Stormtrooper?_ He was greatly annoyed, but it was still fixable. He would just have to…

And then Erik was airborne again, as Blockbuster tossed him. Ralph forgot about the Force mind control and switched to a Force shield as Erik slammed into him. The small stairway structure that led up to the roof crumbled in a hail of brick as both went through it. Ralph tried to find his head (not literally) as Erik got back up and attacked again. Ralph had absorbed all the impact.

"Ecks!"

"I know!" Ecks said, but in fact she didn't know. She was used to being told what to do. Well, the Reality Checker was out, it was for her own protection and not for others, and even if she walked to the point where she was in range, it wouldn't change the fact that they still REALLY wanted to kill each other. Ah, the IRS Audit Gun! Ecks pulled out the one issued to her and fired.

Unfortunately, her aim sucked. The beam blasted past the two combatants and away from the building, hitting some unfortunate half a mile away. Ecks cursed and fired again, this time missing by a good ten feet. Her Planet X Beam had never been this much trouble! Well, third time was…

Not happening, as the gun suddenly flew out of her hand, knocked out by a tossed blade. Ecks squawked as it bounced off the ground and off the edge of the roof.

"Stay out of this girl! Whoever you are, it does not concern yo-UGH!" Erik yelled as Blockbuster barreled into Erik like a bull. Erik used the momentum and every ounce of strength he had to roll and toss Blockbuster over him. His landing shook the building.

Out of options, Ecks did the first thing that came to mind. He pulled out her radio.

"Phil! We need you! NOW! NOW! NOW!" Ecks yelled as Blockbuster got back up.

"Want to keep this silly thing up, or do you want to take the gloves off?" Erik said.

And then a man with green eyes and brown hair blurred into existence between the two, a martini still in his hand and a look of incredible annoyance on his face.

Phil, as the man was called, immediately started barking orders. "Stop right now! To continue this fight is to risk making me mad!" Phil said. He had thought, that for once, he could relax on an assignment, but life always said no.

"And to defy me is to court death, fool!" Blockbuster bellowed, and charged at Phil.

Right into his fist, which slammed into Blockbuster's forehead with a thunderous crack. Blockbuster looked confused for a moment, and then he toppled over backwards, landing with a thump.

"The bigger they are." Phil said, and finished his martini. 

"Thanks Phil." Ecks said.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ok Ralph, Force lift or whatever this guy back to his office and give him a new memory that accounts for all the destruction."

"Force-lift him? Phil, this guy must weight at least…!"

"And I would have carried him if you had subdued him, but you didn't, so you will." Phil said, and turned to Erik.

Erik had been taking this new situation in, but as Phil turned to him he struck a combat pose. Phil glared at him. Erik glared back.

"Not easily intimidated, are you?" Phil said.

"I have fought the blackest and the bleakest. You are not either." Erik said.

"You aren't killing this guy either. In fact, here's what you're doing…" Phil said. "You are under arrest…"

"BITE ME!" Erik snapped, and tossed something at Phil.

Phil easily hit it, expecting it to be knocked aside or broken. It was a sphere, and it broke…and discharged a sweet-smelling gas in Phil's face. He coughed and blew it away.

"Nice try. Now you are…"

"Leaving. And I will have his head yet!" Erik yelled, and waved his arm.

And to Phil's surprise, he broke up into a flock of bats.

"WTF? He can't do that!…Can he? Ah, to hell with it!" Phil said, and flew up and after the bats.

"Phil, what are you DOING!?!?" Ecks yelled. Phil stopped.

"Huh? I'm chasing him!"

"What? He ran the other way!"

"What?" Phil said, and zapped up to the bats. His hand went right through them. His eyes watered a bit and the bats blurred away. Hallucination. 

"SHIT!" Phil cursed. That was what the gas had done, and while Phil was chasing ghosts Erik had actually run a different way. "Which way did he go?"

"Well that way, except I looked at you and he…" Ecks said, and made a motion that basically said "He's gone."

Everyone in the city of Bludhaven heard the bellow of rage and frustration. 

End Part 50


	51. When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go

Part 51:  
When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Physics Police HQ, Thirty Minutes Later

"What the hell do you mean that you can't find this Vengeance guy!? I mean, he kinda sticks out!" Phil was currently pacing back and forth, his battle aura occasionally flaring up, reflecting his barely contained fury. 

The wiry man readjusted his glasses so that they fit more comfortably across his large nose. His name was Sam, and he operated one of the thousands of sensor boards that allowed the Physics Police to monitor all of creation on a scale that few organisms could comprehend. It was said that the Physics Police knew everything thanks to these monitors; it was simply a matter of sifting through the useless data. 

Sam had an annoyed look on his face. "Look, do you have any idea just how hard it is for us to look for a particular person if they're doing their best to remain hidden? Our sensors are geared towards scanning extradimensional phenomena. Those that we DO have pointed at the Earth are looking for something out of the ordinary, like an alien invasion or a ripple in space-time or something like that. You are asking me to find a person who is VERY good at hiding in a city so full of hiding places that it isn't even funny!" 

Ecks was currently working on a cup of green tea. Trying to be helpful, she said, "Well, why don't you just use a Scouter or a Detect Magic spell to find him? I mean, he uses energy fields, right?" 

Sam shook his head. "It isn't that simple. Whatever he's using, it isn't Chi or Manna. It's like some kind of odd fusion of both, neither a powerful as Chi, but it doesn't require the poetry of Manna to get off an attack. Since we haven't had any contact with the inhabitants of universe AK-BH7-8363-LE, we don't have any simple way of detecting his unique energy patterns. We could theoretically modify a Scouter, but it could take a while, even if we HAD a sample of his energy field." 

Phil considered this. "So, what, we need to wait for him to strike again. The only problem is, this time he'll be expecting us." Phil adopted a contemplative look. 

Ecks sipped the contents of her teacup. "Phil, what are you thinking of?" 

"Well, if we stake out Blockbuster's place, that's a twenty-four hour job. That'll tax us, so we won't be in our best shape if and when he does strike. Which assumes he won't try to take him out en route between his office and wherever he lives when he isn't at work. What we need to do is figure out how he operates in a situation like this." Phil stopped in front of Ecks. "Give me your Hero-Dex." 

"OK." Pulling out the small, Game Boy like device, the misfit Sailor Senshi handed it to Phil. 

The ranking member of SU5 brought up Erik's file once again. "OK... cyborg... blades... able to sense a person's innocence... this is nice, but do we have anything about his past?" Phil looked at Ecks. "Ecks..." 

Finishing off her tea, Ecks muttered, "Yeah, yeah. Find out about this guy from the main database. What am I, your secretary?" 

Phil snorted. "Well, you sure as hell ain't a warrior. I mean, you REALLY need to work on your marksmanship." Insulted, Ecks began stomping towards the archives as fast as she could go. 

Sam glanced at his watch. He was obviously annoyed with Phil. "Well, oh mighty Field Agent, do I have your leave?" 

Phil waved the guy away, and the data analyst went back to his post. Phil strolled away without any real destination in mind. 

That was when the voices in Phil's head started. One, which spoke with an archaic accent said, "Well, Squire, what now? Thou hast tasted the bitter nectar of defeat, and thy opponent was not forced to even land a blow." 

Phil attempted to glare at himself. "Shaddap, Arthur. You know, this whole "the voices in my head are real" thing would be nicer if you or Io ever had anything useful to say." 

The soul of the dead Senshi of Io spoke up. "Why protect this Blockbuster guy, anyway? From the sounds of it, he has it coming to him." 

"Well Io, in case you didn't notice, Erik did sort of violate dimensional boundaries without anything approaching a license. Now he's interfering with the timeline of a universe that he hasn't even begun to understand. Unless he's an avid reader of DC Comics, I doubt he even knows where he is. To him, it's just another goal in his eternal war on evil." 

Arthur said, "Well, I fail to see what thy problem is. It seems to me as if he and thou art very similar in thy methods." 

Phil stopped. "What?"

Io chipped in, "Yeah, Phil. You kind of do dispense your own brand of vigilante justice." 

Phil's aura flared a bright yellow, and his eyes began to flash between their normal green and turquoise. As the chief had told him he really wasn't supposed to go Super Saiyan, he was struggling to hold back the changes. "Well, IO, in case you didn't notice, I am at least slightly selective in who I kill. I have limited my homicide to those who were evil and supposed to die anyway. I scanned this guy's dossier, and he goes after ANYONE who he deems evil. Even children. I agree that Blockbuster is a bastard, and probably does deserve death. But, as evil as he is, he is a part of his home universe. Who knows what kind of bad effects removing him could have? Believe me, I've tried playing with timelines before, and it's never pretty." 

Phil smashed his fist into his hand. "Besides, Erik made a fool out of me. Nobody does that. I want him. I want him BAD!" Phil smashed one of his fists straight through a wall, revealing a surprised accountant. Phil chuckled nervously, placing a hand on the back of his neck. "Heh heh. Sorry about that." Phil, realizing that it would be best to blow off some steam before he started blowing up headquarters, decided to make a quick visit to the gymnasium. 

* * *

Meanwhile, Ralph was doing some investigating of his own. However, as opposed to using the Physics Police's archives, he was planning on using Jedi meditation to find his elusive quarry. Of course, the Jedi knew that his odds the Force telling him exactly where to find Vengeance were slim to none, but it could give him some insight on his situation. 

Thus, upon returning to Physics Police HQ, he had locked the door to the barracks he shared with Phil, turned off his radio and the room's vidscreen, and was currently sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor. 

Ralph let out a sigh as he let go of his conscious self. A few weeks on Dagobah with Yoda and regular practice aided by his Holocron allowed him to achieve this state. Ralph lapsed into a state of oneness with the Force. Ralph lost all concept of time and place. In fact, he forgot that he even existed as a separate being, as he was swallowed by the voices of the quadrillions of organisms that were connected by the Force. Ralph knew both all of existence at once, and an impregnable void. 

After an amount of time beyond his comprehension, Ralph was shocked back into individuality as saw a pinpoint of light among the darkness. Ralph made no move to intercept the point, knowing after much trial and error that would only chase it away. Instead, he remained stationary, and let it come to him. The bright, white light swallowed him up, and when he opened his eyes, Ralph wasn't in Physics Police Headquarters anymore. 

Ralph was in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. The sky was a disturbing blood red in color, and occasionally a bolt of lightning penetrated the unnaturally hued clouds. Several burned out hulks of buildings of all shapes and sizes surrounded him. Although he technically had no body here, he found himself walking through the rubble and picking over the occasional charred corpse. In some places, there were outlines that looked like shadows when there wasn't anything there to cast them. It reminded Ralph of photos he had seen of Hiroshima and Nagasaki after the atomic bombs had been dropped on them. Except for the clouds, that is. 

As Ralph moved through the remains of what had once been a large city, he was suddenly knocked through the air by a massive shockwave. He slammed into the remains of a brick wall, crumbling it to dust. Yet, he felt no pain. As he returned to his feet, Ralph saw the source of the shockwave. A good distance away, two warriors were engaged in a savage midair battle. 

Ralph immediately recognized Phil, who was surrounded by the shimmering aura of the Mystical Powerup. However, Ralph focused more on Phil's opponent. It looked like a creature straight from the pits of hell. It was humanoid, with the proper number of arms and legs, and a head in the proper place. Little else led one to think of Homo sapiens. Its blood red hair matched the sky, as did the aura of power that surrounded it. Its right and left arm looked to be composed entirely of metal, with other parts of the body looking slightly more natural. The metal wings that sprouted from its back were composed entirely of metal and ended in razor tips. From its rear sprouted a metal tail that possessed a mouth filled with sharp teeth at its end. 

Ralph was too far away from the combatants to hear what they were yelling, but the intent became apparent once twin beams of red energy filled the air, intercepting at a point between Phil and the demon. For a moment, both pumped more energy into the growing ball of energy, but it eventually burst, spraying the area with shrapnel and filling the air with a blinding flash of light. When Ralph could stand to look again, both Phil and the winged monster looked unhurt. 

Ralph's astral form saw a body, disrupted by the explosion, fly end over end through the air, coming to a stop with a sickening crunch as it landed on the remains of a fire hydrant. Ralph ran over, attempting to identify the victim of the battle. She was a pretty young woman with raven hair, and a slightly darker than average complexion that matched Erik's. Several bullet holes were apparent in her torso, and a small pool of blood was already growing at the base of the hydrant. Ralph guessed that it was only small because most of the blood had already left the corpse. The Jedi instinctively sensed that this one was important, although he couldn't comprehend why. 

Phil cried out again, and began launching a barrage of Chi bolts at the demonic figure. The monster, utilizing all of its limbs, began to bat away the attacks, sending them flying every which way. One of the larger balls, through some stroke of fate, flew directly at Ralph. The Jedi attempted to erect a mystical barrier, but for some reason couldn't. As the blast consumed him... 

... he sat up with a start. Covered in a layer of cold sweat, Ralph unbent his cramped legs from their sitting position. Looking at the clock on his wall, Ralph saw that nearly five hours had passed. 

He shuddered. "What the hell was that thing? Who was that girl? Why was that winged thing so damned familiar?" As was the case with most visions left by the Force, there were many questions and few answers. 

He utilized a Jedi breathing technique in order to calm himself. Seeing the amount of time that had passed, Ralph decided to report in for active duty. As he left his room, he debated whether or not to tell the others of his vision.

* * * 

Meanwhile, in Bludhaven... 

Her name was Linda Jorgensen. She was a woman in her early twenties, with long blonde hair and pale skin speaking of Scandinavian ancestry. She was clad in some loose jeans and a nice turtleneck. Although she was not going to be winning any beauty contests any time soon, she was reasonably attractive. She was a clerk at one of the few businesses in town that wasn't owned by Blockbuster or one of the other crime lords. It paid its dues, but its small size and out of the way location were such that it wasn't worth anybody's time to add it to their territory. 

Perhaps her lack of affiliation with one of the mobs was the reason why she was currently fleeing for her life through the streets of Bludhaven. Most considered walking home at any time of the day suicide, particularly if the sun had shown even the slightest hint of setting. Especially if one was a woman, one of the favorite targets of the local street gangs. Having walked out at midnight after a late shift, most would think that she was crazy. 

At the moment, she was just going through her second wind. Her leg muscles screamed for relief, just a quick break. However, the revving of motorcycles behind her forced her onward. Linda knew that they were playing with her; with their machines, they should have caught her long before now. However, she hoped against hope that she would reach a safe haven before she was subjected to a gang rape and murdered. 

Taking a chance, she ducked into a back alley, hoping that it would lead her to the street across from her current path. As was typical for her, it was a closed alleyway. She wasn't the most athletic person under most circumstances. With her legs feeling like lead and ready to give out at any second, there was no way she could clear the brick wall. And then they moved in, easily trapping her. 

She turned about to face her assailants. There were about a dozen of them, and they dismounted from their motorcycles with smirks on their faces. The lead man was incredibly ugly. Judging by his girth, Linda guessed that he weighed a minimum of three hundred and fifty pounds. His head was completely bald, but the hair in his nose compensated. His face was covered by scars and bristly hair. He licked his lips hungrily, revealing that he possessed less than half of his natural teeth. In a gruff voice, he chuckled. "Well, darlin,' we had ourselves a nice little chase there, didn't we? But, well, y'know, now you've lost. As the winners, we've come to collect our prize." His leer left little doubt what he wanted. His look was mirrored by his compatriots. 

Linda pressed herself against the wall and started scratching it, as if she was attempting to dig her way through. "No! Please! I'll give you anything! Just don't touch me! Please! Help! Anyone!" 

The man loomed over her. In a false hurt tone, he said, "Now darlin,' that ain't sportin,' to make us go through all o' that work just for you to say no. Now, let's have it, shall we?" 

A voice from above snarled. "If you insist." The hideous man looked up, and a large foot smashed into his face. With an audible thud, the huge man fell to the concrete. 

"What the hell're you!?"

Erik towered over the prone man. His artificial eye glowed a bright red, and both of his hands were balled up into fists. "I am the bringer of Justice to those who prey upon the weak and innocent. I am your worst nightmare taken to its extreme. I am Vengeance. I smell the foul stench of corruption upon each and every one of you, and unless you leave right now, you will all die in very unpleasant ways. No wait, that will happen no matter what you do." His hard glare confirmed what he was saying. And his taste for speeches filled with metaphors. 

Wiping the flowing blood from his broken nose, the leader snarled. "Oh yeah, punk? Get 'im! And don't hurt the bitch!" 

The bikers rushed Vengeance as a group. The width of the alley prevented more than two from attacking at once, which suited Erik just fine. 

The first two attackers were armed with switchblades. The metal glinted dangerously in the moonlight. Erik glared coldly at the two. "You call those blades?" With the sound of metal upon metal, five blades slid from his artificial arm and snapped over his fingers and thumb. "THESE are blades!" 

One halted, not wishing to tangle with an opponent with such superior reach. The other man, named Bill, was not so intelligent. He continued his charge with an inarticulate battle cry. 

With a single maneuver, Erik brought the hand mounted claws down in a sideways slash. For a moment, it looked like Erik had missed. Bill continued his charge. Then, before the biker knew what was going on, his head and right arm separated from his body. The headless corpse continued for a few more steps, then slumped to the ground. 

The second punk attempted to retreat. However, he was boxed in by his fellows. Still not willing to engage this new threat at close range, he threw his knife at Erik. The projectile's path was true, and it flew right for Erik's right eye. Then, with a blur of movement, he caught the knife. "Allow me to demonstrate the proper way to throw a knife." His arm a blur, Erik sent the metal blade into the punk's throat. Clutching at his neck, he slumped to the ground with a gurgle. 

Another biker, this one armed with a chain, rushed towards Vengeance. "They got Jim! You bastard!" With a swipe of his arm, the punk sent the metal links flying at Erik. Erik, instead of taking them to the head, lifted up his natural left arm to block the strike. It wrapped around the limb, and Erik jerked it back, pulling the gang member towards him. Just before he rammed into Erik, the vigilante leveled his right arm. His blades bit deep into the torso of the punk. Erik removed him from his arm and stepped over him, leaving him to slowly bleed to death as he tried to keep his intestines from leaking onto the ground. 

Slowly, Erik pointed at the bikers, who now knew they were up against something quite bad. Unfortunately, they didn't realize it soon enough. 

"Eeeeny….meeny…miny…HEY MOE!" Erik snapped, even as the blades snapped back into his arm and the fingers split apart, more parts of his arm rearranging itself in less then a second. 

And then his right arm began to spit a jelly-like substance at the bikers. In seconds, every man had a layer of the sticky substance on at least one part of their body. With one final snap, three more parts sprung out of his arm and formed into a flamethrower. 

"I love a good barbeque, don't you?" 

With that, a stream of flame burned over the men, igniting the napalm that clung stubbornly to their limbs and body. Grabbing Linda, he leapt over the brick wall in a single bound. He ignored their cries for help and mercy. 

Looking at the blond woman, Erik asked, "Are you OK?"

"Please! Don't hurt me!"

Erik sighed. Was he so frightening, that she assumed that she was next? Most likely, but the taint of evil and corruption on this city was so great that he doubted that she would have trusted this "Nightwing," whoever he was. 

Erik shot a hook up onto the building next to him, and began the relatively short climb. Denied his intended target for the time being, Erik had opted for a different tactic; a campaign against Blockbuster's support network. And it would continue until every one of the corrupt in the city of Bludhaven lay dead or dying. 

* * *

Back at the Physics Police headquarters, it was a lot calmer then the corrupt town of Bludhaven. But violence lurked just below the surface, as Ecks read the info she had received back to Phil. 

"Ok, first born child of Steve and…" 

"I don't want his whole family history! Just tell me what made him all Tall, Dark, and Soon To Be Pounded?" 

"Might I point out our orders are to subdue him and get him out of the DC universe." Ralph said, trying to be the voice of reason between the angry Phil and the resentful Ecks. 

"I'll decide how much subduing is needed. Read on, Ecks." 

Ecks tell, telling a sordid tale involving horrific atrocities inflicted upon both the innocent and non-innocent, crazy doctors with plans of world domination, and a woman so insane and evil she seemed almost a parody, a joke that could not possibly exist. 

"Hey, there's something else here about this woman…uh Agony…fed on pain…wait, there's something classified here…damn, I don't have the clearance….ah, she's dead, so it doesn't matter... anyway, all the stuff made him REALLY hate people who do bad things to nice people like us. So he kills them. It hurts him to let them live, basically…wow, he's got a body count going into the thousands!" 

"Can we stop marveling over the accomplishments and finish!" 

"Sheesh! Ok fine…blah blah killed lots of people…world drastically changed through no fault of ours…became member of superhero/adventurer team called the Legacy…that's where the energy powers come from…spent most of his time trying to kill Agony and killing everyone who wasn't her…met his wife Celeste…here's the classified part…well, it ends with Agony's confirmed final death. Now he's married to Celeste…heh, get this, he's actually toned himself down…" 

Phil's phone rang then. 

"Hello?" Phil sad, and then all he did was listen. Then he hung up. 

"Get ready guys, he seems to have toned himself back up. We have a trail we can follow. In corpses." 

"Phil, are you sure you want to tangle with this Erik guy? He sounds kinda…scary." Io piped up as Phil ran for the nearest transporter room.

"You are welcome to hide if you want Io. I don't find angsty guys spouting bad Shakespeare scary." Phil shot back.

"But thy foe is also skilled and cunning, able to defeat you with a simple glamour that easily negated your far superior might."

"It wasn't a glamour! It was a hallucinogenic gas! Shut up both of you!"

The symbiote piped up as well, pondering if he could eat Erik's spleen.

"I may just let you!"

At least one of his personalities was happy. 

Sam looked worried as Ralph ran in.

"What's the story?"

"Well, from our records, Erik is already causing massive problems. We just aren't set up for this! We're supposed to deal with tears involving lots of beings. This Erik is so…individual."

"What's he done?" Ralph said.

"He's already killed at least thirty people…but that we can fix. It is his current action which is causing the alarm."

"What's he doing?" Phil said as he darted around Ralph.

"He's trying to kill Nitewing."

"Nightwing? The normal hero in Bludhaven?"

"No…not Dick Grayson…it is…rather complicated…" 

Indeed, Erik was not trying to kill Dick Grayson, who had once fought by Batman's side as Robin. Instead, his current victim was a man named Tad Ryerstad, an abused runaway who had grown up to be an angry young man who had tried the vigilante route himself. However, he lacked discipline and focus, and had hurt and killed innocent people as the result. Instead of a vigilante hero, he found himself a villain. That didn't stop him.

Erik had.

The two had crossed paths purely by coincidence. They had both wanted to inflict graphic bodily harm on the same drug dealer. Only, Erik had taken a good look at Nitewing and decided he wanted to inflict even more on him.

Nitewing had tried, but at heart he was little more then a thug who bludgeoned anything he deemed a threat. Erik was a highly trained warrior, who knew dozens of martial arts. Tad had been overmatched from the beginning and had been beaten from pillar to post. He had attempted to flee, but Erik had just played a macabre game of cat and mouse with him. Now Tad was cornered, hurting, and mad on one of Bludhaven's many skyscraper roofs.

"WASTOID!" he yelled, his mouth spraying bloody saliva as he threw a punch. Erik caught the arm, twisted it down, and smashed his foot across Tad's face and then followed through with a heel kick with the same leg. Tad flew backwards, his mouth spraying blood from freshly broken teeth.

"You should turn such judgment upon yourself." Erik hissed. Tad got up again, and then Erik broke his jaw with a snapping hook deliver with his metal arm. Tad tried to rise again, but Erik got there first and kicked him in the ribs so hard he was driven upward, right into Erik's elbow. He collapsed, groaning and muttering for his long gone mother.

Erik nudged him over with his foot and yanked him up by his shirt.

"It's almost a pity. Behind all that rage and viciousness I almost see good intentions. But don't forget what the path to hell if paved with." Erik whispered, no pity in his eyes.

All the defiance had been beaten out of Tad. All he could do was whimper. Another sign of weakness. It turned Erik's stomach.

"Are you gonna…kill me?"

"Maybe…maybe not…can you answer me a few questions?"

"Yes!"

"Where's Blockbuster?"

"Who?"

"Ok, assumed you had a brain. Ok buddy, what's 1+9?"

"….10?"

"Good. What's 5+5?"

"…10."

"7+3?"

"10."

"6+4?"

"10?"

"Good boy. Now the last question. What's an aluminum can made of?"

"Uh…tin?"

"NO, ALUMINUM!" Erik roared. He yanked Tad up.

"Mercy!" Tad begged.

"Mercy? You're looking for mercy?" Erik growled. Tad nodded frantically.

"Look somewhere else."

And Erik tossed Tad off the building. The still night air filled with his screams.

"Give my regards to the sidewalk!" Erik called after the falling body, and turned to leave. He had half a dozen other targets he wanted to strike before…

His enhanced ear twitched. No splat. Falling bodies went splat. That should not be…

Erik turned slowly as Phil rose up, holding Tad's now passed out body. With a sound of disgust, he dumped it on the roof.

"And…you got my clothes bloody…" Phil said. His aggravation had hit the boiling point. They had been zapped not to the fight, but to Erik's last victim before he had run into Tad. Ecks had taken one look at the hideously mutilated corpse, strung up with chains and with at least fifty needles sticking in his body (damn drug dealer!) and been violently sick. They'd left her to recover. Ralph couldn't fly, and had been reduced to the conventional method of running up the stairs (damn broken elevator!). Then Phil had had to catch Tad, and he'd bled all over him(damn brutal methods!). All in all, Phil was now good and pissed.

"You again. Who are you? Blockbuster's agents? No…you attacked him as well. This city's native heroes…if so, you do a lousy job…" Erik said, his calm pose hiding his razor alertness and observation of the situation.

"My name is Phil! And this time, YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!" Phil said, and zapped forward, his fist pistoning out…

And white energy suddenly manifested around Erik and formed into a sword, a sword he held out.

Phil punched it.

White energy leapt out and Phil found himself being blasted away. He almost flew off the roof before he stopped himself.

"DAMMIT!" Phil cursed, and blasted at Erik again. This time…

The white energy zapped out and smacked him again, this time disorienting him. He flew right into Erik's kick. He bounced along the roof a few more times before he got his feet again. This was impossible! He outclassed Erik in all aspects, how could he…

That sword. What had the files said?

"Strike with evil in your heart and you cannot defeat me, Phil. You walk a thin line already. Do not force me to destroy you if you stumble." Erik said, maintaining his calm demeanor. Phil looked and him and remembered. Of course. The Redemption blade. It repelled evil. 

However, that was all Phil could think of as he stared at Erik. Cocky arrogant son of a…

The third charge failed as well, as the sword always seemed to find him just before his fist could find Erik. This time he smashed the brick stairway platform like Ralph had in the earlier fight.

"Brute force. Been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt." Erik taunted.

"That is not chivalrous!" Author said, taking control of Phil's body and voice for a second. Erik looked confused. Where had the accent come from?

"Chivalry? Where you been buddy? Chivalry died with the Middle Ages. This is the 21st Century. This is my world, and my rules."

"Arrogant cur!" Arthur cursed in Phil's head. "Teach him some manners, Squire!"

Forth charge. Same result. This time Phil hit the floor face first.

"You related to Goku? You use similar moves…abet inferior ones…" Erik said.

"Gonna rip your head off…" Phil cursed. He got to his feet and put his hands to his side, charging. He didn't need his Improved Technique. This would be sufficient.

"KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…"

Erik's eyebrows rose.

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…"

He pulled up his arm and began punching buttons.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…"

Erik reared back his arm and tossed something at Phil.

Phil ducked, and chuckled with satisfaction as he heard the sphere break on the roof behind him.

"Not this time jackass. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…"

And then he felt it, a tiny tingling. Like little legs running on him. He looked down.

The incredibly tiny droid let that look be the last, as it suddenly propelled itself upward.

Right into Phil's mouth.

Phil gagged as it jumped in, and the surprise caused him to reflex ably swallow…

GULP.

That sphere hadn't been more gas. It had been a carrying case for the robot, and once broken, it had raced out and onto him. And into him.

"What…how…"

"Don't worry. The MTD will dissolve with no harm to you…it's what in it that will be harmful…"

"You bastard…what was in there! A poison? A nerve toxin? Have you gone so mad that you kill anyone who faces you?"

"No…you are still on the Pure side. Barely. Your aura is…confusing…like you were…well, more then one person."

Phil would have burst into hysterical laughter if he hadn't been so worried at what he had just swallowed.

"Your path must be chosen carefully, Phil. Now, before you go, why am I being arrested? The obvious aside." Erik said.

"Bite me! What was in that thing?"

And then Phil's stomach rumbled ominously. Erik smirked.

"A laxative."

The rumbling got worse. Phil glared at Erik.

"A very quick acting laxative."

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Phil bellowed, and flew off like all the demons of hell were after him. Erik chuckled to himself.

"Not likely. You'll be occupied for a bit. Look on the bright side, you'll feel pleasantly purged when it's over."

"Good. You can deal with me then."

Erik whirled at the new voice. Ralph stood calmly, having moved the wreckage of the stairway easily with the Force. Erik looked like he was trying to burn a hole through Ralph with his gaze, and then relaxed.

__

His talent. He's dubbed me as Pure. I think.

"They say your sword can't be broken…" Ralph said, unhooking the lightsaber. With a _TSOHHHH!_, it activated. "Neither can mine."

"I have no quarrel with you. Why do you insist on fighting me?" Erik said.

"It's my job. That sword can't hurt me. It can't cut the good at heart."

"No…but I have a mission. You seem to insist in interfering. I won't kill you…or hurt you…but if you insist on getting in my way…I will just have to show you the error of your ways." Erik said, and gave the Redemption blade some fancy twirls. Ralph blinked.

"May the Force be with me." He muttered, and attacked

The red blade of Ralph's energy sword met with Erik's white. Sparks leapt from the weapons. Ralph grunted as Erik's superior cybernetic strength forced his arms back. Ralph utilized the Force to leap over the vigilante's head and kick him in the back.

Ralph knew that he wasn't on par with anyone like Vegeta, Ryoko or even Ranma Saotome. Still, his efforts over the past year or so had taken an average man and put him to a new level entirely. He bet that he could beat Captain America in an arm wrestling contest and come out on top, an impressive feat for one that lacked chemical enhancement.

Which is why Ralph got VERY nervous when Erik didn't even seem to notice the blow. Spinning around, Erik attempted to catch Ralph with the Redemption Blade with a double handed swipe.

It was performed very nicely, and even though the blade wouldn't have killed Ralph, he would have had a very nice headache.

Had Ralph been there. Using a bit of the Force, Ralph leapt nearly twenty feet from a standing position.

Erik shifted his weight, coming down into a crouching position. He held the Redemption blade in a ready position. He took note of Ralph's attire and weapon. "What are you, some kind of Star Wars fanboy?"

Ralph leveled a steady glare at Erik. "No. I am a Jedi Knight. The Force is my ally, and a powerful ally it is." Ralph shut off his lightsaber, and cupped one hand, acting as if he was lifting something.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, he heard a whistling noise from behind. He fell to the ground, and a brick skimmed his head. He leapt backwards as a metal pole embedded itself in the rooftop where his head had been a second before. A pair of bricks lashed out from either side of him, one ricocheting off of his right arm, with the other narrowly avoided by a midair change of direction.

Ralph clipped his lightsaber onto his belt, and both of his hands got into the act. Erik was suddenly forced to dodge a hail of random debris. Although he managed to dodge most of it, Erik found himself being slowly whittled down. Unless something changed fast, he was in trouble.

Then, just as suddenly as the assault had begun, it ended. Erik glanced over to Ralph, to see the Jedi Knight panting. Although Ralph could hypothetically lift X-Wings, it took massive amounts of concentration.

Erik smirked. "Burned yourself out, I see." He charged at Ralph, who stood his ground. Erik slashed down...

…only to find that he had sliced a fairly large brick wall into two pieces. The top half, suddenly robbed of support, slid down the angled cut, and fell.

On Erik.

The Redemption Blade sliced through the hard wall like it was tissue paper, and bricks rained down on either side of him as Erik clawed his way out from under the rubble. "What the..."

Ralph smirked. "I can't control your mind directly, but I can plant a suggestion. Such as, 'The Jedi is on the other side of the roof, right beneath that brick wall.' A very good thing to know."

Erik leapt at Ralph, sword swinging. The vigilante halted in mid air. For a moment, Erik was confused. Then, he saw the strained look on Ralph's face. He was the reason that gravity was taking a vacation.

Ralph cried out, "Force Push!" Erik went flying, almost off of the roof. At the last moment, he smashed into the remains of the wall, which crumbled around him. 

Ralph panted. With as much Force as he'd used, telekinesis was out. However, he did have other talents.

Ralph mumbled words of an archaic language. Up until now, he had relied upon his Jedi skills. However, he was also a low level mage. His hands burned with flame as the spell was finished.

After extricating himself from the pile of bricks, Erik hadn't remained stationary. He knew a mage, and had a pretty good idea of what Ralph was doing.

However, before Erik could find cover or charge up his own counterassault, Ralph cried out, "Fireball Storm!" In a very excellent imitation of Gotenks' Renzoku Shine Missile, Ralph pumped his hands back and forth. Instead of Chi, however, Ralph let loose with, as the name implied, fireballs.

Erik managed to dodge a good number of them, but when the barrage ceased, parts of his black jumpsuit were on fire. 

Ralph's breathing had grown even more ragged. "You like... barbeques? How... about being the... main course?"

Meanwhile, Erik's right arm shifted, and soon a nozzle formed where his right hand should have been. Erik pointed the fire extinguisher at himself. "Thanks, I'd rather not." In a split second, Ralph's mystical flame had been extinguished by the foam. 

Ralph cursed. "Damn! How'd you... what are you... Swiss Army Man?"

Erik allowed the Redemption Blade to dissipate. "Well, Jedi or not, you're out of steam. I'll be leaving now. And don't interfere with me again." With that, Erik stepped backwards over the edge of the building.

Ralph didn't bother trying to find the vigilante, figuring that he would already be gone. After all, as a DC universe, it was perfectly in genre. He punched a few buttons on his wristwatch. "This is Ralph. Transport for one." In seconds, a hole in the fabric of space-time opened up. Ralph stepped into the red and white circle, which closed seconds later.

Meanwhile, Phil was having a date with a throne. However, we shall skip over that unpleasantness.

* * *

A few hours later...

In the remains of his office, Blockbuster stood in the darkness. It wasn't because he preferred the lack of illumination. He enjoyed light as much as the next person. It was simply that all of the lamps and light bulbs in his office had been destroyed when that bomb had gone off in his office.

He remembered it perfectly. He had been talking with his mother. Blockbuster smiled a bit at this. It was amazing how much she fussed over him. His enemies, and there were many of them, would have doubted that he even HAD a mother, much less one that doted upon him so much. 

A few minutes into the conversation, one of his aids had brought a package into his office. The man, Walter he believed, had stated that it was off the utmost importance that he opened it immediately. Blockbuster had told his mother that he would call back, when the package went off. The explosion had been horrible; it had killed everyone in the building except for him, and he had been left with numerous wounds from the shrapnel.

Of course, Blockbuster had a feeling that something wasn't right about the whole sequence of events. For one thing, he hadn't remembered ever having an aide who had the authority to barge into his office unannounced, much less one named Walter. 

For another, his own observations and the opinions of a private surgeon he had on retainer indicated that the numerous chest wounds he had suffered lacked any sign of foreign objects. So, the wounds were not caused by shrapnel, and looked to be more like he had been repeatedly stabbed. Plus, even if flying debris had inflicted them, they would not have been localized in his torso region like that. 

Then, there was the fact that any package would have had to sneak its way through several metal detectors and at least fifty well paid security agents. The odds of any bomb getting through there, much less one capable of the damage caused, were infinitesimally small. 

His office didn't even look like a bomb had gone off in the premises. Tables and chairs were smashed and walls were knocked down, but there was absolutely no evidence of an explosion.

His own body also gave lie to the nature of the attack. His arms and legs ached slightly, like they had been used in combat. 

A look around the building had shown that the structure was still pristine, with the exception of his own office. There was no evidence of an explosion large enough to kill every last man and woman in the place. Instead, all of them looked to have been killed individually in incredibly gruesome ways. So gruesome, even he, who had ordered some unpleasant executions, and caused some himself, shuddered. One man had been hung with his own intestines in the men's room on the third floor! Even HE found that absolutely horrible.

After all, now they would all have to be replaced, and that would be costly. Not to mention the cleaning bills.

And the most decisive reason to doubt his memory was that he had a feeling in his gut. It was much the same sensation he had felt after the devil had granted him intelligence; his mind had been violated. He wasn't sure how he knew it, but he did.

Blockbuster was a logical man, and all of the empirical data pointed to a new hypothesis; there had been no bomb attack. Some lone vigilante had gone through his building, killing everyone in his path. The lunatic, planning to finish his massacre with Blockbuster, had burst into his office and attacked him with a sword of some kind. Blockbuster had been able to fend him off and had been ready to give the killing blow, but the assassin had used some kind of unknown method to rewrite his memory, and had done a poor job of it. 

Then, the reports had started coming in. Somebody was going through Bludhaven, slaying everyone in his path. That he had only cut down those employed by Blockbuster was all too coincidental in the crime lord's mind. What were the odds of an aborted assassination attempt AND a campaign against his empire occurring in the same night and not being connected? Slim and none, and Slim had just left town. 

Some might consider it foolish to stay in one place after an attempt on your life. Those same people would consider it lunacy to remain where the attack had taken place. However, Blockbuster was very aware of this, and assumed that any assassin would think the same way. Blockbuster had learned early on in his career that doing what your opponent didn't expect was the best policy.

The custom-made phone in his right hand had survived the attack. It was very fortunate that it was composed of a titanium alloy. Considering his mood, the strain his enraged grip was putting on it would have shattered had it been made of anything less.

"Hello? Yes, this is Desmond. No, actually, I'm not doing well. I have a pest problem, and I require your services. No, it isn't Nightwing. I'm not sure who he is or what he looks like. He'll be rather obvious; he is the man who is surrounded by the dead and bleeding bodies of my men! Yes, the usual fee. No, I DON'T want him alive! The living can cause problems, while the dead tend to stay that way. I want all of you on this one; from what I can gather, he took me on in single combat and survived." Blockbuster sighed. "No, I don't particularly feel like telling you why I'm not sure if we fought. What, Shrike isn't available? Damn it! Well, do it without him! Electrocutioner is also out of town as well? Curses. Well, just you three then! I want his head on a platter by tomorrow night!" With that, he hung up on the man. At that moment, the phone gave a shriek and smashed into a small pile of scrap. "Hmmm. I must learn to control my temper. Well, dealing with this would be assassin should do wonders for my mood." Maniacal laughter seemed appropriate, but as Blockbuster had never been too good at it, he refrained from anything more than a light chuckle.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Physics Police HQ...

"Damn him damn him Damn Him DAMN HIM DAMN HIM!" As he paced back and forth, Phil's aura was a pure yellow in color, and given his rage, he was struggling to hold back the Super Saiyan transformation. He had just spent the last few hours in the water closet, and it hadn't done much for his mood, or the mood of his 'roommates.' "How the hell does he do it? How?"

Ralph sighed. "Well, Phil, he used a little thing called tactics. He knows that he can't beat you in a head on confrontation, so he's been consistently outsmarting you."

Phil halted. "Hmmm. You may have a point there. But it's not like you did much better."

Ralph glared. "Are you saying I'm incompetent?"

Phil shook his head. "Not quite. You're more overenthusiastic than incompetent. I mean, Ralph, the Force is with you, but you are Darth Vader! You always do this; you put too much Force and Manna into your attacks, and end up drained when your opponents dodge or shrug them off. It happened when you fought the Sailor Senshi, Cell and now with Erik. Pace yourself, man! Am I right, Ecks?" She didn't respond. "Ecks?"

Ecks was simply staring straight ahead. She still couldn't get the image of that drug dealer out of her head, and it weighed heavily upon her mind. Phil noticed this and said, "Um, Ecks? Is everything OK?"

The young girl shook her head. "No. No it isn't." She started chuckling. "Phil, just how stupid was I?"

Phil and Ralph were both confused.

The Sailor Senshi noted their lack of comprehension. "I mean, when you first met me. I found that discarded, faulty transformation pen in a dumpster, blurted out, "Sailor Ecks transformation," and boom, I had powers far beyond those of mortal men. Or did I? I'm useless! I mean, I took down Kerrigan, but you did all of the hard work. I just snuck in and hit her when she was softened up. I thought I could make a difference. Even when you guys made me join the Physics Police, I honestly believed that I could be a significant player. That I had power and could help people. Damn it all, I was so stupid and naive."

Phil came up next to her, sat down and put a hand on her shoulder. "Ah, c'mon, Ecks. You're as competent as any of the Senshi."

She glared at her superior. "Oh, gee thanks! Like THAT'S supposed to make me feel better! You're always bad-mouthing them at any and every opportunity! I can't hurt anyone! Majin Buu, that version of Cell we fought, hell, I couldn't even hurt a damned Velociraptor!" The tears were now running down her cheeks.

"Damn it, I'm even more useless against this Vengeance guy! I mean, if he can take on you and Ralph, what chance do I have? None, that's what! Seeing that guy handing there, needles jammed in everywhere, I... I just couldn't take it anymore! I couldn't help him! I couldn't help any of them! I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE, I'M SO DAMN USELESS!" She started to weep openly.

Phil took her up in a hug, making what he hoped were comforting noises. However, that was more Io's doing. Mainly because Phil was so enraged that he could hardly avoid going Super. All that held him back was the knowledge that he would crush Ecks like an egg if he did.

Phil was currently inhabiting the astral plane, along with Arthur and the mental projection of his alien symbiote. He addressed the dead British King. "Arthur, this ends now."

"Excuse me, Squire? Thou hast not been successful yet. What makes thou think that thou can best him when next thou sees him?"

Phil was clenching and unclenching his hands angrily. "He is the biggest hypocrite in the multiverse. I mean, look at poor Ecks! He claims to protect the innocent. Well, Ecks was about the most innocent person I've ever met. She was almost childlike. Now, she doubts her ability to do anything. He crushed her spirit! Sure, she wasn't the most powerful member of the team, or the most versatile, but she did her part! Now... well, she'll never be the same again. These people Erik killed were the scum of the Earth, completely irredeemable. Yet, her basic goodness allowed her to feel for them, and pity them. And that has scarred her soul." He eyed the symbiote's image, getting the inklings of an idea. "Well, he will go back to his own world in chains, or in a plastic bag. And to catch a vigilante, we need to surprise him. Here's the idea..." 

End Part 51


	52. Boomer and Lance Interlude

Part 52

Boomer and Lance Interlude

By BobCat (Ash is taking a break for this one.)  Sorry this took so long.  

Disclaimer: OK fine, so maybe I did break a few dozen copyrights.  But remember, does not the Bible say "let he who is without sin cast the first stone?"  

            (Stone hits BobCat in the side of the head.) 

            BobCat: **_Dammit Sasami, what the hell was that for?!_**

            Sasami: "But you said…"

            BobCat: **_Sigh.  Nevermind.  Let's just begin this thing, OK?_**

            ***********

Quote of the Day: "Power corrupts, but absolute power is kind of neat."  Michael A. Stackpole, _Ghost War.  _

            ***********

            Freeza sighed contentedly as the cool breeze whispered across his purple and ivory skin.  Today was a very good day for a variety of reasons.  For one thing, the mere fact that there was a cool breeze within a hundred miles of himself, much less one close enough to whisper against his skin.  Hell isn't known for its cool breezes, be they the whispering kind or not.  Actually, the whole whispering thing is rather optional, as it might have only been talking very softly.  But whispering makes it sound like literature, as opposed to some plagiarized trash that one would find on the Internet.  

            Freeza bellowed at the sky, "Get on with it!  I haven't got all day!"

            Oh, right.  Skipping the page or more of planned exposition, this brought him to the single most important detail of it all: he was alive.  For nearly fifteen years, that detail, taken for granted by most of the people of the universe, had eluded him.  And now, thanks to some fool blabbing the wrong thing to the Eternal Dragon.  

            A blue haired girl was hovering slightly above him and to his right, supported by an oar.  She glowered at Freeza, as if hoping that she could bore holes through the Prince of Transformer-jins.  "Watch your step, Freeza.  Your life has been restored by chance and chance alone.  Try to make something constructive of your life this time."

            Freeza laughed, a hard, raspy sound.  "Now, Botan, was it?  You really expect me to change my ways?  My dear, you ought to know me better than that."

            Botan said, "It isn't too late to change!  If you used your powers for good instead of evil…"

            Freeza laughed again, injecting cold humor into his voice.  "Good and evil are such arbitrary distinctions.  Life inevitably runs down into death, so what difference is there if I expedite the process?"  He turned around, smirking.  "For the living incarnation of death, you certainly go on like Goku.  Now leave, gnat, before I swat you from your ridiculous perch."  

            Botan sighed.  "Very well then.  Changing to a less… genocide-centric lifestyle might have saved you.  Just so that you know, don't say that I didn't warn you."

            Freeza snorted.  "Save me from what?  Those idiotic monkeys are too far away to notice me in time to save their pathetic little world.  By the time they notice that Earth is crumbling around them, I'll be long gone."  Freeza fired a bolt of red energy at Botan, missing her by less than a centimeter.  "Now begone."  

            Botan gave her own smirk, followed by a mock bow.  "Very well, 'Lord Freeza.'  I'll be seeing you shortly."  With that, she and her oar ascended into the heavens and were lost among the clouds.  

            Freeza frowned.  "Now what did she mean by that?"  He puzzled over the cryptic farewell for a moment, and then brushed it aside.  "She only wants to slow me down long enough for those monkeys to show up.  Yes, that's it.  A self fulfilling prophecy."

He let out a cry as his lanky frame grew.  Red and black energy began to seep from his body, flowing into his hands.  A gigantic ball of Chi floated in the air before the Transformer-jin, more than enough to vaporize the planet Earth.  Sweat trickled down his face from the exertion, but his evil grin never wavered.  "Well Goku, you may be the strongest in the universe, but I've still managed to checkmate you.  Enjoy your last moments…"  

            The word "alive" was cut off as a loud engine roared behind him.  He turned around just in time to see a large jeep-like vehicle crest the hill behind him, seemingly undeterred by the events going on before it.  

            Had he not focused his energy into his attack, Freeza might have survived the initial impact.  But he had, so he didn't.  

            After several seconds, Lance stopped the jeep.  He turned to his partner.  "Hey Boomer, did we hit something?"  

            The taller man nodded.  "I think so.  Better back up and check on it."

            "Right."  Lance put the jeep in reverse, and there was a **bump-bump sound as the large wheels went over Freeza's corpse.  "Oops, went to far.  Better pull ahead."  **Bump.  ****

Boomer said, "Hey Lance, it's on your side.  Check it out."

            Lance took a swig of his beer and looked over the edge.  "Ew, we hit some kind of big lizard."  

            Boomer whistled.  "Whew!  Glad it wasn't anything important."  

            Overhead, Freeza's disembodied soul ranted and raved at the two soldiers.  "Not anything important?"  Freeza's fingertip glowed with red energy.  "I'LL SHOW HIM NOTHING IMPORTANT!"  His aim was true, and a bolt of red energy flew straight into Boomer's heart.  

            And then went out the other side, as if nothing had happened.  In fact, it passed through several other objects before dissipating.  

            Freeza stuttered, "Wh-what the hell?"

            "You're dead, silly.  You can't interact with the living."

"What the hell are you talking about?!  Goku gets to go back all the time!"  

"Different jurisdiction.  King Enma may let that kind of stuff fly, but Koenma doesn't."  Botan floated down.  "I hate to say 'I told you so,' but I did warn you that your path would lead to your destruction.  Now come back to hell; Team Rocket needs their mascot."  

            On the astral plane, the screams of a twice-dead murderer echoed.  But nobody could hear him.  

            Meanwhile, Lance had shifted the car back into drive, and the "Warthog", as the futuristic jeep was called, blazed along the large expanse of emptiness that shouldn't have existed in a territory where those with houses more than six feet apart are considered "the country."  Despite a growing pile of empty beer bottles on the floor of the 'hog, Lance's hand was steady on the wheel.  They drove in silence for nearly twenty minutes.  In this time, the pile of empties had grown even larger, yet copious amounts of booze seemed to have no effect on Lance.  

            Boomer was an entirely different story.  He draped on arm over Lance's shoulders.  "Y'know what, Lansh-sh?  Yer the b'st friend in the whole wide world.  Some idiots like Ivan, or Cypress, or Lance, ya just can't live with 'em."  He hiccuped.  "But you?  Yet the b'st friend in the whole wide world.  Have I t'ld ya that la'ley, Lenny?"  

            Lance sighed.  "Time for a sober-up, Boomer."  Still driving, Lance reached into his pocket, tore a syringe from its package and jammed it into Boomer's leg.  

            Boomer shook his head as a powerful enzyme converted all of the alcohol in his bloodstream to sugar.  "Aw gee, thanks a lot!"  He reached into the cooler and popped the cap from another bottle.  "Now I gotta start all over again!"  

            "You know the rule: the second you start referring to me as a character from the Simpsons, you get a sober-up."  The continued along, neither saying a word.  

            As Boomer finished his third bottle, he turned to his friend.  "Say Lance, how much longer do we have on our day pass?"

            Lance checked his watch.  "We still have ten hours left.  See?  It's 1:00 AM." 

            Boomer glanced around.  "Um, Lance, the sun's out.  I think your watch is dead."  

            Lance said, "Digital watches don't die!  We must be near one of the polar regions."  

            "I hadn't thought that your ability to judge the passage of time was quite THAT bad, Lance.  You do realize that you're both screwed, right?"  

            Lance cried out in surprise, losing control of the Warthog, which spun out of control.  Lance barely managed to avoid smashing into one of Japan's few remaining arroyos.  He panted, "Dammit Cypress!  Don't do that!"  

            Boomer blinked.  "Wait a second.  How did you find us?"

            The blond elf settled easily into a seat behind the pair, setting his feet on Boomer's armrest as he leaned back.  He was clad in a black tank top and a pair of blue jeans.  An incredibly **large** rifle was strapped on his back, and a bandoleer of ammunition was run down his chest.  "I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you."  The glint in his eyes told Lance that the threat was completely real. 

            Lance muttered something about, "No good smart-ass half-elves."  He sighed.  "Well Boomer, looks like old Kill-Joy Woods strikes again."

            Cypress Woods glared at the truant trooper.  "Y'know, this is getting kind of old, considering that YOU are MY commanding officer.  I still don't know how you pulled that off."  

            Lance tugged at the collar of his jacket for a moment.  "Well…"

            FLASHBACK

            A slightly younger Lance sat in the CO's office.  "Wait.  You want to put ME in command of a power armor squad?"

            The man nodded.  "Why, private Cameroon, I don't see how you've managed to avoid a promotion as long as you have!  Top marks at the academy, a Purple Heart, three Coalition Starbursts for service above and beyond the call of duty, and capturing that entire Battlemech battalion with some duct tape and a Swiss army knife… brilliant!"

            Lance began to correct his CO, saying, "But sir, my name's pronounced…"  A lightbulb went off over his head.  "…Cameroon.  Yup, that's how it's pronounced!"  

            The CO clapped Lance on the shoulder.  "I see big things for you, Corporal Cameroon.  Big things!"

            Lance nodded.  "Yes, I, Lance Cameroon, that being my name, as I am commonly known, accept this honor with dignity and sobriety."  

            END FLASHBACK

            Lance shrugged.  "Just lucky, I guess."

            Boomer said, "So, what's up?"

            Cypress grinned.  "We've got ourselves a mission.  But first, we need to get your gear, and I need to get my big sniper rifle.  So turn this jalopy around and let's go."  He folded his arms across his chest, closed his eyes and seemed to fall asleep.  

            Lance put the Warthog into gear and began a U-turn.  He muttered, "Ah, go hug a tree."  

            In a single swift movement, Cypress leveled his supposedly undersized rifle precisely on the back of Lance's head.  "You wanna repeat that?"

            Lance responded, "Uh, I said Gohan's love ain't free!" 

            "That's what I thought."  Cypress returned the gun to its strap and returned to his state of demi-sleep.  Lance had many more unpleasant comments to make, but he managed to summon enough tact to keep his mouth shut long enough for Cypress to forget the incident.  

            This was a grand total of five seconds.  Although Cypress was known to take potshots at those who annoyed him, he and Lance had an unspoken agreement: Lance wouldn't report said potshots, and Lance would not be the target of said potshots unless he _really _deserved it.  Lance said, "So, now that we've gotten the obligatory introduction of the new character out of the way, why did you track us down just now?"

            Boomer interjected, "Yeah, I'd been wondering about that one myself.  I mean, we were gone for eight hours."

            Cypress responded, "Lieutenant Creel said that every nanosecond away from you was like being upgraded from hell to purgatory.  I came because there's a situation."  

            Lance asked, "What kind of a situation?"

            Cypress said, "A two-thirteen."  

            Boomer said excitedly, "You mean a large, amorphous monster attacking a chocolate factory?"

            Cypress nodded.  "That's the one."

            Boomer pumped his fist.  "All right!  I can try our my new Man-pack Gauss Rifle!"  

            Cypress leaned back and closed his eyes again.  "Waste as much ordinance as you like; I don't think it'll do much to this one."  

            Boomer looked absolutely horrified at the concept.  "WHAT!?  That's impossible!  Everything dies if you shoot it enough!"  

            Cypress grinned slightly, saying "Wanna bet?"  

            ***********

            Later…

            In Hershey, Pennsylvania, an armored Boomer, almost bereft of ammunition for his Gauss Rifle, grudgingly handed a five-spot to a similarly armored Cypress.  "OK, fine.  You win.  Not everything dies if you shoot it enough."  He and Cypress were situated atop a tall building, weapons at the ready.  

            Cypress nodded, stuffing the dollar bill into an empty spot on his ammunition bandoleer.  "I'm glad I finally got you over that misconception.  It's not how many bombs you drop, it's where they land that count."  He looked down the scope of his sniper rifle, lined up with his target over a kilometer away, and let loose a round large enough to punch through a tank's armor into Buu's gut.  "What's important is that anything alive will get distracted if you shoot it enough, which gives us a chance at settling this without nuking Pennsylvania to kingdom come."

            Boomer happily queried, "That's still Pan B, right?"

            Cypress sighed, "Yes Boomer, that is still Plan B."

            Majin Buu was decidedly angry.  First, his weeklong chocolate binge screeched to a halt when the plant ran out of cocoa beans.  Then, along come these three metal weirdoes who start shooting at him.  Sure, the bullets didn't hurt, but the holes that the high velocity ammo left were annoying.

He summoned a ball of pink energy, doing some rough estimates of his targets' range.  "Buu make metal man dead!"  Evidently, Buu had some form of telescopic vision, as the bolt Boomer squarely in the gut.  He was blown backwards by the kinetic impact, but his Chi dampers managed to dissipate the explosive charge.  The force was such that Boomer was blown off of the roof.  Crying out, he instinctively activated his armor's jump jets.  Unfortunately, he clipped a chimney on the building, bending one of the nozzles almost shut.  The searing plasma that had been vented through the nozzle built up for a few moments then burst the jump jet altogether.  Wailing in surprise, Boomer went off kilter, flying over the left side of the building and slamming through a brick wall at street level.  

Boomer stood up, groaning.  He leaned through the hole he had just made in the wall.  "That's gonna sting in the morning."  

As Boomer came into his line of sight, Buu scratched his head.  "Huh?  Why metal man no go boom?"

"Because going boom no in metal man's contract."  

Buu jumped back in surprise at the unexpected noise.  He glanced around, looking for the source of the voice.  "Huh?"  His eyes finally settled on Lance.  

Unlike his compatriots, Lance was still dressed in his civilian clothes.  Except for a holdout pistol hidden up his shirtsleeve, he was completely unarmed.  He had a nondescript box tucked under one arm and a smile on his face.  "Hello, I'm Lance.  Wanna be my friend?"

Buu's mind stalled for a moment as it attempted to shift from "blow stuff up" mode to "let's make friends" mode.  "Huh?  You no afraid of Buu?"

"Now why would I be afraid of you?  Sure, you're a big, rampaging monster, but I skimmed enough Toonami to know that you're a kind hearted guy at heart.  Now have a beer."  

Buu was even more confused.  "Be…er?  What that?"

Lance opened the nondescript box, took out a brew and handed it to Buu.  "Here.  Drink this.  It will solve those nasty homicidal tendencies of yours."  He paused for a moment.  "Or possibly amplify them.  Either way works."  

Buu looked at the bottle in his hand suspiciously.  He popped open the top with his gloved hand and took a sniff.  He put his fingers up to his nonexistent nose.  "Bleh!  This smell awful!  Buu no drink this!"

Lance said in a stern voice, "Now Buu, stop being such a baby!  I'm your friend, right?  I said this stuff was good.  Would I lie to you?"

"Since when you Buu's friend?"  

"Since right now, buddy!  Now chug!"  

Buu, still more than a bit confused, did so.  He smacked his lips slightly, pondering the new taste.  Sure, the taste was bad, but this new, warm sensation flowing through his stomach felt nice.  He gulped down the rest of the bottle and tossed it over his shoulder.  "Yum!  Buu like!"  

Lance offered Buu the rest of the box, and Buu began greedily sucking down the amber liquid.  Once the twelve pack was no more, Buu was feeling a bit tipsy.  "Buu feel funny, Lance."  He hiccuped.  "Friend want go kill annoying metal men?"  

"But Buu, those are _my friends!"_

Buu jumped back, growling.  "What!  You lie to Buu!  Buu kill you!"  He attempted to summon a Chi bolt, but in his inebriated state, he couldn't concentrate hard enough.  After several seconds, Buu gave up.

Lance, ever calm, shook his head.  "No Buu.  They're my friends, right?  And you're my friend, right?  So by extension, they're your friends too!  And you wouldn't want to kill your friends, would you?"

"Buu's head hurt from the logic and booze."  

Lance perked up.  "Well alright then!  A headache is your body's way of saying it needs more alcohol.  So let's go get plastered, friend!"  

Buu began jumping up and down happily.  "Yeah!  Buu have friends, Buu have friends, Buu…", he said, halting his happy jumping, "… have headache.  Buu walk instead."  

Fifteen Minutes Later, in the skies near Hershey, Pennsylvania…

Spiderman fumed in the back of the Avenger's Quinjet.  "For the last time, I was not drunk!  There WAS a gigantic pink monster attacking the town."  

            Iron Man had a pair of wires extending from his right wrist that were linked with a section of the dashboard.  "Look, I've been down that path too, but AA can give you a hand.  You obviously have some sort of problem.  We checked the town top to bottom, and while there were signs of a struggle, there was no ' pink monster.'"  The wires retracted back into the gauntlet.  "And sensors show no sign of anything airborne for a hundred miles.  So reject this fantasy.  Remember, the first step is to acknowledge that something is wrong."  

            In the back seat, the Thing and the Human Torch were behaving much like any children on a long trip.  Johnny Storm said, "Aren't we there yet?"

            Thing shoved him.  "Move over, Matchstick!  Yer in my seat!"

            The Torch glared back.  "What!?  You're in my seat!  Flame On!"  His body burst into flames, causing the Thing to cry out in surprise.  

            "Why you little!  It's…"

            Johnny screamed, "I am getting so sick of this!  If you say 'it's clobberin' time' one more time, I'm going to use a Nova Flare right here and now!"

            The Thing grinned.  "You know what I have to say to that?  Clobberin' time, Clobberin' time, CLOBBERIN' TIME!"  Assorted Avengers scattered as the plane began rocking as several hundred pounds of orange-skinned man leapt as his teammate.  

            Captain America turned back from the pilot's seat.  "If you two don't cut that out right now, I'm turning this airplane around!"  

            The Invisible Woman was massaging her forehead and counting back from ten.  Reed Richards, seated next to Captain America, faced his oft-time ally.  "I'm so sorry about this.  The boys are usually so well behaved!  If the Fantasti-Car hadn't been stolen…"

            Spiderman dodged a fireball and said, "Ah ha!  Proof that something was going on there!"

            Sue Richards muttered, "Not this time.  SOMEONE left the keys in the ignition.  Some kids probably are just joyriding."  

            The Thing paused in midargument, saying "Ah geeze, Suzie!  It ain't my fault!  If the Human Spark over here hadn't distracted me…"  

            "You lie!" shouted Johnny.  

            Reed spun his ultra-flexible neck around.  "Besides, from your drunken description of this being, he lacked the intellectual fortitude to operate a lighter, much less an advanced craft like the Fantasti-Car!"

            **************

            Meanwhile, aboard the hijacked Fantasti-Car…

            For the third time in as many seconds, Cypress was forced to hold down his lunch.  "Remind me why we let the pink thing drive!"  

            Lance responded over the gale, "The pilot's seat was the only one big enough for him!"  

            Cypress suppressed his vomit reflex again.  "And WHY did we steal the Fantasti-Car?"  

            Boomer fielded this question.  "Why, to give Buu a ride back to base!  Our transport only carries three!"  

            Cypress responded, "Did you ever think that HE could fly on his own?"

            Quote Lance: "Oops."  

            "Now Buu try barrel roll!"  

            Cypress moaned the moan of a lost soul.  _Damn airsickness…_

                                                   End Part 52

Note to Little Shannon: See?  No plot element is ever just dropped.  This was all planned from the start.  As for my being disturbed, well, that is true.  However, most of the non-humorous variety of disturbed-ness is written or inspired by Ash the Wanderer.  

********************OMAKE*********************

            A dignified man in a red robe sat before a cheery fire in an old, Victorian era mansion.  He was currently perusing one of the large volumes on the bookshelf, which at first glance looked like the works of such greats as Hemmingway and Shakespeare, but in actuality were every Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys book ever written.  He was smoking a pipe, but looked up from The Secret of Pirate Cove, or Possibly Pirate Cave, Which Will Obviously Involve Smugglers of Some Kind, Like in Every Other DamnedHardy Boys_ Book Ever Made__, when he saw that he had company.  "Ah! welcome!  I'm George Generic, and this is Our of Character Theater.  We have presented such greats as "__Cardcaptor Sakura on Crack," and __"Goku Masters Trigonometry."  Tonight, we bring to you __"Piccolo's School Daze."  The camera faded, and then resolved into a stage.  _

Piccolo was wearing a straight jacket, and Lance used a tazer to force him out onto the stage.  

            The Namek glared at the camera.  "I'm not doing it."  Lance zapped him.  "Argh!  OK, fine."  He took a deep breath.  "OK, one time I hired a monkey…"

            Lance zapped him again.  "Do the voice!"

            Piccolo growled, and took another deep breath.  This time, his voice was a perfect imitation of Brak from "Space Ghost Coast to Coast."  "OK, one time I hired a monkey to take notes for me in class.  I would just sit there with a complete blank while the monkey scribbled on little pieces of paper.  At the end of the week, the teacher said, 'Alright, I want you to write a paper using your notes,' so I wrote a paper that said, 'Hello, my name is Bango, and I like to climb on things.  Can I have a banana?  Eek Eek.'  I got an F.  When I told my mom about it, she said, 'I told you never trust a monkey!'  The End."  He turned to Lance and glared.  "OK, I said it.  Now turn off this Reality Checker before I rip you a new one!"  

            Lance raised an eyebrow in a questioning manner. "Right…" the trooper spoke as he nodded, "…sure you will… wait… wait…" he placed a single finger in the middle of the alien's forehead. "…No."  With that he gave a slight shove, causing Piccolo to stumble backward. As he did so, he tripped over one of the many power cords crisscrossing the stage and proceeded to perform a headfirst landing with all the grace of a hippopotamus descending from a low orbit.   
  


            Lance whistled a happy tune as he wandered off.  Piccolo's voice became panicked.  "Hello?  This isn't funny!"  The lights turned off, leaving the tied Namek in the dark.  As the camera faded out, he muttered, "Oh, I am _so _going to kill my agent for this."  


	53. Look Out Stan Lee! We Stole Your Idea!

Part 53

Look Out Stan Lee! We Stole Your Idea!

By Ash the Wanderer and BobCat

Disclaimer: What's mine is mine, and, thanks to the power of the internet, what's yours is also mine.  

In Bludhaven, things were going as they usually did.

His name was Nolly. He was a small time runner in a city that had thousands of his kind. His crimes were necessary, as he lacked the education or the intellect to do pretty much anything else. He had accepted his fate, and hopped that some day he could be more then a glorified messenger boy.

Well, Fate had answered, but not in the way Nolly had wanted. He had been promoted from runner to scapegoat.

They were six of Bludhaven's "finest", but the only thing fine about them was the possessions they had somehow acquired on a job that allowed them $30,000 a year, after taxes. They had long ago learned that to get anywhere in Bludhaven, one has to get dirty. These cops were beyond dirty. They were so filthy the term "pig" truly fit them.

Their dilemma was simple. In the process of a supposed arrest, they had instead killed a drug dealer and stolen his money and drugs. Wanting more cash, they had concocted a plan: Find some sucker, deal with him, plant a small amount of said narcotics on him, and claim they brought him down running, and that information was clearly erroneous on how much "material" the dealer had possessed. No one important would raise any eyebrows (they were busy with their own schemes) and life would go on. Except for Nolly. He was the chosen scapegoat, and dead men tell no tales.

No one heard the faint cries as the six pounded Nolly with clubs, their feet, and anything else they deemed appropriate. And no one would have listened even if they did. Nolly was as surprised as any of them when the cops let off, backing up to talk. He could hear their whispers.

"Well, we've gone too far to stop now." One of them said, and they turned back to him. Nolly wondered if his death would redeem him enough to get him into heaven, if there was such a place. Surely hell couldn't be any worse then Bludhaven.

"You know, just one unknown scumbag with this much juice? It does seem a tad hard to swallow. I kinda wish we had another body…" another said as they surrounded Nolly again.

"Looking for another target gentleman?"

The cops whirled to look at Erik, as he stood in the middle of the street.

"I volunteer." 

Sam was bored. He had been hogtied into helping them with this Bludhaven mess, but it had been a dull dull job. The only interesting thing that had happened was when a new tear seemed to be opening. But the computer had only registered it for a second, and seeing how nothing new seemed to be happening, Sam figured it had been a glitch. He sighed. _Bored bored bored…_

Sam's board lit up as it registered something. This time, it stayed.

"Finally!" Sam said, and he quickly punched a few buttons. After seeing the info, he began tapping more keys as he pulled out a phone.

"Phil, we've been monitoring the radio frequencies in Bludhaven. I think we have something. A group of police officers are…" 

"UNDER ATTACK! I REPEAT, WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!" one of the cops yelled. He had no idea what had happened. One second they had been beating up some guy they had picked to take the fall, and then some guy wearing black had dropped in and gone berserk on them. They'd used their clubs, but he'd barely seemed to feel the blows. A few punches and kicks later and they had retreated back to their squad cars, firing all the way. The dark man (was this the Nightwing they had heard of?) had followed like he was shot at all the time.

And unfortunately for the corrupt officer, his car was the closest. And he was all alone.

"Attack! Send…"

Erik's fist smashed through the window, grabbing the cop's jacket and yanking him back, slamming the top of his head into the roof. Stars spun in the cop's vision as he was dragged back, but he recovered enough sense to realize that he was still in the car to a small degree, and the door was…

"NO!"

Erik slammed the door on the cop's head as hard as he could. There was a grunt of pain and underneath it, a low cracking noise. The door bounced back from the force as the cop slumped sideways, a trickle of blood dripping from his nose.

Then Erik slammed the door again, this time on the bridge of said nose. The cracking was much louder this time, as the cop slumped over, his brain torn to shreds by pieces of his broken skull.

More bullets whined. Erik dodged them, counting the shots. As it came to six, he sprinted around the car and ran at the second of the three there was. Two more cops were there, and the one with ammo opened fire as the other one frantically grabbed for a speed loader. Erik dodged the shots, his computer giving him the trajectory of the bullets and moving him away long before they could hit him.

The cop popped the speed loader in.

Erik closed the distance.

He snapped the barrel shut.

Just three feet.

He aimed and…

…Erik grabbed his arm and yanked it up, twisted it so the gun was directly under the cop's chin. The cop's eyes widened as his finger completed the command he had just sent, squeezing the trigger. As most of the cop's head exploded out the top of his skull, Erik was already dropping the body. He spun towards the other cop as he tried to get off a point blank shot.

Erik spun his arm upward as his claws snapped out, and just as the cop was shooting, brought his claws down as hard as he could.

The officer looked stunned.

His gun split into three pieces.

And then he did.

As the horizontally trisected corpse fell, the bone structure proving nothing to Erik's incredible strength and laser-sharpened talons, Erik ducked under the car as more shots flew his way. The last three had seen how Erik had dealt with their fellows and had abandoned controlled shooting for wild bursts of desperate fear. Three more…

"Three little piggies, to make a piggy pie…" Erik sang to himself, loud enough for the cops to hear.

The shots wavered. They needed to reload.

"There's nothing like the sound when you hear a piggy die!" Erik yelled , as he hopped over the car and charged. He aimed for the closest cop, who was standing next to the front of the car.

Guns reloaded, as Erik suddenly dove and flipped, propelling himself into the air.

The cop fired. Missed.

And Erik came down on the hood of the car, his hand punching through the metal roof and digging deep into the guts of the vehicle. The cops aimed…

And Erik yanked the car battery free, flipping up and away from the shows. His fingers contracted on the car part, punching holes in it.

He landed next to his chosen target. Stunned, he tried to turn.

And Erik whipped the battery out, sending the acid used in the mechanism spraying out in an arc. It splattered across the cop's face. Sizzling filled the air as he dropped the gun and screamed, his face melting off. 

His fellow had gone for the shotgun inside the car. As a horrid stench filled the air as his partner stumbled around in agony, he brought the larger weapon up and aimed at the dark man standing on the other end of the car.

Erik stepped in front of the acid-burned cop as the other one fired. Had the cop still had eyes, he would have tried to move, but he didn't and hence took the shot full in the chest, mercifully ending his torment. Erik ducked before the cop could get off another shot. His eyes scanned the ground, looking at the cop's feet on the other end of the car.

"I might use a gun…" Erik whispered, and then got a better idea. He set his legs for leverage, grabbed underneath the car, and yanked/shoved with all his might.

The cop gasped as the car tipped up and tried to retreat.

Too late.

The cop screamed as his car was flipped over and onto him, two tons of metal rolling onto his legs and smashing them to pulp. He fell, the car now upside down and on top of him. In the process, he'd lost the shotgun. All he could do was scream.

Erik calmly walked around the car, looking at the ruined officer. His face filled with disgust.

"I might use a car." Erik finished, and kicked the cop in the head, breaking his neck. Five down, where was the last one?

"Don't move!"

Erik heard the hammer cocking behind him and turned. The officer was standing fifteen feet away from him. Smart. He'd used the time Erik had spent killing the other two to put some distance and get a bead on him.

"Hands up!" the officer screamed, quite clearly maddened by what he had witnessed. Erik smirked, knowing just what would happen when he did.

He raised his hands anyway.

"I surrender." 

And activated the magnet in his metal hand. The cop squawked as the gun flew from his fingers and into Erik's. In one second, the situation was reversed.

"You people who wear the uniform have a responsibility. You are to protect and serve the people. You have failed. You have abused your power, used it to harm rather then help. People like you sicken me. Six police and not one Pure soul amongst you? This only strengthens my resolve. This town must be cleansed of all people like you. So officer, you have the right to remain silent…"

Erik fired five times. The first two were precise shots through clumps of nerves in the arms, completely disabling the limbs. The next two were aimed at the legs for the same result. The last one blew off the officer's testicles. The pain hit in such a wave the man's ability to scream was literally shorted out.

He swayed there for a second.

"Forever." Erik finished, and blew the officer's head off with the last shot. The body flew back and collapsed, as Erik tossed the gun aside.

"Vengeance is in town, you'd better…"

And then Erik went silent. He was still being watched. He glanced over to where Nolly had been, but he had long since fled. The street was quiet. It was just him and the corpses. But if Erik actually believed himself to be alone, he had a bridge he could sell you…

Blades flashed out of the darkness. Erik leapt away as five razor-sharp daggers embedded in the ground where he had just been standing. He twisted in mid-air…

And then a lady in red swung out of the darkness behind Erik and clubbed him with a powerful blow, using the ball shaped bludgeon she held to maximum efficiency. Erik grunted as his flight up was changed into a plunge down and tried to adapt accordingly…

Which he never got a chance to, as a huge man stepped out of the shadows and swung out of his arm, smashing Erik like a baseball through the air. He flew across the street and went crashing through a pile of trash cans.

The lady in red landed delicately next to the huge man. Up close, it was revealed that red didn't make up all of her costume. However, the blue material with the emblem of the British flag and the gold markings on her torso armor couldn't make up for the deep, menacing crimson color of the armor that covered her shins, arms, torso, and mask. There were even a few sections on her ponytail. Several sheaths on said armor had knives in them, along with the spear and club she held.

The huge man had no weapons other then his fists and muscles, and he preferred darker colors. He wore dark cowboy boots, jeans that were tied with several belts all knotted together at the waist, gloves, and an armored vest plate that had a picture of a horse of it. The only thing on him that wasn't dark was the bandanna he wore under his cowboy hat, His features were wide and blunt: a true bruiser.

A few seconds later the knife-thrower joined the duo. He wore the darkest outfit of all, a leather costume that covered every part of him except his fingers (although with the sickly yellow color the digits were, maybe that was for the best). Even the mouth of his mask was stitched shut, and yellow eyepieces concealed his eyes. He was the most heavily armed of all, as it seemed he had daggers strapped everywhere. Along with long bandoleers of daggers attached to his arms and legs, he had daggers attacked to his shins, thighs, forearms, shoulders, and even some on his mask, on either side of his ear.

"Thought you never missed, Brutale." The large man chuckled at their recent companion.

"Shut up Stallion." Brutale countered.

"He has a point Brutale. Had it not been for me, he might very well have been fleeing." The lady in red said.

"Don't patronize me, Lady Vic! You aren't in charge here. Wait, he's waking up." Brutale said as the trash cans began to move. He looked at the mess Erik had wrought. "My god, this man is a lunatic."

"Don't mean nothing to me. Money's money, and any chance to pound someone is fun." Stallion said, cracking his knuckles.

"Don't underestimate him Stallion." Lady Vic, as Erik pushed the garbage off of himself and stood up. He glared at the three people across the street from him. _Well well, looks like I got Blockbuster's attention after all. Now to keep it._

For a moment the four stared at each other, as Erik analyzed everything he could see and had…experienced and instantly formulated a battle strategy.

Stallion couldn't believe it. The guy was smiling.

"Odd…" Erik said, as he wiped away a trickle of blood from his mouth. "I don't recall anyone playing "Send In The Clowns."

Stallion blinked, then realized he'd been insulted.

"THAT'S IT! I GET HIM FIRST!" Stallion roared, and charged.

"Wait you idiot! Don't…argh!" Brutale growled, and pulled out more daggers.

Erik stood there, calmly, waiting, as Stallion closed in and Brutale cocked back his arm…

And then he leapt, moving sideways and kicking Stallion just as he was about to grab him. Stallion stumbled sideways a step…

And Brutale's daggers, meant for Erik, all plunged into one of his massive legs.

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Stallion roared. "BRUTALE, YOU MORON!"

Brutale didn't get a chance to reply, as Erik was now charging at him. He pulled out more daggers and…

Erik leapt over him, kicking him in the back of the head. Brutale nearly got impaled on his own weapons as he fell face first into the street.

Lady Vic's eyes widened behind her mask as she now realized she was the intended target. She raised her weapons and…

"Ladies first!" Erik snapped as he slashed out with his talons. While it missed her spear-like weapon, her club weapon (Erik believed the weapons were called an Asegai and a Knobkerry, from the Zulu tribes in Africa. Maybe) was sliced to bits, not to mention a good part of the armor on her hand. She grunted and stabbed at Erik, who dodged aside and kicked her in the side. She whirled with the blow and lashed out with her own kick, driving it into Erik's gut. Erik flipped backwards and rolled away from the stabbing blows that followed.

"That…was…my grandfather's!" Lady Vic cursed as she tried to punch a rising Erik. Erik dodged aside and kicked her remaining weapon (That was the Asegai. Or maybe THAT was the Knobkerry. Eh, no matter, they were both gone) out of her hand, then whirled and side kicked her in the sternum. Lady Vic crouched and pulled twin hand-held triangular blades out of her boots and swiped at Erik, drawing a line of blood across his chest. Erik countered with a right hook, cracking Lady Vic's mask and sending her stumbling backwards.

Erik snapped his talons out as Lady Vic slashed at him again.

His upward slash shattered her blades and dug several deeps gashes all along her side, the tips of her blades cutting one of the supports of her mask and nearly slicing her ear off. Staggered, she fell prey to several punches and a knee blow. _So strong…_

"I'm as enlightened as any man…" Erik said as he whirled, "BUT GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, BITCH!"

The thrusting back kick caught her full in the chest, knocking her right off her feet. As her vision whirled and threatened to go black, Erik turned back to Brutale, who had finally recovered.

More daggers flew at him. Erik leapt away as they hit the ground, one of them nearly hitting the injured Lady Vic. Erik hit the ground in a roll and dodged more daggers.

"Dammit! Stand still!" Brutale cursed as he fired off more and more blades. The closest he got was a glancing blow along Erik's calf.

Then Erik was in front of him, and with unbelievable speed, his hands shot out and grabbed Brutale's arms.

"Let's see you toss those with both your arms broken!"

And Erik did just that, snapping one bone clear in half and virtually crushing the other. Brutale screamed before Erik head butted him, his mask providing no protection. Brutale staggered back as Erik lead go of him, and then he spun and smashed Brutale with a heel roundhouse kick. Brutale spun through the air and landed face first on the ground, groaning.

Calmly, Erik walked over to Stallion, who had finally managed to pull the last of Brutale's daggers out of his leg. He growled at Erik's contemptuous smirk.

"Gonna rip you…!" Stallion yelled as he lunged, but Erik leapt over him again. Stallion felt his head get lighter and realized he had lost his hat. He turned. No, he hadn't lost it. Erik had swiped it as he flipped over him, and was now wearing it.

That was all Stallion got to observe as Erik let him have it full in the face with a metal punch. Stars exploded on his vision.

And then Erik cut loose, hammering Stallion with a combination of kicks and punches from several martial arts styles. His reflexes dulled from the first blow, Stallion couldn't defend against it and was smashed around like a rag doll. 

The blows finally stopped, and Stallion was left swaying on his feet, looking at the punk who had beaten him up while wearing his hat. _How can he…be so damn…strong…_

Erik took the hat off and placed it back on Stallion's head.

"Yippe-ki-yae, cowboy."

And Erik leapt, bringing both his feet up and smashing them under Stallion's chin. Stallion flew backwards in a flip and landed in the same garbage cans he had thrown Erik into not five minutes ago. He groaned and finally passed out.

Erik landed and brushed himself off.

"You really need to hire better help Blockbuster."

Grabbing Stallion's meaty leg, Erik dragged him out of the trash and back into the street. He passed by Brutale, who was trying to get up.

"Are you still moving?"

Erik stomped on his head. That stopped the movement. He dumped Stallion and tossed Brutale on top of him, and then headed for Lady Vic.

Lady Vic had had better luck, but she was still on her knees. Her mask, cut and broken, finally gave up the ghost and fell off her face as Erik approached her. Underneath was a lovely young blonde.

"Ohhh, aren't you pretty?" Erik said, and kicked her in the face, feeling satisfied as he felt bone break. "Not so pretty now."

Erik dumped Lady Vic's unconscious form on top of her two companions and stared at them for a moment, trying to figure out what to do.

And then the phone rang. Erik's eyebrows arched, and he swiftly located the phone clipped to Lady Vic's leg.

"Desmond here. Have you successfully exterminated our pest problem yet, Lady Vic? Lady Vic?…Hello?"

"Hello Blockbuster." Erik said in a cool whisper. There was silence at the other end of the line.

"Who is this?" Blockbuster finally said.

"You forget after the beating I gave you? Wait, he did say something about a new memory…very well Blockbuster, let me remind you. My name is Vengeance. Your assassins are dead. And soon, you will be too."

"Do you have any idea whom you speak to, child!" Blockbuster roared over the phone.

"Do you?" Erik replied. "You have no idea what you face Blockbuster. But you will. Until then, you'd better learn to fear me, because your empire is going into the abyss. See you soon." Erik chuckled, and crushed the phone, cutting off Blockbuster's angry reply. He let the wreckage sift through his fingers as he tried to figure out what he was going to do with the assassins.

His eyes strayed to a nearby closed garage, and inspiration struck.

A few minutes later, Erik walked out with a container of gasoline. He opened it as he reached the piles of bodies again.

"Tempo…_Oh, I'm stuck in the middle with you…"_ Erik sang, and splashed gasoline on the three assassins. He danced a bit and splashed some more. _"And I can't get you out of my head…"_ More dancing, more gasoline. _"Stuck in the middle with you…"_

He was out of gas. He tossed the container aside. Should he wait for them to wake up? No, too much trouble. Besides, they would wake up soon enough. He pulled out the matchbook he had swiped from the same garage and struck one.

"MMMMM, barbeque!"

And then his match went out as a strand of something wet and sticky came shooting out of the rooftop shadows and extinguished it. Erik stared incredulously at this new happening before a new strand shot out and swiped the matchbook.

"HEY!" Erik yelled, breaking the strands off his hands. He detected movement going over him, and then he knew he wasn't alone again. Slowly, he turned around as the figure lowered itself down in front of him, upside down. He was dressed in a costume that most would consider garish, with an odd combination of red and blue, with black designs across his arms and torso. A mask covered his face, with white, teardrop shaped openings. He was currently suspended from a convenient lamppost by a strand of the odd substance that had extinguished Erik's match.

As if things couldn't get any stranger. "And just who the devil are you?"

"Just your friendly neighborhood Spiderman." Releasing the web strand, Spiderman fell to the ground, bending his knees to absorb the impact. He held up the matchbook. "And you really shouldn't be tossing these things around like that. I mean, you could hurt somebody."

"That was the idea." Erik retorted, and concentrated. Once again, this one was Pure, but... he was oddly familiar. _And why do good people keep trying to mess up my mission?_

Spiderman shot a pair of web lines at Erik. "Didn't your mother ever teach you not to play with matches?" 

Growling, Erik ripped apart the webbing. "What was that supposed to do?"

Spiderman cursed. He muttered under his breath, "That never really worked for Parker either..." The two stood, each waiting for the other to make the first move.

(To those of you who think this out of character for Spiderman, how right you are. It is, in fact, Phil! Yes, True Believers, out semi-heroic Saiyan superhero has come up with a new plan to deal with this Villainous Vigilante! (Co-Author's Note: Villainous Vigilante? Erik is an anti-hero! Then again, that doesn't sound as good) By suppressing the great strength of his Chi, he hopes that he can confuse Erik sufficiently to gain the upper hand. He has opted to take on the guise of Spiderman because, hey, what are the odds of running into the real deal in a DC Comic universe?

However, there was another aspect to his plan. It had occurred to Phil when he had read over Erik's dossier in detail. The idea had been triggered when the report said that marriage had really calmed him down. Phil had initially been reluctant to believe this, having seen what Erik was capable of. However, if that was true, that meant that the following equation was true: Marriage=Calm Erik. Therefore, No Marriage=Enraged Erik. And then there was the corollary: Enraged Erik= Erik that isn't using cybernetic tricks. Phil couldn't exactly annul the marriage, but there was another way to attack it.)

Phil interrupted the stalemate. "Yo, tall, dark and vengeful! What's round, made of metal and has a stone on it?"

Erik looked confused. "What?"

With a single, smooth motion, Phil shot out a line of webbing. He had instructed the symbiote to make it thin, so it only attached itself to a small band on Erik's fourth finger. Phil jerked back on the web line. "Yoink! The answer is: your wedding ring!" Phil slid it onto his right hand. "Hmmm. What kind of rock is this? Diamond?"

Erik's biological eye widened for a moment, due to the shock. Then, something in his head clicked. Gone was the calm, collected, intelligent murderer. In his place was a wild animal that only wanted blood. (Not much of a difference, is there?)

"You give that back right now!" Without any thought to style or technique, Erik rushed forward, metal talons shining in the dim light. 

Almost casually, Phil leapt over the attack. Erik went straight through a brick wall. Phil didn't seem to notice. He landed on a nearby wall, acting as if he cared more about the wedding ring. "Nope, looks like cubic zirconium. Tsk tsk. I'd have thought that you could afford better."

Erik charged back out of the building he had just made a new wall for, his hands flaming with barely contained crimson energy. "Burning Misery!" The duo of red energy beams slashed through the air, blasting a gigantic hole in the wall.

Unfortunately for Erik, Phil was already webbing away. "Then again, we super types never did have too much to live on, and the recent economic downturn has really hurt us all."

"Burning Misery!" Phil leapt up, letting the attack pass through his legs.

"Miss."

"Piercing Strike!" This time, a smaller ball of energy flew out. Phil pulled what is commonly known as a "Matrix," as the energy attack singed his symbiote slightly. 

"Missed again. Maybe you should consider another hobby. You aren't very good at this."

Erik's talons were consumed with the same red energy. "Piercing Strike!"

Phil performed a back flip over the attack and continued his running commentary. "I mean, no offense, but you aren't even on par with the Shocker, and that's saying something. At least he manages to connect occasionally."

"Give me back my precious!" Erik managed to get out before Phil cut him off with a glob of webbing to the face.

"What are you, Gollum?" Phil smirked.

Erik tore the webbing off his face and leapt forward, attempting to slice "Spidey" in two. Phil didn't oblige. He moved as if Erik was in slow-motion, leaping up, landing in the middle of Erik's back and then pushing down. He sprang away, while Erik was smashed face first into the concrete. 

Phil said, "Well, sir, would you like something to go with your cement? May I suggest the impact webbing?" Phil pressed a button on one of the silver wristbands on his wrists. It sent out a few gray spheres the size of ping pong balls. When they hit the still recovering Erik, they instantly expanded outwards, encasing Erik in a cocoon of webbing.

Phil clapped his hands together, as if to remove dirt. "And that's that. That's a nice little toy, there. I salute you, Scarlet Spider."

Then, there was a bright flash of red energy. When Phil could stand to look again, Erik stood there, a bright crimson aura now surrounding him ala the Z Warriors, or Phil. He pointed his hands at Phil.

"FEAR'S VOID!" 

The gigantic ball of energy flew straight towards Phil. The ersatz Spiderman leapt to the left, barely managing to avoid the attack. It burned into the side of a decrepit apartment building, vaporizing the bottom two floors. The building leaned dangerously on its damaged side. 

Phil's eyes were as wide as saucers under his mask. "Mama mia! That's a spicy meat-a ball!" He leapt forward, attempting to catch Erik in the face with both of his feet. In mid flight, Phil felt his danger sense go off. It wasn't quite a Spider Sense, but rather a combination of the Force and his Chi senses. Whatever it was, it told him that he had goofed.

Erik, still in his rage mode, lashed out, grabbing Phil's right hand. He cried out as he felt a few bones crack. Then, as suddenly as the crushing sensation had begun, it ended, and Phil was thrown into a brick wall. Phil was unable to move for a moment, and expected Erik to capitalize on his weakness. The predicted attack never came. As Phil rose to his feet, he saw why. Erik was placing the ring back on his finger, checking it for damage.

Erik, satisfied that his precious ring was intact, glared hatefully at Phil. "Look Bug-Boy, or whatever you call yourself, you may be pure of heart, but for that stunt, you WILL suffer! Nobody does that to me! And for your information, wedding bands don't even HAVE a stone! That's the engagement ring!"

Phil waved Erik off, as if he was inconsequential. "Look, I'm sure your boyfriend could buy you a new one."

Erik lost what little composure he had regained. Phil swiftly clambered up the wall. He was surprised when Erik came bounding up behind him in hot pursuit, using his claws and any handholds he could find or create to make his way up the incline.

"What the?" Phil reached the edge of the roof, and used a handstand to flip into a squatting position. From there, he sprung off to the other side of the roof. 

Erik wasn't into finesse at this point. He used a nameless energy attack to slash through an entire section of the roof, then leapt up, coming down with a loud thud. Phil was amazed he wasn't frothing at the mouth.

"Y'know, I could sue you for copyright infringement. I mean, I'm supposed to be the wall crawler here." 

Erik only snarled. While he wasn't foaming like a rabid dog, he certainly sounded like one.

Phil put up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. "Look, I'm sorry if I offended you. I didn't realize that you and your "life partner" were in such bad economic straights." Phil ended up leaping over another energy bolt. "Tough crowd." 

Erik charged forward. Phil decided that instead of dodging, he would use Erik's momentum against him. With a grunt of effort, he grabbed the charging vigilante and tossed him over the roof. Phil panted. He wasn't used to using this kind of effort without Chi! Even if his symbiote was doing most of the work. Phil heard a crackling in his ear, and Ralph's voice filled his earpiece.

"How's it going?"

"Oh, I just tossed him off the roof."

"WHAT? Phil, might I point out he can't fly, and tossing people off buildings is usually kinda fatal."

"Relax Ralph. He has a million tricks. He'll come back up." Phil said. And waited.

And waited.

"He certainly is taking a long time to come back up. Are you sure he hadn't gone splat?" Ralph said.

"Yes! No! I…damn!" Phil cursed, and ran to the end of the roof, peering down.

And then Erik swooped up, but not in the way Phil had expected. He yelled as Erik literally flew up, and took a few steps back, his eyes widening behind the mask.

Erik was crouching on a…(no way, he couldn't…but he had a…) _glider_. The black metal device, looking like a giant metallic bat was about seven feet long. Erik stood on it, a bit unsteady, but he appeared to know what he was doing.

"Surprised? You see, I was expecting someone who could fly. So I had my friends sent this little device they had given me as a gift, a little evening of the odds. But after that little debacle we just went through, I figured it would be useful now as well." Erik said.

"You stole the Green Goblin's glider!" Phil said.

"I stole the WHAT from the WHO?" Erik said, looking genuinely confused. Phil resisted the urge to hit himself. Well, this didn't matter, as the glider appear to have no weapons and…

"Perhaps you don't know what this means to me…" Erik said, as he lifted his hand with his wedding band. "This was given to me by a woman who is my life, my heart, my soul, the light that fills my darkness. No one steals it, AND NO ONE MOCKS HER. You are Pure, hence I won't kill you, but for what you did…you are going to rue waking up this morning! HAVE AT YOU!" Erik snapped, and blasted at Phil. Phil shot a strand of webbing and gaped as Erik impossibly reversed direction and blasted away from it, although it looked like he nearly fell off in the process. _He doesn't know how to use the glider. I'd better take him out before he does!_ Phil thought.

Phil leapt into the air, fired a pair of weblines, and swung towards Erik in a wide arc. "Y'know, this whole glider thing is getting kinda monotonous." He swung over Erik, barely missing him as he ducked down. The dark vigilante once again struggled to maintain his balance. "I mean, first the Green Goblin, then the Hobgoblin, Jack O' Lantern, Demogoblin... it's been done, buddy!" Phil released the strings of webbing and somersaulted through the air, landing and sticking to a wall. 

Erik ignored Phil's banter. He thrust his hands at Phil. "Smoldering Blood!"

Phil released his hold on the wall, dropping out of the way before the bolt of crimson energy could vaporize him. The fact that he was currently five stories up didn't worry him too much; Phil simply whipped out another webline and got out of the way of the falling debris. "OK, now I'll admit THAT'S new."

However, Erik wasn't standing still. While Phil was in mid-swing, Erik swooped down, barreling into the ersatz webhead. Taken by surprise by the attack, Phil let go of his webline and fell. 

Erik managed to steady himself. For an instant, he wondered if he should attempt to help his falling foe; after all, this "Bug-Boy" or whatever was strong and fast, but didn't look overly invulnerable. And he didn't want a being as pure as this one to die on his account.

After all, that would be far too easy.

Phil managed to shake the cobwebs from his head in mid fall. At about twenty feet from the ground, he landed feet first on a flagpole that jutted from the side of a building, bending his legs to absorb the impact. It bent dangerously downward under the strain. Taking advantage of the makeshift springboard, Phil leapt as it snapped back upwards, catapulting him towards Erik. The man on the glider barely managed to back out of Phil's reach. 

However, Phil proved that he didn't need to be in arm's reach to hurt Erik. He pressed down on a pair of triggers on his wrist mounted bracelets. Instead of more impact webbing, a small spray of tiny needles flew out. The barrage from Phil's left arm missed altogether, but most of the missiles from his right wrist slashed into Erik's left arm. He grunted in pain as they were embedded in his flesh. "Argh! What the hell?"

Phil smirked under his mask. This was fun! "Stingers. Another patented Scarlet Spider toy. You know, you give us superheroes a really bad name." Continuing the arc of his swing, Phil managed to keep pace with Erik. "I remember back in the good old days when the heroes believed in a little something called the judicial system." Phil ducked under a punch and continued his monologue. "I mean, that IS why my tax dollars go to the courts. Something to think about." 

Erik snarled in reply, "The courts are often worse than those they judge."

"My, aren't you cranky today." As Phil's momentum began to fade, his symbiote sent another line of biological webbing towards Erik. He glided backwards, but nearly fell off of the glider doing so. Shifting his weight forward to regain his balance, Erik growled.

"Fool! You've tried that already! I can rip through this stuff like paper!"

Phil's smirk intensified. "Who said I was aiming for you? Cool off, buddy." Yanking with the proportionate strength of a spider, Phil cut one of the supports out from under a nearby water tank. The large structure of wood and metal fell on its side, expelling its contents upon Erik. Under the weight, the glider struggled to keep Erik airborne. Phil took advantage of his opponent's temporary immobility by tackling him. 

However, as the downpour continued, a change came over Phil as he entered its watery confines. He became about six inches shorter, and his hair went from short and brown to long and a medium shade of blue. His skeletal structure shifted significantly, and Phil's chest and hips widened at the expense of his waist. In short, Phil went from a he to a she.

Phil cursed. She had forgotten about her Jusenkyo curse. Activated by cold water, it temporarily reshaped her the form that Io had worn during the Silver Millennium. She released Erik and landed on a nearby lamppost. 

Erik didn't notice, however. He was more concerned with the fact that he was plummeting towards the ground. "GLIDER!" The glider swiftly responded, changing its angle to catch its user. It wasn't the cleanest of escapes; Erik let out a loud "whuff" as the air was knocked from his lungs. 

Phil wasn't about to give him a chance to recover. Curse or no curse, she wasn't going to let him win this time. She sprang forward, landing upon the glider's rear portion. By this time, Erik was on his feet. He felt a bump as the weight load on the glider increased by fifty percent and looked back. Phil extended a portion of the symbiote from her hands across his eyes. "Guess who, big boy!"

Erik was temporarily taken aback by the change in attacker. However, his fighting instincts kicked in and he elbowed her in the gut. "Sorry, I've never been into games." As she fell toward the ground, Phil barely had time to touch a wall. With a hard jolt, her progress was halted.

Erik looked at his new assailant. This one was also pure, and familiar. In fact, so familiar... a smirk crossed his lips, even as his mind roiled in confusion. _Now it's a female? WTF? Oh, I'll just roll with it._ "Y'know Bugman, er woman, um, whatever, implants aren't healthy if it's more than one cup size larger."

Now it was Phil's turn to imitate a mad dog. With a feral snarl (which, since it was with Io's vocal chords, sounded more cute than intimidating), she leapt straight at Erik. 

"Up." She passed just under the rising glider. "This is very... intriguing. So, how long have you been a transsexual?"

Phil heard a buzzing in her ear. Ralph's voice said, "Phil, don't give in to the rage!"

Arthur said, "I must agree, Squire. Thy curse is annoying, but thou must not allow this vile cur to use it to his advantage."

Phil came to a stop on a rooftop. "Where the hell did he go?" Phil's "Spider Sense" went wild, and she barely managed to duck under Erik's next swoop. "Damnit! He's starting to get the hang of that thing."

Erik shook his head, lazily flying in a circle around Phil. "So, fem-boy, just how hard is it to balance with those things?"

Phil quipped back, "Well, it isn't the easiest thing in the world, but there are fringe benefits. I mean, your wife sure seemed to enjoy playing with them last night."

Erik lost his temper again. "WRONG ANSWER, BITCH! INSANITY LIGHT!" A slightly larger bolt of black energy flashed down. Phil barely managed to get off of the rooftop before the blast exploded. The building burst into flames, and it began to bend as the heat warped its metal supports.

Phil touched her earpiece. "Ralph! Is there anyone in that thing?"

"Negative. Erik wouldn't have launched it if there had been. According to my records, it was condemned."

Phil muttered, "Mighty convenient, that." _Sure are a lot of condemned buildings in this city. Well, it's an old town._ As Phil swung from another line of webbing, Erik swooped down again.

"This time, you cocksucking bitch, YOU'RE STAYING DOWN!" Erik's talons popped from their cases, and he began to zip around Phil, slashing and hacking at the neo-female. She barely managed to avoid having a major limb hacked off. She was forced to the ground as her webline was sliced in two. 

During one of Erik's assaults, she surprised him by leaping straight for him. He instinctively ducked, and was curious when she didn't attempt to punch him. 

Then, from the tail end of the batlike glider, smoke began to be coughed out. As forward momentum halted, Erik shot out a grappling hook, and the glider clattered to the street below. "What the..." Then, he noticed the sticky substance that had coated the exhaust port. Then Phil was on him, fists lashing out. Although the blows were nothing compared to even the weakest of Z Fighters, it was enough to send Erik stumbling backwards. Phil didn't notice him pushing a small button on his right arm as he weathered the storm of blows.

After a nasty uppercut, Erik lay on the ground. Phil stood over him, her blue hair flapping in the previously nonexistent breeze. "Now, for the last fucking time, YOU ARE UNDER AR... OUCH!" The glider swooped down, catching Phil in the back of the head. Erik leapt back on it.

Erik smirked in a predatory manner. "Your webbing is flammable. It was just a manner of turning up the heat with my Slave Circuit. Now, I wonder if you're flammable too?" His right arm began to shift, returning to its flamethrower configuration.

Phil's symbiote noticed this immediately. It had two weaknesses: fire, and high frequency sound. Survival had always meant being able to tell what produced either harmful byproduct, and all of its animal instinct screamed for it to RUN. Seizing control of its liquid form, it forced Phil away from the man with the fire. Phil cried out, "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"

In a voice that was more mental images than words, the symbiote said, "FIRE! Fire bad! Need run!"

"No you don't! We can make it!"

Erik didn't hear her conversation. What he did see was that she was attempting to retreat. "Not likely, bitch. CRIMSON RAIN!"

About eight blasts zapped out of Erik's hands, but they flew not at Phil, but at a wall above her. As brick and metal was blasted from its normal place, gravity took control. Phil and the symbiote were both forced to release their webline as they were pelted by debris, and fell to the ground with a loud thump. A second later, she was buried in rubble.

Erik circled above a few times, and, sensing that Phil would survive, flew away. After all, he had bigger fish to fry.

When Erik was out of eyeshot, the pile of debris exploded in a flash of golden flame. Her hair had shifted to a bright yellow, and her eyes from brown to turquoise. Using a bit of telekinesis and Chi, she heated up some of the water that was lying in a puddle at her feet and dumped it upon herself, thus returning to her proper gender. He shifted out of the Super Saiyan state, and collapsed to the ground. He panted. Releasing his Chi reserves had allowed him to recover from some of his exhaustion, but the numerous injuries from his fight and fall caught up with him. His arm protesting the entire time, he reached back into his pocket and grabbed a Senzu bean. Phil's Chi flared to life around him, although he didn't go Super again. "That is it! No more mister nice Saiyan!" With a bright flash of light and a bang, he was flying in the direction he had seen Erik take at mach five.

Elsewhere...

Blockbuster sighed. _This is the part of the job I hate the most. _Although most wouldn't see Mr. Desmond's job as the local crime lord as a business, at this stage of the game there was little difference between himself and the CEO of a large company. He certainly made as much, and had the satisfaction of knowing that he didn't answer to anyone.

At least, there wasn't anybody officially over his head. However, just like any real CEO, he had to deal with the "shareholders." In reality, they were his underbosses. They controlled small cells of his organization; he still dictated policy, but they handled the day to day operations of his empire. They really had no power individually, but if they could all agree on something (it didn't happen very often), they did have enough leverage to force his hand. He usually kept this agreement to a bare minimum by playing them off against each other. However, right now they had managed to reach a consensus: Blockbuster was incapable of dealing with this new threat. 

As Blockbuster saw it, there were two ways to go about it; lie to them as to the nature of the problem and hope he could deal with it before they found out. The pro were that it would give him the time he needed to deal with this "Vengeance." The con was that if they did find out, he would look even weaker than he would have otherwise. So, he had gone with honesty; tell them exactly what had happened. This would reveal his weakness, but he would control exactly what they saw and heard. Also, it would allow them to prepare their people as much as they could for the coming onslaught. 

In a nasal voice, a short, weasel like man whined, "Now Mr. Desmond, are we to understand that even your best agents were unable to deal with the new threat and are, in fact, crippled or worse?"

Blockbuster frowned slightly. _The sharks smell blood. _Mr. Franklin, as the tiny man was called, had risen to control over the Fifth street section of his empire. To this day, he had no idea how Franklin had reached his position. Unlike most of the underbosses, he lacked either strength or any real charisma. In a way, that made him the biggest threat to his power; because he was the kind that didn't often lead, people tended to underestimate the tiny man. Also, although he was annoying, he was quite good at steering people to reach the conclusions he wanted them to reach, and they would be convinced that they had had the idea on their own. Blockbuster held back an arrogant smirk. _Is the little insect finally making his move?_

"And now, some maniac is ripping through our gangs, primarily because our organization is only loosely united. I propose that the time for a new, strong leader is now!" There were general murmurs of approval. 

Blockbuster sat at his reinforced chair and steepled his fingers. "I see. So, I'm too weak to lead, am I? Do you want Mr. Franklin here as your overboss?" Suddenly, all murmuring stopped. Desmond smirked. None of the fools had gotten any inkling that the tiny man had been leading them towards the only "logical" solution: turning control over to Franklin. As there was no response, Blockbuster walked behind Franklin. "Now then, Mr. Franklin. I believe I've cut away any support for your little coup d'état." Grabbing him by the throat, Blockbuster picked him up and spun him around so that they were eye to eye. "You see, your mistake was attempting to outsmart a man who sold his soul to the devil for intelligence. You assumed that I would knuckle under because of the current threat. Well, my friend, you were wrong. DEAD WRONG!"

Blockbuster was about to snap the little bastard's neck when there was a tapping at the window behind him. This was followed by the sound of breaking glass. Blockbuster spun about to see a dark figure riding atop a batlike glider. He was vaguely familiar; Blockbuster felt a distinct feeling of deja vu. 

The figure floated there, his vehicle seeming to ignore the Law of Gravity. "Hello, Blockbuster. Ready for round two?"

The voice... it clicked. "Vengeance!"

"My, on your first try to." responded Erik dryly. "Let's see... you deserve some kind of prize... I know! Seeing the current economic crisis, I'll help you out by streamlining your management!" Before Blockbuster could respond, Erik had blasted in. Desmond found his face on the receiving end of the glider's battering ram like end, and was sent through a nearby wall.

Several of the underbosses unholstered their firearms. Others fled for the door. Erik leapt into the air, his talons leaving their housings. He landed in front of the entrance before any escaped. "I think you have been in your positions too long. I suggest we impose some serious term limitations." He stabbed a man in the chest, eliminating both lungs with one attack. The man fell with a gurgle of blood. "All in favor... SAY DIE!" Erik was airborne once again, even as a few rounds of ammunition filled the air where he had been a moment before. A few rounds impacted those who had fled, but their deaths went unnoticed.

A man dressed in an expensive Italian suit was the next to go down, as his head and body parted ways. Next came a middle aged woman who was dressed in a dress that would have been more flattering on her before the ravages of age. She found out the hard way that one needed a jugular vein to live. 

Two men opened fire at Erik from near the window he had just flown it. Erik barreled at them, totally ignoring the gunfire. He grabbed them, one in each arm, and kept going, flying back out the broken window.

"Hope you had a lousy summer, because you're GONNA HAVE A GREAT FALL!" Erik yelled, and let go. As the men screamed at the horrors of gravity, Erik did a tight 180 degree turn and flew back into the room, this time upside down. He reached another man firing at him and punched, his fist going right through the man's chest and exploding out his back. Erik turned the right way back up and removed the body from his arm like it was a fleck of lint.

Franklin sat in the corner, whimpering, as his remaining associates were cut down one by one. Finally, Vengeance turned his attention to him.

Franklin was clawing at the wall as if he could dig his way out. "Please! Don't hurt me! I'll give you anything! Anything at all!"

Erik, with a look of disdain evident on his face, stared at the terrified little man. _Eh, why not? He deserves it._

"Hmmmph. You are all alike. You thing that you can do whatever you please, inflicting your horrors upon humanity. Drugs, prostitution, selling guns to kids... all for your own benefit. The little boy who can't get enough Heroin finances your new Mercedes. The teen who wants to shoot up the bullies that torment him buys your new TV. And because you end lives for your possessions, you become convinced that those possessions are of equal value with a life. Do you know how much I've been offered in my career?" 

As his voice rose in volume, a katana seemed to melt from his right arm, as various cybernetic parts fashioned it from items already in storage. 

"DO YOU? WELL, I'VE NEVER BEEN SWAYED BY BLOOD MONEY BEFORE, AND DAMNED IF I START NOW!" 

With that, Mr. Franklin found the katana stuck in his chest up to the hilt. He attempted to move, but it became obvious that he was pinned to the wall by the weapon. Erik grinned as he twisted the blade. He released the hilt of the sword, and left the man to die.

By this time, Blockbuster had regained his feet. "YOU! THIS TIME, YOU DIE!"

Before Erik could respond, a sonic boom shook the room, knocking Blockbuster from his feet again. Phil blurred into existence in front of Erik and punched him out of the window.

Erik called out, "GLIDER!" The metal vehicle responded, maneuvering itself underneath the falling vigilante. 

Erik halted the glider, looking at Phil in extreme annoyance. "You again! First Bug Man Woman, or whatever it was, now you! You two in cahoots or something?"

"It doesn't matter. Because this time for sure, you are…!"

Erik put his hands together and fired a blast at Phil. Phil dodged it, only to have it come around and nearly hit him in the back. While he was distracted, Erik flew over to the shattered window where Roland Desmond/Blockbuster, his suit torn and his eyes blazing, was watching the battle. Erik smirked.

"A little goodbye present Blockbuster!" Erik said as he held his hands up. Black energy exploded to life on them. "INSANITY LIGHT-ARRRGGHHH!' Erik yelled as Phil ploughed into him from the side. He got the blast off, but it went wide.

But it still headed in Blockbuster's direction. He felt the wind whistle as it flew past him, and he turned as it flew through the hole in the far wall.

"Oh dear…"

The blast exploded and every single window on the floor, along with the ones above and below it, blew out in a firestorm of power and wreckage. The top of the building sagged and then collapsed, breaking into a million pieces as it fell off the skyscraper and onto the streets below. Fortunately, no one was there (and Phil couldn't help but think Erik would have never used that attack if that wasn't the case). He blurred away and reappeared in front of Erik. Erik stopped the glider and they floated there, looking at each other.

"Perhaps I haven't made myself clear. You are under arrest, and there are two things you can do about it. Nothing, AND LIKE IT!" Phil snapped. He threw out his hands and dark purple energy enveloped them. "SHI SHI HOUKOU DAN!" 

"Cease." Erik said.

And the jets on his glider suddenly cut off, and Erik was falling. Phil's attack went right over his head, zapping off and blowing up in the harbor. Phil's eyes widened.

"Re-engage!"

The jets fired again, and Erik zapped right underneath Phil before swinging up in another incredibly tight 180 degree arc. Phil yelled as the glider rammed into his spine, and then snarled as a large clamp spun out and slammed around him, locking him to the glider. Erik turned around again, and Phil found himself upside down and attached to the glider.

And then Erik went into an acrobatic display across the sky, putting on a one man show for an audience only he could see. Phil yelled and tried to get his bearing as the glider flew up and down and all around. He was used to flying, but he had never tried flying upside down while doing stunts, and it was proving massively disorienting. It was hard to zap the glider when he wasn't even sure which way was up.

"LET ME GO!"

"If you insist."

And the clamp opened, and Phil found himself flying through the air.

Right throw the window of the condemned building Erik had been heading for. There were various noises as Phil came to a not so perfect landing.

Snarling, Phil exploded out through the ceiling, as Erik flew up and did a long lazy arc, coming back towards him.

"Phil, calm down! This is his plan: Making you so mad you can't think! You have to use tactics! Do what you did before: Make HIM see red!" Io chimed in.

"I have to agree with the lady, Squire." Arthur said.

_Me no like him. He have fire. Fire bad._ Well, couldn't get advice from all of them.

"Make him mad huh?" Phil said, thinking about what snatching his wedding band had done to Erik, along with the comments about Celeste.

"HEY! JACKASS! YOUR MOTHER WAS A WHORE! YOUR WIFE IS A WHORE! YOUR KIDS WILL ALL BE WHORES!"

That did it. He couldn't see Erik's reaction, but the way he drastically changed direction and put his glider in a steep dive towards him was enough. He flew up to meet it. He'd catch the glider, and then maybe he'd toss Erik through a few buildings before he finally arrested him.

Erik kept his dive.

"Uh Phil, he may be mad, but is he really mad enough to dive directly at you?" Io said.

"What?"

And then Erik suddenly leapt up and off the glider. Phil's eyes widened. He jerked back as the glider zoomed past his feet and then Erik landed on him, fists first, sending him back down and into the roof of the condemned building. Phil smashed through several floors as Erik shot off a grappling hook and swung back into the air, his glider coming back up and swooping underneath him. He landed on it and flew away.

"My my, my luck is certainly holding out." Erik commented as he flew away. He gave Phil three seconds before…

The whole top of the building exploded as Phil floated up, his aura shining ten feet around him, a bright molten yellow. 

Back at Blockbuster's ruined building, a huge figure clawed his way out from under the rubble. He looked at the damage and roared to the heavens, swearing that he would see Erik dead before the night fell again. 

Elsewhere, a tall athletic figure wearing an armored bodysuit that had some similarities to Erik's, except this one had a blue stripe running down the shoulders and arms, watched. His eyes were blank, totally white behind his mask, but even they could express his confusion and wonderment as he watched some wacko fly on a glider around exploding buildings halfway across the city. 

"What the hell is going on?" Nightwing said, and then decided he would find out for himself. A swing on a rope later, and he was gone. 

"DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE MESSING WITH!?!?!?!?" Phil roared, his aura turning into swirling, flaming energy. It focused around his hands as he raised them up. "I'LL SHOW YOU…HAH!" Phil yelled, and fired a blast off at Erik.

The glider's jets shifted and Erik flew away from the blast. Phil fired off attack after attack and the sky above Bludhaven filled with fireworks as Erik somehow dodged blast after blast, now handling the glider like he had flown it all his life.

Off on another roof, Ralph cursed and turned on the radio.

"PHIL! STOP! YOU'RE GONNA TRASH THE CITY!" Ralph said, and emphasized his point with some Force usage. Phil growled and ceased.

"You're right. Why am I shooting at him? I'm faster then that damn glider!"

And Phil blasted across the sky, a sonic boom ringing across the city. Erik's eyes widened as he suddenly found a smirking and very content Phil flying right along beside him. 

"I do think up close and personal is so much better." Phil said, and aimed his hand at the glider.

"Brakes." Erik said calmly.

And the glider stopped on a dime. Phil suddenly found himself flying alone. He realized what had happened and slammed on his own brakes, turning around.

WHAM! Erik flew the glider right into Phil. Phil went flying backwards and did a few flips before he righted himself. His anger came roaring back.

"Phil! Control!" Ralph said on the radio. Phil reached up and checked for blood as Erik swooped around, like he was taunting him.

"Phil, listen. I'm gonna connect with you and use the Force to let you lock on a shot to his glider. Once that's gone, he'll be helpless for a bit. Catch him and arrest him, and whatever you do, do not let him go splat!"

"Just a little?"

"No!"

"Damn." Phil said, and held out his arm.

"Ok…I got it. Fire!"

"Improved Kamehameha!" Phil yelled, and fired off the blast. He watched it streak towards Erik.

Erik changed direction, but it followed him. He did it to a more extreme degree and it still followed him. Phil smiled and waited.

Erik changed direction again and headed right for Phil, the blast gradually catching up to him as he flew at him.

"Oh no ya don't." Phil said, and blurred away. Erik cursed and turned the glider around, reversing the jets so he was now flying backwards. He aimed his hand at the approaching laser beam.

"Piercing Strike!"

Nothing came out.

"Piercing Strike! Piercing Strike! What the hell!" Erik said. He then realized his glider was considerably heavier again, and looked down to see Phil hanging on it. He smiled and waved, holding up a small device.

"Reality Checker. And reality says that people can't focus and fire energy out of their hands." Phil said. Erik swiped at him, but Phil let go, turning off the Reality Checker and clipping it back on his belt as he watched Erik fly on. The option of canceling out his blast with a blast of his own was now lost to Erik: If he did it, the resulting explosion would trash his glider and probably him too. Good thing his blast hadn't gotten within range of the Reality Checker, or…

"EMERGENCY EVASIVE MANEUVERS!" Erik yelled, and suddenly jumped up.

And Phil gaped as Erik's glider suddenly split into three parts and each flew in a different direction. The blast became confused and spiraled around, finally flying off into the sky and god knows where.

Erik plummeted, but he clearly had things in control, as he shot off another grappling hook and used the momentum of the fall to swing up and across. The terminal velocity would have torn a normal man's arm right out of the socket, but Erik's metal limb weathered the strain with no apparent ill effects. Erik flipped and landed perfectly on a moving train, the wood cracking under his feet. He stood and looked for his glider.

Then Phil blurred in front of him, his teeth bared and his fists clenched. For a moment, the two stood on the fast moving train and looked at each other.

"You know, I have fought alien armies, nigh-invulnerable magical beings, genetically perfected bionic warriors, and heartless queens (Io voiced a protest at that one, but Phil silenced her with the mental equivalent of a hard look) with immeasurably powerful artifacts at their command, and yet, somehow, you have managed to become a bigger headache then ALL OF THEM COMBINED." Phil growled.

Erik struck a combat pose and started doing martial arts motions.

"Your headache…" Pose. "Is about…" Another pose. " To become…" One last pose, and Erik seemed poised to attack.

And then, strangely, he suddenly lowered into a crouch, his hand on one cheek, looking content.

"Worse."

The platform smashed across the back of Phil's head, the cheap wood shattering all around Phil as he was smashed down onto his face. As the pain exploded, the small part of Phil's mind that could still think realized Erik had been doing the poses to distract him, until the train had reached the overhang.

Erik leapt up and over the platform just before he hit it.

"GLIDER!"

His glider swooped in and reformed, flying below him. He landed on it and flew off as Phil tried to get to his feet. Erik was right, his headache had gotten worse, on all sides. A low growl built in his throat.

Then his eyes widened as he realized Erik had turned around and was flying back at him.

WHAM! Erik flew right into Phil again. His wooziness from the previous blow kept him from mounting any effective defense, and the blow tossed him off the train.

At least the landing was soft, as Phil fell into the mucky, muddy swamps that the train was driving past.

Filthy, hurting, and angry that Erik was again somehow showing him up, Phil slowly stood. In the back of his mind, he wondered why the swampwater hadn't caused him to change again (maybe there was too much mud and not enough water?) Before he could find out, he blew the mud off him with a power up and floated up, glaring at Erik's flying form.

"Ralph, can you do that lock on thing again?"

"Sure Phil…but won't he just split up the glider again?"

"Yes…but this time, I won't aim for the glider."

"Phil!"

"Just do it!"

"I will not let you zap him!"

"Oh no, the blast is for the glider."

"But you said…"

"DO IT!"

"Ok, got it!"

Phil raised his hand and fired off another blast. Erik watched it approach and follow him as he tried to dodge.

"Not this again. Emergency evasive maneuvers, again!" Erik said, and jumped off the glider as it split. The blast flew by…

And Phil blurred into existence in front of Erik, grabbing him by the shirt. Erik's eyes widened as Phil smiled, a gruesome smile.

"This game ends, now." Phil hefted Erik over his shoulder, and cocked his arm back. "PULL!" Erik went flying through the air and found himself on the receiving end of a bolt of energy. It kept him airborne while Phil prepared his next assault.

Phil spread his arms out. "Multiform Technique!" Phil's form blurred for a moment, until there were four where one had stood. All four blasted up after Erik.

As the Chi bolt finally dissipated, Erik almost got a chance to call for his glider. Then, Phil's fist knocked the air out of him. The impact sent him flying towards the ground, only to find that there was another Phil in his way. This time, Phil's copy spun around to give his kick extra momentum. 

Before Erik could loose his inertia, yet another Phil blurred into existence before him, grabbed his shirt, threw him upwards and spiked him like a volleyball. This continued, with three of the Phils playing an airborne game of volleyball with Erik.

The remaining Phil wasn't idle. He had filled the air with hot Chi, then used the Soul of Ice technique to make sure that he was putting off cold energy. Then, he flew in a spiral, reaching a predetermined midpoint, and thrust his fist upwards. Phil cried out, "HIRYU SHOUTEN HA!" As the hot and cold fronts met, they produced a gigantic whirlwind. 

Bruised and bloody, Erik looked down in time to see the cyclone whipping up towards him. The three Phils had placed him directly at ground zero. "Ah, shit." For a few moments, Erik knew what those cows stuck in a twister felt like, as strong winds robbed the air from his lungs, and pelted him with debris. Then, the wind stopped, and he was in free fall once again. 

He sucked in a breath. "GLI... OOF!" Phil, having remerged into one being, had shot up at Erik as fast as he could go. Both of his fists impacted Erik's gut, stopping him from calling for the glider. The two flew up and up, until they were about at ten thousand feet. The air was much colder and thinner there, but Phil didn't seem to notice. 

Grabbing Erik by the front of his shirt, Phil slapped his face back and forth for a few moments. Only when Phil sensed that Erik was on the brink of blacking out did he halt his assaults. 

"You're pretty good, kid, but you must understand…the Physics Police, they always get their man." Phil said, as Erik twitched a bit, his eyes glazed. His hand brushed Phil's side in some futile last gesture of defiance. Phil smirked and continued to gloat, thoroughly enjoying himself. "We do. By any means, by hook, by crook…"

Erik's hands seized on something and yanked it off Phil's outfit. Phil's eyes widened as Erik's eyes cleared, and he held up the Reality Checker.

"Bye bye." Erik said, and pressed it.

The laws of Physics took over, and suddenly Phil found himself plummeting, his ki flight power deactivated. He let go and flailed at Erik, trying to get the Reality Checker back. Erik yanked it away, as he pulled at his arm, trying to remove something.

"YOU MORON! LOOK WHAT YOU DID! WE'RE FALLING!" Phil screamed, as Erik pressed something on the Reality Checker. "GIVE THAT BACK!"

Erik did, but not as Phil expected, as he suddenly reared back and smacked the Reality Checker onto Phil's chest. Button down first. Phil felt the stickiness. _Glue._

"No, actually, YOU'RE falling." Erik said, and kicked Phil, sending him flying backwards and out of the Reality Checker's sphere. He whistled and his glider flew up and under him, carrying him away. "Happy landings, ossifer!"

Phil ignored the taunt as he frantically pulled at the Reality Checker. But the adhesive Erik had used was apparently very quick drying. Phil tore and yanked, as the ground rushed up to meet him. _C'mon, c'mon, C'MON…_

The Reality Checker tore free, and Phil smashed the button down. It deactivated.

And then Phil hit the street at terminal velocity, going right through a car and leaving a crater in the concrete. The last second deactivation had kept Phil from being splattered all over the street, but even his immensely strong body was knocked silly by the impact. As new colors danced in his vision, Phil's last words were curses towards Erik. 

Ralph ran over to the crater, followed closely by Ecks.

"Phil! Is he ok?" Ecks said, worried, as Ralph reached out with the force.

"Yes. He isn't even injured, well, severely. He'll have a nasty bruise. C'mon Phil, wake up." _Goddamn vigilante. Just when you think he has a bad hand, he pulls a card out from under his sleeve. The cost: A whole lot of property damage to Bludhaven. The Chief is gonna have our asses…_

"Ralph!"

"What?"

"He's coming back!"

"What?" Ralph said, and turned around as Erik finished his dive down to street level at one end of the street and blasted at them. _I thought he'd be long gone by now! What the hell is he trying to do, take us ALL out? Well, if he wants to be a fool and walk right back into our arms just after he barely escaped them, I will gladly let him!_ Ralph said, and ignited his lightsaber. "Ecks! Give me some room!"

Ecks ran to the side, and Ralph hefted his lightsaber as Erik blasted at him. _Time for a Return of the Jedi moment, and while it ain't a speeder bike, it'll do!_ He lifted the lightsaber and…

Erik suddenly changed course, zapping to the side and away from Ralph.

Right towards Ecks.

She squealed in surprise and tried to move, but she was too slow. Ralph gaped as Erik blasted past him and snatched Ecks off the street, and her squeal turned into a scream of distress.

"RALPH!"

"ECKS!" Ralph yelled, as Erik flew off with the would-be Sailor Senshi. He growled, sounding like Phil, and reached out with the Force. The glider hadn't escaped unscathed from the fight, and Ralph had seen the damage on one wing as Erik had swooped past him. His mind focused on that damage, visualizing it in his mind, and struck. _Force Push!_

The right wing suddenly snapped off, and Erik squawked as his glider shifted and went out of control. The straight line became a weaving zigzag as Erik fought for control.

Ralph watched, and then he realized that he had miscalculated. He had expected Erik to leapt off the glider and hence leave Ecks. He hadn't expected Erik to _keep trying to fly the damn thing!_

Ecks screamed as the glider lurched around the corner, Erik still trying to get control.

And Ralph's heart lurched as he heard the explosion, and then he was running, heading around the corner.

The glider was a burning ruin at one end of the street, along with the crater it had left in the building when it had crashed. Ralph faltered, looking at the flames as they licked at the building. Ecks' last scream echoed in his mind.

_I can't sense her. That either means she's unconscious or…_

Ralph sensed that Phil was beside him, and he wanted an explanation, but for the moment, all Ralph could feel was failure. 

A while later, Ecks slowly woke up. As she did, she slowly processed she was in a chair, and that she was restrained. The last thing she realized was that she wasn't alone. She opened her eyes and blinked at the light. Then she saw Erik standing against the wall, and wished she hadn't opened her eyes.

"Your companions have been hounding me since this whole mess began, you among them. Yet I have no idea why…"

And then Erik was in her face. She stared into his lone organic eye, a cold crystal blue, and the other one, a dead metallic silver.

"I'd like to know, young lady. And I'd like to know now." 

End Part 53


	54. Why Warren's Life Sucks: Chapter 1

Part 54:

Why Warren's Life Sucks: Chapter 1

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Disclaimer: I don't own most of this. Sorry about the lack of joke; I'm low on funny today.

The headquarters of the Physics Police was roughly the size of a small continent. It was one of the best defended spots in the known multiverse; there were overlapping energy shield generators, massive arrays of both short and long range weapon systems, entire squadrons of fighters continually prepped for launch and over a battalion of Battlemechs were ready to go within five minutes of any perceived attack. Those within lived comfortably, knowing that few were the forces that could threaten them, and fewer were the threatening forces capable of reaching them in their little nook between universes.

Yet, Phil wasn't feeling overly safe at the moment, considering the browbeating that he was receiving. 

Chief O'Connor of the Physics Police had to be about the least intimidating man in the universe. Those who knew him described him as a chubby Alec Trebec. When he was in a good mood, he was gentle, more likely to ask you who had invented the cotton gin than he was to raise his voice.

Yet, O'Connor had a temper. A very large and loud temper. A temper that left nobody wondering whether or not he was angry. At his angriest, the man had been read as having a power level of 5,000.

And he couldn't manipulate Chi to save his life, which says something.

So, Phil wasn't feeling to good. He was already kicking himself for losing not once, not twice, not even thrice, but four times, a number that didn't even HAVE a nice little word ending in –ice. For losing Ecks. For shaming the Physics Police in general.

O'Connor was doing much the same thing, but far more audibly.

"What the hell were you thinking? Do you have ANY idea what the term EXCESSIVE FORCE means? APPARENTLY NOT! YOU WERE THROWING OUT MORE ENERGY THAN A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT, YOU IDIOT! You caused MILLIONS in property damage, risked millions of lives, and lost an agent! AND YOU FAILED!"

Phil didn't even bother to look up. He had nothing to say.

Ralph cleared his throat. "Chief, to be perfectly fair..."

O'Connor's voice cut in over the top of him. "DO I LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO WANTS TO BE PERFECTLY FAIR?" O'Connor leveled a finger at Phil (no, not that one. He was at least being somewhat civil.) "I've let you play hard and fast with the rules before, Phil. Do you want to know why? Because you got results. WELL, WHERE ARE YOUR RESULTS!?"

Now O'Connor's yelling had triggered Phil's defense mechanisms. His aura was glowing a bright blue and was beginning to eat away at the chair at which he sat. In a voice that managed to be soft and have an edge at the same time, he stated, "Chief, we've never run into anyone like this before. Give me another shot, O'Connor, because if you don't, any agent who had even the slightest taint of corruption will return with either a cast or in a body bag. I am your best hope of getting this guy."

"Oh no! I'm not letting YOU loose again! You'll blow up the whole bloody planet! You are OFF this case! I'm sending in Warren."

Phil's aura took a yellow tinge at the mention of his longtime rival. "Warren... WARREN!?" Phil stood up, going fully into the Super Saiyan state. "THAT GOOD FOR NOTHING BASTARD COULDN'T BEAT A JIGGLYPUFF, MUCH LESS ERIK!" For the second time that day, Phil lost his manhood as O'Connor splashed him with a cup of water. "AND WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"

O'Connor leveled a steady glare at the neo-female. "You know the rules; you can't go Super when you have a Y chromosome." The Chief no longer seemed to care. In truth, that hurt Phil's feelings than his anger had; she could deal with anger. Her feeling of utter and complete failure truly stung. "Go ahead, have all the tantrums you like. Please, I insist. Just do it when you aren't in my office; I wouldn't want to have to take any repair costs out of your salary. The door is that-a-way. Now get out. Go back to universe FC-1 and await your next assignment." With that, O'Connor spun his chair around and picked up his cell phone, ignoring his agents. 

Phil's hair shifted back to its blue shade as she and Ralph walked down the hall (well, Phil was more stomping while muttering), they bumped into a man walking to O'Connor's office. He was a giant of a man, with a strong musculature and a strong chin. This, combined with his long, blond hair and an eternally intense stare made him resemble male supermodel Fabio. With a thick Austrian accent, he said. "Oh, ecksuze me. I waz not vatching vere I vas goink." He then noticed who had bumped into. And how certain "assets" were very bountiful. The womanizer's libido kicked into gear, forcing a suave tone into his voice. "Oh, hello, Miss. I vould truly like to appoligize. Perhaps dinner at Wuher's cantina?"

Phil would have glared daggers at Warren, had she known such a technique. "Warren, it's me. Phil. Now get the hell out of my way before I kick your ass back to Austria. Verstehst du?"

Warren nodded. "Oh ja, ich verstehe. I forgot Phil, zat you had joined ze fairer zecks." The fact that Phil began to mutter something that sounded like "must control fist of death" didn't deter him. "I hafe zeveral of your, how you say, pin-ups. You are very popular. Now, how divicult waz ze zecks change surgery? Zome of ze guys and I vere curious."

Phil's hair snapped back to its blond color. "YOU MORON! IT'S A JUSENKYO CURSE! It is temporary!" 

Warren, completely unfazed by the massive power aimed at him and wishing to cause his rival some discomfort, said, "Vell, I zee that you hafe managed to mezz everything up again, Phil. I suppose that I shall just have to clean up your mess. Vhy don't you go back to fucking your Juraian bitch? It is all zat you are good at."

Phil's response was swift and painful; Warren found himself held by the throat and slammed into a nearby cubicle wall. Somehow, the flimsy surface maintained its integrity. Phil steadily increased the pressure. Slowly, steadily and with great force, she said, "Now. You. Listen. Here. You. Do. Not. Refer. To. Kione. Like. That. Not. If. You. Like. To. Breathe. Am. I. Perfectly. Clear?" Warren managed to nod, and Phil dropped him. His rear hit the ground with a thud. Motioning for Ralph, Phil continued on her way back to the barracks.

Upon arrival, Phil sat down on her cot. Ralph noticed that she hadn't bothered to heat up any water for her cure. Then, he noticed the tears running down her cheeks. "Uh, Phil? Are you OK?"

"Ralph, when did I become the butt of the universe's joke?" She sniffed in a futile attempt to bite back the oncoming tears.

Ralph placed a hand on her shoulder in a comforting gesture. "C'mon Phil. Next time..."

Phil interjected. "And what makes you think that there will be a next time? O'Connor made it clear that he didn't want us on the case. He says that I can't do it. And he's right. I mean, I can't ever win against anyone. You beat Cell, Omi beat Majin Buu and Ecks beat Kerrigan. Even Warren's taking potshots at me." Phil clenched her fists angrily. "No matter how hard I try, I can't ever succeed!" Suddenly, Phil's features seemed to shift. Her face was exactly the same, but Ralph got the impression of another person behind the face. "Squire! I shall not allow thee to give up so easily! Thou shalt not cry like a maiden!" Phil went back to her sad face. "Arthur, in case you didn't notice, I AM a maiden, so shut up and let me have my tears!" 

Ralph slapped her across the face, catching Phil completely by surprise. "Stop that right now! I expected it from Ecks, but you!? You are about the strongest person I know, and I don't mean your physical strength! You've never given up before, and I'm not letting you do it now. Your in command, so come up with a plan!"

Phil rubbed her stinging cheek. "Thanks, Ralph. I needed that. Nothing like a little pain to clear the mind." Her face took on a contemplative look. "Just a second... situation is being absorbed... criteria for success being examined... analyzing resources on hand... plan is taking shape... and done."

Ralph blinked. "What was that?"

"Oh, just keeping you informed about my thought process. OK, we try two different routes. One is diplomacy. Seeing as how you're a Jedi and all, that's your department. We insert you into Erik's home universe, you find somebody who can talk him out of his rampage and bring them here."

Ralph nodded. It was a sound plan. "And what are you doing?"

Phil grinned predatorily. "A great general once said that, quote, "If brute force isn't working, you aren't using enough." While you play diplomat, I marshal the forces, so to speak. Now get a move on!" Ralph complied, running for the transport chamber.

A few moments later...

"And that's the whole story." Phil, having become male again, had returned to the Masaki residence and was filling in the trio of future girls. They were currently seated at the dinner table. Phil felt fortunate that the others were out of the house (something about Tenchi being abducted by a bounty hunter. Well, it wasn't any of his business, so he didn't care), because none of them seemed the type capable of handling the thought of a person like Erik.

GoChibi looked slightly sick. She was having difficulty putting her thoughts into words. "This guy... is just... EVIL! I mean, ugh! How could he do that to those people?"

Phil shrugged. "He thinks that he's cleansing the world of an incredible evil, and that the righteousness of his cause gives him free reign to do as he sees fit."

Omi was currently trying to keep her lunch down by drinking some stomach soothing herbal tea. She sipped from her cup. "I believe a certain fellow by the name of Adolf had a similar theory. It didn't work out very well." She placed the cup on the table and cracked her knuckles menacingly. "I vote that we have history repeat itself."

Chibi Ryoko teleported to a cushion opposite Omi. She looked slightly green, because unlike Omi, she hadn't managed to stop her vomit reflex. "God, I can't get the taste out of my mouth! Did you really have to show us those pictures?"

Phil shrugged. "You deserve to know what you were getting into."

Omi raised her hand. "Um, Dad, who said anything about US getting into it? We're with you, and you got kicked off of the case, remember?"

Phil chuckled. "Y'see, Omi, what you fail to understand is that I am O'Connor's best bet, even if he won't acknowledge it. I mean, I got pretty damned close last time, if he hadn't pulled some last minute trick out of his ass like that. Once Warren gets killed or maimed, I don't care which, O'Connor has two options; go in there with a full military action, or send me. Knowing him, he'll go with me." Phil fished a small disk from his pocket. "But we have some spare time until then. Who's up for a game of Smash Brothers?" There was a chorus of "Me's." He smirked. Dealing with children wasn't so hard.

Elsewhere...

Warren was in Bludhaven, a blaster rifle cradled between his hands. And he was scared out of his wits.

Warren was an anomaly among the elite forces of the Physics Police. Because his father was a Sector Commander, a rank that placed him in charge of operations within a twentieth of all creation, a few... inadequacies in his skills were overlooked when he was inducted into the force. Such as, his marksmanship was almost non-existent. He had no ability to lead, and most people tended to compare his intelligence and common sense to the likes of Johnny Bravo and Mihoshi. 

On some level, Warren knew this. He was cowardly, and was always running from anything more intimidating than a Pikachu. Only regular application of nepotism kept him from being discharged, and even then only barely.

However, he also loved his job. Because he was always on the move, he could seduce the most beautiful women in the multiverse, leave them behind and never be found. They always fell in love with him, but he didn't care. The most recent conquest, the version of Videl from universe FC-1, was less attractive than his normal fare, but she had been surprisingly... talented. Leaving her behind had been easy, though. He could still remember the look in her eyes when he walked out of her house. It gave him goose bumps, the very idea that someone could need him that much!

Once Ecks had regained consciousness, a Mage in SU10 had used a Detect Magic spell to point Warren in the right direction, and now here he was, atop a nearby building. Using the scope on his blaster, he was focusing in on the abandoned building where she was being held.

Warren was confused. Where was this Vengeance guy? Wasn't he supposed to be guarding his captive, so that Warren could swashbuckle his way in and save the heroine, possibly getting some tail in the process?

"Looking for me?"

Warren whirled, trying to keep his rising fear at bay from the voice which seemed to have spoken right in his ear.

Erik stood about five feet away from him, his arms crossed and his stance relaxed. Warren gulped. As well as being pretty big himself, and having the all-black outfit and cybernetic arm, Erik had an incredible aura of intimidation and power, well honed over years of battles. Warren wanted to run away, but he managed to make himself stay where he was. He had asked for an interesting assignment, and he was going to carry it out, if only to show up Phil.

"Don't move! I hafe you in my sights!" Warren said, aiming the gun "How did you find me?"

"Little thing called motion trackers. My motto always was, be prepared."

Warren looked confused.

"I zhought zat vas ze Boy Scouts' motto."

"The little creeps stole it from me! Remind me to sue!" Erik said. Warren did not like the way he was looking at him, like he was trying to bore a hole in him with his eyes. "You are not Phil, nor were you with him before." 

"Phil has been relieved. Now hands up!" Warren said, gesturing with his gun. Erik just continued to look at him.

And then his whole facial statement changed, going from aloof to angry.

"You are not Pure…not Corrupt, but close…you dare treat women like toys? And BE PROUD OF IT!?!?!?"

Warren was extremely rattled. What had he done, read his mind?

"I said hands up!"

"Well, I know who you are now. You are in BIG TROUBLE." Erik hissed, and his left eye glowed red.

"I zink not. I vill shoot!" Warren said, trying frantically to maintain a façade while hiding his incredible desire to run like hell.

"Oh, I think you won't. You see, I know what you're thinking. I have a big gun, and he's five feet away, and if he tries anything I'll just zap him. Well I ask you this, Fabio. Do you think you can put me down before I reach you AND CUT YOU INTO SHISHKEBOB!"

And Erik snapped his talons out. Moonlight glimmered on them.

"Your choice pretty boy. I'm waiting."

Warren decided cowardice was the better part of valor, and pulled the trigger.

Or rather, he pulled the air where the trigger had been. Because the gun was now in Erik's hands. Warren blinked and then gasped as he realized what had happened.

Erik twisted the gun and literally tied it in a knot, and then tossed it away.

"You have chosen…foolishly. My wife was badly hurt by people like you, jackass. BADLY hurt. She still wakes up crying some times. And that makes me mad. You know what I do when I get mad?"

Warren turned and ran for it.

"Hey! Come back! I'm not gonna kill ya! I'm just gonna RIP OFF ONE OF YOUR ARMS AND BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU WITH IT, YOU JACKASS!" Erik roared, giving chase. Fear put wings on Warren's feet as he ran for his life, rounding the corner, not wanting to find out what it was like to get struck by that metal arm. Erik stopped, and then shot a grappling hook up onto the roof and pulled himself up.

Warren ran around the next corner, frantically trying to push the right buttons on his watch.

Which he forgot about the second Erik landed in front of him, having gone up and over the roof while Warren had gone around. Warren stopped dead. Erik brought his talons up, letting more moonlight reflect on them. Warren felt a dim warmth as his bladder failed him. He sure as hell didn't want to find out what it was like to be struck with those things.

Disgust crossed Erik's face.

"Look at you. You're pathetic. Now I know why you're here instead of Phil. You're a pretty boy with connections who played politics when Phil failed to bring me in. What delusion possessed you to think you could deal with me? You're scum." Erik said, cocking his head and looking deeper into Warren, looking for his intentions.

He found them, all right. His features went from angry to furious.

"YOU HEARD MY WIFE WAS HOT AND YOU WANTED TO MAKE TIME WITH HER!?!?!?!?"

In the end, Warren found out there was a worse thing then getting struck by Erik. Getting kicked by Erik.

In Universe FC-1…

GoChibi pressed a few buttons on the Game Cube's controller in quick succession and Mario caught Phil's Samus with the baseball bat. Phil's character flew away from the solid ground on the screen, but close enough that he could easily avoid falling. Yet, he continued his descent, which ended as Samus left the TV screen. GoChibi looked and saw the distracted look on his face. "What is it, Phil?" 

Phil didn't know. He had been winning a round of Smash Brothers Melee when he had suddenly felt good. Very good. He didn't know why, but he did.

"I dunno GoChibi. I guess someone did the opposite of walking over my grave."

Back in Bludhaven…

Warren hit the ground hard, in more pain then he'd ever been in his life. He hurt in so many places his brain was short-circuiting trying to register it all. In the fog, he managed to reach to his watch and tap the right buttons as Erik prowled around him.

"Get up!" he heard him hiss.

"Zis is Warren…transport for…someone…help me…"

Erik kicked the watch, breaking it. He reached into Warren's now bloody hair and yanked his head up.

"They say what doesn't kill you will just make you stronger. I think I'll test that theory. Do you want both your arms broken or both your legs?"

Erik didn't let Warren answer, as he immediately slammed his head back into the concrete. 

Chief O'Connor couldn't believe what he was seeing.

He'd gotten the call from the transport room. There was trouble. Warren had seemed to make a request for a portal, sounding like he was in great distress. Then it had cut out. They had opened the portal, but Warren hadn't come in. Since he was so "important" (I.e.: His dad would raise holy heck), the people had decided they should call him instead of some normal guards. O'Connor had come, and gone in, to see what had happened.

He was confronted with one of the more gruesome sights he had seen. Blood was everywhere, and in front of him Warren was on the ground, curled into a fetal ball, futilely trying to ward off the blows from an enraged Erik, who was kicking him repeatedly while he was down.

"No-one-lusts-after-my-wife! And-you-don't-treat-women-like-objects. Verstehen Sie, Scheisskopf!?" Erik cursed, punctuating each word with a kick. (Co-Author's Note: For those who don't speak German, what Erik said was the equivalent of "Understand, jackass?")

"HEY! FREEZE!" Chief O'Connor said, trying to reach one of his weapons.

Erik was quicker. The concussive blast took O'Connor in the chest. Feeling mostly like he had been shoved by a giant hand, O'Connor stumbled backwards back into the portal. Erik knew he'd be back in a few seconds, and snapped out his claws. A quick series of light slashes and it was done.

O'Connor emerged from the portal again, looking quite angry. But this time, he was prepared.

Flanking the Chief on either side was a suit of Elemental class Power armor. Each looked to be some kind of demon, given the vaguely head-shaped torso with a missile launcher mounted above the pilot's head. The men within the two and a half meter tall machines were seated within one of the most potent weapons of war ever developed. Although only slightly bigger than a man, each mounted enough armor to take a round from an M1-A1's main gun and survive. Jump jets mounted on the lower rear of each machine were capable of launching the one-ton Elementals ninety meters in any given direction. Their firepower was also formidable, as it was composed of the aforementioned missile rack, a heavy caliber machine gun mounted under the clawlike left hand, while a heavy laser replaced the right. 

These weapons spat out bursts of coherent light around Erik. They were only warning shots, though; even with all of his skills, Erik couldn't dodge an attack launched at the speed of light. Still, the rooftop on either side of him was converted into molten metal and was smoking. Even though they had missed him by at least five feet, he still felt the heat from the blasts.

Erik blinked. He could tell from what he'd seen and felt that those lasers were potent. Well, he'd wasted enough time here, and if Warren survived or didn't go insane (and quite frankly, Erik didn't care if neither occurred), he might actually come out of this a better man. Life was tough, and it was beat or be beaten.

Erik barely dodged away from another laser, letting a smoke grenade fall into his hand.

"This is my LAST WARNING! STAY OUT OF MY AFFAIRS!" Erik yelled, and tossed the grenade. Thick smoke enveloped him, and by the time it cleared he was long gone.

O'Connor didn't care. He was too busy trying to help Warren. No one noticed the message Erik had slashed onto his vest until later.

PATHETIC.

Erik collected himself, and was a picture of normality as he returned to Ecks' room. The Senshi stared at him.

"So, what were you doing?"

"Just taking out some trash." Erik pulled a chair out from under a table and sat on it backwards, facing Ecks. "Now, where were we?" She remained silent. "Who do you work for? And please, no obscenities involving my mother this time. She was a good woman."

"The Physics Police."

"Really. Well physics are quite vague. What is it exactly that you police?"

Ecks inhaled deeply. "Well..." She seemed to be considering her words carefully. 

After nearly a minute of this, Erik was growing impatient. "C'mon woman, out with it!"

"Under Article 17 of the Geneva Conventions, I am only required to give you my first name, rank, date of birth and serial number. The nature of my organization doesn't fall under that category. Also, no torture, either physical or mental, may be applied to gain such information. So tough noogies!"

Erik blinked. He hadn't expected her to pull that. Then again, it didn't particularly matter. He unsheathed his talons. "And you expect me to respect international law more than national law... why? In fact, you are expecting me to respect any laws other then my own?" Ecks had closed her eyes and was attempting to become invisible. Erik had moved the chair away and was pacing in front of her. "Very well. So long as we're on the subject, what is your name, and your rank? I'd inquire about your date of birth, but it isn't polite to ask that of a lady."

Ecks opened one eye. Seeing that he wasn't launching any kind of attack, she breathed a sigh of relief. In a completely even tone, she said, "My name is Junsuina, and my surname Mujaki, but most people call me Ecks. My rank is that of Field Agent, second class. Now, do you want my serial number too, you crazy son of a bitch?"

Erik waved a finger, as if he was chastising a child. "Eh eh eh. What did I say about obscenities? And are you aware how big of a pun your name is?"*

Ecks glared. "My mother was a very interesting person. Now, you might as well let me go! Any second now, a strike force is gonna bust in that window and save me!"

Erik snorted. "I already dealt with them. It was incredibly easy. And if they send another, I'll deal with them too. I've seen how you people work." Ecks seemed to sink into her chair, defeated. "Now, care to tell me a bit more about your organization?" He began to pop his talons in and out of their housings in an unnerving fashion.

Ecks asked, "Is there any way I'll be able to talk you out of your killing spree if I do?"

In a very sarcastic tone, he said "Perhaps." Left unsaid what, "And perhaps Earth shall be struck by a meteor made of chocolate chip ice cream attracted by the flaming monkeys flying from my ass."

Ecks closed her eyes again. "Then I have nothing to say to you, you raving lunatic."

"You know, there's no need to be nasty."

"Bite me! You're nuts! I saw what you do to people! How could you do that to that man, with the needles…"

"Ah, that piece of shit? Why do you care?"

"BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THAT SORT OF THINGS TO PEOPLE!" Ecks blurted, trying not to tear up as she remembered. Erik sighed and sat down again.

"People like you are not supposed to see those things. Then again, perhaps it is better if you did. Innocence never lasts forever."

"What do you mean, people like me?"

"Good people. People who just want to live a peaceful life. Life, liberty and the pursuit of individual happiness as the USA put it. People like you don't have the mental design to accept things like what you saw. The people I hunt…THEY'RE supposed to see it. So they can know that their crimes will not go unpunished."

"But…you can't…it's not right…"

"Not right?"

Erik stood up and walked over, putting his face right in Ecks'.

"That bastard had runners in middle school. He tricked, cajoled, and literally forced some people into throwing away their lives for the drugs he sold. He hurt, he killed, he destroyed people's lives, all for money, and he didn't give a damn. Are you saying THAT IS RIGHT!?!?!??!?!"

Ecks looked away.

"Like I said, you are not of this world I inhabit. You could never understand."

"I don't have to. You're crazy. I could never think of a reason to do something like you did…what you do."

Erik looked reflective for a second.

"How much do you know about me?"

"Plenty!" Ecks bluffed.

"Then let me demonstrate something. Release chair restraints."

The manacles suddenly popped out of the chair. Ecks blinked.

"Stand up."

Ecks felt fear race through her. What was he gonna do? Worse, what wouldn't he do if he was displeased?

"Don't be scared, I'm not going to hurt you. Stand up."

Ecks did so, reluctantly.

"Do you know martial arts?"

"A thing or two."

"Fine. I'm going to demonstrate something. Don't worry, I won't hurt you." Erik repeated. He took a few steps back and assumed a combat stance.

"This is a disabling combo based in the kick boxing style."

Erik shifted and slowly raised his right leg, doing a kick in slow motion.

"It begins with a roundhouse to the side of the head. Proper way is to hit with the shin. Masters can do this combo with the impact that the kick…" Erik's leg tapped the side of Ecks' head. "Feels like you're being struck with a crowbar. You ever been hit by a crowbar, X?"

"No. And it's ECKS."

"Fine. I have. It isn't pleasant. That's the first step. Second, while the opponent is reeling…"Erik slowly reached out and grabbed Ecks. "You drive a knee into the torso." Erik did that, also in slow motion. "This has multiple reasons. It winds the opponent; causes a great deal of pain, and can inflict massive internal injuries. Now, those two blows, let alone the first, would floor just about any man. However, if the opponent is still standing, the final move is this… "

Erik let Ecks go, reared back with his left arm, and shoved his elbow forward, stopping it in front of Ecks' face.

"Elbow strike. You have to do it right, which is to act like the elbow is a stump, you have no hand and forearm, just the elbow. This blow has a great reputation for being fatal. If your opponent is human, and still standing, after taking those three blows, he or she DESERVES to kick your ass."

"What's the point?"

"Just this. If you know me, you must know about Vagane. When he was…designing me, he brought in a professional kickboxer, Muai Thai, a true badass. And he made me take that combo, over, and over, and over, until it didn't knock me down. If I went down, he shocked me until I got back up. It took me two months before I could endure the first blow. Six months until I could take it all. Then Vagane gave the kickboxer metal bands, to attach to his limbs, and started it all over. That took four more months. All the while, Vagane stood, in the background, laughing, enjoying my pain…like it was a grand game to him. I was 12 years old."

Ecks stared, thinking about that. A slow feeling of nausea roiled in her guts.

"That's why I do what I do. Because there are people like Vagane, out there. Lots of them. Preying on people like you. And loving it. I will not allow it. For their crimes, they will die. For their enjoyment, they will suffer. Vengeance will be done, for the living and the dead, the unscarred and the ruined. They deserve it. On all fronts."

There was silence.

"You're even more insane then I thought." Ecks finally said, although even she felt a bit for Erik now. She had read in his files that he had suffered, but hearing it from him…

Erik frowned. "Insanity. Such an overused term. You know that in clinical studies, the only people who were ever 100 percent sure of their sanity were the truly insane? So basically Ecks, if I can question my sanity, I can't be insane because I would have to be sane in the first place to be able to do it. Then again, the Chinese defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Just something to think about while I meditate." He assumed a crouching position, and it seemed as if he was blocking out all of existence. 

Ecks sat there, feeling the utter futility of her situation. She knew that even if she could break the restraints on her chair, they probably had some kind of sleeping gas dispenser or would give her a nasty shock. Also, she wondered what the hell he'd been talking about.

* * *

Blockbuster was currently seated in the rear quarters of an older model military helicopter. Having done its duty during operation Desert Storm, the aging machine was due to be scrapped. However, a few million dollars in the right places had ensured that the chopper would be recorded in all official files as scrapped, when in fact it had simply been hidden beneath the refuse of a trash barge and covertly shipped to one of Blockbuster's many safe houses. It lacked any of the missiles, since those were rarely scrapped, but its autocannon were still in place, and a few more deals ensured that they always had a full ammo load.

Since his earlier tactic staying in one spot had blown up on him (literally), he was now doing the opposite; by staying constantly on the move, he hoped to elude his pursuer. Since his limousine had picked him up at the remains of the office, he had transferred onto two cars (it was fortunate he had decided to have more then one made that accommodated his very large frame), a boat and a motorcycle (again, specially designed for his dimensions. He always thought ahead). Finally, he had decided that he would be safest within the well armored hull of the helicopter.

He ground his teeth. All of this hiding shouldn't have been necessary. He was Roland Desmond, and this was his town! He'd worked for years to get to his position, and by God, he was going to keep it!

Of course, that was going to be difficult. Vengeance had managed to smash his entire chain of command rather effectively. Now he was being forced to micromanage all of his operations throughout the city, which was significantly decreasing the effectiveness of his search parties.

Then again, perhaps his underlings were simply being wary. Odds were that Vengeance had already been spotted, but his reputation was such that nobody wanted to go after him.

So, all they needed was some persuasion...

He pulled a new cell phone from his pocket. He pressed the speed dial and waited a moment. "Hello? Yes, it's Desmond. I have a new bounty to put out. A million dollars to the man who can bring me the head of this Vengeance character... yes, you heard me. A million. No, I don't think it's "an awful lot for one guy," as you so eloquently put it. Spread the word quickly." Not even bothering to say goodbye to the man, he cut the connection. His right fist met his left hand and he began to rub his knuckles. By tomorrow, both vengeance the abstract concept and Vengeance the man would be his.

Meanwhile...

Ralph was, all things considered, not having a good time.

The lack of information on the AK-BH7-8363-LE universe had caused him a few problems. Specifically, that there were monsters in it. Lots of them. Large ones. Nasty ones. All in all, lots of large, nasty monsters. A half hour after his arrival, he finally found a path in the forest he had materialized in and used it, his Jedi robes splattered with blood (How was he supposed to know that thing's head would explode when he used Force Push on it?).

Once on the path, no more creatures attacked him, and he had quickly found a town. Apparently the Legacy world bore a resemblance to an RPG game. The wild world was filled with nasty creatures, but towns were safe havens (protected, he found out later, by a variety of defenses that ranged from guards to technology to magic to guards armed with technology and magic. It was quite a versatile world).

New problem. While everyone in the town knew of the Legacy (they had saved the world), no one seemed to know how to find any of them (most of them only knew Erik as "the nasty guy in black", much less that he had recently gotten married). Lacking any specific tracking devices. Ralph had had to go on directions to a town called Oriam, where a Legacy member was said to live on a full time basis (someone called Paul, or Wyred, but Ralph assumed that was his codename) and where some of the others hung around.

It had been an interesting trip. He had hitched a ride part of the way on a hay cart, and had made the rest of the trip on a hover car. This world was a patchwork quilt, all right. (Then again, what did you expect when the world is reshaped by six billion people all trying to remake it in their image, along with an evil god-like entity trying to screw up as many of those wishes as possible).

Oriam was a technical marvel, with incredibly advanced technology across the board. Finding our Paul's location was easy. The bad news was, he was out, and his wife wouldn't let Ralph in. Cursing, Ralph had gone back into the city for more information. A stroke of luck finally came his way, as he finally found another Legacy member, a curvaceous and busty redhead, in one the many bars in the outside of the city. Her name was Chastity, AKA Jalapeno, a pyrokenetic with a taste for free love. However, judging by the swords she had near her and the whip tied under her dress, only as free as she wanted to be.

Ralph, deciding to be direct, had been as nice as possible, as Chastity had a habit of setting men who annoyed her on fire, and he had no idea how she would react to him (and it was hard not to stare at her. Her dress was so tight Ralph expected it to split every time she inhaled, and her skirt was so short the only thing it didn't seem to show was her nationality). Fortunately, Chastity had reacted favorably to his niceness (a little too favorably, as she came onto him several times. How this girl managed to be such a slut without being slutty…)

"Erik's causing trouble? What else is new?" Chastity said. She finished off whatever beer she was drinking and ordered another one "Well, good luck talking him out of it sweetie. Once he gets started, it's pretty much his way or the highway. Even I couldn't talk him out of it, and he considers me a friend."

Ralph sighed. "Is there ANYONE who would be opposed to him causing chaos in a place where he doesn't belong?"

"Probably leader boy, but he wouldn't listen to Ash. He'd just chastise him for being naïve and go back to whatever he was doing. However, he might listen to Ash's wife. It's his sister."

"Great! Where is she?"

"Well, last I heard, she was with Ash dealing with some problem in the Thuyoa Mountains. Good luck getting there though. It's nearly halfway across the world."

Ralph was tempted to order a beer himself.

"Look, you guys apparently really want Erik out of wherever he is. My advice, go talk to…"

"Celeste, yes. Well, the problem is, I have no idea where she IS…"

"Raven? She's probably home, waiting for her man. She doesn't like to go out without him. From what I heard she was kind of upset when Erik ran off in the first place to help Paul and Laura test the Gateway…guess that's how he wound up in your town, huh?" Chastity took a long sip of beer.

"Uh, yeah. Got directions?"

"I'll draw you a map. Just be warned, Erik has a lot of enemies, so his home is rather heavily defended. I believe the current password is…what was it…oh yeah. Peppermint Cupcake Doomsday."

Ralph stared.

"He needed three words you most likely wouldn't say together in casual conversation. You want that map or not, sugar?" Chastity said, putting on a Southern Belle accent for the last words.

Ralph escaped with the map and his oath to the Jedi unbroken, although Chastity had made quite the tempting offer to break it. And so here he was. 

And it appeared Chastity had been a bit off, as he had found no path, just more forest. But he saw the mountain Chastity had marked and had had no choice but to forage on. At least there were no monsters in the forest. Erik was a very effective exterminator.

And so he forged on, pushing through clumps of bushes and slapping at bugs.

Until the tree he had thought was just a tree opened up and a large gun on a twisting arm popped out and aimed itself at his face. At point blank range. Ralph's eyes widened.

"Password please." The gun "said".

"Uh…"

"Password please."

Oh yeah. "Peppermint Cupcake Doomsday!"

The gun seemed to think it over.

"Password incorrect. Location suggests hostile intent. Proper methods being followed." The gun said, and fired.

Into another tree, as Ralph Force Pushed the gun aside. Before it could reorient on his position he sliced it off with his lightsaber.

An alarm went off, and more trees, boulders, and the ground itself began popping open, disgorging more weapons that opened fire on Ralph. Ralph dove behind a tree.

"Goddamn it Chastity! First bad directions and now the wrong password!" Ralph cursed. Well, a bunch of guns was no match for the Force.

And Ralph proved his point, using it and his Lightsaber to leap from place to place and disable weapon after weapon. A new batch popped up, but this group had laser weapons, and Ralph put the final scene in Attack of the Clones to shame as he deflected the fire away from him and (most of the time) back into the guns.

Ah, woodlands. Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints and a whole bunch of scrap metal…

A dark shadow flashed near the outside of his vision. His eyes widened as a pair of daggers seemed to appear out of nowhere and fly at his head.

He Force-stopped them at the last second, the pointed tip of the wicked blades six inches from his eyes. He breathed a sigh of relief.

Which gave the dark shadow time to leap over him, bounce off a tree, and kick him in the back. Hard.

Ralph flew forward, ducking his head to avoid the floating daggers, which tore through his hood instead. He rolled about twenty feet before he hit another tree. Ow. What was that, a wrecking ball?

"Who are you, and why are you trying to sneak up behind my house?" a female voice said. Ralph managed to untangle his robes enough to see the source of the voice as she plucked her daggers from the air Ralph had left them floating in. "Please do tell. I won't miss next time."

Yep, it was her. Erik's wife Celeste was a tall and very attractive brunette who was said to be just as deadly as her husband. Her hair was incredibly long, cascading all the way down past her waist, and somehow looked stylish no matter the situation, a genetic gift most women would kill for. She had the same talent as her husband of telling Pure and Corrupt (stolen from him, actually), and wore a similar outfit. However, while he preferred talons and his swords, Celeste was known for her daggers and her incredibly powerful kicks. Ralph had just had a demonstration of the last one.

"Celeste?"

"You know my name?" Celeste said.

"Yeah. Just scan me. You'll see you have…no reason to attack me…"

Celeste looked at Ralph, and the resemblance to Erik as she did so was scary.

"You're Pure…oooooooops." Celeste said, blushing. 'Er, I didn't hurt you too bad, did I?"

"Just my bones…and organs." Ralph said, wincing as his back ached.

"Sorry…but if you are Pure, why didn't you just come in the front?"

"Isn't THIS the front?"

"No, this is the back."

Ralph cursed inwardly. He should have known Chastity couldn't have drawn accurate directions while she was flirting with him! She'd reversed the directions!

"I…thought I knew the password. Wasn't it Peppermint Cupcake Doomsday?"

"No, it was Peppermint MUFFIN Doomsday. You got your directions from Chastity, didn't you?"

Twenty minutes later, Ralph was in a comfortable abet dark living room, resting his back as Celeste brought him some tea.

"Now what can I do for you, Mister…"

"Ralph. It's about your husband…"

"Oh god, he's not dead is he?" Celeste blurted.

"Um, no…well, I'll try to explain…" That explanation took forty minutes. Celeste listened intently the whole time. When it was done, she sat back and suddenly slapped her forehead.

"Erik! You stubborn, good-intentioned jackass! Sometimes I swear I'm gonna kick his ass for these tangents he runs off on…except I understand where he's coming from."

"I figured." Ralph said. Reports said Celeste was just as merciless when it came to the Corrupt as Erik, and she had an impressive body count herself.

"You just have to understand. To him it's like the pleasant feeling you get from a good deed and the euphoria of a drug all rolled into one. Ahhh, bad people, slash chop cut! More bad people! Hack, maim, rip!" Celeste said, illustrating her words with dagger moves that made Ralph queasy. "I guess you want me to talk him out of it."

"Yes. Can you? Will he listen to you?"

"I can twist the situation so that he comes with you willingly…but you'd better let me talk to him myself. He sees you, he'll think you brainwashed me into doing it or something, and he will be very unhappy. VERY unhappy." Celeste said. 'When do we leave?"

In Bludhaven…

"I have to go to the bathroom." Ecks said from her chair. Erik opened one of his eyes from where he had been sleeping/meditating, looked at her, and then raised his right arm. "Release chair restraints."

The interlocking parts that had bound Ecks' manacled hands to the chair she was sitting it popped open, and Ecks could move. He hadn't chained her feet, and it was obvious why when her lone attempt to kick had had him grab her foot and calmly put it down, with a "Please don't do that again." He was just too quick for her.

"It's over there." Erik said, and went back to whatever he was doing. "Oh Ecks, just so you know, those manacles have a sensor in them that's linked to my arm. You get too far away from me, those things will release a powerful sleeping gas that WILL knock you out, even if you hold your breath. So just be sensible."

"Why? You aren't you nutty killing freak…" Ecks muttered as she trudged to the bathroom.

"I heard that." Erik said. A few moments later Ecks came out of the bathroom.

"How am I supposed to…go to the bathroom…like this?" Ecks said, holding up her hands, which could only extend about a foot from each other with the length of chain she had.

"Lengthen chain." Erik said. A compartment opened and more chain was added to the length, to where Ecks could move her arms easily. "Don't do anything dumb."

Ecks didn't bother. She knew she couldn't sneak up on Erik anyway. She did her business and went back to the chair. Her restraints resumed their previous shape.

"When are you gonna let me go?" Ecks said a few minutes later.

"Eventually." Erik said, and left it at that. Ecks' repeated attempts to get more out of him were met only was silence. Ecks finally gave up and sulked. He apparently had used up all his chattiness earlier.

"I'm hungry." She said some time later. Erik opened one eye again.

"Come to think of it, so am I." Erik said. He stood up. "I'll be back in a bit. Don't go anywhere."

'Ha ha." Ecks said to the now empty room. She sighed. She had long ceased to be worried, it was clear Erik wasn't going to hurt her. Instead, she had fallen prey to another foe: boredom. Left with nothing else to do, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

A hand on her arm opened her eyes.

"Erik I…OH!" Ecks said. It wasn't Erik's face she was looking into. It was another man, a man whose eyes were covered by a mask that left them blank pupils. Still, she could tell he meant her no harm either.

"Shhhhhhhhhh." Nightwing said, putting his finger to his lips. "Don't know if this place is bugged. You hurt?"

Ecks shook her head.

"Good. Now let's get you out of here…"

Elsewhere, Erik climbed up to the rooftop and headed off to find a store that was open. He was cautious not to be seen.

However, with the amount of eyes that were looking for him that night, it was inevitable that he would be spotted. And eventually he was. A figure watched him bound off and pulled out a walkie-talkie.

"I got him Sai! Call Mr. Desmond. I want to be sure we get our money as soon as possible."

A few minutes later…

Ralph had come back to chaos.

The buzz had been audible even when he had re-emerged from the Legacy world, Celeste in tow. The buss had exploded into full-out pandemonium as he walked down the hallway.

He heard bits and pieces of various stories, and eventually he pieced it together. Warren had failed his assignment, failed badly, and now his father was on a tear, lashing out at anyone he could. In the end it was HIS fault, Ralph knew that. (Warren had insisted on something new, and his father had handed him the assignment that had given Ralph and his companions so much trouble, assure in the ignorant bliss that was love sometimes that his son could use that information gathered to succeed. A move of incredible stupidity, but that was the way love was), but he wasn't going to dwell on that when he could ream someone else's rear end. So everyone was either on edge or running somewhere, hoping to escape, or take advantage of the situation, or trying to keep their own position safe, or just trying to get out of the way. It wasn't fun.

Neither was the fact he had to keep grabbing Celeste as she took in some new being or situation and stopped to watch. He had given her a basic rundown on just how complex the PP Headquarters was, but hearing and seeing were two different things.

"You can sightsee later! C'mon!" Ralph said.

"Sorry." Celeste said. "What the heck is going on anyway?"

Ralph gave her his theory as they walked, heading nowhere in particular. Trouble would find them sooner or later.

"Well, if my husband beat up or killed this Warren, he probably deserved what he got." Celeste said matter-of-factly.

"Tell that to his father."

"I will." Celeste said. Ralph marveled at the girl. Like the husband, she was almost impossible to intimidate.

Ralph figured he had better find Phil soon. He didn't want to be alone if Celeste proved to be anywhere near as nuts as the man she loved. 

Phil felt bad, and didn't like himself for it.

When he had come back to Headquarters, the girls in tow, the news had at first made him jubilant. Warren had been trashed, and trashed quite severely. It vindicated everything he had said, and might even lead to the incompetent's hentai's dismissal.

The good mood had faded as the realities became clear. Warren's dad, Jacob, had a lot of power. He could very well order a full army of Physics Police into the DC Universe to apprehend the man who had done this to his son. That was bad enough. But with Erik's track record, what he could do to that army was even worse. After all, why trash a city when you can trick an army into doing it for you…

In fact, when Phil had peeked in where Warren was being treated and saw his father nearby, quite clearly very upset, he even felt sorry for the poor fool. He didn't deserve it, but he couldn't help it. Then Jacob's grief had turned to anger, and Phil had made tracks before he was run over. His Chief hadn't been so lucky, but Phil would rather have the result of Warren's beating trickle down to him then bear the full brunt of it.

And so Phil and his girls had joined the various hordes milling around the tense PP Headquarters, until luck or fate (probably the latter, the former seemed to loathe Phil) caused him to run into Ralph. Literally.

"Nice to see you again sir." Ralph said. "Could you please get your hand out of that…"

Phil scrambled up. Ralph got to his feet.

"Phil, this is Celeste, Erik's wife. She agreed to help us corral her husband." Ralph said. Phil wasn't sure what to do, so he just sized her up. She definitely looked like the type to marry a nut job like Erik.

"You're married to that guy? Honey, maybe you find him great fun, but he's an utter lunatic. He'll break your heart and probably rip it out." Omi suddenly said, trying to sound mature and wise. The amused look Celeste gave the young girl showed she had failed, as she knelt down a bit and looked at Omi.

"Sweetie, perhaps you mean well…but you see, the people Erik and I kill…they eat little girls like you. Some literally, and most in ways that are just as horrible. Some even more so. It's easy to brand my husband as crazy. But it's not that way. And you are not the type to understand."

"I understand your husband." Phil said. "Some people think outside the box. Your husband doesn't even have a box."

"You understand him?" Celeste said.

"Yes!"

"How well?"

"Quite well!"

"Oh really? Have you had sex with him?"

"What? No! What does…" Phil said, growing embarrassed for some reason.

"I'd say I trump you then." Celeste said.

"But…how…look lady! They say love is blind, and that's obvious with you! Nothing can redeem what your husband does! He's…he's just…"

Celeste cocked her head.

"Ralph says you have files on us. Did you read Erik's file?"

"Yes!"

"Not well enough, it seems, or you might understand. My husband didn't ask for what he suffered. No one deserves what happened to him…or what happened to me…perhaps not even the Corrupt. But it happened. The powers that be let it happen. And this is the result. I love my husband, I always will, but I can say this without any personal issues. The world made us, and perhaps we are what the world needs…or if not so, deserves."

Phil was going to continue the argument when Ralph coughed, and Phil turned to see Chief O'Connor standing behind him. He quickly did a double-take and went into Obedient Physic Policeman mode. It was mostly a façade and the Chief knew it, but he did it anyway.

"Chief! Uh, how is Warren?"

"He'll live. Now before you say it, yes, you told me so. If it had been my decision I never would have stood for it. And yet now it is somehow my fault…Phil, you are back on the case."

"Yes sir! Uh sir, I did some research while I was…resting. This is Celeste, the target's wife, she said she…"

"SHE will stay right here." O'Connor said, his tone suddenly angry. Celeste suddenly looked perturbed. "Jacob was quite…upset with this little debacle. His fellow Sector Commander's have managed to talk him out of sending half the forces there. Instead, you will go. You seemed to have had a premonition of this, as you have brought your young charges. Bring them. Bring this Erik back…and if it's beaten to a pulp…so much the better. But you didn't hear this from me."

Phil looked grimly satisfied.

"Um, excuse me, maybe I misheard but this man brought me here to try and reign my husband in, and now it seems you are telling him to instead beat him up…" Celeste began.

"YOUR HUSBAND IS A MONSTER! AND HE DESERVES EVERYTHING HE GETS!" O'Connor suddenly roared, getting right in Celeste's face. Celeste didn't even blink. Ralph couldn't help but admire the girl. She's got guts…but maybe at the cost of sanity…

Celeste stared at O'Connor, and then she smiled slightly.

"Very well then. Go and try." Celeste said, and turned on her heel. "I'll be waiting."

O'Connor gestured to two men to follow the walking woman, and then turned back to Phil.

"They'll keep an eye on her. Now Phil, do you understand?"

"Yes sir. But one more question. What happened to Ecks?"

O'Connor paled slightly.

"Good lord, I forgot all about her."

End Part 54

* Note from BobCat: A no prize goes to the person who can tell me what Ecks' name means! 


	55. Why The Punisher Is Overrated

Part 55

Why The Punisher Is Overrated

Or

Erik Kills A Lot of People In This Chapter. I Mean It! He kills Like Fifty On The First Page! He Kills Like a Thousand In the Whole Chapter!

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Meanwhile, back in Bludhaven…

Erik was purchasing some junk food and a few cartons of grape juice at the 7-11 he had located when the three guys ran into the store and started shooting at him. 

He had read their intentions a second beforehand and had dived under the counter. The store clerk wasn't so lucky and got riddled. Erik felt a terrible surge of guilt as the body fell next to him. _He's dead because I was here…_

Grief turned to rage, and Erik grabbed the shogun under the counter (how clichéd was that, anyway? Well, cliché didn't change the fact it was a weapon). He armed it and waited until the three paused to reload. Three shots later, and two were dead and one had no more guts. He groaned as Erik hopped back over the counter and yanked him up.

"Why did you shoot at me?" he growled. He figured he already knew, but best to be sure…

"Money…1,000,000 big ones…uh." And then there were none.

A quick search of the punks turned up a picture of him on the glider. He growled and crumpled it up. Karma was paying him back. He had gotten lucky by finding Blockbuster back in his office, and now Blockbuster had gotten lucky and managed to recover one security camera's image (how could any cameras have survived the damage he had caused via his blast?). In any case, Blockbuster had looked at the situation and had decided quantity would be better then quality in eliminating him and had placed a million dollars for his head. And if those punks had charged the store, which meant people knew where he was. One innocent man was already dead because of that.

A screech of brakes, and Erik knew he'd better get moving, or there would be more. He ran out of the store. He found the source of the noise: a car piled with gangbangers was driving up the street towards the store, already shooting at him. One look confirmed there were seven of them, and none were Pure.

Erik thrust out his hand and fired off a blast, and the car blew up in an explosion of fuel and body parts. But Erik could already hear other cars coming, and decided to make himself scarce. A few seconds later he was on the roof again…

And five more people were shooting at him. Erik cursed and dove for cover. _I screwed up royally. A lot of people want that money, and all of them are trying to figure out my moves. Which means they'll have the rooftops staked out. Looks like it's the shadows for me…_

Erik dealt with the shooters, killing four of them and relieving a very frightened teenager of his weapon. Erik hoped he had scared him straight and headed off the roof.

And right into more people with guns and a desire to do him harm. Three minutes later Erik had a bullet crease across his shoulder, 16 more bodies to his count, and was fleeing back onto the roof as still more people came for him. Fortunately, it seemed most of the people staking out the rooftops had decided to be close to his first reported location, and he only had to dispatch one more as he ran across them. But the shot alerted others, and Erik eventually dropped into an alleyway. _Gotta think…_

CLICK.

Erik found himself staring into a gun barrel. Some lucky punk in the alley had had his quarry literally drop into his lap, and he knew it was the wide grin on his face.

"Ho yeah. 1000000 bucks!" he chortled. Erik only frowned. Then smirked.

"Just a point buddy. You fire that weapon, 20 other people who want that million are gonna hear it."

The punk thought that over for a second, then smiled again as he pulled out a silencer and screwed it on, keeping the gun on Erik. Erik grimaced.

"Well hurray for the sounds of fucking silence!" Erik cursed. The punk just squeezed the trigger…

And Erik kicked, whacking the gun aside at the very last microsecond.

"The foot is quicker then the eye!"

Erik followed it up with another vicious kick.

"The bitters of de-feet!" _Ye gods, I can't believe I just said those horrible puns._ Erik hopped up and grabbed a fire escape above him.

"This is my spot to sing "Swing Low!'" Erik said, and swung, kicking the punk into the wall. He stumbled back and Erik twisted his legs around his neck and snapped it. He dropped down. _Who needs enhanced reflexes and cybernetic strength when you have bad puns? Soulfire must have infected me somehow…_

"There he is! Get him!" and other voices sounded at the end of the alleyway. Erik cursed under his breath, and took a look. Lots of them. And no Pure. _This really is a dirty town._

"Someone cue up the fat lady…" he said, as a tube extended on his lower forearm and began depositing grenades in his palm. He waited until he had four and then armed them with a computer command. He tossed them on the ground and ran for it.

A large group of money seekers ran after him, and were untimely cremated as the grenades went off. Erik got smacked by the shock wave at the end of the alleyway and rode it out, flipping up and out across the street. _Thank god Paul told me to stock up fully before I tested the Gateway. It's really coming in handy to have all my equipment._

No one else attacked him, and Erik headed back out onto the roofs. He realized he'd left Ecks' food behind and groaned inwardly. Now he had to…

"HELP!"

Erik turned to the voice.

"HELP ME! HELP!"

Erik located the building where the cries were coming from, a large brick building with several large doors to admit cars in it, at the end of the street. _Garage. Or chop shop._ _In any case, trouble!_

He located the nearest window and swung for it, crashing through as he tried to spot who was screaming.

It wasn't until he landed until he realized how royally he had screwed up. 

Blockbuster was feeling quite pleased as his helicopter flew across the streets of Bludhaven. He had just gotten a call that the man who had called himself Sai had managed to snare Vengeance in his trap. So simple, really. He had just had a woman friend of his scream for help and the vigilante had come running. Sai had assured him he would not escape and had given him the location where he had laid the trap. And he knew Blockbuster would be very displeased if he was lying about having Vengeance. Just to be safe, Blockbuster was going to stay on the outskirts, away from the battle, until someone dragged out the insect's corpse. He was not sure if Sai would be able to kill him, but he had dozens upon dozens of helpers and aids waiting, a good many of them armed with guns. There was no way Vengeance could escape this time, for sure…

"We're here Mr. Desmond."

"Good. Keep current altitude. We shall wait." 

Everything Blockbuster knew, Erik was finding out.

He had guessed that something was off when he had come crashing through the window: the place was dark as pitch. He nearly landed on his face as he came down, his feet unsure of how the ground was shaped. His balance was regained in seconds.

The lights flicked on.

Guns. He was surrounded by guns. Pistols. Shotguns. Machine weapons, both compact and high-impact. Enough ordnance was around him to start a Third World War. A patchwork quilt of faces were behind those guns, but they all had the same intention: His death.

And if that wasn't bad enough, the punks who were armed were back up by other punks who didn't have guns but had other things. Knives. Bludgeons. Even a blowtorch. And that was another thing. This place was clarified as being a chop shop, but Erik wondered if they were trying to be a gas station at the same time, as there was fuel all over the place. It lay on the floor and was lined on the walls. Some punks sat on it and some beat on the containers like some urban kind of war drums. Not just gasoline either. Erik could see propane tanks, engines up on blocks, and even some lighter fluid. _Like they plan to have some kind of massive barbeque. And I'm the main course._

Erik took this all in within five seconds, and his mind went to work formulating a plan. He knew he had to be quick, or even he would get shot full of holes.

His eyes strayed onto the lone female he could see. She saw him looking at her, smiled, and then screamed. It was the scream he had heard before. _A damn decoy. God damn it Ravensky._

"Welcome to my parlor, said the spider to the fly." Said a voice, as a figure shouldered his way through the gunmen, entering the circle where Erik stood.

He was big. Bigger then Erik, standing a good 6'9, a huge black man with a closely cut haircut and a nose squashed flat from being broken so many times. He wore a long treanchcoat that kept the rest of his body hidden, but Erik could tell he was in shape.

"And who might you be?" Erik asked, paying not so much attention to the man as he was to the gunmen surrounding him. His mind kept twisting and turning.

"I call myself Sai. But after this is done, I will call myself rich. You have a high price on your head, and I intend to collect it."

Erik smirked.

"Get real buddy. What makes you think all these men with guns will let you? It's a lone reward, jackass. Only one man. I could bet any sum everyone in here wants to have that money as well."

"True, but I am no fool. I will personally rip the life from your body, but all these helpers of mine will all have a hand in it. So they will all get some money. I am a generous man, and they all realize that a sure $10,000 is better then a hard to obtain million."

Sai shrugged off the jacket. Yep, he was in good shape, and Erik could see where he got the name. Clutched in one hand, the points sticking out, was a sai, a three-pronged dagger preferred by the old Japanese ninja. What Erik didn't know was that Sai had gotten the weapon, and his name, by killing half a dozen armed Yakuza by himself. They had had the weapon in their possession, and he had taken a liking to it. Afterward, he had used in his own way, and the nickname had followed.

Erik wouldn't have cared even if he knew. He was still working on a plan.

And Sai appeared to have a problem with that, as he lunged at Erik. Erik dodged aside and promptly got bashed in the back by four different weapons. Erik grunted as he was shoved forward, into Sai's fist, knocking him down. It hurt, but not much.

Sai stabbed down at him. Erik rolled away and leapt up. He dodged another sai stab but failed to dodge the follow-up punch. He fell again, near the edge of the circle, and another five or six punks began kicking and stomping at him. The place was filled with noise, laughter, war whoops, drumming, banging, and even a gunshot or two.

Erik rolled away and got to his feet again. He dodged three more stabs and took the physical blow again, avoiding the circle's edge. Sai looked arrogant, sure he had Erik where he wanted him.

He only thought he did. If Erik had wanted to, he could have torn Sai's head off before the gangster leader knew what hit him. But Erik had needed more time to figure out how to get away from the guns, and had let himself take the blows, thinking all the while.

But his thinking was at an end, as he glanced upward. The ceiling only had a few beams, but one was all he needed. He looked back down as Sai charged, planning to finally get in a killing blow.

Erik caught his hand, and in a blur of motion, a sick snapping noise, and a spray of blood, Erik removed the sai and most of the fingers Sai had from him. Sai screamed, as Erik twirled the weapon and brought it up.

"THIS, is how you use a sai!"

And Erik slashed out, his arm blurring across Sai's face in an ultra-quick series of jerking movements. Sai's scream was abruptly cut off with the bottom half of his face, the muscles cut away with the skill of a surgeon, leaving only the bloody jaw. Various punks gasped at this sudden turn and gruesome injury. Erik whirled, twisting the sai back up as he cocked back his arm.

"Well shut my mouth and call me Ricky!"

And he buried the sai in Sai's head, all three pointed blades going in up to the hilt. Sai gurgled and pitched back, hitting the ground with a thump. Blood began to pool around his head as the light left his eyes.

"Eat your heart out, Raphael." Erik muttered.

The punks stared in horror, the shock keeping them from shooting for a few seconds.

That was all Erik needed, as he aimed and shot his grappling hook up, wrapping it around the beam he had chosen.

The shock was over. Now that their leader was dead, every man for himself set in and everyone pointed their guns at Erik.

And Erik yanked himself up, just as the shooting started. He timed it perfectly, as each part of the circle found themselves shooting into each other. The air was filled with sudden screams as bullets blasted through body parts and blood filled the air.

Erik pulled himself up and thrust out his hand, firing a blast at the wall. He wasn't aiming at anything, he was just trying to push himself backwards. The blast did so, as the surviving punks below recovered and aimed up.

Erik swung forward and let go. The circle had pretty much broken up into two sides as he had predicted, and his observations had shown which side had the lesser amount of firepower. He tucked into a roll and landed amongst the punks, leaping up and behind a car.

The side he had leapt into turned to fire at said car, as their unarmed companions scrambled to get out of the way.

And the other side opened fire, trying to get Erik behind the car. The fact that there was a bunch of their fellows-a-couple-of-seconds-ago between them and Erik's hiding place no longer mattered. The closer group of gunmen went from trying to get Erik to trying to get away with their lives. But, as Erik had observed, the farther side had better and more guns. Within seconds, all the gunmen closer to Erik were dead or dying, along with all the unarmed gangsters who hadn't managed to get behind the better armed men.

__

One part down. One to go. Erik thought, as a special grenade slid into his hand from the tube in the lower part of mechanical forearm. All the fuel in here made him very leery of using any incendiary devices (and all the bullets flying around couldn't be good either, but Erik could worry about that later), so he had selected a non-flame antipersonnel device, one filled with sharp metal shrapnel. He'd gotten the idea from a movie, and dubbed it his Assassin's Grenade.

Erik tossed it over the car and hoped the vehicle would have enough metal on it to protect him from his own weapon.

The gunmen stopped shooting as the grenade hit the ground, rolled, and then launched itself into the air before detonating. Erik heard the screams as metal shards tore through the gunmen and anyone else close enough. He waited until there were no more quick _KA-CHACKS!_ that signaled his weapon firing and leapt over the car, finally going on the offensive.

A good many of the remaining gunmen were already dead, and most were wounded. Erik flew into their midst, a one man army, as he cut down the rest of them in a series of vicious slashes. Blood soaked the floor.

Within seconds, all the remaining gunmen had been disabled. The firearm section of Sai's gathered minions were neutralized, nearly all of them dead and the rest in no condition to fire a firearm. 

Erik finally let out the breath he had been holding and raised his eyes to the punks who were left. There were still a lot of them, and more were emerging from the shadows and crannies they had hidden in the brief firefight. But none of them had guns.

Blood and gore dripped from Erik's talons.

"Ok people…we are gonna play a game here…it's called…Who Wants To Be A Survivor. There is only one rule: Is anyone here smart enough to take a hint from what you just saw?"

There was silence.

"GET HIM!"

Men and women charged from all angles, some even trying to pick up the guns of their fallen companions.

"I guess that is your final answer. And your final ANYTHING." Erik sighed, and lashed out, disemboweling the first punk in a spray of viscera. 

Blockbuster was not sure what was happening. First he had heard a commotion from the chop shop, which sounded like a crowd observing a sporting event. Then he had heard gunfire and a lot of screams. Now he heard nothing.

"What is going on?"

"I don't know Mr. Desmond. I cannot see."

Then the building erupted with noise again. A few seconds later, a body flew out the window. Blockbuster didn't have to be close to see how badly mangled it was.

"No…impossible…" he whispered.

"Sir?"

"Stay here, even if you have to hover here all night!" Blockbuster bellowed, and with a growl, turned back to watch the building. The racket continued. _It is impossible…_

His angry gaze stayed on the building, only faltering when blood began to flow out from beneath the garage doors.

And kept coming. 

After five minutes that had seemed like an eternity, a lone figure stood in the chop shop, taking long breaths and trying to will away the pain in his muscles.

Erik was covered in blood and gore, soaked in it. It dripped from him in thick splatters and ran down his face. Before and around him was what remained of Sai's grand army, now just a whole lot of body parts. He raised his talons and watched as chunks of bloody flesh dripped from them.

"Did I…just take out…a whole warehouse of thugs…a good many of which armed with guns…and suffer nothing more then a few bruises and a ruined outfit?" Erik said, seeming to ask the claws themselves the question, as if he couldn't believe it.

The talons were silent, but the mess dripping from them was all the answer he needed. Erik smiled to himself.

"I swear, is my name Christopher Ravensky or Harry Stu?" Erik said, looking around at the abattoir he had transformed the chop shop into. "Yeesh, even the movie Blood and Guts didn't have this much blood and guts."

And gas, Erik realized. He could see it, rivers of fuel amongst an ocean of blood, and even if he couldn't he could have smelled it. Looks like some bullets and some gas cans had had an up close and personal encounter after all. Erik was lucky he hadn't been fried.

Faint moans came from around the room. It appeared not all of Erik's victims were dead. He glanced over at one gangster, pinned to the wall with three sharp blades fired from Erik's arm and with a still lit cigarette dangling from his mouth. Erik strolled over, dripping the whole way, and plucked it from the body's mouth.

"Shouldn't smoke these buddy. Hazardous to your health." 

The noise had stopped, and all Blockbuster could hear was the whirring of the chopper.

"It appears to be over." Blockbuster said to himself. At last, the vigilante had succumbed, but not without proving once more his sheer viciousness and brutality. If he hadn't been set on destroying Blockbuster, the giant man mused, he would have almost wanted the man as one of his own workers. But that was the way fate went…

One of the garage doors opened. Blockbuster peered at the figure who emerged, but he was in shadows and Blockbuster couldn't make out his exact features.

"Sai?" he asked/yelled at the figure. No answer, although the figure seemed to be looking at him.

And then Erik stepped forward. Blockbuster was stunned.

"Sai?" 

"Anora." Erik finished, and flipped the cigarette behind him. Blockbuster saw a line of flame sprout up behind Erik and…

**__**

WHA-BOOM! Blockbuster recoiled as the whole warehouse went up in flames, all the different fuels igniting almost at the same time. The helicopter lurched as flaming debris rained down. Blockbuster steadied himself and looked again, trying not to believe what he had just seen.

But the vision stayed the same, as Erik walked without fear as fire burned all around him, Blockbuster's personal demon rising from the depths of hell, his eyes locked with Blockbuster's.

He was smiling.

Rage filled Blockbuster, greater then any anger he had ever felt.

"SHOOT HIM!" he bellowed.

"What?"

"This vehicle has weapons! SHOOT HIM!" Blockbuster roared. The pilot complied, twisting the helicopter around and trying to get a bead on Erik. Blockbuster leaned out of the chopper, trying to see Erik through the smoke. He was still standing there, seemingly unbothered by the intense heat.

The pilot squeezed the trigger and twin guns boomed, firing twin lines of bullets into the ground towards Erik. He didn't move. Instead, he just raised his right hand and gave Blockbuster the finger.

The bullets swept past him, one row missing him by inches. Somehow he had known. Blockbuster gritted his teeth so hard he feared they would break.

"SHOOT AGAIN!"

"Aye aye sir."

Black energy exploded on Erik's hand, and he twisted his arm. Blockbuster watched him do this as the pilot prepared for another blast of bullets.

"NO! EVASIVE MANEUVERS!"

"Kaboom." Erik whispered, and thrust out his hand. 

Blockbuster saw the blast fire from Erik's hand, and then he was airborne, leaping out of the helicopter. The pilot just screamed.

The blast struck the helicopter and it exploded, falling down to the ground in flaming scrap.

Blockbuster landed on the closest roof, grunting as his legs absorbed the impact from the considerable fall. He slowly rose to his feet and once again looked at Erik. Anger burned in his heart as he glared at the vigilante standing amongst the flames.

Erik met his gaze.

"That was it Blockbuster. The gloves are coming off! You wanna play dirty, I'll drown you in mud!" Erik yelled.

And then he was gone, turning and losing himself in the smoke. Blockbuster stared at the space he had been for a moment, and then he threw back his head and roared to the heavens.

They stayed silent, almost as if they were mocking him as well. 

Some time had passed, and Erik was not feeling well.

The relentless pace he had put himself at since he had arrived and realized how Corrupt the city of Bludhaven was finally catching up to him. The fights, the running, the constant exertion was finally taking a toll on him. But he couldn't falter now. There was still much to do. He could rest when it was done.

He had broken into a YMCA and used their showers to clean himself off (he hated to think about what some poor soul was gonna think when he saw the Norman Bates-esque mess he had left, but oh well) and had thrown out his ruined outfit, replacing it with the spare he carried. (Thank god for micro-minimization technology). He had gotten more food, and with that done, he had headed back to Ecks. He could rest there and fine tune his plan. He headed up the stairs and opened the door. Ecks looked up at him expectantly.

"Sorry I took so long." Erik said as he headed into the room. "I…"

A small round metal object that looked like a short pole suddenly flashed out of the shadows, bouncing off the chair and hitting Erik across the face in a perfect ricochet.

"UGH!" Erik cursed, dropping the food. A second later Nightwing leapt out of the shadows and kicked Erik across the face as hard as he could, sending him out the lone window in the room with a muffled curse.

"GO!" Nightwing yelled at Ecks, and leapt out the window after Erik. He didn't need to tell Ecks twice, as she ran out of the room. She found her equipment in the next room.

"This is Ecks! Transport for one! HURRY!" she yelled into the watch. When the portal opened, she couldn't go through it fast enough.

End Part 55


	56. Vengeance vs Nightwing, or What Price Ju...

Part 56

Vengeance vs. Nightwing, 

or 

What Price Justice?

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Disclaimer: What's mine is mine, and thanks to online piracy, what's yours is also mine. Hence, this fanfic. 

Erik's surprise was fading as he went through the window, as he twisted and bounced off the wall, using a grappling hook and his agility to pull himself up onto the roof of the building next to the one. His attacker vaulted up to the same roof a second later.

Erik took him in. He wore an armored black body-suit which looked pretty similar to the one Erik wore, in style and design, except his attacker had a blue stripe running up his arms and shoulders, joining at his chest. He wore a strapless mask on his face, his pupils reduced to white slits behind it. Erik did a quick scan and found more to the outfit then met the eye, as multiple small compartments located all over the suit held a variety of weapons and tools. The last thing his attacker had was twin stick-like weapon in his hands, the weapon he had smacked Erik with and its twin. _Escrima fighting sticks. Damn, is that polymer? That stuff's virtually unbreakable._

Erik scanned the aura last, because he already knew what it was. _Pure. Very pure. This guy's done a lot of heroics. And I'd say that clinches who it is._

"Nice shot buddy." Erik said, wiping a trickle of blood from his lip.

"I'm not your buddy." Nightwing hissed. "I've seen your work, you psycho. This is MY town, and no one turns it into a slaughterhouse, especially not some delusional murderer who thinks he's saving the world by killing people."

"You're Nightwing, aren't you?" Erik said, recalling the name Blockbuster had first spoken when he had met him. 'I had a feeling that guy I destroyed was a fraud."

"You're the one who nearly beat Tad to death. He was rotten, but he didn't deserve that. None of them did."

"Speak for yourself." Erik said, as he primed himself for combat. He knew he wasn't going to get out of this by talking. "Considering all the innocent people he hurt because he thought they were bad, he deserved everything he got. In fact, he deserved more. If things had gone correctly, he would be all over the streets of Bludhaven. Well, no matter."

"Oh it matters asshole. I'll show you how much it matters, YOU PSYCHOTIC ANIMAL!" Nightwing yelled, and leapt at Erik. Erik had seen the move coming, but he still barely dodged all the blows. _Ye gods, am I slowing down or is he just that quick?_

Erik didn't dodge the kick, and it sent him flying backwards. He flipped and landed on his feet. _He's THAT quick. This guy has been well-trained._

"I'm not psychotic Nightwing. Technically the term means your brain doesn't work properly. Literally. All those slasher films changed the meaning in the public mind to that of a doer of bloody deeds, much like gay used to be a synonym for happy. If I was truly psychotic, I would be far more likely to be sitting in a room drooling and shitting my pants then doing what I do."

"Fine then. SOCIOPATHIC!" Nightwing yelled, and attacked again. Erik dodged some blows, blocked others, and took some because he couldn't do either. This time though, he got off some of his own attacks, staggering Nightwing for a second with a heel roundhouse. 

"No, that doesn't fit either. Sociopaths have no conscience, which usually makes them very greedy and self-centered. My whole life is spent doing things for others."

"KILLING PEOPLE ARE NOT GOOD DEEDS! ITS JUST INSANITY, NO MATTER HOW YOU PUT IT!" Nightwing yelled. He was normally much calmer and collected, but Vengeance's flippant attitude was driving him crazy, and he let the fellow vigilante know it by attacking again. The two bounded all over the roof, and Nightwing ultimately got the best of it, landing three blows to Erik's one due to his superior agility. Ultimately, the two ended right back where they started, Erik clutching his left arm and Nightwing bleeding from the corner of his mouth.

"Killing people…I wonder Nightwing, what angers you? Is it the killing? Or is it the doubt that maybe those morals you hold you high…are just plain obsolete?"

"Morals are never obsolete."

"Wake up Nightwing. You think this city, what we do, is some sort of game? THIS IS A WAR! And war has one rule: win. That's all the bad guys try to do. But we are supposed to weight ourselves down with all these restrictions to show our supposed difference. That's why we're losing. This city…"

"Is mine. My city, my choice of laws. And killing is wrong."

Nightwing shot out his arm, tossing some modified Batarangs (Nightarangs?) in an attempt to catch Erik off guard. It didn't work, as Erik's talons transformed the weapons into Chopped-up-arangs.

"Wrong? Wrong. Killing is what we do, Nightwing. We're animals, its natural. But what we've done with the act…it ain't natural. It scares me Nightwing. Killing for greed…or hate…they're horrible. Racism, sexism, ageism, any -ism you want, all a stain on our race…but now…GOD DAMN IT NIGHTWING! WE'RE KILLING EACH OTHER OUT OF BOREDOM! **_BOREDOM!_**"

"That doesn't make it right, no matter how you try."

"Nightwing, WAKE UP. Killing is relative. If I kill fifty people, I'm an insane murderer. But if there's a war and I kill fifty of the enemy, I'm a hero. Morals are antiquity, a nice notion that has no place or power in this world…in this city…"

"You're insane." Nightwing said.

"I've heard that many times. But if I'm insane, this world is more so. It started going mad when we nailed a man who may very well have been the son of a benevolent god who created us in his image to a cross and finished when a man murdered six million Jews because they wouldn't let him into an art school. And that is why…I will not stop. These people are damned if I do."

"I didn't come here to discuss philosophy. I came to put you in the jail cell you've earned!"

The fight started anew, as Nightwing leapt at Erik, somersaulting over him and kicking him in the head. Erik rolled with the blow and fired off his own kick, tripping Nightwing up. Nightwing flipped backwards and fired off more Bata/Nightarangs. Erik chopped most of them up again, although one caught him in the leg and another in the chest. He winced and pulled them out.

Nightwing attacked again, swinging his Escrima sticks. Erik blocked them with his claws and was somewhat surprised when they didn't show the slightest sign of damage. _Tough stuff, that polymer._ He shoved the sticks aside and spun on his heel, but Nightwing ducked his kick and fired off his own, ducking under Erik's leg and bringing up his own foot in a reverse roundhouse. Erik staggered back and Nightwing cracked him on the side of the head with one of the sticks. Erik rolled with the blow and did a few flips, then leapt to the roof on the nearest building.

Nightwing leapt after him, doing a series of flips before lunging at Erik again. Erik caught his leg and used his own momentum against him, tossing Nightwing into the air.

"The theory of flight proven!" Erik quipped, even as he tried to figure out a plan. This Nightwing definitely required strategy, and…

Nightwing grabbed the banister of a stairway and spun around it, throwing himself back at Erik, catching him off guard with a cracking jab.

"Theory of flight, I'll show you the theory of fist!" Nightwing yelled, and continued said theory with several other punches, even while the writing crew of MST3K ran to file suit.

Erik caught Nightwing's arm and flipped him over his shoulder, but Nightwing reversed the momentum again and tossed Erik into a wall. Erik bounced off it and caught Nightwing in the chest with his own jab. Nightwing fell, but as he did he brought his feet up and caught Erik under the chin. Erik's teeth clacked together painfully as he stumbled back again. _Forget good. This guy's spectacular._

Nightwing leapt to his feet and unsheathed his Escrima sticks again, attacking Erik with them and martial arts. Erik found himself on the defensive again. _Maybe I should break out the Redemption…nah, it wouldn't work. But I'm finding myself hard pressed to…_

Nightwing swung his body low on an overextended swing and, putting his weight on the palm of his hand, swept his leg out, kicking Erik in the crook of his knee. It buckled, and in a marvelous show of acrobatics Nightwing shifted his weight and momentum even as he twisted his body and brought his heel up against the back of Erik's head. Erik flew forward, flipping to face Nightwing again. His whole body ached, from his previous efforts and the beating Nightwing was giving him. _I drastically underestimated him. Stupid arrogant fool, Ravensky! If you don't smarten up he's liable to beat you._

"You want to give up, or you thirsty for more?" Nightwing said, a smile playing on his lips. Erik chuckled.

"Perhaps I was wrong Nightwing. I thought any hero who was supposed to protect this city and yet let it degenerate into this hellhole was incompetent or corrupt. You…your skills are amazing. And they're all natural. It takes a lot to impress me, you've done it."

"I had a hell of a teacher." Nightwing replied. "You think I'm kicking your ass, he could probably do it blindfolded with one arm tied behind his back."

"Really. Well maybe I'll seek him out after this is over…I could use a full test of my skills. You see, due to the fact that you're Pure, I held back. Now it seems I will have to hit you with everything…"

"AH SHOVE IT!" Nightwing yelled, and leap at Erik again. Erik dodged away from his swinging blow and more Nightarangs, as he leapt up to another roof building. He waited until Nightwing had swung up next to him, and then he let loose, firing off a blast.

Nightwing dodged it. Erik cursed, and leapt away, firing off another blast. Nightwing dodged that one too.

"Dammit Nightwing! Do you know how hard it is to just fire these things with just concussive and not incendiary force!?!" Erik cursed. He blocked Nightwing's kick and leapt backwards again, but the superbly trained acrobatic superhero kept pace with him the whole way.

"Don't force me to have to hurt you Nightwing!" Erik cursed, firing off another blast.

"Your warnings are much appreciated…" Nightwing said as he leapt, ducking under the energy bolt. "ALMOST AS MUCH AS YOUR ABYSMAL AIM!"

Nightwing's fist cracked across Erik's jaw, and he followed it up with a fist to the gut and a kick to the side, finishing it with a leaping reverse heel roundhouse. Erik flew backwards and fell through a skylight, crashing through the glass into the long abandoned room below. He hit the ground hard and rolled over onto his stomach.

Nightwing leapt down into the room after him. Erik heard him land. _Well, my pride had certainly taken a beating today. I come out the winner of all those battles with that Phil and a mere human hands me my ass. Well, I hate to say it, but it's time for the big guns. After this, I'm going to train my ass off. My physical skills are going soft. Plus, he's just that damn good._

Erik tensed his muscles and pushed himself off the ground, turning to face Nightwing.

"I was wrong, Nightwing. You are more then worthy to be this city's champion. You are one of the toughest foes I have ever faced, and I've faced a lot."

"Good for you. You gonna give up now or shall we continue this little game?"

Erik smirked, a bitter smile, as he wiped blood from his mouth.

"You are a true hero Nightwing…but you and I will never see eye to eye. And I have committed myself to a mission here, this being your city or not. I would think you would stand aside and let me make your life easier, but it appears you hold your precious morals in too high a standing. So be it. I did not want to do this, but I cannot let anyone stand in my way. So remember, if you wake up aching, you forced me to use this much force!" Erik yelled, and set his legs. He brought his hands out and began drawing upon the deeper recesses of his power. He wasn't going to miss this time.

Black energy exploded around Erik, sweeping around him in a dome of fiery power. Nightwing blinked as the dome expanded, Erik barely visible in its swirling eye. _Maybe discretion should be the better part of valor for the moment, and I can dodge things easier if I see them coming!_

Nightwing leapt up, tossing out his own grappling hook and pulling himself up. He rebounded against a wall and flipped up and out of the hole, keeping his eyes on Erik, down in the building, the whole time…

And a hand shoved something in his face, a small metal device, which was all Nightwing could see before it flashed a bright light in his face. A voice spoke, although he wouldn't remember it. "You came across the psycho who had killed all of those people, only to find that he already blown his brains out. You called the police, and they're sending somebody to clean it up. You should go home and get some rest; you think that you probably look like hell after the all-nighter you've pulled." 

A moment later, Nightwing was swinging on one of his lines, thinking about how he probably looked like hell.

Erik looked up. He knew something was wrong from the second he had heard voices. He relaxed and the power around him dissipated and vanished.

A second later a trickle of blood came from Erik's nose. He blinked at the warm sticky sensation, then reached up and touched it, the tips of his fingers coming away coated with it. _Damn. I'm farther along than I thought. I keep this up, and I'm risking a massive cerebral hemorrhage…logic dictates I should flee…but if whatever is up there disabled Nightwing, I might need to help him. Plus, I hate running away._

Erik shot his own line up and yanked himself up, releasing the line as he leapt up out of the hole, doing a slow flip and landing with far more grace then he thought he could.

He wasn't surprised at who it was. Erik let out a forlorn sigh. "You know, Phil, this is getting rather monotonous. You come in, display some third rate attacks, I outwit you, you come back again. Then again, you're probably better then that stupid Casanova wannabe. What possessed you to send HIM? Well, no matter. He's not here, you are. Why do you insist on interfering with my crusade?"

Phil was facing Erik head on, arms folded across his chest, floating a few inches above the ground. Phil glowered at him. "Because you, my homicidal friend, are a… well, you're unique. I don't think that psychology even HAS a term for you. All that I know is that something in your brain isn't working correctly."

Erik snorted. Why did these "Physics Police" people always want to debate with him? He'd heard it all before. Well, it gave him time to think up a plan or an escape route that was less likely to force him to fry himself, so he decided to play along. "Why? Because I see the evil in society and am unwilling to sit by and watch the cancer eat through us all?"

Phil shook his head. " No. It's more because you're the most hypocritical bastard I ever saw. Even beyond the fact that you're screwing with a universe that isn't yours, causing chaos that nobody can predict, you're in the wrong. I've heard it asked, 'How long can you stare into the abyss before the abyss starts staring back?' Well, buddy, the abyss isn't just staring back; it's absorbed you, and you haven't even noticed it yet. You've become what you fight." Erik started to break in, but Phil interrupted. "Before you even disagree, just hear me out. I doubt that I can change your way of thinking, but I need to say this."

"Fine then. Enlighten me." Erik said sarcastically.

"You see Erik, your quest to eradicate evil lacks logic. 'Someone killed my family, so I'll kill them and anyone else who I think is similar…" 

"I don't think…"

"Don't interrupt! Now, you've already gotten your revenge against Agony and Vagane. Let the killing stop. I've heard your arguments for your quest, so let me tell you why you're wrong."

"First of all, you think that you can just kill all of the evil people? I'm sorry, but that's rather naïve. More pop up to take the place of the person who just got killed; it's human nature. Unless you eliminate free will, (and believe me, I've seen it tried), there will always be those who opt to prey upon others. Violence begets more violence. Vengeance begets more vengeance. You may head off some horror, but you leave more in your wake. Did you ever wonder just how many orphans you leave behind, how many of them view you as you did Agony? I'm willing to bet that somewhere, there's somebody whose parent you killed that has devoted his or her life to finding you and killing you. Or maybe there's somebody like Nitewing, i.e., copycats who end up doing more harm than good."

Erik continued looking at Phil, listening even as the wheels turned in his head and formulated options. As Phil spoke, Erik sent another MTD crawling towards Phil. _That's it; keep flapping your gums. Soon enough you'll be visiting the porcelain throne again._

"Also, you state that you do what you do for others. Yet, I know that you enjoy the sensation of killing the wicked. So we run into the age old question; do you do charity because you honestly want to help those who can't help themselves, or is it because it feels nice to have some modicum of gratitude, and the good feeling inside you get from knowing that you helped someone? Only you can answer that, but I think that you'd find that you are, on some level, killing these wicked people for your own pleasure, thus making you at least somewhat sociopathic."

"I honestly find little difference between you and Nitewing, except for a certain degree of competence and power. Now, my team and I are prepared to do the same thing that you did to him." Phil cracked his knuckles.

Erik cocked his head slightly, and then, he began to giggle, and then to laugh.

"The abyss. The absolute sanctity of all human life. Morals. Insanity. To become what you hate. Do you have ANY idea how many times people have said this to me? I swear, it's brilliant."

"What's brilliant?" Phil asked, feeling confused.

"Whoever figured out this system that has brainwashed you and people like you for all this time to willingly blind yourself from the truth and willingly chain yourself to seemingly prove who you are. Well Phil, let me say this. I didn't look into the abyss. I was tossed into it against my own will. And I will never be normal after that. Call it whatever you will. Crazy, sociopathic, lunatic, evil, whatever. None of them can really fit me. It is not my destiny. Do you think this life is what I wanted? No, but it is the life I have. Through the horrors I endured, I was granted, and cursed, the ability to see the truth. And this is the truth Phil. Think of it as a chess game. Chess is complicated enough, with all the moves and strategies and knowing when to sacrifice pieces and when not too. But can you imagine a chess game where you are bound by all these rules…and your opponent isn't?"

Phil blinked. "I…"

"Now YOU don't interrupt. The answer is, you can't play against an opponent who has no rules. If he decides to move his bishop like a queen, or move his rook three spaces diagonally and then like a knight, or heck, take a pawn and knock over all your pieces and declare himself the winner, well, he can. That is what evil does Phil. Like I said, brilliant. Whoever devised it must be laughing in hell. Centuries of religion, law, government, and authority, all telling you how to handicap yourself and you doing it with a dumb smile on your face. Well, I will not do that. I AM SICK OF IT. Sick of people crying for justice while those who hurt them and their loved ones walk through the system, using the fact they play by no rules to walk on and keep harming people. Sick of generation after generation being poisoned and repeating the sins of the fathers. Sick of hearing all this GARBAGE on how "Thou shall not kill!" Well Phil, you can take the 6th Commandment and shove it up your ass, because I will NOT stand by and let the abyss devour everyone Pure just like it devoured me!"

"But how can you be so sure your talent is the absolute truth, you fool?"

"DO YOU THINK I HAVEN'T TESTED IT?" Erik yelled. "Do you think I just accepted it and believed it would always be right? You disappoint me Phil. Surely considering the resources your organization has I thought you would know better. I am my own harshest critic. I have tested it and tested it again, and I have tested the tests. I always get the same answer: The Corrupt will harm, taint, and destroy the Pure, unless someone does something. I will be that someone. I will be their champion. Because if I leave it to people like you, evil will win. And then there will only be oblivion." 

__

I give up. I could argue this until I'm blue in the face and he'll keep ranting on about his mission. He's a hopeless cause. "Maybe so. But that is not for you to say, because your quest ends now."

Erik glared at Phil. "And why do you think that you'll take me this time?"

"Y'know, you do realize that I've already won. You've used way too much energy for far too long. The fact that a human being, albeit an above average human being, could kick your ass as well as he did indicates a certain amount of fatigue. Not that you'd stand a chance against me in any kind of straight up fight, even at your best." To illustrate his point, Phil blurred out of existence, then blurred back. 

Erik blinked, wondering what had happened. Then, he looked down, and saw that somebody had carved the word "failure" across his chest with a knife. Also, such care had been used that the skin hadn't even been broken. Phil was balancing the dagger's blade on one of his fingers, smirking. He returned it to his pocket with a single fluid motion. With a growl, Erik slashed at his clothing and obliterated the message.

"I can accept your problem with my methods: you're not the first. BUT DO NOT GO THERE." Erik said, and his tone was so hard and cold on the last five words and even Phil faltered a bit before regaining his composure

"You see, the only reason that you could even block me before was because I wasn't using my full potential. Now I've pulled out all the stops. I'm at my peak. It's been a war of attrition, and your losses are finally catching up with you." Phil's left arm blurred for a moment, then became visible again with one of Erik's MTDs caught between index and middle finger. He casually vaporized it with a small pulse of Chi. "And you won't be pulling THAT again. I know what to feel for this time. Face it, Erik, you've only been surviving by pulling some trick or another out of your ass. I've seen what you can do, and I know enough to keep you at arm's length. Now, how about your surrender?"

Erik bit back a curse. _Damn! Wasn't expecting him to get a clue that quickly. He must be Saiyan or some kind of mystic, to have senses acute enough to pick up THAT! _Erik stretched out with his feelings, looking for some weakness. He found none. He did, however, get an inkling of another energy signature. _What the? _

Pain blossomed across the left side of his back. Then, what felt like a sledgehammer hit the back of his head. Finally, the back of his right knee gave an audible crack as another insanely powerful blow smashed into it, and Erik collapsed, writhing in pain. Blood flowed freely from a large gash on the back of his head, and he managed to lever himself up on one arm. "Wha… how…" He MUST have been at the end of his rope; normally, he would have at least found a way to control his landing, and probably return with his own counterattack. He stared at the growing pool of blood beneath him, and looked up at Phil. And was confused when he saw that Phil looked at least as surprised as he did. 

A new figure blurred into existence before Erik. She was a young girl who couldn't have possibly been older than fourteen. Under normal circumstances, Erik was sure that she was a perfectly cute little kid, the kind that would give anyone she met a smile.

However, at the moment this cuteness was overridden by the look of hatred and disgust on her face. Her long green hair had been tied into a ponytail, and she was dressed in an outfit that bore a striking resemblance to the battle Armor Erik had seen Vegeta wear during the final fight with Vagane. However, she had added a belt across her waist, from which dangled various small arms and bladed weapons, including what looked like a lightsaber and a katana-shaped sheath. And while he couldn't read power levels per say, he could sense enough that the girl was virtually as strong as Phil, and Phil was VERY strong. For some reason, she reminded him of Phil, except that she more pure than he was. 

In a reproaching tone, Phil said, "Omi! You were supposed to wait for him to try something stupid! Remember?"

Omi brushed a single strand of hair out of her eye. "You mean stupider than messing with you, Pops? Besides, we still have the others in reserve if we need it." 

Phil slapped his forehead. "And now he knows that there ARE others in place! Why did we even bother making a plan if we weren't going to follow it?" Erik was edging towards the side of the building, hoping to make a hasty retreat. 

Omi caught this movement out of the corner of her eye, and used a healthy dose of Chi to pick him off of the ground. She smirked. "Dad, THIS is the guy that gave you so much trouble? I doubt he even rates a 2000." Her right hand was raised, her fingers curled as if she was holding something. She squeezed down, and Erik felt as if he was being crushed for a split second. Then she released him. This time, he landed on his feet, but his aching muscles were beginning to protest with each movement. "And stay put this time!"

Phil shook his head. "No, it isn't his power. He's a tricky one; it's like a fight between a rattlesnake and a bear; the snake doesn't need to match the bear's power to beat it. Watch yourself."

Erik coughed, then frowned, even a small line of blood tricked down the side of his mouth. "Phil, what is this? You need a young child to aid you in my supposed capture? Are you trying to become as pathetic as that Warren?"

Phil's aura flared slightly at the verbal jab. For a moment, it looked like he was going to try something stupid. Then, he closed his eyes and silently counted to ten. "Nice try. I'll have you know that I trained Omi myself, and she's one of the strongest fighters in her universe."

Omi looked up at Phil, grinning a cute little girl grin. "Thanks, Dad!"

"Not that she was supposed to come out UNTIL I GAVE THE SIGNAL!" She cringed slightly at that.

Erik looked from Phil to Omi, and back again. The resemblance was there, but he was way too young for that to be the case. "You're her father? Aren't you just a little young for that?"

Omi turned around, glaring at Erik again. "Ain't time travel a beautiful thing? Now then, psycho, you want some more?" She summoned a small ball of energy. Erik knew that the attack wasn't strong enough to cause any damage, but the threat was very obvious. Also, he was wondering what he was going to do if there were really more operatives covering his avenues of escape. In his current state, even someone like Warren could keep him occupied long enough to let the others catch up with him. Erik began, "Look, Omi is it? I think that I can explain this to a fellow civilized human being. You see, there are people in this world that…"

She interrupted him, giving a sarcastic little chuckle. "You? A civilized human being? Ha! That's a laugh! You're crazy! You're the bastard son of a hundred maniacs!" 

Erik smirked.

"No, actually, that's Freddy Krueger. And if you want to quote horror films, I have a line that is far more suitable. And I direct this to your father as well. 'I can't take no pleasure in killin'. There's some things you gotta do. Don't mean you gotta like it." The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

There was silence.

"YOU LUNATIC! YOU THINK THAT SOMEHOW ABSOLVES YOU!?! I'M GONNA BEAT YOU AS UGLY AS LEATHERFACE AND TWICE AS STUPID!" Yelled Omi, her combat aura flaring even more.

Phil looked down at Omi with one eyebrow raised. "And just who let you see THOSE movies?"

Omi laughed nervously. "I think we have more important things to worry about right now." _D'oh!_ _I'm gonna catch hell for that. _

Phil nodded in agreement. "I agree, but we're going to have a little talk about your choice in movies. But first, to deal with the Punisher wannabe." Phil tapped his earpiece. "Ralph? Now."

Before Erik could respond, there was a blue flash of light, followed by a tingling sensation across his right arm and left leg. Then, they went dead. He fell to his left side, and wasn't quick enough to avoid bashing his chin against the rooftop. He spat out a curse, along with a fresh trickle of blood. He also noticed that he could no longer see out of his right eye. "WTF?"

Phil look of disapproval shifted to a wide grin. "Ever heard of an ion cannon? Another nasty little toy from Star Wars. It doesn't do any physical damage, but it'll mess up any electronics it hits. Ralph has a sniper version up on a nearby roof. In other words, no more cheap cyborg tricks. No more flame, no more MTDs, no more nothing. Now, your surrender."

Erik looked up as blood ran into his eye. But there was no hopelessness as Phil had hoped he'd see. Only burning defiance.

"I will NEVER surrender. You will have to beat me right into the ground."

"If you insist." Omi said.

"But you won't get to. Code Bravo."

Omi suddenly clutched the side of her head as a piercing buzz filled the air. "Damn! That hurts!"

Phil was at her side in a moment. "Omi?" Then he glared at Erik. "What did you do, you bastard!? If you lay a hair on her head…"

Erik made a noise that sounded like a cross between a snort and a chuckle. "I'd be more concerned about the brains IN her head, Phil. You should have used that Ion Cannon sooner, because when you were chewing her out, it gave me the opening I needed. It was child's play to release another MTD and slip it into her ear. This isn't a laxative, though; it contains a small, but potent, thermite charge. You two may have Saiyan genes and powers, but I doubt that her ear is any more invulnerable than an average person's, and the blast will be strong enough to guarantee that she'll be getting coloring books for Christmas the rest of your life, if you survive. It's activated by either a voice code, or any kind of major shift in my vital signs." The little girl seemed to deflate slightly, as bravado was replaced by mortal fear.

Erik heard the distinctive sound that Z Warriors make when blurring in combat, and two more little girls appeared on either side of him. One had pink hair and was dressed in an orange training gi that Erik was well acquainted with. The other was shorter, and had cyan hair. She was clothed in a black and red jumpsuit.

The pink haired one had already drawn a blue bladed lightsaber. "No! Omi!"

Erik blinked in surprise. That girl in the orange jumpsuit was very familiar. The tail and flying around were new, and she looked a little older, but still…_Isn't she that little girl in those comics Victoria has? What was her name…_ "Aren't you Chibi Usa?"

She shook her head. "No way I'm that little whiner! Now let her go!"

Erik ignored her. The lightsaber was an empty threat; both of the new arrivals were too pure to place their friend's life in danger like that. His eyes were locked with Phil's. "Now then Phil, let me tell you what's going to happen. You will give me a senzu bean, undo the effects of that ion cannon, and let me go. Once I'm out of range, I deactivate the MTD."

Phil returned the glare, with interest. "You wouldn't hurt her. She's pure."

"And so are you; thus, you won't risk finding out what I might do if I'm pushed far enough. You love her, and that is a weakness that is easily enough exploited. I loathe that I must take this direction, but I must protect the Pure. And in this case, it appears I must save you from yourselves. And also, I'm crazy, if what you say is true. You might want to believe your own statement. Do you want to PUSH ME and find out just HOW CRAZY I MIGHT BE?!?"

Phil wavered slightly. "What makes you so sure I even HAVE a senzu bean? Those are pretty hard to come by. And an ion cannon does a pretty good job of scrambling circuits. I can't fix it that easily."

"You lie."

Phil was clenching and unclenching his fists. "How do you know that?"

In a parody of Omi's previous statement, he said, "Ain't my talent a beautiful thing? Part of it functions like telepathy." 

Phil cursed himself for not raising his mental defenses before. 

Erik grinned, before grimacing. "Now then, about my offer. And I suggest your hurry up. Along with my limbs and optic appendage, I also have various supercomputers and devices wired to my brain, various organs, and parts of my muscular and skeletal system. Their sudden shut down has started to disturb all those parts, and if it isn't fixed quickly, my vital signs will alter drastically through no fault of mine, and BOOM. In this case, no haste makes much waste."

Tears were running down Omi's cheeks. With a choked voice, she said, "D-daddy? Don't let him go… please… I can be brave. R-really."

The sound of the scared girl's voice cut directly to Phil's soul. Phil stood in silence for a moment, weighing his options. The tension was so thick at the moment, it was amazing that there was still room for oxygen in the air. After a minute that seemed to last for eternity, he slumped. He had known from the beginning what his only option was. "You win, you son of a bitch." He reached into his back pocket, pulling out the magic legume. He tossed it to the disabled vigilante. "I hope you choke. Ryoko, you take care of the rest."

The youngest of the future girls nodded. She placed her hands in the proper position, and a holographic laptop came into existence. She tapped a few keys, then dispelled the computer.

The feeling returned to Erik's limbs. Normally, Chibi Ryoko would have bragged about her scientific genius for inventing the nanobots that were currently coursing through Erik's body, fixing fried circuitry and repairing the damaged hardware. As Erik bit down on the senzu bean, his battered and beaten tissues began to rebuild themselves. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but he could feel his strength returning. 

"Thank you. Pleasure doing business with you. I will be going now. I know you won't listen, but STAY OUT OF MY WAY. This is best." Erik said, and turned to go.

"I'll rip you apart for this, you crazy bastard! I swear it! I'll beat you so bad you'll BEG to recant this lunacy that is your life!" Phil roared. Erik paused, and then turned.

"You know, I will say this Phil. What would YOU do?"

Phil blinked. "I would…"

"Think Phil. Put yourself in my shoes. Endure what I have endured, see what I have seen…in fact…"

Erik took three quick steps and Phil found the vigilante in front of him.

"See the world through my eyes!"

Erik reared back and smacked his palm against Phil's head, and Phil felt like someone had poked him in the eyes. He yelled and recoiled, and the girls cried out and prepped to charge.

"Ah ah! Don't want to increase my pulse rate, for her sake. He'll be fine." Erik said, as Phil shook his head, trying to clear his vision. Erik waved and walked to the edge of the roof. 

"I'll beat you into the ground, vigilante." He snarled.

Erik's mocking parting shot filled the air as he stepped off the roof. 

"Unlikely."

The second he was gone, all three girls ran to Phil's side.

"What did he do?"

"I don't know...uh…" Phil said. His head was clear again, and he didn't feel hurt. What was all that about?

"Omi!" he said, remembering. "That damn MTD!"

"What if it doesn't come out?" GoChibi stupidly blurted out. Omi looked like she wanted to cry.

Then, with a slight _PING!_ noise, the MTD popped out of Omi's ear and fell to the ground. Phil let out a sigh of relief.

"Hey Ralph, did you see which way he went? You lost him? SHIT…!" Phil cursed. He did NOT want to know what was awaiting him back at headquarters.

Chibi Ryoko was examining the extracted MTD. "Hmmm, not bad micro-technology. I think he could…wait."

"What." Phil said, partly listening.

"There's no thermite in this."

THAT got Phil's full attention, as he slowly turned. He blinked as his vision fogged for a moment when he looked at Chibi Ryoko, then cleared. "What do you mean, THERE'S NO THERMITE IN THAT?"

"Like I said. There isn't ANY kind of explosive. Just some remote vibrating device that seemed to get burned out after one use…"

Phil stared at the girl for a few seconds, and then he went SSJ and began smashing the roof.

"IT WAS A FUCKING BLUFF! A GODDAMN FUCKING BLUFF! AND I FELL FOR IT, AGAIN! WHY!?!?!??!?!? WHAT DID I DO!?!?!?!?!? WHY DOES LIFE HATE ME!?!?!?!??!?! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Phil bellowed. The three girls eventually managed to restrain him.

"Calm down Dad! I won't let anyone yell at you. If they try I'll just give them my puppy face." Omi said, trying to make it better.

"Omi, considering the amount of people who are going to ream my ass for not bringing Erik back with us, I think even the puppy face will prove worthless." Phil said. "But thank you for…"

And then it happened, as Phil's vision of his future daughter blurred and then CHANGED. Phil gaped as he suddenly seemed to gain a strange kind of rapid-fire on and off partial x-ray vision. One moment he could see his future daughter, and the next he could see muscles, bones and organs like someone had stripped away her skin and used her as a chart. That he could deal with. What bothered him was that there seemed to be something flowing around in her that wasn't blood or other body fluids.

It actually kind of looked like mist, abet a tad more solid. It seemed to flow around Omi, taking no particular direction. The first disturbing feelings he had when he saw it faded. Now it seemed rather…nice. Almost right, kind of.

Then he saw the little black dots that seemed to be floating around the mist and he felt disturbed again. This was weird enough, but what the heck were those? Phil wondered…

And then, somehow, he saw Omi sneaking some junk food he had said she couldn't have with the mischievous contentment of children. The image was only there for a second, and then it was gone. He realized he had seen what the speck of darkness represented.

Another dot: not doing all her training exercises. Another one: sneaking out to see those horror films she had quoted. Tiny little bits of defiance, albeit with no malice. What children did.

"DAD!"

Phil's vision suddenly snapped clear again. The three girls were staring at him. "What's wrong?"

Phil blinked.

"….Nothing. We had better be going. May as well face the music." Phil said, as he wondered what the hell had just happened.

Several miles away, a sewer lid flipped up as Erik crawled out of the underground tunnels he had used to escape. He paused, checking his systems to see if anyone had followed him and also making sure they were working again.

He was satisfied to find neither a pursuit nor a problem. He flexed and cracked his knuckles.

"Those senzu beans are a godsend. I feel like I could take on a whole video chain of Blockbusters now!" Erik thought out loud. "My mission is almost done. All I need is to get him in a place where I will have the advantage. And I know just the perfect lure…"

And then Erik was gone, once again consumed by the shadows. 

End Part 56


	57. Life, The Universe, and Why Morality Suc...

Part 57

Life, The Universe, and Why Morality Sucks

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Disclaimer: Disclaimers? We don't need no stinking disclaimers! (Best read with phony Spanish accent.)

Ecks had fully expected to see Erik brought back in chains and a bloody ruin, a shadow of his former defiant self who had finally tangled with something even he couldn't understand. Chief O'Connor, Jacob, and a good many others had expected the same thing, and had been waiting expectantly. Ecks had barely had time to tell her teammates she was all right before they had run off to finally catch Erik, and she looked forward to catching up with them. Did she have a story to tell!

But when Phil, Ralph, and the girls had emerged, glum and Erik-less, that story didn't seem so important. Indeed, what seemed more important was if Phil was going to even have a position to catch Erik in a few minutes.

O'Connor was strangely calm as he walked up to the four.

"Where is the target?"

Phil didn't want to say the three little words, but in the end he had no choice.

"He got away. Again." OK, four words.

O'Connor seemed to digest this, but Phil knew it was just the calm before the hurricane.

"Let me get this straight. You have the power of some of the mightiest races in the universe. This man is little more then a cyborg. Not only that, but you have three others with almost the same amount of power, as well as a well-trained Jedi with an Ion Cannon, and HE GOT AWAY…"

Chief O'Connor was cut off in mid-bellow but a sudden high-pitched shrieking noise, "Nails On A Chalkboard's" bigger, nastier sister. He stopped as everyone winced and turned towards the noise.

Celeste was leaning against the wall, rubbing one dagger along the other. Once she saw she had everyone's attention, she stopped.

"Jaws was a great film, wasn't it? Now, are you ready to listen, or do you people want to keep beating your heads against a wall?"

"How did you get away from your guards?" O'Connor growled.

"Acting sweet, asking for a tour, and locking the poor saps in a closet when they let their guard down. Not very hard. No wonder my husband keeps giving you the run-around."

"LISTEN YOU…"

"NO, **_YOU LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!"_** Celeste suddenly roared, somehow out-intimidating Chief O'Connor. "My husband is a hard foe to beat by himself, but the path you just followed is never going to lead to victory. Only to ruin. I thought maybe you would understand after this latest failure, but I could tell immediately you weren't. Pride goeth before a fall, well you people are not only content to fall, but you pull out a shovel every time you hit bottom. Now you are going to listen to someone who actually knows what she is doing." 

"Don't you dare…" Jacob said. Celeste turned her gaze to him.

"Ah yes. You. The genius who decided brute force would work in the face of this adversity. Now, I suppose I can't blame you. Fathers and sons are like that. But I have no position to worry about here, so I will be brutally honest. Your son is an incompetent, idiotic horndog who seriously needs some help to address his issues against women. I took a look at him to see what this was all about, and I can say he got what he deserved. He didn't want to arrest my husband for the sake of controlling chaos. He did it because he thought he could meet me and his so-called "charms" would somehow get me to throw himself at him and he could use me as a vessel to masturbate in. You should be lucky my husband didn't castrate him. I certainly wanted to, the disgusting pig. Men like him have no use or worth to this world. If I was you, buddy, I would give him some serious re-training, or better yet, dump him and let him live his wasteful life someplace where he won't hurt good agents like these four. CAPICE?"

Warren's father was struck speechless. No one had ever dared hit him the way Celeste had. Celeste, on the other hand, was back to addressing the group as a whole.

"I also took a look at my husband's files, and again, you disappoint me. You get mad, Mr. O'Connor, that your agents, despite having far more power, cannot seem to capture my husband. If you took a close look at those files, you would see exactly why. I will give you five seconds to figure out why."

Celeste looked at an imaginary watch and hummed a bit of the Jeopardy theme.

"Um, does it have something to do with Agony?" Ecks volunteered.

"Give the woman a prize! Yes! For some reason, I couldn't access Agony's files, but there was enough info on her in my husband's files to give you the key. And here it is: you can't beat my husband because, well, quite frankly, you aren't crazy enough."

Everyone stared at him. Phil wondered if Celeste was really the crazy one.

"Let me explain. If you looked at Agony's information, you would have an idea just how crazy she was. She only had two sure desires: to kill people, and to hurt Erik. Besides that…anything goes! Can you imagine trying to keep track of a female who kills people and can utilize virtually any method her mad mind dreams up to do it? Especially considering how hard Erik tries to protect innocent people? Agony's utter unpredictability was one of her greatest weapons, and Erik, in order to save lives, had to try and stay three steps ahead of her, even as she became more and more depraved. By the time it was over…well my friends, the proof is in the pudding. After trying to outwit someone who doesn't even have ANY wits, well…the sane are no challenge. Erik's life has allowed him to outthink people like you before you can even begin to come up with a plan. That's why you keep losing. And why you will KEEP LOSING. Oh, maybe if you send in an army, or two armies, or ten thousand, eventually you'll get my husband through sheer weight of numbers. But let me tell you: people like you, the sane, the Pure, you may win, but it will be a victory King PYHRUS would lament. And that, as Steve Williams might say, is the bottom line."

The group was silent. Finally, Chief O'Connor blinked.

"I guess…we could give it some thought, since you seem to be so…passionate about it, miss."

A ruckus suddenly broke out at one end of the room, distracting O'Connor and the leaders. Phil looked over to see what was going on.

"Hey Chief! We caught this one after a mistake dumped him in the Image Universe! Where should we put him?" a Physics Policeman said, even as he and three companions used Reality Checkers and various sound/heat weapons to try and keep their prisoner under control: Cletus Kasady, AKA Carnage, a usual foe of Spider Man.

O'Connor waved the officers away. "Just put him in one of the cells until we have some more time. I want four men on guard, and make sure the Reality Checker fitted into his cell is working correctly."

The man nodded. "Yessir."

Carnage chortled madly, his bright, green eyes glinting madly. "Aw, c'mon coppers! I was only goin' 25!"

When Phil turned to see the source of the noise, he saw Kasady for a brief moment. Then, his vision swirled for an instant, and he suddenly felt as if he had taken a blow to the gut. 

Whereas Omi had been surrounded by a small cloud of tiny black specks, Carnage's x-ray was instantly swallowed up by a black shadow. Phil could hardly tell where one section began and the other ended. Then Phil realized there was no different sections. Carnage's whole essence was as black as pitch.

Then came the visions. Young Cletus killing his own parents. Later, sent to a home for troubled boys, burning it down with many of the inhabitants trapped inside. Tears ran down Phil's cheeks as he saw not only the seventeen murders that Kasady had been accused of, but also the dozens of others. Young, old, male, female… Kasady didn't care. Unlike many serial killers, there was no pattern. After all, he was a self-proclaimed servant of Chaos. He believed that law was a joke, and order was a lie. Phil slumped to his knees, clutching the sides of his head in an attempt to drown out their pleas for mercy. It didn't work.

And that was BEFORE he had been bonded with his "other." Sharing a cell with Eddie Brock, AKA Venom, Brock's symbiote had reproduced, and the newborn alien had bonded with his very blood. Then, the new string of killings had begun, even more horrible than the first. The first had been a guard at the prison that had been pulled through the bars of his cell. Next had been a man randomly selected because his name had been "so stupid." Years later, the event known as "Maximum Carnage" had ripped through New York with a devastation greater than the September 11th attacks, reaching the point where Carnage's insanity was spreading to the general populace.

And Phil saw it all. 

Then, Phil almost thought he heard a clicking noise. And suddenly, the barrage of images stopped.

Phil blinked as the horrible things he had seen faded away. He looked at a concerned Ralph. No more rapid on and off partial x-rays. It was finally over, but his sick feeling persevered.

"Phil? Are you OK?" Chibi Ryoko said.

"I…think so."

"Not so easy is it?"

Phil glanced up at Celeste. She nodded knowingly.

"Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, or perhaps, seen the world through his eyes. It's hard to argue the right to live when the reasons are so obvious, isn't it?" Celeste said. She looked at Carnage with clear disgust and anger, and the fact she was probably seeing what Phil had seen with even more clarity shocked Phil even more. She barely looked effected at all. All he could see was rage.

Carnage kept chortling as the guards tried to drag him away. He looked at Celeste. Celeste's eyes arched, and Ralph realized she could see what Carnage was thinking. _UH oh._

"Don't like high-frequency sound, eh?" Celeste said, and inhaled. Ralph saw the writing on the wall and quickly sealed Phil in a soundproof Force-bubble while sending a mental warning to everyone else to cover their ears.

And then Celeste screamed, focusing her power through her vocal cords to amplify and augment the cry to far beyond what her vocal cords were capable of. While Ralph had warned everyone, he had not done the same to Carnage, and he reacted immediately and violently, throwing himself on the floor and banging his head as his symbiote went absolutely berserk. Celeste stopped after about ten seconds, and smiled contentedly as the guards dragged the semi-comatose Carnage off. She looked back at Phil.

"Now after what you've seen, tell me he didn't deserve that. And a whole lot more."

Phil couldn't think of a reply. These last minutes had been some of the worst he had had in recent memory. And to think his target and his wife had to live with that…vision…all the time until they were dead…

"Sergeant Phil! Are you OK?" O'Connor was suddenly saying.

"Uh yes! I just felt dizzy for a moment! I'm fine now!" Phil said.

"Good. Well, it had been decided to give you ONE LAST CHANCE. This time, you bring the woman! But I warn you, if you fail this time…well, let's just say we need someone to guard the Tellytubby Universe." O'Connor said.

"Yes sir." Phil replied.

That was when the alarm went off. 

Roland Desmond sat at the desk in the building he was currently residing in, one which had belonged to one of his associates before his unfortunate demise. Fortunately, his men knew that it was always a possibility he could be dropping by and had chairs in his size. Staying in one place had blown up on him, but moving around had failed as well (although that was partly his fault. If he hadn't wanted to see Vengeance's death with his own eyes…) and hence he had decided on the new tactic of hiding in plain sight. His fingers were laced together and he was deep in thought, staring out into space.

He hated to admit it, but he was at a bit of a loss. He had thought Nightwing would be his greatest problem while he seized control of Bludhaven and used it to build an empire. And Nightwing had proven to be very annoying, but the fact was, he tried to follow the law. And in Bludhaven, he owned the law. All it took was enough money in the right places and whatever problem he had was solved. Nightwing was a pest, but one he could deal with.

But this Vengeance…was something else. He followed no law other then his own, and he had proven it. He had bested his assassins, he had destroyed all the would be bounty hunters, and in the process he had done severe damage to his empire. He had even taken him on in a fight and lived. He had the skills of a surgeon, the cunning of a rattlesnake, the ferocity of a wild bear, and more tricks then an army of prostitutes. Worst of all, he was angry. Roland could tell when someone was motivated by rage, and whatever motivated Erik gave him a fury like Desmond had never seen.

He had to be stopped. If this continued, in a few days he wouldn't have anything left in Bludhaven. Hell, there might not even BE any Bludhaven left.

But…despite the aggravation of seeing his grand plan fail, he thought he had a new answer from it. While Sai's trap had ultimately been thwarted by Vengeance's sheer savagery, the lure had worked like a charm. The vigilante had thought someone was in trouble and had come running to investigate, only realizing his mistake when the trap had closed.

He could use that. He would set up an apparent dilemma to lure Vengeance in. The man was no fool, so the trap would have to be a very good one. But he was Roland Desmond, and he was no fool either. He was sure he could think of something. Once he had, he would set the lure, and once Vengeance bit, it WOULD be the end of him. No chance to escape, no one to outwit or outfight. Just sudden and total oblivion. As much as Blockbuster wanted to rip the vigilante apart with his bare hands, he would settle for his death. Yes, he would soon be back in control…

The nearby phone rang. Roland glanced at it. Who could be calling him? Very few people had the number. Maybe it was one of the lookouts he had posted around the city, calling in to give him some info on Vengeance's whereabouts. That could be useful, it would give options on where to set the trap.

"Desmond." He said as he answered the phone.

"ROLLIE!"

Every single thought in Roland's head was suddenly obliterated by sudden panic at the screaming, frightened voice.

"Mother?"

"ROLLIE!" his mother screamed again. There was a bit of noise then, and then another voice came on the phone.

"Hello Blockbuster." Erik said. The fear was replaced by rage.

"As you may have guessed, your dear mother is serving as company to me. She seems to have gone a bit senile though. The only thing she seems to be able to say is your name. No, wait a minute. She knows how to say "Ouch." Too."

The phone groaned as Roland almost crushed it in his anger.

"You son of a bitch, you listen…"

"No, YOU LISTEN, Blockbuster, or I will find out how many variants of "Ouch" your mother possesses in her vocabulary!" Erik snapped. Blockbuster ground his teeth in rage.

"What do you want?" he growled.

"A million dollars and a Hawaiian Island!"

"Done. Now…"

"I'm not serious Blockbuster. Don't you ever watch the Simpsons?"

Blockbuster growled again.

"You know what I want, Blockbuster. I want you. At the 2nd Bludhaven Docks. And come ALONE. And I do mean, ALONE. You bring any gunmen, I kill your mother. You bring any thugs, I kill your mother. You bring any muscle other then the massive ones on your arms and legs, I kill your mother. Heck, you bring your PRIEST, he'll be conducting last rites. You and just you Blockbuster. You have an hour. No wait, make that 90 minutes. I'll give you time to make out a will."

Erik hung up, and Blockbuster took the phone away and stared at it for a few seconds. He wanted to give in to his incredible fury, but that would waste precious time. Vengeance had his mother…he would die. In agony beyond belief.

Blockbuster tossed the desk aside and stomped out the door. He wasn't writing a will, but he did have something he could do before he left. 

"Your son will be heading here posthaste, methinks." Erik said to the elderly frail women in a wheelchair, blue clouds of smoke constantly hovering around her. Her eyes, however, were pure steel.

"You young hooligan. My Rollie is going to rip you limb from limb." Mrs. Desmond growled. Erik was in the process of crushing the phone, and he looked at her in amusement.

"Ah, mothers. No matter what they do, they always love their sons. No matter what. But your son has done a lot, Miss. He's hurt and killed a lot of people, and he plans to hurt and kill a lot more. It's time for him to pay for his sins, and I will play the part of the piper." Erik punctuated the last words with his talons pointing a few inches from Mrs. Desmond's face.

"Don't you dare touch me!"

"Oh I'm not going to, miss. You are far from Pure, but not quite corrupt either…but close enough. Perhaps it is my fate to be ripped limb from limb by your son. But that won't save you. Nothing can. I can already see it."

Erik plucked the cigarette from the holder Mrs. Desmond was holding it in. She sputtered as he stared at it.

"You think you can smoke these things day in and day out and expect nothing to happen?" Erik said. "Cancer is a very nasty thing, Miss Desmond. It's almost like nature's way of telling you you've lived long enough. Your own cells turning against you and devouring you from the inside out. And lung cancer is particularly unpleasant, as you slowly…ever so slowly…run out of breath. Forever. That, my dear lady, is as bad a fate as even I could inflict on you."

Now Mrs. Desmond looked frightened, as Erik stared into her eyes.

"But your son will leave the world a lot sooner. But his death will be as painful as yours. Mark my words. Vengeance will be served." 

End Part 57


	58. Love and Bullets

Part 58

Love and Bullets

(Note from Ash: Yeah, I swiped that from a Nightwing collection)

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Disclaimer: By reading this disclaimer, either aloud or silently, the third party (DC comics, FUNimation, Bird Studious, Rumihiko Takahashi, etc.) does hereby negate any and all copyright laws that pertain to this fic. So there! 

Silently, Blockbuster prowled alongside the shadowed waters of the 2nd Bludhaven docks. There was no light save for the moon, which occasionally dipped behind a cloud (like it was doing now), making the docks as black as pitch. This annoyed Blockbuster, although not as much as his current problem: he had no idea where to go.

Vengeance has said the docks, but the docks were quite large, with warehouses, ship repair buildings, and a variety of other structures in various states, from being built to decrepit and condemned (and the ones being built wouldn't even exist if Blockbuster didn't need them to hide some of his wares). Not knowing where to go, Blockbuster had simply prowled around. If Vengeance wanted him, he would be ready.

But he had been wandering for nearly a half-hour, and he was getting annoyed and a tad worried (if that crazy bastard thought he was breaking the time set for him…). At the very least though, he was prepared. Vengeance, or someone related to him, may have erased their first fight from his memory, but his observations afterward and the glimpses he had caught of Vengeance since was enough. He was strong and fast, but the fact that he preferred bladed weapons was what Blockbuster had prepared for, changing out of his suit and into a thick Kevlar-based outfit. The material was quite thick, and would weighed a normal person down, but to Blockbuster it weighed no more then the suits. While his arms were bare to prevent restriction of movement, and his head was uncovered to keep his vision clear, the rest of him was armored up with the material. It would stop most bullets at close range, never mind knife blades. Vengeance was not the kind who would shoot him from a distance. He would want to be up close and personal. And that would be…

A spotlight suddenly came on. Blockbuster reeled back slightly as he was bathed in bright light. As his eyes adjusted, he saw he was near one of his being-constructed warehouses, currently just a mess of steel beams with some wood supports and an makeshift elevator to get to the high levels.

"Rollie!"

Another spotlight came on, and Blockbuster could see his mother on one of those beams. His eyes widened.

"Mother! Don't worry, I'll…"

"Be doing nothing at the moment, "Rollie'"

The last spotlight came on, revealing Vengeance sitting on another cluster of beams some distance away from his mother, with the controls for the spotlights in his hands. He put it aside and looked at Blockbuster.

Blockbuster felt the anger boiling in him. Well, if the fool wanted to keep away from his mother, that would simply allow him to…

"Eh eh! Don't move Rollie!" Erik said, as Blockbuster started forward. "Not unless you want your mother to get a splitting headache."

Blockbuster stopped dead, as his eyes went back to his mother, and above her. He should have seen it before: one of the cranes had been repositioned, holding a full load of girders. Right over his mother.

"Rollie! Help me!"

"Mother…"

"Just so you know, Rollie, that crane is linked to my computers. One move out of you, and SPLAT! Now, did you bring any men?"

Blockbuster shot daggers at Vengeance.

"No. I came alone as you asked."

"I hope so. Because I have devices set up in a five mile perimeter that is currently showing just you, me, and your beloved mother. I made sure all the homeless and such were gone before I called you. It should be just us three. If that changes…SPLAT!"

Blockbuster looked momentarily alarmed.

"There is my chauffeur…!"

"I know. I discounted him. I figured you wouldn't be able to drive here yourself. Well good for you Rollie. Oh, just one more thing. The trigger is linked to my pulse. If something drastic happens to it, say, IF I GET SHOT BY A SNIPER…SPLAT!"

Erik scanned Blockbuster's face, looking for any more alarm or worry. He found none, which meant he wasn't worried about that happened, which meant he had no snipers. Good.

"Well then Blockbuster, we are going to play a little game. We are going to see just how much you love your mother. Kneel down so I can kill you."

"ROLLIE NO! SAVE YOURSELF!"

"SHADDUP!" Erik snapped. Blockbuster felt his knuckles turning white under his gloves. "Well what is going to be Blockbuster?"

"I will never kneel to you!"

"OK then, bye bye Mommy!"

"NO! DON'T!" Blockbuster yelled. He felt enraged, sick, humiliated, and worried all at the same time. If he could find any way out of this…

But there were no options. He knew Vengeance would kill his mother without blinking an eye. And he couldn't let any harm come to her. Over his…dead body.

"You see, we can do this two ways Blockbuster. Your mother can attend your funeral, or she can be buried beside you! Your choice Blockbuster! Pick one!" Vengeance yelled from his perch. Roland looked back and forth between his mother and the vigilante.

No. He couldn't.

"Very well." Blockbuster said, lowering his head to hide his shame. "But I will not kneel. At least give me the dignity of dying on my feet."

"Rollie, no………….."

Blockbuster waited for the killing blow, and as the seconds ticked by, he slowly opened his eyes. Looking back up, he was surprised to see that Vengeance hadn't moved. Instead, he seemed to be considering something.

Then he chuckled.

"Amazing. Somewhere in all that greed and cruelty and lust for power, there actually is a love for a mother. I am surprised Blockbuster, I must admit. You were actually willing to die for her. Well, I can respect that. Move." Erik said, speaking the last word into his arm.

The girders began to move aside, away from his mother. Blockbuster blinked as they swung away and were dumped onto the ground.

"Call your lone man. Tell him to get your mother out of here. But as for you…"

Blockbuster was barely paying attention, as he pulled out his cell phone from the lone pocket he had. One quick call and he turned his attention back to Erik, only to discover he was gone. His combat senses flared, and he began looking around.

"Rollie!"

"Don't worry mother! You're safe now! I'll deal with this man who dared to threaten harm to you!" Blockbuster growled. He kept his guard up even as he watched his chauffeur run up the elevator, take it up, and carefully bring his mother back to it. Once they were down, Blockbuster motioned to get his mother out of here, and he did so, her cries of worry and fear for him ringing in his ears. He was going to…

And then the moon revealed itself again, and with it Vengeance, standing twenty feet from Blockbuster. Blockbuster whirled and faced him.

For a moment there was silence, broken only by a faint breeze, almost like two gunfighters of the Old West.

Blockbuster, freed from his worry, let his anger run wild, rushing and burning through him.

"You have given up your lone advantage. You have damaged my empire severely, killing my contacts, workers, and men. You have destroyed my homes and my equipment, and have even dared strike at that which I hold most dear. I will give you a death unlike anything you have ever seen. You will beg to die…but I won't let you. Not until I repaid every agony you have inflicted on me!"

Erik chuckled. Blockbuster glared at him. The man was mad.

"Agony…there's a word I'm familiar with…and it's also why you don't scare me, Blockbuster. No…this is not me throwing away my advantage. This is me making this more fun."

Blockbuster blinked as energy began to shimmer around Erik, swirling fields of black around glowing misty tendrils of white light, tossing Erik's long hair around.

"Are you at peace? Can you sleep at night…knowing what I'm about to do?" Erik whispered. The fields increased, the white swirling his left arm as the black whirled everywhere else. Blockbuster could sense the power, and he didn't like it. But he would not retreat. Never. He was not leaving this battle without the vigilante's head.

"Can you look me in the eye…knowing that I'm the judge…the jury…and most of all…THE EXECUTIONER."

The white energy flashed brightly, and suddenly the vigilante was holding a sword. The dark energy swirled and then swooped into Erik, his body absorbing the power. His left eye whirled and glowed crimson. With a sudden sharp movement, he snapped the sword up and pointed it at Blockbuster.

"I'LL SHOW YOU NO MERCY! NOW GET READY!" Erik yelled, and brought the sword up even as he snapped out his talons. When he slammed them together energy bolts flew. Blockbuster reared back in defense, but the bolts weren't aimed at him. Instead, they were aimed at the ground around Erik, blowing up and consuming him in smoke. When it cleared, he was gone. Blockbuster had a feeling…

"HI-YAH!" Erik yelled as he leapt out of the shadows next to Blockbuster. Blockbuster barely dodged the sword slash. Erik whirled and followed up his talons, only to find them bouncing off Blockbuster's vest. Blockbuster grinned fiercely and struck back. Erik rolled with the punch, barely taking any of the impact as he cartwheeled and flipped away. Blockbuster charged after him.

"YAH! HAH! YAH!" Erik yelled, swinging the sword and firing off shockwaves of white energy at three times the speed of lightning. Blockbuster dodged two somehow, but the third hit him in the chest with the impact of a charging bull. Still, Blockbuster barely faltered, running through the explosion and swinging at Erik. Erik dodged away and walked right into a backhand, sending him flying backwards through a pile of construction wood.

He flipped up and away as Blockbuster brought his massive fists down, shattering the concrete. His sword slashed out and Blockbuster roared as it cut through his armored pants and created a slash of blood down his thigh.

"Impossible! No blade…can…"

"That's just armor. This is the purity of goodness and love. No armor can protect you from it." Erik said. The blood at the Redemption blade turned black, and seemed to be sucked into the sword itself. In seconds, it was clean.

Blockbuster caught the next swing in his hand, his meaty palm taking the hard slash. He backhanded Erik again, a hard cracking blow that sent the vigilante seemingly across half the docks. Blockbuster grinned and prepared to…

"To me!" Erik yelled, and Blockbuster gaped as the sword literally dissolved and flew through his fingers, going to Erik's hand and reforming into a sword. His anger flared again, and Blockbuster charged.

Erik thrust the sword up.

"Come to me beams of celestial light!" Erik yelled. White light lanced down from the heavens and struck Erik's sword. The light fragmented like it was going through a prism and lanced into the ground on six sides of Erik, sealing him in a cage of luminescence. Blockbuster continued his charge anyway, sure he could reach through the beams that…

Were exploding out of the ground again five feet away from Erik. Blockbuster took two in the chest and head, feeling like he had been struck by a battering ram and sprayed with molten lead at the same time. He fell backwards, trying to ignore the pain.

And Erik was leaping through the air, flipping and driving his sword down towards Blockbuster. Blockbuster thrust up his hands and managed to slam them on the sword's flat ends, stopping Erik dead.

Only to have Erik flip off of the sword and slash out with his claws, slicing deeply across Blockbuster's face. Blockbuster roared at the pain and slammed Erik with his fists, sending the vigilante flying again. Blockbuster dropped the sword as he brought his hands to his face. The cuts were deep but ultimately superficial, and at least Vengeance had missed his eyes, which is what Blockbuster assumed he had been aiming for.

"Now your death will be ten times worse then before!" Blockbuster roared as Erik got to his feet, bleeding from the nose himself. He smiled through the blood and held out his hands, and his sword slid along the ground and back into his hand. Blockbuster charged at him again, and Erik brought his weapons up. He was hurt and starting to tire, but he was still thoroughly enjoying himself.

"What the hell is going on?" Phil said, as he and his expanded SU5 team, Celeste in tow, came dashing into the transport room.

Sam looked a little scared.

"We have a problem! We are approaching a major deviance in the DC Universe! If we don't intercept it…the results, for that universe and many others, could be catastrophic!"

"Erik!" Phil said through clenched teeth. "Open it up! We're going in!"

"But sir, there is one problem! We know there will be a deviance, but we're not exactly sure where it will happen! If it was a god or an army or something that large we could find it, but this is so…"

"I'll find him."

Everyone looked at Celeste.

"I love him. We're linked. He could go to the deepest of hells and he could never escape him." Celeste said, and Phil could tell she spoke truthfully. He didn't need Erik's talent to see it.

"OK then, open it up! Let's finish this before it finishes us!" Phil said. It came out sounding cocky, but in his mind, Phil couldn't help but worry he was being prophetic…

Erik flipped back, avoiding another Blockbuster charge. It was clear the fight was going his way. Out in the open was not Blockbuster's territory, and Erik was fighting at the peak of his abilities, using the Redemption blade and every energy power he possessed. The effect was clear on Blockbuster, who was cut and burned but still full of fight and twice as angry.

Erik took a few great leaps back as he began to summon his power. Let's see how much fight he still had after this. His sword glowed as black energy exploded on his claws.

"My new move! EBONY AND IVORY BLAST!" Erik yelled, as he raised his weapons above him and slashed them out in opposite ways. Twin beams of energy flew from each weapon and combined into a twelve feet tall slash of energy that barreled at Blockbuster.

Had he charged, it might have been the end of him. But for once he had held back, and that gave him time to dodge. The blast flew past him, digging a huge furrow in the ground before it struck a warehouse, blowing it up in a powerful explosion. Blockbuster reeled as he was pelted with shrapnel, and then turned back to Vengeance.

Erik hadn't moved, indeed, he was crouched over, breathing heavily. He was strong, but he wasn't like the Z Warriors, and a blast that powerful drained him, at least in this form. 

Blockbuster charged, and Erik looked up as Blockbuster's bloody palm and fingers closed over his skull. Bellowing, Blockbuster lifted Erik up as he continued to run, planning to bring the vigilante down on his accursed head.

Only he was the one going down, as Erik grabbed his arm on the downward swing and used every ounce of his strength and momentum to flip Blockbuster over and slam him into the ground again. The concrete cracked and shattered at the massive impact. Then it cracked and shattered more as Blockbuster, who had managed to hold on to Erik's clothing, brought him down as well. Erik took most of the impact on his right (cybernetic) arm, but it still hurt like hell.

Blockbuster had taken the lesser impact and tried to punch Erik before he could rise to his feet. Erik rolled away, but his luck ran out as Blockbuster's fist came down on his right arm, pinning it to the ground and allowing Blockbuster to grab Erik with his other arm. Bellowing in fury, he swung and hurled Erik with all his might, sending him crashing through a pile of boxes and then into the girders Erik had threatened to drop on Mrs. Desmond, as the Redemption blade flew from his hands and clattered off into the darkness.

Erik tried to bring himself to his senses as Blockbuster stalked over to him. He'd been careless, and that last blow had hurt. He had to get his sword back. He thrust out his hand…

And Blockbuster's massive appendage closed over his arm. Blockbuster hit him hard, punching him across the face and then in the stomach, before a driving a massive knee into his torso. Finally, he brought Erik's body up and slammed it against the girders as hard as he could. He heard and felt a massive _CRACK._ HE grinned in grim satisfactions and hurled Erik away. He bounced off the ground a few times and finally came to a stop, his body shaking as he coughed up blood.

Blockbuster allowed himself a moment. He'd won, and he knew it. He'd felt the damn vigilante's spine break, and he knew what breaking bones felt like. Wiping blood from his face, he walked over to where Erik lay and picked him up, fastening him arms around him in an unbreakable grip. Erik's arms hung limply at his sides, unable to raise up and fight back. Blockbuster smiled through blood and broken teeth and began to squeeze.

"It took a long time, but I have decided on how I am going to kill you. Since you desired to crush my empire, I will simply crush you…slowly."

Erik groaned and coughed up more blood as Blockbuster increased the pressure.

"Where are your boastful taunts NOW, child? Have you anything to say to me now?"

Erik muttered something.

"What? What is it? The dead should get a last word." Blockbuster said, tilting his head in, being careful to avoid getting too close.

"…………………lollipop." Erik whispered.

Blockbuster's brow arched.

"Perhaps I have had my hearing injured, or you have simply lost your mind…but did you just call me a LOLLYPOP?"

"What…no…wrong word…"

And then every muscle in Erik's body tensed, and as Blockbuster realized that he still had control over all his limbs, white energy exploded on Erik's hands. His eyes cleared and he grinned.

__

"SUCKER."

And Erik thrust his arms up, aiming them at Blockbuster's face.

"LAST JUDGMENT!"

For a moment, Blockbuster could only marvel at the rather pretty color of Erik's second-most powerful attack as it stared him in the face, and then the giant blast exploded from his hands, enveloping Blockbuster. The docks echoed with his bellow of pain.

Erik and Blockbuster were consumed by a huge explosion of white energy, and as shrapnel blasted across the waters, two figures flew from it. Erik did a graceful back flip and a few somersaults as he landed on his feet, while Blockbuster simply came crashing down. Erik did a brief stretch as the explosion faded. A perfect result, if he said so himself. He cocked his head and looked at Blockbuster in some amazement. The man was actually trying to get to his feet.

"How…your back broke…I heard it…I felt it…" Blockbuster groaned. He had been in pain before, but never as much as he had just endured.

"It's not that hard when you have the right sound effects…and a flexible gel…to fake the sound and feel of a spine snapping. But unfortunately, you don't know that. Your loss."

The rage filled him again, and Blockbuster tried to get to his feet. Erik looked displeased, and began to summon his power again. The use of his second-deadliest attack had drained him, but he had enough left to finish Blockbuster, and that was what he was going to do. More energy, this time black, exploded on his hands.

"DEATH OF 1000 DEMONS!"

Erik thrust out his hands and black energy bolts began firing from his palms, dozens upon dozens of them. Blockbuster brows arched in alarm.

"Oh dear…" he said, and raised his arms in some kind of defense before the first of the blasts hit him. Explosions consumed him.

Erik kept firing, turning the area in front of him into an ever-increasing firestorm, firing blasts until all he could see was fiery destruction. Finally, he stopped, looking at the clouds of smoke, breathing heavily.

When it cleared Blockbuster was no longer standing. He was, however, still on his knees, his outfit in tatters and his body badly burned and cut. As bad as he looked, Blockbuster felt ten times worse. He felt like someone had thrown him into a blast furnace while beating on every inch of his body with sledgehammers. He tried to get to his feet, but his legs refused to let him stand.

Erik let out a short chuckled, and held out his hand. The Redemption sword slid across the ground and into his hand.

"Don't blame yourself for losing Blockbuster. After all I've seen and done…you're pretty much second string. But you fought well, and with a somewhat noble cause…I can respect that…" Erik said as he walked forward. Blockbuster barely paid any attention to him, as he tried to overcome the pain and get up. Erik frowned.

"Are you still trying to stand?"

And Erik let him have it, right in the center of his face with all the strength his cyborg arm possessed. Blockbuster toppled over, all the fight finally knocked out of him. Erik planted a foot on his massive chest and leaned over, looking into Blockbuster's face.

"This little game is over Blockbuster. But take heart, I believe you have suffered enough. Once you're gone, the underworld will be broken, and it will be simple for me to clean up. Then I can go home."

"What…are you…"

"My mother christened me Christopher Erik Damien Ravensky. People like you made me Vengeance. And now, it's time to die. My Redemption blade will expunge you, like you never existed. Nighty night, Rollie." Erik said, and raised his sword.

"ERIK! STOP!"

Erik was visibly jarred by the voice, as he snapped his head away from Blockbuster and towards it. His surprise faded, replaced by pleasure.

"Celeste! I didn't expect to see you here, although I'm not surprised. Paul and Laura send you to check up on me?"

"You might say that." Celeste said, as she stepped from where she had appeared over towards Erik.

"I see. Well, let me introduce you. Celeste, this is Roland Desmond, AKA Blockbuster. He's done some very bad things, and for that I'm going to kill him. Want to help?"

"Erik, no. You can't kill him."

"I can't?" Erik said, almost playfully. "Let's see. Arm still words, sword still here. YES I CAN!"

"ERIK, **_NO."_** Celeste said sternly. Erik lowered his sword again, looking at his wife in some confusion.

"Why not?"

"Erik, think. We vowed to protect innocent lives, and punish the guilty. You've gotten carried away. It's this town, I know. It's dirty, so filled with Corruption. I can see why you would lose yourself in it. But Erik, you can't kill him. This isn't our universe. It's his, and everyone else's. It has its own fate. We're foreigners, outsiders, interfering with that plan. By killing him, you may endanger millions of lives."

Erik looked a bit confused.

"Think, hero! If you kill him, then he won't beat someone he was supposed to. Hence, that man won't train harder to beat him in the rematch, and since he doesn't have that training, he'll lose a future battle, and that changes another thing, and that changes another thing…until you may very well be destroying the planet. He's Corrupt, I know…but for the sake of the Pure of this world, you can't."

Erik blinked, as if he was thinking it over. Then he brought up hand up to his face and grimaced.

"You're right…god this place…what was I thinking? I must have been out of my mind…I don't think without you, I just act… I was a fool…"

Some distance away, Phil's jaw was nearly on the ground. He couldn't believe it. After all they had been through, Celeste had talked Erik out of someone he had been trying to kill for days. He really did love her.

Erik spun the sword down and looked down at Blockbuster.

"Well Rollie, looks like you have been granted a miracle, from a most unlikely source. But heed my words. Remember this feeling, helpless and broken. Remember this loss. And know that this is your ultimate fate, no matter how hard you try to erect an empire. As smart as you are, you don't realize you can never win. The meek shall inherit the earth, your kind will just lie in it." Erik said. He spun on his heel and left Blockbuster on the ground, already forgetting him.

The rage burned in Blockbuster, overcoming the pain. He would not let it end like this! He would show that accused vigilante what it meant to be broken!

Erik walked up to Celeste and swept her up in his arms.

"Missed you raven."

"Missed you too hero." Celeste said, and kissed him, long and deep.

"Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. It wasn't even the Jedi and the Senshi and the future girls and the ever so abused and rakishly handsome Phil. 'Twas beauty that soothed the savage beast. Excuse me for a moment, BARRRRRFFFFFFF! BAAAAAAAAARRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!" Phil said, making fake puking noises.

"I think it's kind of sweet." said GoChibi. "They really do love each other.

"Crazy little things in love." Muttered Ralph. "OK, we may as well approach them."

Erik was still kissing his wife when they arrived. He broke it and stared at them, a wry look. For a moment Ralph was worried. What if he attacked again? Worse, what if his wife SIDED with him? Erik had been a big enough headache, he sure as heck didn't want to deal with…

"I had a feeling you people had a hand in this somehow." Erik said.

"Well your wife said it best. Now will you finally cease your mission and come with us?" Ralph said, asking nicely. Erik seemed to think it over.

"Nightwing is a true hero…I suppose he can take it from here…and I am tired. So very tired…" Erik said, relaxing a bit. Ralph felt great relief. He wasn't going to fight them.

"We must ask you surrender your sword." Phil said. "I know you don't like to…"

"Oh this? OK, take it." Erik said, and tossed it at Phil. Phil squawked and instinctively reached out to catch it. He caught it all right. Blade first. He waited for the pain and was surprised when it didn't come. He looked at his hand. No cut at all. The blade really didn't harm the good at heart. In fact holding it made Phil feel rather good.

"Can we go home now?' Omi complained. "This city smells."

"OK, OK." Ralph said, raising his watch.

And he saw Blockbuster, totally forgotten, raising the gun he had gotten from somewhere, aiming it right at Celeste. Ralph froze in place, analyzing the situation. Erik and Celeste didn't see it because they were looking at him. And his vision, almost forgotten, came roaring back as it finally made sense.

__

Blockbuster shoots Celeste to death. Erik goes completely mad, and Phil, and this city, and possibly this whole universe pays the price. NO!

Ralph thrust both of his hands out with such speed that he was concerned about dislocating his shoulders, lancing out with the Force in two different directions, knocking Blockbuster's arm up while simultaneously pushing Celeste away.

But not before Blockbuster had gotten one good shot off.

The bullet, so deadly for such a small and inconsequential seeming thing, lanced through the air. And Ralph realized just how hard fate is to stop when it slammed into Celeste's arm just below the shoulder, drilling through the flesh and nicking the bone, before it exploded out the other end and flew past Erik and into oblivion.

Blood splattered across Erik's surprised face.

Caught totally off guard, Celeste did what any normal human would do: she screamed. To Ralph, it sounded like a cat having its tail stepped on, a cry of sudden agony that filled your whole being and seemed to ask the world "What did I do to deserve this?" As she fell into Erik's arms, Ralph finished his Force push by knocking the gun out of Blockbuster's hands. But by then, that had ceased to be his concern. 

Ralph thought for a moment that even though Yoda said that "always in motion is the future," fate seemed to have a way of doing what it damned well pleased, despite your best efforts.

Erik slowly lowered his wife to the ground, his eyes never leaving her, as she groaned in pain.

"Erik…ow…"

Dark energy suddenly danced in Erik's eyes, and Ralph felt **_IT_**, a dark violent force that suddenly seemed to come exploding out of nowhere and wash over him, all cold and vicious, like a shark. It made the Dark Side of the Force seem absolutely bright and cheery by comparison.

__

He flipped when Phil stole his wedding ring and dissed Celeste. What's he going to do…when she's in pain?

Erik slowly rose to his feet and turned his furious eyes on Blockbuster, the dark energy going blood red.

"You…shot…my…**_RAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_**

The Redemption sword SHATTERED, the blade fragmenting into crystal shards in Phil's hands as he yelped in surprise. Erik threw back his head and screamed to the heavens, and then blood red energy exploded around him and consumed him in the fires of hell. The ground began to rumble, as the shards of crystal the Redemption sword had been turned night black and shot into the energy field that had engulfed Erik. The energy turned the same color and solidified around Erik, and then it snapped out as it formed into nigh-black metal wings.

Erik was now ever bigger then before, with night black metal forearms and hands, five foot blades jutting from his elbows, and most of all the huge metal wings on which blood red energy crackled. The same energy crackled in his now crimson pupils, the technology gone. The energy howled around him, like souls mourning his creation.

Redemption lived again.

"You…fool…Blockbuster." Erik hissed, his voice even nastier. "So, you want to play ROUGH?"

Erik held up one arm, and new claws snapped from it, even longer and nastier then the claws his cyborg arm had. The bloody red energy began to gather on it, even and more and more danced around Erik. Not surprisingly, none went near Celeste.

"WHAT…THE HELL!?!" Phil cursed, finally recovering from his surprise. He pulled out his Hero-Dex and scanned Erik's new body.

"Redemption. WARNING. WARNING. Subject is armed with unclassified power of ancient primordial destructive force. Limits: Unknown. Threat Level: 9 out of 10. SHIT! Erik only rated a 4 before!"

"You had a chance to walk away Blockbuster. Instead, you have proven the innate stupidity of your kind. Now…I will make you curse your mother for giving birth to you, and the Devil for granting you the wisdom to comprehend what I am about to do to you!" Erik snarled, and aimed his claw at Blockbuster, who looked rather worried at what he had created.

Phil rammed into Erik from the side, and the small blast Erik had begun to fire went wild and up into the air, coming back down into the harbor…

**__**

WHA-BA-BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The whole harbor was suddenly consumed in a gigantic expanding black energy explosion, the water vaporizing as it expanded out and back towards the docks. Phil recoiled and leapt back from the massive power surge. This wasn't Chi. This was worse.

"STOP!" Erik yelled as he thrust out his hand, and the explosion did just that, the energy dissipating and being absorbed back into Erik as he turned to face Phil. And he didn't look happy.

"You. You have interfered in my quest. You have caused me pain. But I can forgive that. But now…you insist on standing to protect the man who shot my wife? WHY?" 

"Because it's my job!" Phil said, striking a combat pose. Erik's features twisted into a look of pure rage.

"Then I owe you **_pain."_**

And Erik snapped out his claws, and red lightning shot from them and struck Phil. He screamed at the sudden burning as it wracked through his form.

"Phil/Father/Teacher!" the three young future girls said as they saw the man they all loved in a way get zapped. "GET HIM GIRLS!"

The three girls flew at Erik. His turned his head as he saw them coming.

"STAY OUT OF THIS CHILDREN!" Erik roared, as he reared back and slammed his fist into the ground. The three girls screamed as a massive explosion of power blasted out of the ground below them and everything around them in a hundred-foot radius. Phil saw this, and his anger exploded through him.

"YOU ASSHOLE! YOU SAY WHAT YOU SAY, AND THEN YOU DARE TO HARM INNOCENT CHILDREN?"

"That was Vengeance. I am Redemption. I destroy my enemies!"

Phil blasted at Erik…only to come to an abrupt halt three feet in front of him as burning energy tendrils exploded from the ground and wrapped around his feet.

"And if you stand to protect my enemy, YOU ARE MY ENEMY." Erik hissed, as he folded his arms. Then his wings suddenly twisted and began snapping out, striking Phil with lightning quick blows. Phil was racked by the strikes as they broke through his guard. _This is bad! Whatever restraint Erik had before just went out the window! Now he's striking at anyone he deems a threat…SHIT THIS HURTS!_

Erik raised one of his arms as four black balls of energy rose up around Phil, and then they closed in around him, exploding. Erik raised his other arm and a ball of energy three times their size appeared above his head. He threw it into the explosions and they multiplied tenfold, a bolt of black energy exploding into the sky. Ralph saw Phil's smoking form fly limply through the air and go crashing down through a warehouse. _GOOD LORD! How much power does that destructive force have if it can hurt Phil like that?_

Erik turned and focused his attention on Ralph and Ecks, and he gulped. _Enough to hurt me a lot more!_

"Ralph, what do we do?" Ecks said, clearly scared.

"We fight! We have to stop this crazy bastard before he levels the entire city!" Ralph said.

"Crazy bas…um Ralph, don't isspay off the uriousfay igilantevay armed with the rimordialpay orcefay of estructionday!" Ecks said.

"OOTAY ATELAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Erik bellowed, and started towards the two. 

"Stay back Ecks!" Ralph said as he unsheathed his lightsaber and ignited it. Trying to boost his confidence, he mumbled the Jedi Code to himself. "There is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no death, there is the Force." Ralph swung his lightsaber in a wide arc, hoping to catch him in the side of the head. Erik swung at the same time.

The blade suddenly cut out, and Ralph blinked in surprise. He opened his hand to find the hilt in three pieces. _Impossible…NO WAY! He didn't just somehow swing his claws through the gaps in my fingers!_

"You want force?" Erik said as he raised one hand. "THIS IS FORCE!"

Later, Ralph likened the experience to getting smacked with a giant pillow, as a tremendous impact from Erik suddenly sent him flying backwards like a shot. He used the Force to slow himself down and cushion his landing, but it still hurt.

Then Erik began firing after him, thin lasers, and Ralph was rocked by them as they struck him in the hands, chest, and finally the face, like Erik was slapping him around (again though, just impact, no burning and little pain).

"You know, as warriors, you Jedi are ALL WASHED UP!"

Another gigantic pillow strike. This time Ralph went into the harbor, skipping along the water a few times before he finally sank below. Erik turned his gaze to Ecks.

"You wanna try something, oh Innocent One?"

Ecks shook her head, terrified.

"Good." Erik said, and turned back to find Blockbuster. He took a few steps and then whirled, zapping the IRS Audit gun out of Ecks' hands.

"Oh no you don't." Erik said, and fired off another blast, blasting the Reality Checker on Ecks' side to scrap. He fired off another blast into the harbor, and Ralph yelped as the blast clipped him and destroyed his Reality Checker too. The girls weren't carrying any, and pretty much everything Phil had on him had been nuked when Erik had let him have it.

"Your know girl, bravery is just stupidity in dangerous situations." Erik said, and turned back to Blockbuster again.

Then the entire warehouse Phil was in exploded as he rose up in full SSJ Mode. He wiped blood from his mouth and spat.

"Oh, you have been asking for this FOR A LONG TIME!" Phil roared, and flew at Erik. Erik's wings snapped out and Erik himself was airborne, his power always crackling around him.

End Part 58


	59. The Worst Foe Lies Within The Self

Part 59

The Worst Foe Lies Within The Self

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Disclaimer: Most authors don't put disclaimers on their fics. You lawyers should be attacking them before you hit those of us who are more honest! So shoo, scat!

There were no words. No warnings, no attempts to dissuade the other from combat, no request of surrender. Both fighters realized that the other was unwilling or unable to change their point of view. The war of philosophies had ended, and was now a war of power versus power. And there would be blood.

Phil fired a bolt of Chi at Redemption, who batted it aside as casually as if it had been made of cotton. The blast was deflected out towards the docks at their feet. Chibi Ryoko barely had time to summon the Light Hawk Wings before everyone present was vaporized.

While Erik was concerned with the blast, Phil blurred behind him and placed a right hook into the middle of his back. The impact from the blow shook what remained of the ground below them, and shattered windows a mile away. Erik grunted slightly. Phil's eyes widened. _Shit! That was my best punch!_

With a speed that Phil would have had trouble matching at his peak, Erik spun around and drove his talons where Phil's torso had been a moment before. Now, Phil was flying up and towards the sea. _Have to get him away from the civilians…_

Suddenly, Erik was directly before Phil. Phil came to a halt, a look of shock and fear on his face. Erik's lips were in a feral grin. "Leaving so soon? The battle hasn't even begun in earnest yet."

Phil found himself on the defensive, struggling to block ever punch and kick. This was beyond even his Super Saiyan abilities, and after a few seconds, his jaw was given a rude introduction to Erik's right foot. Phil was concerned that he would break the sound barrier as he zoomed towards the ground. He struggled to slow his descent, but didn't seem to be making any progress. Then, the air rushed from his lungs as he hit a solid object. It wasn't as hard as the pavement and it let out an "oof" as they collided. He also felt strong, if small, arms supporting him.

Phil shook his head, attempting to clear his mind. "What the…" He looked over his shoulder, and saw Chibi Ryoko. "Thanks for the save." He disengaged himself from her grip.

The young girl grimaced for a moment. In an explosion of yellow light, she enacted her own Super Saiyan transformation. 

This proved to be quite opportune, as Erik swooped down a moment later, placing his metal fist directly between her eyes. Had she been in her normal state, her head would have been ripped from her shoulders. As it was, Phil saw a large and ugly bruise form on her forehead even as she flew towards the ground. There was a loud crash, then an equally noisy splash, as she flew through a pier and into the water below. 

"No!" Phil was about to fly down to help his pupil, but Erik blurred in front of him, blocking his path. Phil thrust his hands at Erik. "FINAL FLASH!" The massive bolt of golden energy washed over Erik, obscuring him from view. When Phil ceased his assault, his eyes widened. Erik had absorbed the damage with casual ease. He didn't even look like he had noticed the attack! 

Erik cocked his head in a gesture eerily reminiscent of his wife and looked at Phil.

"What is wrong with you? Why do you, a Pure soul, fight so hard to protect those who have earned hideous death for their atrocities? I just don't…of course. This city. It is worse then I thought. It is not filled with evil people. It IS evil, a festering sore that taints and corrupts even the Pure into fighting for it. I cannot stand for this! I MUST DESTROY IT!!!!!!!"

As Phil floated in midair in stunned amazement at Erik's supposed "revelation", Erik took advantage of the lapse in control. Phil barely had time to block the right hook. He took the blow with his left arm. He exhaled sharply as the limb cracked. _Isn't broken, but it sure as hell hurts! _

Erik began another series of punches, kicks and slashes from his wings. Phil was having even less success than before. What galled him was that Erik was idly chatting with him.

"I've always been curious; shouldn't an attack named 'Final Flash' be some kind of finishing move? Or at least, it should hurt a little bit more than that."

"You want pain?" said a voice that sounded like two girls speaking at one. "I'm more than happy to oblige!" A small form appeared between Phil and Erik. She was a little over five feet tall, and looked somewhat deformed. She lacked any eyebrows, and where they should have been extended several inches from her skull. Also, her hair extended down to her feet. The demonic figure was subjected to a one-two combo, followed up by a spinning kick that caught him in the right temple. He flew a good distance through the air before he managed to catch himself. 

Erik shook his head. "What the…" Whatever had just hit him possessed a great strength.

Phil was taking a quick breather as Omigo pressed the attack. He wasn't quite sure when they had worked their way to SSJ3, but he wasn't complaining. 

Erik thrust his hands at Omigo. "Insanity Light!" The Fusion Girl swerved to avoid the attack, and summoned a massive Chi bolt. 

With a grin on her face, she yelled, "Candygram for Mr. Mongo!" 

As the ball flew towards Erik, he muttered, "Aw, how cute. You snuck out and saw Blazing Saddles too." He threw his arms up, firing a smaller bolt of blood red energy into the massive sphere. "Return to sender."

Erik's attack had his Omigo's blast at such an angle the blast was redirected towards Omigo. She didn't seem to be concerned in the slightest. This idea was reinforced by the fact that she was filing her nails. 

At the absolute last moment, she seemed to finally notice the sphere of energy. Although the attack had enough power to vaporize a continent, she batted it away without a second look. The blue energy dissipated before it left the atmosphere.

Omigo adopted a hurt look. "What? I went to all of that effort to make that attack for you, and you just send it back? Well how about this one?" She assumed a crouching position and cupped her hands as a bright blue aura flared to life around her. "KA… ME…"

As the fused girl powered up her attack, Erik did the same thing. Except that he was faster on the draw, so to speak. "BURNING MISERY!" The red and black bolt flew out, striking…

Thin air, as Omigo blurred behind him. She slapped him lightly across the face. "Psych! Like I'd really leave myself that open."

Erik blurred from sight, and reappeared in front of Omigo, slashing down with his right hand talons. "LET'S FIND OUT WHICH IS YOUR BETTER SIDE!"

There was a VOOSH-HUMMMMM, and Erik found that his slash had been blocked by a yellow lightsaber blade. Omigo smirked. "Well, I've always been partial to my left, but I'm just so darned adorable it's hard to decide." She blurred away, placing her lightsaber in its proper place. Erik, who had still been applying force to the lightsaber's blade, was suddenly thrown off balance as all resistance to his blow ceased. 

Omigo took advantage of this momentary weakness by flying forward at high speed in a classic Superman pose, catching him in the gut with both fists. Erik only took a moment to recover, then grabbed her by the shoulder, intent on flipping her away.

Omigo proved to be faster, halting her velocity while wriggling out of his grasp. She squealed, "Eek! That pedophile actually touched me!"

Before Erik could respond to the accusation or the attack, she had lashed out with a one-two combo followed by a double-handed blow to the top of his head that sent him flying towards the sea. Even as he was in mid-flight, Omigo thrust her hands forward. "Masenko!" A massive bolt of yellow energy followed the demonic figure through his descents, catching up with him before he hit the water. A bright flash filled the air, and several million gallons of seawater and a good chunk of the continental shelf were reduced to their component atoms. A great spout of water, taller than Bludhaven's skyscrapers, was forced towards the heavens by the explosion, then fell back to Earth to fill the new gap in the ocean.

Omigo didn't seem the slightest bit impressed by the display of raw power. She was currently looking at her watch. "5… 4… 3… 2…"

That was when a massive column of black energy exploded from the ocean below. Omigo blurred away to escape Erik as he flew straight through her afterimage. She reappeared, flying alongside him as he struggled to disperse the inertia he had built up. "Hmmm. Either you're tougher than I thought, or my watch is a second too slow." That was when Erik managed to come to a complete stop. She matched his maneuver.

Erik lashed out with his wings, intent on eviscerating the annoyance so that he could return to his proper target, i.e. Blockbuster. She danced around the attack, blurred behind him and boxed his ears. As his eardrums popped, Erik cried out. "Damn you! DIE!" He lashed out with a complicated series of punches, kicks and slashes. Omigo dodged every one of them as if he moving in slow motion.

Omigo's face darkened. "Looks like your ears aren't so damned invulnerable either, murderer." For that statement, the voice had only been Omi's. Suddenly, the cocky _expression returned. The sound of two talking in unison returned. "My, you're as powerful as all get out, but you're slower than molasses. Not overly bright, either."

Erik halted. "What?"

Omigo's mouth twisted into a predatory grin. "Haven't you been wondering where Phil's been?" She mouthed, "Behind you," and pointed over his shoulder.

Where Phil was floating, holding an incredibly large Spirit Bomb over his head. "Even though Omigo said it just a second ago, it needs to be repeated." He went into his windup. "CANDYGRAM FOR MR. MONGO!!!"

Redemption blinked. "Oh shit."

And then Omigo rammed into him from behind, sending him flying forward as Phil hurled the Spirit Bomb forward. As the two collided, Phil jerked the massive ball of energy upward as high as he could before it detonated. Even so, the explosion was so massive it nearly knocked the entire decrepit city of Bludhaven to the ground, and hurled Phil and Omigo backwards.

When the power finally faded, Phil and Omigo flew up to see what had happened, and through the trail they found, followed the result down to the ground: a seeming piece of smoking black metal.

Redemption unwrapped his wings from around him, trying to keep his feet steady. His eyes crackled with blood-red energy.

"THAT…HURT." He snarled, and reared back…

And then Omigo flew into him, driving her feet into his face so hard it sounded like a thunderclap and sent Redemption blasting and tumbling backwards across the docks.

"That hurt more." Omigo said.

Erik didn't hear her retort, as he was currently busy skipping along the water like a well placed rock. At his current velocity, each slam into the water was equivalent to hitting cement. After flying nearly a kilometer, Erik managed to halt his momentum. He snarled, whipping a trickle of blood from his mouth. 

Before he could recover, Phil blurred in front of him, with Omigo slightly to his left. Phil smirked in a very arrogant and annoying fashion. Although Erik was too angry to notice, Phil had shifted from his Super Saiyan state, and was now surrounded by a red aura. "Had enough yet?"

"INSANITY LIGHT!!!!" A massive beam of red light flew out, exploding far out at sea. The light from the attack was visible miles away, and seismographs across the Earth suddenly detected a tremor running through the tectonic plates. 

Phil dodged around the assault, blurred in and planted his fist into Erik's gut. He let out a "woof!" noise as the air left his lungs. The demonic figure lashed out with his claws, which Phil agilely ducked under, and then caught him across the face with an old fashioned one-two combo. Finally, Phil blurred behind Erik and brought both of his fists down on top of his head with a resounding CRACK.

Erik flew down below the waves again. Phil looked to his companion. "How much you want to bet he isn't unconscious?" 

That was when Erik burst from the ocean, sending water in all directions. Phil somehow managed to avoid triggering his curse. As the Redemption flew from the watery confines of the sea, he let out a cry of frustration, letting loose twin bolts of energy. Phil and Omigo danced around the bolts, but it became obvious that the attacks were meant more to distract than to kill. Erik had bigger plans, from the looks of it. He had his fists clenched, and had his head resting in his chest, as if in deep concentration. 

"C'mon Phil! We can beat this lunatic! Let's end this thing!" Omigo called, as if she was trying to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A low chuckle came from Erik.

"End this thing…?"

Then, Erik's head suddenly snapped up, and he smiled through bloody teeth.

"I AM THE END OF **ALL** THINGS."

And Erik cocked back his head and laughed as red lightning crackled on his form and suddenly exploded around him. Phil and Omigo were suddenly blown backwards and away as a giant dome of red and black power radiated away from Redemption, and then swirled back into his form.

Erik's two wings had become four, and sharp black metal armor that had formed down his spine ended in a snapping metal tail. Every blade he had before had seemed to have grown sharper and barbed, with metal points even extending from the ends of his waist length blood-red hair. Erik had called upon the full extent of the dark force that lived within him, and had become the ultimate Angel of Death. Omni-Redemption.

Red lightning crackled and lashed out, massive bolts that raked through the air, boiled massive amounts of water in the harbor and tore huge channels along the ground. 

Ralph wasn't sure how to feel. On one hand, he had managed to swim back to shore before Erik had transformed, thus keeping him safe from most of the power that was coming off Erik. On the other hand, the darkness that he felt in the air almost made him consider going crazy so he wouldn't have to deal with it. And the docks weren't that stable either, as he struggled to keep his feet as he tried to get another Hero-Dex reading.

"Omni-Redemption. The epitome of the dark force Erik commands. Threat level…"

There was no number. Instead, the screen filled with one flashing word.

DEADLY.

"Suggested course of action?" Ralph said.

Three new words appeared.

RUN LIKE HELL.

Phil, who had landed on what little remained of the docks, lay there and muttered to himself, "Of course he has another level. They ALWAYS have another level." Although he was still groggy from Erik's powerup sequence, he leapt to his feet and pumped up the Mystical Powerup to its maximum level. He looked sideways at Ralph. "Get the hell out of here. Take Celeste and Ecks with you. And try to find Chibi Ryoko; she went down pretty hard. We'll hold him off." 

Ralph nodded. "Just watch yourself. And hurry up before he brings the Justice League running!"

"Wouldn't that be a good thing?"

"Yes, in the way that Superman could probably pound him into submission. Bad because he could very well kill some of the others before Supes did manage that! HURRY!"

Phil rolled his eyes. "Yes, mother. Don't worry 'bout this. I eat Archdemons for breakfast." Then, with a burst of light and a loud cracking noise, he was once again airborne

Of course, this bravado was completely unfounded. In reality, he was scared shitless. Erik's aura had been intimidating enough, the sheer bleakness of it telling every instinct in his body to run. However, the darkness of this new form's energy made the previous incarnation look like a spotlight.

However, Phil continued his flight, heading directly for Erik.

Omigo went through a similar process. The difference was that she had gotten there first.

Omigo gave a battle cry, attempting to drown out her fear with the noise. Her right fist connected with Omni-Redemption's solar plexus. A quiet grunt was the only response. What's more, her hand felt like it was on fire. "Auugh! What the hell?"

Omni-Redemption smirked. "That's pretty much it, actually." With Omigo still distracted by the unexpected pain, she was left completely open for what came next.

Erik's claws slashed out, slashing across Omigo. He slashed again and again, burning blows that rocked her. After eight or so slashes Erik reared back both his hands and placed them on Omigo. She blinked for a moment, and then Erik detonated a massive surge of power on them at point blank range.

"OMIGO!!!" Screamed Phil, as she flew up out of the explosion, covered in black fire. Erik's left arm slashed out and a burning brand of red energy lashed out and caught Omigo in mid-air. Erik then slashed out his right arm and caught Omigo with another burning red slash of destruction power, and then reared back and slammed his arms out and down. A geyser of black fire blasted upward from Erik's feet and caught Omigo, blowing her up in a spectacular final explosion. 

"NO!" Phil somehow found more speed to call upon, and blurred into sight directly below the blast. As he had predicted, as the smoke cleared, Omigo fell from the sky, as gravity finally caught up with the fusion girl. He used a bit of Force to slow her fall, and caught her. He immediately placed a hand to her neck, and was relieved to feel a pulse, albeit a weak one.

That was when Erik blurred in from above, talons slashing down. Phil barely managed to dodge the assault in time, and the barrage of slashes that followed it. Phil judged that Erik's transformation had decreased his speed considerably in exchange for raw power. Unlike Future Trunks, this was not much of a liability, especially since Phil had to avoid dropping the wounded Omigo. 

As he attempted to avoid the furious fusillade of slashes, Phil spat, "You bastard! You blab on about the importance of innocence and purity, then you deliberately attack a wounded party!"

"Once again, you're thinking of Vengeance. Besides, I warned you to stop annoying me. Repeatedly. Yet, you kept pushing. Now you've earned the ire of one who wields a power normally reserved for gods. And gods play for keeps." To emphasize his point, he lashed out with the previously unused tail. Phil was able to avoid having the tender flesh of his neck ripped to shreds, but was unable to keep Omigo safe. The metallic teeth of the appendage bit down, almost penetrating Omigo's armor.

Almost, because at the crucial moment before the compound shattered and left the vulnerable flesh open to attack, a bolt of yellow energy lashed out, striking Erik in the chest. He flinched slightly, more due to the unexpected nature of the attack than any damage. His tail disengaged in a reflexive response, though the teeth did rip fairly deep furrows in Omigo's flesh. The unconscious girl gave a pained cry as her blood flowed freely, falling through open space to be absorbed by the ocean far below.

Erik spun about, searching for the source of the attack. "WHO DARES?!" His aura grew larger, fed by his rage.

And there floated Chibi Ryoko. However, she looked significantly worse for wear. Her clothes were ripped in several places, and the large bruise in the middle of her forehead had turned a very nasty shade of purple. The rest of her face contorted into a mask of pain, and she was currently squinting through one eye. Also, despite the relatively low energy requirements of her last attack, she was visibly panting as her body attempted to force oxygen to her exhausted muscles. Also worth noting was that she had summoned neither the Light Hawk Wings nor her Super Saiyan powers.

Phil's eyes widened. _What the hell is she doing!? Attacking Eric without any of her extra powers is suicide! _Then, looking again at the pained look on face, it occurred to him. _That punch must've given her a concussion or something! She can't concentrate enough to transform._

Such thoughts didn't enter Erik's mind. His only consideration was that one of his opponents was significantly weakened, and could be dealt with easily, thus making his mission much easier. He drew back slightly, then dove straight at the future girl.

Phil blurred directly on top of Erik, still holding Omigo. He landed atop the uber-demon, planting both of his feet in his back. His legs burned slightly, but he managed to force the pain from his mind. Although it was insufficient to halt his momentum, he deflected Erik enough to force him away from his target.

Erik opted for a more direct approach this time, sacrificing the novelty of the dive-bombing attack for less travel time. He blurred directly behind Chibi Ryoko, intent on running her through with his talons. 

And was surprised to find that she had enough strength and focus left to keep him in front of her. She placed her hands in opposite from each other, the fingers spread apart. "SOLAR FLARE!" She winced, not being in a state that was assisted by loud noises. 

Erik snarled and lashed out with his claws in an attempt to eviscerate the girl. But fate, or rather, Phil intervened. He flew from above and grabbed her, pulling her out of combat altogether. He concentrated his Chi into his eyes, launching twin beams of red energy at Erik. The bolts were enough to through him off-guard for a few seconds longer.

A few seconds was all he needed. He somehow managed to maneuver his hand to his forehead, allowing him to perform the Instant Transmission. He ended up next to Ralph. He tossed his charges to the ground and spun around, facing towards where he had left Erik, ready for a renewed assault. Chancing a look over his shoulder, Phil yelled, "I SAID GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, JEDI-BOY!"

Ralph retorted, "HOW? That nutcase fragged all of our equipment!"

Phil, seeing that Erik wasn't coming back any time soon, queried, "How's Celeste? She may be our only chance at stopping this thing."

Ralph was currently kneeling over Celeste's battered form. Ralph had evidently removed his cloak and laid her upon it. There was a brownish stain of blood near her wounded shoulder, but it seemed to be drying out. Also, no new blood was flowing. "Jedi healing and a couple of light spells I know managed to close the wound, but I can't do anything too fancy. Haven't memorized which muscles connect to which bone and nerve. Can't wake her up till I do that, since the shock might outright kill her. She's going to need a good dunk in a Bacta tank regardless."

Phil noticed that Ecks was also lying on a blanket that Ralph had summoned. She had a bandage over her forehead, which also sported a blood stain. Ralph sighed. "Took a bit of shrapnel from something destroyed by one of those massive Chi bolts you guys were flinging around. It was an easier job than Celeste, but she's out for a bit."

Phil nodded, understanding the implications. There was no way out. No backup was likely to come anytime soon. His team was down, and there were no senzu beans, which meant no easy healing. Ralph would be stuck playing medic.

He was on his own.

Phil placed his index and middle fingers to his forehead again. "Do what you can Ralph." Before the Jedi could protest, Phil had teleported several miles away, back to where he had left Erik.

Only to find Erik wasn't there any more. Suddenly, Phil realized what had been the whole point of attacking him, forgotten in the heat of battle.

"Oh no."

Roland Desmond had no idea what was going on. He had shot the girl, and then that blasted vigilante had…well, it was as if hell had come to the surface of the earth. Fortunately, those strangers had attacked him, and he was going to make sure he got away. Except getting away was pretty damn difficult with all the power that was being thrown around. A break had finally come, and he was running for the city, and hopefully safety as well.

Then suddenly the monstrous metal creature the vigilante had become was floating in front of him, and Blockbuster realized there was no safety, in Bludhaven or otherwise.

"Hello Rollie." Erik whispered. Blockbuster stopped dead and took a step back. Erik smirked. "So, you can still feel fear. I guess for your chemical strength and Faustian intelligence, you're still all too human."

"What the devil ARE you?"

"Something the devil you gave your soul too would flee from in total terror. I am a force that is older then life, older then memory, perhaps older then time itself. Evil like you awoke the force in me. And evil like you let me control it. I am the crop your deeds sow…and I am the blight that will destroy you and all like you. I am one with a force that has no name. I am the angel of death. I am…well, there's no point in going on. You're going to die in horrendous agony for hurting my wife now Rollie. BYE BYE!" Redemption said, and raised his arm.

And then Blockbuster was flying away with a yell of pain. Omni-Redemption arched his brow. _What just happened?_

"I figured hitting you wouldn't stop you in time, so I hit him. Far away."

Omni-Redemption spun around, even as Phil pointed the hand at Erik. "Special Beam Cannon!" Twin beams of energy, one heading in a linear direction, the other corkscrewing about the other, flew out. They struck dead center, catching Erik in his torso. 

Erik grunted slightly, then blurred behind Phil, slashing down with his right hand. The massive talons passed through thin air as Phil performed a similar maneuver. The difference was that Erik didn't dodge Phil's kick. 

Erik went flying for a fairly long time before he halted himself. By this time, Phil was on him again, fists flying. Erik was the one on the defensive this time, and unlike before most of Phil's attacks struck home. Phil finished the barrage with a solid kick to the gut. 

Erik was sent flying upward by the assault. Phil blurred directly before him and thrust his hands towards Erik. "Mouko Takabisha!" A bolt of yellow energy flew down, engulfing the demonic figure. A massive explosion filled the air, and the ocean far below parted slightly from the impact. 

Phil panted slightly from the exertions of his attack. As the smoke cleared, it quickly became obvious that Erik had survived the attack. What's more, it was as if the assault had never happened. With a bemused look on his face, Erik said, "That's odd. My very touch should have been agony. However did you manage to overcome that?"

It was Phil's turn to smirk. "Your touch didn't hurt because I didn't touch you. I surrounded myself with a small scale force field. It protected me, while probably making my punches harder." Meanwhile, Phil was thinking that it was nice to have finally found a use for those idle Juraian powers.

Erik nodded. "Impressive. Most impressive."

Phil shrugged. "But I'm not a Jedi yet." With that, Phil unsheathed the lightsaber from its holster, which had somehow managed to survive Erik's initial assault. He activated the saber, and a sulfurous yellow blade of energy sprang to life. "Yet I still get to play with their toys."

With that, the combatants went back to work. Phil was again on the offensive, the yellow blade of his slashing lightsaber contrasting with the black and red energies that surrounded Erik. Each worked to find some flaw or weakness in their opponent's attack, but such a weakness was not forthcoming. Thus, the stalemate between claw and saber continued.

From his vantage point below, Ralph thought that the warriors to be not so much physical beings as forces of nature, manifested by flashes of yellow and red light. For several seconds, each strike of red was matched by a bright flash of yellow. However, Ralph noted that the yellow flashes were becoming fewer and fewer. Finally, there was a small burst of light, and a small, glinting object fell to the ground at Ralph's feet. A quick inspection revealed the nature of the item.

It was the tip of Phil's lightsaber.

Quote Ralph: "Aw shit!"

Phil was thinking much the same thing. He dropped the useless remains of his lightsaber, summoned the force field around himself again and tried to wipe the smug smirk from Erik's face with a right hook. 

Phil's shock was enormous when the energy field simply shattered when it came into contact with Erik. That shock caused him into inactivity for a single second.

And that was all the Erik needed. His left arm blurred, trailing red energy to mark its flight path. Phil was unable to do more than prevent the strike from decapitating him.

The sharp claws bit into Phil's chest and neck, even as Erik's horrendous power burned him.

"Why don't you understand? I am destruction itself. No one can stand before me, much less you. Now why don't you just lie down and let me destroy this city. No. On second thought, resist more. It'll be far more fun."

"YOU IDIOT! Don't you realize what you're doing?"

"I'm doing what I was born to do."

"Does that include endangering your wife?"

Erik was silent.

"That's right! Your wife! You turned into…_this…_because she got hurt…yet you didn't help her, you just endangered her more! You destroyed our healing agents, our transportation methods, everything that we could have used to get her help quickly! You blast the only guy who can help her into the water, at very high risk of killing him in the process, and then you start tossing around destructive forces like they were pennies! You're more of a danger to your wife then Blockbuster ever was!"

The look for a few more seconds, and then the last thing that Phil expected to happen did: Erik _smiled._

"What makes you think I care about that pathetic little girl, when I…"

Phil blinked as the voice trailed off. It was Erik's, but it also…_wasn't._ There was a dark, violent undertone that wasn't there before, more inhuman and alien then anything Erik could have mustered. Indeed, Erik actually looked confused, as if he was wondering how he spoken that way.

That was all the time Phil needed, as he pulled himself backwards and thrust out his hands.

"KAMEHAMEHA!!!" Erik was forced from his musings as he detected the massive burst of energy. He analyzed the attack for a split second, and the look on his face was indecisive as he briefly contemplated the pros and cons of a counterattack or block. At the last possible moment, he decided to just weather the storm. 

The bolt struck, and once again, the earth below shook again and was the victim of a massive tidal wave from the water displaced by the shockwave. After using a good dose of his flight power to keep from being swept away by the blast, Phil gasped for breath as the smoke cleared.

Erik didn't even have a hair out of place.

"What the hell was that?" he taunted, and knocked Phil from the sky with a punch that seemed almost… lazy. As if he were a cat toying with prey that was as good as caught.*

Phil hit the ground, bouncing across it a few times before coming to a stop. He let out a roar and blasted back up, heading for Erik. Erik took the punch on one of his wings and absorbed the rest using them and his face. Not getting anywhere, Phil blasted back and let Erik have it with a barrage of ki bolts, throwing thousands of projectiles that could have each taken out a skyscraper.

It didn't do a damn thing, as Erik flew out of the explosion and blasted Phil with a burning punch. He slashed Phil across the chest and face with his claws and tail, kneed him in the gut, and then reared back and clamed his burning hand over Phil's face, shoving him downward and into the ground. His hand glowed and then Erik literally blew himself out of the hole as he detonated a massive surge of power.

Erik slowly landed on a shard of rock that was pointing of the ocean. A few seconds later Phil managed to track himself out of the hole. He was now officially a bloody mess.

"Do you have anything with a little more "Ommpphhh?" Or do I have to just kill you right now?" Erik taunted.

Phil's aura instantly flared, taking on a dark purple hue. He brought him hands together, forming a sphere of power that surpassed his Spirit Bomb in pure size. As he powered up the attack, bits of rubble and debris lifted into the air, and the water far below Phil's feet parted in a very biblical fashion.

Into the ball itself went every ounce of hatred, depression and anguish he could muster. Hatred from his vast stores of loathing, both of himself for his many failures and of those who had toyed with him as a mere plaything for so long. Depression springing from how little control he possessed over his own life, despite the fact that he was the bleeding King-designate of England and one of the strongest men alive. And anguish in the form of that deep seated pessimism that said that it would never get any better. And the truly depressing thing was that it had been right all those years.

All these went into Phil's attack. He cried out, "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! PERFECT SHI SHI HOUKOU DAN!"

And thus did the attack of emotional pain fly downwards towards Erik. Even the dark force that inhabited Erik was given a slight pause by the sheer power of the assault. 

And then it struck. The purple beam of energy struck the demonic figure, who interrupted its path as well as a tin can stops a speeding train. Both Erik and the Shi Shi Houkou Dan drilled deep into the Earth's crust, causing yet another earthquake, this one of a magnitude rarely surpassed in the time of humankind. The water struck by the beam was instantly evaporated, and in some places split into its component atoms. The ocean in the vicinity of the strike boiled even as it flew away from the hole, sending another tidal wave towards the beleaguered shore. Then, as suddenly as it had begun, the assault stopped. In a few moments, water was already flowing in to fill the hole. 

Ralph slowly got to his feet, as he dissipated the Force Bubble he had used. The shock had awakened the various future girls, who were raising themselves up on elbows, muttering about the weirdest dream that they had just had.

"Do you think…that did it?" Ecks said.

"No."

Ralph and Ecks turned at the sudden voice, as Celeste dragged herself to her feet, clutching her shoulder.

"Celeste! Don't get up, you're…!"

"I've been shot through the heart Ralph. This caught me off guard. I can live with it. But there's something that has to be done, or we won't be living much longer."

"What? Your husband…"

"That's not my husband!"

Ralph could only stare.

"Even as Redemption…even at the peak of his power…my husband would never do anything that would endanger innocent lives. Including destroying an entire city. Which is why I know something's wrong, and it's the key to this whole mess. We've been manipulated like puppets, and if we don't do something quickly, our strings will be cut."

"What? Huh?"

"Tell me Ralph, do you know where the Redemption power comes from?"

"Uh…something about a dark force…"

"That's right. In my universe, in maybe all of them, this force somehow began to manifest itself in humans. I don't know where it came from, why it decided to do that, and all that…but it did. But you see, the force was too strong for most mortals. If it tried to manifest itself in a man, the body would be destroyed. Instead, the force worked on their minds, filled the men with evil that ravaged the world."

"Hitler?"

"Among many other infamous men and women. My husband was the latest…but he was different. You see, Vagane somehow learned of the force, found it in Erik, and decided to make Erik strong enough so the force could awaken without destroying Erik. That's why he turned him into a cyborg, and why he tortured him so badly. So Erik's mind would break, so the force would have an easier vessel to inhabit. When Erik rebelled, Vagane tried it again years later…by killing me…well, sort of. In any case, it worked. My husband opened himself to the force…but Vagane, and it, gravely underestimated his strength. What was supposed to happen was for the force to destroy Erik's mind and transform his body into the form you see. But Erik resisted, fought the force, and he defeated it, casting it back and stealing its power for himself. He used it to gain revenge…still does. But you see. The force in Erik was not destroyed. It was defeated…but it lives in him still. That is why becoming Redemption is such a risk, why using the full power, Omni-Redemption, even more so, because Erik opens himself to the force, risks his mind and soul…leaves a possibility that the force could attack again, and this time win. It would destroy Erik from within, and then it would use it's beyond ancient power on this world and all it could find, to do the only thing it knows: destroy. But my husband thought he had it under control…I looks like he was wrong."

"He's…?"

"Not yet. But it's happening, and this time he doesn't even realize it. Damn this city! This city was the fucking catalyst! Paul and Laura didn't know, they just sent Erik because he was the best trained in survival skills…and Erik found this. The force must have seen an opening…it's been working on him ever since, slowly making him shun his own personal code…if he…"

****

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Erik exploded from beneath the waters, his aura expanded and filling the sky, as blood-red energy filled his eyes.

And Phil's shoulders slumped as the realization hit him: he'd failed again.

And this time, he wouldn't survive to berate himself.

"DAMN YOU! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! I'LL TURN YOU AND THIS ACCUSED CITY AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO OPPOSES ME INTO ASH!!!!!!!!!"

And then Erik raised his arms, holding them out, and then the ocean below him exploded away, vaporizing as the ground shattered and massive plumes of lava exploded from beneath him. The sky filled with black clouds that swirled around Erik. Even from the distance he was, the city of Bludhaven suddenly began to break apart, pieces of it rising up and disintegrating as power gathered around Erik.

Celeste's eyes filled with fear.

"Oh shit! He's going to use Oblivion!"

"Use WHAT?" Ralph cursed, as the forces rising from the ground and pulsing from the sky kept trying to pick him up and knock him down simultaneously. 

"Men. They always need something that goes BOOM! Even bigger then their best BOOM! My husband developed the attack in VR training…I never thought he'd actually use it! Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, if Erik uses this attack, the battle will be over. He'll go back to his previous form and go into a coma for several days."

"Oh really. What's the bad news?"

"The battle will be OVER: Oblivion hits with the impact of 15 million tons of TNT."

"FIFTEEN MILL…!!!!!! THAT'S ENOUGH TO BLOW UP THE EARTH!" Ralph screamed.

"No, actually, you'd need something in the ballpark of a billion billion MEGA-tons of TNT to do that." Celeste intoned. "But don't worry about that. He's not aiming to destroy a planet, just your friend. Which means he'll only atomize Phil, the girls, you, me, Ecks, this city, and everything in a 10 mile radius. No, make that 15." 

There were flashes of yellow and red as the future girls called upon their last reserves of energy.

Ralph turned and sent a frantic command to Phil and the girls: Do whatever you have to, just stop him! 

The quartet of warriors were more than happy to oblige. In almost perfect unison, the four crouched in their various positions, each summoning a bright ball of blue energy, filling it to the brim with their remaining strength, and letting fly with enough energy to vaporize a small solar system.

****

"KAMEHAMEHA!!!" If the Earth had quaked under the power of the previous attacks, now it shook like a bowl full of jelly. There was, however, nothing jolly about the sheer amount of Chi raining down upon one spot. The four bolts of energy struck at almost exactly the same moment. 

The quartet of Kamehameha waves seemed to merge into one, filling the air around Erik with a brilliant blue ball of life force. After a fraction of a second, the ball lost all cohesion, and let all of its energy free. 

Initially, the light was too bright to bear looking to see if Erik had survived the assault. The shockwave, however, was more than sufficient to occupy their attention. Record breaking tidal waves pummeled what remained of the docks, washing it out to sea. The land past the normal beach was warped into the shape of an impact crater. 

As this final titanic blast dissipated, it became obvious that once again the Grim Reaper was to be cheated Erik's soul that day. It appeared that the combined attack hadn't even impeded his progress in charging Oblivion.

Floating above the waves was a ball of swirling red energy. Within that force field, Ralph and Ecks looked on with horror and dismay. Celeste looked on with a look of apparent boredom, as if she had already known the outcome.

Ralph floated them to the nearest spot of stable ground and released his hold on the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak. 

Celeste continued her lecture as if nothing had happened. Which, as far as any effect on the outcome, it hadn't. "If my husband does this, it'll be over. He'll realize what he's become…and that'll be it. The force will take over. It'll wipe out any trace of Christopher Erik Damien Ravensky. Then I'll be free to vent its wrath on everything that offends it. And that's anything alive." Celeste said.

"Any ideas Ecks?"

"Pray?"

"There's one thing we can do: get me up there." Celeste said. Ralph turned and for the millionth time wondered if Celeste was crazy.

"And how, pray tell, are you going to get through that makeshift shield he's throw up, even if we COULD somehow get you up there?"

"The force is becoming more and more dominant, but Erik is still there. And he knows how destructive his power can be, so it has one lone weakness: It can't touch me. Literally. Erik spent more time on developing that aspect of it than anything else. Notice how none of those lightning bolts went near me when he transformed? The power literally can't touch me. Now get me up there before he uses Oblivion! That attack will come from the force, and it has no love for me!"

Before any of those below could respond, Phil blurred in behind Celeste, lifting her into a well supported hold in one swift motion. He then proceeded to fly forward at maximum speed. 

Celeste sputtered, "What the hell?"

Phil looked grimly at the crusader turned butcher above their heads. "Saiyan hearing. Caught what you were saying, decided it was our last hope. Sorry to be so abrupt, but we don't have any time for pleasantries." 

As he flew upwards, both Phil and Celeste noticed that his progress was becoming slower and slower, as waves of energy did their best to bat the Physics Policeman and his passenger from the air. Finally, they reached a point where Phil was forced to use much of his dwindling Chi reserves just to combat the waves of force. Erik was still beyond their reach hundreds of feet above. "Can't get any further. I don't suppose you can jump a hundred vertical feet, can you?"

Celeste gave him a look with her peripheral vision, jabbing at his arm with her index fingers. "These muscles can do more than punch. Toss me."

Phil nodded. He cocked one arm back, which Celeste shifted her feet onto while she bent her legs. "Fastball Special coming up!" Phil, with a form that major league baseball players could only envy, threw his passenger towards the demon even as she leapt away, giving her just enough energy to reach her target.

Omni-Redemption blinked. Was something _climbing _on him? He shifted and tried to see, and when he couldn't he sent force waves off his body. It didn't work, as the sensation traveled up his wings and over his head. Suddenly, his claws snapped out, and his arm jerked up halfway before it stopped.

A second later Celeste, barely saved from being sliced it half, flipped herself over Erik's head and came face to face with him. Before he could do anything, she reared back, and in an action that made Ralph and Phil's jaw dropped, slapped him. Hard.

"ERIK! SNAP OUT OF IT! RIGHT NOW!" she yelled, in the best Pissed Off Wife Phil had ever heard. It was almost on the level of Chi Chi.

"How dare…" Erik began.

Celeste backhanded her husband.

"THAT'S NOT YOU! I KNOW IT ISN'T! NOW SNAP OUT OF IT, **NOW!** Because the man that I love would never do what you're about to do, and if you fire that attack, you might as well kill me with it, because everything I love in you will be gone. I will not love a monster."

"But I…"

"Erik, if you fire that, you will just like Agony. Are you, in the end, going to become what you hate after all?"

"I…I…"

"I SAID, SNAP OUT OF IT!" Celeste roared, and slapped Erik again. "Now (SLAP!) calm down (SLAP!) and go back to the man (SLAP!) I love (SLAP!) or I'll kick your ass (SLAP!) and make you sleep on the couch (SLAP!) FOR A MONTH!" (SLAP!)

Erik blinked a few times, and then a fog seemed to lift from his eyes. He slowly began floating down.

"I actually…" Erik said, as the black metal parts on him began to smoke. "Find that couch rather comfortable…"

Phil and the girls watched as the parts began to dissipate, and then suddenly they heard a wail, of frustration and of a plan that had almost worked. Erik heard it too. It came from within him.

"I must admit, nice. It almost worked. But you obviously don't know the rules. And that is, the bad guys ALWAYS LOSE." Erik said. His feet touched down and with a final burst of black light he was back to normal.

"Actually, the bad guys win a lot." Celeste said.

"Not when they have women like you to support them. You're my salvation, raven. Remind me to never leave your side again." Erik said, and gave his wife a brief kiss.

There was a sudden noise, and then Blockbuster suddenly pulled himself from a pile of rubble that had collapsed on him after he had landed from Phil's blow. It caught Erik's attention, and he looked over. His eyes darkened.

"Roland Desmond…" he growled. Celeste grabbed his shoulders.

"No Erik! You can't kill him! And I'm ok! You don't have to kill him." Celeste said. Erik looked back at his wife, the glare going to love.

"You're right. I don't…I won't…" He said. He brushed Celeste's injured shoulder and some dried blood got stuck on it. He glanced at it.

"But he nearly blew your arm off…" Erik said, as Ralph and Ecks finally got close to the couple.

With a flash of brilliant light, the Redemption sword materialized in Erik's hand again, and he twisted away from Celeste as her eyes widened.

"SO I'LL JUST HACK OFF A LIMB!"

And Erik charged as the badly battered and bloody Blockbuster managed to get to his feet. In his state, he had nothing left to even defend himself.

"ERIK! You're incorrigible!" Celeste yelled. That didn't stop him, as he raised his sword and swung…

And Phil intercepted him from the side, smashing into the vigilante and interrupting the swing. Not fully though, but it turned a dismemberment into a deep cut before the sword flew out of Erik's hands and spiraled through the air, coated in Blockbuster's blood.

Ecks saw it coming towards her, and not sure what else to do, she raised her hands to catch it. It hadn't hurt Phil.

The blood on the sword turned black, as the blade fell into Ecks' hands…

"AHHHHHGGRRHHH!" Ecks yelled as she felt the hot jolt of pain rip through her hand. She pulled her hand away, looking in amazement at the deep wound in her palm. Blood flowed out, mixing with the still-hot blood that had been on the blade. _How? Why…?_

Then she recalled Erik, and she looked up to see, momentarily forgetting the pain.

Erik had finally stopped rolling, and he slowly got to his feet, looking up…

And Phil struck, swooping in and nailing Erik right in the torso with every amount of force he could muster. The blow devastated Erik, who slowly fell to his knees as Phil stepped back.

Erik cocked his head and looked up at Phil, who was ready to strike more blows if needed.

"Nice shot…Phil…"

And then Erik fell onto his side, finally out of it as he slipped into merciful unconsciousness.

Phil took a breath and let it out. Finally, it was over.

"All right Dad!" Omi cheered, as she landed next to her father. "You finally put that nutcase in his place!"

"As I said, squire. Your superior skill was finally revealed to be greater then all the glamours and demonic powers that cur could call upon!" Arthur said inside Phil's head.

"Was there ever any doubt?" Phil said.

"Erik!" Celeste yelled, as she ran to her husband's side. She checked for a pulse, and finding it strong, she looked up at Phil. "Did you really have to hit him so hard?"

"YES." Phil, Omi, GoChibi and Chibi Ryoko all said at once. Celeste gave them a dirty look and began fussing over Erik again. _Love. Maybe it's more trouble than it's worth._ Phil thought. _Not that Ayeka or any of the Amazons care._

Ecks' remembered her hand again, and looked down. Her eyes widened in surprise. The wound was gone. Her hand was completely unmarred, clean even of any blood that had been on the blade. She looked at the sword, which she still held in one hand. It was clean as well. _Maybe I just imagined it?_

"Well, nicely done Phil, but just one question. How are we going to get home?" Ralph said.

"I've got one." Ecks' said, running over to the group. "Here, I got his sword."

Ralph took the sword while Ecks' fumbled in her outfit, finally producing a spare watch. 'One of the advantages of being too small to pay any attention to."

The portal opened, but before the group went through Omi gestured at something. Blockbuster was staring at the group, holding his new wound.

"Just because I'm curious, but WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?" he asked. Ralph smiled and everyone simultaneously pulled out sunglasses as Ralph pulled out the Neuralizer.

"We are just a figment of your imagination."

FLASH!

A little later, when a large cavalcade of superheroes showed up, all they found was ruins. 

End Part 59

*(Note from BobCat: It's generally regarded as a bad sign when the villain starts quoting Brolli.)


	60. Boomer ‘n Lance Interlude II: Laughter, ...

Part 60

Boomer 'n Lance Interlude II:

Laughter, Tears and Just Desserts 

By BobCat (Ash isn't in on this one.)
    
    Disclaimer: To quote the Matrix, "The spoon is not real." If the spoon is not real, this must also apply to forks and knives. It isn't much of a stretch to assume that pens are also not real. Then obviously, if the pen is not real, then the copyright contracts signed with the pen are not real. So, the copyright for whatever I'm borrowing is up for grabs.
    *********

Proposition: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will sit ina boat and drink beer all day. 

Proposition: If you give a pink demon a ride in the Fantasti-Car, he will get from Point A to Point B quickly and efficiently. If you teach the pink demon to drive the Fantasti-Car, he will perform a nose-dive into the Pacific Ocean. 

At the moment, Fire Team Sigma and Majin Buu were finding what happened when the two were combined. Fortunately for all involved, Reed Richards had thought to make the Fantasti-car with several rafts aboard. It was even greater luck that the rafts were sturdy enough to support the mass of three men in Battle Armor and Fat Buu. 

A thick fog cut effective visibility to less than ten meters, and the four castaways were amusing themselves in their own way. Lance slept, while Boomer heartily followed the first proposition. He always carried his rod and tackle with him in his armor. Lance wasn't clear where Boomer had found this equipment, but hadn't thought to ask, mainly because he always kept a keg handy and alcohol has a tendency of impairing curiosity. Cypress was huddled in the corner of the craft, cradling his rifle while muttering insanely. Buu was turning any solid object that floated into

view into candy. Thus far, they had managed to avoid

the ravages of cabin fever. 

Cypress stroked his gun. "Yessss, that's right, my precious. The tricksy Buu-ses try to take you away from us, but we is too tricksy for the Buu-ses! Yes, precious!"   


Well, maybe not Cypress. 

Lance snorted a few times, and awoke with a start. "Aah!"   


Buu was munching on a candy bar made of driftwood. "What wrong, Lance?"   


Lance replied, "I just realized that I have no ideawhat waking with a start is, or even what it really looks like!"   


Buu licked his gloved fingers of what chocolate remained. "Buu think it some literary thing. Like 'half-expecting' something. How someone only half-expect something? You either expect it, or you don't. Buu confused."   


Boomer attempted to shush them. "You're scaring away the fish!" He leaned back and took another swig from his bottle. 

Cypress bolted upright. "Argh! I can't take it anymore! How long have we been out here?"   


Lance checked his watch. "Ten minutes."   


Cypress sighed and went back to his crouching and muttering. 

Lance whispered to Buu, "I don't know how much longer he can take this! This is the longest in year's he's gone without shooting something and/or something! If he snaps, we're all doomed." Lance thought about is audience. "Well, maybe not you, but still!"   


"How about Buu turn him into chocolate?"   


Lance snorted. "No, then we'd have to deal with his next of kin."   


"What wrong with that?"   


"Are you kidding!?" Lance shuddered. "His mom is an Elvin arch-druid, and his dad is Canadian! If they found out we killed their son and fed it to a character from Dragonball, we wouldn't survive the night!"   


"Oh."   


Boomer was happily snoozing away, holding the rod. Suddenly, the line went taught, and the black haired man sprang into action. He began reeling like a man possessed. The fish fought long and hard, but Boomer eventually got the better of it. 

Lance looked over the fish with an appraising matter. "Kinda scruffy, but a decent size."   


The fish released the hook and flopped onto the floor of the raft. It shook itself dry, and said, "Miaa!"   


Buu scratched his chin. "Buu no think that a fish."   
  
  


Boomer, who had had a little too much to drink, snorted. "If I worried about what I caught fishing, I'd never get anything caught!"   


Cypress's stomach growled. "Whatever that freakish rabbit-thing is, let's eat it!" He brought his sniper rifle out and began loading in a fresh ammunition clip. 

Ryo-Ohki was decidedly scared. First she had gone out for a nice swim. Then she had caught sight of Boomer's lure, which happened to resemble a carrot, and bit down. And now, after a long battle with a hook embedded in her cheek, here she was, with people threatening to eat her! "Mia!" She quickly ran behind Boomer. 

Boomer grabbed Ryo-Ohki and hefted her by the scruff of her neck. "You're a lucky little rabbit-fish; you're under the weight limit. Back you go!" With a flick of his wrist, the poor cabbit went skipping across the water and out of sight. 

Meanwhile, Lance was deep in thought. He snapped his fingers. "Wait a second. I recognize that thing!"   


Boomer raised an eyebrow. "You do?"   


Lance nodded emphatically. "Yeah! Remember that target buoy that turned into a spaceship and flew off?"   


Boomer snapped his armored fingers. "That's right! I knew that thing was familiar." Suddenly, something dawned upon Boomer. "Hey Lance, I don't think we're in the Pacific. I think we're just in the pond in front of the Masaki's."   


"Explain."   


Boomer pulled out a small chalkboard and quickly drew up a perfect anatomical drawing of a cabbit. "Observe the anatomy of the little beast. It is not well adapted for water travel. First off, it has to get a lot of drag from its ears, whiskers and fur, making swift movement difficult, and diving nigh impossible. Secondly, its hind legs are large enough to provide a good thrust, but it would require webbed feet to truly take advantage of its paddling potential." Boomer put the chalkboard back where he had gotten it from, wherever that was. "Thus, as the species, _Cabbiticus Copyrightus-Pioneerus_, lacks the necessary adaptations for an aquatic existence, we can thusly conclude that it is a terrestrial organism. Can we agree on this point?"   


"Buu's head hurt."   


"I will take that as a yes."   


Lance patted his companion on the head. "There there, big guy. Hey, is that driftwood over there?"   


Buu leapt up excitedly. "Buu turn into chocolate!"   


Lance turned back to Boomer. "Yes, I do believe we have ruled out the idea of the Cabbit as a

water-living organism. Your point?"   


"Elementary, my dear Watson. If we WERE in the ocean, it would be unlikely that we would come across a Cabbit. Thus, we must not be in the ocean."   


Lance considered this turn of events. "Hmmm…intriguing. So, hypothetically, we could just paddle over to shore, if you took off our armor first."   


Cypress interrupted his insane mutterings. "Actually, our Grey Death suits are airtight. If we

are on a lake instead of an ocean, then we could walk across the bottom to shore without worrying about pressure buildup."   


Lance whirled his finger around his head, indicating their surroundings. "But we got a new battery for my watch, and it says that it's noon. Fog usually

dissipates after morning on land, while it can be a constant companion on the open sea. If we aren't at sea, where's all this coming from?"   


*************

On the shore… 

"…so you see, Tenchi, my new "Fog in a Can" invention will revolutionize film-making as we know it, allowing directors to use actual fog instead of fakey dry ice!"

Tenchi scanned the pond. "Wow, Washuu! That stuff's as thick as pea soup! Great job!" 

Washuu whistled a happy song and went back into the house. "Still have to make a few improvements, though. It doesn't dissipate for days. See ya, Tenchi!"   


************* 

Buu finally finished his gigantic hunk of chocolate. "Yum! That's tasty!"   


Cypress' eye twitched as a realization finally dawned on him. "Hey wait! That useless pink blob can fly, right? Well, why don't we just have it carry us to the shore!?"   


Lance scratched his chin. "Huh. I hadn't ever thought of that. Funny how your mind works in a

crisis, isn't it? Hey Buu, mind getting this dingy back to shore?"   


As Buu got in the water to start paddling them back to shore, Cypress went back to his corner to mutter and clean his rifle. 

Suddenly, Lance had a flash of insight. "Hold up, Buu. Cypress, who even WANTS to go back!?"   


There was a loud splash as Cypress leapt off of the raft, temporarily unbalancing the craft. Lance

shrugged. "Well, that answers THAT question."   


Buu got out of the water and proceeded to shake himself off while grumbling. "Get in water, Buu. Get out of water, Buu. Why can't friends make up their minds? Buu just getting wet for no good reason!"   


Lance patted Buu on the shoulder. "Hey, sorry about that big guy. Howza 'bout a Brewski?"   


Buu nodded emphatically and grabbed the bottle from Lance's hand. "Mmmm! Buu like! Buu like!" 

Boomer was suddenly roused from his state of fishing Zen. "Hey, do you hear that?"   


Lance queried, "Hear what?"   


Boomer pointed up. "From up there. You know that sound in the cartoons when something's falling fast? It's like that, but bigger." 

Lance nodded. "Yeah, I hear it. I wonder what it is." 

Boomer, Lance and Buu all looked up. A Galaxy Police Cruiser was less than ten meters away from them and falling fast. All three said the same thing at the same time: 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (GLURBLE)!" 

On shore, Tenchi heard a great impact out on the water. He strained to see through the shroud of Washuu's artificial fog. Then, all at once, the cloud was blown away in all directions by a massive shockwave. Tenchi was knocked off of his feet by the impact, and landed with all the grace of a sack of potatoes tied to a brick. 

He groaned as he rose to his feet. "Oi weh. My aching spine…" His eyes widened when he saw a massive wave heading his way. "Ack!" 

It wasn't so much the sight of the massive wave exiting his lake that surprised Tenchi, but more the fact that two robots and a pink demon were currently surfing right at him. The former were using chunks from the shattered raft to support themselves, while Buu was bodysurfing behind them. 

Lance cried out, "Cowabunga" as the edge of his makeshift surfing board clipped Tenchi's head. The chronically unlucky boy fell to the ground, grasping his skull. 

"Ow. Well, at least it can't get any… oof!" He was interrupted in mid-cliché as Majin Buu belly flopped on top of him. 

Ryoko, who had been lazily sitting upon her beam in the Masaki's living room, phased partially through the wall just as Tenchi was getting crushed. "Hey! Would ya mind keeping it dow… Tenchi!" She flew out at full speed to her true love's side, and began frantically

pushing against Buu's sizeable girth. "Move it, tubby!" 

Buu sat up, shaking his head. "Ugh. Buu want to do that again!" Fortunately for Tenchi, Buu floated up and away from the site of the attack. "Hey Lance! Where are you?" 

Ryoko hugged the object of her affections. "Tenchi! Speak to me!" 

Tenchi stammered dazedly, "Excuse me, kind person, please stop speaking loudly, what with the yelling and the screaming and the pathos, nice LADY!" 

It was at this point that Cypress walked out of the lake, trailing several weeds. He looked at the

chaotic scene. "Why do I get the feeling that I just missed something interesting?" 

Lance turned to face his teammate. "Hey Cypress, why didn't you get crushed? _Yagami _was kinda barreling down at you like a meteor." 

Cypress jerked a thumb towards the lake. "It's a lot deeper than it looks. I did a good scan of the place, and near as I can tell, it's a couple hundred meters deep in places." 

Meanwhile, two drenched Galaxy Police officers slumped on the banks of what might have been their watery grave. Kione parted her soaked locks so that she could see her partner. "Mihoshi?" 

The dimwitted blonde said, "What is it, Kione?" 

In a completely even tone, Kione inquired, "Mihoshi, what happens whenever we try to land here?" 

Kione swore that she could smell something burning as Mihoshi considered the question. "We… crash?" 

"Very good. Do you know _why_ we crash?" 

"No?" 

Kione growled, and decided to change tactics. "Mihoshi, what do you do every single time we come in to land?" 

Mihoshi giggled. "Oh, that's an easy one! I turn on the radio!" 

Kione smiled. "That's right. That would be a nice trick, turning on the radio. Mainly since it can't be done. Do you want to know why?" 

"Why?" 

"Because _Yagami_ doesn't have a radio system. The Galaxy Police use hyperspace-based communication, because it's more or less instantaneous. The closest we have is a small emergency radio transmitter in the hold. Do you know what button you've been pushing all

this time?" Mihoshi shook her head. "The automatic engine cutoff. You've been pressing the large, red, clearly labeled button that you have to smash through a layer of glass to push." 

Mihoshi laughed nervously. "Whoops! I'll do better next time!" 

Kione had her own laugh to give, although this one was much less good-natured. "That's what you've said the last dozen times I've pointed it out to you." 

Mihoshi's eyes watered. "It was just an honest mistake!" 

Kione leveled a glare at her insipid companion. "Mihoshi, do you know how an honest mistake is defined? It is a one-time error based on confusing or seemingly conflicting information, which is corrected the next time around. What you do is repeated stupidity that doesn't change no matter how many times I point it out." 

Mihoshi snorted. "Yeah, right. This is the first time you've ever said anything about it!" 

Kione pulled out a small tape recorder. She proceeded to play it. "Yeah right. This is the first

time you've every said anything about it!" Kione glared. "I took this last week, just to make sure. You'll find that you said almost exactly what you said this time around. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; with a brain like yours, you should be in politics." 

Mihoshi giggled. "You're just jealous because I have more fans!" 

"THAT'S IT!" Kione started strangling the dumb blonde. "DIE! JUST DIE AND MAKE ME HAPPY!" 

Boomer and Lance observed the situation. Lance queried, "Analysis, Mr. Spock." 

Boomer spoke in a flat monotone. "Well, Captain, it would seem as if two wet, attractive female humanoids are fighting to the death." 

"Suggested course of action, Mr. Spock?" 

"Videotape them and sell the tape to the highest bidder." 

Lance whipped out a video camera. "Logical, Spock, always logical." 

Tenchi, hearing the sounds of combat, managed to rouse himself from his state of semi-consciousness. "Good Glaiven! Kione's going to kill Mihoshi!" 

Ryoko was filing her nails. "Eh, it was going to happen anyways. It was just a matter of time before the smart one snapped." 

Tenchi exclaimed, "We've got to stop them!" 

Ryoko nodded. "Oh, I agree that murder is a horrible thing, but I'm just one cute and cuddly demon. How can I make a difference?" 

"You can get over there and help me stop them!" 

"But Tenchi, I wouldn't know where to begin! Murder is such a big problem!" 

Tenchi was usually a man blessed (or cursed, as some see it) with an inordinate amount of patience. However, he, like Kione, had his limits. "YOU CAN GET YOUR LAZY ASS OVER THERE AND STOP KIONE FROM KILLING HER PARTNER! MOVE!" 

Ryoko, cowed by the verbal assault, teleported between the two. "Jeesh, what a grouch!" She gave Kione a cool gaze. "Alright, you heard the man. No homicide." 

Kione slumped to her knees and grabbed Ryoko by the waist. "Please! I'm begging you! I've been good! I've worked hard, I got top marks at the academy, and I've never had a social life! I've given so much to be where I am today, but where I am today is a horrible mess because of her! Just let me kill her so I can die happy!" 

Ryoko stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Well, since you put it that way…" She caught Tenchi's glare. "Most certainly not! Mihoshi has plenty of good qualities!" Kione glared at her longtime companion, who was cowering behind Buu. "Name one." 

Ryoko smiled. "Well that's easy! She… um… she can… no wait, she messes that up too… well, she… er…" Ryoko tapped her foot as she forced her brain around the puzzle. "I've got it! Without her, Nobuyuki would have one less dependant to claim on his income taxes! You have to wait until at least April 16!"

Mihoshi felt vaguely insulted, but she wasn't sure why.

At this point, Kione realized that even if she wasn't being videotaped with a variety of armed and

super-powered individuals working to stop her, she could never go through with the act. [I] _Damn my conscience! Damn it, I say! _She sighed and walked back towards the house, muttering about the general unfairness of life. 

Lance nodded. "Well, now we see why she gets along with Phil so well." There were nods of agreement all around. 

***************

Universe TV-HE2-0737-DC 

Barbara Gordon, formerly Batgirl, currently Oracle, was absolutely stumped. This was a rare occurrence. As the Justice League of America's primary information source, she had access to sensors and computers that Bill Gates could only wish that he had the copyright

on. In addition, her mind was literally a steel trap, and capable of impressive calculations of its own. 

But this information that the Justice League Satellite had fed her during what the news channels

were calling "The Bludhaven Disaster" was just insane. Seismic readings were off the chart in a section of the country with no history of earthquakes. Impossible readings on all spectrums indicated such energy that North America had no business existing as anything more than a bundle of exited atoms. 

Oracle was used to the impossible. Before the Joker had crippled her, she had fought alongside and against beings with abilities that could only described as "powers far beyond those of mortal men." But if the satellite photos that she had seen were accurate, then the devastation had been the by-product of a fight between gods. 

At the moment, though, she had other concerns. The government had declared the entirety of Bludhaven a Federal Disaster Area, and she had the unenviable job of coordinating the JLA relief efforts. Help the people, THEN worry about what caused this. 

*********** 

"Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a barricade." Blockbuster wasn't entirely sure who had said that, but he whole-heartedly agreed. 

He preferred to call it a sanctuary. 

It truly irked him that he had been reduced to this; hiding in plain sight. The past few days were a

complete blank, but when he awoke he found that his empire was gone, his mother was dead and a large portion of Bludhaven was leveled, and the rest of it was collapsing. 

He didn't know how or why it had happened. He didn't know who had done it. All he knew was that he had to hide, and since he didn't have the resources to protect himself anymore, he had to turn to the penal system. Not that he had had much choice in the matter; he was strong, certainly, but when Superman came knocking, it didn't take the intelligence given to him by Lucifer to realize that it was a good idea to surrender. 

In the morning he would be questioned about the incident. He had already used the money that he had on him bribing the guards into giving him additional access to the television. After all, he would have to come up with a convincing story. 

But for now, it was time for a good night's sleep. Darkness enshrouded his cell at Arkham. Just as he was about to drift off into a deep slumber, a low, gravelly voice whispered in his ear. 

"Blockbuster." 

Blockbuster's eyes flew open. "Batman!" He rolled off of his oversized bed and adopted a fighting stance. The mutated man cracked his knuckles. "Good of you to stop by. I've been wanting something to relieve my stress up-ACK!" The Caped Crusader interrupted him in mid gloat with a well-placed chop to the throat. Before Blockbuster could counterattack, Batman had hammered his solar plexus with three blows, sending him reeling. 

Batman lashed out, kicking Blockbuster at the base of his spine. The larger man cried out in pain and slumped to his knees. An elbow the back of his neck removed what little fight remained Blockbuster. 

Blockbuster's limbs had all been disabled by a series to hits to important nerve clusters, all before he could blink twice. _Whoever I'm hiding from, they must_

not be this good; otherwise I'd be dead. In his current position, the bravado in Blockbuster's voice seemed decidedly out of place. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company." 

Batman's eyes narrowed. "I want answers, Rollie. You are going to tell me exactly what I want to know." There was no threat. Blockbuster was more than intelligent enough to deduce what would happen if he didn't comply. "What happened in Bludhaven?" 

"I don't know." Blockbuster cried out in pain as Batman's foot impacted his ribcage. "I don't know!" 

Batman strolled over to his incapacitated victim grabbed his arm. "This cut looks deep." He twisted the arm sharply, earning a cry of pain from its owner. "How did you get it?" 

"I don't know!" 

Still holding Blockbuster's arm, he clambered onto his back, and pressed his knee hard into the small of Blockbuster's back. "Yesterday, two beings fought in Bludhaven Harbor with energy that makes nuclear weapons look pathetic. Who were they, and why were they there?" 

Blockbuster attempted to look his assailant in the eyes, but failed. "I don't know! I don't remember anything!" Blockbuster shrieked in agony as the bones of his upper and lower arms parted ways. "You have to believe me! I wasn't involved!" 

Batman snarled, "Bull. You were at ground zero, with injuries that weren't caused by any shrapnel wound. You survived, while people a hundred feet further away were killed by the shockwaves. As much fun as it is to maim you at will, I don't appreciate being lied to!" 

"Stop right there!" Blockbuster sighed in relief as a pair of guards burst into the holding cell. "The Batman!"   


Batman growled. "Consider your answers well, Blockbuster. Same time tomorrow?" With that, Batman leapt through the open window and glided past the gates of the maximum-security prison. 

Nightwing was waiting for him in the Batmobile. As they sped away, the former Robin asked, "Did you get anything?"   


Batman glowered. "He doesn't know anything. I have a feeling that we will never know exactly what happened in Bludhaven yesterday." He considered his words. "At least, not until it's too late to do anything about it."   


**********   
Physics Police Headquarters 

"Wake up, boy." 

Warren opened his eyes and immediately regretted the decision. Every part of his anatomy hurt. He had once heard that the human body had 206 bones. Now he could verify that, as every single once screamed its agony to his central nervous system. "Ack… fazzer? Vat is it?"   


Jacob was sitting beside his son's bed. "Cut the fake accent, boy. We all know that you use that to attract the sluts of the multiverse."   


"OK, Dad." He winced at the effort of speaking. "Where are we?"   


Jacob glared at Warren. "An infirmary at HQ. You got a royal ass whuppin.' At the hands of a meta, no less. You sicken me. You are an utter and complete

failure." 

"I'm… I'm sorry, Dad. But nobody could beat him!" 

Jacob's glare intensified. "That half-breed motherless bastard Phil brought him in ten minutes

ago." 

Warren clenched his fists. "Just give me another shot! I'll do better next time!" 

"Wrong, boy. You're off the force as of an hour ago."

"WHAT!? Why?" 

"We can't afford to coddle your incompetence anymore, boy. Do you know how bad it looks when my son can't do something that a damned Sailor Senshi can!?" Warren sat in stunned silence. "Boy, the human race as a whole can't afford to coddle your incompetence anymore. We're losing ground; the muties, the metas, aliens, you name it, they're outdoing us. Do you know what we are? Cannon fodder and hostage material for those damned freaks!" Jacob's tone rose. "Do you know how hard I've worked to give you every chance? Do you know how many favors I've had to pull in to keep Phil down? Everyone compares you to him, as if that freak is some shining man-god and you're a retarded monkey!" Warren couldn't think of a response. "You'll be taken care of, but as of today, I have no son. You'll be staying here until you're well. Goodbye."   


End Part 60

(Note from flaktrap: Parts of this story regarding Boomer, Lance, and the trigger happy half-Elven Canadian sniper were reconstructed from post incident debriefings. Accounts vary. For example, Boomer claims that the cabbit he caught was **_this _**big. The above is a composition account and is not to be considered the total incident. )


	61. Out of My Mind, Into Another

Part 61:

Out of My Mind, Into Another

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Disclaimer: To quote every mad scientist ever, "Fools! I will crush them all!" I apply the same reasoning to copyright laws. 

*************

Back at Physics Police Headquarters, Phil and company had stumbled back to the quarters shared by Phil and Ralph. The former collapsed face-first into his bed, while the latter rested in a meditative position upon the floor. 

GoChibi was feeling perky as the fear of the battle faded. With energy only possible due to the wonder of senzu beans, she started blurring around the room. "Ah Phil, you were great!" She started to act out the last parts of the fight, taking all of the roles for herself "Erik was all like, 'I'm gonna hack off a limb,' and then you were all like 'POW!' and then he was all, 'Nice shot' and Omi was all like 'Yay Dad!' and you were like, 'Was there ever a doubt,' and…" It was at this point the GoChibi's ramblings were cut off by a well placed shot of webbing from Phil.

The half-asleep warrior mumbled, "Can't bask in glory. Sleeping." Light snoring emanated from his pillow, under which his head was buried. Meanwhile, the slightly miffed Saiyan made a sound like "humph." 

Omi politely stifled a yawn. "Well, I for one am looking forward to a good night's sleep. What about you, Ryo'?"

Chibi Ryoko was already at her holographic laptop, typing away madly. "What, are you kidding? There's no time for sleep at a time like this! I mean, we all hit completely new power levels out there! Add to that my study of Erik and Celeste… give me a couple days, and I'll _have_ that specialized Scouter for you, Phil!" 

Phil's snoring continued unabated.

At that moment, O'Connor walked in, with a slightly groggy Ecks in tow. For once she had changed out of her Senshi uniform, opting instead for a hastily thrown on gray sweat suit. She yawned sleepily, then smiled. Looking down at her slumbering commander, she said, "Hey Phil, get up."

A muffled "No" came in response. 

Ralph opened one eye. Seeing O'Connor, he slowly lifted himself to a standing position. "C'mon boss, the Chief's here."

"Tell him he can chew me out after I've had forty thousand winks." 

The older man stood over his subordinate. "And what, pray tell, makes you think I'm going to chew you out?"

"Permission to speak freely?"

O'Connor considered this for a moment, and then nodded. "Granted."

Phil was roused further towards consciousness by the opportunity to speak his mind. "Sir, I haven't had a good performance review since I signed up with this outfit, so you'll excuse me if I'm not thrilled that you're here." 

O'Connor briefly considered taking offense until he realized that Phil was mostly right. With a slightly playful lilt to his voice, the pudgy man said, "Well then, I suppose you don't want that medal for courage above and beyond the call of duty, do you?"

Phil instantly snapped awake, leaping to his feet. "Do they MAKE those!?" He lifted off the ground and began blurring around O'Connor like a small child looking for a hidden present. 

O'Connor laughed. "I don't have it _on_ me. There's going to be a ceremony later, at…"

O'Connor was interrupted as the door suddenly slid open and a PP officer stepped through.

With the embarrassed look of the messenger who fears getting shot, the raven-haired man rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Uh, sorry to interrupt, Chief, but we have a problem."

Phil groaned. _Ain't that always the way? _"What _kind _of problem?"

A moment later, a loud cry of anguish destroyed the relative tranquillity of the barracks. 

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, HE WON'T WAKE UP?" Phil said incredulously as the officer lead them back to the room where a large cavalcade of guards had deposited Erik.

"Yes. We need him to be conscious to charge him, but he just won't wake up. We checked for drugs or manna techniques and found nothing. It's like catatonia."

"Phil, how hard did you hit him?" Ralph asked.

"Hard enough to knock him out! I didn't do this!" Phil protested.

"Um, you might want to point that out to the wife. She was rather…upset by all this…" the officer said.

The door ahead of them suddenly flew open as a PP guard was tossed out on his ass. He lay there and groaned as sounds of other beatings came through the door. Phil blinked and looked at his group, and then Omi nodded and zapped into the room.

When the rest of them entered, she was barely restraining a furious Celeste. Around her lay about fifteen other PP guards, who had borne the brunt of Celeste's wrath. A doctor was crouching in the corner, clearly terrified. Erik lay on a table, chained and unconscious.

"YOU!" Celeste cursed, and nearly broke Omi's grip. GoChibi flew over to help, and Celeste let loose with a torrent of venom directed at Phil. Phil tried to explain himself as Ralph walked over to the fallen vigilante and began probing with the Force.

Phil finally managed to convince Celeste he wasn't directly responsible for what had happened when Ralph walked over again.

"We have a problem indeed. Erik has basically placed himself into a coma…not to escape us, no. It's a mental thing: he feels he's done something horribly wrong and has to be punished for it. The curse of being crazy."

"MY HUSBAND IS NOT CRAZY!" Celeste screamed. Phil, despite himself, was getting a bit worried. Celeste, much like Gohan, had powers that had strong links to her anger, and she was PISSED.

"Well, something has gone wrong in his mind…he's basically become autistic…no, worse." Ralph said.

"Well, fix him!"

"Well uhhhhhhh…that could be a problem…we don't know why he feels he had to do this. We could try and get through to him, but it could takes years…heck, it may never work. That's the problem with abuse victims: their lives have made their views, uh, skewed, pardon the rhyme."

Celeste glowered at Ralph, and then turned to Phil.

"Am I charged with anything?"

"You?"

"Yes."

"Well I don't think you can just beat up my fellow employees with immunity…"

"AM I CHARGED WITH ANYTHING!?!?!?!"

"……not at the moment."

"Good. You will help my husband, or the second you let your guard down I will find a portal to another universe and will cause TEN TIMES the havoc my husband was raising unless you fix him, NOW."

Phil smirked.

"How do you think…"

"I'll help." Ralph said. Everyone looked at him. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned Phil."

Phil rolled his eyes, as if to say, "No DUH Ralph." Phil considered this for a second. "What, you gonna use the Eye of Agamotto* or something like that to fix his mind?"

Ralph shook his head. "There's no such thing as a quick fix in these kind of situations. I figure I'll use a spell to link our minds."

"What, like that Vulcan Mind Meld I pulled on Buu?"

"Something like that. Then all I have to do is find out what's bothering him and make him realize he's wrong. Then he should wake up."

"Uh…maybe I'm wrong Ralph, but don't you think it is a BAD idea to go into the mind of a PSYCHOPATHIC KILLER?"

"Somewhat, but its just memories and thoughts. It's actions that hurt." Ralph said. The mage considered his next step. "OK, in order to do this properly, I'll need some eye of newt, a number 3 cauldron and the blood of a virgin. Phil's should do." Ralph continued, ignoring the glare from his superior, the quick chuckle that escaped Eck's lips and Celeste's incredulous stare. "Then, we wait till next Thursday at 2:19 AM, when Mercury is in alignment with Alpha Centari. With that, the chanting begins as my body becomes the conduit for a massive energy exactly eight years older than time itself. Believe me, it'll look really cool. Then, once this force older than time flows into me, I'll need to count to exactly 2.3 going only by integers lest I shred reality as we know it into confetti, and then…" 

Phil made a time out gesture. "Hold on a sec. Wouldn't it be easier to use the Force to go into his mind as an astral projection?" 

Ralph shrugged. "Sure, if you want to do it the _boring _way." 

After the massive group facefault, Phil picked himself up and walked towards the door. "Just do your Jedi-Mindmeld-Thingy and get it over with. The sooner we do that, the sooner I can get back to what passes as normal life." With that, Phil and everyone else vacated the room.

Ralph inhaled slowly. _Now to get a looksy into the inner workings of a madman. I feel so J-Lo right now… well, without the sluttiness, that is._. He pulled up a folding chair next to Erik's cot and seated himself so that his legs wouldn't fall asleep if he was in that position for any length of time (a very real risk, since he would be sundering all connection with his physical self. Ralph had met a mage who'd gotten permanent nerve damage doing just that). Once Ralph had readied himself, he let the Force flow through him. Then the mage known as Ralph left the conscious world behind. And he didn't know when, or even if, he'd be back again. 

Meanwhile, in a bar on the same level of HQ…

Lance held up another tankard of amber liquid. "See Boomer, what'd I say? The Physics Police have the best breweries in the multiverse!" The triumvirate of fools, Boomer, Lance and Buu, had sneaked into Physics Police HQ to show Buu a good time. However, said good times were starting to take their toll on the pink creature. 

Majin Buu moaned. "Buu's head hurt, Lance." 

Lance responded cheerily, "Well Buu, that's a hangover, nature's way of saying that your body needs more booze." 

Buu squinted (not that this was much different from the way his eyes normally looked, but whatever) at Lance. "That what you three said _last _time, and it no work then!

Lance grinned. "Trust me, it'll get better. Now chug!" 

Buu had the inklings of a thought. Something about the sincerity of Boomer and Lance's friendship… but it was lost as Lance forced more of the headache inducing liquid down the demon's throat.

************

White.

Nothing but white. For a moment Ralph wondered if the past several days had been a dream and now Matrix elements were going to begin.

Nothing but white. Perfect blankness.

"My dad used to say this is what people were like."

Ralph turned to see a young boy standing behind him. Ralph knew it was Erik, when he had been a child. Perhaps how he had been just before his life had been turned upside down and ripped apart.

"This is life. A total blank which you can paint in any color you want. In which you can create whatever kind of picture you desire. It was a nice idea…but my dad forgot to tell me something else. Other people can paint on it as well…"

A horrid ripping sound suddenly filled Ralph's ears, and then he was falling. His vision spun around and then he was suddenly standing again. The sudden change jolted him, and he shook his head to try and keep it together.

When he opened his eyes again he saw two trees in front of him. They were the only thing on the barren plain he was standing on. The Erik-child was standing next to them, looking up at them with a look of love.

An apple fell from one of the trees. It hit the ground without being damaged, and then suddenly began to roll away from the trees. Looking distressed, the Erik-child ran after it and retrieved it, putting it back between the trees. It rolled off again, and once again the Erik-child chased after it and put it back.

It rolled off again.

__

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Ralph thought.

The Erik-child put the apple back again, and once again it rolled off. A brief distortion occurred in Ralph's vision, and then the trees had suddenly been cut down. The Erik-child stood looking at the destruction in horror.

A shrieking, evil laugh filled the air. Female.

Ralph's vision spun around and then suddenly he felt like wires were lancing into every part of him. Strangely, it wasn't painful, even as he felt them lance into his mouth and even into his eyes. He felt like he was being lifted.

"Ever feel helpless? I doubt it. Not truly. This the sense of true helplessness, like you have a wire in ever part of you and the only thing you can do is do what THEY WANT!"

The wires vanished, and Ralph was falling again.

After an undeterminable amount of time, Ralph impacted a hard, cold surface. Ralph wondered for a moment why there was no pain, until he remembered that he wasn't connected to his pain receptors anymore. In stark contrast with the previous vision, all around him was blackness, except for a single beam of light that came from above. Ralph took a moment to recognize the shadowy man in the center as Erik. The vigilante stood there motionless in a defensive position. 

Suddenly, off to Erik's right was a hint of motion. Almost faster than Ralph could see, his cybernetic arm lashed out with its talons extended. There was a meaty thud as a large biker holding a chain fell to the ground, his head removed from the lower jaw up. A tongue of flame licked outward from Erik's left. Another slash, and a black man in military fatigues fell to the ground, still clutching his flamethrower. 

Yet another motion, another attack, another corpse. Another, and another, and another. Soon, the subtle movements became more overt, and the sequence of attacks became faster and more furious. The corpses began stacking upon each other, men from all walks of life; Ralph was surprised to see a doctor laying on the ground, the left side of his neck sliced open and a ugly wound on the right side of his face. Yet, there were always more and more people in the shadow. Occasionally, Ralph could see a limb without an owner on the ground. 

_The ones that get away? _Ralph almost dismissed the thought. _Yeah, like he'd let them escape. _There were an increasing number of ownerless limbs and pieces of equipment. _Then again, he isn't a god. _

As the corpses began to pile up so that they blocked Erik from view, Ralph noticed a multitude of strings stretching from the pile of body parts. The threads were almost invisible unless viewed from the proper angle. Ralph cast an illumination spell. Instantly, the path of the threads was visible. Ralph was surprised that it worked. _Then again, the mystic arts are a mental discipline… I guess it should work, even here. _

These thoughts were instantly banished from Ralph's mind as he saw the paths of the strings. Each thread was entwined around a finger on a massive hand. The body of the owner wasn't visible in the murkiness, but his face was.

It was Erik himself. Or at least, a twisted caricature thereof. The cybernetic eye had lost all attempts at humanity, but had been enlarged to impossible proportions, as had the copy's Joker-esque smile. All the while it laughed at the efforts of Erik… who was oblivious to the entire process. 

Ralph tried to figure out the metaphor. "I can see the whole unending battle against the shadow, but why his face… maybe an aftereffect of Phil's rants that he's the cause of his problems? Or was this there before… I get the feeling that Herr Jung would have a field day here." Then, all faded from Ralph's view. However, the grinning façade of Erik's doppelganger remained for several seconds. 

Suddenly, Ralph found himself in a scene straight from _Leave it to the Beaver_. On a perfectly flat street, where there were no cracks in the pavement, older style cars drove at a leisurely pace. On either side of the Jedi were whitewashed picket fences, whose lock free doors shielded immaculately trimmed lawns with identical swing sets. 

Cautiously, Ralph walked across the street after looking both ways for traffic. He explored his surroundings a bit more, and almost bumped into a middle-aged woman who was holding hands with her young son. Ralph automatically started, "Oh excuse m…" Ralph jumped back reflexively, horrified at what he saw.

Both the woman and her son had no eyes. There was nothing in their place; only empty sockets. The eyeless woman smiled a happy smile, and said, "Oh, that's quite alright, sir. Say hello to the nice man, Johnny." 

"Hello, sir." 

Ralph waved nervously, then noticed the cardboard sign hung over the woman's neck.

****

I molest my son.

Ralph recoiled at this, then looked down at "Johnny." He had his own sign. 

****

I torture small rodents. And the way I'm going, that's just the start.

Ralph bolted away, only to run into a man whose sign read, "I kill people and bury their bodies in the junk yard." Each time Ralph attempted to escape, there was another vacuous grin and a sign. 

****

I sell poisoned milk to schoolchildren. 

I rape random young girls. 

I lynch 'sinners'.

Guns don't kill people; I kill people. 

I'm planning a terrorist attack.

I'm a cannibal. 

Eventually, Ralph bolted into one of the multitude of identical houses. He ran into an all-white kitchen, and the smell of freshly made pancakes filled the air. A woman who Ralph recognized as Christine from his briefings placed a plate of the steaming cakes on the table. Ralph gave a sigh of relief. From his point of view, he could see that her eye was in its proper place. 

Christine took note of his presence and turned to face him. "Oh, hello Ralph. Are you here to play with Erik?"

Ralph could barely restrain the desire to flee. Although her right eye filled its socket, the left was bare. Around her neck was a sign filled with no words at all. 

"Ralph? You should answer when one of your elders asks you a question." 

Ralph stammered, "Y-yes, I am." Before the deformed woman could say any more, he ran into the next room. 

There were Phil and Erik, playing checkers. Or at least, they were Phil and Erik at age nine. Erik hopped over three of Phil's pieces, causing the brown haired boy to say, "Oh rats!" Phil was wearing a blindfold, yet was acting as though he didn't. Around his neck was a very simple sign:

I** have issues.**

Erik looked up from his game, even as Phil took one of his pieces. "How does it feel, Ralph? Is it fun, knowing exactly what everyone around you is doing when no one else is around? And you have this knowledge, but everyone else is too blind to even conceive the problem? Well Ralph, that is my world. And I just can't stand by and let it happen."

Ralph nodded, finally catching the metaphor. He shuddered, failing to force the images from his mind. "What… what's wrong with…"

"Christine? She and the other Legacy approach true understanding of the issue, but they simply lack my talent. Thus, they are effectively half-blind. Phil here? Well, you both have fully functional 'eyes,' as it were. Phil is closer than you are, simply because he has some concept of how hellish life can be. But yet, you both chose to simply ignore the pain and suffering around you until it walks up and punches you in the face. Hence, the blindfolds."

Ralph pointed to the oblivious avatar of his boss. "And his sign?"

Erik shrugged. "I can't pin him down; it's as though there are multiple souls in one form. It isn't schizophrenia; I've felt that, and this isn't it. I just can't explain it. Then again, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Everyone has secrets…"

Ralph glanced down. His eyes widened as he saw he had his own sign around his neck. Dreading the possibilities but unable to resist, he turned it up and over, looking at it.

****

I save universes.

"………..HUH?" Ralph said, not expecting that result.

"I see all your inner selves. No matter what it is."

Ralph looked up and then back at the sign.

****

I always did a few hours of community service a week when I was in college.

He glanced away again and looked back.

My stabilizing influence keeps Phil from going too far. 

"No one is without their secret shames, wants, and deviances. But that does not mean I have to kill them…" Erik said quietly. Ralph looked at his sign again.

****

I'm dating someone half my age.

Ralph suddenly remembered why he was here. "Erik look, you've got to come out and…"

"NO!" Erik overturned the board and ran out. Ralph sprinted after him, even as his surroundings faded. 

"Erik, even you see it! Not every man, woman, and child is a demon in disguise! Why are you doing this?"

Erik stopped and slowly turned around. His child-self cruelly contradicted his eyes, which looked a million years old.

"Indeed. There are good people out there. The Pure."

Ghostly figures began appearing out of the darkness, each wearing their own signs. Ralph caught glimpses of a dozen good deeds and kindnesses before he looked back to Erik.

"It's not that. That's not what haunts my sleep…it's this."

More figures began appearing. They wore signs as well, but these signs were dark. Ralph didn't have to take a guess at what that meant.

More and more of them appeared, until there were literally hundreds of them to the Pure's dozens. 

And then they fell on the Pure, the darker ghosts attacking the lighter ones and tearing them apart. Faint screams passed over Ralph's ears, and he instinctively reached for a lightsaber before he realized A) It wasn't in with him and B) There was nothing he could anyway.

The Pure were gone, and with the Corrupt standing tall, they all made a beeline towards Erik.

"They're out there. So many of them. Preying. Hurting. Destroying. So many…so many things gone…all because…"

They fell on the child Erik. Laughter echoed in Ralph's ears, even as he recalled the snippet of a song he had heard.

__

There's no holding me back

I'm not driven by fear

I'm just driven by anger

And you're under attack

I'm just climbing up slowly

I'm the one and only

The Corrupt howled in their triumph.

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The masses of ghosts suddenly exploded outward as Erik was revealed again, grown up, scarred, and angry as hell.

"I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

__

The tease, the way you lie

The stumbling in your mind

The fear, the hope inside

They hit here! 

Erik thrust back his arms and slammed them out, throwing daggers of white light from his body. The ghosts exploded as the beams pieced them. But more came. And more. And more. An unrelenting tide eventually swept over Erik and he vanished from view. 

"They want to take everything…" Erik's voice suddenly whispered in Ralph's ear. "Maybe you aren't willing to make a stand. But I will."

More light exploded from the dark, and Ralph found his world spinning around again.

__

And though whatever you need

'Ever you got

'Ever you want

I'll take back again! 

The spinning suddenly stopped, and Ralph found himself looking at a sign. A jagged V was marked on it, and he knew he was looking at Erik's "sign". 

****

I can never be what I want to be. 

And then it all spun away, into nothingness.

*************

Eventually his world was clear again, and Ralph shook his head. It might not have been real, but it was real disturbing.. 

He blinked as he saw Erik walking towards him. What was shocking was that Erik was wreathed in fire. It was everywhere on him, dancing along his skin and writhing in his hair, weaving all around him. But the fire wasn't burning him. It didn't even seem to be annoying him, as he raised one arm and smirked slightly as it danced on his arm.

The fire gave off a sound like impish laughter and flowed down. Ralph realized it was heading for something that males considered rather…sensitive. However, it didn't reach it, as Erik slapped at the flame and it retreated. The other flames flowed to Erik's arm as he looked at it, a calm look of respect and admiration. 

__

Chastity. This is how he sees Chastity.

The flame laughed again and spiraled off his arm and away. Ralph's world spun again, and the next time he saw Erik he was holding a dove. It was a gentle hold, a protective one as he looked at the bird. It cheeped at him.

__

That would he his sister, methinks. This is definitely better then the Cyclops version of her.

Erik opened his hands and the bird perched on them, singing. It was lovely. Indeed, Ralph remembered Christine had a lovely singing voice. The dove sang for a few more seconds before it lifted off Erik's hands and flew off. A robin flew in beside it and the two birds flew over Ralph's head. Erik watched them fly away, looking saddened.

__

Their lives have separated them. I guess Erik feels she'll always fly away to the life she has now, with Ash and co, even if she loves him as her brother.

And then Ralph was falling again, spiraling through the dark corridors of Erik's mind.

Despite know what he was seeing was just memories and not real, Ralph nearly vomited when he came to a stop again: He landed on a pile of mutilated corpses. He retched and scrambled off of them, shuddering. He looked around.

It was a city, and the bodies were everywhere, all mutilated, all dead. The streets ran with blood.

__

Oh dear. This must be Agony. This might be very…unpleasant.

Then Erik appeared, literally walking through him. The sheer horror on his face was strange to Ralph. Surely he had seen bodies before…

__

This was when they first met. Or reunited, you might say. Ralph realized. Indeed, within a few seconds Erik came to the largest pile of corpses yet. Standing on it was Agony. They spoke, but Ralph heard no words.

Then in suddenly snapped and hurled a blade. It went right through Agony's throat, and she tumbled over. Erik snorted and turned away, his face a look of satisfaction and regret.

Then Agony got up again, and Ralph witnessed the first time Erik realized just how beyond human Agony was.

And then…

At the time, Ralph had been incredibly confused, but later, he had found a bizarre kind of sense in what had played out before him. In the end, the whole sordid series of events was perhaps, more so then anything, absurd. Perhaps that was the thread that ran through everything: In one way or another it was all ludicrous. 

What happened was another tune started up in the background. Ralph recognized it as the tune for the children's song _The Cat Came Back._ And then the singing started even as Erik looked at the regenerated Agony in burning rage.

__

Christopher Erik Damien Ravensky was a master of causing strife…

But he just couldn't part one blasted woman with her life!

He wanted her dead, for reasons you can all see…

She's just one woman, how hard could it be…

(Oh you'll see…)

As Ralph watched, Erik tried a second time, a gun extending from his arm and shooting Agony several times. She fell over again, and then, got back up, laughing.

__

But the bitch came back! The very next day!

The bitch came back! You'd think she'd be a goner…

But the bitch came back! She just wouldn't stay away…

Erik charged, and the whole montage spun around to a different place with the same players, as Erik used some kind of chemical mixture he snatched off a table in the laboratory they were fighting in to set Agony on fire. She screamed as she ignited and then Erik kicked her out a window.

__

But the bitch came back! The very next day!

The bitch came back! You'd think she'd be a goner…

But the bitch came back! She just wouldn't stay away…

Another spinning. Now they were on a boat, as Erik rammed a rod of metal through Agony and twisted it around her, fusing it into a restraining harness. Agony blasted Erik away and tried to remove the rod, but she was too late, as Erik hit a switch. A massive weight fell overboard, pushed by some device. It got Agony's attention, long enough for Erik to charge with a length of chain and fuse it into the rod. Before Agony could do anything she was yanked away, as the other part of the chain was attached to the large weight. It dragged her underwater, deep into the depths…

__

But the bitch came back! The very next day!

The bitch came back! You'd think she'd be a goner…

But the bitch came back! She just wouldn't stay away…

Spin away, spin away. Now they were fighting in a factory. After using several pieces of equipment to inflict gratuitous and immensely gory injuries on Agony, he finally trapped her in a hydraulic press. It promptly squished her flat as a pancake, and Erik turned off the device, leaving her flattened body trapped within…or so it seemed…

__

But the bitch came back! The very next day!

The bitch came back! You'd think she'd be a goner…

But the bitch came back! She just wouldn't stay away…

Spin City. Now the two were fighting above a volcano, as a massive battle between an army of monsters and the rest of the Legacy raged in the background. Everything was rapidly sped up, compressing a battle that seemed to go for hours into a few seconds. The end result was Agony getting dumped into the volcano crater. She fought all the way down, but eventually she went into the lava. To ensure she wasn't escaping, Erik detonated the whole top of the volcano with a massive surge of energy, sealing her in…

__

But the bitch came back! The very next day!

The bitch came back! You'd think she'd be a goner…

But the bitch came back! She just wouldn't stay away…

Spin The Wheel, Make the Deal. The next one raised Ralph's eyebrows. It appeared to be happening in the DBZ world. He watched, growing more and more amazed, as Agony wrecked horrific havoc, only ending when a Gogeta Genki Dama did her in, once and for all. Or at least it would have been that way if Erik hadn't made a wish to revive her in exchange for undoing all her damage. But what was she doing in the DBZ Universe? And why hadn't he known?

__

Wasn't there something classified in Agony's files? But why…And speaking of but…

But the bitch came back! The very next day!

The bitch came back! You'd think she'd be a goner…

But the bitch came back! She just wouldn't stay away…

Spinarooni. The next battle was familiar and shocking to Ralph all at the same time. Again, it was the DBZ Universe, but the Legacy was there too, along with some people who looked like they belonged from the Buffy Universe. Erik, as Omni-Redemption, and Agony were locked in a furious battle, as Erik threw everything including the kitchen sink at Agony. It seemed like he finally got her with a immense white energy blast, but as Ralph watched, Agony popped up again and shot Erik through the back. He recoiled as his allies screamed at this, and Erik turned with eyes that showed he was pretty much at the end of his rope, but he'd hang his foe with it before he went down.

__

Christopher Erik Damien Ravensky was a master of causing strife…

But he just couldn't part one blasted woman with her life!

He'd tried every trick and still death she refused…

It was clear now that drastic measures had to be used…

And Erik tried just that with a suicide attack. But Agony caught him and seemingly killed him…

__

But he CAME BACK! THE VERY NEXT DAY!

HE CAME BACK! HE AIN'T GONNA BE A GONER!

NO HE CAME BACK! HE REFUSED TO STAY AWAY!

A whole bunch of colors flashed in Ralph's vision and suddenly Erik was back, just as Erik, with the Redemption sword. Agony had a massive scythe as a weapon, and they engaged in one last duel. And then it finally came to an end as Erik stabbed her and the sword counter-acted her evil, obliterating her in one final flash of light.

Silence.

"Did the bitch come back?" Ralph asked.

__

No she finally stayed away…

Ralph was falling again.

It was a good thing the world he was in didn't abide by the normal laws of Physics, as he landed on his head. He groaned slightly and got up. He was in a white land again, this time with walls of darkness that seemed rather…organic.

Erik was in front of him, and then in a sudden explosion of blackness, Celeste appeared out some the shadows. Ralph blinked. Celeste was lovely, but the girl Ralph was seeing…she had no flaws. Whatever. She was an angel in dark hair. _She is how he sees her._

Celeste walked forward, dressing in a long flowing black gown that flowed like liquid, blown by some wind Ralph could not feel. Then the strips of blackness tore off the walls and were revealed to he part of Celeste. As massive pair of wings. Raven wings.

As this dream Celeste approached Erik he knelt, his head bowed. She stopped in front of him and commanded him to rise, but he wouldn't. She looked confused. Ralph's eyes widened. _I think I may have found my block._

Ralph walked over to where the dream Celeste came bidding Erik to rise, but he refused, keeping his head down and his eyes downcast.

"You deserve to look at her, you know."

Erik's head glanced sideways.

"You haven't failed her in any way. Not by being beaten by Phil or not keeping her from being shot. She doesn't feel any negative emotion towards you for it. Erik, I know what's it's like. Your life hasn't been all wine and roses, and I suppose it's understandable if your mind has been warped to see guilt as a positive thing. But there is nothing to feel guilty about. Look up. Stand up. And wake up, will you? I'm getting a headache, and Celeste keeps threatening to beat people up."

Erik chuckled.

"She's like that…"

Erik stood, and the winged dream Celeste smiled and leapt into her husband's arms. The world spun around them and Ralph and then Ralph found himself floating up. With a sudden snap he was back in his body, even as Erik muttered and tried to sit up, although he was restrained by his chains.

"Ralph! You're back. Was it scary in there?" GoChibi asked.

"Quite. But in the end it's not hard to fix a problem this way. The trick is finding the problem…" Ralph said, shaking his head. Celeste was hugging her returned husband, although he couldn't return the sentiment because of the chains.

"Where were you sweetie?"

"I just had a misconception to work through…" Erik muttered. "Hey! Can you get me out of this?"

"Sure." Phil said. He winked to the three girls. Ralph saw a sudden blur of motion and a series of gushing of wind. When it was done Erik was in a chair…and he had twice as many chains on him. He looked at them and grimaced.

"This is very uncomfortable." 

"Live with it." Phil said. Erik smirked.

"Still smarting over our little sorties Phil?"

"Ah shaddup! Hey, he's awake! Bring the guy in!" 

At this point, a man walked in. He was dressed in a plain black robe, and he carried with him a small noteputer. He looked as though middle age had been more than happy to catch up with him, and old age didn't want to be left out either. The robed man's head was completely bald, and his nose extended from his face like a vulture's beak. His back was bent slightly forward, and his hands had several liver spots upon them. Yet, he seemed to be possessed of an almost youthful vigor as he entered the room. 

Phil saluted. Unlike the phony act that he generally put on for O'Connor and others, Phil seemed to legitimately respect the man. Everyone present except for Ecks caught this subtle nuance. Celeste briefly wondered if this man wasn't just another stuffed shirt. "Good day, Magistrate Palmer."

The man, now identified as Palmer, nodded to Phil. "Good day, Unit Commander." Then He stood before the bound vigilante and read from his PDA. The manner in which he read from the small computer indicated that he had gone through this particular routine many times. Yet, he didn't sound bored with the procedure. "Christopher Erik Damien Ravensky. You stand accused of several crimes against the laws of the Physics Police. Before the formal trial, our laws declare that you have the right to a formal reading of the accusations against you before a Magistrate, the being who shall advise the Judge as to how to proceed with the case. You are accused of the following crimes:

2 counts of violating dimensional boundaries without our permission or license.

2 counts of using an unlicensed dimensional transport.

54 counts of assaulting an officer of the Physics Police. 

69 counts of knowingly murdering inhabitants of another dimension.

6 counts of resisting arrest.

1 count of knowingly altering the timeline of another dimension. 

Palmer seemed momentarily surprised at the length of the list, but recovered quickly. "Christopher Ravensky, How do you plead?" asked Palmer.

"Bite me." Erik shot back.

In a sharp voice, Palmer snapped, "Be silent or I'll add contempt of court!"

"I have nothing BUT contempt for your court." Erik replied..

Palmer's neutral face hardened slightly at this. "Well in that case, there are just SO many options. Hypothetically, we do have the authority to just cut you down with laser fire from the well hidden security turrets. As far as we're concerned, you're mostly insignificant. We work to keep reality itself from shattering. Your violation of dimensional boundaries is causing all sorts of little ripples in neighboring realities that our agents are working to smooth out. Those are agents that could be working on more important matters, so you'll understand if I'm a little less than polite." 

Erik mentally tallied this information. _So THAT'S why they're after me… also, I can see why Phil respects him. He doesn't seem like the type to be overly concerned with procedure and politics… probably why he hasn't gotten beyond this rank. Interesting. _He decided to stall for some time. "Um, I've never actually been caught before, so I'm a little fuzzy about this, but don't I have the right to be tried by a jury of my 'peers?' And where's my lawyer?" 

Palmer chuckled. "Aw, isn't that cute? You think that you have some sort of constitution guaranteeing your rights. You see, Mr. Ravensky, this isn't a criminal or civil court. We operate more like a military court, but with less concern for civil rights. That means that we can do anything and everything we see fit. Want an example? Let's see here… the evidence is so against you, that I could legally sentence you to life on Kessel in a Star Wars universe. Without a trial. How about that? A planet with no atmosphere, on which you are a slave who gets to spend his days hoping that the energy spiders don't eat him while he harvests spice to feed some Hutt's coffers? I doubt that you'd enjoy the experience. So show some respect!" 

Erik snorted. "Respect? I respect three people in my life. One's me, one's my wife, and the other ain't you. Nor will it ever be. Tell me my good man, why am I being arrested?"

"Are you deaf? Didn't you hear…"

"Not that claptrap. Why?"

"You really want to know? Because you've been A VERY BAD BOY." Palmer said, like he was chastising a child. Erik chuckled again.

"Two things, my good man. I am nothing. You think I'm bad. You think my deeds are evil. You think I deserve to be punished. Let me warn you of something now, before life decides to do it for you. What you think of evil is nothing. When you think you've seen the worst, something will come along that will make the last thing seem like child's play. There's always something more depraved, more sinister, more eager to prey on the innocent. I have killed those people my whole life. I will do it until my death. I will do it no matter where I am or who condemns me for it. So go ahead. Judge me. Try to punish me. But never try to lie to yourself. There are always things far worse then me, and as much as it burns within you, never forget one thing. You may hate me, you may fear me, you may judge me, but above all else, you NEED me. And the other thing…"

And he suddenly stood up, and to Phil's surprise he suddenly shrugged off all the chains, as they fell away from him and clattered to the ground. He'd picked all the damn locks. Palmer's face suddenly went white with fear. He wasn't a coward, but he wasn't a warrior either.

"Get electronic locks. They're harder to pick."

Palmer broke the overland speed record running out of the room. Erik laughed and sat down again, crossing his legs as Phil growled.

"Hey! Get in here!" Phil yelled as a bunch of guards trooped into the room. "Chain him up again! And use twice as many! And electronic locks!"

"Yes sir! What about the girl?"

"Keep your eye on her as well. C'mon guys, we've wasted enough time with this loser!"

"I am rubber, you are glue." Erik called as Phil and his friends left the room.

After walking along for a bit, Ralph asked, "So Phil, what now?"

Phil's face split into a large grin. In an obvious joviality in his voice and a happy spring to his step, he sighed. "Ah Ralph, my chum, the options are truly limitless! Now that that sociopath is out of my hair, the world is our oyster!" He walked in between Ralph and Ecks and leaned on their shoulders. "Why, we could play video games, find an all-you-can-eat joint in this base that hasn't banned Saiyans yet, get a game of baseball going with the other special units, develop a new Chi attack, or maybe work on that unified energy field theory we were debating." Phil yawned. As he spoke, his voice became significantly more subdued. "Read a book, annoy fictional characters that we don't like, take over the world, or… else…" Phil started snoring. Ecks and Ralph suddenly grunted as all of their commander's weight was shifted to their shoulders. 

As Ralph lifted Phil with a bit of Force, Ecks said, "I think he might have the right idea. I don't know why, but I'm not feeling too good. I'm going to go take an aspirin and a nap. See you later." With that, Ecks performed an about-face and walked to her quarters. 

Omi glanced towards the exiting woman. "I wonder what's wrong with her?"

Chibi Ryoko finished a check with her scanners. "I think it's probably just stress and fatigue. She has a slightly elevated temperature and some gastrointestinal distress, but I'm not detecting any pathogen."

GoChibi blinked. "Huh? What's 'gastrointestinal distress' mean?"

Chibi Ryoko rolled her eyes slightly. "A tummy ache."

The daughter of Gohan pulled out a small pad of paper and a pen. "Well, that's my new word for the day." 

Ralph and the girls continued to stand in the hallway, making small talk while Phil snoozed. Finally, Ralph noticed the look of concern on Omi's face. "What's up?"

Omi pointed at her slumbering father. As they spoke, she lifted Phil with a fireman's carry. "Well, for one thing, he could get a backache sleeping on the floor like that, so I'm taking him back to his room." Omi blinked. "This is weird; being responsible for Dad and all. Anyway, for another, he's gone into REM sleep way sooner than he should have, and I'm getting some weird vibes off of him."

Ralph stretched out with his senses, nodding. "Yeah, you're right. Oh well. He's probably just having a nightmare of some sort. I wouldn't worry about it…"

*********

Celeste wasn't sure what to do.

True, her husband was now tied up even more and guarded by all sorts of highly skilled creatures who didn't like him or her (which is probably why they had hustled her out so quickly), but he had winked at her before she left. That either meant "Relax, I can handle it" or "I'm sure you'll think of something sweetie, but haste would be appreciated."

Both would be trouble. Even she would have extreme difficulty…

"RUN!"

A gaggle of creatures, men, and a few things even Celeste couldn't identify suddenly ran around the corner. She barely had time to press herself up against the wall before they trampled her.

She watched the group flee, and then turned around to look at the direction they had come from.

"Who let the herd of buffalo loose?"

More racket came from the corner, and Celeste quickly ducked into a nearby storage room as another huge gaggle of creatures ran by.

"Correction. No buffalo. It's a squad of Sherman Tanks." Celeste said, peering out of the room.

One last person ran around the corner. Celeste tripped her.

"Hey, what's cooking?"

"Pink demon on the loose! Mad! Run for your lives!" the woman said, as she got back to her feet and took off again. Celeste regarded her curiously.

"Pink demon…?"

And then Celeste heard loud grumbling coming from around the corner. What amazed her more then the fact that the grumbling was so loud she could hear it from thirty feet away then the fact she recognized the voice.

"Could it be…?

Curiosity killed the cat, says an old saw. But Celeste apparently hadn't heard the old saw, as she headed in the direction of the grumbling.

Buu was now even angrier.

His headache had only gotten worse, a hammering pain that his healing talents just couldn't seem to eliminate. To make it worse, everyone he ran into was making noise. Buu thought turning them into pink flamingos would stop the noise, but instead it had only made it worse, as everyone he saw made a huge racket.

"Stupid men. Say friends, do this to Buu, Buu make them…"

"Buu!"

Buu looked up just as the woman ran up to him and hugged him. Had he been more alert, he may have vaporized her or turned her into a packet of cheese and crackers, but the headache and her strange behavior made him hesitate.

"Why girl hug Buu?" Buu asked as the black-haired woman stepped back. His confusion made his head hurt worse, and he growled.

"Buu? Don't you recognize me?" Celeste asked, her joy at seeing her old friend from the Vagane mess become confusion as well. The Buu she looked at appeared to be in pain, and it was clear in his expression he had no idea who she was

"Buu not know girl! Who you? Girl must be trying to trick Buu like metal men! BUU MAD! BUU TURN YOU INTO EGG AND STEP ON YOU!"

"Whoa! Buu! Stop!" Celeste said as she barely dodged one of Buu's transformation bolts: his headache threw his aim off, thankfully. "It's me! Celeste!"

"Buu know no Celeste! Buu know you EGG!"

Celeste dodged that as well. Her combat instincts flared up, but she immediately shut them down.

"Stand still!"

"Buu! I'm not gonna hurt you!"

"They all say that! You lie! Just like you lie about knowing Buu! Buu no know girl, so how girl know Buu? Arr, Buu hate roundabout thinking! It hurt Buu's head more! BUU MAKE YOU GO BOOM!" Buu said, as he summoned a house-sized ki ball.

Celeste stopped as she finally got a reading on Majin Buu. He was telling the truth: this was obviously a different Buu who had never met her. She also learned where his headache had come from, and she had an idea.

And if she was wrong, she pitied Buu for what Erik would do to him when he found out she had been vaporized.

"Ok Buu, go ahead and blow me up. I won't resist." Celeste said.

Buu got even more confused when the girl didn't run away.

"Why girl no run? Girl want die?"

"No. I was your friend. Truly, Buu. And I will wager my life you won't kill a friend."

"Girl lie! Metal men say friends, then cause Buu pain that won't go away! And Buu not know girl, so girl must lie!"

"Ok Buu, if I'm a liar, read my mind."

Buu blinked.

"You have enough power to be a master telepath. Memories are absolute truth. Look at mine. I didn't know YOU, per say, but I knew another you. And he and I were friends."

Buu tried to wrap his childish mind around what Celeste had said, but it just made his headache worse, which made him angrier. Even with that though, he was a bit curious at why this girl kept insisting she knew him, and why she wasn't scared of him.

"Buu not trust girl…" Buu said, even though he dissipated the ki ball. "Buu look at girl's head anyway! Now Buu see if girl liar or just want to die…" Buu said as he walked up and pressed his hands to Celeste's head.

The shock of what he saw was enough to make him totally forget his headache, as images of him, or ANOTHER him, washed over him. Brief flashes of a strange man with an afro and mustache, a small dog, and finally Celeste flowed through his head, and then a quick flash of battles Buu knew he never fought but had happened anyway, for memories were the absolute truth.

Totally stunned, Buu put his hands down.

"Girl…speak truth. There other Buu…you friend of other Buu…but how there be other Buu…Buu confused…"

"It's ok Buu. Don't hurt your head trying to puzzle it out. It doesn't matter."

"Buu do that…but girl was friend of Buu! Other Buu! True friend! Fight with Buu! Help Buu when Buu was hurt! Buu do the same! Other Buu your friend, so me your friend too! FRIEND!" Buu said, and returned Celeste's hug.

"Ahhh Buu, not so tight!"

"Oh. Buu sorry." Buu said. He winced as his headache came back. "Celeste friend, can you help Buu? Buu head hurt…"

"Well…" Celeste said.

Boomer pointed tentatively down the hall. "I think he went this way…"

"I told you giving him the beer was a bad idea! But NOOOOOO, you insisted his healing talent would keep him from getting a hangover! The Lieutenant is gonna kill us!"

"Look, all we have to do is get close and use a sober up and then make nice and…" Lance said as he rounded the corner and found Buu standing with an attractive brunette.

"There he is! Quick, before he turns her into food!" Boomer said.

"Buu! Friend! How you doing? We were looking…"

The fact that Buu started growling as steam shot out of his head gave Lance a pretty good idea that he said the wrong thing. Correction. That there was no right thing to say.

"You not friend! You trick Buu and hurt Buu! Buu head hurt! YOU NO FRIEND! GIRL FRIEND!"

"Whoa Buu, calm down!"

"YOU NOT TRICK BUU AGAIN!"

"Ok Lance, we'd better…hey, where did the girl go…HEY!" Boomer said as he felt a slight pressure and found his sober up needle gone.

"Thanks." Celeste said, as she hopped back over to Buu. "Buu, this will stop your pain."

"Please help Buu!"

Celeste jammed the needle in.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Sorry Buu."

"That hurt…hey, headache going away! You really friend!" Buu said happily.

"Good to know Buu. Now why don't we teach these two a little lesson on why you shouldn't give extraordinarily powerful magic beings hangovers."

"UH oh." Lance said.

Buu gave an evil little grin.

"BUU TURN YOU INTO…!"

Lance and Boomer ran for it.

"He doesn't look like much." (guard 1) said as he looked at the chained Erik. The man had his eyes closed and appeared to be either napping or thinking deeply. 

"Famous last words." (guard 2) said.

"Well, even so, what can he…" Guard 1 said, before he heard the racket. "What the?"

The two guards left the room just as Boomer and Lance ran past.

"Someone get the Reality Checkers! NOW!" Boomer yelled as he ran past.

"BUU MAKE YOU BOTH GO BOOM!" Buu yelled as he ran past a second later.

"Ah, he must have gotten loose! Help them!" (Head guard) yelled. Most of the guards broke from their positions and chased after the trio.

And in the room, Erik suddenly smiled.

"I love you Celeste."

****************

Phil studied the odd landscape about him. It seemed to be a picturesque desert scene, like one would see on a postcard. However, something seemed to be off. The sky was a shrouded in a black, rolling mass of clouds. That wasn't it. The colors of the landscape seemed to be wrong as well; where brown should have predominated, there was a purplish shade instead. But that couldn't be what was bothering him; the American Southwest was full of places with purple stone, albeit not that shade and not that much. 

Then, it suddenly struck him why everything was so strange. 

__

I'm in a Zerg hive cluster. Ho hum. 

Upon making his discovery, all seemed in order. Drones used their massive mandibles to harvest ore from a hill to his left. A flight of three Mutalisks flapped overhead on their batwings, ready to rain death upon any intruder. Massive organic buildings on all sides of him throbbed as they performed their duties, storing and modifying the genes of the Zerg strains readied within. 

As he casually strode down a "street" between structures, he briefly wondered why the Mutalisks had made no move to attack him. Again, something wasn't as it should have been. 

Phil wasn't sure how far he had walked before he heard a voice behind him. He immediately identified it. "Well Phil, how are you enjoying the grand tour?"

Phil shrugged as he turned to face the oddly familiar woman. She was dressed in a black robe, with a hood that obscured her features. "Oh, it isn't so bad." Phil squinted slightly. "Do I know you from somewhere? You seem awfully familiar." She was currently sitting on a throne made of bones, but for some reason this seemed appropriate. He pondered over the issue of identity for a moment before noticing that she was holding a scythe. "Oh! I remember you. I saw you in a vision a while back. Something about coming for the ones I love. You would be Death, right?" Phil wasn't sure why he was so calm about everything. The dream seemed too surreal to be worried about anything. 

The figure chuckled in an amiable fashion. "I suppose that would be fitting. Death will do for now."

Phil calmly looked from one side of the hive to the other. "Say, I don't mean to pry, but isn't this sort of thing Kerrigan's routine?"

"Oh, she has been… dealt with." Phil retained his calm attitude, even as a pair of blades ripped through the back of Death's cloak. 

Phil nodded. "Ah. Another assimilator, I see. Now, my only question is, did you absorb her, or vice versa?"

"I assure you that I remain myself."

Phil shrugged. "Not trying to be rude; with the Zerg, it's a question that needs to be asked." Something finally occurred to Phil. "Say, I suppose that I have to fight you now, don't I?"

Death shrugged. "I suppose that you will want to, seeing as how I've killed all of your friends. It's up to you, really. Either way, you will lose." 

Taking the last comment in stride, Phil powered up. His hair was whipped about as he activated the mystical talent. "Shall we?" 

Death began to laugh madly. Phil raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny?" 

"You still don't get it, do you? I am Death incarnate. You cannot win." To illustrate the point, she blurred directly behind Phil and caught him across the neck with a chop. The single blow laid him flat on the ground. 

Phil suddenly started caring. "Wha… who the hell are you?" 

"That is for me to know, and you to find out. It is too late for you to do anything about it. She is already mine."

Phil felt no pain, but his dream-form still struggled to get up to its feet. "WHO ARE YOU? ANSWER ME!"

Laughing all the time, Death lowered her hood. Phil instantly lost all concept of time as his eyes locked with hers. He felt as if he was sucked into pools of pure madness, swirling in a whirlpool, and he was drowning… drowning…

With a yell, Phil shot up in bed. His breathing was ragged, and his body was covered in a cold sweat. "What the hell was THAT?" 

Arthur continued sleeping. Io piped up, "What, was it the dream about the electric wombats taking over Austria again?"

Phil blinked. "No, it wasn't. But that one's scary enough, I suppose. But a second ago, I had a really strange nightmare, about the Zerg and Death and whatnot. Probably a whole lot of metaphor and imagery and whatnot. But what does it mean?"

"Well, Doctor Freud would tell you that you wanted to sleep with your mother. Then again, that was his solution to just about everything."

Phil leapt straight up as the unexpected voice came out of nowhere. In mid leap, combat training took over. By the time that he landed, Phil had assumed a defensive pose, and had his newly repaired lightsaber at the throat of the intruder. . "Who… oh, it's you." 

Loki was currently sitting backwards on a chair across from Phil. The Norse God didn't seem at all concerned by the yellow blade at his neck. "Hello to you to." 

Phil didn't lower the lightsaber. "What do you want?"

Loki smiled. "Oh, I'm just here to remind you that week one of operation "be nice to Ayeka" is a complete and utter failure. Heh. At this rate, you should tell Arthur that I always take my tea with two sugars." 

Arthur suddenly snapped awake. "Thou hast played me falsely, trickster! When I agreed to thy wager, I was under the impression that I was to be dealing with a princess, _not _a common whore!"

Loki shrugged. "Not my fault. It's all part of Ayeka's twisted logic." Loki started to file his fingernails, still ignoring Phil's lightsaber. 

Phil raised an eyebrow. "Logic? Please, do tell. I was wondering why she was acting like a slut." _Know thy enemy, and all that._

Loki said, "She's borrowing Ryoko's methods. She ignores the fact that you told Tenchi of their relation, and figures that Ryoko won by being forward. Since being the semi-demure princess failed, she's going to the other end of the spectrum. And no, there _isn't _anything you can do about it, unless you actually give in to her charms." 

Phil glared at the god. "What, you just came here to jerk my chain!?"

"Well, mostly." 

Phil's aura flickered for a few moments, before he decided that a repeat of his last attempt to bash Loki's skull wouldn't do him any good. "Are you not done with me yet, or can I get back to sleep?"

"Well, I'm done with you, at least directly. Two answer your second question, I doubt that. I'm here to get a close up analysis for your next battle with Erik. After all, have to give Pan some data with which to calculate the odds, now don't I?"

Phil made a time out gesture. "Hold on there! What makes you think we're fighting again?" 

"Oh, just the fact that he broke out of his cell about, what, an hour ago?"

"You lie!"

Loki shook his head. "Nope, I can't. It's all part of being a First Class God, Unlimited. We aren't allowed to lie. I can just do a really good job of misleading." 

Phil pointed to the door. "You're just messing with my head! I'm going to go right down there, and prove to you that he's still locked up!" Phil grabbed Loki's arm and exited the room. Loki didn't seem to object to the manhandling. 

After a few moments of walking, Loki decided to play on Phil's ego. "Well Phil, if you have truly bested Erik, why don't you tell me the tale, it ought to be interesting."

Phil smiled. _At last, a chance to deflate Loki! _"Well, it was really quite easy…" Phil bragged as he opened the door. His boast died in his throat.

Erik and Celeste were gone. Instead, the guards were in the center of the room, all tied up in the chains that had once imprisoned Erik. They had been gagged so they couldn't make any noise.

"………………AH BLOODY HELL!" Phil cursed. He ran over and began working on the chains. One of the guards began to loudly mutter through the gag. Phil yanked it off.

"What?"

"Uh, he left a message for you sir. He said electronic locks are harder to pick. He didn't say they were impossible."

"ARGH!" With a bright flash and a loud bang, Phil blasted out the door in pursuit of his elusive foe. 

Loki gave a hearty laugh. "I love this job." He stepped through a hole in the fabric of space-time and left Physics Police HQ. 

************

"That was fun! Buu like you!" Buu said, throwing his arms around both Erik and Celeste's shoulders.

"That's nice Buu. Now you're sure they'll turn back to normal?" Erik asked.

"Yes! Not stay soccer balls forever! Now what we do friend?" Buu asked.

"Oh, I'm sure we can find something Buu." Celeste said. She looked at his grimacing husband and gave him a "I know you don't like it, but I'm your wife and I do so ha ha I win" smirk.

"Is hair real?" Buu said, pulling on Erik's black locks.

"Ow! Yes!"

"Fun! Buu want hair like that!"

"Oh no you don't…OW! IT DOESN'T COME OFF!"

Celeste laughed.

"BUU BUU BUU!"

"And I bet Phil is agonizing over me not being the cell. I almost wish I was still there."

End Part 61

No, the Legacy crossover isn't over yet. But despair not, true believers: the comedy is back for the next bit. 


	62. Why Pink Is Evil

Part 62:

Why Pink Is Evil

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer

Disclaimer: In addition to our usual copyright infringements, we several new companies that are getting ripped off! So don't feel bad, Marvel, Nintendo, DC, Bird Studios, George Lucas, whoever owns Sailor Moon, and Rumihiko Takahashi; you aren't alone. 

*********

Phil and company found Erik and Celeste nearly two hours later. After Buu had found an eating contest and happily signed up, Erik had wandered into a training room and had commandeered a VR computer to help him, bluffing the tech by simply saying he was a PP special agent. The poor trusting kid hadn't suspected a thing, and Erik had commenced training. Celeste had wandered a few rooms off and was watching a Pokemon tournament with amusement.

"Who is he fighting?" Phil asked.

"Uh, he asked for the highest skilled martial artist he could find. So I gave him Cassandra Cain from the DC universe…just a moment I'll call it up…"

The screen popped up as Erik and Cassandra, better known as the third Batgirl, fought in a VR world. And Cassandra's skill was quite evident as she repeatedly handed Erik his ass. As Erik had mused, his martial arts had gotten a bit rusty, and he was trying to get them up to snuff. 

Phil and crew watched them fight for some time. While it was amusing to watch Erik get beat up, Phil desired something more for having to search for him.

"Hey, can I change his opponent?"

"Uh sure. Who?"

"You'll see…" Phil said with a smirk as he typed out commands. Batgirl vanished, and Erik looked around in confusion.

His confusion multiplied tenfold as Phil sent in his new opponent.

A Jigglypuff.

Erik wandered over and looked at the over-cute creature, trying to figure out what it was.

And then the Jigglypuff started singing. Erik promptly fell asleep. Phil started to laugh, and then started to howl as the indignant Jigglypuff proceeded to draw all over the sleeping Erik's face. Erik's computers woke him up a few seconds later, but no sooner had he got up than Jigglypuff started singing again and he fell asleep again. By the forth time this had happened Phil was rolling on the floor.

Erik wised up eventually, using his computers to switch off his hearing. Phil managed to change the VR Jigglypuff's status to "Invincible" before Erik started kicking the poor creature all over the training room.

Phil let him do that for a bit before he finally decided enough was enough and turned off the program. Omi and GoChibi had fetched Celeste, but since she had not actually aided Erik's escape, they could do little but watch her.

And even she started laughing when Erik headed out with marker all over his face. He looked confused, not at Phil being there (indeed, he looked like he had expected it sooner or later), but at the hilarity. He eventually pulled out a mirror and grimaced.

"Cute, Phil. I thought that was VR."

"A slight adjustment." Phil chuckled.

Erik pulled out a rag and began wiping his face off. When he finally finished he pulled it away to reveal 25 heavily armed PP guards aiming their weapons at him.

"Third time's the charm, Phil?"

"Get him out of here! And make sure he CAN'T ESCAPE THIS TIME! And take the woman too! And keep her away from Buu! We don't need her hatching another plot involving him." Phil said. Erik and Celeste smirked at each other as they were lead off, as if they were sharing some private joke.

"Well, he didn't kill anyone at least. I think Warren is the worst of our lot, and he didn't kill him. At least we don't have to worry about that." Ralph said, as he completed a Force scan. 

"Hey, look at this! Cassandra beat up Erik 27 times!" Omi said as she checked the records of the training. Phil suddenly felt better.

"Call them up! And get some popcorn!"

*************8

"OK, you little punk!" Sergeant McKenna yelled at the heavily restrained Erik. "Let me tell you about your situation! Your cybernetics have been disabled by a computer that have three separate backup units in case one fails! You are bound at the neck to the floor by five chains of hardened, pure adamantium, which could barely be destroyed with a molecular destabilizer, which, by the way, is nowhere within twenty miles of this room! You have three Reality Checkers on you with the two backups primed to go off if the first one fails. And outside this room is a squad of four troopers waiting to pound the living shit out of you in their Elemental Power Armor if you even sneeze! If there is any way of escaping this situation, I would love to hear it!"

Erik had had his head down during the whole rant, and as McKenna finished, his shoulders began to shake. For a moment McKenna experienced a great surge of joy at the concept that he may have broken the blasted vigilante and caused him to cry.

Then Erik looked up. He was laughing.

"You want good way out? Well, you're just going to love THIS!"

With that, the MTD finished its crawl up McKenna's shoulder and jammed a small needle into his ceratoid artery. McKenna's eyes went wide as he felt the prick.

"Two words buddy. Planning ahead." Erik said.

And then McKenna screamed as the hallucinogenic on the needle took effect. Unfortunately for McKenna, the room was soundproof. This was meant so no one would be disturbed by any noise Erik might have made, and it had backfired.

"Oh god, what is that by your waist!" Erik said in false panic. In reality it was just a variety of devices that included the keys to Erik's chains. However, due to the chemical that was now altering McKenna's vision, he saw them as one of his worst fears: snakes. Yelling and screaming, he began tossing things off his belt. The keys flew through the air and landed several feet from Erik. Then the second part of the drug kicked in, and McKenna lost consciousness, sliding to the ground in a daze.

"Bring them to me." Erik said, as the remaining MTD's he had released before he had been captured came out of the cracks and corners they had hidden in. Combined, they managed to drag the keys within Erik's reach. He swiftly unlocked his chains. Stomping on the Reality Checkers took them out of the picture. A swift blast to the computers reactivated Erik's cybernetics. Erik flexed and walked over to the fallen Sergeant.

"One last thing buddy…" Erik said, as he slowly traced his fingers over McKenna's face and head, even as his computer ran his memories of his yelling voice through their systems.

Fifteen minutes later the door opened and Sergeant McKenna walked out towards the waiting troops.

"Commander!" one of them said as he saluted. "Any orders?"

"Yes, be on your guard. That vigilante is a very tricky fellow. If you even see any movement near that door I want you to barrage it with non-lethal weaponry! But nothing lethal, we need him alive for trial! But don't be too gentle now, you hear?" McKenna said. Several soldiers chuckled and traded some jokes as he left them behind, walking out the door.

One, however, was a bit puzzled.

"Was he shorter before…?"

"McKenna" walked out of the door and down the hallway. It was virtually empty. A few seconds later Celeste appeared out of the shadows. The two looked at each other.

'Young lady, what happened to the soldiers who were watching you?"

"They took a nap."

"Slackers…" McKenna said as his voice slowly changed to Erik's. Then the FS-X loosened and went liquid, as McKenna's features melted and slid away to reveal Erik again. The gel went into a compartment on his arm, as he pulled off the "borrowed" uniform and disposed of it down a nearby laundry chute.

"Did you get it?"

"Yes." Celeste said as she held up a small creature in a cage. 'It's called a ysalarmiri. It totally blocks the Force, so Ralph can't trace you."

Erik adopted a bemused expression. "And here I thought all of those Star Wars novels you read were a waste of time. Erik said as he put the small cage in a pocket, checking to make sure the creature was comfortable. The worm-like reptile (or reptilian worm; it was hard to tell) was still perched upon its nutrient stick and looked to be napping. 

"Where's Buu?"

"Still at the eating contest. He looks quite happy, so you don't have to worry about him for a bit."

"Good. You attract the weirdest friends. Now, where's a computer?"

"Follow me."

Celeste led her husband to one of the main computer facilities. No one took much notice as several tools slid from his arm and into the device. Celeste kept careful watch as her husband sat there, his eyes blinking rapidly. About 42 minutes later, the devices detached and Erik stood up.

"There. It was immensely complex, almost overwhelming…but I did it. Your file and mine are gone, as is all the information gathered on us. They can't track us by signal, or energy signature, or by the Force…and if they think of another way I'll find a way out of it."

A commotion was suddenly heard outside of the computer room. Erik glanced at his wife.

"Methinks my latest jailbreak has been discovered. Come my dear; let us be gone before they start searching. This building is truly immense, and contains so many interesting things from hundreds of thousands of universes. Let's go sightseeing."

Phil had no words for the sight before him: a furious McKenna in his underwear covered with recently cut netting and more then a few burns and bruises from non-lethal weapons, a whole bunch of scared shitless troops realizing they'd zapped their commander, and the realization that Erik had gotten away AGAIN.

__

The sane are no challenge…Echoed through Phil's skull.

"WHAT ARE YOU STANDING THERE FOR? FIND HIM! YESTERDAY!" Phil roared at the masses of troops that were beginning to gather.

"Shouldn't be too hard. We'll just follow the bodies." Chibi Ryoko said.

"Except he probably won't be killing anyone. We seem to have good standards. If there are "Corrupt" amongst us they seem to be very few." Ralph said. He was probing with the Force but getting nothing. _Damn._

"Great. We have two people who are experts at hiding in a building a hundred times the size of Bludhaven. Why me? WHY ME?" Phil asked the ceiling. He thought he heard Loki chuckle in his head. Thought.

"Well squire, why worry yourself? Your case is solved. Your foe was beaten. If what your ally says is true he won't be trying to hurt anyone. He is someone else's responsibility now." Arthur said.

"Maybe, but the taste of that mess in Australia is still in my mouth, and it's bitter. I hate compromise. We're gonna find him, and THIS time…"

"He'll get away. Again. Hey Dad, ever think of trying to recruit this guy for…"

"Bite your tongue!"

"Well, no reason to kill yourself Phil. We'll just do a general sweep of the area. He probably…" Ecks began

"Is halfway to Coruscant to say hello to Palpatine, knowing my luck. OK, let's go!" Phil said, as he headed out the door. He would leave McKenna to deal with his troops.

The group left, Ecks bringing up the rear. Her headache was getting worse.

"Ye gods, is there anything this guy can't figure out?" Phil muttered. 

****************

"Can you figure this out?" Celeste asked her husband.

"Nope, I have no idea what's going on." Erik said as he watched the two men place cards down, as giant creatures came and went due to the actions of the two. It appeared to be some kind of complicated game.

"I play Cyber Master!"

"And I counter with the Blue Eyes White Dragon!"

The Cyber Master went bye bye, disappearing as the fake dragon blew a fake lightning bolt and killed the creature.

"OK, I am watching this for five more minutes and then leaving." Erik said.

An hour later…

"NO NO NO! Don't use Swords of Revealing Light! Use Brain Control and use it with a Polymerize to combine your Black Eyes Red Dragon and the Summon Skull!" Erik yelled at one of the duelists. Celeste rolled her eyes. Of all the things to happen, her husband had gotten hooked on Duel Monsters.

Elsewhere…

The Physics Police maintain literally thousands of simulation rooms throughout their massive headquarters. They range in sophistication from standard gyms to levels that make the Danger Room's Shi'ar technology look like tinker toys. Ever since the mysteriously abandoned headquarters had been discovered years ago, the best scientific minds at the Physics Police's disposal had been struggling to unlock the secrets of the latter category to no avail. On one occasion, a dimensional analogue of Washuu had been brought in to poke around the devices. She had shut herself in for nearly 48 hours. When she had come out again, all she had to say was, "It beats the hell out of me!" 

As the Physics Police cannot understand the technology, much less reproduce it, each room of this quality is constantly guarded by hundreds of lethal security systems. 

Erik thought that he had the run of the headquarters. Had he attempted to enter one of these rooms, both he and Celeste would have been vaporized a dozen times over before they could blink. (And in the back of his head, Phil kind of hoped that would happen. He would have LOVED to see the look on Erik's face when he was brought back via the Dragon Balls or whatnot. However, Phil doubted it would happen, probably because he doubted Erik would be careless enough to just walk into a room, and the fact that the universe never passed up a chance to spite him)

Thus, as Phil entered one of these simulators, nearly three thousand different forms of sensors scanned him. Each sensor suite reported that he was who he said he was. Phil stood patiently before what at first glance appeared to be a metal wall. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then, the wall literally melted away, seamlessly merging with the floor at his feet. Phil walked where a solid wall had been a moment before into a large, nondescript room. It was reminiscent of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber (or Room of Space and Time, as some preferred to call it) of Dragon Ball universes. An empty whiteness stretched in all directions. 

The Simulated Environment Replication Artificial Intelligence (S.E.R.A.I) that ran the room spoke in a warm, feminine voice. "Please submit final authorization code."

Because cloning is a fairly widespread technology, each agent authorized to use the high-end rooms is given one final test of identity, in the form of a personalized password. Phil had chosen his shortly after becoming a full member of the force. "Murphy was an optimist." 

S.E.R.A.I processed the code for a moment, checking his voice and statement against her records. Satisfied with the match, she said, "Code accepted. Good Day, Unit Commander Phil. Please specify desired training sequence."

Phil shifted his symbiote from his normal blue uniform to a training gi similar to Goku's. In place of orange and blue were green and white. An incredibly detailed green and gold eastern style dragon snaked its way from Phil's left side, up across to his right shoulder, its head ending up in a position on Phil's chest. Its blue eyes seemed to shine with a life of their own in the reflected light. 

Io took temporary control of their neck to observe the change in clothing. In a curious tone, she said, "Ooh, not bad, Phil. Where'd you come up with that?"

Phil blinked. "I don't know; it just came to me." It seemed oddly familiar… Phil just shrugged it off. 

Io gave a few practice punches, getting a feel for the gi. "Did you ever consider going into fashion design? This is pretty comfy, looks great and it allows plenty of space to move!"

Phil regained control. "No, I didn't. It's not like it took any skill either; it's pretty easy when you can have anything you think of become your clothing." 

S.E.R.A.I spoke up. "Please specify desired training sequence." 

Getting back to business, Phil thought for a few moments, before saying, "Set gravity to one hundred times Terran standard. Await further instructions."  
  


S.E.R.A.I responded, "Affirmative. Please brace for increased gravitational pull in T-minus 3… 2… 1… gravity now increasing."

Phil scarcely noticed the change. This was OK, since all he wanted at the moment was a "light" warm-up while he pondered recent events. He blasted upwards into the air, and then began to blur around the chamber, launching a barrage of kicks and punches into thin air. 

His face contorted into a hard grimace as he pictured Erik in his mind. _Damn him! _

Another voice spoke in his mind. _Hey, don't sweat it, Phil. It's like Arthur said; he's someone else's problem now. _

Shaddap, Io! Don't interrupt me when I'm thinking!

A deeper, more masculine voice let itself be heard. _Squire, thou art beginning to obsess. Thou hast thine own problems back at thy home. Do not let thyself forget that thou shalt soon be the King, even if for a short while. _

Phil said aloud, "S.E.R.A.I, increase gravity 100%." Phil was instantly forced to draw upon more of his power to retain the same level of activity. _No Wart, I actually plan to be King for a good while yet. _

Arthur's shock was such that he inadvertently sized control of Phil's vocal cords. "Dost thou realize what thou speaks? That was not a part of our bargain!"

Phil stopped his program for a moment as he mentally shoved Arthur out of his physical body. "Wart, that was your bargain, NOT mine. You're the one that made a deal with Loki. I am not technically bound by any contract you signed."

Io spoke up again. _Why would you want to be the King, anyway? You made it quite clear to Serenity that you don't like monarchy. _

Phil responded, "You want to know why? I'll tell you why. I want control of my life. As long as I've lived, some bureaucracy of some sort has controlled what I do, how I do it, when I do it, and if I do it!"

_Such is life, Squire._

"Wrong, Wart. Most people get to choose their careers. I found out recently that I was bred specifically to do what I'm doing now. I was predestined to be a warrior, never given a choice one way or the other. Even when I dropped of the Physics Police's radar for a few years after Dad died, I was still manipulated by random people and forced to battle just to survive. When they found me again, they never once asked if I wanted to join up with the organization that my father died trying to protect. No, I got drafted so fast that my head still spins."

"The whole bit with Lotion and Ayeka still bugs me. If I can't choose my career, I should at least be able to decide who I love. But noooooooo! Ayeka started chasing me on the rebound, and Lotion is honor bound to get me. I haven't seen Kione since I met you guys. I don't know if we even have any future together, beyond Omi." Phil sighed. "I'm supposed to be everyone's good natured workhorse and whipping boy."

Phil powered up more and increased the ferocity of his workout. "And then along comes that whiny Erik! Sure, he had it tough at first. I'll acknowledge that. But he has it pretty good from where I'm standing. He's managed to slay those who have wronged him, find a beautiful wife who's as crazy as he is and has brainwashed just about everyone he's met into thinking of him as some 'necessary' angel of vengeance! Now he just kills the evil as a recreational activity!" Phil let his growing anger out, putting him into the Super Saiyan state. "S.E.R.A.I, increase current gravity 1000%." Phil grunted as his weight increased to 2,000 times its norm. He continued his routine, but it was noticeably slower. "And yet, he's managed to get the pity of everyone he meets! It's just mind boggling!" 

Io said, _You know, you DO have a point there. _

For a few minutes, there was silence from all parties involved. Phil eventually found himself approaching muscle failure under the extreme weight. "S.E.R.A.I, set gravity to ten times Terran standard." 

"Gravity lessening."

Phil floated down to the ground, panting from his exertions. After a few moments, he lowered himself to one knee. "Computer, Gravity to Terran standard." Then, he began his rant anew. "Angel of Vengeance nothing. (Pant). He's just a slasher that found himself (pant) a more socially (huff) acceptable group of victims. Like Jack the Ripper in a world where anarchy rules. And on some level, I think he (pant) knows it. It's just that he's gone through the bad monologues so many times that he's brainwashed himself too." 

_Squire, I think that thou givest him too little credit. _

"And I think that everyone gives him too much!" Phil powered back to his normal state. Sweat ran down his face in rivulets as he continued panting. He briefly considered downing a Senzu bean to replenish his strength, but decided that it would be a waste; besides, he felt tired, but it was a good kind of tired. 

Io sighed. "I don't see why you do this so much, Phil. All of this working out just a waste of time."

"Oh sure, Miss 'I'm going to go train with King Kai for the next 10,000 years trying to get revenge on myself.'"

Io coughed in an embarrassed manner. "That wasn't _exactly _what I meant. What I mean is that you've been trying too hard to make yourself stronger; your mind needs exercise too."

Phil blinked. "Huh?"

"Erik was always ten steps ahead of you; I mean, he knew how you would respond after meeting you once! Sure, it's part of his whole telepathy bit, but still… you're kind of predictable."

Phil shook his head. "No, I figured out what you meant the first time around. And you're right; I do need to work a bit on my tactics. I was more surprised that you actually had something _useful _to say for once."

Arthur stifled a chuckle. Io responded sarcastically. "Ha ha ha. Very funny."

Phil chomped down on a Senzu bean, wincing at the bitter taste. _Ugh! That taste! You'd think that we could genetically engineer something that didn't make you want to gag. Oh well; I'm ready for this next exercise. _"And as to my being predictable, well, he has that 'the sane are no challenge' bit in his favor."

"What art thy excuse, Squire?"

Phil blinked. "When did you learn sarcasm, Wart?" 

"I hath been in thy head for a good while, Squire; I supposed that I hath been infected."

Phil decided to stop exchanging repartee with his roommate. "As I was saying, it isn't that I'm predictable; it's the fact that I've been letting him get a few seconds to think. Next time I even have a chance of going against him, it's blitzkrieg all the way."

Io was confused. "Blitzkrieg?"

Phil nodded. "German for lightning strike. The basic idea is that you hit them with no warning, with so much force that they can't respond in time to do anything about it. I'm going to hit hard and fast, before he can even blink!"

_Will we eat spleen?_

"Only if you're very good." Phil addressed the computer. "S.E.R.A.I, I want a one on one fight."

"Acknowledged. Please select venue."

"Random terrain on a Class M planet." This made sure that he wasn't suddenly put into a vacuum without a spacesuit; the advanced room was more than good enough to make the experience deadly. "Set no time or space limits. Don't initialize the terrain until the battle begins. I want it to be a surprise."

"Acknowledged." There was a brief pause. "Please specify opponent."

"Random opponent within the following parameters; Chi power level within 10% of my maximum, with a wide variety of exotic techniques."

"Processing… simulacrum ready. Are there any further qualifications at this time?"

"No. Begin simulation in T minus 10 seconds."

"Acknowledged. 10… 9…"

Phil closed out the voice as he focused the potential within him. Manna reserves began to strengthen his Chi, and the air around him began to swirl about him, buffeting his hair and green gi with the updraft. He completed activating his Mystic Talent as S.E.R.A.I finished her countdown. 

"3…2…1… Simulation beginning." 

Phil momentarily fought vertigo as the world around him shimmered and shifted. Where a never-ending whiteness had been a moment before, there was now… never-ending whiteness.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. The sky was more of a gray color, and the massive barrage of snowflakes that was assailing him allowed some visibility. 

Or rather, massive barrage of snowflakes that now barraged her. Phil felt the odd tingling that indicated that the Jusenkyo curse had been activated. "Damn it! My breath must have melted enough of the flakes to get me!" Phil mentally ordered the symbiote to accommodate her clothing to match the shorter form. 

Io gave a cheer until Arthur mentally glared at her. Phil was much less chivalrous and simply shoved her. 

The internal war was instantly halted as a familiar voice spoke from the gloom. "I don't know who you are, old lady, but I'm gonna enjoy this!" 

Phil's eyes darted around. _Who? Where? _Without warning, a small blur blasted from out of the snow and caught Phil with a blow to the cheek. 

Caught completely off guard by the sudden attack, Phil went flying into a snow bank. The previous chill increased tenfold and Phil began to shiver. Shaking her head, Phil managed to regain enough of a grip to remember where she was. She blasted out of the snow, spraying white in all directions. "Where are you? Come on out!"

The voice laughed in a mocking tone. Phil wasn't sure who it was, but her assailant was definitely much younger than her. "Yeah right, lady. I want this to be a battle to remember, and if I tell you where I am, that'll ruin the whole plan!" 

Phil barely managed to dodge over a flurry of kicks as the young man began his attack. He grunted in an odd, stereo voice as Phil countered with a kick to the gut. He went flying out of sight under the power of the blow. 

Phil assumed a defensive stance as she reached out with her senses. "That voice… that attitude… it couldn't be anyone but…" 

She sidestepped an attempted tackle and extended her right arm. The arm connected with a perfect clothesline maneuver. 

The black and purple haired teenager rubbed his bloodied nose. In a whiny tone, he said, "Hey! That's not fair!"

Phil finished her earlier sentence. "Gotenks." Phil rolled her eyes. "I guess he does technically qualify… I need to specify 'no egomaniacs' the next time I do this."

Virtual Gotenks growled, "I am not an egomaniac!"

The winds howled around them as Phil retorted, "Do you even know what that means?"

"Uh… no."

Phil smacked her forehead. _Methinks the computer did too good a job with the simulation. I think we have the first incident of artificial stupidity here! _In a condescending tone, Phil said, "Now, would you mind going Super Saiyan Three so I can get a good workout?" 

Gotenks shook his head. "Naw, that's against the plan. Y'see, I'm going to fight you in my normal state, then reveal my unexpected transformation just when it seems like I'm going to lose!"

"If I know about it, then it isn't an unexpected transformation, now is it?"

Gotenks stopped. "Hmmm… that IS a good point. But, I did want to save it for later… how about I just go Super?"

Phil shrugged. "That's better than nothing, I suppose." Gotenks cried out as a bright yellow aura surrounded him. His hair stood even more on end and turned yellow. As he completed the transformation, Phil could feel his Chi increase considerably. Phil blinked a few times. _Chi? I knew this simulator was good, but **artificial Chi?** Now that just feels wrong, somehow…_

The wind died down, as did the snowfall. Gotenks nearly up to his waist in snowfall even as he chuckled. "Heh heh. You're pretty good, but you're no match for my top secret techniques!"

With a heavily lidded gaze, Phil said, "Oh? Secret techniques, eh? What kind of techniques?" Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.

Gotenks didn't notice. He leapt at Phil, fists swinging. "Try these on for size! Megaton punch!" Phil blocked a perfectly ordinary punch with her arm. "Nuclear Kick!" Phil dodged under the partially powered up kick. "Angry Supreme Wombat!" Gotenks' right arm glowed a purple color as he caught Phil with the attack. A bright flash filled the air as the strike hit. 

Phil went flying back for a few moments, and then performed a handspring. She landed feet first, ready for the coming attack. She waited for Gotenks' next move. 

The simulated Super Saiyan simply stood there, his face a bright red. He had a look on his face that said that higher brain functions had gone off-line. His right hand was also cupped and twitched, as if holding onto something. 

Io, meanwhile, was livid. "That bastard! How dare he!"

"What're you bitchin' about, Io?"

"Didn't you notice? He out and out groped us!"

Phil went back over the attack in her head. It had indeed hit her ample chest, and it had remained there for a few seconds longer than necessary… "Hey, you're right! Hey you little punk, what're you trying to pull?"

Gotenks' blush increased tenfold. He stammered, "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to do that. Say… I… I didn't really noticed how pretty you are. You wanna go on a date with me when this over?" 

For once, all three inhabitants of Phil's body acted in perfect agreement. "DIE!" Their aura flared to life as they blasted toward the unfortunate simulacrum. 

Gotenks instantly found himself on the defensive as Phil unloaded dozens of blows in the time it took most people to blink. Most were evaded, but enough were getting through that the simulated warrior was a bloody mess. 

Finally, Phil kneed him in the gut with such ferocity that he stayed in the air for several seconds. Even while he was still in midair, Phil brought her hands together and hit him with a sledgehammer blow that sent him flying. 

Phil screamed, "Gotenks no hentai! SHI SHI HOUKOU DAN!" A brilliant purple beam of light followed the simulation's flight path. When the two met, there was a massive explosion. A shockwave sent the freshly fallen snow rippling away. It formed into a horizontal avalanche, which flowed straight towards Phil. 

The Mystic Warrior seemed to ignore the wave until a few moments before it hit. She looked up and gave the avalanche a hard glare. It parted around her in a biblical manner. Even as the area around her was buried in an additional ten feet of snow, Phil looked up at the slowly expanding cloud of smoke. "Hmmm… I'm not picking him up, and that baka is too stupid to mask his Chi… oh my god!"

Arthur caught the obvious shock in Phil's voice. "What art wrong? Were we injured?" He didn't feel any pain coming from their body, but who knew…

"Naw, it ain't that. Look! Somebody is actually dead when the smoke cleared!" Indeed, all traces of the simulated Gotenks had been annihilated in the blast. "That's like some kind of violation of the laws of physics or something!" 

Io piped up. "Yeah, I remember King Kai mentioning that once… he never could tell me why though…"

Phil decided to shrug it off. "Must have been a glitch. S.E.R.A.I?"

The computerized voice immediately responded, "Yes?"

"Turn off the current terrain. I want another fight; that weakling couldn't even get me going!" Io laughed out loud in the back of Phil's psyche. "What's so… oh. Get your mind out of the gutter, Io! That wasn't what I meant, and you know it!" The dead Senshi kept laughing. At least, until Phil shoved her again. 

S.E.R.A.I switched off the Tundra settings. The field of white turned back into… a field of white. "Specifications?"

Phil adopted a thoughtful expression. It would have driven her mad to know just how cute her expression was at that moment (so let's not tell her, OK?). "Give me a standard Dragonball style battlefield. Y'know, with the massive expanses of badlands that were practically made for blowing up?"

The air around Phil shimmered as her request was granted. "Please select opponent."

Phil answered immediately, "Someone approximately as strong as I am. Make sure that it ISN'T Gotenks. Make sure that they have USEFUL exotic attacks, and enough _intellect_ to use them effectively. And just to be safe, turn the libido down to zero. Got it?"

S.E.R.A.I paused for a moment. "Acknowledged. Simulation has begun." 

Phil adopted a fighting pose. She waited for a full minute before glancing around, looking for any trace of her opponent. As the minutes passed, Phil crossed her arms across her chest, impatiently tapping her toe on the ground. "Obviously, S.E.R.A.I picked a really slow opponent…" 

Suddenly, Phil caught a movement out of the corner of her eye. She responded quickly enough to avoid being splattered over the terrain by a pink blur. She leapt up, looking for a hint of the mysterious opponent's location. Suddenly, a blow came from behind, smashing her in the small of her back. She cried out in pain as she slammed into the ground below, forming a crater. 

Despite her agony, she managed to look up at her assailant. "W-who?"

Obscured by the sun's rays, the dark figure waved his finger at her in a "tsk, tsk" motion. "No, the word you're looking for is…" he said as he came close enough to be identified. "Buu. Majin Buu."

Phil had managed to get to her feet by this time. She studied the figure before her. At first she thought that the Buu Celeste had befriended had somehow wandered into her training room by some miracle, and then she discounted that idea as being too intelligent for Buu. Then she took a closer look. He was indeed Buu, but was significantly different from the one that she had fought. For one thing, he actually had a nose. For another, he was dressed in a vest identical to Gotenks.' The fleshy appendage atop of his head was longer, and much more supple and whip-like. She shook her head, attempting to clear the pain from her mind. "Let me guess. You just absorbed Piccolo and Gotenks." 

Virtual Buu nodded. "That's right. And from the looks of it, little girl, you're next!" He cracked his knuckles, all the while smirking in an egotistical manner. 

Phil smirked right back. With a confident gleam in her eyes, she said, "Good, I was looking for a challenge…" And with that, the battle began in earnest. 

Elsewhere…

In a lounge somewhere in Physics Police headquarters, a pair of men sat upon a couch. One was dressed in a mage's robes, while the other was a Namek in an outfit reminiscent of Piccolo's, minus the shoulder pads. Before the two beings lay a massive, 72-inch, high definition, surround sound television set

Both had opted to extend the couches built in footrests, and were leaning back in a very relaxed pose. The mage was enjoying a beer, while the Namek was content to stick to water. The human was currently flipping through the channels, unsatisfied with what he was finding. "Seen it… seen it… garbage… crap… crap… seen it… boring… stupid… French… FUNimation…" The mage, Chad, looked to his companion. "Hey Timpa, is there anything good on tonight?"

The Namek, now identified as Timpa, looked down at a small magazine. "Let's see here… I think we've seen that one… and that one… hey, they're apparently showing any good matches in the simulators on channel 60."

Chad considered. "Eh, sure, why not?" He hit the requisite buttons on the remote, and the screen flashed to the previously mentioned scene. 

Phil cried out as Buu's head-tail latched around her neck. She struggled weakly for a few moments, before firing a Mouko Takabisha at the alien being. It simply opened a hole in its torso, letting the blast fly right through. Buu laughed at this. He said something, though the camera couldn't pick it up over the explosion from Phil's attack. 

Even as Buu congratulated himself, Phil used the slip in concentration to blast toward him. Used the head-tail's own slack against Buu, slamming her elbow into his face. Buu released his grip on Phil's throat as she drove her right elbow into his gut, smashing him into the ground. Phil didn't give him a moment's respite, following up the strike with a Kamehameha wave. The blue bolt of energy lashed almost angrily at the planet's surface, burrowing deep into the crust before finally exploding. 

Timpa looked at his companion. Chad's attention was totally fixed on the scene before him. The Namek smiled. "It certainly is a rousing battle, isn't it?"

"In all honesty, I like the 'scenery' more than the battle." Timpa noticed that the cameras had focused in on Phil's face. Sweat and blood had matted her blue hair, and her face was flushed from her exertions. Still, Timpa knew that she was exceedingly lovely… by human standards, at least.

Timpa rolled his eyes. _Humans. _Then, Timpa noticed a few statistics flash across the bottom of the screen. He blinked a few times upon finding out who the combatant was. "Say Chad, do you know who that is?" The ogling man shook his head as he took a sip from his beer. "That's Phil. You remember him, right? Our good buddy from our academy days?"

Brown carbonated beverage covered the television screen. "Wh-what!?"

Timpa smirked. _I love it when they do that. _"Yup. Says that he ended up with a Jusenkyo curse."

Chad shuddered. He turned the television off. "I feel so dirty." Something occurred to the mage. "Y'know what, Timpa? That sure does seem to happen a lot."

Timpa nodded his agreement. "So, want to see what else is on?"

Chad shook his head. "No, I think I've had enough television for a good LONG while. Let's go play some Ping-Pong. And no super speed this time!"

"Only if you agree not to halt time again."

"Done and done." With that, both Physics Policemen left the room.

End Part 62

And now, as a special bonus… BobCat's letter corner!

BobCat: "Good day, all. Well, I promised you an Ask Phil kind of section. But, since the only person who actually sent in a letter was my bleeding co-author, I figure I'll punish you by having me run the show."

flaktrap: "The horror! The horror!"

BobCat: "Anyway, Ash the Wanderer sends us the following questions/comments."

__

You have an alternate personality now? Geez.  
  
OK, why don't you answer me this: WHY is Phil so sour on life? You have never gotten to that Phil's Tale yet.  
  
And how do the PP get all their data anyway? Were they hiding behind a rock for everything in existence happening?

BobCat: "Well, let's see… I don't have any alternate personalities that I'm aware of…" (sudden voice change) "I'm too good at hiding from that dolt anyway." (BobCat shakes his head). "Where was I? Ah yes. I was just commenting on the lameness of any letter column that didn't receive any letters. Those of you out there who don't like what Ash has done with this fic, remember this : **_his letter saved your sanity from a storm of self-written letters in L33T._**"

****

flaktrap: "Or what's left of it after the first sixty-one chapters."

BobCat: "Hey! Is this flaktrap's letter corner?" (No response.) "I didn't think so." 

BobCat: "As for the second question, we turn to dead Austrian pervert, Sigmund Freud. Herr Freud?"

Freud: "Vell, vhat ve zee here is zat Phil zuffers from a lack of a guiding female figure early in his life, meaning that with no figure for an Oedipus complex to develop around, he has had free floating feelings that have no release."

BobCat (blink. Blink.) "In English?"

Freud: (Sighs.) He's nuts and angry at the world about it. 

BobCat: So there you have it… man, that kinda means that my whole Physics Police prequel I'm planning is kinda unnecessary… Moving on, Ash, really? You think the Physics Police have to resort to such low-tech methods of figuring out what happens? Please… 

Phil (in the background, whispering into walky-talky): This is Unit Commander Phil to the 'Sit Behind Rocks and Write Everything Down' division! Your cover is blown, repeat, your cover is blown!"

BobCat (coughs into hand) Well, until next time, kiddies, don't accept candy from strangers unless they offer to give you a ride home to get your parent's permission. And send in some actual letters, or 4 s+0rm 0f 1337 sh4ll d3sc3nd up0n 4ll! And if you can decipher that, we both need some serious web-comic detox. 


	63. Newsbreak

Part 63

Newsbreak

By BobCat

Disclaimer: I cannot tell a lie.  I did not invent Tenchi Muyo!, or the stuff in Marvel comics.  

Note: This chapter is to give everyone a break from Erik, and also to give you all an idea of what's happening in FC-1.  Plus, it was very easy to write… I'll have to do this more often.  The "Ask Phil" column will also be up soon.   

        *********************       

        "To a certain extent, 'unbiased news' is only propaganda that you agree with."  A BobCat original.  It will make more sense when you read the chapter.  

        *********************

        Tenchi stumbled in the door, flinging his homework-gorged book bag onto the floor.  "Ugh… finals week…"  His brain felt numb.  So very, very numb… he didn't want to think, he didn't want to write, he didn't want to move.  Struggling to stay on his feet, he moved towards the couch.  "Couch… warm… _Treaty of Versailles was written in 1919 Gutenberg invented the printing press quote the raven nevermore F=GmM/d² 1984 was more prophetic than we think_ **argh** make my brain stop, pleasepleaseplease!"

        Ryoko teleported above Tenchi and floated there for several seconds.  Seeing his pain, she flew down and latched onto him.  "What's the matter Tenchi?"

        Tenchi shuddered.  "Four finals in one day.  I was up all last night studying, and I can't seem to get _Madam Curie discovered radiation_ the facts into storage.  I just want to _cogito ergo sum_ veg out in front of the TV."  

        Ryoko grinned mischievously.  "Y'know, if you don't want to think, there are, far more… pleasurable activities that don't require much thought…"

        "Nice try, Ryoko," Tenchi said with an annoyed tone.

        Ryoko shrugged.  "Hey, can't blame a girl for trying."  She released Tenchi, who continued his zombie-like walk and flopped down on the couch.  

        Tenchi moaned, "Would you mind changing the channels for me?  I think that Einstein's theory of relativity erased my brain's motor controls."  

        Ryoko, feeling a bit sympathetic for his plight, teleported next to Tenchi, but resisted the urge to fondle him further.  She grabbed the remote control and turned on the television.

        ********************

        On the TV…

        (Two men and a woman are sitting at a table.  In the background is a flashy looking logo, with "Channel 76 Action News" written in red.  They are Josh, Tom and Donna.  It doesn't matter what they look like.  If you must, imagine your own local news people.  They all look the same anyhow.)   

        Tom: (Just finishing a story) "And I'll bet that squirrel was surprised!"  

        (All newscasters engage in bored-sounding laughter at the uninteresting anecdote.)  

        Josh (camera focuses in): "In other news, peace talks between the mutant terrorist Magneto and the United States government fell through in light of the reinitiating of the Sentinel program.  For more, we turn to our correspondent in Washington, D.C.  Jake?"  

        (Scene shifts to a man standing in front of a fake picture of the White House.)

        Jake: Thank you, Josh.  Today, President Colin Powell signed into law a bill that, among other things, returned funding to thxe Sentinel program.  This is his first act as President, following the tragedy of George Bush choking on a pretzel and Dick Cheney's heart attack following the news, all of this after the people next in line were forced to step down due to charges of corruption.  President Powell, inaugurated last Thursday, stated that the purpose of the program was not to hunt mutants, but to provide research and funding into attempts to match the European Veritech program.  Magneto's reactionary and irresponsible response has endangered millions of mutants both in the USNA and abroad.  Back to you, Josh."

        Josh: "Thank you, Jake.  We now turn to Donna with a report on recent developments in England.  Donna?"

        Donna: "Thank you, Josh."  (A picture of Phil's silhouette with a superimposed question mark appears behind her)  "Ever since the death of the entire British royal family in a freak photography accident, the search has been on for the heir to the throne, not only of England, but all of Western Europe, under the terms of the European Union's constitution.  Since then, General of the Armies Peter Davion has sat on the throne, although insiders say that he is uncomfortable in the position.  As Davion is only distantly related to the royal family, the search has been on for a more suitable heir.  According to sources close to the throne, such an heir has been found.  In a press conference, the Baron von Brandenburg, Hans Krauss, revealed the identity of the new king."

        (The screen cuts to a stiff man with brown hair and a mustache standing before several rows of the press.)

        Krauss: "With the recent stabilization of the Australian Invasion, we have declassified several documents involving the situation.  Among them is the agreement hammered out with the leader of the aliens, orchestrated by Prince Philip, a relative newcomer to the scene.  I will now answer any questions that you may have."  (Several hands are raised.  Unlike some conferences, Krauss seems to insist on formality and order).  "Yes?"  (Points to a woman in the front row).  

        Blond woman: "Mary O'Hare, Dublin Times.  How is this Philip related to the royal family?"

        Krauss: "Prince Philip's lineage is currently unclear, but genetic tests indicate that he is a second cousin to the main line, far closer than any surviving member of the family.*  Next question.  (Scans the crowd).  You, in the third row."

        Red haired man: "Tim Russel, New York Times.  If he has been discovered, why hasn't he been coronated yet, given the current difficulties faced by the Union?"

        Krauss: "Although for security reasons we cannot reveal his current location, we can say that he is currently on a tour of the Empire so that he can get a hands on view of the state of his future Kingdom.  The coronation is set for next Thursday."

        (Scene shifts back to Donna in the studio.)

        Donna: Although not much is known about Prince Philip, his success in setting up a treaty with the alien bugs is a feather in his cap.  Back to you, Tom."  

        Tom: Thanks, Donna.  When channel 76 returns, we look into the tale of a local man who won an Olympic medal in curling over fifty years ago."

        ***************

        Tenchi shuddered.  "That isn't news!  Curling isn't even a sport!  Stupid 'human interest' stories… change the channel, please."

        Ryoko was deep in thought.  "Prince Philip?  You don't think that could be…"

        Tenchi shook his head.  "Nah, that's silly."  Tenchi leafed through a TV guide.  "Maybe we can find out more on this debate show?  Channel 58."

        ***************

        Channel 58…

        (There are two people sitting back at a table.  One has a Donkey painted on the wall behind him, the other an elephant.)

        Republican Jerk in Suit (RJS): "What!?  How can you possibly agree that giving away Australia is a good idea, you dirty hippie!?"

        Democrat Jerk in Suit (DJS): "Look, you conservative freak!  I don't care what racist and imperialistic ideas you have, it's a simple matter of fact that no military on Earth could have stopped those bugs with the momentum they'd built up!  I rest my case!"

        RJS: "You radical homosexual son of a bitch!  The USNA has MORE than enough power to wipe out a bunch of bugs!  Prince Philip was just being too liberal for his own good!"

        DJS: "If by liberal, you mean that he cares about human life, then yes, you fascist bastard, he is!  The aliens will leave in fifteen years, you moron!"

        RJS: "Look, you hippie, I don't know what kind of wacky-weed you've been smoking, but if you think those alien bugs are going to listen to a treaty made with a weaker party, then you're stupider than you look!"

        DJS: "You think the Europeans didn't figure that out?  They've already turned New Zealand and the rest of the South Pacific into island fortresses!  They're more than prepared!"

        RJS: (Tries to think of a comeback, but none comes to mind).  "Your mom!"

        DJS: "No, your mom!

        RJS: "How dare you!'  (Pulls out a gun)  "Eat lead, Red!"  (Opens fire).

        DJS: (Dodging bullets).  "Gun control!  Gun control!"

        ******************

        Tenchi smacked his forehead.  "What was I thinking?  Modern debate shows are all about argument and spectacle.  No actual information to be gathered here."

        Ryoko turned off the television.  "It looks like you've recovered."

        Tenchi nodded.  "Thanks a lot.  I think I can move again."

        Ryoko waved away his gratitude.  "Oh, don't mention it.  Anything for my Tenchi."

        Tenchi responded, "So you'll ask Washuu to get rid of the spy cameras in my shower?"

        Ryoko laughed.  "That's why I love you!  You always say the silliest things."

        Tenchi sighed.  "I knew it was too good to be true…"  

        He sat back on the couch.  _Peeping excluded, she's calmed down a bit.  Ever since Ayeka gave up, she hasn't had as much of a reason to be aggressive; actually, it's kinda nice being around her now.  What now, though?  No homework, Dad's out of town… might as well watch a little more TV._  Tenchi picked up the remote and turned the TV back on.  He channel-surfed for a bit, until he noticed something odd.  "What the…"  He went back to find… the back of his head.  "How the…"  He heard his voice in an odd stereo, as the TV copied his sounds.  He turned around.  The figure on the TV did the same.  

        By now, Ryoko had also noticed the odd double vision.  She waved her arm, and the Ryoko on the TV screen did the same.  Ryoko twitched.  "Someone's… watching us?"  She picked up the TV guide.  Her eyes widened.  "'Tenchi Muyo!  The New House Guests', Episode 63!?"  She crushed the book between her fingers.  "Someone's gone too far!"

        Tenchi was now pacing back and forth.  "But who?  Who has the technology, the utter lack of respect for our privacy, and the spare time to set up these cameras?"  

        They both hit upon the answer at the same time.  

        "WASHUU!"

        ***************

        Deep in her lab, the evil scientist sneezed.  She politely blew her nose, and then went back to her telephone conversation.  "Look, I don't care if Pioneer Limited is having to pay TOEI for the rights to their characters and concepts!  I just set up the cameras, I don't control who walks in front of them!  Good day!"  With that, she hung up.  "The nerve of some people!"

End Part 63

* Yes, Loki did tinker with Phil's genetics.  No, Phil doesn't know about it.


	64. All Singing, All Dancing

Part 64

All Singing, All Dancing

By BobCat and Ash the Wanderer. (Mostly Ash this time)

Disclaimer: Well, it ain't mine, but in the next few chapters, the Physics Police goes where it has never gone before! For those of you who whined for more crossovers… remember, you brought it on yourselves. 

****************

The first thing you must realize was that Virtual Buu was dead. Dead as a doornail. It wasn't overly important to start with, but hey, it went with the theme of evil pink. Phil was feeling much nicer, now that he had managed to vent some frustrations. And BobCat was happy, because he had introduced two characters who won't be very important until the prequel.

At this, Timpa and Chad started. The Namek sputtered, "WHAT!? Then why bring us up at all!?"

(Look fellas, it's just the way things go, OK?)

But don't worry, sports fans; if you enjoy Phil's suffering, then you just hit the motherload…

Meanwhile… 

"OK, what do you want again Erik?" Celeste said as she looked at the new VR training platform. They had been kicked out of the arena. At first, Erik's yells of advice had gotten onto some people's nerves. Wishing to show the armchair monster dueler that it wasn't quite as easy as he seemed to think, they had literally handed him a deck of cards and tossed him into the arena. A big mistake, as Erik's ability to analyze and plan had allowed him to learn all the rules in two minutes flat. Soon after, he'd start handing people their ass. Two hours later they tossed them out for making them look like fools. They had all been more than glad to be rid of them. Well, except for that short kid with the weird red and gold spiky hair, who was wearing that strange pyramid thing. He'd said Erik was a natural and suggested that they duel sometime…

Erik, not the least bit discouraged by this turn of events, had wasted no time in plugging himself into the nearest computer terminal. After a few moments, he found a Holo-deck that wasn't scheduled for use for a few more hours.

Now, Erik stood in the middle of a field of blackness that was crisscrossed with green lines. The lines bent upwards at a point a few hundred meters in either direction of him, showing him the dimensions of the room. 

Celeste was currently seated in a Danger Room-esque control room far above the simulator. She hit a button on the console. Her voice reverberated through the massive chamber. "OK, I think I have these controls figured out. What were you wanting to do again?"

"A doppelganger. That Cassandra girl showed me I have to look for flaws in my style. Who better to show me then myself?" Erik said.

"Train, train, train… is that all you think about?"

"Well, I guess you could say that I just have a one-track mind…"

Celeste winced. "Honey, I love you, but that pun was physically painful." She looked over one of the screens. "OK…doppelganger…doppelganger…ah, here's one!" Celeste said, and pressed a button.

A second later Erik's opponent appeared.

It was a round, pink small creature with huge eyes and a look that just screamed over-cute. Erik's eyebrows arched.

"Uh…what the heck is this?"

"Ummmmm…it's called a Kirby. Or just Kirby, maybe." Celeste said.

(Kirby Kirby Kirby that's a name you should know!

Kirby Kirby Kirby he's the star of the show!

He's more than you think! He's got Maximum Pink!

Kirby Kirby Kirby's the One!)

(Note from Ash: There, now YOU have the damn song stuck in your head, like I did for five weeks when I first heard it. Damn you, Fox Box!)

"Are you SURE this is a doppelganger…?" Erik said as he walked up and looked at the creature. It seemed that it wanted to be friends.

And then it opened its mouth and inhaled, and Erik yelled as he was suddenly sucked into it. Celeste's eyes went wide.

"Honey?"

Erik suddenly reappeared, looking rather stunned at what had happened. Kirby flipped up and glowed, and then sprouted a small set of claws that looked like a cute version of Erik's talons. He then pulled out a cute Redemption sword and grew a cute V scar. Erik felt like he was going to die of a sugar overload. He wondered if his arm had any insulin in its medical supplies…

"Beh!" Kirby said, indicating he was ready to fight. Erik sighed and took up his fighting position.

Over the next twenty minutes he was reminded of a certain thing in life: looks could be deceiving.

Celeste, meanwhile, went from watching in amazement as Kirby expertly mimicked everything Erik could do (He comes RIGHT BACK AT YA! RIGHT BACK AT YA!) and laughing at the sheer absurdity of watching the super cute creature and her husband beat the living bejesuses out of each other.

Meanwhile, on a small planet orbiting a red sun somewhere in Juraian space…

Phil was feeling none of that good humor as he stared down the man before him. "Look, 'Lobo,' or whatever you call yourself, I don't care if you ARE fully licensed by the Bounty Hunter's Guild. You are NOT collecting on Kione!" 

The tall man laughed, almost dropping the cigar from his mouth. His skin was a pure white that sharply contrasted his long, black hair. His glowing red eyes seemed to leak energy into the air around him. He was dressed like an Earthling biker, from his black leather jacket to the torn blue jeans. He had the length of a chain wrapped around one hand, while he spun a wicked looking hook at the end of said chain with his other hand. 

In a voice that positively oozed with ego, he said, "Hah! You don't seem to realize who you're dealin' with, yah scrawny little bastitch! I'm Lobo, the Main Man, and I ain't lost a bounty yet!"

"What about Superman?"

"Shut up! I could kick that overgrown Boy Scout any day o' the week if I felt like it! 'Sides, he ain't here now, ain't he? I've got ten million Jurai riding on this job, and I'm takin' these two dames whether ya' like it 'er not!"

Speaking of "those two dames," Kione and Mihoshi were currently crouching behind a handy boulder, blaster rifles ready. Not that this Xarnian had been much affected by them earlier, but if Phil couldn't stop this guy…

Phil leveled his right hand at Lobo, fingers spread out. "I'm going to give you five reasons why you are going to get onto your flying motorcycle and get the hell out of here. One." Phil curled his pinky in. "One of these Galaxy Police officers just happens to be my girlfriend. Two." The ring finger followed its smaller cousin. "I haven't seen her in a month. Three." Middle finger. "I haven't been having a very good month in general, so I'm a bit testy. Four." Index finger. "I don't like you. Five." Phil's thumb bent, forming a fist. "You have an approximate Power Level of 17,000. You don't have a thousandth of the strength you'd need for me to break a sweat. So back down or die!"

Lobo leapt forward, hook swinging. "I don't know who you think you are, but NOBODY, but NOBODY threatens the main man and lives ta' brag about it!" Phil seemed to ignore the attack, until a heartbeat before the hook would have decapitated him. 

Phil blurred out of sight as the hook and chain flew through thin air. The wicked blade bit deep into the rocky ground at Lobo's feet. "What the hell?"

Suddenly, Lobo let out a loud **_WHUFF_** as the air was forced from his lungs by a blow to the stomach. He flew back several dozen feet. A massive granite boulder halted his velocity, the impact sending chunks of stone in all directions. 

Lobo rose to his knees, rubbing his head. "Agh! Alright, what no good son of a Hajek hit the Main Man when he wasn't lookin'!? C'mon out, ya bastitch!" 

"If you insist." Phil blurred into sight. Lobo noticed that at some point the brown haired man had changed from a blue police officer's uniform to a T-shirt that said, "Hello, I'm NOBODY. I can threaten the Main Man©®™." 

"Alright, laughin' boy, let's see how funny it is when yer laughin' out yer ass!" Lobo leapt at Phil again, fists swinging. The Saiyan hybrid began to dance around the bounty hunter's blows. "Hold still so's I can splat ya!" 

"If you insist." Phil stopped his dodging, allowing several of Lobo's punches to land on Phil's jaw. Flesh was mangled and bruised, bones broke and blood ran freely from several lacerations. 

On Lobo's hands, that is. 

"AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" He stuffed his hands beneath his armpits, attempting to stop the flow of blood. "Who the hell are you?"

Phil, feeling the need for some police brutality, shifted to Super Saiyan. A bright yellow aura surrounded Phil, even as his hair changed to the same color. "Ally to me! Nightmare to you!"

Lobo blinked. "Uh oh." Before he could blink again, Phil had treated him to a left hook across the jaw that catapulted him into low planetary orbit, screaming all the way. 

Phil smirked as he shifted back to normal. He floated over to where Kione and Mihoshi were hiding. He gave Kione a warm smile. "Hi honey. Ya miss me?" Phil instantly found a green haired blur latched onto his chest. He returned the embrace, feeling a sense of completeness that he had lacked since his time traveling adventures had begun. "I'll take this as a yes. How have you been?"

Kione smiled contentedly, also feeling much happier. She snuggled deeper into her boyfriend's embrace. "Not as good as I am now. I've been so lonely." 

Mihoshi posed cutely. "Aw, how romantic!"

Phil reached over and tapped the dumb blond on the neck. "Vulcan Neck Pinch."

There was a small thud, followed by a loud, but still cute, snoring. Kione didn't notice.

As she suddenly realized **why** she was so lonely, the green haired woman suddenly broke off the hug, a slightly angered look crossing her face. "What was the deal with that coma, anyway? I mean, do you have any idea how worried I was?"

Phil rolled his eyes. "Now THAT is a long and involved story that would be best told in friendlier surroundings than this. Say, that dinner date that I still owe you? And while we're there, you can tell me why tall, dark and gruesome was after you."

"Agreed." In an utterly spontaneous action triggered by her elation, Kione treated Phil to a passionate kiss, which he returned as well as he was able. Without breaking the lip-lock, he raised his two fingers to his forehead. After a few moments of concentration (which, needless to say, he didn't have much of to spare), the Instant Transmission did its thing, transporting them across time and space.

Meanwhile, Io was utterly repulsed by the whole affair, while Arthur was opting to adopt a neutral stance to the whole affair until he learned more of this woman. 

Needless to say, the symbiote still wanted to find out if that mean guy had a spleen to eat. But Phil ignored that for the moment, as he had more important things on his mind… 

Erik leapt back, shaking his head in disbelief. This couldn't be happening: He was being shown up by a walking marshmallow. As if getting beat up by a teenager wasn't bad enough, Kirby had proven to be a supreme mimicker, knowing seemingly every trick Erik had up his sleeve. Even energy attacks hadn't worked, as Kirby had just inhaled and eaten them. Then done his own attacks right back, which were just like his. Argh.

"OK…this time it's over…" Erik said as he raised his hands and formed a clear energy field in the shape of a ball above him. Red energy began to form in the ball.

"Beh!" Kirby said. Apparently he couldn't speak on his own, but he could mimic ala a Predator.

"Try to eat this! Eye of the Holocaust!" Erik yelled, and threw the now dark red energy ball at Kirby.

Kirby inhaled and ate it.

Up in the control room, Celeste finally fell out of her chair, tears pouring from her eyes.

"Please stop! You're killing me!" she managed to gasp out between her howls of laughter.

Kirby mumbled something that could have been a cute voice saying "Eye of the Holocaust", and spit the energy ball back at Erik.

And Erik snapped his fingers.

The ball exploded in Kirby's face, tossing the creature across the room. He bounced off the wall and landed, looking dazed as his eyes turned into spirals.

Erik took a long breath and let it out slowly. He could still hear his wife laughing.

"Stop it, will ya!"

"I'm sorry…" Celeste said before she trailed off into a storm of giggles. "You want something else?"

"Yes! Something really tough that is the antithesis of cute!"

So Celeste called up Wolverine.

167 ass kickings later…(Ash: That will hopefully keep any Wolverine fanboys from baying for my blood…)

"Why don't you just give up bub? You might be good, but I'm the best there is at what I do…" Logan said as he prepared to slash Erik's head off.

And Erik let Wolverine have it with a point-blank Last Judgment blast. The smoke cleared to reveal a badly burned Wolverine, most of his face burned off his skull.

"But twat I bo izzin bery slice." Wolverine managed to get out, before his brain, cooked from the heat, decided to let him pass out.

"Well, that was certainly humiliating." Celeste said. She had just spent the last ninety minutes watching her husband get brutalized.

"Well, I figured out a way to win." Erik said, his teeth clenched. "Turn off the VR. The false pain is beginning to feel a little too real."

Celeste did so. Erik found his wife a few minutes later.

"Took you long enough!"

"Hey, give me a break. There were a lot of stairs."

"Well, what should we do next?"

And then life, or fate, or whatever, decide it was time a little bad luck came Erik's way, as Ralph and Omi rounded the corner at the moment and saw the couple.

"I KNEW IT! HEY, THEY'RE HERE!" Ralph yelled. A second later Gochibi and Chibi Ryoko rounded the corner.

"I just had an idea. RUN!" Erik yelled, and took off. Omi blasted after them, but life decided Erik had had enough bad luck for the moment and had the door Erik and Celeste run through slam in her face. On the other side, Erik slammed his hand down on the control panel, short-circuiting it. By the time the three girls had physically pried the door open the two had a fair head start. But they kept up the chase. They were going to give Phil a surprise when he came back.

Sweet, The Lord of the Dance, had been in many places, but the Physics Police headquarters was one of his favorite haunts between his summonings and his home. Lots of things to see, do, and cause. Indeed, Sweet's power to make people sing and dance had caused quite a ruckus when he hadn't controlled his power well enough when he had first shown up, causing half the force to break out into their own musicals. This had the unfortunate side effect of distracting people from their tasks, which had the even more unfortunate side effect of a good chunk of reality nearly collapsing in on itself and destroying a few million universes. The bosses had tried to discipline Sweet, but he'd just made them do a song and dance number about their sexual inadequacies. After that little embarrassment they had struck a deal: Sweet kept his power under control when he was there and he could come and go as he pleased. At the moment he was at one of the secondary cafeterias the headquarters had. Its name was in some language Sweet couldn't pronounce, but it was one of the few places in Existence that served the drink _Wulbt Yui Jauy_, a vice of his. He'd ordered one and was contently making his way to a table. 

There were a few entrances and exits from the room, and while Sweet had been getting his drink, Erik had come in through the largest one. The girls were hot on his heels, and he knew he needed an equalizer or he'd be caught for sure.

His sharp eyes noticed how the door was designed when he ran past it, and he quickly looked to each side of himself as he entered the door. Luck was with him: there was indeed a panel to open and close it.

As the girls rounded the corner Erik dashed over to the panel. He guessed it was operated by a code that only certain PP members knew, and he didn't. So he used his method: he smashed his hand through the panel and sent a surge of electricity into the guts of the lock. The brutal improv worked: the door whirled and slid shut in the girl's faces again. Erik blasted the inside of the panel and yanked a handful of the wires out to insure opening it via the code wouldn't be an option in the foreseeable future.

"DAMMIT!" Omi cursed as the door closed in her face. Enough was enough, as she thrust her hands up. "MA…"

"NO! DON'T!" Ralph panted as he caught up. "You'll set off the base defenses! Plus, god knows how many people are behind there. You'll have to pry it open!"

"But Ralph, this thing's…"

"Girls, it will take a shorter amount of time to pry open the door then go back around and find another way into that room! Now go, please!" Ralph said. The girls grumbled a bit, but got to work prying on the door. Ralph used the Force to help out here he could.

"Ah, there." Erik said, taking a step back. They'd be long gone by the time they got the door open. He turned around, looking for Celeste. And it was at this time he walked into Sweet, hard enough to knock him down.

"Ooops, sorry." Erik tossed over his shoulder as he headed over to Celeste, who had gotten a drink out of a machine and was chugging it.

Sweet was greatly annoyed. He'd lost his drink, and to make it worse he had lost it all over himself. He got up in a snapping jump that looked like a dance move and glared at the leaving Erik. Well, he may have said he wouldn't use his power for no reason, but this was a good enough reason.

Then again, he didn't feel like doing a whole new skit. That took effort, and he was trying to relax.

But maybe…he had recently had a very good performance…and repeating it with a slight change here and there would be easy. And that would show that man to be more polite…

"You ok?" Erik asked, as Celeste lowered her water bottle.

"Just thirsty…and getting a little tired of running…" Celeste said, her tone cranky.

"Sorry sweetie, but these people, I mean…" Erik said, and then his bad luck happened again as he moved his arm a bit and knocked over another drink. At least this one was one table.

"Hey! Stupid man! You spill drink!" said the apparent owner, a female with a sword and a strange way of talking. Had Erik scanned her, he would have learned she was an Amazon named Gel, but he didn't.

"Sorry. I'll…" Erik began.

"Stupid man! Will pay!" Gel said, as she stood, unsheathed her sword, and swung…

Erik, almost calmly, called up the Redemption blade and intercepted the Amazon's sword. A quick twist of his arm and he disarmed her, tossing the sword away towards an empty table.

"I apologized, please don't attack me." Erik said as he dissipated the sword again. He turend back to Celeste, not noticing the new look of shock, surprise, and a hint of lust come into Gel's vision.

"You see, that's a prime representation of what I feel the problem is. We get in way too many fights! Even when we aren't looking for fights, we find fights! I really wonder if my whole life is gonna be like this." Celeste said, finishing her soft drink.

"Well sweetie…"

And it was roughly at this point that Sweet stepped in. When Celeste opened her mouth, something else came out instead of just plain speech. (Writer's Note: Everything done in brackets here are actions performed during the song)

Celeste: Every single night, the same arrangement!

We go out and fight the fight.

Even I begin to feel a strange estrangement, 

That it's not always real, and not always right.

(Crushes her can) I've been making shows (kicks it into a garbage) of trading blows,

But now I think I know…

We're just going through the motions.

Walking through the part.

I've been feeling that way ever since the start…

Erik: Well we may be brave, and always righteous,

But still you can start wavering…

But give it some more thought, you'll find this fight just

Might mean something.

Klingon at Nearby Table: Get back into the swing.

Erik: Thanks for noticing.

(At this point, due to the rather sweeping nature of Sweet's powers, other people and beings get drawn into the song. In this case, Asuka, Akane, and an alternate version of Ayeka, who are sitting at another table)

The Anime Girls: They do really well with fiends from hell,

But even we can tell…

She's just going through the motions.

Faking it somehow.

Akane: Maybe that's not all she's faking…! (Erik DECKS her) Ow. (passes out)

Erik: (while not noticing Gel the Amazon sneaking up on him) It won't be this way forever,

One can't sleepwalk through one's life endeavour..

(MWA-WHA! Gel grabs Erik and kisses him. Celeste is quite shocked at this)

Gel: Now we are married…!

(POW! Celeste kicks her across the cafeteria)

Celeste: Whatever.

I just don't wanna be…

Going through the motions.

Losing all my drive…

But my eyes can see…

This life is truly me…

And it lets me keep others…alive…

The song ended at that point, and Celeste and Erik stood there looking a bit stunned.

"Were we just…"

"Singing?"

"What the heck?" Erik said, shaking his head. "We just broke out into song like a musical! What the hell!"

"What could have caused THAT?" Celeste asked.

"Well I don't know…" Erik said, and then Sweet waved his hand and it started all over again.

Erik: I've got a theory, that it's that demon!

A demon that makes us sing and dance, no wait, something isn't right there….

Little Nemo The Dream Master: (from another table) I've got a theory, maybe you're dreaming,

And this all just some wacky Broadway Nightmare!

Celeste: I've got a theory we should find this out…(Erik joins in)

Celeste/Erik: It's getting eerie, what's this cheery singing all about?

Gemna: It could be women!

This silly women! Weak in body and mind…

(sees every woman in the cafateria glaring at him)

Butthenwomenwerepersecutedandthey'rekindandgenerous,

AndumgogirlpowerandI'llbeoverherenow…SAOTOME DESPEATION MOVE!

Zia: I've got a theory, it could be bunnies!

(Crickets chirp. Erik and Celeste stare at that silly suggestion and then move on)

Celeste: I've got a theory…

Zia: (hijacks the song, while rocking out) BUNNIES!

They aren't just cute like everyone supposes!

They got them hoppy legs!

And twitchy little noses!

And what's with all the carrots? Why do they need such great eyesight for anyway?

BUNNIES! BUNNIES! IT MUST BE BUNNIES!

(Everyone is now staring at her)

Zia: (sits down) Or maybe chibis.

Erik: I've got a theory we should get off this floor…

We need to make some tracks before the girls open that door…

Celeste: I've got a theory, it doesn't matter…

(Song shifts to just Erik and Celeste)

Celeste: What can't we face if we're together?

What's in this world that we can't weather?

Dangerous times…

We've both been there.

The same old trips

Why should we care?

Erik/Celeste: What can't we do if we get in it?

We'll work it through within a minute

We'll have to try

Roll with the punch

It's do or die

Celeste: Hey, we've both died once.

Erik/Celeste: What can't we face if we're together? (What can't we face…?)

What's in this place that we can't weather? (If we're together…)

There's nothing we can't face…

Ralph: Except for us…

Erik and Celeste snapped out of the song to see a smirking Ralph standing there. What Erik had just mentioned had happened: Ralph and the girls had pried the doors open. They didn't know why Erik had been singing, but that didn't matter: they had him cornered.

"………….Ah crap!" Erik cursed, and he and Celeste broke for the lines of elevators that were at the end of the cafeteria.

Erik was ten feet from the elevator door when Omi materialized in front of him.

"Damn!" he cursed, and he and Celeste tried a change of direction. It didn't work, as the two other future girls were suddenly flanking him. He whirled.

"Checkmate, Christopher." Ralph said as he strode up with an ignited lightsaber. "Why don't you go peacefully? Or else you can go in pieces."

Erik glanced at his wife, and then at his situation.

"There's nothing you can do, Christopher. Give it up."

And Sweet activated his power again. The closest people to the boy would probably wind up in the song again, and if they didn't actually sing themselves they would not interrupt the song. Indeed, someone randomly breaking out into song would seem perfectly natural to them during the time they sang.

"One last time Christopher." Ralph said.

"Why are you calling me that?" Erik asked.

"It's your name, isn't it?" Ralph said as he walked up to the two. He was going to put the handcuffs on, and if Erik resisted the girls would see to it.

"I wonder…" Erik said.

"What's to wonder?"

"Christopher was a sweet kid. Maybe he lives on within me, but sometimes I think…" Erik said, and then suddenly he started singing again, softly this time.

Erik: He died… so many years ago…  
And you can't make me know that it isn't so…   
I used to wonder also why you chase me so hard   
But I think I finally know…  


"Oh? Why?" Ralph said, acting like Erik was speaking and not singing to him. The surrounding diners watched, wondering where this song would go.

Erik: Yeah. You're scared, scared of what I say…   
It scares you that what I see, life might just be that way…   
Well say I hear with madman's ears   
Then I'll lie and say it's ok… 

Yeah, it's great   


Erik began walking away from Ralph slowly, still singing.

Erik: No, I don't want to play   
Believing that delusion is how THEY get their way   
Well since I'm just insane to you, just ignore what I say…   
But let me rest in peace! 

Erik leapt up on a table.

Erik: Let me rest in peace, go back to your walking sleep!  
I'll go take the wicked and bury them in a hole six foot deep!   
Maybe one day I'll be done and I will find release…  
So let me rest in peace! 

Erik hopped down in front of the girls, who had by now gathered together. He walked right up to them.

Erik:You know, you got a willing slave   
Your sweet innocence is what I fight to save   
And to preserve it I'll fight until I'm buried in my grave…   
So let me rest in peace…   


Erik walked back to Ralph, staring into his eyes.

Erik: You know, I should go   
Yet you follow me like I am possessed  
But there's a heart here beneath my breast   
And a noble cause within my quest   
And those I kill have NOTHING in their chest   


Ralph met Erik's steely gaze, not flinching.

Erik: But I can see you're unimpressed…   
So leave me be and 

Erik suddenly turned from Ralph and, grabbing the two nearest tables, overturned them so violently they almost flew through the air, amidst a chorus of yells of surprise

Erik: Let me rest in peace!

He kicked a chair through the air. It hit another diner, a large armadillo-like creature, some feet away. Unfortunately, the creature didn't have the best eyesight, and not being able to tell exactly what hit it, settled for hitting the closest target.

  
Erik: Go back to your walking sleep!

He fired some energy blasts into another cluster of diners. That touched off another fight.   


Erik: Let me take the Corrupt and bury them   
In a hole six foot deep!   


Erik kicked another table, sliding it across the floor before it hit another table, causing a domino effect. The cafeteria finally erupted into a full blown riot. Erik gestured to Celeste with his head even as he danced away from Ralph and the girls.

Erik: Let me do the dirty work, you can stay as clean as a lamb's fleece

But let me rest in peace!   


Erik and Celeste slid into an empty elevator, even as Ralph finally overcame the effects of Sweet's power.

"HEY!

"Why won't you let me rest in peace?" Erik sang, as he waved. "Bye Ralph!"

And the door closed.

"NO! Ryoko, quick, override the-ARGH!" Ralph grunted as he was tackled by an angry Kree alien. The girls ran to help Ralph instead, and by the time the riot had been sorted out, Erik and Celeste were long gone.

"Well, that was fun!" Ralph said, as he used the Force to remove stewed carrots from his hair.

"Blasted crazy vigilante! I was prepared for some weird tactic to compensate for our power, but I never knew he would SING!" Omi said.

"And he still tried to convince us he wasn't a nutcase! Ugh! I'm gonna pound him even more now!" Chibi Ryoko said.

Ralph was silent. He would have joined in with the girl's denouncement of Erik, except…

Being older, Ralph had seen some things the girls had not yet had the "privilege" to view. And after spending so much time chasing Erik around and being immersed in his "Evil must be punished, and terribly" philosophy, he couldn't help but get a little of the Stockholm Syndrome and wonder if he actually had some idea of what he was talking about.

And listening to the girls, he wondered about their future. They'd seen bad things, true, but had they seen BAD things? World-destroying superbeings were one thing, but sometimes the deviancy of one malformed human mind was infinitely worse…

He could only wonder what to do with them on that regard. Should he warn them, and risk damaging their childish minds with stuff they were not ready to understand? Or should he let life take whatever course it may and expose them to such things on it's own…and perhaps do far worse damage then he ever could…

And in the corner, Sweet, having had his original target run out on him, but still on the mode for more fun, reached out once more.

Ralph: Are not ready   
For the world outside?   
I keep pretending   
But now I just can't hide   
I know I said that I'd be   
Standing by your side   
But I.... 

Your path's may be unbeaten   
It may all be uphill   
And you may bravely meet it   
Or perhaps you never will   
And perhaps I'll be the reason   
That you're standing still   
But I... 

I wish I could say the right words   
To lead you through this land   
Wish I could play the father   
And take you by the hand   
Wish I could stay the darkness  
But now I understand   
I could be standing in the way 

The cries around you   
You don't hear at all   
'Cause you know I'm here   
To take their call   
So you just lie there   
When you should be standing tall   
But I.... 

I wish I could lay your arms down   
And let you rest at last   
Wish I could slay your demons   
But that time may now have passed   
Wish I could stay   
Your stalwart, standing fast   
But I could just standing in the way   
Maybe, I'm just standing in the way…

"What, Ralph?" Gochibi said. Ralph blinked. What the hell had just happened.

"Uhh…nothing Gochibi. Let's see if we can clean this mess up so Phil won't be TOO upset when he shows up…"

"Can't I have any time off? I am sure there are labour laws being violated here!" Phil stewed as he walked down the hallway with Kione. He was just starting to get comfortable when the call had come to him: Erik had raised a ruckus, and they needed him. As always. So here we was. There was little comfort in the fact that Kione had decided to come along with him.

"It's ok Phil. They'll be another time." Kione said, trying to comfort her angry boyfriend.

"Yeah, well, that's what they'll say! Then there'll be a Tunagwe stampede in the Largraxz dimension or a sink hole will open up in…" Phil cursed.

"It's ok Phil."

"No it's not! Nor for me, and especially not for you!" Phil said.

"Phil, it doesn't matter what happens. Or what time I spend with you. It…well…" Kione said.

Sweet's power had a ricochet effect of sorts, as it tended to spread out and touch people related to where the songs had originally started. And that's just what happened, as the riot had unnerved Sweet a bit and lessened his control, and his power reached out and touched Kione and Phil.

Kione: I lived my life in shadow   
Never the sun on my face   
It didn't seem so sad though,   
I figured that was my place   
Now I'm bathed in light   
Something just isn't right 

I'm under your spell   
How else could it be   
Anyone would notice me?   
It's magic, I can tell   
How you set me free   
Brought me away from Mihoshi

I saw a world enchanted   
Spirits and charms in the air   
Everyone else took it for granted   
I was the one not there  
But your power shone   
Brighter than any I've known 

I'm under your spell   
Nothing I can do   
You just took my soul with you   
You worked your charm so well   
Finally, I knew   
Everything I dreamed was true   
You make me believe... 

Chorus: (which comes out of nowhere and leaves just as quickly)Ah ah, ah ah ah...   
Ah ah, ah ah ah... 

Kione: The moon to the tide   
I can feel you inside 

I'm under your spell   
Surging like the sea   
Pulled to you so helplessly   
I break with every swell   
Lost in ecstacy   
Spread beneath my…

"Commander?" Ralph said, and the song abruptly ended. It had been quite a site: Phil walking into the room, being led by a singing Kione and watching like he was in a trance.

Phil shook his head.

"What happened? Was I just…"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh…no." Ralph said, not wanting to explain.

"OK then." Phil said, and headed over to the future girls.

"What's the problem Ralph?"

"Vigilante. Clever bastard. Causing a lot of headaches." _And making me ponder questions I really don't want to._

"Really? Poor Phil…" Kione said, as the girls spoke with Phil and he acted like the news was painful to him.

And then Sweet's power kicked in yet again.

Kione: I'm under your spell   
God, how could this be?   
Cause so much pain to my Phil-y   
I know he's been through hell   
God, don't you see?   
There'll be nothing left of he   
Please make me believe 

Ralph: Believe me, I don't want you to know…

Ralph and Kione: And it'll grieve me   
'Cause I love you so   
But we both know…all innocence must go…

(The next bit, they sing at the same time, but in written form, Ralph will come first)

Ralph: Wish I could say the right words and lead you through this land.

Wish I could be the father and take you by the hand…

Kione: Wish I could trust,

That it would just be this once…

But fate does as it must…

And though it fills me with disgust…

But it's done, though it ain't just…

Ralph/Kione: It just cannot stay…

It just cannot stay…

It just cannot stay…

It just cannot…stay…

"I knew it! You people have flipped your lids! No wonder he got away!" Phil said, and Ralph snapped out of it. "AND WHY ARE WE ALL SINGING?"

"Maybe that's why he got away. They started…" Kione suggested.

"Hey, we didn't start singing! We had him. And then we all had to witness Erik doing an off-off-off-off Broadway performance. But while he was forced to sing, just like we have been, it appears his computers were able to deduce an escape plan. And hence we're back to where we started."

"OK then, plan B. Since we don't have Erik, maybe we should look for the thing causing this…"

"I have a suggestion."

Eveyone turned as Ecks suddenly spoke up, looking at the semi-senshi as she gestured. They didn't ask when she had arrived: they assumed it had been recently.

"Seeing how the only ones who are here as well are us and various guards cleaning up the mess, and you guys are still doing your little musicals, I would have to say…him." Ecks said, gesturing to the sitting Sweet. The demon was sitting contently, drinking something, unperturbed by the three angry guards keeping an eye on him. He hadn't been harmed by the riot because anyone who got close to him had an uncontrollable urge to dance a jig, although it had upset him a bit, hence the slight loss of control in regards to his powers.

Phil stalked over to Sweet.

"Before you say anything, cat, you should know it was just a fair bit of turnaround after he spilled my drink. How was I supposed to know he'd use it to escape your agents?" Sweet said, and took a sip of the vile-looking concoction he was drinking.

Phil glowered.

"That still gave you no right to play with us! ARGH! You are an idiot! Moron! Stupid! ARGH!" Phil finally sputtered, and stalked off. Once again, Sweet looked unhappy.

"I don't like being insulted either, buddy…" Sweet said. Maybe one more remix was in order…

"Phil…" Kione said.

"Not now Kione. I need to think for a second." _Specifically, on how my life sucks so hard it manages to blow at the same time._

Phil stalked over to where a small pile of rubble that was once some tables and chairs were burning. He looked at the flames.

"Nothing in my life goes the way it should. Nothing. Everything has to be different." Phil aid. On a sudden impulse, he stuck his hand in the flames for the second and then pulled it out. Music suddenly began to play in the background, but Phil didn't even notice as Sweet's power took over again, even as the demon smirked and made his exit, stage left.

Phil: I touch the fire, and it freezes me   
I look into white and I see black   
Why can't I feel?   
My skin should crack and peel   
I want normalcy back 

A vision of Erik appeared in Phil's mind.

Phil: Now through the smoke   
He's mocking me   
To make my way across the flame   
Hell! I'll win the day!   
Or maybe melt away…   
I guess it's all the same…

Phil turned and walked dramatically away from the burning kindling and down the hallway.

Phil: So I will   
Walk through the fire   
'Cause where else can I turn?   
I will   
Walk through the fire   
And let it - 

Far away, Erik was standing in another elevator, thinking over his close call and how it was probably effecting Phil.

Erik: The torch he bears   
Is scorching he…   
He's fuming, he thinks that I'm to blame  
But I will not throw this fight! He's wrong, and I am right!   
…I feel bad all the same 

Celeste: Cause he is   
Drawn to the fire   
Some people...   


Erik: He will...   


Erik and Celeste:...never learn   
So we will   
Meet through the fire   
And let it-

Ralph noticed Phil was leaving a second before his boss vanished down the hallway. He looks accusingly up at the sky.

  
Ralph: Why must you always make him suffer?   
He's as hard as diamond and probably tougher…   
Is there anything up there that dares to care? 

  
Kione: What if Phil can't defeat it? 

  
Omi: Why are we standing here, we're needed   
Or do we just stand around and glare?  


Ralph, Ecks, Kione, Omi, Gochibi, Chibi Ryoko: We'll see it through   
It's what we're always here to do   
So we will   
Walk through the fire 

Phil turned, but he saw no one following him, even though Ralph and co had started after him.

(The following lines overlap. Download the song or see the Buffy episode I'm parodying to see what I mean)   


Phil: So one by one   
They turn from me   
I guess my friends can't face the cold 

(Erik: The sane are… 

Ralph: Hey watch your tone  
Only the mad fight on alone…

Erik: …no challenge… )

Phil: (smiles) And I'm still sane I'm told…

Omi: We'll show this whacko he's quite dim  


(Erik: So one by one   
They follow me)   


Phil: First, I'll kill him, then I'll hurt him!

Ecks: Everything is turning out so dark   


(Celeste: The distant redness as their guide…) 

  
(Kione: Oh Phil you'll win…)

  
Erik: No, Phil doesn't know just what with he's dealing!

  
Chibi Ryoko: Ash keeps ripping off "Once More, With Feeling".

  
Ralph: No matter what we'll always have the spark. 

  
(Erik: It's what one has inside)

  
Phil: This endless chase… 

  
(Erik: They will come... 

Phil: Will be ending in a blaze 

  
Erik: ...to me) 

  
Phil, Ralph, Ecks, Kione, Omi, Gochibi, Chibi Ryoko: And we are   
Caught in the fire   
The point of no return   


(Erik and Celeste join in)

All: So we will   
Walk through the fire   
And let it   
Burn   
Let it burn…   


(Power starts crackling around Phil)

Let it burn…

(He goes Super Saiyan as he approaches a door)

  
Let it BURN! 

Phil's power suddenly caused the door to explode off the hinges, and that finally snapped the group out of the song.

"…..No. We did not…NOT AGAIN!"

"Bravo Squire! Though art a magnificent minstrel!" Arthur said in Phil's head.

"ARGH! OK SWEET, YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!" 

Erik glanced around the corner just to make sure history wasn't planning to repeat itself.

"Looks like we lost them." Erik said. He wasn't very happy. Running wasn't his thing, and he resented it slightly.

"Well then, we may as well…" Celeste began, and then her husband brushed past her, heading off some destination known only to him. She sighed and followed.

And by a freak stroke of luck, Sweet emerged from a stairway behind them, on his way to a Gateway that would take him back home. He recognized the vigilante from the back and smirked.

"Well, why not? One more, and perhaps a new one this time, kind of. And just to be nice, he wouldn't even have the vigilante sing. But that didn't mean eh could stop him…

And Sweet reached out once more with what he called a "Tribute" song, in which the person he had chosen would not sing, but others would sing about them. In most cases, the tributed one would not even notice or be able to stop the song. So, as Erik walked (or stalked, mostly) down the hallway, Celeste at his heels, he barely noticed a menacing tune start up in the background, as various Physics Policemen got pulled into the song.

PP Male Guard: When a cold wind blows it chills you, chills you deep within!

PP Female Guard: And there's nothing in nature that freezes your heart like seeing the worst of humanity's sins!

PP Male Soldier: It taints your mind and twists your heart, warps all your eyes do see!

PP Male Soldier 2: And the worst of the worst!

PP Male Soldier 3: The most hated and cursed!

PP Male Soldier 4: Is the Last Ravensky!

PP Male Guard 2: Feeling guilt Aplenty!

PP Male Guard 3: He's earned the wrath of many!

Both: Christopher Erik Damien Ravensky!

Groups (As Erik walks by): There goes Mr. Vengeance, there goes Mr. Grim.

If they gave a prize for being mean, the winner would be him!

Group of Soldiers: Old Erik, he loves his image, he thinks it give the bad men jitters!

Group of Sentient Vegetables: If he became a flavor you can bet he would be bitter!

Guy By Sentient Vegetables: (not singing) Man, even the vegetables know this guy's rep!

Groups: There goes Mr. Vicious, there goes Mr. Flipped!

Every time you think there's no line to cross, he jumps right over it!

Group of Soldiers: He claims to protect the innocent, ignoring how much he scares them!

Parents: We don't want to be protected by someone like that!

Children: But they don't dare to tell him!

Groups: There goes Mr. Messed Up, there goes Mr. Nuts

For all the Corrupt he's chopped up and slashed, he keeps looking for more cuts!

Lawyers: For all the bad men he deals with, more pop up every minute.

Cops: But don't tell him his view is impossible.

Kid: His whole life is tied up in it!

Group of Women: He must be so lonely, he must be so sad.

To go to such extremes to convince us he's bad.

He's really a victim of other's greed and pride.

Look closely, there must be a sweet man inside…

Celeste: (not singing) There is.

Group of Women:………..NAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Groups: There goes Mr. Screwed In The Head, There goes Mr. Cruel!

PP Officers: He never stops, he never quits, he lets his violence rule!

Very Large Group of People forming behind Erik as he walks: If being bad is something that you practice and rehearse…

Then Vengeance must practice every day, because every day he just gets worse!

Every day, in every way, HE JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE!

Erik whirled to look at the group behind him, fixing them with a stone-melting glare. Suddenly everyone was yelling on how they had things to do as they scattered. Erik watched them go their ways. He'd acted like he didn't hear the song. But he had.

It was his life.

"…………You people will never understand." He muttered.

He turend and found Celeste looking at a notice she had pulled off the wall.

"Hey Erik, check this out! They're holding some kind of maze race! What better place to hide then in plain sight?"

Erik looked at the notice. It was for some kind of competition that involved the competitors to race through a large maze, having to stop for "challenges" along the way. Whoever made it to the end won a prize, and whoever didn't…well, it didn't say, but it didn't sound pleasant.

"Can we enter? Canwecanwecanwecanwe?"

"You can if you stop acting like Lindsay."

"Happyhappy! Funfunfun fu…!"

"CELESTE!"

"Oh geez, lighten up hero."

Erik should have known better.

It had seemed legit. He and his wife had proceeded to the place where the race had happened, signed up, and went to the waiting place. The fact that you had to state all your skills had allowed Erik to relax: Maybe the tests would deal with whatever you could do. Every competitor was given a watch-like device that would glow when they had completed whatever task they had been given (or if they were beyond help), and when they pressed it, the device would open up a door to teleport you to the next part of the maze. Depending on how well, or badly, you did, you could go anywhere. It had seemed interesting.

Then the race had started. Erik and Celeste had split up, and in retrospect, he was glad of it. He didn't want her to see this latest scene of ludicrousness he had become part of.

"Martial Arts Watermelon Race." From the moment Erik had seen the banner, he knew that the odds were against him surviving with his dignity intact. 

The rules were simple. Everyone was given a mallet and a watermelon. Despite the title of "race," the goal was not so much to make it from point A to point B as to keep the watermelon intact. The last three that could manage to keep their melons in one piece were permitted to move on to the next level, longevity determining the quality of said level. 

The waiting had been the worst. In order to keep numbers up in later levels of the game, only a dozen people could compete at a time. Erik supposed that the other starting levels were similarly packed, although he could not be sure. He also assumed that since fewer people would be playing more games in the next round, he would not have to wait again. So, his best option was to grin and bear it. 

But bearing it was not easy. As far as things went, this was one of the top ten most ridiculous experiences he had ever had. There he was, standing on a beach in a crowd of the weirdest that the multiverse could dredge up, holding a mallet in one hand and a watermelon in the other. 

Ludicrous or not, the spectators at least had a treat. In the first match, a redhead wearing a swimsuit with the word "Boy" written across the front head dominated her competition. Although Erik quickly realized that her impossible speeds were energy assisted, making her ability less impressive than Nightwing's, her form had been flawless. 

And her martial arts style wasn't bad either. (Rimshot). Erik groaned. _Note to self: hurt Soulfire when I get home._

Although her competitors ranged from the unusual to the outright bizarre, (where did that Panda keep those signs, anyhow?), she had waded through all of them with a casual ease.

In the second round, things had been a bit more insane. Insane being the only way to describe a fight between some dimensional version of Trunks and some weird, green headed man in a yellow tux. Although Trunks had done his best, the strange man's stamina had been too great, eventually leading Trunks into a fatal blunder. 

Fatal for the watermelon, that is. Erik hoped that the shirt wasn't as expensive as it looked.

Now, however, it was his turn. He and a dozen other contestants stepped out onto a section of the beach that had not been blasted away in the previous contest. It was a decidedly small area. _Good, because it gives my opponents less room to maneuver. Bad because it restricts me the same way. It's all going to be close quarters combat here; let's hope all that training has paid off._

With the wave of a flag and the blow of a whistle, the game began. 

A somewhat effeminate man dressed in traditional Japanese robes was Erik's first foe. In lieu of the mallet, he had opted for a wooden training sword. He smirked. "So, ill bred swine, you wish to match skills with the scion of the noble house of Kuno? Ha! Although your defeat shall be humiliating, know well that you lost to…" Tatewaki Kuno glanced around. "What are you…" Kuno felt a wet sensation along his side. "My melon! What sorcery is this?" 

Erik whistled casually as he walked away from the blowhard. As Kuno disappeared in special effects reminiscent of Star Trek, Erik responded, "The sorcery of gloating _after _you win a fight." After the 'ill bred' crack, he had considered giving the man what-for. However, Erik's talent had revealed the young man to be more delusional than corrupt, so he had let it slide. 

"Banzai!"

That was when a small foot caught him in the face. Although only moderately strong, it was fast enough that he was forced to stumble backwards. "Augh! What…" He looked up to see a small, Hindu girl with white hair smiling at him. The aura he was getting off of her indicated that it was probably a rare occurrence for her face to be in anything but that smile. 

"Hello, I'm Su! I hope you'll enjoy playing with my toys." Tucking the watermelon under one arm, she whipped out a large remote control and pressed a large, red button. Nothing happened for several seconds.

Erik raised a single eyebrow in response. "And what exactly is _that _supposed to…" Erik paused as he felt a rumbling beneath his feet. "What the hell…" The ground beneath him exploded, sending him flying. Although he lost his mallet in the process, he managed to keep his melon intact. 

__

And the fruit isn't in bad shape either. (Rimshot.) _Argh! That sword infected me somehow! I just know it!_

Erik's thoughts of revenge were forgotten as he observed the source of the disturbance. Blotting out the sun, more massive than many buildings, was a gigantic, mechanized…

Turtle. Although several gun ports and its metal exterior indicated its mechanical nature, Erik could have sworn that he was facing off with an extra from a bad Japanese monster movie.

Su grinned. "How do you like my new Mecha Tama-chan?" She pressed another button. "I had a tough time getting the Hellfire Missiles, but it was worth it!" 

Erik muttered, "Hellfire… aw shit!" Several missiles flew out of previously unseen ports and straight at Erik. 

He dropped the melon for a moment, letting it sink into the warm sand as his hands glowed a bright red. "Smoldering Blood!" He unleashed several of the attacks, detonating the missiles long before they got close enough to annihilate him. 

Erik and the melon were blown back by the explosion, Erik barely managing to catch the fruit in mid flight. He rolled with his landing, ending up at the feet of one of the judges. He stood up quickly. "WHY ISN'T SHE DISQUALIFIED YET!?" 

The man shrugged. "There isn't anything in the rules against using mecha, nor any rule saying that you have to use the mallet provided to destroy your opponent's melons." 

Erik glared at the judge. "Thank you very much for telling me this important information in a timely manner. NOT!" Erik roared, and he tossed his watermelon up into the air. "DEATH OF 1000 DEMONS!" A flurry of white projectiles flew out, catching the robotic turtle across its torso and head. It was quickly obscured at primary and secondary explosions made short work of the mecha. 

On the sidelines, a man dressed in a costume reminiscent of the Flash called out, "Hey! I only counted 999 blasts! You're one short!"

Erik made a show of reaching into invisible pockets. "Wait, wait, it's around here somewhere…"

"Mecha… Tama-chan…" Su's eyes teared up as she saw the remains of her creation. She glanced down. "Oh well. At least I still have my melon!"

Erik's hand was encased in white energy. "There it is!" He shot off his final bolt, hitting Su's melon dead on. 

Erik glanced around like a man possessed, his hands wreathed in white energy. "Well? WHO ELSE WANT'S SOME!?" 

The only remaining contestant, a Wookie, looked down at his melon, then up at Erik. With a single move, he smashed his own melon with the mallet.

"I thought so." Erik spun on his heel and started walking back into the crowd, munching on a slice of watermelon and feeling much better. _I wonder how Celeste is doing?_

************

Celeste groaned. _I'm in hell. There is no other logical explanation for it. _

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. What could be better than a little fun and togetherness to help her husband lighten up? Then the race had started. Erik and Celeste had split up, and in retrospect, she was glad of it. She didn't want him to see this latest scene of ludicrousness she had become part of.

A monkey dressed in a kimono identical to the one that Celeste was wearing leapt at her and scratched at her face. As Celeste's legs had been bound to make sure that she didn't break the rules of the competition, i.e., "contestants must remain in a kneeling position at all times," she could not find her balance in time to avoid falling to the ground.

She wiped the blood from her face with what was obviously very expensive material. _Whoever thought up "Martial Arts Tea Ceremony" should be drug out into the street and shot. _Oh well; there were bigger fish to fry.

The monkey landed across from her and screeched several times. Then, it raised one hand, and one very meaningful finger. 

Fire seemed to flare up in Celeste's eyes. In the blink of an eye, the Ruined Soul daggers were in her hands. "To quote Professor Frink, 'That monkey is going to pay. Gahoy.'"

End Part 64

BobCat's Blog: Two things. First off, I know that there weren't mallets in the original Martial Arts Melon Race. However, mallets=comedy. Secondly, thanks to all of you who sent in letters. However, due to a recent crackdown by FFNET, I won't be posting on this site. I will post the answer page on the Lost Library of Florestica. I'll let you know when I do. That's all. 


	65. Scientific Progress Goes Boink

Part 65

Scientific Progress Goes "Boink"

Erik popped up in amongst a group of about twenty people.

"He's the last one!"

"Ok, what kind of game is this…?" Erik said, looking at his watch.

"Uh buddy, just turn around." One of the other players said.

Erik blinked, and did so.

The huge sign seemed to pop out of nowhere as fireworks exploded around it.

CATCH ROCKY, THE RABID RACOON!

"O… Kaaaay..." Erik said. _Déjà vu. Where have I heard that name?_

"WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And then a wild-eyed CGI looking raccoon suddenly ran through the masses, knocking some of them over before he jumped on Erik's head and bounced off, giving the group a raspberry as he dashed off down the hall.

"Oh yeah, that cartoon. Jeez, can't the authors have ANY original ideas?" Erik pondered. The sky rumbled. "Then again…" Erik said, and took off after Rocky.

The various aliens and men/women watched him, some shaking their heads and some laughing.

"He obviously didn't read the rules…"

Erik dashed off after Rocky. He wasn't as fast as him, but he could plan, while Rocky just ran. The two ran through various hallways, rooms, over pits and up hills, and even through a room covered with ice.

"WHOA!" Rocky yelled as he slipped. Erik saw the ice and leapt, sliding along it as he snapped out his claws.

"I WIN!"

He swung his claws.

And they went right through Rocky.

"Didn't read the rules, didja?" Rocky said. He gave Erik another raspberry and took off again. Erik slapped his head and looked at his watch.

"Yadda yadda Rocky can only be killed with room-granted power ups? Nuts! Guess I'm heading back to the main room." Erik said.

He passed a couple of his competitors as they ran past him with various guns and hand-held weapons. By the time he made it back to the first room however, there was only one power up left.

"A guitar?" Erik said, picking up the instrument. "What, am I supposed to play Honky Tonk Man? How do I use this as a weapon?"

Rocky ran past Erik, and a few seconds later five people followed him, three of them firing various guns which were missing Rocky by the proverbial mile.

"Hmmmm…" Erik said as he looked at his watch. It told him that instructions for each tool could be found in the game room. However, it didn't give any specific location, so Erik had to go hunting.

As various people chased Rocky (with no success), Erik wandered from room to room, occasionally finding scripts floating in the air. None of them had info for how his guitar was supposed to work though.

Less and less people crossed Erik's path as the game apparently failed them and sent them on the loser's path. 

Finally, after climbing on top of a big metal block, Erik found the instructions for his guitar. He scanned through them.

"I see…"

Elsewhere, a black man with a big T painted on his face tried to smash Rocky with a sledgehammer, but the raccoon apparently had some gopher blood in him as he kept ducking into a series of holes away from the hammer.

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

And then Rocky was suddenly on Mr. Terrific's head.

"Frustrating, isn't it?" Rocky said.

Mr. Terrific tried to smash Rocky and just clonked himself in the face with the hammer. He fell over, dazed, and then disappeared in a flash of light.

"Guess that's everyone!" Rocky said, and then his stomach growled.

"Ohhhhh, so hungry! Why do I sign up for this? It's so exhausting! Neeeeed food!" Rocky said, and ran off to find a vending machine.

Erik found the raccoon as he banged on a vending machine, trying to make it cough up some food despite his lack of change. _OK…I can't sing or play the guitar, but I can fake this well enough…_

A guitar playing drew Rocky's attention from the vending machine, and he looked to see the man who had chased him at the beginning leaning on the wall, strumming a guitar.

"Uh…raccoon searching high and low…for the food to make him go…" Erik sang. Intrigued, Rocky pulled out a pair of maracas and began shaking them to Erik's tune, dancing around.

Erik waited until Rocky had danced close.

"And if I catch him in my trap!" Erik sang, and pressed a button on his guitar.

A giant cage suddenly appeared over the two and fell down, sealing Rocky in. Rocky's eyes went wide.

"I'm gonna make me A RACCOON HAT!" Erik snapped, and pressed the other button on his guitar. A blade sprang out.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

CHOCK!

Rocky's head flew off, but since it was just a game there was no blood or gore. Erik reached out and caught the organ.

"Thanks buddy! A headlong fall can be really painful!" Rocky's head said.

"You start making head jokes, I use you as a soccer ball. Got it?" Erik said.

"Gotcha! Hey, I cry foul! I never saw that powerup! Is it new?"

"Guess so."

"Game over." Erik's watch said, and then he was teleported away. Rocky's head fell to the ground.

"Uh, little help here?"

***********

Celeste had played poker before.  She was no card shark (at least, she wasn't after Chastity had figured out to establish a 'no mind reading allowed' rule), and tended to lose more often than she won.

Blackjack was more familiar territory.  Unlike poker, which really needed four people to be fun, she and Erik could play the game during down times, taking turns being the dealer.  It was a useful activity, because it had helped them learn to anticipate the other without using their powers.  

_When Erik is bluffing, he concentrates so hard that his robotic eye stops blinking.  Chastity tends to get a lot more serious.  Ash just has not talent at all for cards.  But these guys… are professionals._

She knew she was out of her league.  It didn't help that she was playing some alien variant card game that combined the most challenging aspects of poker and blackjack, while throwing in a few new ideas.

Sabaac, as it was called, required that the player get chips adding up to, but not exceeding, 23.  There were four suits, but they had names that related more to Star Wars, like Sabers instead of clubs.  Instead of cards, small computer chips that were subject to regular randomization were used.  Some cards were light side, and others were dark side, with the latter having negative value.  Dark side beat light side, and the ultimate trump was called the Idiot's Array.  Much like an idiot might think that 0+2+3=23, this combo was unbeatable.

Celeste attempted to sort through these strange rules, trying not to let her own tells let through.  

The objective wasn't to win.  The people who ran the race had determined that it was unfair to expect people to win consistently enough to get to a certain cash amount.  So, the objective was to either win a million credits, starting with ten thousand, or survive for an hour against without losing all of your money.  

Twenty minutes in, Celeste had less than a tenth of her stash left.  It didn't help that the guys she was playing with were so damned good…

Lando tossed down his chips, placing them in a field that avoided the randomizing.  After all, it would be just plain unfair to have someone's Idiot's Array turn into garbage at the wrong moment.  "Sabaac!  Light side, four cards!"

Celeste groaned.  _I got 12.  This isn't good._

Landa reached for the stack of credit chips in the center.  "Come on, daddy needs to buy back his ship!"

A bo staff pushed away Lando's hands.  "I don' tin so, _mon__ ami.  Sabaac, dark side, three cards."_

Han Solo chuckled.  "So much for the expert gamblers… a little old smuggler like yours truly managed to get himself a Dark Idiot's Array right out from under your noses!"

There was general cursing all around.  Celeste teleported away, having only lasted twenty seven minutes.  _Note to self.  Never go to Vegas.  I just hope Erik is having more luck._

***********

Erik phased into the next arena.  _I wonder where the mists of Avalon have taken me this time?  _

Erik found himself in… nothing.  There was pure white in all directions, with some off white for flavor.  _Was there some kind of glitch?  Wait… I see something in the distance… it's coming this way… _"YIPE!"  Erik barely had time to leap out of the way before what looked like a floating table (mainly because it WAS a floating table) landed where he had been standing a moment before.  Erik examined the nice, oak object and saw no mean so propulsion.  "I guess this means that this is one of those events where physics go tospy-turvey…"  

Erik's eyes spied a small card on the table.  He picked it up.  "Sorry for the delay.  Another player will arrive in two minutes.  Hmmm…. What to do with this time… man I'm glad I have pong on this thing."  From his arm came a small, pre-Game Boy game system, and Erik enjoyed the back and forth monotony of the game.  

Finally, there was a sound that reminded Erik of flaming toilet paper.  "What in…"  Whoever was coming through the dimensional portal, something was wrong…

Erik had heard of Superman.  Even though he was only a pre-change comic book in his world, everyone knew who he was.

What came through was NOT Superman.  Something was off.  The S was backwards.  The skin was pure white, and angular.  And, of course, his face had a look of pure… bliss.

By which is meant ignorance.  

Erik pointed to the bizarre creature as what looked to be the moderator of the game teleported into the blank arena.  "Hey!  He had some kind of transporter malfunction!"

A tiny man wearing a derby (and a sour expression) whipped out a gigantic rulebook.  He spoke very rapidly, giving neither Erik nor the Bizarre Superman (OK, it's Bizarro) a chance to interrupt.  "Alright, I'm Mxyzptlk, that's MR. Mxzyptlk to you.  I'm here for community service and nothing else, so let's get this over with.  Let's set a few basic ground rules.  The name of the game is Finklestein.  It's a favorite of tall, dark and stupid over here, chosen by an author who thought you were too big for your britches.  Guess which one.  Anyway, here is the official description of Finklestein, as seen in Bizarro Comics.*  Ahem.  Bizarro, take it away."

Erik's jaw dropped.  "Finkelstein!?"

Bizarro looked at Erik like he had questioned the existence of Blorfan, lord of happy delusions.  "You know, _Finklestein__.  The game where you look everywhere for the cute rubber squeaky mouse toy (named Finklestein) who you lost at the Super-Market when you were four years old.  Whoever cries first, wins.  It am the bestest, most stupidest game ever!"_

Erik shuddered.  "I refuse to take part in this idiocy!"

Mxzyptlk pointed over his shoulder.  "He's already started without you, Mr. I-wanna-be-Batman.  Better get going."

Bizarro was flying about the emptiness, somehow finding rocks to turn over.  "Finklestein?  Finklestein?  Where are you, my cute, little mouse friend?"

Erik sighed.  With a resigned voice he said, "Finklestein?  Where are you?"

This went on for more than two minutes, until…

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! My little mousey friend is gone forever!"  

Bizarro blinked.  "Bizarro am not thinking you have it in you.  You am good Finklestein player!  We play again some day!"

Erik sighed.  "That had to be the most embarrassing thing I've ever had to do."

Mxzyptlk chuckled as Erik and Bizarro teleported away.  He pulled out a cell phone.  "Hello?  Yes, Phil, I got it on tape, and some nice still shots.  Have you upheld your end of the bargain?  Ah good.  Can't wait to see Mr. Red, White and Stupid's face when he sees this…

***********

In FC-1 Metropolis….

"Hey!  Who put my underwear on the inside!?"

***********

Erik re-appeared in a city street. The amount of garbage and grime on it suggested that it hadn't been used for a while. He looked at his watch.

"Battle game…defeat the foe, best route. Lose, bad route. Give up without fighting, really bad route. I see…" Erik said. He glanced to his side as the last one teleported in: a black haired man in a white robe. Then his ears caught the argument that was happening in front of him, right before he saw it.

_And I keep thinking I can't see anything more absurd._

There appeared to be an argument going on in front of him between a fat kid with a tuque and foul mouth and a humanoid sponge wearing brown shorts and a white shirt with a tie. Watching the argument was another short and not very good looking man wearing his own tuque, a red shirt, and briefs underwear (and just that, no pants).

"YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORI-TAH!" The fat kid was yelling, and he tried to take a swing at the sponge creature. Erik took a step forward and stopped said punch.

"Look kid, we don't need to be fighting each other…"

"SCREW YOU HIPPIE!" The fat kid said, and actually took a swing at Erik. Erik saw it coming a mile away and stepped aside, and the fat kid fell on his face.

"AH! YOU MOTHER (BEEP!)"

Erik's eyes arched. The kid had been bleeped out, like he was on a TV show. Weird.

"I'm gonna make you hella-hurt! No one does that to me! I'm gonna have my Mom sue you!"

"Right. Whatever." Erik said,

"HEY! DON'T YOU IGNORE ME YOU HELLA-BASTARD! I'm gonna (beep!) you up good! You…!"

Erik snapped out his claws. The fat kid's eyes went wide.

"AHHHHHH! HE'S GONNA HELLA-KILL ME! HELP!" the fat kid (ok, it's Cartman) yelled, and ran for it. He dashed for the nearest alleyway. Erik let him go.

"Thanks buddy." Said the sponge.

"Quite an unpleasant little swine." Said Underwear Man, in a French accent.

"Indeed, he's…" Erik said.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Cartman screamed, running full-tilt back towards the group. "MONSTER!"

"Monster?" Erik said, looking at the alleyway.

A low growl came from the darkness.

"STARS…"

And then a massive figure stepped forward, an eight-foot monster built like a bodybuilder. He wore a torn trenchcoat-outfit, which hid every part of him expect his hideous face, a nightmare which had one eye seemingly sewn shut, a mouthful of sharp teeth, and two organic tubes that went from his neck from his shoulders, huge exterior veins perhaps.

"Stars…" the monster growled again.

"I QUIT! I QUIT! GET ME THE HELLA OUGHTTA HERE!" Cartman screamed, pressing his watch. A second later he disappeared.

"OUI OUI! JE SURRENDE!" Underwear screamed, pressing his watch. He too vanished.

"Figured a Frenchman would be cowardly." Erik muttered.

"Um, hate to leave you hanging after that save…but well, uh…BYE!" Sponge said, pressing his watch. He was gone as well a second later.

"Geez…"

The sound of a sword unsheathing caught Erik's ear again, and he turned to see the man in the white robe had drawn a katana.

"Will you take the path of cowardice as well?" he said in a serious tone. Erik blinked.

"Hell no." Erik said, and summoned the Redemption blade as he snapped out his claws.

"STARS…" The Nemesis growled, as it suddenly broke into a run. It's speed amazed Erik, but only for a second.

"Let's rock baby!"

*************

Celeste appeared into a similar environment: a trash-strewn subway. A ringing phone was in the background, but it stopped two seconds after she appeared. Celeste looked at her watch to check the rules and found similar ones that her husband had. She, however, was alone.

"Nice place. Have they ever heard of littering laws?" Celeste said, looking at the trash.

"They're only human."

Celeste turned at the male voice, saw the man behind her, and then her eyes went wide as saucers.

A debonair man stood about fifteen feet from her, dressed in a black suit with black shoes and black sunglasses. He had a cord of some kind going into his ear.

"….AGENT SMITH?" Celeste said incredulously.

"Indeed. Although you are not Mr. Anderson." Agent Smith said. He took off his sunglasses and began to clean them.

"Uh, are you in the right place? Shouldn't you be fighting Neo in the Matrix?"

"One must find something to do between those films." Agent Smith said, and put his sunglasses back on. He put his hands on his suit jacket and tensed, and Celeste heard the popping sound as he flexed various muscles and bones in preparation.

 "I have to fight you? No fair! I'm not the One!"

"Why would you consider it unfair? You cannot die here. All you can do is…" Agent Smith said, and then he suddenly yanked out his gun..

And Celeste's dagger sliced it in two, knocking the pieces out of his hand. He looked at his now empty hand in some amazement.

"'I've seen an Agent punch through concrete walls. Men have emptied entire clips at them and hit only air'…guess your dagger work is a little rusty…" Celeste commented.

"I don't need the gun."

"Hey, no switching bodies when I kick your ass!"

"That won't be necessary." Agent Smith said.

"Oh, think I'm a pushover eh? Well buddy…I know kung fu. And kickboxing. And Tae Kwon Do. And Krav Maja. Plus a few others. So maybe…"

Agent Smith knocked her across the subway with a punch.

A second later, Celeste kicked the debonair cyber-assassin through the subway wall.

"Betcha Neo never did that!" Celeste taunted, and leapt after him.

***************

Erik hit the ground and slid another foot before coming to a stop. His companion did the same, his robe torn and battered.

Erik spat out a glob of saliva tinted red and growled.

"STARS…" The Nemesis growled as it followed them. Its outfit was streaked with lines where Erik and his companion had sliced and diced him, purple blood bleeding out from the wounds. But it was far less then it should have been: the creature had an insanely tough hide, and it healed quick.

"Hardy little bugger, isn't he?" Erik muttered to his companion.

"Indeed, it is one of the toughest beasts I have ever fought! It just won't stay down!" White Robe said.

Erik jammed his sword into the ground. Screw fighting fair.

"YES. IT. WILL." Erik hissed, as white energy exploded on his hands.

"STARS!!!!!!!!!!!" The Nemesis roared, and charged again.

"EAT THIS YOU MONOSYLLABIC TYRANT WANNABE! LAST JUDGEMENT!" Erik yelled, and fired the blast right at the Nemesis's chest. It blew through the creature like paper, incinerating bones and organs. The creature bent over, perhaps more from the impact then from pain, and then White Robe came down from a leap, his sword slashing out and severing the Nemesis's head from his shoulders. Purple blood exploded from the stump, and then the body went down.

"If it gets up from that, I plan on running too." White Robe said. Erik walked up to the body and kicked it a couple of times.

"Looks dead."

The body twitched.

Thirty seconds later, White Robe and Erik had hacked the body into roughly 297 pieces. Erik took a deep breath.

"Nice work my friend."

"Indeed. Your own swordmanship is impressive."

"Erik Ravensky." Erik said, offering a hand.

"Jack." Samurai Jack replied, and shook.

A second later, both were gone on different paths.

Celeste sighed.

"Look I don't mind losing, but could you at least think of something original?" she growled, trying for the tenth time to break Agent Smith's grip and failing.

"The classics are the best, in my opinion." Agent Smith said, as he held the struggling girl from his place on the train tracks, the subway light getting stronger as the train bore down on them.

"Do you hear that girl? That is the sound of…"

"Oh please, at least say a different line!" Celeste growled.

"Very well. Fare thee well, child." Agent Smith said, as the train drew close.

Celeste's eyes darted about, and then seized on one of the overhead mirrors in the subway.

"My name…is Retribution!" Celeste said, and fired a Raven's Beak blast at the mirror. It hit the reflective surface and shattered it, but there was enough to bounce the blast back as Celeste ducked. The blast hit Agent Smith in the head and chest and knocked him off, loosening his grip. Celeste broke free and did a picture-perfect Neo flip up from the tracks to the waiting area.

"And I can't say my lines?" Agent Smith said, and then the train ran him over.

Celeste brushed herself off and walked away as the game teleported her off to the next bit.

Celeste smirked.  "It isn't the lines, it's the guy who says them."

***********

Erik found himself in a scene straight out of Tom Sawyer.  There was a nice old house, with a partially whitewashed fence in front of it.  He noticed several pails of paint, a brush and a note.  The note read thusly:

"Welcome, ye contestant, to the Three Hurdles of Annoyance.  In this place, we hath gathered together some of the most annoying beings in all of creation.  In Hurdle the First, ye must paint yonder fence and go for half an hour without striking the object of annoyance or walking away.  Extra points shall be granted if ye can finish painting yon fence.  Also, ye must respond to all questions asked of ye truthfully, or else ye shall be disqualified.  Beggineth yon constest!"

Erik looked to the heavens.  "Why me?"

_BobCat__: Because I don't like you._

Erik grumbled a few lines about BobCat's lineage, and proceeded to paint.  

Two minutes passed, and there was still no evidence of any so-called annoyance.  Erik briefly wondered if the threat of annoyance was the annoyance he was supposed to overcome.

And then he heard a voice from behind him.

"Wat'cha doin,' Mr. Man?"

Erik slowly turned about, fearing very much what he knew to be behind him.  _It can't be… but… AH!_

And there, straight from an episode of Animaniacs, stood Mindy.

Erik slapped his forehead.  "Damn you, BobCat… I HATED this cartoon…"  Suddenly remembering the rules of the game, and not wanting to be defeated by such a moronic invention, responded, "I'm painting the fence."

Erik new it was coming.  He wished he could stop it, but it was beyond his ken.

"Why?"

Erik grit his teeth.  "Because the piece of paper told me to."

"Why?"

"Because BobCat is a sadistic bastard."

"Why?"

"I think he learned it from MY author."

"Why?"

And thus went the longest half-hour of Erik's life…

*************

Celeste couldn't believe who she had paired with.

"What are YOU doing here?"

"Get bored in old age, I do, sometimes." Yoda said.

"Huh. Well, this is a keeper. I'd have someone snap a picture if I could. Well anyway, we may as well find out what the game is." Celeste said, calling up the instructions. "Put the rock in the hole. Why do I think this fill be more difficult then it sounds?"

"No trouble. Will just lift rock into hole." Yoda said, concentrating.

"Wait, using innate powers will cost us a penalty. If we want the best route, we have to use the in-game tool provided."

"More trouble, then worth. Will just put rock in hole." Yoda said.

"Wait a sec Yoda. Let's just see what we get. It's some kind of randomizer…" Celeste said, and then a small metal object flew in front of her and projected an image of rapidly switching objects. The goal was to reach in and whatever she touched, she got. This turned out to be some kind of gun.

"We get water pistol?" Yoda said in annoyance.

"Uh…no. Hah, we got a good one! This is something called a Transmogrifier gun!" Celeste said.

"That, what now?"

"It's a gun that can alter objects on a molecule level to whatever you desire. Say you don't like your bedspread, well, just zap it and it's an iguana!"

"Hmmmm. Can imagine many uses for hand-held iguana maker, yes."

"It doesn't HAVE to be an iguana. It can be anything! Suppose my husband's getting on my nerves for instance…"

"Leave marriage alone for now. How gun work?"

"Telepathy. It reads your brain waves and transforms the object you aim for into whatever image is in your brain."

"Pretty smart." Yoda said, taking the gun and looking at it.

"Well, it probably took whatever science nerds this place employs a whole afternoon to invent." Celeste said sarcastically.

"Say, I thinking of a nice grilled slice of Dagobah Swamp Skimjer right about now…" Yoda began to say.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE POINTING THAT! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE POINTING THAT!" Celeste yelled, shoving the gun aside so it wasn't aiming at her.

"Fine. What do?"

"I have the stronger body. Turn me into, I dunno, a pterodactyl. I'll pick up the bolder and drop it, and you can turn me back into myself when the game ends."

"Ok. What pterodactyl, some kind of bug?" Yoda said, aiming the gun.

"NO NO NO! IT'S A BIG FLYING DINOSAUR! DON'T SHOOT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!"

*******

Erik twitched as he was teleported to the second hurdle.  "I have faced Agony and her foul spawn, yet somehow THAT competes with them for the most horrifying experience ever."  He glanced around his new surroundings.  "I wonder where the mists of Avalon have taken me this time?"  

The local environs could best be described as low-tech.  Everything was rendered lovingly in eight bits of detail, from the giant in the distance to the sign saying where the cave of no return was.  

Erik scratched his head.  "I wonder where this second hurdle is?  I don't see any…"

Suddenly, a red haired fellow teleported in front of Erik.  "Sword-Chucks, yo!"

Erik was suddenly VERY afraid.

*********

Back in Celeste's game, Yoda had managed to avoid transforming Celeste into a bug. However, what had happened wasn't much better.

"A CHICKEN?!? YOU TRANSMOGRIFIED ME INTO A CHICKEN! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TURN ME INTO A PTERODACTYL, YOU IDIOT!" Celeste yelled as she hopped around in her new body. Apparently she still maintained a few aspects of being human, like vocal cards. "All you had to do was THINK of a pterodactyl! What possessed you to think of a CHICKEN?"

"Lunchtime, almost is."

"Oh I see! Well I'm glad you weren't hungry for a hot dog!" Celeste snapped. She didn't like this body: it was too weak. "Ok look, take the gun and do it properly this time!"

"Ok, here go." Yoda said, aiming the transmogrifier again.

ZAP!

"Well, that's more LIKE it!" Celeste said when she saw she was a pterodactyl this time. She flapped her new wings once and then looked up, a bit surprised.

"Say, when did you turn yourself into a 200-foot tall colossus?" Celeste said, looking at how the short Yoda towered over her.

"Me not. Why?"

"What the…YOU TRANSMOGRIFIED ME INTO A _TINY_ PTERODACTYL?" Celeste yelled.

"Willies, big creatures give me, yes." Yoda said.

"You numbskull! How aim I supposed to lift the rock like this?"

"Hmmmmpphh, how rude! Well you can just stay like that for now!"

"That's it, I'LL SHOW YOU!" Celeste said as she grabbed the gun in her tiny wing hands and managed to pull the trigger.

ZAP!

"Ha ha, serves you right!" Celeste said, as she looked at the new Yoda, now a duck.

"My friend, big mistake, you just make."

*********

Fighter continued his sword-chuck monologue.  "And that is why sword-chucks are the perfect weapon!"

Erik glared at the pest.  "Hey, what am I supposed to be doing here, anyway?  Gimme a sign here!"

Erik, who had been walking with Fighter, ran straight into a sign, almost breaking his nose.

Erik groaned.  "You are FAR too literal, BobCat.  Lesse here… convince this fool of the folly of sword-chucks!?  I hate you, BobCat."

Fighter tapped Erik's shoulder again.  "Excuse me, my good sir, but might I borrow some money?  I need to invest in more shineys so I can get money for my sword-chuck factory."

Erik growled, "Look you nitwit, sword-chucks are by far the worst weapon ever!  You hold either side, and odds are you'll cut off your hand!  And nunchuks are hard enough to avoid hitting yourself with!   Just imagine the challenge of not removing a limb!"

Fighter laughed.  "You and your silly 'logic' make me laugh!  I believe that the problems you talk about are all a matter of good technique."

Erik gave Fighter an odd look.  "Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child?"

"You'd be hard pressed to find a time when I WASN'T eating paint chips!"

Erik decided to change tactics.  Holding up katana from his arm's storage space, he said, "I'll give you this, how did you put it, 'shiney,' if you'll say aloud that sword-chucks are a stupid idea."  _It's like they say; if you can't beat 'em, bribe 'em._

"Ooh!  I don't have THAT kind of shiney!  I'll do it!  Sword-chucks are a stupid idea!"

Erik tossed him the sword as he teleported.  "Now don't stab yourself with that!"

Black Mage popped out from behind a bush.  "Hey!  Stabbing jokes are MY shtick!  Get your own!"

Erik sighed as he was once again destroyed and rearranged by the transporter.  "Too bad I didn't notice that one.  Killing a Corrupt is always a good way to let off some steam."

Erik surveyed his surroundings.  There was swampland as far as the eye could see (not that the eye could see very far, what with the trees), and various creatures with wings and without made their way through the upper canopies.

Erik scratched his head.  "This isn't annoying… sure, it all looks computer generated and oddly familiar, but nothing too annoying.  I wonder what the third hurdle is…"

A voice from behind answered Erik's question immediately.  "Heydo!  Meesa Jar Jar ACK!"

The cry of pain came as Erik's talons slashed straight through Jar Jar's neck, killing him in a spray of blood and gore.  Erik commented, "I may be patient, BUT I AIN'T THAT PATIENT!"

**************

"There, now we're BOTH transmogrified! We're even!" Celeste said.

"Even? Would be only if improvement was being turned into duck." Yoda replied.

"This isn't what I meant when I said turn me into a pterodactyl! They're supposed to be BIG! How are we supposed to move the rock like this?"

"No good me being duck either!"

"Well, fair is fair!"

"Ok, I take transmogrifier and fix you up right." Yoda said as he picked up the gun and aimed at Celeste.

ZAP!

"WHY YOU! GIMME THAT GUN!" Celeste yelled, as she was now a pig. She snatched it from Yoda and fired.

ZAP!"

"Insult! This worse then before!" Yoda yelled, now a baboon. He grabbed the gun back.

ZAP! Yoda turned Celeste into a flower.

ZAP! Celeste turned Yoda into an alligator.

ZAP! Yoda turned Celeste into an armadillo.

MUCH LATER…

"Great, just great. Which one of us is Celeste and which is Yoda now?" an owl said.

"Hope Celeste you, husband will have fit when he sees this." A strange purplish-coloured dog creature said.

"Ok ok, let's settle this. I'll turn you back into Yoda and you turned me back into me, ok!" Owl-Celeste said.

"Ok."

ZAP! Yoda was back to normal.

"Ah, that better."

"Now do me." Celeste said, handing the gun over.

CLICK.

"What's happening? I'm not transmogrifying!" Celeste said.

"Wow, glad I done first." Yoda said.

"Why isn't the gun working?" Celeste asked.

"May be broken, or out of power."

"………….OH NO! DON'T TELL ME I'M STUCK AS AN OWL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!??!?!?!"

"I suppose owls eat mice. Probably get some from forest." Yoda said.

"Oh no, this is terrible! What am I going to do?" Celeste cried, flying around.

"Ugh, could never eat mouse raw. Small feet probably really cold on way down." Yoda kept saying, ignoring Celeste's panic.

"WILL YOU FORGET ABOUT THE STUPID MICE AND JUST HELP ME!??!?!?!"

"Wonder if pet store sell you mouse if they know you plan to eat it." Yoda replied.

"NO MICE! WE NEED TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM!"

"Ok." Yoda said, and with a wave of his arm the rock Celeste and he were supposed to lift floated up and fell in the hole. "Have fun, owl!"

"YOU LOUSY…!" Celeste yelled, as she flew at Yoda and tried to claw and beak his head. Yoda was about to literally force her away when the two shimmered and disappeared.

When they reappeared, Celeste was a lot bigger, and could no longer use any means of self-levitation. As a result, she landed on Yoda.

"OW! Something broke, yes!"

"YES! It was just an in-game transformation! It wore off!" Celeste said, getting off and dancing away, delighted to be back in her old body.

"Medic, call!"

**************

Phil grumbled.  "No good lousy O'Connor.  Finally get ten minutes to see Kione and WHAT happens?  Damn rassn frassn Physics Police.  Have half a mind to quit right here and now."  You see, Erik's interference in the DC universe had caused many complicated and almost impossible to track ripples throughout neighboring universes.  

The reality he was in, for instance, was one where on the fateful day that Peter Parker had been transformed into Spider-Man, a ripple had seen to it that Flash Thompson would get a broken leg the day before.  Thus, he couldn't take his girlfriend Liz Allen to the party that night, thus she was bored, and thus she accepted Peter's offer to accompany him to the radiation demonstration.  

And then she got bit by the darn thing, making her the Incredible Spider-Woman, international superstar.  She had no interest in being a superhero, and according to the people in the Physics Police who monitor such things, the death count from her inaction was already 200, and she hadn't been going for more than a month!  

Oh yeah, and some nutty group called ACROSS actually succeeded in taking over a city in central Japan.  But that was an allowable deviance, since ACROSS had not thought to ever raise anything approaching a military and even the JSDF mopped the floor with them.  

So, left with no other recourse, Phil was forced to deliver a newly microwaved spider to the Parker residence.

Phil chuckled.  "This is going to be perfect.  I made sure that Uncle Ben and Aunt May were out of the house, Peter's home, and when he answers the door, WHAMMO!  Greater responsibility!"

Unfortunately for Phil, Flash and Peter had become friends over the past month, mainly because Flash had been laid up and none of the jocks wanted to slow down for their teammate.  

Flash had graduated from crutches to cane by this time.  Phil opened the box automatically, not realizing until it was too late what was happening.

Phil cried out, "OH GOD DAMMIT!"

End Part 65

*On sale now!  Probably… it's very good.  Even if you're like BobCat and only read DC comics when there's nothing better to do, it's very enjoyable.  It's freaky AND educational!  Well, freaky, at least.

  



	66. Plastic and Paper Mache Is More Painful ...

Part 66 

Plastic and Paper Mache Is More Painful Then You Think

"Yes, I believe I remember him. He was one of the last to sign up," said the man who had been signing up people. His name was Allen Alfred, and he got tasks like these because he didn't find them boring. He handed the picture back to the PP Head Guard.

"Ok, where is he?"

"In the maze sir."

"Ok, bring him out."

"I'm afraid I can't do that sir. He's part of the game. If I just try to bring him out I could disrupt it for everyone. That would be annoying, and possibly have even worse consequences."

"OK then, where is he?"

"I don't know."

"WHAT? Why?"

"Well, the computer is designed that way. We had cases of robots and such hacking while in the middle of the race to figure out their position and such. So it was set up so we don't know where they are. Only if they're in danger, or if they're moving to another area."

"Blast!"

"Wait sir, I may be able to do something…let me see if I can find his ID number…ah, this is it."

"What are you doing?"

"This competition is usually for adults, but we have one at the same time for children which is basically a much smaller and less dangerous game. If I can catch him when he's moving, I can alter his path and dump him into the children's race. Since it only has a few dozen "rooms", per say, you would be able to find him much easier. However, you had best move fast. If he manages to complete the task in the room, he'll be moved on, and his device will put him back in the adult's game. And I won't be able to move him again, or the computer will read it as potential sabotage and that would be bad for me. Here, my assistant will give you devices that keep you from being "absorbed" into the tasks as our competitors are."

"Thank you!"

"What about the girl sir?" asked one of the guards who had been given the task by O'Conner. Phil's ceremony was starting soon and he and his companions were unavailable.

"I can only do this once. Otherwise the computer…well, it's touchy." Allen said as he typed at his monitor.

"Sigh. Ok. Chad! Timpa! You go into the race and try and find the girl! I know it won't be likely, but that's no excuse not to try! Goof off and you won't be getting any break time for a while!"

"Yes sir…" Chad sighed. It was just his luck. He and Timpa had just started with the ping-pong and then they had gotten roped into this little mess. All for a vigilante. How annoying.

"Ok, I have him! He's moving…" Allen said as he rapidly typed. "There! I altered his path successfully! He's in the children's race. I suggest you hurry."

"Will do. Move out men!"

Erik landed successfully and observed his new surroundings. It looked like an empty mountain range. _Another battle. Ok, bring it on._

"Hey, what's HE doing here?"

The child's voice snapped Erik out of the battle state of mind he was about to enter. He glanced over at the group of four children. Two looked human, but the third had blue skin, and another had pointed ears. _They let kids play this? Is that smart? Some of these games have been really tough and dangerous._

"A grown-up? SPEW! They said this was just for children!" one of the "normal" kids said. Erik blinked. _Ok, this is…odd. Better ask what's going on._

"Um…are you children supposed to be here?" Erik said as he walked the several steps to them. "Where's your parents?"

"You shut up!" one of them said, and to his surprise, kicked him in the shin.

"OW! What was that for?"

"They said this was just for us! No grown-ups! But they lied! This is our game! It even says so!" Pointy-Ears complained.

"Your game?"

"Yes! The 3rd Annual Child's Game La…lab-er…"

"Labyrinth?"  

"Yeah! Why are you here?"

"Um…I'm not SUPPOSED to be…I was in the other one…methinks there's been a mistake…um, hello? I seem to be in the kid's game…hello? HELLO?" Erik said into his "watch". He vaguely heard the kids talking behind him.

"All right! We got one of the Open ones!"

"Let's do it then!"

"Aw man, we need five of us to do something like that!"

"Just add in the grown up! We can use him as a shield…"

That caught Erik's ear, as he turned around as the kids pressed something on their own "watches".

"Game beginning."

As Erik was about to find out, these four children were good friends who had entered and were going through their race together. They had many things in common, but they all loved one thing above all. And in an Open Match (which Erik would find out later, allowed pretty much anything to happen per the children's requests), they were going to live out a dream.

And Erik was going to get dragged along with them.

The first thing Erik felt was something appearing on his back in some kind of holster. The second thing he noticed was the arrival of what looked like several men in ludicrous green costumes and green make-up on their faces that gave a half-hearted appearance of a monster. _What the heck?_

"Oh no! The Slimies! Get 'em guys!" yelled one of the kids (apparently the leader of the group). _The Slimies? What the heck…_

One of the "Slimies" tried to attack Pointy-Ears, and Pointy-Ears kicked in retaliation. It was one of the worst kicks Erik had ever seen, a kick that a child imagined a martial artist would do. However, the "Slimy" acted like he had been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer, flying away in a spiraling twist. And just to make it even stranger, sparks flew off his chest. _OK…_

It was the same for the other kids, as they went through a weird sort of dance that they thought passed for martial arts, kicking and punching the "Slimies". The Slimies didn't give up though, getting kicked and punched again and again.

And then Erik got a faint recollection of an afternoon in a hotel, lying on the bed, trying to rest up and heal from an ambush that had gone bad, barely able to move and hence unable to even change the TV channel he was watching, of the show that had come on then, and had made him laugh at it's sheer badness and absurdity…

_NO. Please, NO._

One of the Slimies ambled over to Erik in a weird, jerking gait, and Erik, reacting on instinct, kicked him, a proper kick. The poor Slimy flew 20 feet. They were just computer simulations, but Erik felt bad all the same.

"Whoa! Look what the grown up did!"

"Cool!"

Erik didn't get to enjoy the children's new approval much, as two more "Slimies" attacked him. Erik fended them off easily. The children went back to their idea of fighting. It kept working. Then again, Erik couldn't really figure out a way to have an attack NOT work. Not only did the "Slimies" walk like they were trying to avoid stepping on any ants, their only mission seemed to be to get as close to one of the kid's faces and make weird noises until they got kicked in the chest.

"AHA! Well done! But you can never defeat me!"

Erik, not really worried at whoever was speaking, finished off the last "Slimy" that was attacking him with a punch with his metal arm. That Slimy flew nearly 40 feet. Then he turned, even as the kids finished off their "foes" and did likewise.

"AHHHHHHHH! IT'S THE PINEOCTOPUS!" one of them screamed.

All Erik could see was what looked like a reject from a Godzilla movie. It really was a god-awful costume. Ok, Erik could understand the "Octopus" part, it had a bunch of yellow tentacles growing out of its head. And he supposed some of the "monster" looked enough like a plant to warrant the "pine" moniker. But really, the only threat it posed to Erik was that it might make him die laughing.

However, he hadn't created it. The kids had, from their many sessions of playing, and much like when kids went to see Santa (or the men dressed up as Santa), they were terrified that their crayon drawings had become flesh and blood.

"Beware children! You have angered me, the Pineoctopus! Now, I will turn you all into cardboard cutouts!"

_He'll do WHAT?_

"Huh? Who are you? Oh no matter, I'll turn you into a cardboard cutout too!" the Pineoctopus (from now called the PIO) said to Erik, and waddled over, swiping at him. Erik just dodged aside and retaliated with a kick. Sparks flew off the monster's chest.

"Ow! That's it! I'll definitely turn you into a cardboard cutout now!" the PIO said, and attacked again. Erik dodged, and this time pulled out the Redemption blade and slashed it. He expected it to be cut in half: all he got was more sparks and another yell to indicate the PIO didn't like getting slashed. Erik looked over to the kids, who were still huddled together, scared.

The PIO hit him. It wasn't that hard, and it didn't hurt, but for some reason Erik still found himself being thrown through the air. And sparks came off of him too. _Oh god, it is this. Please no. If I get seen in this…_

"Hey, we can't let the grownup fight for us! This is our game! Let's do it guys!" Leader Boy said.

"Right!" the other three said at the same time, as they spread out behind him. Erik looked at them. _It COULD still be something else._

"IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!"

_That cinches it. I'm actually in a Power Rangers episode! Worse, a bunch of kid's ideas of what an episode is! If anyone sees me in this I'll never recover my rep!_

"Crimson Brave Ranger!" Leader Boy yelled as he pulled a device out from behind him. There was a flash and he was in a red spandex suit with a helmet. He did some poses.

"Turquoise Brave Ranger!" Blue Skin said. He got a blue outfit. 

"Nocturne Brave Ranger!" Pointy-Ears said. He got a black outfit. Erik was amazed the child knew such a big word, ultil he realized he had probably played this game many times and had probably looked the word up to impress his friends.

"Emerald Brave Ranger!" said the other "human", the only girl. She got a green outfit.

"We are the Brave Rangers, courageous defenders of earth! We will defeat you!" Red said, taking the leader role.

"Ha! Try to stop me Rangers, cardboard cutouts you will turn into!" the PIO retorted. Erik sighed. _Ok, maybe it could need a little more insight, but then again, it's pretty amazing that a rubber octopus plant could talk to begin with._

"Let's go Brave Rangers!" Red said, as the kids pulled weapons out of nowhere. Worse, they all looked like they were made of plastic. They ran and attacked the PIO, and he immediately smacked two of them. It resulted in the "SPINNING FALL WITH THE SPARKS OF DOOM!" as well. The kids cried in pain. Erik felt a faint stirring of anger. _Well, I'm sure as hell not using this device on my back, but I can still fight!_

"Ha ha! Now you will feel that…ARGH!" the PIO yelled as Erik charged and connected with a beautiful jump kick. More sparks.

"You annoying man! Take this!" the PIO said, and shot a bunch of lasers from somewhere. The ground exploded, but not in the way Erik was expecting. This explosion was more akin to someone setting off some pyro techniques. However, it still somehow caused Erik and the four kids to get tossed to the ground. _This game's preset perimeters are starting to annoy me!_

"And try this too!" the PIO said. This time he_ threw some energy bombs. Erik and the kids got tossed to the ground again. _Well, I suppose it's a good thing he can do that too. Monsters who want to take over the world would have a hard time of it by turning people into paper one by one.__

"We will not fall! We will defeat you instead!" Black said, and hit the PIO with his weapon, which appeared to be an axe made of plastic. It worked anyway, with the usually sparks.

Inspired, Red hit the monster with his plastic sword. More sparks. Erik figured he'd done enough and stepped back to allow the kids to take care of it.

"Aha! I found him! He's in one of the Open Forums!"

"Which one?" asked the Head Guard.

"Uh, I can't tell…"

"Argh! Well, there's only three! We'll check them all!"

"You fools! You-ARGH!" The Pio yelled as Green and Blue shot the monster with their weapons. Even more sparks and even a few explosions indicated it had been very successful.

"Yes! Now I will finish you with my Brave Blade!" Red yelled.

"No! I get to finish him with my Brave Blasters!" Blue complained, holding up his plastic guns that looked more like the gun Erik had used to play _Duck Hunt then a serious weapon._

"No! Boys always win! I get to finish him with my Brave Bow!" Green whined. Indeed, it was just a bow: she seemed to pull arrows out of nowhere.

"Forget it! I get to finish him with my Brave Battleaxe!" Black said. Erik smacked his head.

"WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST SHOOT HIM AT ONCE!"

"……..hey, we can do that! Get ready Brave Rangers!" Red said, they all lined up. Fortunately, the PIO just stood still, as if transfixed in awe.

"Now! Brave Barrage!" Red yelled. And all PIO could do was yell as the four kids shot him with energy from their weapons before he fell over and blew into a million pieces.

"Thank god that's over with. Now maybe I can move on to something that actually…" Erik said as he looked at his watch. He stopped when he realized it wasn't blinking, which meant he couldn't move on yet. Which meant the game wasn't finished.

Another old memory flashed. What usually happened when the monster was beaten in these shows…

And then a staff flew from the sky and hit the ground, and suddenly Erik was looking at the PIO again. Except this time, the PIO was 150 feet tall. _Oh yeah, they super-size them._

"AHAHAHAHA! Now I will squish you! As flat as a cardboard cutout!" the PIO said. The kids were screaming again, terrified. _Huh? Why are they scared? Aren't they supposed to have a bunch of robots waiting in the wings for something like this?_

The kids kept screaming, clustering together and holding each other. The PIO just kept laughing, and then raised a foot. _UH OH._

Erik threw a special blast that did a big twist and exploded on the side of the PIO's head, and it surprised the monster enough so that he could run over to the kids.

"What are you waiting for? Call your robot-things, put them together, and kick some butt!"

"Our Brave Zords?" Red said, fearfully.

"Yes!"

"We don't have any Zords! We couldn't think up any, so we would just play the first part! We never played the giant monster part! I'm scared! He's gonna squash us!" Green wailed. Erik looked up. _Damn. They need giant robots, but the game won't give them any unless they specifically ask for them, and they can't think any up! Crap!_

"No, he's not going to squash you!"

"Oh yes I am!" the PIO said as he raised one huge foot.

"Damn. RUN!" Erik yelled, and he and the kids did so. They finally managed to hit in a forest while the PIO looked for them and made more threats, mostly about cardboard cutouts (what, you were expecting something different?)

"What are we going to do?" Red asked.

"Here's what." Erik said. He was always good at thinking on the run, and carefully explained his plan to the kids in terms they could understand, even giving them an idea what to say.

"Think you can remember that?" Erik said after he was done.

"Yeah!"

"Ok then, it's up to you. I'm gonna get out of the way." _And hence not have to participate in this farce. Erik thought as he headed off in the opposite direction of the children. _I thought up ideas for robots for them, they can use them to win.__

"Aha! There you are! Now I will finally turn you into cardboard cutouts!" the PIO said as the kids ran out.

"Let's do it guys! WE NEED BRAVEZORD POWER, NOW!"

"I call apon the many-headed monster, the Chimera!" Black yelled. And sure enough, a second later a robot Chimera came out of nowhere. But it didn't look like a dumb plastic contraption, oh no. Apparently the game recognized it came from Erik's mind then Black's, and instead of a clunky puppet it was more of a well-drawn anime mech.

"I call apon the fiery legend bird, the Phoenix!" Green called. And a few seconds later out flew a brightly painted robot phoenix.

"I call apon the black wings of the night, the Raven!" Blue  beckoned. A robot Raven joined the Phoenix. _That one was for you, Sweetie. Erik thought as he finished climbing up the hill he had decided to watch the fight from._

"And I call apon the unstoppable blade of the Warrior!" Red finished. He got a humanoid mech in armour with a sword. And with that the kids jumped into their robots and started shooting and slashing the PIO with various weapons.

"HAHA! Your stupid robots are no match for me! I (Co-Writer's Note: The follow threat has been deleted by Bobcat, because if I hear the words "cardboard cutout" one more time, I'm going to beat Ash to death with my mouse)" the PIO said, and shot more lasers and bombs. It turned out even Erik's robots spewed the SPARKS OF DOOM.

"Quick! We must combine them!" Red said. Fortunately, Erik had told them how they did that as well.

The Chimera split up into pieces, parts of it locking onto the Warrior's legs and arms. The Raven, somehow continuing to fly even as it changed, locked onto the Warrior's chest. Finally, the Phoenix swooped down and landed on the Warrior's head to form a fancy helmet.

"Yeah! Brave Megazord, activate!" the kids yelled in their new command center, which they had all been teleported to when their robots had combined. The Brave Megazord pulled out a new fancier sword it had gotten from somewhere and commenced a new attack.

Erik watched as the giant robot and the PIO beat on each other, with all the effects he had seen before. However, one thing struck him as odd: the PIO kept coming out on top of the fistfights, even though the kids kept slashing him with their sword and shooting him with various laser weapons.

"WHOA!" Erik yelled as the giant robot got knocked down again and nearly landed on him. "What's going on? I thought when the giant robot was formed we were t minus six seconds away from a monster exploding!"

"Fools! You can't beat me alone! I will destroy you!" the PIO said, and knocked the giant robot down again.

"We need more help! HELP!" Red said.

Erik looked quizzingly at the battle, and then what the PIO had just said came back to him.

_You can't beat me alone…_

Remembering the sense of receiving equipment at the beginning of this whole mess, Erik reached back and found what he was looking for: one of the devices the kids had used to…

"……………..NO. I will NOT. NO." Erik said, wondering if he should just throw the device away, turn into Redemption, and hit the PIO with an enhanced Last Judgement Blast. Let's see if THAT just produced sparks.

The PIO knocked the robot down again, and now Erik could hear all the kids calling for help. How he could hear them considering they were in a giant robot hundreds of feet away was a mystery, but hey, that's the story of, that's the glory of…

"No. I refuse! I will not!"

"Help! We need help!"

Erik's innate instincts to help clashed with his reluctance to do so in a situation that was ultimately just a game and he wasn't going to subject himself to fighting in a spandex suit with a monster that only seemed to be able to…well, you know. (BobCat! Put the mouse down!)

But the kids needed help…

Erik glanced around. He couldn't see any cameras. Good. If anyone saw this…He sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Ok, but I didn't want to do this!" Erik said. Well, if he was going to do it, he might as well do it well.

"IT'S MORPHING TIME! VENGEANCE!"

FLASH!

To his surprise, Erik didn't find himself in a spandex suit. Instead, he found himself in his usual outfit, except it was now white, had blades running up the arms, and had a helmet that looked more like ninja headgear then the space-suit like helmet the kids were wearing. _Huh. I guess it reflects on how you want it! Ok, I need a robot!……Ok, got one!_

"I call the Vendetta…Zord." Erik said, saying the last word as quietly as possible.

And a few seconds later, his new robot arrived, a giant war…dove. Erik couldn't help but stare for a few seconds. His fighting robot was a DOVE!??!?!?! WHOSE DAMN IDEA WAS THIS?

"Oh hell with it! Get me up there!"

And Erik suddenly found himself up in a cockpit. He blinked and then began looking around for the controls. _Uh steering…brakes…weapons…combine? What…oh yeah. Well, let's get this over with as quickly as possible!_

"He wasn't in any of the others, sir! He must be in this one!" one of the guards said as he and his companions ran down the hallway.

"Ok men! Get ready!" the Head Guard said, as a door opened and they ran out onto the mountain range.

"HUH?" the PIO said as he saw the giant dove robot fly out. A moment later Erik popped up in the command center.

"Heya kids!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Helping you out! Let's take this guy down!" Erik said. His dove robot was already splitting up and locking onto parts of the Brave Megazord to make an even fancier robot.

"All right! Brave Ultrazord, activate! Activate Brave Bladestaff!" Red said. The robot pulled out the new bladestaff and sliced PIO twice, and from his yells, it was clear he didn't like it.

"Ok, I know this thing has some sort of really big attack! So let's cut to the chase and use it!" Erik said.

"OK!"

The robot held his bladestaff up and it locked onto his chest, even as Erik's dove robot's wings turned into cannons that aimed over the robot's shoulders. More weapons appeared on the chest and arms.

"Ok, let's go! Brave…uh, what should we call it?" Red asked.

"I don't care! The Supreme Mountain Heavenly Ascension Brave Blast!" Erik said sarcastically. 

"OK! SUPREME MOUNTAIN HEAVENLY ASCENSION BRAVE BLAST!" all the kids yelled. The robot charged up and fired off a really big gigantic laser blast.

"OH NO!" PIO yelled.

BOOM! The monster blew up again, and that was the end of him. Erik sighed in relief.

"We won! Thanks mister!"

Meanwhile, out on the ground, the PP re-emerged from behind the rock they had hidden behind when the giant robot had fired the laser cannon.

"He must be in the robot! Quick, get inside it!" the PP Head guard said as he lead the charge towards the robot.

Erik looked at his watch and found it was blinking this time.

"You're welcome. But I must be going now…"

"Awwwww, c'mon! Watch our victory pose first!"

"Ok, but just that."

The Head PP Guard was just about to reach the foot of the robot when it moved slightly. Unfortunately, that slight move caused the foot to come right down on him.

"OH NO!"

STOMP!

The Brave UltraZord raised it's staff triumphantly.

"Ok, that's all."

"Ok. Good luck kids. That wasn't too bad actually." Erik said, and pressed his watch. His outfit disappeared, and then he did.

"Ok guys, it's been fun, but we still have to try and win the race! Let's go!" Red said.

The robot vanished as the kids went on to the next part of the game, revealing the Head Guard up to his neck in dirt.

"What are you waiting for? Dig me out!"

*************

Phil cackled evily as he lowered young Peter Parker (who was tied and gagged) into a tank full of radioactive spiders.  Over the past week (as time passed in that universe, anyway), he had tried many variations of his plans to get Peter bitten by a spider, and but all had failed miserably.  During the course of the week, Mary Jane Watson, Aunt May, Uncle Ben, the family dog, Scruffy, and basically everyone in the series EXCEPT Peter Parker had gained the proportionate strength, speed etc. of a spider.  

Phil looked the descending teen in the eye.  "So, you think you're SOOO clever, not getting bitten like you should have.  Let Mary Jane run off to become the Scarlet Spider, or let Flash become the best football player in history, period!  You just can't allow yourself to take hold of your destiny, you little twat!"  Phil removed Peter's gag.  "So, any last words before you become a super hero?"

Peter cried out, "Please don't do this!  I'm deathly allergic to spider bites!"

As the enraged radioactive arachnids swarmed over the doomed young man, Phil could only cry.

***********

Celeste appeared in a hallway of doors. Puzzled, she looked around for instructions, but none were forthcoming. She went through a door, and was surprised when she re-emerged in the same hallway through another door. She tried a different door. Same thing happened.

"Hmmmmm, curious."

Celeste opened one door and examined it for any possible hidden things, when there were more sparkles and suddenly a man and a Namek appeared at the end of the hallway much like Celeste had.

"Man, this is becoming tiresome." Timpa said, as he looked at the hallway of doors, all closed except one. "How do we get these jobs?"

"Just lucky, I guess." Chad said as he looked down the hallway. The door closed.

The two's eyes nearly bugged out of their heads, and Chad and Timpa looked at the picture they were carrying.

"It's HER!"

"Uh oh." Celeste said at the reaction. It was clear they weren't people who were just playing the game.

"Get her Timpa!" Chad said, as he prepared to whip up a spell to slow the girl down, just in case she had enough speed to outrun his alien companion.

Unfortunately, the spell never even got off the ground, as a weird buzzing noise suddenly sounded in his head, interrupting his concentration. Timpa also didn't get off the ground, literally, as he leapt off to flew and landed on his face.

"Hey, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!?!??!?!" Chad yelled in his game watch.

"Current game seals all possible inhuman powers. Must go with only your body has."

"No no, I'm not part of the game! I have this device! We both have them!" Chad yelled, unclipping the device and waving it in front of the watch as if the device had eyes.

"Please read code."

"Uh, 650-96-GUC-12!"

"Code accepted. Will verify. This will take ten minutes." The watch said.

"NO NO NO! NOT NOW!" Chad yelled, but the watch wasn't talking any more. "Ok Timpa, we're on our own for ten minutes! But no sense in just standing around, get her!"

"Huh." Celeste said, as the Namek ran at her. She looked around and then opened the door she had been examining. A few seconds later Timpa reached it and went in after her.

Chad's mages robes were not designed for running, and hence he reached the same door several seconds later, after it had already closed. He reached out to grab the handle.

And then another door opened down the hall, and Celeste ran out of that one, reaching for the door across from her and opening it, fleeing as Timpa ran out of the same door and followed her.

Chad ran over to that door, but no sooner did he put his hand on the handle again that another door opened and the process repeated itself.

Chad ran over to the new door, and another door opened. This time Timpa ran out first and ran through another door with Celeste chasing HIM.

"Ah man, I don't need this loony toons shit!" Chad cursed, and waited. Another door opened and Timpa chased Celeste through another door. Then another door opened, close to Chad this time, and he managed to get over as Timpa ran through the door and follow the Namek.

Another door opened, Celeste ran out, then Chad, then Timpa, out through another door.

New door. Celeste, Timpa, Chad, and then Celeste again.

New door. This time Celeste opened the door in front of her and hid behind it. Chad and Timpa ran out and through the open door, and then with a sudden yell of realization Celeste slammed the door and ran back through the previous one.

Two doors opened on each side of each other, and then Chad and Timpa ran into each other, falling to the floor in a heap. A second later Celeste ran out of the door Chad had run out of at top speed and tripped over the two, flying into the open door Timpa had come out of. The two cursed and followed her in a half run half stumble from getting up.

New door. Chad and Timpa ran out being chased by Celeste.

New door. Timpa ran out, stepped to the side of the door, and stuck out his foot. A second later Chad ran out and tripped, his hand catching the door handle opposite him as an attempt to break his fall, at the same time pulling the door open. A second later Celeste followed and leapt-frogged over Chad and out through the open door. The two cursed some more and followed.

Two doors opened opposite each other. Two Celestes ran out. They looked at each other, screamed, and ran back through the doors they came from.

Two doors opened, at different points in the hallway. Chad and Timpa emerged, looking at each other, and then a door opened between them and Celeste came out.

"We got her! Sandwich her!" Chad yelled, as the two men attempted to corral the girl.

And then, suddenly, Celeste's watch chirped.

"Game successfully completed. Well done."

And then Celeste vanished into a flash. The two men roared their frustration.

"WHAT THE HELL! WHAT DID SHE DO!!??!?!?!?"

"Identity verified. Powers unlocked." Chad's watch said.

"It's too damn late for that you stupid device! Now how does this game work?"

"Test of patience. Player is left in room without being told what to do. To get best result, player must say in room for maximum of ten minutes without complaining or asking what they are supposed to do. If player does so, they are placed upon worse route depending on how long they waited."

"Yeah, and she didn't complain. Why? Because we were too busy chasing her." Timpa stated. Chad sighed.

"Well, at least we tried."

"And got some exercise."

"Still gonna complain about the system when we get out?"

"Damn straight."

****************

As Phil observed the progress of the alternate Spider-verse, he knew that someone was going to kill him over this.  With Peter Parker dead, Uncle Ben blamed himself, dedicating his new Spider-powers to the pursuit of justice.  

  
"It's like I always say: with great power comes even greater responsibility!"

On that note, Phil was going to count it as a victory.  There were no less that twenty spider-people running around that universe, and two of them fought crime.  That should have been more than enough.  Right?

"PHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!  OFFICE!  YESTERDAY!"

Phil grumbled, "It's never enough for O'Connor…"

***************

Erik appeared sitting at a table.  In front of him was a bottle of alcohol of some kind, but he ignored it as he absorbed his environment.  It looked to be a nightclub of some kind, with soft, almost unnoticeable light.  The people around him were looking intently upon the stage, upon which stood some "underdeveloped" redhead with an apparent love of capes and leather.  And she was singing.  Erik got the impression that she was winding up what must have been a very spirited performance.  

            "I did it… MYYYYYYYYYYYYY WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Erik winced as her voice obviously left its natural range.  _Spirited doesn't always mean good._

  She gave a grandiose bow, obviously expecting a massive wave of admiration from the mortals that she had just blessed with music worthy of the gods themselves.  One could literally hear the crickets as the final reverberations of her ending note died long and painful deaths.  Then the booing began.  

The redhead fumed at the people beneath her.  "You uncultured swine!  Make fun of me, will you!?  I'll show you!  **_Dragon… _**oof!"  The spell was ended in mid sentence as a pair of men in battle armor tackled her.  She dragged off the cage, kicking and threatening the guards as she went.  

A man dressed in a suit that screamed, "Lounge Lizard" stepped out.  "Well then, so far the Labyrinth Karoke contest has come to a very… unique start!  Are there any other Labyrinth contestants in the audience?"  There was silence.  "Now c'mon, don't be shy.  Remember, until you sing a song of our choice, you can't proceed to the next level."

Erik walked up on the stage.  "I'm in the contest."

The man clapped his hands together.  "Splendid!  Here's your microphone, and… begin!"  Before the confused vigilante could stutter a protest, he had been shoved into the center of the spotlight.  Off to his right, he saw a small screen, and a upbeat song began in the background.  Erik decided to just bite the bullet and go along with it.  _Sooner I finish this song, the sooner I'm out of here.  _

Erik: I'm a lumberjack,

And I'm OK,

            I sleep all night

            And I work all day.

Recorded Chorus: He's a lumberjack 

            And he's OK

            He sleeps all night

            And he works all day

Erik: I cut down trees,

            I eat my lunch,

            I go to the Lavatory

            On Wednesday I go shopping,

            And have buttered scones for tea!

Have I heard this before? Sounds vaguely familiar. Was it written by some comedians? What were they called? Montgomery snake or something… 

            Chorus: : He cuts down trees,

            He eats his lunch,

            He goes to the Lavatory

            On Wednesday he goes shopping,

            And has buttered scones for tea!

Erik: I cut down trees, 

            I skip and jump,

            I like to press wild flowers

            I put on… women's clothing

            And hang… around in bars…

Erik made a time-out motion.  "Hold it!"  

Lounge Lizard said, "Is there a problem?"

"YES, THERE'S A PROBLEM!  There is no way in hell that I'm singing the rest of this song!  Pick a different song!"  

"Oh, all right."  Lounge Lizard pressed a button on his control panel.  "But you only get one redo before you're disqualified!" 

Erik mumbled something as yet another bright and happy tune came on. _Argh, what the heck is this?_  Once Erik figured out how words ran with the song, he began to speak. (Words in brackets denote Erik's thoughts)

Erik: Some things in life are bad, (Definitely)

            They can really make you mad (Yeah)

            Other things make you want to swear and curse. (And maim things)

            When you're chewing on life's gristle, (Done that…)

            Don't grumble, give a whistle! (What? I can't whistle…)

            And this'll help things turn out for the best…(What?)

            Aaaannnnd…(Oh dear.)

            Always look on the bright side of life… (whistles, or the best whistle Erik could do, which wasn't very good)

            Always look on the bright side of life…(whistles)

            If life seems jolly rotten, (Change it)

            There's something you've forgotten (Oh and what's that genius?)

            And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing (As long as it's on some Corrupt graves)

            When you're feeling in the dumps, (Dumps smell)

            Don't be silly chumps. (I admit standing in dumps is silly, but needed sometimes)

            Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing! (No it isn't)

            And… Always look on the bright side of life… (whistles) (Whoever wrote this is an idiot)

            Come on now!  

Chorus sings, Erik looks as though he's going to suffer from a stroke from the OOC-ness of it all: Always look on the bright side of life… (whistles)

            Erik (regains control of stomach): For life is quite absurd, (And so's this song)

            And death's the final word, (Definitely)

            You must always face the curtain with a bow (Or a few explosive devices)

            Forget about your sin- give the audience a grin (I think the stars would burn out before I finished all those grins)

            Enjoy – it's your last chance anyhow! (Tell that to Agony)

            All: So always look on the bright side of death (Death is rarely bright)

            Just before you draw your terminal breath (Isn't that an oxymoron?)

            Erik: Life's a piece of shit, 

            When you look at it (Finally! It reflects how I feel!)

            Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true (No, that's a lie)

            You'll see it's all a show, (A tragedy)

            Keep 'em laughing as you go (Darker then Macbeth ever could be)

            Just remember that the last laugh is on you (No one's laughing at me for that, but plenty would be for this.)

            And always look on the bright side of life… (whistles) (I'm gonna vomit)

            Always look on the bright side of life… (whistles)(Someone kill me now)

            Erik (spoken): Come on guys, cheer up!  (It's not like your empty pointless lives will mean anything in the long run anyway. Argh, now I'm getting cynical. Damn song!)

            Chorus: Always look on the bright side of life…

            Always look on the bright side of life…

            Erik: Worse things happen at sea, you know! (Drowning is a bad way to die…maybe burning is worse though…)

            Chorus: Always look on the bright side of life…

            Erik: I mean – what have you got to lose? (Your life, your sanity, your innocence, your sense of self, your reason for being, all you love, shall I go on?)

            You know, you come from nothing

- you're going back to nothing.  

What have you lost?  Nothing! (Ok, now I'm upset. My parents and sisters were not nothing! If I have to sing one more line I'm gonna hit someone!)

Chorus: Always look on the bright side of life…

(Song ends)

The Lounge Lizard nodded proudly.  "Now see, wasn't that better?"

As Erik faded away with special effects reminiscent of Star Trek, he raised a single finger to the Lounge Lizard.

The suited man snorted.  "How rude."  He addressed the audience.  "Anyway, while we wait for another Labyrinth contestant to arrive, next we have the rap stylings of Darth Vader!"  The Dark Lord of the Sith walked on stage.  The Lounge Lizard had difficulty stifling his laughter.  Suddenly, he found his windpipe being crushed.  

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."  

**************

Erik wasn't the first to arrive, and in the end it didn't matter. He took a look at the sign that described the final challenge.

"It turns you into something? If you get splashed with cold water? Is that why BugMan turned into a woman? Well, I just have to avoid it…" Erik said as he began hopping across the poles. Around him, competitors with less grace and patience were falling into the water. That must be the punishment for failing to win.

Erik hopped to another pole and quickly realized it was every man for himself as a Jedi tried to use the Force on him. Too bad for the Jedi that Erik still had the ysalarmiri. The alien warrior tried to keep himself away from the water with the Force, but Erik hopped on him ala Mario and moved onto the next pole while the Jedi went into the lake.

"Eeeeekkkkkk!"

Erik recognized his wife's scream and quickly pinpointed it as another alien lifted her above its head and tried to toss her off her pole.

Erik brained it with the Redemption blade (as in, he hit him really hard, but not with fatal intent), and then he and his wife simultaneously kicked the thing off the pole.

"Care to split the prize?" Erik said.

"Yeah right! Last one there gets tossed into Spring of Drowned Rotten Egg!" Celeste said as she took off, hopping across the poles.

"Great. As well as dealing with Phil, my wife has to get competitive." Erik said as he hopped over to another pole, bounced off a group of struggling beings, swung on the legs of a weird alien bug creature, and then landed on a new pole. Suddenly, a creature that looked like a man wearing a diving outfit was suddenly in his face.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

"Nope." Erik replied as he calmly punched the being off the pole.

Celeste had just kicked two midget-creatures into the air and was tossing her dagger at another weird robot thing as Erik caught up to her.

The robot ducked.

"Hah! You missed!"

"He don't know you very well." Erik said in his best Bugs Bunny voice.

The dagger swung around and slammed into the back of the robot's head. It staggered forward and both Erik and Celeste spun and once again delivered a twin kick. This one was so strong the robot flew through the air and knocked another ten creatures off another pole like a bowling ball.

"Thanks sweetie!" Celeste said.

"You're…"

And with that Celeste stomped on her husband's foot. As he yelled, she took off again.

"Oh no you don't!"

And the race began again, as Erik and Celeste leapt from pole to pole, no so much concerned with the other competitors as they were with beating each other.

A few other creatures, mostly small and quick, had managed to make it to the other end by the time Celeste arrived first. Unfortunately, they let their guard down now that they had made it all the way across and hence were all tossed back into the cursed pools when Celeste landed with an energy attack explosion.

"Sorry. Nothing personal." She said, and ran. Erik arrived half a second later and sprinted after her.

"Aha! I see it! The prize is mi-ARGH!" Celeste squawked as her husband tackled her from behind. She rolled with it and used her strong legs to throw Erik over her. He landed on his feet even as she was getting to hers. She tossed a Raven's Beak blast at him, but he dodged it easily and threw a Piercing Strike blast in retaliation. She dodged it in turn.

"That prize is mine!" Celeste said, snapping out her daggers.

"Only if you get through me first!" Erik said, snapping out his claws as he materialized the Redemption blade. He was quite prepared to fight Celeste seriously: they did it all the time in training.

Another Jedi ran past them. Erik turned from his wife as he fired a grappling hook that wrapped around the Jedi. Erik threw the alien warrior back the way he had came, and then his wife took advantage of his distraction by punching him in the face. He staggered back…

And tripped the tripline. He blinked as he saw the shadow fall over him, and looked up.

And then the sixteen ton weight landed on him with a crash.

"ERIK!" Celeste shrieked, totally forgetting about their "friendly" competition as she ran over to the weight. She didn't even notice the guy in the pink outfit running past her as she furiously tried to lift the weight.

Which, to her surprise, lifted easily. She blinked, and then punched it. It broke inward. _Ah! It's just made of papier-mâché! _

Still, having a large construct made to look like a sixteen ton weight fall on your head wasn't exactly pleasant, and hence Celeste found her husband sitting on the ground looking rather dazed.

"Erik? Chris?" Celeste said, letting her husband's real first name slip out. "You OK?"

"If I was a comedian, I'd make some comment about stars or pretty colours, but I'm not, so let's just say my head hurts." Erik said. There was some triumphant music in the background, and Celeste, feeling curious, broke open the other end of the weight to see the man in the pink gi with his hand raised and a trophy.

"The winner of the 7th Annual Survival Labyrinth Competition, DAN HIBIKI!" An unnamed announcer said.

"FOR DADDY!" the pink-gi clad man named Dan said. Celeste sighed.

"Looks like we lost, hero."

"Sorry, I can't hear you. My ears are still ringing." Erik said, shaking his head. Celeste sighed again and helped her husband up. He could walk, but it was a bit unsteady, and Celeste helped him as best she could as they went towards a large exit in which other dejected competitors were leaving through.

"Well look on the bright side hero. At least I won't turn into a poodle every time it rains."

Erik just mumbled something.

"C'mon hero. You need some rest."

End Part 66

Announcer: Will Erik ever receive his rest?  Will BobCat ever manage to update more than once a month?  WILL THIS CROSSOVER EVER END?  I dunno.  I'm just the announcer.


End file.
